They have no interest in improving or working on themselves. They'd rather knock other people down.Yes, they're wrong about you, and it's obvious by the way that they treat you. The way they treat you doesn't even "match" the person you know YOU are. It's like they're dealing with a totally different person whenever they interact with you.
In hindsight thinking about it, yep for sure. It's already preordained in their mind as an excuse to let the rage flow. A tunnel vision of projection. While your in a one way tunnel you can't make lefts or rights. Straight through it is all you can do.
It makes sense that the one who wants to take advantage feels weak n will seek someone easy to b taken advantage of bcoz they r loving sensitive or in pain from other issues
So true, the last time we spoke I literally said to my ex, "I'm so confused, you are talking about someone I don't even know." Not like they ever heard or cared what I said, they just kept going.
There was a point in time when I flashed a mirror in his face while he was falsely accusing me of being someone I was not. He was describing himself and his own character flaws. He was not at all happy about me doing that, and ran away in a rage. A silent treatment followed for 2 weeks. And as we all know, these events are never forgotten or forgiven. He will wait until your next birthday, holiday, a death in your family, you are sick….. before they act out the ultimate punishment to get out their rage for calling them out. Nothing normal about any of that!
I laughed so hard when you said, “As soon as they take a nap or have a cookie” they change. There’s nothing funny about a narcissist, but that point you made about the three year-old’s behavior in relation to a narcissist was spot on. I had to rewind it and hear it again. So true. Great video as always. Thank you!
A narc I dated said to me “You’re so dumb that you’re cute” and he had this flirty fun look on his face. I am far from dumb and I went no contact after that.
And they know they are wrong about you; they’re just waiting to see if you take the bait. Nothing you can do will smooth things over with a narcissist, they want to be combative, they enjoy it.
It's not really a generalisation, it's an essentialization. They take an act and label you entirely, as if it's your "nature". Incapable of complex decision.
Narcissists are notorious for not changing their habits. So, it's funny when they tell you to change - and you might even change! I had one narcissist in my life who said he's a reliable person and I took his word for it. Eventually I realized he was anything but.
Yeah lol I had one calling me outrageous things that are not based on truth at all but throws a temper tantrum when I can prove everything she says is not correct but they still try to tell other people these things just to keep spreading it around. They can't even stop when proven wrong it's mind boggling
Having managers at my job who are narcissist. They Gas light tell me, and my co-worker that we don't listen so I gave my co-worker the advice to Repeat back to the narcissist what they say.
The self-fulfilling prophecy! I 100% agree. My X smeared my name to my friends to the point where my friends did not want to do anything with me and her. Than she blamed me for not having friends (for my x and I) to go out with... its a snake eating its own tale. Makes no sense to me...
OMG I relate to the door slamming thing so much! I did it by accident a lot as it slipped my mind, and would always get criticized as if I did it on purpose. That would make me defensive because I wanted her to see it was a mistake I didn’t do intentionally. That obviously backfired. This would happen with all my mistakes.
This was another stellar video. One of the most anxiety-provoking, hurtful things about the arguments we used to have, was that he made these wild generalizations about me that had me constantly doubting myself. The fact that I loved him, trusted him, and that he was a therapist, gave great weight to his opinions. I was constantly feeling shamed, confused, and inadequate even though he often said things without being able to tell me what his complaint was based on. What had I done wrong?? Ironically, he often was describing himself! But if I told him he was hurting me he told me I was criticizing him! It was these accusations that he used to justify cruel behavior including lying, cheating, and eventually discarding me after YEARS together. Even though I know this was u fair and untrue, it hurts me to know that he was able to walk away, actually believing these things. The generalizations were character flaws, and never anything positive. It left me feeling so confused about who I really am/was. Very heartbreaking and very damaging!
Its the huge list of his opinions of me that i can't shake even after 5 years of ending our 35 year marriage. I categorized them as criticisms of my intellect, my emotions, my physical mannerisms, my health, my opinion of myself (you are self loathing), our relationship, etc. Nothing escaped his assessment of me. I made a list and sent it back to him, saying how cruel it was to say these things to another human being, someone you supposedly loved. It fell on deaf ears. But, once you hear these things, you can't unhear them.
You have a very good way of wording the things that, at least one of us here anyways, have trouble describing to someone who hasn't actually seen anything like this for themselves. I feel like, unless you actually have witnessed some of these things for yourself, you're only gonna KINDA know what I'm talking about. If that makes sense. Like, to listen to some of this stuff, on it's surface, doesn't seem like it would be THAT bad, you know? But when you see the extent of what we're talking about for yourself, then it's like, oh THAT lack of empathy. Yea, that. I'm not saying they don't take accountability for anything, I'm saying, just SUGGEST they MIGHT possibly be even the tiniest but responsible for the most insignificant thing that COULD have been wrong, and watch what happens. By the way, here's a helmet, you'll be needing that and don't start until you actually hear me driving off. Not in the driveway, gone. Lol. That was a little exaggerated but, you know what I mean.... Actually no, that wasn't too much exaggerated. But that's a hard thought and a little weird one, to convey. So if you were trying to describe this personally defect (is defect too harsh? Feels harsh.) But they have NEVER had any extended interactions with a narcissist, well, it's my boss at work, construction, I've been there from the start and, I know he thinks he understands but no. It's hard for me to explain something that, honestly I don't fully understand myself. (I feel like that could have been SOOOOO much shorter now.. 😬 Sorry about that.)
Man I’ve missed this channel. Still learning though, and I left my narc like a year and a half ago. This explains why I’ve been left with this lingering self hatred that I’ve had to tackle directly and didn’t just go away with time. I was brainwashed, with “evidence” that I’m a lazy, selfish, irresponsible, stupid man-baby. If I tried to defend myself, then I was still all those things but also defensive. And besides she’s not responsible for my feelings so if I find her opinions and behaviors hurtful that’s my problem not hers. I’m just too sensitive I remember telling my therapist all these opinions of myself and saying “but you don’t understand, I actually have evidence that I’m all these terrible things!” 😂
My ex always told me I was a poor listener. So much that I actually believed her. She used to be so condescending "you must have wax in your ears". Like who talks to someone like that? But the thing is. Sure I could forget things. Like small things that I forget to buy at the store or whatever. She would make it such a big deal. It was draining. But when it was reversed. She listened to me. She just didnt give a shit about what I said. Once I told her. "Hey, it kinda hurts me when you are wearing an old sweater that belonged to her ex boyfriend. I mean I am your man now and I want to feel that in order to take this serious". She seemed to understand and that was that. Then some time later I saw she wore that sweater on snapchat anyways. She just didnt wear it around me.
Very interesting, as always. And as I understand it, these generalizations would not always be projections of their own specific flaws like being lazy or inconsiderate, but as you said in another video, because deep down inside they consider themselves a piece of garbage, they will gladly generalize anything and everything negative about us as a "proof" that indeed we and not them are that worthless piece of crap. So anything goes, not only features that they themselves display, albeit that certainly can often be the case. Greetings from Poland :)
thank you this helped so much i even wrote the ending down. it's been so hard to get what they've said out of my head and you really got through to me big-time. x "Remember: the narc’s opinion about you only holds value in how they feel about themselves. The narc does not care if you are lazy or smart or stupid or hardworking or beautiful or ambitious or whatever, they don’t care about anything to do with you unless it can make them feel a certain way about themselves. So if they can convince you and make you lazy and that makes them feel better about the belief that they had that they are lazy, that’s why they are going to tell you that. It is not because you are actually lazy. And no one could ever really possibly know that about you or make a sweeping generalization about some character flaw you have, because no one knows you better than you know yourself. No one knows what your intentions are. And anyone that tries to tell you that you are something that you are not or something that hurts you, something that damages your self-esteem, something that they really couldn’t possibly really know about you, they are lying to you. And they’re probably lying to themselves."
I'm not sure if I agree. Every person have some type of personality, not just isolated bad habits. I know people who are visibly careless, undoubtedly laud or plain lazy. For example I'm strict, slow to decide and often lazy. Those are truths. No matter if I'm comfortable with this or not. I have flaws and they can be across the board and visible to anyone. If someone will say "you are so strict", he will be right. Maybe not in the particular situation but generally this is true. And differences in personality only exaggerate the perception of them. If I'm tidy and someone is moderate in this area, this person will appear untidy to me. And for me, this will be who they are. "My friend who is too untidy for me". If someone is attacking you by pushing your buttons to soften you as a manipulation - sure. This is why we have to "domesticate our flaws". We have to know that we have them and then try to somehow control them and make them more manageable for us and others. The takeaway is - know yourself and be self aware. Contemplate your own behavior.
On the topic of ideas for future videos, one that would interest me would be a breakdown of the narcissist's binary black and white mindset, devoid of any regard for any possible shades of grey or other nuances. What are its root causes? How does it manifest? What impact can it have on us? To my mind, this mindset permeates virtually everything a narcissist is and does, but maybe it could be worthwhile to take a closer look at this specific aspect of narcissism. I have some thoughts about this of my own and would be eager to listen to yours.
The ex married my best friend. He is a narcissist and had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since he left me. He brags how much he loves his new wife. Can you talk about something like that?
My daughter asked her dad why doesn’t he try too get to know her fiancé a little deeper 😵💫 he says what do I need too know . Duh .. your daughter will inherit your 30 yr business one day and that will be her husband , that’s why .
While I definitely appreciate the conceptualization and literalism that you’re presenting here, I think this is splitting hairs. The reason the toxic person is emotionally abusive is precisely because they are inaccurate and apply a double standard to others (not self-aware). If they came up to you and were an honest person intent on real relationship and communication, they would tell you the thing or action that bothers them and specify and look forward to change. But I find toxic people don’t see any of their traits and more importantly how it affects people. How they are to YOU is all that matters; because if we’re following this same train of thought, then i guess none of their “good” traits can be true either just based on your personal experience with them. If you’re lazy and neglectful to one person but not another, that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of effort and consideration, but it does mean you gave that one person a neglectful experience. The difference between someone expressing concern and trying to remedy concern and what a toxic deflective person does, is the inaccuracy, in my view. Now, when you feel you know what you’ve been told and experienced, and they claim they KNOW differently, who is right? See, that’s how they keep you in the loop; as long as you can question your own experience of them and your own self and judgment, they can manipulate you into thinking their own issues are a “relationship issue”. At some point if someone is asserting their mind over you so much, what is the point of wondering if they’re right…. Because they never show reciprocal pause to consider their OWN choices, words, actions, motivations. So, inaccuracy, coupled with no reciprocity of self-reflection, is enough proof that they really aren’t trying to achieve anything other than scrambling your brain and the entire conversation. I’m sorry, but there ARE toxic people who are “emotionally abusive”, “inconsiderate”, “hateful”, “petty”, “selfish”. Does it matter if they are the opposite to others? And in my book, why don’t they deserve to be told that in all honesty. And if how they were towards others was REALLY who they are, then why would they be such utter failures at giving you basic decency and respect that they clearly know how to give to others who enable them or somehow don’t cross them or question them. That’s the point. They pick and choose who gets respect based on their self-serving valuations, not based on social values or proportionate to your actions and not even matching their own previous statements about your good qualities (which they completely contradict after they have simply been “offended” by their lack of control of and praise from you). Again, I understand what your point is, but I do believe assholes need to be called assholes. This notion of pussyfooting around abusive, toxic people is exactly what keeps true victims (who are usually already pre-exposed and conditioned to think like this) in a loop of being balanced or even handed… but if you’re being even handed with a freakin THIEF, that in my book is poor judgment and a pathetic waste of time. Toxic people see you’re stuck giving them the benefit of the doubt, which is why they constantly triangulate you and remind you everyone else likes them so what’s your problem. You showed up as abusive, lying and daft in this relationship between two people (not 20), so therefore that is what you are to the recipient of that treatment. Period. People who think that matters will do the work and communication to right their wrongs. And when they don’t; well, that’s asshole behavior. Period. Anyone who’s been through these relationships knows that “reasoning with” and “talking through” and “gingerly telling them what’s bothering you while emphasizing you don’t think that that’s their identity”… KNOWS IT DOESNT WORK and only wastes your time and reasoning skills. (Although, I will note: if you’re gonna speak your peace to them, best to exit the stage and never re-enter that door, because you will pay for it if you return to their hellscape. Mostly by them successfully making you question your reality of the experience THEY caused you.) But do they not “deserve” to be called out on the brazen character traits they display? Pshhhhaw, yes they do! You could always choose not to I guess, though. Or completely go silent and ghost or no contact. But, who does that to someone if they’re not an asshole? Not victims. But you know who DOES do that without warrant? Emotionally abusive, hurtful people. 🤷🏽♀️
And the funniest part is that everything I'm doing is setting myself up on ha. Living arrangement with buying this property. Buying the mobile home. Crashing my own credit to do it. And I don't even care because if and when he does have enough and leave. Then I'll be able to manage my stuff anyway. I'm built from there again. I'm not building nothing with this jerk, I'm doing the bare minimal and I don't care. I'm enjoying my life every minute he's not here and I'm a good person, so I'm not doing anything like a bad wife would be doing because I'm just not that type of person. But yeah, I'm writing this out. Why not? And I'm again saving because I use my other savings to get this property. And everything set up and he thinks I'm doing it for us. Ha ha ha jokes on him im happy woth the basics He came home a cpuple weeks ago am were arguing about the credit amd i said im working with a settlememt company amd gonna pay alot less back doing so so i cant use of pay on our credit accoints to qualify for thos hardship amd its basocally an accoint you pay on and as you reach amounts they settle amd im already got 3 in settlements amd its a process but well worh it as im pay back my credit like a mortgage all are closed but thos enables me to pay 600 a month like a mortgage amd they settlements i jave going are half what i owed amd since the accounts are closed it stops the interest being charge then they take a fee but its small from each payment amd ends up being 20% of the setlememt which is fine the bemefot is time and not having interst keep adding as your trying to pay the minum bit im almost at the point to start saving again and when i get 6 months of living expemses up and really working being with him doesnt work for me caise its a daily noghtmare where he blows up about me getting a job once every few months so im good woth tjat lol another thing is they think theor money has magic fingers as if i javent used hos money to better hos life amd finamcial credit weve been able to get and pay back stuff many times over tje uears bit i dod that he knows nothing about credit the market real estate amd coukdnt do what i do amd ive tried to teach him bit they are not i terested amd act scared to learn amything new another thing youll notice kver time amd we used to talk about starting a biz together and with soding i thougjt so too bit nooo jed yell at me on tje phone or go off about something someone told him or they got mad wjat a noght mare to work with a.d i told hom i wmquit i no longer work for jp vinly soding not luke i was getting a paycheck lol to be fair i do manage our fonances cause wed be homeless if i dodnt bit really they throw stuff in your face luke me i biy a carton ogf cigs when he gets paid so i can save gas and not go to the store which is 3 miles away so 6 in my trick so im like let me get wjat i need to save on gas amd i run all my errands in one day thinking im saving money amd he tells me i dont need a truck or data on my cell cause i do t go anywhere which of course is part true but not lol and i cant live loor on purpose when i want to lol caise im not materialistic on many things like makeup jeweler etc isnt my thing id rather pay for a 4 wheeler to rode around my property and buy planters and trees to plant im not a girly gorl i can be when i wanna dress up bit at 52 i dont care much for all that garbage so i cant be so nasic amd save alot of money at least he gives me hos pay id for sure be gone if that chamges or id say he would be hes so dumb id have a coirt oredered seperstion with alomony before he knew what hos him thats another rhing they are really dumb when it comes to any life stuff caise uve delt woth everything i even got hos osha fine rediced doen 9k wjen he got a violation caise he never folled the rules another thong thats fun to deal woth not. Id uell you cant jist make up your own rules amd itd be simple like tying a flag on the equipme t which you have to do i shoukd jist start writting a book of all the stories i have so mich u realize how stupid and ignorant and clueless they really are Bit je is good at hos job i know thos bit thats it and when you dont want to learn nothings ever your fault and you know everything wjere do you think you are at 49 his age now???? No where thats where i know so mich amd dont have a job bit jave made alot happen for us over the years amd he says if it wasnt for my money blah blah like i saod they think their money jas magic fingers as of im not the one managong aeverything with tje money hes got a noce truck now amd my truck payment is the probl not his bit i thougjt jed be working a better job after quiting the bisiness bit je working for the giy who ised to work for him lol amd paid1k a week sonits tight bit managible plus i bought a vam on my credit amd sold ot for 6k profot amd i paod 6 mo ths rent at oir old place amd he dont even see it im gonna maybe start doing something to make some junks but i really dont feel like it o got jobs i can do bit i like him being gone amd me taking care of our place im about to paint our whole trailer lol amd i did all thos with buying thos trailer amd land getting everything done amd he dodnt even know till i told him we were moving another thing with tjem is its like they stay stuck in time hell say something aboit our old house we sold another story lol as of ot was 6 montjs ago not 6 uears ago now in 2018 its crazy and its these things you realoze they dont see they dont get it and they really live in theor own little world i do twalk on eggshells i never did bit i do ignore hos attacks as i know he full of poop
Well - I did tell my narcissistic ex that he can’t love. I guess that could be considered a “generalised insult” but it is based on my experience of 1.5 years with this person. And it’s the truth of my experience with them. Is that still a bad thing to say to them - in the context of discussing why our relationship did not work out?
When my ex narcissist used to call me things I wasn’t you mean I just could’ve given him a cookie or a nap Dang 😅 Not a joking situation I know for anyone who’s had to live with a narcissist but if we don’t keep our humor we might go mad
Also, and related to the binary mindset, you often say in your videos that narcissists consider themselves the only important person in the world, the only real embodiment of what a human being ought to be, so in other words the only "1" surrounded by an ocean of "0s". However, it is my experience that some narcissists have their heroes, particularly in the realm of politics and/or religion. So are those "heroes" mere enablers that are used by the narcissist as yet another tool of manipulation towards people in the narcissist's life? If put together to, let's say, work with such a "hero", would the narcissist jump at the hero's throat on the first occasion to replace them on the top, or would they rather engage in mutal enabling? Would the narcissist really accept a subordinate position towards an idolized hero or would they really just think: "associating with you enables me and makes me look good, which is useful for me, but still I am better than you"?
I disagree with the notion that "nothing is really ever known about someone" conveyed at the end of this video. This is other way of saying to not trust yourself and that everyone is an unsolved mystery. If everything is just my perception and my "slice of truth" then how can I ever justify abandoning a narcissist? Is that person a narc? I don't know and I can never know. This is only my "slice of truth", "my perspective" and only they may know who they really are. Maybe we just had a bad streak? I can not judge this person as I can never know them. This is dead end of self trust and any ability to form opinions and live a guided life. I agree that we should not treat our perception as just plain truth. But at some point we have to decide if we have enough evidence to treat it as such. Until we have enough evidence to change it again. If not - when do you decide that a person is a narcissist? You never can.
@@wanderinggeri8477 Yes, she did. As innocent as these "I disagree" comments appear to be, I think (some) of these comments are from people pretending to not "get it" just to get a response (seeking attention). We all have some narcissistic traits, but we're not all narcissists. She explains that in this video as she does in each of her videos.
@@manfocused Wow! So if someone disagrees with a small portion of someone's claim, they are likely to just have bad intentions or are seeking attention? That's a very bold claim. Also a call for echo chambers. And a vicious trap. Any disagreement is being somewhat sufficient to be deemed morally lacking... Are you sure you think this way?
@@Rig_JW You've commented TWICE on this video to "disagree" with her. TWICE. You seem to be a very intelligent individual who doesn't need to have every "small" thing explained to you. As the person I replied to stated "She gives a pretty good description of a Narc beginning about @9:00." I think it's safe to assume that all you really want to be is seen.
@@manfocused That is true. I have written 2 post and both disagree with a claim posed in this video. That is because... I disagree with them. And as they are unrelated points I put them in two different posts. It's not a crime (as you suggest it is). I urge you to do the same any time you are posting things online. If you make a post about too many topics you will have very chaotic responses if anyone will want to discuss what you've written. This radially clears up any public discussion done in writing. Try it. One idea - one post. The first reply of wanderinggeri is not a valid reply to my post. As was your post, unfortunately. It has nothing to do with what I'we written. I suspect that you haven't read it, except for first and last sentence. You're also not engaging in any discussion. You are just posing claims about me. Blindly on the Internet with only premise being that "He dares to disagree... twice!". I've disagreed with a specific claim and I've explained why. Are you able to summarize truthfully my initial argument? If not, we have no basis to discuss anything. Mostly because you've started with a giant strawman and a stark accusation. I invite you to discussion but only on some honest terms.
Now when he gets brike doen i say call roadside what can i do they really expect you to do every kittle thing they dont want to do amd im like why am i the first one you call he works with 5 guys and he epect me to follow him to the shop of he need repairs on homis truck amd take him to his jobsite amd im like have your froend you work woth take you they act as of theres fairies taking care of everything and you sit in a closet all day or something its mind blowing wjen the house is never dorty the yard is always done he literally said the uard work doesnt brong in money amd im like really the yard is your jobim.doimg so im charging you in my mins 300 a month lol amd when i say yard we have an acre i mamge not him its such a joke but roght now i like not working a stupid job haha so i guess im isi g him now haja and i dont care if he s mad amd not talking to me boohoo in happy cause hes gotta go to work anyway
