This is the only explanation I got that is very true. I was such a people pleasure & codependent. I use to be late on each & every occasion, at school, college, etc. Now I'm no more a people pleasure I'm very punctual, and I hate being late.
I’m having the hardest time understanding why I would do that. Why would I hurt other people to gain control. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone.
If you think that way, you are not any of these. I don't think you should be listening to this guy because he is talking a lot about narcissism. Though he may be an elegant man, he is not the kind of information you should be looking for. If you are really looking for improvement, you should find advice and understand why. Not because you have some mental health disorder.
My late husband and his entire family were the worst at time management! It was simply his way of avoiding what he didn’t want to do … he suffered from oppositional behavior disorder. They all did it runs in families!
This is the first explanation that makes sense for all the people I have known over the years that are chronically late! I have heard suggestions that “they didn’t care” sufficiently about whatever they were late for but that never made sense to me - they care about their children’s play etc. so why would they be late? This will help me be more understanding towards them in the future ❤ I am NEVER late so always found it incredibly disrespectful of others to be late.
In the Army we were charged for being late. Civillians know it as a lack of respect, & yes things can happen.But thinking of tardiness as a power trip is not correct...some late ones have personal probs. They should be helped. But in the cruel real world, if you don't make the gig you won't be booked again.
I was very early for everything (I suffer from ADHD) before I ended up marrying an abusive person. After all the abuse I noticed I’m late everywhere I go mostly, this makes sense!
Kenny, you have just unlocked the conflict I have with my sister. She ALWAYS makes people including family wait. My solution, after years of telling her that her passive aggressive games need to stop . . . Is to walk away and TAKE CONTACT. That has REALLY helped. She can't play anymore games against me.
This explains so well why I’m always late. My parents have put so much responsibilities in my younger years that I felt I have lost so much power in my early years. Now, I’m chronically late to mostly everything 😢 that when faced with consequences specially at my job, I feel so ashamed of myself and just make excuses in my head the reason why I’m late, either the traffic or things I had to do before I had to get to work. I need help before I get fired from my job. I just got a warning that if I keep my tardiness for the next 3 months, I will have to get written up that will stay in my records for about a year and then eventually get fired if I don’t address this bad habit of mine. I feel like I suffer from adhd sometimes because I lose track of time a lot when getting ready for anything. Thank you for this video! I believe recognizing that I have an issue is the first step.
I started "pretending " to be an on time person who built in an extra 10 minutes ( or more if there's traffic involved) into the schedule. It might mean getting up a bit earlier. "Pretend" meaning- I never believed I could change!
Now that I’m in my 30s I find it annoying to be late and not communicate it ahead of time. It’s so disrespectful of the other persons time but I can give grace if you tell me ahead of time and also don’t make it a habit 😵💫
As a codependent, I always wanted to be ahead of schedule. So at least 5 minutes before the meeting. I hate waiting and being ignored and that's what people give me most of the time.
I hate being late, was always late but learning to get better. Lifetime of abuse causes a neural pathways of disregulation - it's like suddenly wearing a snorkel mask, being in a bubble, with visual impairment and chaotic thoughts screaming in your head - your hands don't work properly, you can't use logic or think straight and your heart races thinking I'm going to be late BUT I've not done enough, don't look right, have forgotten something I or the children need... this from a lifetime of being treated like we are "less than a nothing" no matter how much we do or cope with its never enough. The dread of the tirade of abuse on arrival eventually infiltrates every appointment we leave for. Lambs to the slaughter is all we've known - physically shaking as I type. No contact from toxic abusers is the only way to begin healing. The suit is lovely and makes your eyes stand out. Ignore mean narcs! ❤️🙏
What if the cause of lateness is anxiety around being too early and not having good foresight about what to do when early or where things are or if I'll be abandoned as the only one there.
Actually im always late for classes because I love catching moments, and have to had done routine things like plan, drink tea, makeup, selfcare.. today for example I was late because i saw beautiful ring at shop exposition, and had to buy it. But last week i saw wonderful black sqirrel and take picture of it.. I know its childlish and egoistic, but i'm on my early 20's and i don't want to spend this beautiful life on running nowhere. Fortunately, no one seems to have problem with that, they call it's my hallmark, I thank god im surrounded by such great lovely people
I am a timekeeper and long suffering colleague of a 'timebender'. I have come to a firm conclusion that being late at work place is a subtle exertion of power and domination. All you need to do is to point it out point blank to the timebender and make him/her realise being late is a sign of weakness and not strength.
As a timebender (only for some stuff) and someone that considers himself to be quite good at what I do for a living, being late sometimes is my way of never being controlled by situations or other people. Somehow I am just showing others that I work hard because I believe in what I do but that I will only do it balancing the rules with living in my own terms. I see compulsive timekeepers or timebenders as necessary opposites in the workplace but not right or wrong per se, as long as the job gets done and all parties are happy with the results… anything goes
Quick question….my spouse is a textbook (for the most part) covert narcissist. We have 2 young daughters and their mom will sabotage them and herself in every scenario that involves time. She knows that they need to leave the house at 2 to be somewhere by 3. In the hours leading up to the time of departure she will piddle aimlessly with busy work. Then as everyone is ready to walk out the door at 2 she stressfully says she will be ready as soon as she throws in a load of the girls laundry. And like clockwork (no pun intended) she is late getting the girls to their appointment. If anyone dares to complain her favorite saying is….”well, someone has to do the laundry, it won’t do itself”. So I guess my question is, can she be a cov narc plus what you described simultaneously? Can a 3rd option be a cov narc? Or are the two that you talked about the only options? Sorry if this is a common sense question. I’m trying to learn as much as possible. Thank you
People who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can also experience codependency, due to the attention they're getting from their relationship. Since both conditions are rooted in an unhealthy reliance on other people, it's common to have overlap.
I mean, would anyone else actually do the laundry if she didn’t? You know it takes hours to do laundry for a whole family and maybe this “busy work” as you call it is actually essential shit that she’s struggling to get done in her role to provide. Just a theory but what if you offered a hand and took care of the laundry while you’re waiting around trying to figure out what’s wrong with her? Maybe you just gave a really poor example scenario and I’m not saying it’s justified if it’s always making you late but the way you described it, honestly makes you seem like the narcissist.
@@mikeg1433 busy work meaning…making sure behind the TV is dusted, rearranging a dresser cuz she likes the lamp to be 6 inches to the left, organizing the DVDs how she likes them etc. That laundry?…it’s nothing that is time sensitive. Sure laundry takes time, just like anything. But she would rather complain about being “busy” than nothing to complain about. Complaining about (blank) draws more attention and fosters more victimhood than solving or fixing (blank). It used to be the dishes. So I took over taking care of the dishes. However any chance she got, she was doin the dishes. When asked why she was doing them? “Am I not allowed to do the dishes”. People like this aren’t looking for solutions. They use guilt tripping to seek attention and gain control while using the victim card. If I am home during these times of self sabotage, are you suggesting I randomly ask her if any laundry needs done while she decides if she likes the cokes on the 2nd or 3rd shelf in the fridge? The point of this example wasn’t the laundry. I’m not diminishing it’s importance. My point was she uses things like that to sabotage others while creating negative consequences for the everyone involved. If you are taking me to the airport in 2 days but spend the next 2 days doing yard work while not putting gas in your car….is yard work unimportant? No. But are you going to use that as the excuse why I was late to the airport? No.
I am never late in Mexico because i can feel the sun. Here there is so much value placed on time yuc. i do hate being late but get such horrible anxiety Then there is the avoidant because I just don't want to deal with people. Also, transition anxiety is the real deal
I’ve watched this many times, but Kenny, could you giveme your opinion on this? I had a friend who was just a horrible planner - he’d make plans and cancel at the very last minute, so my night/day would essentially be over. I was fed up and told him to fuck off and blocked him. A year later, he calls me from a blocked number. Asks to hang. Guess what? Same wishy washy bullshit. This time I was really pissed because he went out of his way to contact me, only to pull the same bullshit. At this point I told him off and how shitty of a friend he was. So what is this? A sick power play? He didn’t gain anything from it except a cussing out (from my perspective anyway)
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Well a guess would be the yelling was the point maybe he had some type of belief where he's unworthy of his friendships & they all don't like him so when he's late he's pressured maybe addicted to the guilty/shame of it & you yelling at him & breaking up with him maybe allowed his brain to be like "See! Told you!" and basically it's a confirmation all of this is unknown to him of course yet this could be something of what was happening. Low self worth, the belief he doesn't deserve/can't hold/can't keep friends, too much intimacy/bonding with friends is too much his system needs to shut it down cuz it's scary arms length relationships are safe or comfort zone, canceling at the last moment can denote anxiety yet can also be a sign of chronic conditions that effect the energy & still others will lean into that's an unconscious power play or taking back control, could also show poor boundaries from him he said yes to you when it should've been a no, ect.
I find i'm chronically late with only select things I keep wanting and trying to be on time yet I'm late & this is a group event they aren't waiting on me. So I'm unsure how this is gaining power I thought it was an issue with the host yet that's healed yet I'm still late. I wonder if it's distance I'm making yet i'm not a falsely empowered codependent can it still be distance yet with the under empowered?
People are often late because they are unselectable losers who have no sense of professionalism or how their actions negatively affect themselves or other people. In ancient tribal society, these unreliable and unskilled people would have been ousted from the tribe and would have more than likely starved. These days, people like that are often babied by parents and the welfare state.
I disagree. I may be a couple minutes late, but I'm giving 110% my whole day at work. A coworker is always ON TIME but sits on his butt and gives 50 % effort the entire day and gets away with it. Please explain this logic
And admittedly, I almost turned off the video when I heard the word codependence because I was like I don’t fit in that category. I was actually mildly annoyed, but the more I listen ,the more this resonates with me
You can see what people value within this buisness, I have noticed how one sided the search is, just like years ago! Seems to empower preditors rather than people with an actual brain! Ever try healing?
