The origin story of procrastination, self-sabotage, & fleeing from health 

Sometimes a video crosses your feed that can change your life and provide the key to unlock what has been one of the biggest mysteries of your life… 💡🌈 Now I can reframe my recurrent “what’s wrong with me” bewilderment with more compassion for myself. My trauma doesn’t stem from childhood; it originated within a marriage to a narcissist and raising two children with special needs and their perpetual dysregulation. I’m out of that relationship but repeatedly retraumatized by my children’s behaviors and attempting to co-parent with my ex. I was in survival mode for over a decade and continue to be re-triggered. Learning about the ways to understand and reframe that chapter of my life will definitely empower me to finally get some traction and stop fleeing from health.

In my opinion self-sabotage is a way of proving that even though we are trying, bad things are usually happening to us which is kind of comfortable, saving ourselves from bad surprises. And of course bad things can happen to us from time to time but the basic idea is supposed to be that we are capable to do things in the right way! Thank you for this video 😊

Being raised with a lot of shame and guilt, I was in a perpetual state of freeze where I had no foresight. Therefore I couldn’t set goals or feel any sense of ambition or motivation until in my late 20’s when I chose sobriety. Majority of my 20’s was a pattern of failed friendships and jobs, poor moral compass, living in survival mode essentially. Learning about the nervous system, practicing yoga and doing talk therapy has helped so much to let go of this shame that was placed onto me by my very unhealthy parents that exhibited narcissism and emotional immaturity. My system adapted to the environment of chaos with depression, anxiety and dependency on alcohol. I really wish it didn’t take so long or go through so much hardship to get to this point. Took me a long time to understand why I felt so emotionally shutdown and isolated but when I look at the caregivers and how they cope today, it was a indicator that I had to dive deep into my childhood where it all began.

I needed this today ☺️ I’ve explained my situation like this,… Imagine standing, I move my Right foot to the left where I’m excited about going/doing something new, and in a split second, my Left foot steps back, instructing me to fall back in line where I feel ‘Safe !!! At 59, my groove runs so deep, I feel paralyzed to do anything new 😚. I feel restless to get out my old paint brushes and perhaps start a new side business, but my self-sabotaging mentality and perfectionism leads the way to a halt, every time…

I do. Both of my parents were alcoholics who didn't care about me. With an alcoholic, alcohol is #1. Now I catch myself being self- destructive. I will ruin things for myself.

Spot on on that fitness analogy. As a fitness instructor I've clearly seen that pattern. From an IFS perspective, I'd think those protector driven ideas of change is coming from the need to feel good enough through a goal, future, improvement and dopamine driven mindset. However that pathway might burned out just like a bonfire without much stable wood and you only aid gas. A more healthy approach to things like weight loss would come from a more balanced and holistic perspective where ones self esteem for one, wouldn't be so dependant on external results - and that those other protector parts "pulling in the other end of the rope" would calm down. Those other parts seem to block people from ever reaching their goals due to those familiar comfort zones you mentioned and their own strategies to create protection by things like isolation, procastination and/or over eating as a way of self medicating through as hormonal pathway. In reality that of course masks the feelings and symptoms that the person should stay more with and pay attention to. I meet a lot of people who overtrain as well (also to compemsate for overeating in some cases), which to me is just another way of fleeing. Instead of those dopamin and adrenaline taxing fuels, they should work on their traumas and through those probably easy into more "serotonin" driven pathways instead. At least in my mind, I'd link that with being more appreciative of what you've got and who you are. But if you are always on the run (persuit) how can you then grow any roots? This is not to mention the possible "down-up" disruption of peoples own inner serotonin pharmacy.

This explains a LOT.

I would like to say.....maybe you'd address this seperately....but I think it's very connected. Even when you know you have done everything you could to actually NOT sabatage....when the trauma is still stuck even circumstances that are "completely beyond your control" also fall into this category. Stuff that really honestly....just "happens"......as frequently is a result of the hidden trauma. This is sooooo important to my life. Because it's very hard to come to terms with. And it's very spiritual. And others will say self sabotage....BUT.....it's soooo unconscious and so circumstantial......even others behaviour....that you can absolutely have no control over often at play. (and the stories are too long to tell here). And I LOVE the video and your work!.......this is just coming to light in my life. And it's soooo very powerful. Because for years people have been saying.....self sabotage to me. But in many of these cases.....I had been continual working very hard to do well for myself.....BUT.....it's about....... the resulting self esteem issue that sooo just in the fabric of ones personality!! And the resulting lack of love and trust for ones self.

Spot on….so true.

Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤️

Back in the day I could control my heart rate and blood pressure by thinking about it. I had brought into my life many narcissists. They have done a-lot of damage. I have been in the desert for 3 years. I am going to get my house back. It is in San Diego.

Thank you Irene for this video. I love it! I am in 21 tune up and i see the difference. Its subtle and powerful at the same time. All whar you have mentioned here makes so much sense to me. Just wanted to send my gratitude ❤

This makes sense. Thankyou.

My abuser says I'm my own worst enemy. But they sre. And the things they complain about, my migraines, procrastinating, starting projects and not finishing them, clutter; turns out he caused them all. Who cares what he says. He's a liar. And if i were so awful, why does he claim my accomplishments as his own? Why does he pretend to be me?

If we build pathways of more regulated behavior, will that become more automatic over time, instead of those less healthy behaviors?

9:38 why? 12:28 I think from 13-16 I was always either doing chores or was on restriction. Certainly did not deserve joy. My mom just confessed to me that she hated turning 40. So, her misery projected onto me, I guess.

This description is exact. Do you also have a video of how after decades of being (coping in societally acceptable ways, like work achievement), still the trapped trauma comes forth like a shot. Is that pattern common?

Brilliant.

Thank you for this video❤ Really resonates with me.🙏

Thank You Irene 😊

inferior is my survival position, leaving it is too threatening to be "better", so I resist.

Thank you for this ❤

One question please...I have never heard anybody raise this topic. . . . does fasting assist in any way shape or form when it comes to the release of trapped survival stress? Just looking for anything that can force or speed up this process , although I'm assuming that the speeding up might add additional stresses on your nervous system. If you could kindly advise please, thank you.

What’s the fix? I didn’t catch it.

Irene, is it possible to focus on self-sabotage and procrastination with specific tools inside the smart body, smart mind program? I am a new alumni. : ) Thank you.

I find myself feeling more grounded daily however I also feel pretty numb emotionally… is this how coming out of freeze feels like? I have more energy but no motivation, is weird

That self-sabotaging thing happening less often has something to do with having less survival stress? Or they are 2 different things?

✨❤️✨

I am on the wait list for SBSM and would like to know if it is beneficial for 'gifted' trauma? I imagine that trauma is universal in its effect and that SBSM will help with this but just thought it worth asking.

Could you give me the link of this program on your website plz