The Harsh Reality of Being a Foster Parent 

I really appreciate your owning up to your mistake, and acknowledging that it is normal to feel bad about it! I would guess that it's relatively common for foster parents to accidentally violate some rules, because no one is perfect, and there are a lot of rules. I hope that this resolves in a way that is beneficial for everyone involved.

Being a foster parent is SOOOOOOOO difficult sometimes. You're managing so many different sets of emotions and egos (your immediate family, extended family, biological parents, social workers, teachers, therapists, and kids) and you're right, we're human, sometimes we mess up and then we own up. With all of this, it's important not to beat yourselves up about it. It may also be important to provide some feedback/ advocacy to the powers that be once everything is said and done. They should want to keep good foster parents and because of this they should also be open to improving themselves. Make sure you take care of yourself and find the support you need to keep going. Compassion fatigue is real and it sucks!

We fostered for 12 years and I did so much good and so much wrong ... we finally left because of the red tape/rules etc. I wasn’t one to be controlled to the point the system wanted me to be . Seems everything I did wrong , I was chastised and everything I did right was not seen. I loved all my kids, about 45 of them and they loved us and a lot still keep in touch and tell us we were either their favorite foster parents or the best foster parents sooo I must have done right by the kids anyway and that’s what it’s all about . We were Therapeutic Foster parents of mostly Juvenile Delinquent teenagers, the hardest ones and one Social worker told us after we stopped, we sure as heck were missed and they wished we would return because they were so short of homes . They should of thought to help the foster parents as much as the kids and we would probably still be doing it now in our 60s ! Good Luck and don’t let anyone push you around, you need the backing as much as the kids !

Your goal from the beginning has been to inspire others to foster, to show the good, bad and the ugly. You are doing just that. You inspire me each and every day to be better. The love and patience you show these kids is a wonderful example of how to overcome difficulties. You are doing a wonderful job! We live and we learn, nobody is perfect. Ms. A, Ms. B, Mr. B, and little boo are lucky to have you in their life, no violation can take that from you.

Thank you ♡ for sharing . Us foster parents know and appreciate the honesty

🙃

Agree 100%

No. But they do not have the time or resources to suppirt foster parents . It is such a tough situation

Agree

Exactly!!! Just last week in my city these fosters parents beat a little boy to death that they had in their care 😔

This gives me hope! the kiddos in our care were reunified recently. The circumstances were less than ideal(see comment above). Perhaps they will grow up and be the change "the system" so desperately need!

I am looking for information on what to look out for on mistreatment of foster kids. I have new neighbors that have 13 foster kids that are all home schooled, never go outside when other kids are out,never have kids or anyone over and not to mention it's a rural part of town. They are also rude and already started a fire on someone else property.

The organization never tells the truth we had kids dumped on our door step by the organization telling us its for the weekend 2 years later they were still at our farm then they send them back with there parents

My problem with people who become social workers based on their experience, that usually makes you biased. A lot of children with parents who are genuinely trying, get taken because in the end it’s all feelings based. Also to the creator of the video, no matter how much you bond with the children, their parents are still their parents! A lot of people focus on the child ( and thats not wrong) But you’ve got to build with the parent(s). When my kids were taken, I offered the foster parent the opportunity to become extended family based on the fact that he seemed to want to keep my children together. Over time, we realized he was repotting to the worker things my child supposedly said. His goal became keeping my child. Parents mess up. Every one has. But it’s on the Forster parents to fix the disconnect with parents who have to trust you with their kids. Or people will continue to hurt!

​@@delontashieldssr I agree with the other comment below yours. I would love to help a mother in distress take care of her child until she is able to. I think it's the most important to make sure the child gets back to their moms. You're always going to be mom. Keep doing the good work you're doing!!!

Exactly... Well SAID....

What was the mistake?

Exactly.. last week in my city these foster parents beat a little boy to death that they had in their care :/

My wife and I got shut down as foster parents just because we didn’t honor the two week notice it’s not like leaving a job neither of us felt safe In are own home anymore the agency didn’t Like are choice

Thank you for saying this -former foster kid

That sounds heartbreaking! I hope you receive an update on those children. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Jason it breaks my heart to read this. My husband and I know EXACTLY how you feel! We brought a 3 day baby girl home in December of 2017. In January of 2019 her 2 year old brother entered our life. We were told that we'd be adopting them and then a new Judge was given the case in January of 2021. Long story short they left our home 4 weeks ago. Their mom wants no contact. We miss them terribly but the greater concern is what will this do to them long term. They will surely deal with abandonment issues and attachments issues. There is no reason that reunification has to look like this. I truly feel that the kids that were in our care have now been needlessly traumatized and abused by the system. It is also completely unfair that their birth mom is now dealing with parenting traumatized children.

@@jencurry2512 I am so so sorry to hear that this is happening to another set of children and another family that opened their hearts and home. Words can't express what your going through, and I can only imagine the children. It should never be allowed to happen like that after raising them for that length of time. That is the hardest thing to go through, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The empathy for the children is what has kept me up at night and given nightmares when I could sleep, let alone the waves of grief that comes along with it. We have hired a lawyer and are currently fighting this, because of the amount of time that we had them we apparently have a case, if u have the means to do the same then fight. We also had a new judge appointed, a new social worker that lied and brushed many things under the rug, including a dog bite at a home visit, things like this works exactly the opposite of what the system is suppose to be doing. I am so sorry for your family, and that includes those children, they might not be blood, but they are family, hang in there and stay strong

After the kids have been with you for a year you have grounds for intervening. Why did you let this go for 4 years? A lawyer should have been hired at the 12 month mark!

@@jencurry2512 always hire a private attorney if the case reaches 12 months and looks like it’s going to head towards adoption. Never lean on the system to steer you in the right direction. They’re there for the kids and the family. Not foster parents. :(

Well said sweet heart. It's just a perfect example of something being too smart for its own good. So busy over thinking and "doing what's right" that they miss the whole point. God bless you love

Can I ask why you were put many different homes?

MAY THE WIND BE AT YOUR BACK AMD THE SUN IN YOUR FACE.

Sad, im a emancipated youth out of foster care and i can agree! The system is very flawed and corrupt

Unfortunately the government generally doesn't care

☹️

They still see us just as babysitters.

Well they always demanding for foster parents🤷🏻‍♀️

They never will. It's the children that matter though. Not our offenses

​@@lavanderpham6677because good people get hurt...and bad ones don't sign up often

🙃

Both things can be true though, I get it. They are unrelated. But it’s a bit frustrating, yes.

I know a family that still puts her foster son on social media and begs for free things for him because he's a foster and no repercussions but they are harassing this family. Infuriates me

As foster carers don't earn a wage for the care they give for the children. I can only presume, having a huge amount of children in your care, can give them extra income. Foster careers have their hand in their pockets all the time for the children in care. They don't make a profit at all. So accepting a huge haul of children can be the only way they make a profit. Hence those poor children miss out on the important things they should have though. There should be a law against it!

ZC

Yesss 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

👏👏👏👏

Weird. You have two years to recoup and deal with personal family matters. You need to speak to a supervisor. They are desperate to place folks have lost it plus have Covid.

Many folks get licensed thinking its like a fishing license that can sit in a drawer somewhere. Being "active" is very important. You must remember that workers still have to monitor your home, which take time and resources. Its great you are taking care of your father, but please remember the system does not allow us to keep your license forever. I don't know your details (plus this is RU-vid), but I share this as a worker.

@@sussannerandall85 That’s so sad. How can non foster parents help change the system?

That's good! Sometimes we have to take a break and reevaluate.

My heart feels for you Nora. Such a bad situation to have happen to you. I'm very close to becoming a licenced Foster Carer now in Australia. I'm eager and nervous all at once. I'm going to be doing emergency care from 0 - 2 years. However, I could have a baby for up to 2 years if the family are working on getting their child back. I'm glad you returned to foster care. It was meant to be I think. As you have adopted too.

After 3 yrs of having a child she 3 months when she was placed she And having so many people saying she would never leave your home then to have her go to her bio mom was just heartbreaking considering the mom has since gone back to prison just to much my heart is still broken over it

Of she's back in prison why isn't the kid back with you?

You probably should take some responsibility…. You probably weren’t fit at being a parent and as a result there in the system. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@@irenebarnett4742 well aren't you sweet. My kids are not in the system. A social worker either misunderstood something i had said or deliberately lied, & used that as a basis to take them, & they're not in the system now. I did everything they asked of me and then some, & got custody back within 2 months. You really don't know me & have no understanding of what you think you know, so you're in no place to judge. You're just a troll who needs to put others down to feel good about yourself. Have fun being the judgmental person you are.

And an insane amount of incompetence as well! The more power they have, the more power they abuse, it seems. There are good organizations. But those are few. The good people, who really care, are mobbed by their 'social' colleagues! Worked in a business environment before. People are much more civil there!!! You expect people with 4 years of social training to be social. They are the most a-social people I know! Love to lie, slander and abuse power. Love to hurt those in their care. It's an amazingly dark world.

She very well has burnout & exhaustion......but PTSD is now being used for everything that is exhausting in society. Not everything is PTSD

As a former cps worker I quit because I was having trouble sleeping worrying if someone would let the abuser back in and crying on Sunday because Monday I had to go back in.

And just know when you are making the decision, everything in life has highs and lows. I just wanted to be real and show the lows before showing how we bounce back ❤️

I would think - the agency won't care. And, oh well, I would expect they will have some 'smart' speech.

You should talk to foster children or even people that have aged out of the system talking to the people really living the life not putting it on RU-vid where you can get paid for this stuff no disrespect intended

​@@enriquemanzo9328 this

… right? 🤯😞

Hadn’t even thought of that.

They want you to attach but be able to let go. Velcro parenting. It’s bizarre expectations and you have to safeguard your heart. 🤍 I’ve been licensed for months and still awaiting a placement (we wanted a baby) so we wait and I try to be patient. It is a heavy, sad system that doesn’t truly care for the children, and even less for the foster parents.

A lot of the motivation behind the whole "violation" process is liability. No one wants to be blamed for a child's rights being violated, them being injured, abused, etc. so if there is a misstep and it looks like the agency will look bad, they will move quickly to correct things. So it is ok to not be perfect, just don't make the agency or county look bad or negligent. My guess is that this family has a public persona so they sort of have to step in to protect themselves. It sucks...

Yep the foster care adoption commercials are crap they mile it look good

🙌🏼

Gemma - ((Hug))

I’m so sorry. This sounds so heartbreaking and must have been though for you to deal with as well.

My husband went from social worker to computer security. He got burned out and angry over how mismanaged the system is.

Gemma Rose I am now retired after working as a mental health counselor. Sadly, what you are describing is not a rare occurrence. I had a lot of burnout, at one point stopping work in my career field and doing something else for a few years.

You're in a different state than me. Here they have a 5 year limit on age difference of non-related foster kids. So a brother could be 6 years older, but another foster kid in the home could not.

I agree -- I would love to reconnect with Miss A years down the road. I have a strong feeling that the love and support that she received will carry with her forever.

Isn’t that just terrible? Thank you for understanding ❤️

I had teachers who don't care. It just hurts the kids, emotionally and academically. We need more teachers like you.

@@skylarjohnson7779 It was rough. The field is really difficult and ultimately, I ended up leaving the K-12 classroom.

I hear you. My husband and I couldn’t adopt our Foster kids because they were undocumented refugees. we had to wait for them to age out of the system. We celebrated that day. We were able to help our kids so much more without all the red tape. There were so many toxicities within the system that hurt our foster kids.

That is an awesome idea ♥️

@@libbykat3958 how does that chain of support begin ?

@@africanskyowl6652 I took the suggestion to mean that anyone who was so inclined could each send a card.

@Outwardbound 22 -- Their address is in the description box. Be The Village, P.O. BOX 348 Maineville, OH 45039 Let's do this!

❤️

It really does

Is it a possibility to find a different agency that is maybe a better fit for your family?? One that values you and what your amazing family does for these kids a bit more??

That’s just beyond ridiculous

Excellent homes are inspected weekly, and homes that make the news haven't been inspected in months/years. The system is broken. You are a saint for putting up with the bureaucratic bull sh*t

I have seen bio parents harassed and have their kids taken for the same things. Then someone else gets busted for drug possession and CPS isn't even called. The system is definitely broken all around.

@@NCTCCTGNW Yes, in my county, they said drug use alone isn't enough to remove kids. So many people use drugs; there aren't enough homes as is. They couldn't remove all the kids where drug use is present. Typically, there is intervention if mom gives birth in a hospital (doesn't mean automatic removal but a referral and safety plan - could be a removal if warranted). There has to be abuse or neglect in addition to drug use.

Dishes in the sink means people ate food on them. Laundry on the couch means the clothes were washed (and mom isn't hiding out in the laundry room, but maybe in there supervising the kids and what they are looking at on TV). With four kids in our house, three were my mom's one was my stepdad's, the couch was the best place to sort the stuff as it was folded for each person and put in their stacks to be taken by each person and put in the appropriate drawers in our rooms. Before too long, she taught us how to sort and wash our own laundry and how to wash dishes and how to cook, (with the cooking by observation and verbal instruction initially, and as she went along---saying such as, "See, if you go ahead and wash this pot out like I'm doing, and wash up these utensils and equipment as you go, then you won't have a big stuck on mess and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter." and "Put this refrigerated stuff right back in there, and it won't go bad on you." "Don't just leave the water running for nothing." "This is how to cut up a chicken." "Wash your hands and all this really well after handling raw chicken." "The reason I don't make this for y'all often (Granny's cream puffs), is because it makes my arm very tired. Wanna try it?" "See, I told you." Would all or any of that be considered child abuse in a foster care setting, I wonder? Because a lot of those home-life instruction sessions were some of my best childhood memories, and good advices for my future, which I ended doing without a second thought and which eased by burdens all along.

This fills me up. And thank YOU for making that difference.

What a beautifully worded comment! I agree with every word! 💕🌻 God bless.

Elizabeth Palmer THANK YOU I love your comment and your support!! Here and spreading the word for Wish!! I have dealt with many foster children and could only hope they had parents like these two!

@@BeTheVillageCommunity it was you Whitney I never would have known about one simple wish if I didn't see your videos and your support of one simple wish. One ripple in your universe carried over to mine, and into another's. That's all the beauty and simplicity of sharing our lives, the ups and downs via social media. If done correctly doesn't validate us, but lifts up not only ourselves, but each other.

Yes, these emotions definitely need to be normalized. Will continue to share and show how we get “over” it.

​@@BeTheVillageCommunity ​ I'm really looking forward to it! I've fostered quite a few times since I started in 2015, and there is always a point when I feel so angry at the county. Every time, without fail, it's the lack of communication that gets me. It's the uncertainty and inattention that really does it. It's always a challenge figuring out how much to share, when, and how. I definitely get it wrong, but that's normal too, and I've found that when that happens it can be helpful to acknowledge that mistake, and, depending on the child, change how much you share in the future. I've really enjoyed John's, "Know better, do better" for things like this. I like that you put getting "over" it in quotes. There's no getting "over" it, it's more like a moving passed it... I guess? That doesn't seem right though, either. Idk. But I'm really looking forward to your tips and what getting "over" it looks like for your family. I've found taking a respite weekend to be incredibly helpful, and ironically starting a new project with the kids to be the perfect thing to occupy my mind when all I want to do vent and brood. It also acts a nice way to show the child/children that while the situation is difficult and something we can't control, that I still support them and am eager to invest in them, and that our time together means something to me.

Kylie, what a nice thing to compliment them so much, especially when they have been hurt by the system too.

Time for a different agency.

I’m glad for you and the children in your care that this has been your experience in Canada but it certainly has not been mine or that of friends who have fostered. Oceans of red tape to try to get FCS to address basic needs of the child. It is a system needing a massive overhaul to better support kids, foster parents and bio parents.

Exactly

@@BeTheVillageCommunity Similarly I worked in the medical field in pediatrics specialty and which also has a high rate of burn out. I also had to work out the balance because you go into this field because you care but at the same time it is not good to care too much especially when people you do this for aren’t grateful for it

Well at least who they're really doing it for is the kids, not the system, so it's more of an external obstacle

@@mery5989 And it still hurts a lot, no matter what.

Anyone who refers to children who have psychological issues as result of trauma as being “messed up” should not be working with such children. Please find another career path before you cause irreparable harm to a child’s psyche.

@@Katie-mw7pd I don't deal with them myself I just fix equipment, but even I can see the system doesn't work and I am guessing you are part of that system

I agree. Before taking children, all efforts should be made to help the bio parents become good parents if possible. We need better systems in place.

There was a blur that wasn’t effective, so it was our mistake

I would love to talk about that 💛