The Lie We've Been Told About Dating 

First lol. 😅

OK Dear

Thanks dear

Ty

@@sindre9484 good 👍👍

Right!

Good observation!

Dang that’s actually so trueeeee

I think the concept of "soulmate" or "the other half" originated from Plato? So we got him to blame for that :)

It’s because of films. Not so shocking to me. People are conditioned through media.

Man say that a million times more alot of people or not happy but broken and insecure

@@ELITEYT25 I reasonably happy alone at the moment. I just turned thirty-seven, no kids, no girlfriend and no job. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m happy alone but it gets lonely

Crush the enemies! See them driving before you. Hear the lamentations of their women!

That is the first step. Finally say it

Very true. It all comes down to choice. We choose to commit to someone and to love them

No, its like gravity or magnetism, you can't create that.

@@snorrevonflake the gravity most definitely pulls you in but you choose how much effort you want to put into making its stability healthy

Don't think I could agree with either of those. A relationship is existential. That is what makes the idea of soul mates so laughable. People that survive together in war or a disaster create bonds. The woman one is with was not special , but when she is the mother of one's children she is unique. So it is neither merely a decision or any kind of fate. The bond exists because they were created.

any man that shows any interest in a woman is now considered a "stalker" by todays brainwashed feminists

I agree. It's just hormones at first.

@@sif_2799 Right? I mean, to actually love someone you need to be with them and go through trials. You simply can’t do that when you’ve only met someone for the first time. There needs to be a foundation built upon and worked at.

@@mattklein7155 True. However, lust is a part of that kind of love, so before realising this, it is easy to mistake lust for love alltogether. In German we have the word ,,schockverliebt", which is basically the lust at first sight thing, that you're so overwhelmed by the hormones and emotion that it feels like being in love and of course this can actually turn into real love but it can also fade just after moments.

@@sif_2799 German is awesome. There's a simple and intuitive word for everything.

The reason you dont believe in love at first side has nothing to do that love at first sight doesnt exist like many people comment and think… love at first sight does exist if you have developed your intuitive side and intuition which should be balanced. Once you have developed it (for some it takes years, for most they will never develop it, other have it naturally) you are able to feel and see someones energy and even mindset and compare that to yours and thats how love at first sight is created, obviously if its mutual. Its the same with friendships, sometimes you just know that you can be very good friends, you meet these people maybe 1 time in a year. So no, its not the hormones, the problem with newer generations or people having a hard time finding true love is because they are not intuitively developed let alone emotionally developed, how can you expect to understand someone else if you cant even understand yourself.

Sorry to hear, hope you’re doing okay

Oh my god. I am sorry. Know that she loves you till the very core♥️and you are gonna make her and yourself proud ✨god bless

I’m so sorry for your loss

any man that shows any interest in a woman is now considered a "stalker" by todays brainwashed feminists

@@aanchalsharma4586 Thank you for your very kind comment. Our marriage vows included the words "forever and all eternity"

I'm glad you said that we can learn to love, I feel I could love most people now, within reason.

100%, loving someone is a skill, it's a choice.

Loving can be a choice, but I'd say more accurately it's an action. For most folks, romantic love requires a lot to make loving someone a good choice. Similar values, similar future goals, an underlying draw to them (though this can grow over time), ability to have fun together, no major deal breakers, and (for people who aren't asexual) sexual attraction. There should be a balance between the choice to act and the actual underlying compatibility.

@@thenopedetective I think the more we love, the less we expect from the person we love. People who expect something in return have never experienced real love. But of course not every loved one is suitable for a living relationship. That's a different story. :)

@@knofi7052 yes true but thats the problem for me. love someone who is in a relationship and give me no love back.

I think dating is pure gamble. As you said, other alternative is to build friendships and be happy. In addition, one of your friends may become a good romantic partner option for you

And you are single....

Boys are pretty much over that . 😄 No one wants to be friend-zoned

Have you tried the internet? And you look pretty-just lacking in style and feminity. Dress up and wear make-up and I am sure you'll reel someone in.

@@marlonmoncrieffe0728 and u lack respect

I think a lot more people are like that than they admit. I was quite similar in that I was always focused on women, then when adult life hit & suddenly a relationship didn’t even cross my mind as a fix to the new stress, it was & still is tricky to adjust. You’ll probably end up thinking as much about a hobby, work, friendships etc as you did about relationships, they’re more consistent forms of happiness than the potential ups & downs of relationships. But don’t write love off entirely, it’s an annoyingly overused saying but love will happen when you least expect it.

This resonsated with me so much! Society conditions us into believing that in order to be truly happy we must be in a relationship. That having a significant other is the epitome of true bliss and contentment in life. We then spend our former years romantasizing and deeply craving love, having this false belief it will satiate our purpose and meaning in life, which is utter rubbish. We're so consumed by the pursuit of a boyfriend/girlfriend that we neglect to be present and truly enjoy the phase of singleness we're in. There's nothing wrong with not dating. Don't ever compromise your values, or settle because of societal pressures. I'm 22 and I've never dated in my life. A lot of my friends are currently in relationships, and i used to feel so sad and envy them, because i would think like "is there soemthing wrong with me ?" And i constantly felt like true happiness can only be found once i had a man. But then i took a step back and realised my worth and value is not determined by how many people I've dated, or romantic partners I've had, but rather true bliss is found when one decides to choose to embrace every phase of their lives wholeheartedly. Finding abundance and enjoyment in being single, and realsing there's so much you can explore about yourself and love you can give yourself in that period. So that when the time comes for you to be in a relationship, you are not dependent on that other person to make you happy or validate your existence, but rather they just elevate and enhance your already existing happiness and love for life. It's that whole narrative of, " I'll be happy whe." Why can't you be happy while, while in that waiting period chose to be happy and find abundance in your life. Explore yourself, try new things, make new friends, take risks, fall in love with life.

Well done for observing this! Now that you are aware it is hard to change your thinking, paradoxically, it is going to get easier! This is what I experienced.

Don't get overly invested in the narrative that you must change to be happy. It can be a seeking trap as well. It's somewhat a paradox, but when you see you are perfect the way you are, that is what will shift you, and that is when you will be truly happy. Hope people can find it.

I can really relate to your story. I’m 19 and last year I broke off an unhealthy long term relationship that completely drained me. I was always someone who feared being alone and ran away from my life and responsibilities by being with my partner. I hit rock bottom and felt so terrible I realized I would rather be single and lonely than be in a terrible relationship but not single. Since then I’ve taken control of my life and I’m pursuing a lot of hobbies and taking care of myself. Like someone else said, one day you might be glad to not be dating and dealing with all the ups-and-downs, they’re very exhausting. Being single is very healing but don’t give up on love, just don’t settle and love yourself first and foremost.

🙌 Yay!

Thought you were talking about a horse

@@justinodo re-reading it now you could think that 😂 but it's about a man let's clear it up once and for all 😂

@@justinodo lmaoo

@@justinodo 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Right! The sooner we all realise that, the more at peace we will be, and the less pressure we will put on ourselves to be and find this perfect person.

I dont really think its possible for you to ,,have time” to be friends, since apparently you both don’t have enough time to continue an ,,emotionally mature and trusting” relationship, which many would kill for to have.

If you're going off to college then you should probably break up anyway, or at least that's what I did when I was in a similar spot. But if you still have time to be with your bf though then why not enjoy the time you have left? You're young enough that a relationship doesn't need to be held to the same standards as an adult relationship, something that lasts longterm, and in the vast majority of cases probably wouldn't work out anyway. But imo you can embrace that and still be together in the short term, until you need to go off to college or whatever

@@p003htb7 yeah, that’s a good point. for other, more personal reasons, i don’t think i can be in a relationship right now, but you’re absolutely correct. thank you :)

You cant be friends with your ex... what are you gonna do when you find out he's with other women... LOL you don't need that in your life.. just cut the cord and set him free and don't look back

@@CurlyFries120 he can be friends with whoever he wants… we both have the freedom to move on and date other people if we want. i’m not going to be upset or jealous, i just want him to be happy, whatever that looks like.

good point there

agreed! but i believe if it can bring people who have things in common and are emotionally mature, they have a higher chance of success

the concept of other half does not mean that you are not whole without or with it.its a spiritual connection between two individuals which happens overtime.

@@adityamakwana612 While I agree, that that can be an interpretation, it is often seen the way I described it. I distinctly remember the telling of the Greek story, where humans originally had four arms and four legs and two heads, but the gods were unsatisfied with that (for some reason), ripped them apart and then humans began to look for their missing part. And I know many people view it like that. I wanted to describe how I think that that view isn't a good expectation. Your view on the topic is very valid in my opinion, but also not the standard interpretation of 'my other half'.

@@smol-lo I tend to agree. However, I have my doubts about this philosophy as well. Especially recently. I do think it is important to feel a sense of "wholeness" on my own. It can be detrimental to project my entire sense of happiness and love onto another. And I do think it is possible to be pleased with oneself most of the time, and not require the validation of another person. At the same time, this sort of path reminds me very much of what monks and nuns aim to do. Which takes some level of training. Seeking partnership and intimacy is almost built into us by our very nature. To fully transmute this might take a lot more training and lifestyle change than we may think. There seems to be this idea that wanting connection and love in a relationship is due to childhood traumas, and the feeling of emptiness that may result. And I agree. I think that childhood trauma has a lot to do with how one perceives partnership and romance. But its the "how", not the mechanism itself. I think the drive towards romance is in fact natural, and very difficult to overcome fully.

@@awakenow7147 I do not think it is necessary to get rid of the urge for romance. I think it is normal and not necessarly harmful either. In my opinion many people just expect too much out of a potential relationship. They forget to love themselves, because it is easier, to be loved by somebody else. And they start to rely on their partner a lot. But a relationship is hard work and it is a dynamic between two individuals. It's not one persona, but two. And I think many people seem to forget and just sink into that feeling. That is what I think to be the harmful part.

@@smol-lo the greek story is quiet interesting first time i am hearing about it.in our culture marriage signifies a bond between souls that lasts for 7 lifetimes here we have to follow pati/patni dharma there is no translation for it but it can be said husbands duties towards wife and wifes duty towards husband they are supposed to be 2 wheels of chariot which denotes that both have to work in sync for a good life(otherwise chariot wont work)

That's such a self defeating mindset. "my partner's potential right away". I'm a very intuitive person myself, that does't make me a wizard who can read minds. People aren't something you can properly gauge the "potential" of within a min, an hour, a day, or even a week of meeting. And people only present the versions of themselves they want to when intially meeting someone new. That kind of mindset is how people end up breaking up within months after the honeymoon phase.

@@vallano8970 I understand your point but I think there's a lot you can see in someone, however they want to present themselves... I don't remember who that is, but there's a relationship coach who able to predict who will remain in their marriage or divorce within just a few minutes of interaction, with more than 95% accuracy... So I kind of believe in first impressions. They don't always work and sometimes I have been reading someone wrong, but most of the time I think when you enter a room full of strangers you can tell within a few minutes who you will become closest too. I dated a few men whom I felt nothing for at first, and it never developed into something I could see myself in long term. The only time I felt that was for someone I immediately had a crush on (not only because they were attractive, but because some details and small behaviours were saying a lot about their qualities). So I hope you're right and I'm wrong, because I wouldn't want to miss a chance ^^'.

@@fireflythinking1290 I'm kinda mixed on how I feel about this, because I think I'm somewhat similar to you. I honestly think if it is indeed your intuition, then that should be followed above all else. Sometimes intuition can pick up on red flags before the conscious mind even knows what is going on. And for someone to tell us not to trust that gut feeling...could be a huge disservice. At the same time, I try to be weary as to whether it is truly my intuition, or if its my ego posing as intuition. The ego can mimic anything genuine, and make it seem legit. By "ego", I mean my superficial preferences that have nothing to do with wanting genuine love and connection. For example, I might find someone attractive within reason, but then my ego will create doubt as to whether this person fits the fantasies about romance that I may have had. Its making an unreasonable checklist as to what is superficially "compatible" beyond crucial things, like core ideals etc. I still have yet to reconcile this inner conflict, but I thought I would just add this perspective.

@@awakenow7147 Exactly! I think intuition can see red flags even before they are brought to your consciousness. That's why I say sometimes I read people wrong, because my ego gets into the equation (either because I belittle myself thinking the other is better, or the contrary, etc). When I don't feel bothered by ego, I think I consider people quite accurately most of the time. Also sometimes some people are just very surprising (like narcissists who hide their creepy side very well). PS: I think I also have the romance problem... But how are you supposed to differenciate what you really 'want' in a partner from what romance (movies etc) tell you to want ? Like if I believe I would be happiest for example with someone creative, that has known similar pains I have, which kind of falls under the "tortured musician/writer etc" stereotype... Is it wrong? ahah

@@fireflythinking1290 Good point about narcissists. I've had a run-in with one of them in the past, and they really do their best in trying to hide it from you. Very chameleon-like in the way that they can throw off your sense of judgement. Sometimes they even pretend to be like you, and will seemingly share your interests. Thankfully, if we've had experiences with narcs in the past, then it can almost enhance our intuition to be able to pick up on those subtle cues. Yeah I wish I knew the answer to the romance question too. I wouldn't describe myself as an artist type per se, although I have done quite a bit of writing. But I think "tortured" is one way to describe me as well, as I've endured lots of anxiety since childhood. I find myself in a similar dilemma as you; What does it mean to be with someone who is "good for me"? Some people say that you need someone who will push you to be your best self. But isn't "best self" different for each person? I am actively striving to be better, and to be able to process my anxieties and neuroses. But to be honest, the last thing I want is for my partner to be some kind of self-help guru. Like most people on this earth, I simply want to be heard, and if I want advice, I will ask for it. I don't necessarily want someone to be "pushing" me to do anything other than what is currently my best effort. I guess my main point is, not only do we have to reconcile the romance fantasies, but also a lot of self-help culture as well. That subculture seems to be setting a new standard in regards to what we "should" be looking for in a relationship.

People haven’t learned have to give effort in regular dynamics that they think their romantic partner must subsitite. I think this is wrong because it placed pressure on the individual and that can have long lasting effects. People automatically hold resentment for people they hardly know and make things too personal when they need to be in therpay to work on rejection and their communication (conflict/resolution) skills. Social media has conflate people to believe being entertaining is the primary aspect of a relationship and not even a long one. People really can’t think beyond that because they’re stubborn to work on themselves so they stay in these superficial relationships

So does that saying imply that you'll have to work your way to compatibility?🤔

@@khongelaningobeni6614 For sure. Because when we as a society look at marriage. We automatically assume that a specific man and a specific woman are just supposed to make their way through marriage. We just assume that everything is going to be fine. But it actually takes so much effort and it is for obvious reasons underrated, because it doesn't sound that cool. And nobody likes hearing this complicated explanation. They just want the easy answer which sounds good to them.

@@DeerghKataria Oh, that is very true. Relationships require a lot of input from both parties to succeed.

Who said that?

exctly

Beautifully written!

Beautifully put

Maybe it could be worth it to look at two different ideals. There's passionate love and companionate. Passionate love is often more unhealthy, but can be so fun and fulfilling and learn so much about yourself. Companionate love grows with time and requires stability to grow. Both are real love, but show up at different times and have different chemical components.

@@thenopedetective A lot of times the so-called love that grows over time is sort of a facade, an unattainable ideal that doesn't actually exist. I think this is actually a big part of the problem with relationships: the fact that people put on a front to the world that they are in a happy and fulfilling long term relationship, but in reality, at best it's only actually fulfilling for one of the two people, while the other constantly feels unsatisfied, annoyed, etc... So everyone looks at others who seemingly have a "happily ever after" relationship, while being faced with the reality that they do not feel that way in their own relationship, which causes them to always chase after the "end of the rainbow" that does not exist. Similar to how if you look at the highlight reel of people's lives on Instagram, it can make you feel that your life is very boring and inadequate in comparison... The type of "relationship" that people display to the world is basically a narcissistic projection, and not the actual reality that lies behind the facade. So in my opinion, a lot of the time this so-called long term love is actually more like a "status" that people identify with, rather than actual reality. From my own personal experience, I was once in a long term relationship with a girl I didn't feel that passionately about, and yes I cared about her, and there was a bond between us, and I felt very sad after we broke up. I could have easily ended up marrying her, and played the obligatory role of being "in love" with her for the rest of my life, and played along with the cultural facade that everyone pretends is real. But the truth is that I was never satisfied with her, and I would have been basically sacrificing my own life for the sake of her happiness (and the fact that she probably would have been totally happy and satisfied with that just goes to show how selfish this so-called love can actually be...) I think this is almost always the case, where one person loves the other more than they love them. This usually happens when a girl reaches her late 20s, and settles down with a guy who she feels less passionate about, but who she can feel secure will not leave her. And then she plays along with the societal role of being "in love," and her husband is satisfied, and believes that she actually feels the same way as he does. And thus the cultural facade is perpetuated... The truth is that either way, love is basically like a mirage

@@aaronmarchand999 So well said! I agree with everything. It's the clinging what causes the pain and heartache. It would be so much easier if we just took everything as is, enjoyed it while it lasted, and then moved on without feeling the heaviness of what we've lost.

Hit the nail on the head right there

Well said. I recently sent something to the tune of "I'm taking a break from dating so I can actually focus on myself and where I am going in life. I'd rather not ghost you but I'm saying this won't go anywhere" to my matches. You'd be surprised how many have felt the same. Lol So much of it is fake.

great comment, totally agree

Trust me don’t get into online dating lol

Its also worth noting the wider selection available online since its a profile that can be accessed at all times and its not reliant on both people being in the same temporal space with the same predisposition. I said nice things, tinder please unban me I'm begging you:/

Same thing for me. Haven't been on a dating site for one year after trying to meet someone online over a 3 year period. It is a relief not to rely on potential matches to create a sense of self worth. Now I feel happier and lighter not searching for "the one". Relationships have become so shallow now and I don't do well with conceded people. Sorry for the rant 😂.

folks, dating apps are full of misfits and hook-up artists... meet someone in person, join a club or social activity, where the focus is on the event not a person - and you can vet them more thoroughly. For more insight see Prof. Sam Vaknin's YT vids on the psychotic nature of online dating... especially these days. Good luck and god bless.

The question is: How to find a good friendship before sexual attraction? Creating both at once seems extremely difficult due to aureoli effect.

@@mastermati773 I debate this quite often. I think, in my experience, I can lose sexual attraction if their personality doesn't arouse me, or I can gain sexual attraction if their personality is arousing. Physical attraction just makes it easier or harder to gain or lose sexual attraction, but it's certainly not the deciding factor for myself. Personally I have a very low tolerance for an unattractive personality, but I think I also have a low tolerance for someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves. I've seen plenty of people who work with what they've got and been tastefully attractive, then having a great personality really pushes them into sexual attraction. Just as physical attraction will make some overlook personality flaws, personality attraction will allow you to overlook physical "flaws" too. You might initially notice someone because they're not physically revolting, and then their personality hooks you. I think at least that much is true of any friendship.

This is why you should wait to have sex late into dating. Ideally until marriage but you won't see how compatible you two truly are if you are blinded by the physical only and at the beginning.

I've been struggling with the idea that it's ever really possible to know oneself. We in part are informed of who we are from others and the self is always changing.

naive

That's so true! Nowadays most people want all the perks of having someone without compromising their life as well and are willing to leave at the first "mistake"... Effort should be something that both parts are willing to make and talk about it.

Soulmates do exist. Twin Flames too. You have to go inside. Most people are focused on their ego on their mind. But as the word soulmate indicates - it is about the soul.

Your post brings up a lot of good points but next time, PLEASE work on your spelling and grammar.

Still think you need more years of life experience to have a more whole view of how life really works. This sounds like what a 24 year old would say.

Agreed. By the way, this is all better accomplished of you avoid sex in the beginning of the relationship.

Wooops! I didn't think about that at all hehe, sorry.

Yup. i stopped trying. I dont know how it is for women but for men here in America, dating is a shitshow. It only depresses me and there are too many female experiences where I was just disposable. Trying to date only made me feel like im not good enough and im at fault for everything. Best to just go my own way cuz the most peaceful times of my life were when there was no woman in my mind.

@@tauhidd.8093 That’s sad I live in America too and I have exactly the same issue. I feel disposable for men. I’m a little bit tired of trying or even worse I don’t have to try because this days nobody put the necessary effort to make things work 😔 hopefully that can change 🥺✨🙌🏽

Meee

@@diananurtlessova9388 at least I’m not the only one 🥺 Hopefully that change for you 💕 we’ll deserve good company 🙏✨

@@kflecha1 its a common thing for men in america. You might hear about it more in the future. Probably in the news. Things in American media is twisted. So you will probably hear how men in America are "choosing to go their own way" and how its affecting women. Or you might hear "growing percentage of the population is single, the problem is men". Men here in America dont feel valued. In fact they arent. We are told that we are responsible for problems. We are told that "men are trash". You may not believe me but its true. We are the majority of people who are homeless, victims and perpetrators of crime, and we are the majority of people who signup and die in combat. Most people who commit suicide are men. Not sure if that stat applies to outside the US btw. Men are more likely to be depressed and lonely. Honestly, for men, dating is like an interview. You apply for 50 places and hopefully you get 1 interview. You contact 100 women and possibly get 1 match. Also, one other problem. Men are also seen as disposable. Again idk about other countries. Men are seen as disposable so that 1 match out of 100 doesnt treat you right. I can keep going about how marriage in US isnt going well either. Point is a lot of men feel like it isnt worth getting stomped on by women who see men as subhuman and then to get married and cheated on or lose your money and belongings from divorce. Makes them feel like you may as well stay single and stay away from women. At least you keep your sanity. Again, you might disagree. People might hate me for this post. People may call me sexist. Im not sexist but i will not tolerate bs. You will hear in the news that more men are going their own way but they will phrase it in a way as if it is a problem affecting women. And that men are the cause.