One of the best video explanations about narcissists I’ve found-thank you ♥️ As you say they have already spread the poison by the time you try and talk to others about it and it just backfires on you.
I’ve heard that they’re forcing you to be the “bad mother” so they can punish the bad mother aspect. As if they’re telling themselves the mother/feminine is bad, but I’m/the masculine is good. Or denying their own feminine aspect because of cultural and what ever other influences that shame them for having emotions. It’s all very dysfunctional. Sad for them...I feel sorry for men in general.
Same here. There IS no God and humans like that get to exist! Ironically I'm trying to get "STRONG IN GOD" as a type that as a Catholic parent kid. That being said, despite their VERY PUBLIC ERRORS, where else do I go?! (I think non-denominationals ARE "BASTARDIZED" as my agnostic Dad said. It is a very Hippocritic comment, however. Not practicing what he can preach, if he can't EVEN pick a side!)
This is what my narcissistic father does to me. I never understood why when I met family friends they would give me a kind of pitying/concerned look- these were people I was meeting for the very first time in my life, yet they would act kind of worried for me and sometimes ask me about school/friends/whatever. It took me years for me to realize my father was a narcissist and find out from others how much he talks behind my back. Sometimes he would offer me money, only so he could whine to others about how much money I was taking from him and how dysfunctional I was. I still dont understand how someone could be so evil and conniving about their child, but I know it comes from all the darkness inside of him.
Yeah my mom did that to me..and like you that took me years to understand she was doing that, I couldn't figure why my relatives acted the way they did. I hardly ever talk to my mom now....
@@aishwaryapatlolla5615 as they get old they forget their lies,they dont plan as good as before,they get weaker. People around start to notice their behavior. At this moment its important for you to speak out! Took more than 30yrs for me! Focus on the people that you dont see around them anymore.Their lost friends.They saw how they acted.
@@waynepolo6193 my used to say: you give me energy and I was thinking by myself: I suppose I do because I feel drained of any energy after talking to you
That's why they hate mirrors. We, are the mirrors of their hatefulness and so they can't stand to see us. They hate us yet won't let go. That's pain. Daily horrid pain.
My daughter fits this bill. Sadly i am so stupid i fall for the lovebombing then comes her humiliating me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. She is 42 yo and i am finally able to just say NO
This is powerful. If you have narcissistic parents, you become a narcissist magnet and not see what's going on. There are so many of these all around us.
The exact moment I realized there was a connection, oh the anger I felt towards my parents who are still alive in their late seventies early eighties. But if I were to act that all out, and I kind of did and did some tell us about finally being a scapegoat for once, then they have another example to say, "SEE, we told you!" to their audience, I can only imagine. (Living 3500 miles away from my hometown for decades has never felt homier)
You can grow up from early childhood thinking the abuse/neglect/scapegoating is normal. And when you start to figure out things a bit (if u can)(if you survive that long) as a young teen perhaps and start to speak out and/or take notice that this is not okay...all hell breaks loose. 💔 Stand strong ✊
@@AZDC99 the more i know the angrier i get....i guess ignorance is bliss is kinda at play here, like the golden child is most content in their ignorance and denial etc.....
It's funny how a person from the outside can turn people you've know for decades against you. That let me know my own family, children, and friends never were true in the first place and already felt some type of way about me
I always thought that too!! How come NOT ONE of my friends I knew for DECADES could believe whatever lie he told them!!!! How?? Whatever it was was against my very mature that they knew me to have. These games are truly snakes in the grass.
@@delery2524 the friends were never friends in the first place. Also narcissists go behind your back and hang out with family and friends bring up small complaints then the friends and family join in because they also could be narcissists or low key was jealous of you
It’s so sad for us . I already had a history of being bullied and here he comes ; I thought the man of my dreams and he’s turns out to be my worst enemy and cause me so much pain and cigarette smoking. Why couldn’t I love myself enough leave this nonsense before I started to self destruct with tobacco. 😭
That is the key word is "AUDIENCE" and I literally saw this happen! Where they were talking to me like they were talking to somebody else and it's like I caught them recording the conversation for somebody literally they just turned away because they can bear to deal with the truth look from me. It was at that point I can reframe the whole friendship through the correct of eyewear showing me of them putting on a show for somebody. This was a former close friend, not a lover. but I stuck around for a few more months in denial after that with some weird semi discards from them and myself. This person had also been on the receiving end of being escaped their family of origin. We live thousands of miles away from where we grew up. Yet, there's a nerve to say, "well, our siblings wouldn't put up with it." In other words if I completely discarded my parents the way he did, I would be superior too! It was at that point that I realized that he was playing both my parents and me. Even though he said he hadn't talked to them for years because he used to be leasing office manager and he hardly had any conversation back then. Now when minor bumps and bruises come up in life, I can't go and confide to him anymore because I don't trust him and I think he'll just smear me with it if behind my back to my parents or to the leasing office (We both have different apartments at the same apartment complex). Videos like these keep me strong in my no contact stance
@@ladyoftheveil8342 read Allen Carr's 'Easyway for women to stop smoking'. If it doesn't work the first time, read it again. I'm a free non smoker and happier than I could ever have imagined when I was a smoker. Good luck to you, you can do it
He destroyed my relationship w my children and family. Those who sided w him still don't speak to me. But the empaths saw right thru him and his bs. Bless them🙏
@JaneDunlop I know what you mean. I've been divorced 15 years and still dont have a real relationship with my children. He has told them so many lies and they believe his every word. My heart is broken and I'm not sure how to make it right with my kids. He won!
@@wendytimms4515 In the same boat. I didn’t know what I was dealing w/in him. I stayed for my children thinking it was safer for them then being alone w/him half the time from divorce. I had no idea how he talked down about me and told them they did not need to listen to me. They have bought into the lies hook, line and sinker. I have a delicate relationship w/2 of my children, the 3rd one cut me out of his life. Only w/in the past 2-3 years have I realized my mother is also a narcissist and that’s why she was so in love w/him and they colluded often together against me. My mother turned my siblings and extended family members against me years ago but I never realized I was dealing w/narcissism in her. If I had, I would have run from the ex from the get go. Hard lesson learned but it was learned. I pray one day my children will see the entire truth.
"you will pay for the unresolved issues in them." that is so true but their issues are never resolved. sowhen they get mad at no contact, they mad ur no longer around to be abused.
And they're mad they don't have an easy target anymore now they've got to pull themselves together and go find someone else and now have to do all the love bombing and all that good stuff and then the mask will slip wash rinse spend repeat
My late m in l was a narc. When I realised she had a menagerie of monkeys against me, I called her out. I added...I don't know what your problem is but I didn't cause it. After she died, life was blissful. Then her daughter took over and started on my kids. After a week of vile abuse on the sudden death of my husband, together, we went no contact which continues 10 years on...more bliss. 🤣
Yes. That’s what my ex ( kids dad did to me too. I just now figured this out! Yers after the divorce by what my daughter and son told me! I’m relieved but sad my son has been traumatized the most but is starting his life away from his family. I-am so happy for him! So he can heal.
Ok so now you take responsibility you own your mistakes you own your part in your children doing that. And you realize that past behaviour is repeated. I love you❤️
The smear campaign is a very large topic. Years back, I had a roommate for a few years. We had, what I called back then, a one-up, one-down relationship. She was clearly on the one-up side of things. She told me that she had 'issues of control.' I didn't understand then what that meant. I do now. She is also a therapist, which ended up being used against me. In the course of the friendship/roommate relationship, she determined that I was a narcissist and she began treating me that way. I became angrier and angrier over time because I was being treated that way. It took me about 25 years to finally figure out what was happening in that relationship. During that time, I would hear people making comments that made no sense to me at the time. I did not understand why they made those comments, but subsequent insight has led me to understand that during the time I lived with her, she was talking about me to them behind my back. After she kicked me out of the apartment, I became aware of other things. People, who were nice to me one week, wanted little to do with me the next. One of her friends glares at me whenever she sees me. I had a friend one time come up to me after services (I live in a Jewish community.) and she looked very upset and disapproving about something she had heard. (She had just been sitting at a table with a bunch of women and the ex-roommate.) This friend told me that whatever I did to not bring anyone I was interested in dating to the synagogue. So, I have been aware for a long time that she has been running a smear campaign against me. To be clear, not once have I done the same thing to her. And this, from the person (me), who is supposed to be the narcissist. It is a horrible thing to go through. She is a loved and respected person in the community and people think she is a wonderful person. I have my own thoughts, which I have shared with only the closest of my friends, and even at that it took me 12 years to open up with them about this subject. It is an awful thing to go through. I once heard that people who try to control you, upon finding out that they cannot control you, will try to control everyone else's perception of you. That rings true from my experience.
I never noticed during my 2 years long relationship with a narcissist that he is talking shitty about me behind my back. Once we broke up I was totally isolated, alone, nobody was on my side. I was heartbroken and alone, suicidal. I could not understand what happened to people I loved, even my family members. Now I understand the behavior. He was talking badly about me the whole time! When we broke up, I felt like a failure, I missed him, I used to cry all day long... then I met my neighbour and told her about the break up and her immediate reaction was: he probably found somebody better than you... I was like :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This felt like a punch into my sad face. I could not believe what she said. We were good neighbour and I never did anything wrong to her! I helped her many time, this old "lady" who was living alone! I lost all my friends and some members of my family were accussing me of being the abuser and that I deserved the end of the relationship. Eveh his betrayal - his cheating on me. :O I wish I could punch him now! I almost commited suicide, I thought the whole world stopped loving me. This was 1O years ago and now it all make sense, finally! Thank you, Lisa. :-*
This is exactly my situation at moment I just keep saying as God's my witness I have clear conscience and God knows I do so I know he will make truth known they will be exposed xx
well i was borderline and he was a narc so of course i was the crazy one i felt like i could win a gold medal for being a crazy B and yet i had a soul and still had love in me and felt bad for people
@Heather B that is a problem that doesnt get addressed enough you already seen what a narc is capable of and because of that how do you know what the threats mean maybe they are empty threats but maybe not? 🤷♀
My malignant narcissist brother always tries to brainwash my nieces and nephews against me. He wants to assert control over me by using other people and convincing them to hate me. He triangulates, manipulates, and creates smear campaigns to try to make life difficult for me and to isolate me. He is becoming too fixated on me and feels extremely frustrated that all his efforts are not working. He is losing what's left of his brain.
God, I know the type. Everyone who visits our family gives me looks like they think they know me. I say If they are that easily prejudiced against me, they don't deserve a seat at my table. I have friends who really know me, so move on.
@Cre Chukwuemeka The problem with narcissists is that they think that they are winning. They finally realize that they have ruined every relationship in their lives through their destructive behaviors. Their behavior destroys them the most and has the most impact on them first. They can't realize this, because their mental illness blinds them from seeing the truth of what's really going on. I don't know why they call it a personality disorder. It is more of a mental illness from my point of view. The core of their illness is the envy and the jealousy which they feel constantly. It's a cycle that they can't break free from. Our job is to remove ourselves from that cycle and never react to it. Identifying that the individual that you are dealing with is mentally ill, will help everyone look at the disordered individual from a different perspective and never taking anything they say seriously. Because they are ill.
I’m sorry. My toxic sister turned all of her kids against me by lying about me. ...even though I was the only one to ever stand up to defend her from our abusive father. No contact for nine years now.
I’m dealing with a similar situation. My nieces are brainwashed and attack me at every chance, though. I hope this is the last time I will ever see any of these monsters.
The red carpet rolled out for you..., but they have banana skins layed out at the end of it....... Watch out., because they really just want you to fall....... Thank you.... Lisa for your solid support and help.... Christopher
such a clever visual .... yes little do you know that the red carpet entrance and royal treatment of being someone special ends with a back door exit of being a shameful criminal .... and not only once but over and over again.
You just articulated exactly what happened to me. The narcissist was my mother so being born into this mess was mind bending. Having gone no contact and lost a lot of extended family/friends in the process I still struggle to find the words but it’s all right here in your video, thankyou so much for this 🙏
I’m just starting to understand how much I’ve been gaslighted by family. It’s so damaging emotionally. I moved far away, but I have to see them this coming weekend for my dad’s memorial. My mom, brother, and nieces made me look like I was the “problem “. My dad was my best friend. Very upsetting. I feel like their presence at my dad’s memorial is inappropriate, as they’ve caused all of us so many issues. I’m trying to figure out how to manage / deal with having to see them during his memorial. Monsters.
@@d.w.7114 it’s an awful situation being portrayed as the ‘problem’ your whole life, I would say just do what’s best for you and don’t care what anyone else says now- they’re going to talk bad about you no matter what you do. I was also closest to my dad who they also treated terribly but I was not told when/where they scattered his ashes. They’ll literally do anything to get a reaction, so I removed myself completely. They can’t ever take away the bond I had with my dad and I feel he’s my guardian angel now. Good luck with the memorial x
As an Empath/Sensitive....narcissists are attracted to me, as I have compassion where they lack compassion. I had to cut my narcissistic mother, and an narcissistic ex, and a narcissistic friend completely out of my life. Their toxic energies sucked the life out of me. And the harder I tried, the worse I was treated. The narcissist appears to be charming, caring in public....but abuse you in private. I finally learned to build a bubble around me, so that I could stop absorbing other's energies. I spent most of my adult and young life, trying to win approval from te narcissists in my life. Especially my mother. It was once I was diagnosed as an Empath, in therapy by a Parapsychologist, I finally realized why my mother, friends, ex-boyfriend, etc., were so emotionally, spiritually, verbally, and physically abusive towards me. It is difficult to live life without those I love, but I had to save my own life, literally, to survive that abuse.
@@napoleonlauristedelosreyes4701 Empaths are usually people who naturally have more compassion for others (including animals). We are highly sensitive and don't want to hurt others. We have a natural tendency to put ourselves in other's shoes and can sense other's emotions very easily, especially pain/sadness. Many are natural "rescuers". We can be more sensitive to everything, including beauty, ( including music, the arts etc) and to unpleasant noises and discord in groups of people. Many are more spiritually aware too. Unfortunately narcissists are attracted to us because we won't "but heads" with them and will give them the compassion they are seeking, but they oftentimes have a dark side in them that seems to want to destroy us because of jealousy of our natural qualities. Being an empathy/highly sensitive person isn't bad (it's very good!) , but because we want to trust and have relationships with depth, we have to learn how important it is to create boundaries and not divulge everything about ourselves until we really know someone's character.
My mother is too. I just found out after 31 years! I knew our relationship was toxic but I just found out she's the one who's been turning everyone closest to me against me. Especially siblings and extended family members. Fun stuff! I'm just hoping I can get my life together and move out soon. She groomed us to be very codependent on her from birth and constantly reminded us that we aren't capable of doing anything right.
The mother son relationship is just like the one my husband has with his mom. I’ve had to step aside as his wife and let her run his life. I stopped getting angry about it left them alone and moved on with my life. The day she dies he will not be able to cope with life and I will not be there to clean up the mess.
Good Decision Kimberly Lucky for Me my Wife Loved me Enough to Stay but I Will Retire to Vietnam with my Vietnamese Wife as Soon as we can Fly International
Kimberly, our stories are bookends!!!! Exactly, to the degree that I refer to my husband when he flips out as Norman, you know....Norman Bates. It’s sick, deplorable, and creepy as all hell. He will have to keep her alive somehow when she’s finally gone, and the way in which he will will require rocking chairs and wigs, I kid you not.
I'm trying to recover my jaw..you described my 40 yr marriage to a narc ..even an increasingly enmeshed relationship with his mother as he moved closer to inheritance. It's a soul sucking relationship to witness. It was. Signing my divorce papers tomorrow. Happiness isn't an elusive idea anymore. Thank you for your work. I'm so grateful and I know I'm not alone .
Soul sucking is it for sure! 52 yrs here. Worked my way out over last year. Still cry at times. Or wish i could go to him for comfort due to damage a wicked person has done to me. But he is the wicked one. Twisted
Been with him for 28 years. He is charismatic with my family and kins think that he is the greatest husband and person. I’m always being blamed for our poor communication and failing marriage. I’m planning to end it in a few months.
This was excellent and addressed a lot of my confusion regarding Narcissism - thank you 🙏 Could relate to this entirely especially with regards to a smear campaign. It’s a blessing to be discarded by a narcissist! As HG Tudor says “When you know you go. You get out and stay out”
My mom did that. She'd get on the phone and pump me for information about me and my family and then share my siblings problems, and her complaints about them, with me. It was when she told me about my brother-in-law's low sperm count that I realized what she was doing and I shut her down and stopped telling her anything that I didn't want everyone else to know about. I also told her that if she was not happy with my siblings she needed to talk to them about it, not me, something she wouldn't do. I didn't play her triangulation games and she turned it against me.
My mother tells each of us that she wants to hire someone to shoot one of the others. She just gets this absolute joy from creating shock and hatred. And most of my siblings haven't clued in. The neighbours have as they speak to each other. Each of my siblings think they are special as 'mother' only hates the others. She ends up with a ton of food and just 'stuff' as she tells all the kids she never sees the others and then gets each one to take her shopping, out for meals etc. I look on her call display on her phone and try to call her out and she flat out denies. When all else fails she says "I may as well just shoot myself". She has a shooting and burning fetish. She burned all my belongings once years ago. They are insane.
I needed this video decades ago🙏🏻so much precious time wasted because I allowed my vile abusive narcissistic mother to get into my psyche and destroy my self-esteem.
We really are the victims but we forgive, encourage & promote our abusers without needing anything for ourselves. All the time unaware they are slaying us covertly everywhere they go. Spot on they poisen the water... 🙏
Omg. This happened to me last year and early this year. He set me up to react and he embarrassed me in front of all his friends. It's sad. I learned to just cut off all his friends and have no interaction with them. Even if I try to defend myself, it still ends up being worse for me. They run to him and tell him everything I said. He comes repeating what I said and sometimes he even lies. Am constantly trying to defend myself. I give up and I just go to God in prayer. Its so exhausting especially the lies. He expects me to also believe the lies.
They called that reactive abuse. I used to have my parents who LOVED TO do that to me too (3ven though I've lived 2300 miles away from them for two decades now). Then they get to play "victim" and say what an "abusive" adult child I am. (Like I used to say to them, "I bet you can't do that to someone else you're own size, coward!"
Oh yeah. At 20:38 THEY WANT TO ANIALATE YOU is absolutely right. That what my family and my mother especially have done to me. Mom's been destroying me throughout my life with these tactics and I didn't even realize it up until just several years ago. I can't believe I never said anything was wrong with my mother or other family members my whole life when most of them especially mom were totally destroying me. I'm 53 years old and they've totally ruined my life. When I started learning about this NARCASSISIM several years ago and seeing the similarities to my mother I was happy at first thinking I'd tell mom about this and she'd see it and stop. No no. She freaked. She's given me the silent treatment and vanishing act sever since then. She's stolen a home from me. She and her husband adopted a baby back in the early 1990s and have treated that one like Gold and she has apparently had a baby or two in the last several years. I started trying to talk to other family members about all this as couple of years ago and mom has apparently gotten to àll of the SMEARING me, triangling and gaslighting me. I've basically been a hermit, a shut in since 2000. I'm scared and alone as all heck. Please pray for me. Thank you.
Please keep your self in love with yourself my family are doing this to me as i speak i believe in shutty shutty i made a mistake 50 years ago they goind about it this past week now im sure i am being put out to dry now they will try to condemn me now after i have stuck by them all there lives with money and more i did not know about these things until i found lessa and her programs i know now that this had been done to me my whole life sonve i was born and now i refuse to be treated like this any more i feel bettet when they are not around me i have friends a couple who i think at that will support me its hard but i have to stay strong and know God loved me i thank God i am blessed i pray blessings on you and hope you found jesus he will protect you from evil people he is my family
Excellent explanation, my mom is a severe narcissist, she was neglected and abused as a child, she was the only one of 5 children to live to adulthood, I was told all of my life as far back as I can remember, like 4 years old that I was a mistake, she didn't want another child and was disappointed that I was a girl, my role was either scapegoat or forgotten child, of course it effected my whole life and that of my siblings, also our relationships with each other, I am the only child that stayed close to her, I lost a great job I had because she would call the office and talk to anyone who answered and say all of these terrible untrue things about me, I would stay away from her but she would pull me back in, I wanted a mom, I took her to pay her taxes, let her off at the door and parked so she wouldn't have to walk, I came in and took a seat in the office, she didn't see me and I heard her talking trash about me to a stranger(the clerk) she is in her 80's, what is sad is nothing has changed and I know I never had a real mom and never will, it is hard to except but you have to give up on any hope of them ever being normal.
I remember what that was like, having people turned against me. I've experienced it twice. The first time it was the female narcissist, we went out to eat with a group of her friends and all a sudden they started ganging up on me and telling me things about my association with her to make me feel inadequate, it was shocking it was that moment of realizing "oh my god, she's been talk about me behind my back and saying the worst things!" The second time it was a male narcissist who I was helping with a project and when I wouldn't just let him have his way because other people were involved who had invested money, he sent out emails saying that I stole the money that was invested and that I wanted everyone to work for free, he also made claims about my mental health, not realizing that attacking another person's mental health made him look un-empathetic, and of course he attacked my mental health after nearly driving me insane with harassment.
So much awareness has to happen on so many levels in society! Not just going into therapy with a narcissist and then possibly swing the therapist but this is happened with me during my three years of hell trying to divorce my ex narcissist and with the police officers every time they came after I was abused. He was charismatic and charming and seemed completely emotionally regulated and I seemed like a big hot mess LOL because of course I was the one being abused and he was the one in control. I really think we need to train law-enforcement and people in the judicial system to learn how to look past these charming façades and also to raise awareness that someone that’s emotionally dysregulated is usually behaving that way because they were being abused.
This is 100% the story of my life for the past 10 years . It took me 8 to realize something was not right that I was not this Person I was when he was mentally abusing me with new curve balls daily hourly sometimes by the minute. He even gaslighted and lied to my parents to believe I was loosing my mind . Just such a sick sick person I need my escape plan
I cannot thank you enough for this video. “Never go to someone who has already minimized you, to validate how you feel”...I kind of came to a that conclusion through my own intuition. But hearing you say it, truly solidifies it for me. Thank you for all of the INVALUABLE information that you share with us.
I’ve been married 47 years to a narcissist, I didn’t have the knowledge of what this was. I’ve been devalued and minimized by my husband and now I understand why. It helps so much! I wish this wasn’t my situation but finally I don’t have to keep blaming myself for all our problems!! Thank you! ❤️❤️
Do this, envision your narc as a spoiled 3 year old child. That is really what they really are! A stunted 3 year old child that cannot handle even a little bit of constructive criticism! They hate everything about themselves, and that makes me smile. They are simply a void that cannot be filled up! But, do not ever make the mistake of feeling sorry for these demons! If possible, ignore them, do not give them any attention, negative or positive. DO NOT GIVE THEM ANYMORE OF YOURSELF!!!
It's funny what you say about 'poisoning the lake'. My narc sister actually did that, she dumped oil all around my well. There is a reason why these sayings came into being. I just wish young people could learn about this before they waste their life. The broken toe story as well- if my mother would even just stub her toe or drop a dish we all scattered like mice as whoever was nearby would get a beating. What an exhausting life they lead. "This could all be made up". It WILL all be made up :)
Not sure it does backfire,my daughter believes every word he is so calculating, conniving and a magnificent pathological liar that,if I were being told all this crap I would probably believe it too. It's awful to think you are on your own,with no-one.
Hero yet Victim, yes! But the two terms don't typically go hand-in-hand. That is a MAJOR clue in conversations, were they the 'heroic victims'? People I perceive as heroic do not identify with victimhood. Interesting!
Lisa victim vs sequestered toxicity ... when you get attacked left right and centre, run, flying monkeys ..... the isolation is excruciating ... you end up looking the psychopath
I love your videos I have a narcissistic and abusive father and my family won’t talk to me because he tells them all lies. Your videos help me remember my self worth thank you for that 💞🤍
Thanks for your enlightenment to people who haven’t experienced a narcissist. I hope they truly heed the information provided. Most people find it inconceivable that another human could behave as a narcissist does until they have lived it. I know I did ! Maybe with this type of education, the rookies will recognize the first signs and it will click that what you describe as their future.......... indeed will be. And hopefully, the ones who are already entangled with a narcissist will realize that it will NEVER EVER EVER get better !
" I have to find myself " that's a favorite saying now since her new thing isn't good... she was an undercover narc...talked to her family..friends..her kids about me behind my back. I was wtf when I found out.. all the victim stuff is on point. I'm glad I wasn't crazy when I heard all of it...
Yep..I wish I read this up years ago lol. But one clue I will tell my boy...get to know the mom of any girl asap...it will tell all. Everything about idolize..discard..etc.... but time will be my vindicator...im all good...
I went through this so called “good girl syndrome“. I was scared to death of being seen as non-cooperative. I went to extreme lengths to try and keep the peace in my marriage and with my in-laws. It was not until my divorce that I found out nothing I had done mattered. I was still gossiped about and smeared by my husband‘s family. If they could tear me down, they thought they would come out looking better. It did not work but it hurt profoundly. They do the damage and I was blamed if anyone called them out on their Shenanigans. No personal responsibility at all!!!
What I came to realize as a person having a 20 years relationship with a narcissist is that, at least in my situation, the narcissist suffers from a GOD syndrome. As such the narcissist wants everybody to believe they are incapable of making a mistake...they are perfect!!! And as the old metaphore states: there is nobody so hate as the innocent person who witnessed the crime! The narcissist hates you simply due to the fact that you know them extremely well, and they are terrified the they will be exposed by you. Thus destroying any notion of their GOD syndrome. Best resolve is to adandon ship and flee for your life. NO CONTACT FOREVER...LET THEM WIN TO PRESERVE YOUR SANITY!!!!!
Best thing you can do is trust your intuition, and know the tactics of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists target specific people, especially INFJ and ENFJ types, because of our empathy. My channel discusses recovering from narcissistic abuse for INFJ and ENFJ types. Great video btw.
11:55 yes! Always someone else's fault in their narcissistic rage.. I'm in that stage where mine is in a full on narcissistic rage because I walked away. I've knocked that ridiculously sensitive ego and they're in full on rage mode now using the flying monkeys against me.. 14:55 They're a perpetual victim yes 💯
I don't miss my Narcissistic Father at all. I go to his grave and stomp on it. It's the least I can do, because I took his verbal abuse his entire life! No I don't forgive people that hurt me on purpose.
Unforgiveness hurts YOU, please FREE YOUR SOUL by forgiving. Also if you want God to forgive you for your shortcomings, then YOU also need to forgive others. We pray for your TOTAL HEALING. It starts WITH forgiveness.
@@endtimeservant8531 there is a reason that 'compensation' is a reality. To just 'forgive' without an expectation that it will not happen again rings alarm bells, you just end up going back for more. People need to pay compensation, have the heart to 'make it up to you'. without that, it is a worm that keeps turning, lurking underneath, just waiting for the trigger.
@@xenatron9056 Please dont say more than I did. I said NOTHING about returning or going back after forgiveness, and of course unless the other person has GENUINELY repented, one should cut ties.
Forgiveness is turning it over to God. It doesn't mean how he treated you wasn't extremely wrong and damaging. Forgiveness is just turning it over to God
@@xenatron9056 Forgiveness does not mean you you go back to your abuser or open yourself up to being abused some more, that has nothing to do with what I said. You forgive and MOVE ON to preserve yourself, if no true remorse is from the abuser.
Sorry for your loss of your father. I’ve read it’s more difficult to deal with the loss of somebody who was abusive to you as a parent, or was a parent/substance abuser. You feel the grief more deeply.
I know some people feel that way. In my case I had already grieved his loss while he was alive. When my father died I felt nothing but annoyance (I was called late at night to respond to the hospital whee he had been taken. ), and relief that I didn’t have to deal with him ever again.
I agree with @Jan M: deal with the "loss" now because, in fact, the relationship you believed you had with the narcissist was a complete fantasy. It doesn't matter whether it was your parent, spouse, child, etc. It never existed. Understand and acknowledge this, and go ahead and grieve the actual loss of the illusion. It's gut wrenching because you have to do 2 things: First, you have to recognize the depth of your own self-deception, how fooled you were for so long, and the ripple effects of this: who enabled and encouraged the narcissist? Do they not care about you either? How do you deal with them? Second: you have to grieve the loss of the relationship YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD with the person YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE, the person you continually made excuses for, blamed yourself for "misunderstanding", etc. That person didn't actually exist. But you believed they existed and you loved them, so grieve the loss of them, and do it now. If you can say goodbye to the illusion now, then you can handle what they actually are with much, much less confusion and stress.
I was not sad at the death of my narc mother and enabeling father.They were an extremely toxic pair. I hope I broke the cycle whet I raised my kids...My main aim was to be the opposite of my mother.And I believe my children grew up happy. As grown-ups they are ok
I was relieved when my abusive father died. I made sure to watch him be lowered into the casket and that it was sealed b/c I needed to be sure it was over. I teared up a little, not b/c I was sad, I grieved the father/daughter relationship that never was. I will not be sad when my mother dies, I will not even grieve the loss of the mother/daughter relationship. I will finally be able to breathe, I will never have to speak to her again, no matter how little and then have her call family to twist it and tell them how horrible I am. It will be a great relief it is finally over and I can now fully care for myself w/o having to think “it’s been a week she should be calling”. Matter of fact, since I was in my 20’s when my father died and I dealt w/it and moved on, it took years for me to understand why people in their 40’s & 50’s were upset that their parents died. To me, I would think “this is a normal part of life, why didn’t you prepare yourself”, never realizing my reaction was tainted from the abuse in my life from my parents. So no, not every person that was abused by dysfunctional/narcissistic parents are devastated by their deaths.
I've just recently broken off with a narcissist and was the victim in every aspect you have explained in this video and others. I was shattered, but not broken. The reason I didn't break was because I am convinced of who I am in Christ. Were it not for Him I would have gone insane and crashed.
while all this is true, i find it more about the fact i cannot be manipulated or controlled. they're so used to getting their way, spoiled in every way.
Wow, I totally understand I'm going through the same situation, I haven't hurt a Fly, in my life , or never said anything bad to my family, Meanwhile my narssasist sister I have, made my whole family believe I'm the devil, Shes been doing it for years I saw signs, but never understood, Omg, they are amazing geniuses
My narc abusers (family) wanted me dead, Lisa. They ostracized me from family for 10+ years. No one checked on me or would take my calls. I became very depressed and lost my health during this time. Then I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. When I got cancer the abusers all came back wanting to “help” me. Recently they called the family attorney to discuss my will and who will get my assets when I die. It’s absolutely unforgivable what they did to me. All because I spoke the truth and stood up to their abuse of me. They destroyed my life.
Don't leave any of them out of your Will, leave each specifically a single dollar so they cannot easily contest the Will by saying you forgot to include them. Godspeed
I can understand your feelings Lisa my parents and brother told me the day I married don't come back. But praise God you are isolated to take the decision that will help you. thanks to one uncle who loved me so much I got out nearly 20 years ago with my children who are grown without the trauma to the extent if I had remained, and thanks to lovely people like you and michelle lee who gave my malady a name. now thank the lord Jesus I help other people who are in the same position, be blessed.
This video is so validating to me. Just when you think you are alone in feeling or perceiving that something is not right with a relationship dynamic, it's good to hear it in words. Very healing...thank you for the clarification.
Wow. This is THE best video on this subject I have seen in the four years since I woke to Narc Abuse! Once again you are on a roll, Lisa. Your examples, explanations, and analogies (love the broken toe analogy!) are so intuitive and empowering. It made it even more clear in my mind that a Narc will only ever see you as the one who victimized them. You have a wonderful natural skill of knowing what we need to hear and how we need to hear it. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!
Thank you Lisa Romano! Excellent video...you always hit home runs with explaining how these narcs dysfunction...and what they will do next. I've learned so much from your videos!
I have a sister who is a narcissist she is the most awful person, she loves to be in control & she has turned all of my family against me. So I just don't want her ever in my life.
Thanks so much for this! So hard to understand the complete betrayal that happened after over 30 years of marriage and the ability to turn my own family members against me hardest part to understand. This helps so much!!
I so understand. Been there with my mother. She turned my sisters against me. She’s passed now but I have no relationship with my sisters. That what she wanted for me to be alone after she was gone. I’m very happy in my life now. The pain is gone. The one that caused my despair is no longer alive to continue her attacks against me.
My (possible) narc mom turned some family against me after I finally went no contact with her after the last straw from years and years of emotional abuse, but she was doing that behind my back while I was still having contact so there was no winning. It was devastating for a long time but as time goes by I am coming into some peace that feels kind of scary as it is new to me. I now see that she can treat me like someone she thinks I am and tells others who she thinks I am, BUT I still keep on living as who I really am. I am me not the figment of me she has in her head. She could never see me. Or didn't want to.
Narc's construct a false image of you in their heads (esp narc parents) and then they project all their unwanted evil onto that false image. It's a kind of human trash can they construct of you.
How do I know if I’m trying to get others to see their narcissism, or if I’m just starting a smear campaign against my partner? How do I know if I’m in a psychologically abusive situation or if I am damaged from my past..
Omg I totally get you... I'm in the exact same situation but after the discard. He's turning everyone against me, yet he was cheating and left me in the cruelest way after 7 years for someone else. Nobody knows this but a few. It didn't last long. He's angry if I tell anyone the truth, plus he denies it and his hatred for me esculates to rage. This is the worst break up I've ever encountered. I weighed 73 pounds at Christmas and my brain feels like it doesn't function properly at all anymore. The anxiety is hellish. I feel like when I'm trying to defend myself and it's so frustrating that people cant see the real him. But it makes me feel like I'm doing the smear campaign as well. I dont want to do that, but I'm tired of being silenced.
Definitely in a longer relationship then I should have been. I am learning through your videos, books, understanding all the stages the love bomb, discard, slow emotional abuse that starts out small then it builds up. It was a tortuous decade year of emotional abuse when I was told I was crazy because I responded with anger after she never took responsibility for their actions.
The best video I ever heard. I have neighbor who destroy my life. They took away everything such as my dignity, morality and health. They are away play victims all the times. These couple would go around and told lies to people.
My family and spiritual family was poisoned. All of them. While I was dying of cancer. Though I am still here(!) My thought is "May our Creator rebuke" this older sibling for doing so. No contact. Permanent. Those complicit with the smearing of my entire life to everyone that is on them Even in their silence they are complicit. Quite a sad way to learn who your friends are.
Nailed it here. I have gone through this myself also. The good news, i understand now. We do not have to be anyones whipping post. But we have to be able to speak truth in love.♡
Best description of this cruel presence. I wish I wasn’t 80, to have found out the answers to my “failure” to love. I have wasted my whole life, & all because I was persuaded to despise myself to make the underdog feel he was special, when he was crazed by his terrible childhood, & needed to vent with terror & violence, upon me, in punishment for being white.
And they wish the worse for you. They will go out of their way to make it happen. They will say that it is all in your head when it is not. It all starts with them telling you how they are better than everyone including you. This will drive you to hate the narcissist when you realize what a liar they are.
Thank you again for this information. My ex-husband with narcissistic traits was poisoning my daughter mind behind my back and when I would call her, she would be very mad at me years ago. I asked her why and she said she doesn't even know. I remember thinking I heard my ex say things to her, but it was so quiet and so quick.. It was like you said on one of your other videos "did you say something? or what was that? 'I just figured out what was happening by watching one of your videos. Everything was on point.
Have you had contact or known a narcissist with munchausen by proxy tendencies? I am convinced the narc in my circle is guilty of this, its the way "she loves" the child. I'd love to hear your prospective on this.
Um. I'm very sure that my roommate who orchestrated me being STUCK here.. he chops off every attempt to leave.. he chops every autonomous move I make! And NOBODY can hear my pleas for help!! He's killing me!! I finally finally got enough locks on my room because he sneaks in and tampers with my food and drink! He used to just pass me out and rape me. Thank God for 'no memory' but the handprint bruises etc were there. Well I think I blocked him and he's seething. So now he's just poisoning me and the cat. I'm so lethargic. Losing hair. Deeply ridged nails. And he ads something to lotion and shampoo that completely dries you out. My face wrinkles got way horrible until I figured this out. Wtf is it??? But now I'm getting too tired to even save myself since it's only me and no one believes me. So foggy in the brain. Heart verging on heart attack and lethargic. Then he says I'm using him cuz I just sleep all of the time. WAAAA he's mthr fog killing me and im getting blamed. THIS is my life????!!? And my dad said I should quit victimizing myself. I don't understand. I mean, this world created police departments because of crazies. And we have tv stations featuring killers and everyone loves to watch. But they're all missing the story going on right in front of them. These people aren't just arguers who crave discord. Liars who spin webs. They are predators who hunt you and suck you dry and refuse to 'lose.' and losing (to them) means you getting to be yourself. Or you walking away cuz of how bullshit their daily crap is. I don't even know what step to take. I have no one and nowhere to go. Looked Into shelters but I'm just a single woman who isn't getting punched. No kids living w me. No one will offer a couch or room for a few weeks. That's ALL I FKN NEED!!! I'm the flower that no one will pick because a dog keeps crapping on me. I'm saving samples of everything for testing but there's no money for that now. And I have no "proof" to go to cops. He obviously steams ALL of my mail open. People freaking LAUGH at me!! And he spies and hacks all of my devices. See?? Now I sound like a paranoid conspiracy theorist. That's what he's told everyone I am. If he's going to kill me then with my last ounce of energy I'm going to have to kill him first then me. So I can (still) look like the bad guy but I can save the next victims. Right!? Oh don't worry. First and most I will try to escape. I'm talking about....nothing, I guess. I'll be too tired to think if it's my last breath. WHAT DO I DO??????
I raised 2 narcissistic sons. Oh how I'm learning about how their abusive ways with me. My siblings, they've all turned against me. This is 100% accurate description of this whole scenario. It's painful still. They think I'm crazy because I'm in therapy because of the abuse. Everything you mention Lisa is 100% what's happened in my life. I'm healing still. It literally is better to have better health than to die. I have scleroderma and a bunch of other autoimmune diseases. I'm healthier without any of them and the triangulation and manipulation. 59 years and I'm here because I'm a warrior. I am nobodys burden.
I had to post this. Its vital information. Im so glad youre in a healthy space now Lisa to be able to share your experience with us. So many can relate.
Right on the money Lisa! My narc. sister has turned her family against me. She denies the abuse our father perpetrated and blames me, the only person to ever stood up to defend her.
My narc hired a therapist specifically that agreed with her - terrible therapist - it was just awful. I was forced to apologize over and over again. Hours of it, only to have the narc at the very end that she didn't accept my apology. Understand, I had nothing to really apologize for, it should have been the other way around. But she declared herself the victim so therefore I needed to apologize. I licked dirt for that person. Talk about evil.
Lisa, could you suggest how to find a qualified therapist for this exact reason? I can't tell you how many times I was made to apologize for things that were outside of my actions, in other words, behavior that was initiated and stirred up by others, then to keep peace, and be the bigger person, apologize no matter what thoughts and feelings were on the topic. So much for speaking up for one's self for those who believe in honesty and integrity, only to be met with comments like, "You never know who will be your boss someday." Its really important that people not only recognize when these behaviors happen, but to also have the right kind of qualified person to help them change patterns, so they do not continue to be subjected to this kind of repeat pattern in the future. I've learned over many years, but people shouldn't have to endure situations to "keep peace" as they lose their own quality of self.
Just found you and you are absolutely spot on describing my narcissist down to a T. I've never known such a sensitive ego, spiteful, vindictive and entitled person in my life.. Thank You for sharing your knowledge with us. Just found you and subscribed 👍
