The manipulation of Emily Gilmore | season one 

THANKYOU. To me, she's such a clear example of an abusive mother. She constantly talks down to Lorelai like a child, manipulates her, criticises, mocks and controls her. Even the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. And anytime Lorelai tries to voice her own wants, needs, boundaries or expresses any of this, her mother just mocks her. It's like Emily was always acting like she was in competition with her own daughter, and it really is very sad when Lorelai just wanted her mother's love. I can really relate heavily to that feeling. Edit: I also really loved your thoughts on cancel culture. I really agree.

Richard only defended her from Christopher's parents when it became an attack on himself and not the fact that they were outwardly + consistently insulting their daughter. After the fight when Lorelei talked to her dad, he was so rude to her. They really underestimate how much Lorelei has done. She moved out so young, had a child despite how poorly everyone was treating her for being pregnant, got her own house, runs a nice hotel. While Christopher, who her parents endlessly praise, comes to Lorelei because he's broke and somehow that's Lorelei's fault?

Kelly Bishop has said that she's always amazed when people tell her how much they love Emily, because Emily is "horrible". 😊 I'm always amazed that Emily and Richard continuously praise Rory and never see (at least until the last episode) that Lorelei is the one who raised her. Great video, as always!

When she tried to break up Lorelai and Luke in season five by using Christopher to come between them, that was the worst thing she ever did!

Personally, Emily’s most awful example of toxicity was when she broke up Luke and Lorelai and did not understand why Lorelai was upset about it. Even when she went back and told Luke she’d “stay out of it” and they got back together, she thought she was the one who “saved” their relationship. Insane.

I think Lorelei should get tons of credit for leaving at 16. She made a decision to remove herself, a child, and her daughter, another child, from an unsafe place. She did something a lot of adults are unable to do. Also, I think it is interesting that that event is the main sticking point in a lot of the problems in her relationship with her parents. They can’t forgive Lorelei for the event in which she was a much better parent to Rory than they ever were to her. I think that says a lot.

Even though Emily is toxic, I don’t think enough people talk about Richard, which you did touch on but I need a whole video. I, personally, despise that misogynistic, demanding, apathetic man-child.

Thank you! The way people criticize Lorelai for her irrational behavior around her parents, especially Emily, frustrates me to no end. One of the worst instances of her financial abuse to me was when Rory approached Emily regarding the termites incident. Fans blame Lorelai for letting her pride get in the way of asking for money, but in the end Lorelai was right when it came to this being another thing Emily will use to manipulate her. When she asked her straightforward what the price for the helping with the loan would be, Emily acted hurt and angry till Lorelai apologized. And then she set up DAR meetings at the inn knowing Lorelai couldn't say no now. Basically gaslighting Lorelai into apologizing when she correctly identifies manipulation, and then using both the money and the apology as a way to invade the boundaries Lorelai has set for them. I love Kelly Bishop and even empathize with Emily, but Emily is a terrible mother.

I love Emily because of Kelly Bishop’s portrayal of her and the way she can show those moments of duality when you see she wants things to be different between her and Loreali but can’t breakaway from what she has always done and ultimately doubles down

The toxic mom of the year. Her pretending she didn't know why Lorelei needed to escape her constant criticism. If your daughter would rather live in a shed than be in an mansion with you that says a lot.

I was so shocked when I learned some people don’t see Emily as a toxic mother. Like I thought it was clear as day that her character was created to be toxic and manipulative, to me it was like common sense?? If you genuinely believe Emily is a good mom and doesn’t display narcissistic qualities than you either have a narcissist in your life and refuse to accept that (so therefore you see their toxic behaviour as normal) or *you are* the narcissist. I think it boils down to that.

Richard's mom probably inflicted a lot of generational trauma, in season 1 when we finally meet her, Emily acts the same avoidant way Lorelei does to Emily, and Richard's mom praises Lorelei for being self sufficient but ignores Emily and treats her like not good enough for Richard. It seems Emily competes with Lorelei because she needs unconsciously for have the approval of Richard's mom that Lorelei is successful because of Emily's parenting, not just Richard's genes. She repeatedly made comments that indicates that any reason Lorelai is self sufficient is because of Richard's side of the family, not Emily's good parenting. The effects of that show up in the show hard.

I feel so bad for lorelai for always being despised, and left out by her parents. She has never had anyone to lean on either, because Richard didn't know how to show his emotions in a healthy way. That was a huge house, but it wasn't a home.

another thing worth mentioning about how Lorelai acts childish, going through trauma can have an effect on the brain similar to drugs where you kinda get stuck in that age. and especially since she was forced to grow up so quickly, her brain is more like a child because this is her only outlet to be a child

Yesss! It's always been so frustrating to me when people are like "yeah Emily was toxic in some ways, but Lorelai was hard to deal with, and just leaving the house without saying anything was mean/immature!" Like... Lorelai was literally a CHILD when she left. Acting as if she shares the blame with Emily for how their relationship turned out completely ignores the fact that *Emily is the one responsible for the way Lorelai behaves!*

The way I see sooo many people saying “Emily did nothing wrong” is SO aggravating bc it’s like did you even watch the show? Seriously. Thank you!

Emily is histrionic and probably narcissistic/borderline (hard to tell, I can see traits of both). My favorite episode to understand Emily's psyche is the one she visits Stars Hallow and she's in a great mood, bonding and all, up to the moment Rory shows her the shed Lorelei run away to. Then the guilt hits her like a truck and she flips. In cluster B personality disorders people really struggle with black and white thinking and accepting that something or someone can have good and bad traits. That's why they tend to split the negative and positive and project it to other people, where they can safely devalue (or idealize in the case of good) it and not deal with difficult emotions of shame that come up (in opposition to the healthy guilt that is NOT the same as shame, because shame is "I AM bad" and guilt is "I DID bad"). Since they don't have a healthy guilt, that allows us to address our mistakes in constructive manner, they have to work around it and that's why they will pick a scapegoat and a golden child. In GG Lorelei is Emily's scapegoat, and Rory is for the most of the series (except the part she stayed with her grandparents and started to disobey Emily, on which point we hear "you're just like your mother" = devaluation) a golden child, everything that Lorelei was supposed to become, all the hopes and dreams Emily had for her daughter. I'm sad that she never got proper therapy, it seems like Emily treated Lorelei exactly like she was being treated by Richard's mother and I wonder how things were in her family of origin. I love the character Emily Gilmore, don't get me wrong, she would be a nightmare of a person, but I think the writers really captured the dynamics of relationships with cluster B people, showing the damage it can do while still giving us a glimpse of what is going on inside their heads, why they are how they are. I also like how those ugly traits migrated to both Lorelei and Rory, even though it made them less likable (the best example is how much people dislike who Rory became - those are the consequences of being idealized, not pretty).

I’m a psych grad student and you KNOCKED this video out of the park! Come on references and receipts! I’ve watched majority of your content (especially Gilmore), but this has been my favorite so far. I hope this becomes a series, and I’m so proud of you for making this video. Emily is a textbook example of a toxic narcissistic Mother, and you made so many great points, and had credible sources to back them up. I look forward to all your videos, and I love the new mic❤.

My god, I am so sick of people putting Lorelai down for "being ungrateful" and for calling her spoilt because she ran away! Emily is an overly critical, narcissistic, abusive, cold monster and Lorelai leaving is probably the best thing that could have happened for her. I can't stand watching any scene with the abusive Emily and the enabling Richard, they make me so angry!

I love this. I can not believe when I see people online saying that Lorelai does not appreciate her mother or that she is ungrateful which is insane to me how they do not see that Emily is not a good mother and there is a reason a 16 yo decided to live anywhere else than with her rich parents.

gilmore girls was the show that made me realize how toxic and abusive my mom is, and for that i'll be always grateful. it's truly a relief videos like this from people who have been trought abuse cause sometimes makes you think you're crazy when you open up about all that. thank you for this video.

FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT. You explained it so well! I've always thought Emily was SO toxic especially on rewatches, but the fandom and honestly the show itself doesn't really get that. I think the problem in the show isn't that Emily is a bad person but that she never realizes in the entirety of the 7 seasons and instead Lorelai is often treated like the problem and like she's over dramatic. She's meant to bend to Emily's will and constantly be the peacemaker while Emily remains blind to her faults. It infuriated me more with every season.

THANK YOU. I am astounded by the number of fans who love Emily and see Lorelai as a brat. Lorelai isn't always perfect in her relationship with her mother, but to me, who grew up with parents Emily is reminiscent of, I always acutely aware of everything you pointed out here. Emily is hypercritical, controlling, and disrespectful toward Lorelai and to a lesser extent Rory, and she has no respect for boundaries with either of them. Emily is the kind of mother you have to make the tough decision to cut contact with, and I'm kind of horrified by how many people see her behavior toward Lorelai as being normal or owed tolerance.

I love your Gilmore girls videos!! It would be so great if you could talk about Emily’s strange relationship with Richard’s mother and how it was the show’s way of showcasing Emily’s very big insecurities.

i saw a lot of my grandmother in emily..... emily is abusive and manipulative as hell and people can't say she's not after watching this 💀 Lorelei was innocent in this and you can't blame her for leaving.

Can we also acknowledged that Rory got mad at her mom when she tried to pay back her parents for Chilton when she said she always would, and when Rory said "Well clearly they didn't WANT the money back." Lorelei claps back Rory by saying "Rory what would you have me do? Take a shot?" And Rory says "I don't know" It really does piss me off, because even Rory didn't even have a response to that and tried to play it like she was above Lorelei by taking the high road with the money.

great video!! while i think it’s important to examine nuances of emily’s character like others have, i don’t think many have taken a deep dive of the emotional abuse that lorelai had to go through. like you said, she would have rather been poor and live in a shed at the inn than to spend another day living with the gilmores. i loved that you used outside sources to show the abusive dynamic and i think this video is very important to examining gilmore girls 🥰

This video made me tear up as a daughter who is currently still living with a toxic mom. Thank you so much. It helps feel understood sometimes.

What I always find especially frustrating is that sometimes Lorelai will be taken aback by something but almost immediately apologize and go out of her way to try to be kind but Emily can almost never take the apology and always keeps demeaning her. Also, I saw someone on TikTok a while ago basically argue that Emily and Richard weren’t all that bad and that Lorelai was just an out-of-control problem child and… while I don’t intend any disrespect toward that person, I was deeply upset by that video because that’s the exact logic that many parents will use to justify their abuse.

I would also like to add: I just finished episode 9, the ending where emily is projecting rory's situation with rory onto lorleai and how she was a bad parent... she kept implying how rory would end up like her.... like why would you imply that type of thought onto your grandchild?

You hit the nail on this video probably one of my favs so far love all the research you did never realized how abusive Emily was in many different shapes and forms makes me hate her even more lol can’t wait for the next episode!

This was an excellent analysis! I am the adult daughter of an emotionally manipulative mother and am finally choosing my peace over being a dutiful daughter. Thank you! Please do more!

I’d love to see a video connecting/comparing Trix to all of this. Trix ONLY sees Emily as competition, and Richard (again) takes the side of the more dominant abuser. However, Emily mostly accepts the roll she has in that dynamic. There’s so much but I’ll leave it to you to expand on if you so choose :)

When the first episode come out, "That's where the colors don't go." Was probably the most perfect song to choose for her and her parents relationship. You see Lorelia, in the picture all by herself and i think that has a deeper meaning. She was alone in that house. Truly had no one. The reflection of her entire family was riding on her as well. That's why the house was behind her. Also showing she couldn't nor wouldn't live up to those expectations.

This is exactly why Emily was so angry when rorys dad paid for yale. She didn't have control over rory or lorelai anymore. She had nothing to hold over their heads or against them because deep down she knows shes unlikeable and its scared of being alone.

FINALLY SOMEBODY SAID THAT!!!! I’ve never really liked Emily, for me she was always too mean and judgemental, I felt really sorry for Lorelai and still don’t understand why people hate her but love Emily

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through abuse. That's awful.

I empathized with Lorelei a lot. I'm the Lorelei, only child to parents with an extremely toxic dynamic. I'm now a failed gifted kid a year after graduation way too scared to apply to a job or talk to anyone who a job bc of how anxious I am about disappointing everyone all the time. It's so garbage. I wish there were less of us out there struggling.

Honestly, thank you so much for making this video. A lot of people touch on Emily being a toxic character but no one really breaks it down. I've been realizing lately that much of the behavior that I thought was normal growing up was not healthy, and this helps put some of those things into perspective.

So true. Some of the Emily scenes give me anxiety. Her words bite.

Also let me just say JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS "FAMILY" DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ABSUSE!!!!!! My grandma hated me so much she purposely cut me out of family pictures, I didn't shed a tear when she died. I refuse to let anyone make me feel like a bad person because a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I no longer had to deal with her toxic and abusive behavior 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for making this. Like you, I'm very tired of people defending Emily's behavior. I have a mother VERY much like Emily in the most toxic ways and it makes it honestly difficult to watch. I'm 28 and I've only just now started going to therapy with the acceptance that i was abused as a kid. I'm constantly battling feelings of severe lack of self worth, anxiety that what I'm doing is wrong with even the smallest tasks, and just backing down from any hard situation because my first instinct is that I'm wrong. Your part about the dad in the relationship also really rings true. I love my dad but because my mom has always been so competitive, I can't have a real relationship as my true self with him. And he actively defends her actions. I decided to finally go nearly NC when my mom brought up a subject I've informed her is off-limits many times but she brought it up again, I told her, as calmly as I could, why this is a bad subject for us and she just said, "Sometimes I wonder how I raised such a b***ch for a daughter. This time I insisted on an apology and didn't back down. I wanted a real apology. It took her DAYS including a call from my dad in which he said he didn't know how we could have a relationship if I'm at odds with my mom. It was a blow to hear that because I knew I wasn't in the wrong and I was just standing up for myself and my own dad decided that was enough to essentially disown me. As I've grown to accept my real situation more, it's been harder for me to watch this show because the similarities are just too obvious. Anyway, thank you for making this video for people like me who have been uncomfortable with Emily's character for years.

Thank you so much for doing this. I was raised by a very abusive mother and it is so important to have these conversations. Abuse is abuse. It's baked into our culture to accept abuse from our parents and other authority figures and not expect better. We have to break that cycle to do better.

Are you kidding me? This HAS to be a series! I will not take no for an answer. lol

GREAT video !!! I would love to see other seasons broken down this way. The Emily / Lorelai dynamic is both heartbreaking and cathartic for me as a survivor too, and I feel CRAZY trying to explain this to people lollll

I one hundred percent agree, thank you for being my voice on this!!

thank you for this!! i always wondered why their relationship dynamic struck such a chord with me and it’s because these dynamics exist so prevalently in family settings. it takes therapy and so much reflection to realize that they exist but once you do realize these patterns/dynamics it becomes much easier to know who to/not to surround yourself with and how to ensure you break the cycle.

Yes yes yes!!! 👏👏👏 Thank you so much for creating this video and for articulating (and researching!) so well the depth and intricacies of the manipulation that takes place! I think it’s such an important topic that doesn’t get discussed enough and is surrounded by so much shame and judgement, within the series but also in IRL. And this dynamic is such a potent portrayal of toxic mother-daughter relationships - in great part precisely because it’s nuanced and does not in involve “big T trauma” - we could use it to dive deeper into this subject and our own experiences. Would love a series! ✨

You're such a lovely discovery for me on RU-vid. You sound like a really good person with proper values in life, that manages to be logical and eloquent. I've been listening to your videos for about two days now, and I've enjoyed each. Hope you go far! ❤

I have a toxic mother like Emily Gilmore except my mom is emotionally and physically abusive not financially abusive. My mom would constantly criticize my appearance, call me out my name, say I was stupid, dumb, she tried to control my life, choose a career for me that I didn’t want, and she physically beat me. I decided I would never ask my mother for money. If I need something, I ask my grandmother. I did try to speak to my mom about her abusing me and trying to control me but she threw in my face that she put a roof over my head and food on the table. Another reason why I never asked her for money as an adult even when I needed it. People treated me like the bad guy when I decided to finally cut her out of my life but it doesn’t matter rather a person is family or not. I tried to watch Gilmore Girls but I couldn’t finish it because Emily Gilmore triggered me so much. If someone is abusing you and don’t respect your boundaries, you don’t need to keep them in your life.

i didn't know people didn't see Emily's obvious manipulation, i mean it's as clear as rory's reading. plus kate bishop said she used her mom's relationship with her grandma as inspiration for the role

Being up late is worth it to get to see this video so fast!

I love this video, congratulations for the way u presented your perspective, very valuable insight.

Thank you so much for this video! I've been going through my own healing journey (recently read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Patents for therapy) and this was all very affirming and enlightening through the lense of a show I grew up with 💕💕

I really like your take on this complex character!! Thank you for all your hard work. Peace and love from the middle of the US. Can’t wait for more.

i’ve been watching your youtube videos since your first gilmore girls video but i just started listening to your music and i’m obsessed 💗💗💗

I'm a big Gilmore Girls fan and new to your channel. What a brilliant analysis! The way you applied your research to the various episodes is truly fabulous. Yes, please do videos like this on each season.

I know that the whole premise of the show is to start portraying the family dynamics when Lorelai asks for help to pay for Rory's tuition, but I would arge that this was the very beginning of Rory's downfall. Of course, her lack of boundaries with Rory was also a factor, but if Rory had finished her formative years working harder for her future, with no influence of arrogant rich kids and family members, she might have grown up to be a better, hard-working person.

I’m so happy you decided to make a video about this!!! It’s very insightful and informative. I truly hope those who need to hear this the most do. I was raised in a very abusive household, in literally every way by both parents. They’re both narcissists on top of everything else. It took me 30 years to finally realize my mother, who I had held in such high regard all my life, was also abusive. I’d primarily put the blame on my father and I see now it’s because I needed to believe that in order to get by as a child, even when I was beaten or locked in closets for hours by my own biological parents. I decided to cut them both off for my own good 3 years ago and it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. That and therapy. This doesn’t mean I don’t miss my mother or think about her. It has been very difficult for me, but I remind myself what drove us here in the first place and use that to my strength. Thank you so much for your channel and your videos. They mean a lot to us, your fans.

Thanks for posting this. Emily legit gives me flashbacks to people I've known, and it's great to see someone call the character out in detail.

Yeesss please make this into a series !!

I would love this to be a series!

My grandmother used to use gifts to control me and my sister. She used to take us to the mall or Justice or any clothing store but there was always a pressure on us. If we stepped out of line even a little she would make us leave. Even showing interest in something that she didn't like would result in us leaving right then and there. She wouldn't even talk to us on the way home. It resulted in both of us being nervous to accept any gifts. It took me a long time to figure out that this was wrong.

Thank you for this video please make this a series.

Loved this video. Finally someone that understands that it is ok to be brave and stop communicating with people that are toxic and hurt you, even if these people are your parents. I come from a really toxic and complicated relationship with my mom and everytime I have a problem with her I get this ''but it's your mom'' comments and I'm sick of it! If you, person with a very difficult relationship with your parents, NO ONE has the right to judge you and tell you what to do regarding your parents. They don't get it, they're not in the same situation as you are. You are loved and I understand you

Wow, this was really well done, and you made excellent points that i had never even realized before. Loved this so much 💙

I would definitely watch this as a series

I love videos so much The way you do your videos is like I'm talking to a friend. I hope you keep up with it because your perspective intakes are really interesting

Yes, I would love a series with each season covered.

Thank you so much for all of your efforts and your hard work in the video. You literally expressed my feelings toward emily gilmore into words. Can’t believe how i didn’t discover your videos sooner. Love your content!

I relate so much my mother was a narcissist. She was a nightmare.

Great video, one of my faves by you!!! Make it a series please. I adored your use of psychology sources. The narcissistic mother stuff reminds me of the new tv show called Monarch starring Susan Sarandon

PLEASE MAKE THIS A SERIES!!!!!

Yes a series!!!

Please make this a series!

YOUR MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE RU-vidR you make such amazing points, and i have a really short attention span but i have no problem finishing your videos

Excellent video. You perfectly voiced all of the feelings I’ve always had towards Emily.

I love the intro so much. I have such a strained relationship with my mother because of what happened in my childhood (as well as her continuing toxic behavior) and so many people have the audacity to judge me EVEN when they know the extent of what she did and that she refuses to grow and change despite knowing that she has issues

Yes you should make this a series 👍💯

Loved this video

Please cover season two of Gilmore Girls! (And the rest!) I’m watching it all the way through for the first time and I love having in-depth analysis to go with it!

this was a wonderful video

thank you for this critique of Emily, I grew up in a similar situation, your observations really helped

Yes! Please make this a series! I've always thought that Emily is not only narcissistic, but also very emotionally immature. Thank you for this video!! Absolutely wonderful!!!

Great video! I didn't get very far into the show, but I remember watching season one for the first time when I was 18 and being shocked by Emily's behavior. She's great for drama, but man, I would not want her as my mother!

hi kierra! i just wanted to say that I love ur videos! I really enjoy watching them. also it’s so nice and refreshing finding people who have the same opinions ab Gilmore girls that I do:) keep it up ❤

Thank you for this 💜

Man, this video is a breakdown of my and my sister's relationship with my mother. Wow. I'm gonna have to talk to my sister about this. Thank you

I had never heard the term “financial abuse” but Oh. My. God. I needed too.

yes make it a series!

looove your videos and channel!

Okay I have to start off by saying that I love Emily as a character. There are so many layers to her and Kelly Bishop’s performance deserved every accolade imaginable. But damn this video humbled me. You hit the nail on the head again and again and again so I’m definitely seeing so many things in a new light. That said, I don’t think Emily is a lost cause (not that you implied that at all) and I always find myself rooting for her to just like…go to a good therapist. I think she has a lot of her own traumas, insecurities, and societal pressures that heavily influence everything she does. She came from a time and socioeconomic class that expected her to be a homemaker. While she’s nasty to Lorelai for not being the perfect daughter, there are also so many times where she seems to envy Lorelai’s freedom to be who she is. In 2x16 where Emily and Lorelai go out to a bar, Emily starts to let loose and have a great time and you can see that they might be able to mend their relationship but Emily remembers her role as a wife, mother, DAR member etc and snaps out of it. In the revival when she no longer has to be Mrs Richard Gilmore 24/7, it seems like she actually gets to discover herself for the first time and abandon all the rules she used to have for herself. Also I would love to know your thoughts on Richard as a parent/husband. I love his character overall, but I think Emily does a lot of his bidding for him and he’s able to benefit from so much off her manipulation while still being seen as the good guy. The way he let Trix treat Emily makes a lot of Emily’s behavior and anxiety a lot clearer to me. And yes PLEASE make this a series.

7:24 Hear me out, that’s the only right thing that’s ever came out of that woman’s mouth 💀 Bit aggressive emily but when it comes down to it, rory was too stunned to speak when she saw BASIC ingredients like fruit, veggies, and bread in lorelei’s kitchen for one episode, everything in her fridge is just leftover fast food or takeout, and rory grew up with eating fast food leftovers basically. Good job emily, you said something right for once

Before some of you come in my comments with the “I hate Lorelai” T-shirts, read through the comments. some people I can tell did not watch the entire video so 13:06 is for you :))) PT 2 IS UP BTW 💗

Thanks for this. I have always loved Emily as a character, and I like Lorelai but I used to think her reactions to things were a bit over the top. But this has definitely helped me understand things better and see their relationship in a new light. Really great content!

I loved this, i also had a (less explicitly) relationship like this with my mom and loved Lorelei for showing me it's ok and even worth it to set boundaries and work towards creating the life you want

This is emotional abuse, invalidation. and so much more, thank you for thoroughly explaining it I am glad that this channel talks about it.

i relate to lorelai so much. jsut a few months ago i was having the worst time of my lfie, a lot of it to do with my mom's lack of maturity i suppose, and i remember watching gilmore girls just to feel the comfort that lorelai was kind of in the same boat as me. she really means the world to me, and she's taught me a lot about giving up on people that only f u up.

I love that your disclaimer has an echo to it

As a(n adult) daughter who's been witnessing my mother and her mother have their own variation of a Lorelai-Emily dynamic for as long as I can remember (and I've been a part of it in my own way as well, like Rory is a part of Lorelai and Emily's dynamic), thank you so much for this video! I remember watching this show as a child and in my teens and feeling anxious at times because of how familiar these toxic family dynamics felt.