The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE (REACTION) 

Everything in this story has been confirmed. The only thing he did was downplay his Russian speaking skills and left out his friend who did the same thing with him. Also he was the inspiration behind Van Wilder.

There is actual proof that this story is pretty much 100% true

HERES THE THING. this story IS TRUE. and the crazy thing is he said the police were worse than the gangsters..

the comedic timing of him pausing and saying he thought the minor joke was going elsewhere as bert proceeded to go that direction has me dying

The movie National Lampoons Van Wilder is really based upon him at college. Ryan Reynolds played him in the movie. his classmates have corroborated his story they even posted pictures of him with the gangsters.

Bert Kreischer's "I fought a bear" bit is hilarious.

Bert kreischer “flying dildos”. A comedy central special. I was crying, it was so funny. I highly recommend. Soooo many potentially offensive jokes if you aren’t ready for it, it can ruffle your feather in the wrong way. But it was amazing. Love your comedy reactions. I hope you keep em coming. Shayne smith is also brilliant. And if you haven’t seen “team america”, i highly recommend a reaction to that masterpiece.

Andrew Schulz: What if Serial Killers went after Men? Trust me bro 👍

Yes, He sold the rights to his college story and that script eventually became Van Wilder. So it is based on him, technically.

The movie national lampoon Van wilder is heavily based on Berts college years, there was an actual article that was published about his college life

2014 I was a Staff Sergeant (E5) in the US Air Force, stationed at Osan Air Base South Korea. Several friends and I were on a 4 month deployment there, it was basically a vacation as far as deployments go. Everyday we did easy work, then got drunk. Everyday. Started with the typical weekends and “Thirsty Thursdays”, then we added “Wobbly Wrdneaday”, “Tipsy Tuesday” 😂 The last weekend we decided to go to Seoul for one last big party night. I decided I had $500 to blow on booze. Now keep in mind, you could get blackout drunk in Korea for about $15-20. First bar, first 30 minutes of the nights I had 3 Irish Car Bombs and a Long Island. I won’t bore you with the details of every bar and drink but let’s just say we hit several and I had a couple at each. We land at this place called Cocoon where I proceed to have bottomless vodka tonics. At some point I vanished for about an hour that I can’t account for. I to head back to our hostel about midnight because curfew for military personnel was 1am. Serious shit if off base and outside a “dwelling” past curfew. Before I left my buddies asked if I knew the way back and I assured them I did. Immediately went the wrong way. Now this district of Seoul, every fucking block looks the same. Every corner has a Starbucks and across the way is a Paris Baguette, down the way is a Taco Bell, etc. They’re copied and pasted all over, along with a bunch of other shops and shit that I couldn’t read. Everywhere I turned basically looked the same. I stopped for Taco Bell (all the fats pod chains are incredible Korea) so I could eat while I wandered around looking for my way back to something familiar. Everyone I asked for directions didn’t speak English, which is fair. I’d wandered about 3 hours now, still carrying my bag of Taco Bell I’d yet to touch. I’d tripped over a funky brick in the sidewalk and twisted one of my wrists. It’s well past curfew. At this point I’m looking for the most comfortable looking alley I can curl up in to sleep for a few hours because I was more tired than anything. I turn the corner and I see one of my friend, also wandering lost looking for his way back to the hostel 😂. Luckily, he knew his way back to where our other friends were who were still partying at another bar. One of them led us back and I passed out in bed with my shoes on and my bag of Taco Bell still uneaten in my hand 😂😂😂 When we gathered to head home in the morning I checked my wallet and had spent about $400 on a handful of $5-10 cover charges and drinks averaging $5-10 a pop. I don’t remember most of that night but I’ll never forget it either.

Dave Chappelle "3 AM in the ghetto"

"Your teacher thought it was cool to have Russian gangsters be your chaperones" That was less by choice, or "thinking it was cool", and more by necessity, so they wouldn't get targeted by the gangsters instead. That's why they had different gangsters at different points of the trip, because there were different gangs controlling each area. It wasn't chaperones, it was "shame if something happened to you" mob protection.

The English teacher clearly violated some part of the school's agreement with the mobsters when she tried to stop them from having fun with The Machine. I'm halfway convinced that they would not have robbed the train if she hadn't tried to punish Bert for what he was doing. Also, because of the size of Moscow, it would starve without the train. The mafia in charge of transportation was the most powerful one. I don't think the teacher understood logistics.

Kreischer had the Rich Eisen crew drinking on live TV at Super Bowl LVIII. They were hilarious

I heard Bert said that partying with the cops was crazier than partying with the mob because the mob could do almost anything, the cops could do *anything*.

He actually didn't intend to tell them he was The Machine. He was trying to say "I'm the man." The statements are very similar in Russian, and he fucked it up.

Another dude that's got amazing stories and storytelling skills is Ali Siddiq. His best stories are from his time in prison, "Prison Riot" and "Mitchell".

I’ve been waitin on this one

bro this skit never gets old

This story is almost 100% true

yesss i been requesting this for multiple vids. love this story

He was such the life of the party that Rolling Stone did an article about him with a two page photo spread. You get even more details of this story from his appearances on podcasts and stuff, he shared some great details on the Pat McAfee Show a while back. The Machine as a movie was pretty much what you'd expect... I enjoy Bert's comedy, so I loved it.

The closest to a "wild" international story I have is when I got arrested for having a seizure while ordering a sandwich in a Blimpie's on the US-Mexico border. For those unaware, there are two types of seizures. Most are familiar with the "grand mal" seizures, where your body drops and you convulse on the floor. It happens because your entire brain is being affected, including the part that controls motor function. The other type "petite mal", is where it attacks only a section of said mind, which also leaves you looking like you're drugged out of your mind. This happened near the border, so the cashier assumed I was on drugs and planning to rob the place, so she ran into the back and called the cops. By the time I regained control of my mind, I was in the middle of being pinned down by cops while being arrested for supposed "armed robbery", "resisting arrest" and being "under the influence" despite the fact that I didn't have a weapon nor was I on drugs.

going to make this short. spent a week in Berlin with my highschool german class (from Norway) next to "checkpoint charlie" and the building next to the hostel was the NORTH KOREAN EMBASSY. I thought is was abandoned, they never had any lights on. no one came or left, but on the 4th day of our stay some old man was outside sweeping the driveway with a straw broom. my left nut to see how he lived without us seeing signs of life in that building at all for 3.5 full days!

🙌🏽🤟🏽WELL THAT WAS A TRIP YOU CAN'T FORGET🙌🏽🤣🙌🏽👏🏼🙌🏽👍🏽🙌🏽🙏🏼🙌🏽🌟🙌🏽♾️

It's still amazed me that they made a movie about this.

"No Diddy" Hahahaha - I have a new phrase now.

Crazy story - coming home from a Russian study abroad, our friend went missing in a German airport, started an INTERPOL missing person search, and half a day later find out she got on the wrong plane and ended up in Newark NJ

Ok so I’ve never left the country myself, but when I was in high school I took German, and I remembered this story from when my teacher was advertising the trip to Germany (every 2 years). So she was going over the rules, which included an anecdote from her. So years before she spoke to us about it, she had taken a class on this trip. And in Germany, their legal drinking age is 16. So this one boy snuck off from the group and found this almost festival (maybe Oktoberfest??) and started buying and drinking beers. However, German beers tend to have a higher alcohol content than American beers so he overestimated how much he could handle and got alcohol poisoning. My teacher was called, she rode with him in the ambulance, and the whole time she was absolutely LIVID. Once the kid was stabilized she had him call his parents and explain to them why they needed to fly all the way to Germany to come get him and take him home. I don’t know what disciplinary things might have happened with the school or not, but my teacher said that if any one of us decided to be clever and try to drink alcohol while there, she would personally kick our asses. I miss her classes lmao

A quick search and you can find a few pictures of him with the "gangsters" and of him and the police.

Went to a heavy metal bar/club in Bengaluru(Bangalore) India, called Purple Haze. It was awesome!!

So happy you made a Comedy reaction channel i need some more laughs in my life

Bert Kreisher vs Tom Segura dance battle is legendary

I think the reason he was able to learn and understand Russian while in the mafia vs not being able to while in class was because while he was hanging with the mafia he was immersed in the language all day every day, compared to the half hour to hour he spent not paying attention in class.

You have a tendency to pause right before the punchline hits. By the time you restart, the joke is sort of deflated to the point where it can't be recovered. With a little more patients might have gotten a dab of humor out of this bit.

If you’re into longer stories like this check out Randy Feltface, specifically the bookshelf story. Randy’s great but the bookshelf is a good intro to his vibe.

Dont know how crazy this one is, but I can imagine what it looked like and it makes me laugh. Me and some friends got so drunk in Thailand that the only way for us to make it back to our hotel was to hold onto each others shoulders and walk in a line. Imagine when young kids hold onto the backpacks on field trips and that was us down the streets of Thailand. Great times.

2 bears.... Hitler's teacup! I cried laughing!

Scru you have the best comedy reactions lol. Keep it up!

"i'm just invested in the story" you are fuckin right my man

Bert getting coffee is a great one

Randy buys a bookshelf. It is hilarious!

I saw him live in Buffalo a few years ago and he added in that one of the friends he robbed commented on a Facebook post about this and confirmed everything

I once was on a train in northern poland without anyone who spoke the language, dragging a bag with wheels up the very narrow aisle of the moving train, and was passing the head of train security who looked ready for action. Suddenly i slipped, got my bag caught on his boot, and fell quickly towards an old lady so i grabbed for him as a natural reaction when you grab for anything as you're falling, and got a hold of something, pulled at it, it kinda wiggled then i let go, made strange eye contact with him becasue i really didn't see what it was, and kept falling towards the lady. It was his gun, locked in a holster, and he looked at me like excuse me slash that was slick buddy, then i let go. it was 2 seconds i'll never forget. I ended up just missing falling on the lady, caught my balance with my elbow, untangled my bag, said sorry sorry sorry please sorry oops my bad and kept going. made it out alive. the pick pocket videos i've seen remind me of that moment but i just tripped for real.

Yo that “upper decker” comment made me laugh so hard!!!!!!

You pausing right before the minor punchline was hilarious

Definitely need to watch Bert's "Flying Dildos"....THAT'S a hilarious one :)

My only international story is finding out I was swimming with a bunch of barracuda in Mexico. Gave my rental gear back to the dude I was swimming with and I was done.

16:31 and I’ll tell you Joe Roger feels the same way lmao. They’re friends and talk crap constantly, but Joe said once on his podcast he was gonna whip Bert because Bert thought he could fight equally with Joe. It’s hilarious to hear them talk about eachother.

I was once arrested at 2pm, 18 yrs old and drunk AF on Absinth. I don't remember anything until the morning after, but I later found out I was sitting by a smashed window with a bloody hand when two cops showed up and took me to the slammer over night. Next morning I was questionned and I claimed to have been lost and that I must have hit the window in frustration smashing it by accident. They charged me with attempted break in and gave me a court date. Before I was released they gave me my belongings back. I was handed my wallet and belt, phone, cigarettes.... AND A GOLDEN KNITTED SWEATER I had never seen before.... My head was spinning; where did I get it from? Why was the cop handing it to me? was he tricking me? -I just accepted it like I didn't really pay attention to it and tucked it under my armpit and walked away. A few weeks later I was in court. Pleaded my innocence in case of burglary but pleaded guilty of braking the window. I got a 150$ fine for vandalism and was sent home. BUT... I never found out where I got the sweater from, but like now I have told this story several times at parties during the years since: And one day a guy I hadn't seen for maybe a decade suddently proclaimed that he remembered that night and he was there with his gf. She had lost her favourite golden sweater and had given him alot of grief about it. -Whats crazy is that I kept the sweater at home all those years, so a few weeks later we managed to return and surprise har with it! :D :D All I can say is that I have done alot of dumb shit. But atleast I didn't steal a sweater anymore! :D -Oh, And I can stop laughing about the cops arresting me wearing a girls golden knitted sweater outside a smashed window! What a sight! LOL

16:52 I remember a guy lost his gold fish at a house party. They found it dead in with a shit in the toilet cistern 😭

Im a duel citizen of Australia & N.Ireland (where I was born) I was arrested and held under terrorist charges for 2 weeks as my father & I share the same name. Hes former IRA & they grabbed me due to my name and held me for 2 weeks because I refused to talk to them and couldn't work outvthe difference between a 55yr old man & a 23 yr old man. 3yrs later & 1.7mill in my bank account for legally carrying a concealed firearm due to my fathers past, I bought info on the cops & sold it to the IRA for twice the price they found out and searched under their cars everday for months. It was a brilliantly fun game. I done 10yrs in Aus for offing a paedo. 2 weeks lol ill do that just to avoid the wife n kids for a while.

The thing about Bert calling himself "the Machine" is... it was accidental... the word for "machine" and the word for "macho" as in "badass"...are almost identical.... its like the spanish for "impressed" vs "pregnant".

There are students that were on this trip that corroborated the story. Years later. And the van wilder thing is also true. Bert was the original Giga Chad.😂

You haven’t lived until you’ve upper deckered the toilet upstairs

gabriel Iglesias "fluffy goes to India" is so hilarious

You need to watch Robin Williams on GOLF from his special Live on Broadway

The awesome thing is, he said the partying with the cops was crazier than the gangsters 💀

My only international adventure was as a young adult, i went with my Pathfinder Group (Boy&Girl Scouts for the Adventists), and rode 50 miles on my bike with them on Vancouver Island BC.

Hahahahah the good old upper decker, takes me back to being in high school haha great video man

Definitely react to Bert’s first period party it’s hysterical.

He gets me when he starts laughing at himself and tries to talk. 😂

We left the nerdcore era due to beef. Now we're in the stand up era which will inevitably end up with some type of beef.

Randy feltface- bookshelf off Gumtree

Yes! That's exactly it!

The story that made him famous and lead to Van Wilder was the '97 article in Rolling Stone about him being the top partier at the number one party college in the nation. It is titled, "Bert Kreischer: The Undergraduate". Aso, participating in a live sex show at the Casa Rosso in Amsterdam was a wild ass time.

I was arrested for accidentally going to Canada. I was fishing and only had my fishing gear and weed😂

Classmates of his actually came out to confirm this story 😅

This story was pretty much peak of his career

He is funny asf live!!!

Yeah man, I have a crazy story! I was interrogated by the Israeli military when I was 15! Back when I was a teen, I talked my parents into letting me go on a Biblical tour of ancient biblical sites. No one else in my family went, but I was with a big group from our church, so they let me go. We had 2 tour busses that took our group around, and one day we were traveling from Egypt into Israel. I woke up late that morning, and the bus with all the other teenagers was full, so I had to ride with all the senior citizens. When we got to the border, the military stopped each bus for an inspection. Apparently I looked out of place, so they had me get off the bus and grilled me (probably just for a couple mins, but it felt like forever) about why I was traveling into Israel, why I wasn't with any family, how long I was staying, etc lol. It's not the craziest story with the details, but it's fun to just say I was interrogated by the Israeli military lol

I was just detained and deported from Thailand last week after living there for the last 10 years😬 It was quite the experience haha. I had a shop out there that is a "chillin with snoop" kinda place🍃🌬

Yes!!! Black out drunk wandering in Australia while on a detachment for the Navy. Crazy wild night!!!

I don't have international stories of my own that are too crazy. My Scout troop used to take a canoe trip on the Rio Grande every year in Big Bend National Park. On the right is Mexico. One the left is the United States. When we stop for a break, we don't really think about which country it is. We're looking for a place we can get the boats out of the water and where it's not too muddy. If it's cold, we want to stop on the sunny side. If it's hot, we stop on the shady side. But at least once on each trip, we would stop on the Mexico side and swim across to the US side, just to say we did it. (You had to hunt for a spot deep enough to swim. Most of it was only about knee deep.) So I HAVE swam across the border from Mexico to the US, not once, but several times. And I have witnesses.

I have a few safe for work stories about situations that happened at NSFW locations and activities. I have not been outside the country yet.

He had a story written about his legendary partying in rolling stone magazine…..that’s where the van wilder story came from, that article. But this story is what caused his comedy career to pop off.

An upper decker is crazy scru 😭😭

Alright, so a few years ago I went on a cruise with my family and at one stop in Mexico were at the beach, and i ordered 4 Jack and cokes. I drank then walked up and down a few of the shops. Most of them had free tequila samples, long story short, I passed out, face down in the ocean... my wife had to carry me back to the ship about a mile and a half away.. with a baby in a stroller. 😅

Bert is totally a dude that would pull off a double decker!

Been waiting for it; Recommended it too; We're in for a good one~

Berts Daughter Has Period Party is friggin hilarious too. Luv ya channel, cheers from Oz

I threw a graduation party for my friends to come out back behind my house and get some trucks in the mudhole and have a bonfire, it turned into a rager and the cops got called. every single drunk person that had to drive way from the party getting shut down was allowed to leave. But me and my buddy who lives next door. the only two people at the party that didn't have to drive, where the only two that got arrested. it was BS. lol

I got one hell of a crazy one. 100% true as far as my grandma and great grandma told me. They wee in Ireland my great grandmas husband "Doug McFadden" was all over. When they were in Dublin they got mugged, a 65 and 85 year old women. The mugger saw there passports returned every thing and apologized.

Is there some way that I can still watch your DBZ:A reactions? No joke my favorite show, and you're one of the best reactors for funny stuff.

I have crazy stories but not out of the Country. Only been to the Bahamas and craziest thing that happened then was hair braided lol but I wasn't old enough to party then

I actually do have a story. I was backpacking around Europe around the same time Bert was in Russia and I and an Aussie named George got chased by an Italian constable through the bushes surrounding a vineyard for several hours. We were running because we didn't want to get tagged with the Irish dumbass we were traveling with's hashish charge. I realize I am leaving out numerous details.

They made a movie about this not to long ago idk why but 😂😂

This is Bert at his best

If you want a crazy travel story ralphie may has a great one involving customs agents.

His story about meeting Will Smith is really wild.. should definitely check that out.

I was definitely a Bert in high school

I think the US should make it mandatory for all students from 1st-12th grade to take a foreign language, and once fluent enough , take a different language til they graduate -its a great skill to put on a resumé

Burt Kreisher bungee jumping in either New Zealand or Australia, can't remember which

Lee Mack almost has John Cleese in tears - Graham Norton Show

I wouldn’t consider this wild, but more so just weird. Im from California and spent 6 months in Birmingham, UK. I was out clubbing with some friends up until about 2:30 in the morning. My feet are killing me. Im exhausted and borderline drunk, this random guy comes up to me and offers me cocaine. I told him no thanks. He kept saying something like “but you look f*cked up. This will help you” and i kept telling him no. He eventually left me alone. But then about 45 seconds later, that same guy and a friend of his did the SAME thing and again, i refused until they eventually left me alone TLDR: i got offered cocaine twice by the same person within a minute or less.

Crazy international story: In 2017 I went to Japan and walked down the wrong alleyway in a large city, finding myself suddenly surrounded by three young men who thought I was a prostitute. Keep in mind I was 33 years old, 5'6ft and 72kgs (athletic, muscular, not fat but definitely not skinny) and I was very aware of the dress code expectations so I was not wearing anything promiscuous, just jean shorts and a black sleeveless top. I am admittedly 'large busted' however, which I found out later in the same trip was the reason I was getting so much creepy attention from some random men, but these three even dropped a handful of yen down the front of my shirt and then tried to reach in to get it. I suspect they might have been kyodai or 'little brothers' because after I untangled myself from them and got away I was unsubtlely followed back to my motel room by a guy in a stereotypical black suit, Yakuza type guy. All of that being said, I do not want to paint the picture that everyone over there was a pervert etc. I loved my time in Japan and miss it a lot.

Van Wilder is based off his life story a FSU btw.

Bert has a nice Snoop Dogg story and he worked with him

And im the guy who shows up to the party with the party and leaves first. Homies 18th birthday i showed up for the pre party with an OZ and two 30racks of cheap beer. As per usual i got f’d up before everyone and left early. The next day…. I went outside to smoke a cig and my other homie walked out with me. He asked for a lighter first and i reached into my pocket…. Then my other pockets. My friend then yelled “BRO WE ARE SET FOR LIGHTERS FOR A YEAR!” Im add. I learned to always put my lighter in my pocket. I cleared the whole party of lighters. B-day boy even said a few people ran to the store for a lighter…..