The Job that BROKE ME | Retired Police Interceptor 

I just want to reach in to my TV just to hug you. You are so brave to speak out about your struggles. Biggest of hugs sweetheart xxxx

I’ve just cried watching this because I’m on my own I cry when I’m at work because I’m on my own I’m a big strong guy to everyone else but I’m broken inside my troubles would appear selfish if I told anyone about them so I just smile and pretend I’m ok . Sorry

@@bluesky4733 Don't apologise for sharing, and try not to belittle your own problems fella. Pain is pain, and nobody will think you're selfish for sharing anything that makes you feel the way you do. You can't start to get the help you need until you get over that barrier in your head that's stopping you from opening up more.

Your a good man Ben. You worked hard in your job. I feel for you as i suffer with the same. You should be proud of everything youve done. Good luck for the future. All the best.

Ben, I'm not sure if enjoyed is the right word, but your words resonant with me, I didn't have a back pack I had a greatcoat that got heavier each day. Thank you for doing this.

I'm so sorry to know that you've been carrying that with you, I hope everything is getting better now

Hello Dan, hoping this message finds you well and recovering from your depression etc ? Sending wishes to you and your loved ones. Cheers 🥂

Hope you are well and feeling better :)

Same here I have been putting off getting help for too long. The rucksack analygy really summed it up for me, this heavy weight of cruelty, abuse and death and destruction that your dragging around trashing your life, it needs emptying re-packing to tidy things up and make it easier to carry. Got my first counselling session next week which I am actually looking forward now, feels like some weight has lifted a little even by taking the step of making the appointment. Looking forward to dumping the empty rucksack in the cupboard.

@@colintook3357 best decision I ever made. All the best Colin

After 29 years with the Scottish ambulance service, unfortunately I’m now terminally ill. But I wake up every morning happy that I don’t have to face going to work. The best job I’ve ever had.

And you would know the feeling because?

@Cian MacGana Emergency workers, regardless of gender, go through so much.

Shrubs1y2 - not all superheroes wear capes.

I’ve combat ptsd , ocd , a boarder line personality disorder, an antisocial personality disorder and a shed load of physical issues… Ben your not alone my brother…. Thank you for your service it’s a natural reaction for a series of unnatural events.

Did ya get the job

@@Tjay-ex8vi Afraid not. Still pounding the beat...

Yup

Very well said. 👍👍

It's sad when anyone takes their own life.

Can't be easy. Thank you to your dad for the service he put in. So sorry for your loss ♥️

God bless you mate

50 years eh !!!

RIP

Thank you Sue xx

exactly. be safe, have fun.

Definitely he’s so empathetic

Truth

Best comment ❤️

Bless you and your Mum ❤️

It moved me as well.

Same

Same

Only weak idiots believe footballers are heroes. I wish Ben all the very best for his future. In all reality, Ben is a hero. I have friends in the Police Force and they have my utmost respect and full admiration.

@@brianwalker1933 footballers are heroes to kids so it's disrespectful to write people off as weak idiots. It's different as an adult but plenty of kids look up to footballers as their heroes and some of them make a difference to people's lives, so show some respect... especially on a video as sensitive as this.

@@TommyIgaro Perhaps the parents of these kids you refer to, should teach their kids the “true meaning” of the word...HERO! That said however, many parents these days are very poor role models, who also idolise footballers as heroes. Regardless, thanks for your comment.

@brian Walker shut up kids are kids allow them u joker

@@brianwalker1933 I'm not interested in your views on footballers or parenthood, I'm asking you to show some respect. It's not your place to tell someone where they get their happiness or ambition from. You would've thought a video as touching as this would leave you feeling humble and respectful, but I guess some people are just parasitic and spiteful 24/7. I deal with people like you day in day out at work and I honestly believe you're one of the biggest poisons in society, spreading hatred because people don't conform to your beliefs. Pathetic, grow up old man.

Much respect to you for owning your demons. You’ve recognised your own rucksack and the things inside it. It’s not about the mistakes you’ve made, but how you put those things right. Your acknowledgment and apology go a long way to putting those things right.

Fck sake well done buddy. Its not cops and robbers no more ..police are there for ALL OF US.. AND this young ladds been trough trauma.. beyound belief. Im on his side. But buddy i was a proper idiot in cars. Not even stolers.. but id go nuts.

@@S3dINS thank you really appreciate that 🙏.

@@desmondmayhew6466 yeah it wakes you up and you realise that what your doing is terrible really when they go through what they go through to look out for everyone.

Well done mate without police you wouldn't have protection and the amount they do locally and for every civilian is amazing

Your dad is a hero :)

ive been so glad to have been seeing so many police and military men coming forward like this and on sites like lad bible talking about their troubles so many people look up to guys like ben and your dad as being like the pinnacle of men so seeing that theyre strong enough to open up should help men see that it alright to ask for help and it isnt showing weakness

Big up your old man. Thanks for sticking by him (know that seems pretty obvious since he's your old man) but you have no idea how strong a child's love is when your going through shit. Mine have honestly saved my life twice cause of my depression! Your dad (and you) are legends... keep at it 💪👏

no wonder ..,,,serving a corrupt government must be disturbing

Liam upon reading your comment it showed that there is a road back to your Dads new normal. You Dad is a hero, the universe was showing off when he was made. Kind deeds change lives. It is very exhausting to claw your way back; however the Universe rewards the Brave. Thank your Dad for his Service. Sending warm regards and respect from Australia. Sending you sunshine.

Cheers buddy. Never thought of it that way before. X

@@BenPearson1965 👍👍 top banana bloke 👍👍

​​​@@BenPearson1965 It took real bravery to tell your story, how the job took its toll. It's not a job I ever could take lightly, but in those 19 years you made such a difference to others. Even if you know it or not, we are truly grateful for it all; and you are still making a difference now, advocating the importance mental health and sharing your stories, good bad or daft. Good on you Ben.

Xxxxxxxxx❤️

I'm a grown man and I cried when Ben told us about the little boy. This was one of the reasons I haven't joined the police, I don't believe I'd be able to cope seeing things like that. I also couldn't deal with the criminal subsections of society. Ben, you'll have dealt with people that come from a completely different world, hidden out of view from most of the general public and see things that should never be seen. From the bottom of my heart, thank you mate. For what you did during your time in police. For what you're doing now. Now it's time for you. Take care, over time I hope you can heal.

The backpack anaolgy hit home with me too. I had a breakdown a few years back. My analogy was like I was walking down a hallway trying to get out of a building, but every door I opened had a brick wall behind it. Then I just ran out of doors to open, as I'd opened them all and I had nowehere left to go, and nothing left to try, and I just crashed. The feeling of not being in control was scary. I thought I was weak for not being able to cope and that I was a failure. I was off work for many weeks. Luckily for me I got some help and my work colleagues were superb and never judged me. No one is weak or a failure, we all have our limits and when your emotional reserve is exhausted even the strongest will fall. Don't make the mistake I made and bottle it up until you crash. Recognise the symptoms and get help as soon as you can.

@@gixxerman69 Don't know quite why I stopped at yours to reply. Perhaps it is because your story makes you a bit less of a stranger to me. My camel's straw was 9/11. Up to then I had been (among other pursuits) a SAR (Search & Rescue)/Research diver & EMT for 30 years - seen/done a lot as you might expect. I too have a bag 'o crap. That September, 5 thousand miles away in Hawaii, all I could do was watch. A few months later I found myself back at my parents house in Arizona, bouts of insomnia followed by sleeping for 18 hours straight - pacing back & forth in the backyard chain smoking my brother's cigarettes. My Dad, a retired pharmacist & former Army medic, would gently ask me how I was doing and always end with suggesting "just let me know" if I wanted to go see his best friend a very respected M.D.. For weeks I declined saying all I needed was some rest and to read more Joseph Campbell, Carl Jung, Zen, or whatever else he had in his library. Thinking I could fix it myself. "Not being in control" - Luckily I eventually pulled my head out long enough to take my Dad up on his offer. Doc arranged for me to see an old classmate, a top neuro-psychologist in CA. I learned PTSD means pathways are eroded (burnt) in the brain. It becomes a physical/metabolic problem. Chemistry. Something you can't meditate, read, of self medicate yourself out of. You can run but you can't hide. Your bag is overflowing, can't put it down, can't ignore it. And it will eat you. You must admit you can't go it alone & reach out. 20 years later I've managed to heal & get on with life. But I'll never be the same. I have my moments. Once there was a breaking live news feed showing the rescue of a woman in an ice clogged river during a blizzard. She was dog paddling & every stroke was slower than the last. In a moment I realized I had jumped up in front of the TV sobbing, making anxious guttural animal sounds. I couldn't speak. Seems I'm over-sensitized to such things now. In 2011 during the Japan Sendai Tsunami. Brought closer to home hearing & witnessing the crash & roar of homes being destroyed below us in Kealakekua Bay 9 hours later. Plus my daughter is 1/2 Japanese & we have family there. She has been my anchor. 8 years old then. I told her I was having a rough time not being able to go there & help. She said, "Papa don't worry. In Japan they have expert people just like you. And they have lots of them." My daughter rescued her Dad that day. In fact everyday since she came to be. Aloha.

im in my sitting room rn just crying uncontrollably, just feeling so awful for this guy whos a literal hero. i wish i could just remove the pain he's felt and is feeling it's horrible how the best people can suffer. i wish him all the best.

Do it! Don't put it off. I did... for over 30 years... caused me to have depression to the point of me planning my own suicide and a series of heart attacks. Been in therapy for 2 years. Ben's story is almost a perfect reflection of my own.

@@philklinkenberg1130 How did you get though it? I'm in a similar position.

@@nataliefisher7961 It was incredibly difficult to take the first step, but once it was out it became easier to talk about. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it gets easier once the first hurdle(admittimg that you have a problem) has been crossed I found that talking to people with similar experiences or difficulties became just as important as a fully qualified shrink. No-one of any importance will think less of you. If someone in your circle of family and freinds does look down their nose at you, cut them loose, that's unneccesary baggage that no-one needs. I no longer worry about things that seemed so important for so long. Please, if you are having difficulties coping, seek proffesional help.

Stevethe hardest thing you can do. I'm so isolated people don't know I'm here. Mental illness can kill you just like cancer and other diseases. I take babysteps how many times I have gone to food store. Only to turn around and leave but proud I made it that far. I'm here if you want to talk or ramble. Only have 1 person I can talk to and not sure if they fully understand. Take care of yourself

Get help. Don't waste yourself rerunning the event over and over. I've destroyed enough of my life doing this and turning inward. All the best fella

Respect

@@richlee509 I was a serving Police Officer until a few years ago. I thought I could keep my 'backpack' nice and light by filling it with alcohol instead. The thing is, almost all of my colleagues (including my supervisors) knew exactly what this backpack was full of, and let me spiral out of control. Eventually I got sacked through what I was doing with alcohol. At the hearing for my dismassal, the Chief Constable said 'if he'd have asked for help, he would have got it'. Nice one Boss, great support. As a result, I have very little respect for the powers that be in the police any more.

@@Norton1531 sounds horrible, hope your future is better now

You're kidding, right? You don't get any support for events like that? Who's the best person to complain too about that? You lot are as front line as it gets and should get any support you need.

@@Prod-23 nope you get nothing at all unless you ask for if or have a break down. You deal with fatals including kids. Not a word is said after.. you just go home

👊🏻👍🏻

Don’t be afraid to stick your hand up and ask for help. I emailed occupational health, it too, them four days to get back to me, in the meantime I rang my own Doctor who signed me off immediately when she heard the stuff I was talking to her about and the issues it gave me. Reach out and get help, don’t suffer, it’s not healthy.

Chin up bud won't always be such a struggle

joey , hang in there man, you not alone.xxx

Joey, Hit me at the perfect moment in my life! I have been dealing with PTSD plus chronic back pain for 26 years! I have no 1 but myself to either decide to live or do an overdose to end all this Depression & the Darkness that comes with it! So each day I have to decide whether to try 1 more day or just overdose & be over with it! This man is very encouraging for people like myself! Blessings to all who are in the same PLACE!

Hang in there Joey! The fact that you recognise things are wrong is a huge step. Help is out there.

Just remember there's people out there who love you and would live in pain even like living in a nightmare if you were to kill yourself,you are in a bad way feeling down but imagine your loved ones after you kill yourself,THAT is feeling down my friend and it doesn't get any better

Hope your doing ok, sometimes I just sit down when I'm having a bad day and say to myself, I suppose this is what makes the good days better lol. PTSD is so hard to deal with, you can be doing great for hrs, days maybe weeks or months then in a flash, your in that moment physically, emotionally, mentally, completely engulfed and overwhelmed with trauma ! Staying occupied helps me

wHen

Lol 😂

@@zeroalpha2912 what exactly do you find funny there dickhead?

Indeed... I found this very much a "hard watch"..... I've been a fireman (only for two years) but I never saw the horrors this guy did. I know now...I was lucky..... Most of us are.

Thank you Chris xx

my stepdads a paramedic infact features on inside the ambulance hes proud of the work he does and so are we all but you can see it gets to him and has changed him my eternal thanks goes to all emergency services workers who take on the tireless work to make us all safe who carrys theese burdons every day so we all may sleep safe at night

@Multidimensional God Yes. Some didn't hear that voice. 😞

Absolutely.

Soldiers dont get much support hence there being so many problems with mental health with the forces.

Worst idea I ever had , worst job I did .boring , know support .

Rta, I went to, legs below knees chopped off, also first suicide.

Soldiers don't get hardly any support. But I agree there should be alot more support for them

I don’t get it why backpack overflowed

I hope your doing well

I'm hoping to join up as soon as my local force starts recruiting again. It's such a hopeful thing to see people like Ben speaking about mental and thankfully it's becoming recognized as the big issue that it actually is.

@The Flying Spaghetti Monster Thanks for your input you knob. You've no idea.

@The Flying Spaghetti Monster I agree officer can always be better trained. My point is if youve never done the job you haven't the got a clue what the job is all about. There are over 132,000 police officers in England and Wales. You seem to be tarring everyone of them with the same brush. There are good and bad in all people. You've obviously had a bad experience. If I'm wrong please enlighten me. But seeing as you keep you identity to yourself, I doubt you'll share this with us.

That’s the problem THE THIN BLUE LINE!

@@daveoconnor5084 👈how many time to those in the Job, have seen abuse by their colleagues and reported it?!

Shame you have ptsd , but its a shame too about the liberties youve taken from people .

@@bfdmanbfd personally I have never been in a position or situation that has gotten me involved with the police so I have never seen this side of it maybe if more people didn’t get into situations they wouldn’t find themselves at odds with the police. No matter what your experience my original point still stands they are human beings.

@@chefinavan1 unfortunately for people who break the law, the powers they are given mean they can take people’s liberties away but if you want to be free and left to live your life stick to the law

@@Zombiechef91 so your openly admitting you know the police are assholes and advise not breaking the law or going near them in the first place?, will make note of that for future reference, thanks.

@@Zombiechef91 and so are the people they persecute on a daily basis, there also humans, so was the woman who got kidnapped, raped and mutilated a few weeks ago, your argument is so weak, your leaving to much room for contradictions. REALITY CHECK - last time I checked we was all human?

Hi you. Thank you and hope it’s sunny and warm down there. Keep pushing!

Do it; your life will open up in ways you never imagined ❤️

Thinking of you pal x

This is so true! I feel anger when I see people slag off the police in any way.. they could never & most probably would never do or see or feel the things these police men & women do.

Thats a broad overgeneralisation and its simply not true. SOME officers may have emotional baggage but not all of them, I refuse to give any person that is capable of sending a child into a system that will surely put them on IPP for non violent crimes ruining their lives forever any kind of benefit of doubt. If you’ve got baggage that sucks get treatment its a job and its made very clear especially for specialists that its part of the job.

​@@godlessplaytime4256 Exactly what i was told upon entering the military in the 80's , Now years later i'm diagnosed with cptsd because of what i saw serving also diagnosed with asd which was a shock , I have got the help but only to be told at the end of the allocated NHS sessions i have to go about and get on with it ???, Recently got sacked from a company which was clearly discrimination but the employer was an disability friendly International company , Just get on with it cause their is no help but your own self

@@godlessplaytime4256 I think you need some help yourself my friend, your name says it all. Are you talking about yourself? It doesn't matter really, the fact is it's not the police that place kids in care. They may have to enforce it because there's no body else to do it.

Jonathan do you know what is causing your back pack to fill up.

Gaz, ty for what u said....needed to hear it!

Thank you Paul x

Thank you pal, that really means a lot, hope you’re all well over there x

Well said! He's a top guy

Hey Mum, thank you so much for recommending Ben. Gosh, my heart. What a man 💜

Hi Ben, would you be prepared to speak to me about your experiences on camera? I'm working on a RU-vid channel similar to 'Lad Bible' and would love to have you on to talk. All the best, James.

Thank you xxx

Well said. Absolutely agree ❤️

We all deal with emotion in different ways. Dislike as in makes them upset? Not necessarily the content.

@@aspectabove that's a fair point, I guess I have a bit of a binary view of 'Like & Dislike'. I would however predict that the consensus understanding of disliking a video is to express towards the content vs your own projection of emotion, but I see it both ways.

It's all the nobheads hes nicked before, god bless Ben

And now imagine, going to your next job (incident) where youre arresting someone for shouting abuse in a high street- and everyone gets their phone cameras out, calling you a pig etc. #normal

Feelings compound, positive & negative. It's always the straw that breaks the camels back. A timeless phrase for a timeless problem.

I’m just trying to be honest so people can understand x

@@BenPearson1965 I think you're doing an amazing job of highlighting it x

Respect from a retired Paramedic of 35 years.

@No Pill 4 me coward

@Pete Singletons the comment I was responding to has disappeared now so don't worry about it...

True!

❤️

Good on you mate I know hard it is to leave that profession... Everyone assumes you will do it for the 30 or 35 years whatever it is now.. All the best to you