@@Vivi_9 Spreading the truth does not rage on a political channel. The issue is a humanitarian issue greater than a political one. The English political media is the most despicable of media. The truth must branch out for fear of brainwashing future generations. As a girl of Arab origin and reality, I must spread this, so that it will not be lost from people’s eyes and They return to indulge in worldly desires and abandon the truth. Muslims are here to spread the truth, with my very great respect
Lana, can we be friends? I'm serious! I'm very easy to talk to. I'm a lawyer in the US, and it's always good to be friends with a lawyer, kinda like its good to know an expert home repair person or a special financial advisor or accountant. It's helpful! Also I live in the US, but my parents were immigrants, so I've thought tons and tons about the USA, good and otherwise. I know you are very very very smart, but if you had questions/concerns about the US, I would be I think a solid resource to talk about the US. I know you quite literally have one million followers+. But, anyway, let's be friends. :)
You're trying to make friends with the wrong persons then. Also, in order to attract the kind of friends we want we need to be loving to ourselves to a large degree.@@leandroantelo7154
@@leandroantelo7154 speak for yourself! The thing that makes people look at you weird is they can see the desperation in your eyes. If you desire deep connections but don't base your self-worth on whether or not you get them then you'll do fine
I agree with you on “low maintenance friendships “. Too often I have felt that I wasn’t a priority, and afraid of being labeled needy if I expressed this. The fact is, I enjoy your company and miss it. Life is supposed to be about family AND friends.
One of the major signs of success is that you make your friends and family a priority in your life. If you don't have that then you might possibly not have your shit together.
But why do you need to be the priority in someone's else's life? I would only expect that from a parent when I was a child, or a spouse. I don't expect to be the priority my friends life. I find that odd. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying
@@necabibi3558 In the same way people prioritize their spouse, some might do that with a friend. Mind you, this is usually reserved for friends you actually consider such, the closest ones, and I dare say, most importantly, for a true "best friend". Prioritization is all about putting your focus on something, and this may happen with a friend during hard times, spending quality time with them etc. We all apply some sort of prioritization to people closest to us, becayse we love them and we want to show that, and the stronger the love, the more we want to put them on the spotlight. And there are some friendships that reach the same level of closeness as you might with a spouse; it is not surprising to see this sort of prioritization with such friendships, where they also see each other as a number 1 priority; it's a natural consequence of their closeness, and the love it brings
To everyone who said a friend is someone who doesn't judge you, don't be mistaken. Those are flatterers not friends, real friends call you on your shit and don't validate your awful toxic traits, a real friend is a thorn in your side. If you want an enabler then a flatterer will be perfect and revel and watch your downfall all while faux consoling you. A friend will say, get your shit together, hes an asshole, block him.
Everyone judges, whether it's unspoken or not - because judgments can also be favorable, despite modern connotations. I think what they actually mean is someone who shares their values.
Judging someone means thinking a negative thought about them. And that is not loving. However being truthful in a direct, clear, KIND and non-judgmental way is good.
Currently seeing all my friendships fade to dust 4 years after finishing uni, hurts when you thought these were gonna be your life long friends, and they make less and less effort to see you as much as you want to see them
@@g_factking Not necessarily, it's been nearly 5 years since and we stayed very close, seeing and talking to each other regularly, we are all turning 25 and I guess people have other priorities now, I understand but honestly, this feeling sucks.
"They make less and less effort" Mayhaps they are going through personal hardships or growth focusing on themselves to focus on others. I wouldn reprimand them for living their lives. If you were truly meant to be friends then you will find each other again and reconnect, the time lost wth each other can be regained... it isnt fair to them or yourself holding that against them. I truly believe we are meant to meet differt people throughout our lives but that doesnt mean they will stay with us forever. Learn to let go.
low maintenance friendships are…complicated. friendships that i really value that can be mistaken for low maintenance friendships are the type of friendships where you’re like cousins. you might not talk for months, but when you’re reunited it’s like you were never apart. not siblings, just…cousins. :)
I am staring 63 in the face. I have five solid friends. One, I've known 50 years. Two, I've known 44 years. One, I've known 32 years. One, I've known 5 years. I talk to the more recent friends more often, but less specifically. I talk to the older friends less often, but we talk for hours, and very in depth. And it always feels like no time has passed.
The last point you mentioned resonated with me a lot: having always been an introverted loner, I always claimed that I loved solitude and that it didn’t bother me. But in the last few years, I’ve been feeling a constant loneliness that is so deep it’s physically painful at times. Then I’d feel ridiculous bc those two feelings are supposed to be contradictory. But no, they’re different and can coexist. I can enjoy my alone time, but I can also crave physical and emotional connection. Deep down I think I knew this, but I needed the reminder, so thank you ❤
fellow loner here. I’m starting to realize that I need people too. I have a difficult time making friends and an even harder time keeping them. I often feel quite happy to do my own thing, but then I have a nice conversation and it makes me realize what I’m missing.
yess same till HS i was same but one day i accepted my feelings as they were , decided to work on my social anxiety and i still remember how hard it was to approach new people even if they were friendly to you but after all the work i made a bestfriend his friends became my friend not that close but well , but i'm so glad i worked on my social anxiety nd now i have a bestfriend also i have another close friend i made coz i had a crush on them, it didn't work out but i have a close friend i share a deep connection with and i am so grateful for that and i still love being in solitude with me but also at different times want to just talk to my friends.
Most people lack the self-discipline and resolve to honor their friends. Most people try to do good but often obstacles and fatigue sets in. Because of this, determination is absolutely necessary for friendship to mean anything. Friendship is a duty (which is a burden to most), not courtesy call or holiday greetings, those are false.
There are 3 types of friends in your life: A) Temporary friends, those who you spend some time in certain activities like a school club, sports, music band, etc. B) Convenience friends, the worse type of friends cuz they pretend to be your friend until they get what they want from you, it doesn’t has to be something bad but after a period of time they ghost you and they avoid any kind of connection with you. C) Long term friends, the most beautiful type of friend, someone who supports you, stay on your side, try to do anything to make you happy, no matter what. Also, he or she doesn’t let you out of their plans, usually they include you before anyone else. And this is the only type of friend who lasts the most, we are talking about years or even decades. Good look finding long term friends.
Going through it right now, I learned that many friends turned into acquaintances over the years, they didn’t made effort to meet up to see each other in person, we only share the past and I feel like I grown so much and they didn’t even now how you said in the video the new me. Hope there many people like you and everybody that sees this video in the world, I really don’t like that people are so much self centered in an unhealthy way, humans need other humans. It’s not healthy to isolate too much.
A simple test is to minimize your efforts and to see if they notice. Fairweather friends won't bother to reach out to see how you're doing or notice that you're gone from their lives.
This perspective draws from evolutionary biology, women face challenges in forming genuine friendships stem from intra-female competition for resources and mate. In a contemporary context, the observation is made that women's conversations often prioritize validation over honest feedback, potentially hindering personal growth. The argument implies that the fear of bettering someone else through honest feedback might be linked to a perceived threat to one's own resources, such as social status, skills, job, salary and mate. A sentiment shared by many females and males. However, there are friendships that breaks these rule, the kind of selfless,self aware, unconditional support between two people is a very rare quality. Those kind of quality goes against our primitive lower base survival program. I have given up looking for those friendships. Heck even your own family has the Inherent competitive program. If people do find those friendships then it is godsend, they should count themselves lucky.
One of my best friends and I had been considering our friendship “low-maintenance”, but I am realizing that it’s not. We still hang out very often, it’s just we have healthy boundaries with each other, and if one of us isn’t feeling up to something, we can say no and no one is offended. I can be 100% real with her, and if there is judgement, I know where she is coming from, so I can respect her advice.
This sounds healthy to me. But what's the difference between that and a low maintenance friend though? I think I'm misunderstanding what a low maintenance friends is
Been feeling betrayed by few very good friends of mine. Them disrespecting me in front of others, calling out my insecurities when I trusted them with it, and taking me for granted. I have stopped talking to them anymore. We all should cut negativity off from our life.
oh my god. i am so thankful you brought up the thing about low-maintenance friendships becoming too glorified these days. it's an excuse to not put effort into friendships. when, in fact, every relationship requires effort to stay solid. there should be a mutuality there. 'cause, if you don't take care of it and give proper attention, it will fizzle out. and you can easily go back to being strangers or acquaintances
I agree with you Lana - our sense of duty to one another is definitely diminishing. As I get older I am not pleased with low effort interactions anymore. I once thought, "Oh wow, how nice that this person thought of me out of the blue," but now I want more. I want to give and receive more in terms of intimacy/closeness with real friends. This is energy that should be used selectively with the right people (as I only desire to have a close circle of friends). I think it is healthy to want those kinds of relationships.
Relationships are frowned upon in this society. If you show somebody that you care about them, they will think you are a creeper, desperate, needy, clingy, etc etc, blah blah blah, whatever crap they can pull out their ass to use against you.
I think people have those things, they just have it within different relationships. Some have it with a spouse. Some have it within a family, like siblings. Some have it in friends. People find it in different places.
I have friend groups where we've known each other for years but we aren't close. I've come to accept that some friends are only "hang out friends". For some reason, that friendship just won't grow. We're cordial. I show up to their parties or weddings. I believe these friendships are important too but they can taxing.
@@mtngrl5859oh damn! exactly... My god, you're literally few of people knew this exact status .. i also noticed that Nobody ever use that word adult generation after 2006.. from stranger to friend that quick over a months or year? like seriously it doesn't work that way...
Integrity. Loyalty. Love. Those are qualities of a true friend. I don’t need to see them for 5 years and still give them a huge hug kind of friend because we KNOW each other.
people who only message you if you message them are not friends. you see them as such but they don't deserve you or treat you as such. don't bother with that low effort crap. they just aren't interested in you in any way. quality over quantity. i've never had more than a handful of friends and rarely had really genuine friendships. even then, none of them lasted beyond the point where they were convenient to happen. when your physical places split, you split and don't speak to each other at all. i've tried texting people and they send 1 message and then don't reply again. i'm not going to double text like i used to in the past. nowadays, if someone doesn't respond, i simply let them be
I had to finally let go of two of my long term friends who became LM friends. It was tough, but I had to do it. I got too depressed planning and investing so much time, effort, and even money into hangouts they desired only for them to cancel last minute or not return the favor due to being “busy”. The funny thing is with women like this is that they somehow always manage to get to work on time and carve out plenty of time for the random men who are currently giving them mindless attention. The value of friendship gets lost on lots of 20 something girls and they won’t realize it until it’s too late to apologize to the worthwhile girls they left behind.
The phrase "low maintenance friendship" is a contradiction in itself. Because friendships are meant to be maintained. If that's the case, you may as well just call them like how you call your coworkers in a company, cause honestly what's the difference then? If anything, if you're someone that prefers low maintenance friendships over lasting, "high maintenance" ones, then that tells me you got commitment/trust issues.
The Irony isn't it.. well the urbanized people in the city are now dysfunctional at social function causef by economy.. ironically despite having all this "comforts" you can get with money.. the process to achieve this comfort is selfishness the root cause of this severed function of social abilities.. now from what i observe is.. people don't want to be close with you if they learned that you gave them no perks.. we're getting quite terrible at friendship, selfish and no more story of making huge alliances compared to decades age.. I've heard a story of 10 best pal who created one of the most powerful company that still exists to this day (forgot the name but it's history are there somewhere..) trying to replicate that kind of powerful alliance is what we needed during this crazed property market shared home but.. isn't the modern average house shrinking in sizes too? Unlike the one made in 1700 with 10 bedroom for a two story house?
Friendships have been fleeting for me, especially as an adult. All of us live our own lives and we grow in and out of certain phases, so it can be difficult to relate at times as we grow. Aristotle's take on friendships is something to ponder on, thanks!
@@kristywrightson4031 Yes to both those reasons. Most of my friends are married with children, so they are spending more time with their family and raising their kids. The ones who are still single are often busy with school or work. Also, with the prices of everything going up rent, food, bills, etc , people have less money to spend going out to eat or to a movie. I only see a group of my friends once a week at open mic night and another group of friends once a month or once every couple months at another open mic. I'm often spending weekends at home watching movies, dancing to music, playing with my cat, writing or reading which is what I used to do even before meeting my current friends. it's like we are turning into a lonely society.
it's not only that, ppl became incredibly competitive and envious of eachother so no one wants to see someone else doing better than them! It's a sad time for humanity...
@@mydream881 People of different status rarely become friends, and people who experience a change of status stop being yours' - unless they're enlightened and good. It's hard to hang on to people because people change most of the time.
🐢 it's better to be alone than with wrong friends.My friends left me while I was going through depression and they starting blaming me and saying that I am using depression for attention when I opened up.i thought of taking my own life now after 4 years no msgs , no calls and me being alone
This is exactly what a friend of mine experiences. One of his friendgroups developed to a clique and they made his depressions worse. Fortunately you can decide which people affect your life and which don‘t. So you can sort out people that hurt you in any way and keep the ones that make you flourish.
Somewhere along the way I began to think.. Holy shit maybe I shouldn't self isolate so hard... And maybe I should actually try to pursue romantic relationships too instead of being weird and trying to avoid it like the plague.. and then I thought about astrology my favorite topic and mine.. and also found yours and There is some similarities but I am a complete anomaly if you knew my life story you would be like no way this is real but it is xD ... And Then I tried reaching out to you but Idk I guess u didn't care [ Also I'm sometimes a very impatient Aries moon xDDD ] @@LanaBlakely
We often fail to realize the kind of friendship we have with someone. We get attached and we find out that they really don't care. As long as they have someone, they won't reach out and they will just let the friendship die without a care in the world.
This makes me sad. I'm 22 and I haven't had any friends for 10 years. I never learned how to maintain friendships or what to talk about. I'm to anxious to have a normal conversation with strangers/neighbors. I did not always feel the need for friends, but i regret that, because I'm stuck alone. I feel like almost everyone has a friend they had since childhood or teens.. I sometimes feel as if it is too late.
Same here- I do have a very close friend from childhood but live overseas now. The past 14 years I have had one close friend and she moved back home to have children. I now just rely on my husband to make friends as he grew up in the city I moved to. It’s just not the same though. I’m a sahm so it can be very isolating. Looking for a part time job so I can be more social .
I have no friends from my childhood(5-18 years old). I had school friends, and they fizzled by my early 20s, had college friends, and they also faded after a couple of years. I have one friend of 25 years, who i met at work.
A big part of my improvement on social connection was cutting out toxic/exploitative people that left me emotionally drained. I didn't realize until recently how bad this was, as it basically left me with no motivation to make new friends. It was a pit. After taking some time to recover from that I'm I'm rekindling old friendships that left a positive impact on me and I'm hoping I can create new ones as well 💙
I actually had this conversation with my closest friend a few months ago, the 'what is friendship?' question. We both came to the conclusion that friendships almost are like relationships, they need time, they need effort and they give you back a lot of love and care. Sometimes they fade, sometimes they stick forever. It all depends on honesty and communication, just like in romantic relationships.
@@spiritlance364 It depends. I think that it is important to not expect anything from people to avoid disappointment. Also, I have a friend with autism, and I realize I act differently with him because I don't expect him to be really empathetic and compassionate and I have never been disappointed by him. I just try to be for him without expecting anything in return, without expecting him to write me when I feel bad because I know that he won't act like me. He is not neurotypical, so I don't expect him to act neurotypically. After knowing this, when other friends make me feel bad or they are not there for me when I need them (even though I am always available to that person) I start to think about how that person acts with other people, for example with their family or other friends. Then I realized that even though they are neurotypical, they just don't act like a normal person. So I don't expect them to be normal with me. Of course, there are shitt* and narcissistic people and those who believe they are the main character but most people are good, but they have shitt* problems that make them act weird and not logical with friends. Thanks to that mindset I really don't get any disappointment, because weird people can't act normal haha xD It is funny, it is like an inside joke but it works for me I guess.
@@mangayakposowa4334 That is true but sometimes we expect so much from other people who aren't capable of doing what we expect. We just have to accept people as they are and if we don't feel ok with that we can leave that friendship behind. But first, we need to be a good friend to set standards for other people. For example, if I want a friend who understands me, doesn't judge me, and stays with me in the bad times I need to do the same first, I cannot expect something that I'm not willing to give. If I manage to be a good friend, then two things will happen, they will become a good friend or they will not. If they are not reciprocal with me is because maybe they don't like me that much, they are shitt* people and just want to get an advantage or they aren't capable of doing it. If those "friends" don't like me or they are shitt* people I just must RUN from that kind of relationship. But if they aren't capable because they have some issues but they just don't know it or they are narcissistic, they have like trust issues, avoidant attachment or so. So you can't expect normal behavior from them, that's why you can just accept them and deal with them with caution, knowing that you can't expect much from them, or distance yourself from those people. In the end, it is each person's decision, but it all starts with us being what we expect from others.
Man, about low maintenaince friends, I have something to say: I definitely agree with you on the romanticization of it to mask what's really beneath it, which is a lack of sense of duty and emotional responsibility towards one another. I have (had?) a friend who we used to talk to everyday, like EVERYDAY, for months on end. We had been through a hiatus before but then we reconnected and took it from there. Mind you, this was someone with whom I talked everyday, sharing my thoughts, feelings, worries on an intimimate level and doing the same for her also. Well, August rolls in and puff, she disappears. Like really disappears, no response to text messages no nothing. I though it was because she was going through a quite busy period, so I let it slide. Sent her a few texts in November congratulating her on a big achievement. Still nothing. Man, it's January now! We had Christmas and other festive ocasions when she could have reached out to me and nothing. I'm jus puzzled, more than sad, about this whole situation. It just makes me reconsider if this is someone I want to keep in my life tbh because I feel really neglected and ignored.
Talk to her, try asking her if something happened or saying how you feel about this sudden change. Not because of her, but because of you, so that you can get a sense of closure maybe
Ghosting is the most horrid modern form of interaction! It became a new thing and now it's staying... they ghost without having any valid reasons and no explanation whatsoever just lazy af!! Seriously fuk the whole thing ... the state of humanity is just getting worse and worse!
Oh gosh, ghosting is horrible horrible both people, the person whobgets it and thr person who does it - I'm currently ghosting quite a few people and at the same time being ghosted by a few people as well... I don't like either but I'm coming to understand that it doesn't mean anything, just that - that relationship does not fit - it doesn't mean anything about you personally, just that it wasnt the right match
Yeah its annoying that people cannot even at least communicate when they need time for themselves, or need a break, a lot of people are just bad communicators and not really in touch with their emotions or how to be truly empathetic. It comes down to some trauma and if people aren't to good at dealing with themselves in certain ways they project onto their relationships
14:10 Agreed, a low-maintenance friendship is an all actuality a very pleasant acquaintanceship. I have learned to not give those my energy and focus and serious consideration. Intentional, active, mutually-reciprocal friendships where we continue to grow and evolve together are way more meaningful and satisfying year after year.
Real friendships starts by giving, looking at all those replies to what a friend is seems like people today consider friendship as something to consume rather then an opportunity to give.
I never felt this lonely than before. I just need one genuine friend who can atleast listen to me. I'm literally in a state where I'm not speaking enough which is affecting my physical health.
I started backpacking this past year and made a handful of deep connections I consider as circumstantial friendships. For some of them, we've met up again in different countries while traveling, and for others, I even got to see them again visiting their home cities/countries. Because of the distance and timezone differences, we don't communicate on a regular basis, but I'd like to think they are solid low maintenance friendships!
There’s a distinction between being fickle/selfish and realizing how highly demanding life can be. And there is a difference in how social different ppl like to be, in general or at a given time. Often cancelling last minute or taking an unreasonable time to text back are most likely selfish/fickle. Truly having a lot going and not being as available is living responsibly. Friendship is important, but it’s only one important aspect in life. Someone can choose to end a friendship if they feel they are not being given enough attention. The other person can end it because they don’t feel the friend is being understanding enough. This does not necessarily make either party wrong, just means they want different things in their friendships
Okay it's actually very astonishing how this is something that I'm going through right now and I just saw your video and I literally think you made it for me. Love you big sister always 🧡
I remember the first time I went out with my girlfriend's friends after we broke up. I was expecting to have a great night, but it was very strange & everyone suddenly felt different. That was the last time I saw them. Later in life I realized that was normal & You explain it perfectly.
I really appreciate your videos. I’m a woman going through depression and loneliness. I really tried to find relatable videos relating to loneliness, not specifically for women, but just like a video like this. But everything always relates to the male loneliness epidemic, and it saddened me that I couldn’t find something like this. It almost feels like my loneliness isn’t a valid feeling. So, I thank you for sharing your experiences. It really means a lot to me ❤ I wish there were more videos like these out there.
My best friend completely ghosted me about a month ago. She’s done this twice before. She just disappears and stops responding to messages for weeks or months. Then she texts again and says she wasn’t feeling well and it’s back to normal. I always try to understand and empathise with her but this is the third time she’s done this and it seems selfish but at this point I don’t want to continue the friendship anymore. It sucks because she’s my best friend but this behaviour is wild and I can’t put up with it anymore. She knows everything about me and my life and I don’t even know if I’ll ever hear from her again. This is worse than getting ghosted by a guy.
I had a "friend" like this and it devolved into her unloading her divorce feelings onto me for years without reciprocity until she finally dumped me entirely for being honest about her kid bullying my kid. These are the type of people who are not successful and will bring you down.
I think your points are great but there’s one thing that I would like to reflect on after experiencing it myself- circumstantial friendships, especially the ones where your partners friends become yours, can evolve. The way everyone makes friends is different and there are people who are always going to be grateful to have you in their life even if you split with the person who introduced you to them.Friendships are so interesting and they mean different things for everybody ❤ love your content Lana!
I’ve been lucky enough to have remained extremely close to 4 of my high school friends, and I’m extremely grateful, they’re all like brothers/sisters to me, I feel like after high school, it’s a lot harder to make genuine friendships where people actually want to put in the effort in to wanting to get to know you, like yea I’ve met people at college, we go out and all, but it doesn’t really feel like they’re my friends (if that makes sense) my close friends are people that know me personally, know my backstory, my family, and I know them on a personal level as well and even consider them family, with my close friends, I can hang out with them and do something as simple as watch movies at home, play pool, listen to music while we converse about stuff, go to a park and just walk around, and we’ll have an extremely fun time, but with acquaintances and casual friends, I feel like we have to go clubbing or something hedonistic (like drugs, drinking, hooking up, etc.) in order to have “fun”, I can’t converse with them about the same thing I would with my closer friends, I don’t know if it’s my fear of abandonment, but I really hate getting attached to people after they open up to me, opening up to someone to me is a sign that usually someone really confides in you, but no, sometimes those people just wanna hear themselves talk and want someone to hear them, doesn’t matter who it is, and a lot of people seem to do that a lot now at days, just use you as a free therapist smh, anyway, close friends that genuinely care about you and that you have an extremely close brother/sister-like bond are one in a million, and I am extremely grateful for those friends, I cherish them every single day and I let them know how much they mean to me, even when we don’t see each other often, getting a message from them every now and then checking up on me makes me whole week.
You worded it so well what I've been feeling dang. I too have abandonment/attachment issues. When people open up to me I assume they want to be closer friends but when it's a stranger and they do it while inebriated I find it hard to know if their intentions are to just vent or to open up to me. There was a time my brother had invited me to drink at a bar and told me it's a good way for me to make friends there. I told him at the time it's not for me to go to bars and shizz and that for me it's really for forming friendships most of the time because during drinking parties most people were there to just have a good time. He blew up at me and started reprimanding me and I couldn't really say why at the time. Maybe to him it's like I was saying something offensive about his friends, but I was just saying that I was looking to find close friends and not just acquaintances.
Dear Lana, When I watch your videos, I always feel like I have a friend, an older sister, that I always wanted to have. Even now, when no one friend is left by my side, I feel that somewhere there is someone who understands me. Thank you for that🧡☀️
Hmmm, can't say that i agree that "low maintenance" friendships is a bad thing necessarily. It totally depends on the stage on what the friendship with the person has evolved. The best friendships for me personally is "low maintenance" atm as a 32 year old man. I have 7 close friends who are like brothers to me for about 20 years soon. We meet maybe about 3 times a year, and other than that we focus on our spouses, family stuff etc. I have 2 of them as "closer" friends than the others however as time have passed, (that i hang out/talk with more). But just because we doesn't hangout all the time like we used in the past, doesn't mean we're not as close as we once were. Immediately when we meet, everything is like usual. So "low mantience friendship" isn't always bad, if it goes both ways.
I can only have my low-maintenance friendships. I understand your comment. My husband and children are my priority and aging mother. It's impossible to see friends all the time at this stage of life (52). Best wishes to you.
I can relate. Because the friendship has a good solid foundation, in your case 20 years of friendship. Same with me, I saw a friend once a week for about a year and we became super close. Then he was travelling a lot, and I travel a lot and went through personal struggles, but even if we talk once a month, it’s really fulfilling. I can’t be texting you every day, or even once a week. It’s just too much at times, even with the friends I love to pieces. I just have a low social need.
Thank you, this helped me better understand my recent friendship breakup. We had been friends for 10+ years and, were there for each other through many life changes, always hung out, bouncing ideas off each other, and generally enjoying each other's company (or so I thought). It turns out I was just a friend of utility to him while I thought we were lifelong friends. Eventually he kept telling me how he prefers his friendships to be "low maintenance" and you know how it goes from there. I always heard about things like "friends for a season" but never understood why it had to be that way. Knowing the types of friendships is more helpful and less confusing to help navigate these relationships.
I think my heart just stopped having any real connection or a real friendship with anyone after joining my college...its just smiles , handshakes, studies. I feel empty when I think about my college friends whereas my school friends make me feel like home and I can just be there without any formalities....btw great video
Omg Lana THANK YOU for this, your words on the "main character syndrome" made me feel completely seen, as I think the same as you, but nowadays honestly with all this globalization with tiktok and other social medias, I felt like the only person that thought like you. I feel like as a society we are all becoming apart of one another. Values like empathy or emotional responsibility are not what they used to be, and I think it all just starts with many things like "self-love" becoming so popular and misused, even capitalized.
Agree on some points but not all. I need a friend that is on the same emotional wavelength. That understands when I cancel plans because of my anxiety and the other way around. I can be flaky but it’s never because I don’t want to see my friends but because how I feel at that time/need of alone time. Because friendsships, it takes alot of understanding and real care for each other. I don’t think everybody need high maintenance friendships and it all depends on who we are and our values and needs
Agreed I just had this conversation with my mom which is where I get this tendency from. Everyone has different needs. As long as the people in the relationship are satisfied with the level of connection and relationship it doesn’t really matter
You should meet people halfway. Don’t overextend yourself but start thinking about how such a hyper individualized culture and weaponization of therapyspeak can enable people to be militantly protective of their own energy or “boundaries” at the detriment of their relationships and consolidating connections .
I haven‘t watched the video yet but yes I‘ve been saying the low maintenance thing. It‘s so annoying that people normalise not really having friends. If u actually only talk once every 3 months what do u get from that friendship. I want to feel like I experience life together with my friends, like they are my community
*Dear Lana.* Congratulations on your 23 minute long film. I wish all your videos were that long! Because they are so cinematic, so original, so great, so grand, so spectacular...
Can we also address the fact that low maintenance friendships can also be traumatizing? i mean, there probably was a time where we used to be talking regularly and be so close with them, but when time, indifferences, distance, and new environments interefered - it shifted to this kind of friendship and we are just left wondering why it turned out to be like that. If the other friend is totally fine not talking to you for weeks, months, or even years, that is a red flag for me already. I have been wanting to get myself out of the equation, but i do not know where or how to start with. SOS please lol
I have been that person who would not message for years but perhaps end up missing their presence and end up texting and most of the things get back to track. Remember when you say that the other person didn't message you, that means you didn't either. So likely you both were having the same thought of ignoring each other. And that person equally remembers you as much as you do. However if you have been constantly messaging them and they are ghosting you. That's a red flag
ı actually agree on you. cause we as a close friend want them to be close too. and if that person getting away from you thats the time for you to accept and just move on because its true that youre not gonna be happy wıth that frıend. ıts always gonna be annoyıng for you. ı had a frıend like this and ı talked with her that ı am not happy wıth her anymore and just to be happy ı have to finish our friendship. so take it as a relationship and just talk to her. and dont forget ıts always you thats matter.
"Traumatizing" is a very strong word for this bordering on inappropriate. It is disappointing, sad, and sometimes can be depressing but certainly not traumatizing to realize that a friend is falling out of touch with you.
I really love your perspective on friendships. I wish I could show you the bizzare world of friendships that I experience in my fandom where we debate over whether things are "cliques" because they are intentionally exclusionary, or become exclusionary by the sheer volume of people that cannot all be accomidated
I’m in grad school - I take classes, I’m conducting a thesis, I work both as a research assistant in a lab and a teaching assistant. I NEED low maintenance friendships. Besides my responsibilities and friendships, I also have hobbies, household responsibilities, a romantic partner, my immediate and extended family, pets to take care of, a workout routine to maintain, etc. I personally cannot give my ALL to my friendships right now, I simply can’t. If my friends don’t like it, that’s their right to leave. Yet all of them stick by me, support me, and are so happy when we finally get that time to hangout or FaceTime. Real friends are not perfect. I’m not perfect, my friends aren’t perfect. Real friends have lives outside of you and it’s not personal. Maybe this doesn’t work for all people, but I love my tight circle of low maintenance friendships. Maybe this doesn’t work or resonate for others, it also might be because I’m neurodivergent, but I feel connected and at peace and that’s what matters to me.
I sometimes feel like there is no lasting friendship exist except itself 🥺. So I'm learning to be happy with myself 😇. Thanks a lot Lana for this video.
Lana, Thank you for inspiring me to write a comment here. I have been following your work for years, and I can without a doubt say I consider you a mentor of mine. I love to play your videos in the background, or have your comfort series on loop when I am stressed out, lonely, or overwhelmed. I find an immense amount of peace in your videos. The reason I am writing here is because you once again hit bull's eye with your closing statement. What this time stood out is this is how exactly I am feeling at this very moment or period of my life. The statement being: Do not assume that one day that enjoyment of solitude wont stop. English is also not my first language, so I actually had to stop here and translate word by word. I am still under the impression of it as I write this comment. I rely way too much on my solitude, but no matter how enjoyable it might be, I do experience moments of quite raw loneliness. I started uni last year, and I have been struggling with making friends, or any meaningful relationships. I always go with logic that better to be on my own than feel lonely in the presence of others. I think what you now have made me realize is that loneliness is inevitable either with friends or without them. No matter how much I enjoy my solitude, or how many friends I have, neither of the two will completely eradicate these feelings. But, yet again it will not hurt to have a few friends around. Thank you for reminding me of this. This message will echo in my head for the next few days :)
The word “friend” reminds me of “love.” They’re both umbrella terms that have been stretched to a point where they’ve lost the ability to be meaningfully descriptive. At 37 I’ve pretty much given up the idea of describing what a friend is. There are too many dilemmas involved. For example, if your friend confides in you about a financial difficulty, are you obligated to offer them help (if you have the means)? Are you really their friend if you don’t? On the flip side, would you hide your financial difficulties from a friend because you don’t want them to feel obligated to help? If you can’t confide in each other that much, are you really friends?
Excellent video. I just recently lost a friend that i was close to for over 10 years. We met through a mutual friend and found out we had a lot of things in common. We became fast friends and did a lot of training together. We both had families but managed to carve out time together. It turns out his wife had no friends, no hobbies basically nothing to occupy her free time. In the end she became extremely insecure about his and mine friendship and even tried to put conditions on our time together. I'm in my 50's and such behaviour is intolerable. So in the end he stopped making time for me and i bowed out. 10 years of solid friendship gone in an instant.
WOW! Perfect English! I would have never guessed you weren’t a native speaker! English is my native tongue, Japanese my 2nd language, and German a distant 3rd. Of all of them, I would rate English the hardest to speak.
Something in your final thoughts resonates with me. I am in that phase where I'm starting to want more meaning in friendships. Now I find myself needing to nurture my longstanding friendships because I have been in very low maintenance over the past decade. I still thrive in solitude, but I just feel like - perhaps because of a pandemic - that socializing and quality time are far in between. More than it used to be.
I've made quite the opposite experience with male/female friends: male friends for me are much more complicated, since there is always the issue of romantizizing the friendship or someone being hurt. With women (although I'm bisexual) this barely happens to me.
One odd thing I might add to this is that there are influencers like you online who make a living out of storytelling, maybe there are some ppl who can relate to that but I also consider them friends to a certain extent, obviously it's only from my pov that I get the privilege of considering you or other ppl I like and follow as friends. But they are ppl who have helped me build my character, helped me to relax to a certain degree and make more informed decisions, even if it doesn't always feel that way to you or other ppl in this industry, you help me to be more me and for that I thank you.
Your videos are always full of such insight delivered in your unique, charismatic, and calming way. Loved your valid analysis of low maintenance friendships. The fact that people think they can respond whenever they want without consideration for people’s feelings is really a total loss of etiquette, as well. And it will not serve people well in most environments. You have true star qualities 🌟
I wish I could have you in my life as my sister of best friend. You can soothe my overthinking mind. Please never stop posting, i love listening to you just talk it's idk so calming
Going through this right now.. realising that the friendships I valued highly were bad. Making new genuine friends in stockholm is such a struggle and I am seriously contemplating moving to Spain to perhaps not feel so lonely :/
I'm honestly so tired. I’ve brought up people forgetting me before and being hurt over people forgetting my bday, and instead of people wanting to do better I’m told I’m asking too much and that a message of “miss u let’s hang” every 6 months that ppl don’t reply to counts. After asking questions, checking up, sharing, etc. I’ve distanced but it’s so common now that I struggle. I know we need community and friendships so I’m trying but it’s like nothing I do matters… everything is me acting wrong. Idk. I’m prob going to delete this in a bit but I’m just sad.
Friends do judge...constructively. Looking back, the "real" friends were the ones willing to say the truth on their minds and in their hearts; the ones who just spoke pleasantries and to be "nice" were usually not that committed to the friendship. A friend will risk speaking truthfully and honestly even if it might end the friendship, because what is a friendship without authenticity. That's not to say be a jerk, but to be free to be yourself. One a side note, mindfulness helps with loneliness and anxiety, books like 30 Days to Reduce Anxiety by Harper Daniels have been a nice relief.
I couldn’t even tell you weren’t a native English speaker. Quite impressive! I’ve started learning a new language, and I can tell how much time and dedication it takes.
I read a comment somewhere which said that even those who don’t have any friends still dont want to be friends with others who don’t have friends and I couldn’t agree more with that statement because as someone who has been dealing with loneliness I have attended support groups and community meetups for those looking to make new friends but still I found it difficult to connect with anyone and it seemed like people were either struggling with social anxiety like myself or they would rather seek friendships with people who do have a lot of friends so they can be part of their circle.
I found life has been the opposite for me. I was too busy in my school years to spend a lot of time with friends. Due to my learning disability, evenings and days off were filled with homework and studying. Once I got out of high school, I felt I had more time to hang out with friends on my days off from work, only for my friends to be too busy with work and university. Once university was over, they were busy with family. There was never that right time in life for me and my friends to both have time to visit.
I hear you and I agree that modern low-maintenance friendship isn't good enough. I think we could all benefit from closer friendships and some accountability to each other. But genuinely, work, errands, family, my own need for alone time, spending time with my partner - all of it takes time away from hanging out with friends and doing nothing together. Particularly as I get older. Texting is another task to tackle and people are becoming more and more within their own circle. Planning an evening out with a group is a nightmare and leads to disappointment a lot of the time. How do we make steps to get better?
Low maintanence friendship with healthy attachment and dynamic is much better than high maintanence friendship with unchecked toxicity. Some people with unhealthy attachment and unchecked separation anxiety will hang around for not the best reason and that should not be confused with true friendship. They could be together 24/7 but in a less than healthy dynamic with each other.
Hi Lana! Been an old subscriber but this video resonates with me strongly, especially since it hits me when friends started drifting apart and when I started questioning the few last friendships I still have. I just wanted you to know that I would love a video about female friendships. At this point in my life, in my early 20s, as a woman, I have very mixed feelings about them. In highschool I was surrounded by boys and my friends were mostly boys. After some time, I realised that they are not too relatable and, also, really immature (I think I liked the validation and attention tbh). So I started pursuing girl friends. And they were strong, in the beginning. I really liked being surrounded by girls, I left behind the pick-me era and became less interested in boys opinions. But… somehow, these relationships became very challenging… I won’t go into details, but I am really excited to see the video, if you decide to make it. Anyways, in the end, they all left. Relationships, other friends, different activities etc. And I tried keeping the friendships alive, but it was effort only from one side. So yeah, here I am, at the age of 21 with very few friends left - boys and girls. But I don’t see myself sharing the same values as them nor spend enough time with them, since they don’t have it, to form a deeper connection. I would love for you to make that video. I am also going to therapy, and I remember telling her that I want female friends. That I want to form strong bonds with some girls. And she told me that it’s very hard and most of them are very toxic, so I have to learn how to make a best friend out of me, because, especially from now on, there will be more acquaintances than friends.
I’m a first time visitor to the channel and I enjoyed the video as a whole, but I particularly wanted to shout out the editing on the segment where you showed responses to your Instagram questions and they appeared in time with the music. Such a small little thing that I know takes an outsized amount of time, so I wanted you to know it doesn’t go unnoticed!
You just opened my eyes especially to the low maintenance friendship. And I feel guilty because I have that type of friendship and it's also a friendship that I do cherish because she is my best friend. Your thoughts on low maintenance friendship encouraged me to put more effort into my friendships especially with my best friends.
I think there is also a codependency friendship, a friendship of hurt. Sadly it usually feels like a mix of activity based (since you come to them to gossip, talk badly about others, show your trauma and feed to it) and absolute friendship (since trauma is accepted and actually supported it this friendship and you both want to keep it hurting for each other, but also validate the hurt of the other). The worst type. Can sometimes turn into a good one, but for that both of people need to grow up and change a lot, separately. That’s not that popular. And media supports trauma friendships a lot, since trauma is a perfect base for drama.
00:06 Reflection on different types of friendships and experiences 02:24 Misconceptions in friendships 04:37 Different types of friendships: utility, pleasure, and virtue 07:25 True friendship is based on shared virtue and takes time to build. 09:53 Past friendships hold special significance 12:32 Low maintenance friendships are often just acquaintances in disguise. 15:03 Social hesitation in expressing desire for more contact with friends 17:19 Romantic relationships bring unique commitments and challenges. 19:20 Friendships evolve into active, dormant, or commemorative categories. 21:18 Recognize and address social anxiety to avoid missing out on opportunities 23:26 Changes in friendships may lead to loneliness
So much food for thought here and your videos have such mesmerising beauty and depth Lana. Friendship for me can be challenging because I have 6 chronic illnesses so I find it impossible to keep up with texting/messages/ calls so I constantly feel like I'm not enough for people. Thankfully I have a small handful of souls that truly adore me and who I cherish beyond words too. There are then SO many people I WISH I could give more to but there is this surrender in me that I cannot do more with the current body I have. Would love more videos on modern friendships Lana lots of love to you all ❤xoxo
This video is soooo important for people to watch, especially during a time where people don't seem to care about each other as much as they used to. Nowdays how good you look on a resume is far more important than the kind of person you are. Main character syndrome is SO real in our materialistic self-centered culture and it's negatively affecting relationships and our social skills. I really hope that things can change.
I'm in this weird state of mind right now where I keep trying to deny the high likelihood that I have social anxiety. Despite having the same symptoms and experiences that define social anxiety, and despite historically (and currently) struggling to form genuine bonds with people because of it, I'm afraid of letting it completely take over my identity. I fear going to therapy and getting "confirmation" via a diagnosis, even though I know therapy ultimately helps. Anyway, I just think this video was a bit of an eye-opener. I'm currently 20, and it feels like I should be at an age where I'm forming my opinions on the various types of friendships and bonds one can have with others, and learning from different situations, but because of social anxiety, I'm not even getting exposed to these things to begin with. It feels as if I'm an empty shell of a human who's yet to experience anything of life. That's the loneliest part of all this, I think.
Now that I think about feeling unsatisfied with this term of low maintenance friendships or any relationship, at those moments I used to think that maybe it is just me pondering over them. As I heard you speaking about the same and showing your point of view, I felt relieved i would not lie, since effort really matters. Even for the smallest of things.
One who has that Selflessness, empathy towards you is, the one. I rarely seen such people. I even can't vouch if I can be that person but that's what i have seeked for. I felt it what you would have felt knowing reality of Saly's friendship bond. True friend is the one who protects you behind the back. True friendship is like home where you can do, say anything without thinking what would others think
I'm a 25 year old guy, and friendships have been pretty sparse throughout my life. At this point, I only have maybe one friend who I've known since I was 10. A lifelong brother, but even this friendship is quite dormant these days. I was closed off from friendships as a teen due to depression from family issues. Everything else resembling a friendship fizzled out into nothing. I'm still waiting for the elusive "true friendship" or one that can last, but at this point, I'm convinced it doesn't exist anymore. As an introvert, it's tough for me to always be the one initializing and making an effort in every single friendship, but that's what every friendship demands of me, because nowadays everyone is all take and no give. People just aren't worth my effort anymore until I see someone actually trying to be my friend. The 'low-maintenance' section hit the nail on the head. People only care about their 'main character' journey.
As I get older I feel like I make better connections than when I was older. I feel like I can trust people more now rather than talking to someone just because we watch the same tv show
I'm 18, in my first year of University. This video has made me think so much about the kinds of friendships I've created in the past 6 months, all you say makes soo much sense. Thankyou so much for the video, and yesss please make one specifically on female friendshippsss!!!
I've been lucky to call many of my friends "brother" and "sister" over the years, because we went through hard things together and leaned on each other. It's all about balance, keeping the "love tank" full enough each party can withdraw when they need it, but putting enough back that the balance doesn't become uneven. But self awareness is the BIGGEST part of this: if you can't reflect on your own life and have a mature relationship with yourself where you check yourself, but also have confidence in yourself, you won't be able to maintain a good friendship, because friendship is having the maturity to understand what you need, and through that experience having the wisdom to figure out what your friend needs, and making sure that relationship works for both of you.
I never really had stable friend growing up, i was alienated because i didn't fit into the culture that was around me. Plus problems at home also contributed to the problem. I tried getting friends at work but its a mess, i advise to never make friends with your coworkers. Right now, i managed to find some friends online so it helps a little. Trying to broaden my horizons, so I'm willing to meet more new people if anyone wants a friend.
