the pursuit & appeal of (MUCH) older men 

It's weird that society also use "daddy issues" as an insult towards women and not an acknowledgment of men failures as a father

Another thing to note is how society tells women that they mature faster than men, making women want to be with older men thinking that they'll be on the same maturity level

my mom got a lot of judgment for being the older one in the relationship when she was married to my dad which still strikes me as weird, considering she was only a few months older. but, my dad's current wife is 10 years younger than him and people say nothing to him about it. it just kills me that society is so harsh to women if they're older than their partners but it's so normalized for women to be with men older than them.

The healthiest relationship I've ever been in was with a man who was 8 years older than me. We broke up mutually due to differences in values and life goals. We are still great friends today. Age gap relationships often aren't healthy but they absolutely can be depending on a huge variety of individual factors.

as a society, we somehow think that women should be with older men. Women are told that “men who are older will treat you better,” which is not always the case. These types of relationships always creeps me out.

When I got my first boyfriend in college I told my roommates that it was his first relationship too and they all gave me funny looks and said "What? How are you okay with that, don't you want someone who's experienced?" Which baffled me because I saw it as something we had in common.

in grade school whenever i would tell the kids in my class that my dad was 2 years younger than my mom they were all slightly shocked. it’s crazy how this idea of an older man // younger women relationship gets implanted in our brains so young

My father is 46 and his girlfriend is 23. I am 16. We’re literally the same generation. Not weird at aaaaaaaall.

As someone who dates men with a 6-10 year age gap consistently, older men are rarely as mature as we hope them to be. They’re boys with more money and status. A good man isn’t determined by age.

All this video so true. Im 6 years older than my boyfriend and people are quick to pass judgment and some even told my bf he’s good looking so he could find someone way younger than me

So to leave something here. I'm a 19 year old male and almost always when I talk about dating with same age female friends they tell me, they wouldn't date someone their age. But then another time tell me how they think its weird when a guy goes for younger girls. I'm always dumbfounded at this logic

As someone who was groomed by a female teacher in high school and who never had a real Dad growing up, I can attest to a lot of what was said in this video. Older people have the ability to make you feel special and as a result you can become dependent on them for your self worth. Like, she would tell me "you're not like the other boys, you're so mature for your age, you're like an old soul, I love the way your brain works." They prey on your insecurities and hype you up as a way to take advantage of you. But the longer the relationship goes on the more you realize how the difference of age and experience affects it. Once she realized I was just a depressed kid who didn't know how to take care of myself, she started to treat me like she was my mum and was constantly complaining and nagging about things I hadn't done and was always disappointed in me. I was extremely depressed at the time our relationship started, and years down the line, when I was still depressed and had no job or goals in life, all this nagging made me feel like I was worthless. The worst part was she used sex and my feelings of loneliness as a manipulation tactic to get me to do things for her. She never actually loved me or cared about me. She just wanted to use me for her own benefit. And I mean, I did the same thing to her, but I just didn't know any better. No one taught me what love was.

as someone happily in an age gap relationship, i find the most important thing is to acknowledge and stay aware of the power imbalances. the red flag is not an age gap relationship itself, but how the couple treats their age gap. you start go get into trouble when you ignore the possibility of manipulation and think your relationship is no different from everybody else's

As a girl in her 20s once said to me, "To a guy my age I'm just another girl. To an older man, I'm a prize."

As a Kenyan I’m happy you’re talking about this bc it’s literally so common place for this to happen and they literally call the old man a “sponsor” and we’ve become so desensitized to it that it’s a comedy skit on Kenyan RU-vid I find it very predatory in my country especially because them being richer makes it harder to hold them accountable in society and in the law because some of the time these relationships aren’t really consensual

As a young woman who has only dated older men, I had always been worried about not being able to control how my body ages. The older men praised me on how perky my body part was and how I'm skinnier than those older women. Worse even, they'd say that younger female genitalia is nicer. All that along with those advertisements that mostly feature young beautiful models with no wrinkles made me feel so scared of becoming older as if it'd mean that I'm less desirable and valued. It also made me feel enraged about the fact that I can't control my worth meanwhile it's easier for men to just get older and wealthier (which seems to be what's desired in the broad society). So thank you for making this video which reminds me of keep on reflecting on myself and know that my worth should be intrinsic rather than extrinsic.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I pretty much exclusively dated older men, mostly because I believed the things discussed in this video. I thought that older men were more mature and established, and that guys my own age/younger were less mature and therefore unworthy. When I was 25 my boyfriend, who was 39 at the time, broke up with me because he "wanted to be alone", whatever that means. Shortly after I began dating a coworker who I had been friends with for awhile. He was 21, so 4 years younger than me. I was a little hesitant about dating someone younger since I had never really done so before, especially not someone 4 years younger. But I had known him for a couple of years by then, and we got along great, so I decided to give it a chance. It was like night and day. He seemed so free and happy. He didn't have tons of baggage from past relationships (or marriages and divorces, in a couple of my exes cases). He didn't have self esteem issues or act super possessive of me in front of other men. He had plans for pursuing opportunities rather than seeming "settled" and set in his ways. He was fun and light hearted. It must have been a good choice, because it has been almost 12 years since I made that choice and we're still together. Some women find happiness with an older partner, and that's awesome. But it didn't work out for me.

I think it’s only gets alarming when they actually want to date a person of a certain age instead of being attracted to some who happens to be that age

All the men I've known who pursue much younger women only have a facade of stability and maturity, under which you find a mess of emotional issues and immaturity.

Thanks for tackling a taboo issue in a level-headed, measured way. Our culture has become so addicted to outrage it's difficult to speak forthrightly about the actual, complicated dynamics in our relationships, and it becomes much easier to label and shame anything that disrupts our little boxes we make for ourselves. It seems so strange to me that even as we say that society and culture is progressing, it feels like we take shame and judgement as our starting point.

I’m an older guy with no money! I am breaking this stereotype 🙌

When I was a teen, i fantasized over being validated by an older man. Creeps will take advantage of the "mature for her age" girls. Glad this is being talked about more often

My ex is 7 years older than me, so you can imagine my face of surprise when she asked me out on a date. I was 21 she was 28 at the time. Never did I once think that a woman close to 30 would find a dude younger than her brother attractive. And let me tell you there was a stigma. Not so much on her part but on mine. We had met through work and many of my co-workers were concerned that I was too immature for her and I would end up getting “bored” with her and eventually cheat. Nope. I actually liked dating someone that had their life a little more put together and we ended up moving in together(her idea). Funny part is that she ended up cheating on me. Such is life.

The great thing about your viedo is that when a contrapoint or an idea comes to my mind, you adress it in the 10 seconds that follows. This is excellent writing and development.

The interesting thing is that all the "benefits" to dating older men that you listed off actually feel like downsides to me. I'm 22, and like most early twentysomethings I don't quite have my life together yet. If I were to date an older guy who does, I would constantly worry that he won't be able to relate to my situation anymore, think less of me or outright patronize me. Same goes for significantly more experience, sure, that person will likely mess up less but I fear they might hold that experience over my head and try to shape me into their ideal partner or something. Partners should be equals, and if I can't grow together with mine, I don't want them, thank you.

I was talking with my friends about how it’s weird that girls like older men, that it’s a weird societal norm, and they were asking me “well don’t you want someone who can take care of you?” Uh maybe both partners should take care of each other! Mind blowing, apparently. It’s so weird that we’ve made a paternalistic relationship ideal when we should want one between equals.

As a dude this stuff is definitely eye opening. When women and men discuss social issues they are clouded by the fog of socially imposed gender dynamics. Also we tend to get tribal and want to defend “our side”. To hear such a nuanced perspective is really interesting. Way better content than those alpha dude podcasts that say money and power is all a man can and should offer while a woman should offer submission. I feel like most of the best advice I’ve ever gotten has been from women. Keep it up ladies

I hate these societal expectations on women. I just want to grow up in a loving relationship with a guy my age without fearing he’ll see me as undesirable later on! 😢

Liz Gillies relationship grosses me out. He knew her when she was a kid too. You can’t convince me most of these young women aren’t grooming victims.

I think a large part of the appeal of age gap relationships is rooted in the history of, well, women. People forget young girls were often conditioned to believe that older men were more stable, providing, and well-rounded to justify large power imbalances and pedophilia. Because straight women (in a heternormative generalization) tend to value more holistic aspects of relationships-mostly out of historical necessity and financial dependency-the youth/appearance of a man was only a small factor in a long list of them: ability to support a family, career, “maturity”, family name, etc… these are vast overgeneralizations, but it functions as an overview of ideal (and upperclass) patriarchal systems. Whereas men valued women for three sole reasons; their beauty, child rearing capabilities, and subservience. This cultural trend never truly disappeared, it simply transformed. Social double standards in development stages often result in accelerated emotional maturation of girls in comparison to their male counterparts, which reinforces their opinion that older men are better. Plus the influence of society telling girls they should be attracted to older men, for all the reasons stated above. Edit: I wanna also wanna add Hollywood has a huge bone to pick with aging women. This subconsciously contributes to the culture of age gap relationships. When most of the media a girl is consuming involves a very young woman with an older man, it’s going to influence her preferences. Just the other day, o was watching Popeye the Sailor and was astounded at the blatant age difference in Olive Oil and Popeye; and while people may have plausible deniability that it’s a kid’s show, it becomes a lot creepier when taking into account the stories are written by aging and old men. And this isn’t an isolated incident by any means-most films cast women 10 - 20 years, if not more, younger than their male partners (ex. The new James Bond movie literally cast a romantic interest that could be his daughter’s age). Combined with the fact that society fetïshizès female youth to a nearly ped ophilic degree (ex. Betty Boop being literally 14 with a child’s face and somehow a pinnacle of sèx appeal), it’s not coming out of left freaking field that girls are commonly attracted to older men. It’s designed by them, for them. No, I don’t think looking like an underage teenager is the height of my séxûal maturation, but apparently society does.

When I think about me in my teens, I see now how much of a child I was and I thought I was such a grown up. If you're a young girl, know this: a guy in his 40s that says you're too mature for your age or that seem to treat you as "an adult" has a lot more problems than you realize.

Most men will feel attracted to an attractive young woman (not a child obviously) and it's very much based on instinctual reasons like fertility, so it's not weird , just a natural behaviour... The same could be said on the female side, being attracted to an older confident man, that can provide resources and security and eventually also provide a lifestyle, she'd have to still wait many years to reach. At the end of the day, if they're both consenting adults it's ok, just deal with it.

Also in many cultures women after 25 are considered too old 🤢 as if you are a product who has passed it's expiration date

My boyfriend is 1,5 years younger than me and when my grandparents found out they were like: omg really? wow! thats so different, he’s so young. But when my brother had a girlfriend of 4 years younger they didn’t say anything about it. We are taught from a young age that the “man” should always be older than the woman in a relationship. That’s so weird.

Thank you for discussing how certain phrases such as daddy issues doing nothing but add unneeded humor to a very serious issues

its just creepy, i feel like throwing up every time i see a young woman with an old guy

it's conditioned to girls at a young age bc my sister and i grew up with my mom and other guiding figures saying "boys are more immature than girls" and it rlly affects how we think abt romantic partners.

You date older men for the money. I date older men because I work with Chris Hansen. We are not the same.

New Girl explores this with the character, Dirk, who Nick deems “the smartest guy I know.” Dirk is an English professor who is old enough to have a law degree, as well, and whenever he gives lectures, he has a series of college students fawning after him. Nick, noticing this, asks Dirk what this is about and, after Dirk explains the appeal of 30-something-year-old men to 18-22-year-old girls/women, Nick decides that he wants in and he, too, begins pursuing Dirk’s students. They are impressed with him because of his ability to perform basic tasks; one of these girls/women is impressed that Nick, an unambitious bartender, can pour a drink. This is, presumably, because this girl/woman is under 21 (legal drinking age in the US,) thus enhancing the power imbalance. [SPOILERS FOR NEW GIRL] Compare this to Nick’s love interest, Reagan, who is also a PhD-holder in her 30s and has an even more powerful career than Dirk. Nick-as well as probably Winston and Cece, but to a lesser degree-thinks that Reagan is “hot.” Nick, like the college girls/women who were impressed with him, is impressed with Reagan’s basic ability to mix a drink. However, there is no power imbalance because they are roughly the same age. Notice that the initial reason for Nick’s attraction to Reagan was physical: she walks in the hospital, dramatic music plays, and Nick checks her out, acting as if she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is not during the moment immediately after that, when Reagan is a powerful businesswoman who can persuade the doctors into giving the best medicine to the patients, that Nick first finds Reagan attractive; in fact, some of the side-effects of the medicines the doctors were prescribing before Reagan walked in (“butt sneezing”) are played for laughs. It is only episodes later, right before Nick and Reagan’s first kiss, that Nick describes to Reagan, after acting goofy around her for her entire stay at the loft, why she is “hot,” reasons which don’t pertain to physical appearance. I don’t remember all of them, but one of them is that she is “mean,” and he doesn’t say anything about her being a financially successful woman who is good at adulting, even though, at this point, Nick hasn’t even sold “The Pepperwood Chronicles” and Reagan is, in fact, financially successful and good at adulting. Compared to Dirk, Reagan does not have any younger people wanting to pursue her. A lot of men and women appear to be attracted to her, but they are all in their thirties. Dirk, however, at the time he was hooking up with a myriad of female students, didn’t have his life nearly as together as Reagan, but young women practically worshipped him for it. It makes you wonder how society views women, especially in correlation to age and life experience, versus how society views men. Dirk and Nick-especially Nick-did the bare minimum and, to younger people of their desired gender, are seen as these ultimately attractive men, while Reagan, whose educational background is similar to Dirk’s, is attractive, according to the show, because she is bisexual (I hate this trope) and surface-level things about her personality. Note how, when Cece tries to make Reagan less attractive to Nick, she resorts to the physical (“Reagan wears a wig”) instead of fabricating some character flaw. (Granted, Nick thought it was “hot that you kept a secret” when Jess “killed” Ferguson, so, perhaps a character flaw wouldn’t work.) I could write another paragraph about Nick and Jess’s infatuation with Russell and how the show treated that, as well as how the show treated Cece’s relationship with Buster, but I’ve already written a lot, so I’ll spare you

I hate how this video and these comments try to act like young women aren’t capable of chosing a partner without being “manipulated” and “pressured” and “groomed”- some of us were raised in a way where we DONT lack common sense. Like who you like if youre both consenting adults, many of these comments are brain dead. think for yourself for once

As someone who's family is full of age differences between couple I notices that women get so much shame for dating younger men. My grandmother was 10 years older than my grandpa and his family insulted her (she was also a widow so that didn't help her either) for doing it even when he was an grown ass adult by that point (he had 3 kids before her but he was in his mid 20s). However, my dad is seven years older than my mom and nobody said something and I was like ¿?¿? ¿? All the people in these examples were adults but for some reason you act weird when it's a women.

I don't understand relationships with large age gaps in the way that I can't imagine that there would be much in common in terms of interests. What do these people talk about? Even at 24 I wouldn't be able to bring myself to date a woman who's 18, 19 or even 20 because they're in such a different place in their life

Not sure how you popped up in my feed, but you have quickly become my favorite video essayist. Your delivery is clear and your approach to topics is even-handed.

At some point we have to decide if an 18 year old woman has the agency to make her own personal decisions. If yes, then there's nothing wrong with a relationship between an older man and a younger woman. If no, then why should we allow them emancipation and political franchise? Given we often hear that women mature faster than men, why shouldn't we allow young women to choose their partners, since we certainly allow 18 year old men to sign up to die for their country.

that reminded me of a guy i met earlier this year (thankfully we don't talk anymore) that i liked quite a lot. however, after finding out he was 22 (i'm 18 btw) instead of 19-20, i felt very intimidated about making more advances even though i am technically "legal" -he had work experience i didn't have, he'd already been in way more committed relationships, etc. it wasn't a really big age gap, but the difference in life experience was noticeable despite him being emotionally immature. some time after we stopped talking i found out he had actually been dating someone else even before we started talking to each other: a seventeen year old girl with whom he became "official" right after her 17th birthday. they are still dating now and i can't help but feel worried about that girl who's still in highschool with a whole-ass adult man. that just told me all the lines he was willing to cross.

I'm so glad you used Kenya as a case study. These kinds of relationships are very very very common here (I'm Kenyan). Everything you said is 100% true. Thank you for this video in general, so informative.

I think one thing that you forgot to mention is that a lot of guys do it because it's easier to start a relationship with a much younger girl because you have more life experience than the girl so that automatically makes you more attractive. These older men also know how to play exactly into the image the girl wants to see

My wife is almost 9 years older than me. I was 23 years old when we met. To be honest, I always found women around 30 more attractive than around 20. Soon I will be 40 and from my perspective 20 year old women are asexual as children.

I’ve dated men upwards of 15 years older than me but always settled down with a man within 4 years my senior. I feel the appeal of dating older men is way more attractive than the reality. I’ve found men in their late 30s-40s to be either emotionally broken, manipulative specially with younger women, or quite “out of touch”. They feel being financially stable is all they have to bring to a relationship, thus causing them lack in other areas. I find most of them boring too and lacking the zest of life, which is probably why they like younger women because it makes them feel young. My mum is 4 years older than my dad and I call her a cougar for laughs lol

I met my bf when I was 21, he was 31. It didn`t directly start out romantic. Met at work and used to talk a lot about different things while having breaks... so much that my boss got a little upset bc of my decreasing work hours. Nothing felt particularly sexually or romantic at the beginning, it more grew over time. Now we`re almost for 4 years together, moved in together after 1,5 years and have two cats. To be honest, the realtionship never felt like he has more power or I could easy manipuliate him with sex or something body related (i don`t really have any sexdrive). In the beginning I was considering here and there the age gap. Mostly because I was totally aware of the thoughts and opionions others might have about it. But at the same time we just worked really well together and even my parents, who absolutely did not like my ex (with almost no age gap) seemed to be approving of our realtionship because they saw, how we treated each other. Age isn`t just a number. People who say that propably never think about stuff like building a family or meeting each others family (his nephew is one year younger than me... that was fucking weird) or doing an event with both circles of friends and on and on.... There are many things you will be confronted with because of the gap and you schouldn`t be blind to it. At the same time I think, you can "overcome" the gap with compromisses, long talks about needs and wishes for your future and seeing how well/bad everything allignes to each other. He is not my sugar daddy - I am not his sugar baby. We`re two individuals trying to figure out what we want out of life and relationships.

When I was a teen, I remember my friends in theirs 13, 14, 15 years old dating twenties guys and I always thought how creepy It was for me twenties guys were adults and I saw myself as a child, but the most bizarre thing was how the mothers were happy with her daughters dating these guys because they had jobs, cars and etc. (I'm from Brazil so here we can only drive at 18, it's not common teens having cars and driving like in other countries). However when I was 17 years old, almost 18, I finished high school and I was starting college I fell in love with a 21-years-old guy, even the age gap not being that big I faced many of these power balance issues. He knew he was my first kiss and my first relationship so he was always reminding me how less experienced I was, he already had relationships so he was always talking about his ex and comparing me with her, but the worst thing was how he was rude when I was a little shy at some moments and making clear that he wanted to cross some boundaries with me because this is what people do in real relationships. I don't need to say that this relationship failed, he broke up with me saying that we were too different, maybe he didn't realize that yes we were different because I was just finishing high School and starting college and he was finishing college and already had a job. Now I have boyfriend who is 31 and I'm 27, almost 28, and things are so easier, we had finish college, we are in the same phase of our lifes, we are in equality and nobody talk about exes and past. He is older than me, but we are in the same moment of our lives. I can't see how two people in different life moments can work in a relationship, and even nowadays media is still romanticizing Younger women with older men.

as an 18 year old guy I want to say that men aren't mature by age we just get older. We bullshit with each other the same way 12 year old boys do. Same bullshit happens between 40 year olds for example. Yes it gets different when a young man and an old man are together but as I grow older and hang around younger guys, I can say that I get the same joy when they say stupid shit when I used to when I was young, it is just that I now know that these things are stupid and silly and not to be taken seriously.

My ex cheated on me with an 18 year old girl and he’s 25 years old. That was all I needed to know to know what kind of guy he is and I cut him out. It’s sick because an 18 year old girl isn’t responsible for not knowing the dangers of sleeping with older men and it’s men who have the responsibility to put boundaries on who they see-but they won’t.

Holy shit, someone is finally talking about this. When I approached/turned 30, I became more popular with teens and women in their early 20s. I've even had two girls as young as 17 try flirting with me. Even just talking about these experiences makes people think that I'm flirting with teens, but they're approaching me. I'm genuinely weirded out by how these girls think they're mature enough to date someone in their 30s. All I'm saying is that someone should tell these girls that they are putting themselves at risk. RU-vid finally recommended me a good video, it's a miracle.

I dated a guy 10 yrs older than me and he REALLY loved the gender roles like being the provider and that kinda stuff... it was nice for a while until I realized he did it because he was trying to control me with the power dynamic. Right now my bf almost doubles my age but he is completely different... His mindset is pretty open and he doesn't consider important a lot of things the other dude did. I feel respected, not patronized. It really does depend on the person and the life situation you're going through. Thank God I'm able to support myself financially so I don't need anyone to do it for me. Independence, growth and respect are key.

As a lesbian, I would like to say that even within the lesbian community, a lot of us have crushes on older women. Like I was 12 crushing on 40 year old women.. my first relationship was when I was 16 with a woman 11 years older than me. I’m 21 and even now I’m still crushing on women significantly older than me even though I know it will likely not workout like my first relationship.

I'm a 29 year old male and can't see myself dating someone younger than 24. There are a few exceptions but most people younger than 24 would have almost nothing in common.

I actually avoided this dynamic with a partner BECAUSE of my daddy issues. My mom was abandoned by her boyfriend when they found out she was pregnant. She was left vulnerable as a single mom in a third world country. My step dad, who was 19 years older than her, used his exaggerated wealth, large age gap, and his race to take advantage of her. I saw how this unbalanced dynamics of power were damaging, and I didn’t want to be treated that way. Sometimes, he treated mom like one of the kids. That was awful to watch. I’m now with yes an older man, but two years older. And I didn’t want to go further than 5. Why? Because I wanted to be in the same life stage as them

I find the "older man are more mature" bit ironic because older guys' upbringing wasn't made to make them mature but it depends on what kind of maturity we're talking about. Providing? Hell yeah, they're supposed to be responsible and hard-working. Emotionally mature? No, not at all, many were taught to repress their emotions, use unhealthy ways to deal with them (like drinking), they oftentimes don't know how to communicate. If someone, as an older partner, takes the role of a mentor, they refuse to learn from their significant other - that's stagnation. How arrogant does one have to be to think they always know better. It's as if the other person has nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table and that's just insulting... their partner isn't there to fix their insecurities, to make them feel smarter, better etc.

As long as the younger person isn’t underage or an adult who first met the older person when they were still underage, I honestly don’t see a problem. My parents have a 20 year age gap and met when my mom was 30 and my dad 50, they’re now 53 and 73 and it’s totally fine. It would’ve also been fine had my dad been 30 or 40 year older. What wouldn’t have been is if she was 17 and he was 25. You see that what makes it bad is not the age gap but when people actually get groomed.

A lot of gay men also get attracted to older men who they call " Silver Daddies". A lot of straight guys (both Doms & Subs) get attracted to older women who they call MILFs. And a lot of lesbians also get attracted to older women who they call " Mommies"!!! So, there is not point to slap the daddy issues stamp, exclusively on straight girls. Being attracted to maturity, experience, success and development with age is a very common and natural thing.

I met my current boyfriend when I just turned 20 and he was about to turn 25, so our age gap is under 5 years. We were both students back then and our lifestyles were kinda similar, so the age difference meant nothing, but there was still one annoying fact. He was my first boyfriend ever (first kiss and so on) and he’d had multiple long term relationships. It was hard for me when he talked about his exes and I had literally no exes (besides my kindergarten boyfriend). I felt like a loser, I lied on several occasions trying to seem more experienced and mature. He helped me to deal with my insecurities and we are very happy now. I can’t imagine myself dating a 30+ year old man being in my late teens/early twenties. What if he had been married or had kids and I’d never even had my first kiss? Would I ever stop blaming myself for being so naive and inexperienced, failing to be on the same level with someone so far ahead of me?

I mean, if most women want older boyfriends, isn’t dating an older woman a much bigger accomplishment than dating someone younger? I hereby conclude that the true alpha move is to date women who are as old and successful as possible. Let’s go bois.

found you today and have been binge watching for 3 hours

me, 20 years old dating a 21 year old: "yeah i guess you could say i like older men" 😂

when my dad and mom started dating, they were 39 and 23. her family and him convinced her to marry 2 years later because of the pros you listed: maturity and financial stability. after married, he constantly made poor financial decisions; he wouldn't listen to my mom's advice, and sometimes she wouldn't even question him because "he has more knowledge, right?". he was constantly manipulative towards her too. at the dating phase he behaved so sweet and calm, and when i was a child he was the best dad ever, but when i became a teenager who thinks and questions, or when my mom questioned him, he would yell, curse and be aggressive. nowadays he deeply regrets his actions, because just *now* that i'm an adult he became *truly* mature. but his apologies can't erase the deep damage he gave to all of his family. at the end, the maturity found in much older men is only that: an idealization, a maturity only beneficial to the man's power and not to the women's well-being.

My best friend's college friend has been in a relationship for a long time. So my friend asked her when did she start dating her current bf. And it turns out that she was 13 and he was 21 🤮🤮🤮🤮 when they started dating. This is actual grooming like wtafffff mann.

When I was 23, a 19 year old guy crushed on me. We hung out quite a bit and I started to also fall in love with him. But I pulled away because of the criticism I’d get. I went on Reddit (bad idea) to vent my dilemma, in search of reassurance, but all I got was people accusing me of grooming and being a p*do despite him initiating all our hang outs. I would’ve loved to take care of him but I felt like it was wrong and that I’m obligated to date people older, and so I broke his heart by deciding to date a guy in his 30s, who just used me for s3x. It f*cking sucks being a woman sometimes. I just hope that wherever he is, he’s doing well now.

i remember many girls from my class in the 8-9th grade( 14 years old) would date men in their mid to late twenties and no one batted an eye for some reason, and i was the weird one for thinking it was very very weird

I don’t understand where the “daddy issues” became “cool” I never had a good relationship with my dad and always felt shamed instead of glorified. That’s interesting

The older and more experienced women get, the more they realise how inadequate a lot of men are in all areas of life and intimacy. I think that's another reason men seek out very young women and girls. Because they don't see how inadequate the man really is. They are too blinded by the mystique of an 'older man.' Edit: I'm talking from my own experience having been a teenager with older boyfriends and then seeing things in a different light as I grew up. These are often a specific type of man who preys on these younger/barely legal girls and it's easier to see all of the red flags in someone as an adult that you missed as a teenager. Thought I would explain this a little, seeing as some people are talking my words a little too personally in the replies below. I'm not talking about you, I don't even know you. But if you felt hurt by my comments, even knowing this, maybe you are an adult in a relationship with a teenager or have been? Is this why my comment hit so close to home?

I think there needs to be a long-form discussion about how maturity actually occurs in life. Because personally, I feel like I'm about 40 while also feeling like I'm about 16. I have parts of my life that I am mature in, but other parts where I'm still woefully immature. I would feel at ease dating a 40 year-old (but it wouldn't last probably) or an 18 year-old (but again, it probably wouldn't last). The reasons it wouldn't last would be because our personalities don't mix, which is an entirely separate issue to be honest. I am not sure how to find someone who meshes with my personality exactly, and dating apps and the like are not helping.

ive been ruminating on this topic for a while and i love how you conclude with a reflection on how we ~as a society~ place value on romantic relationships! it’s crazy how we know it’s our systems that don’t work but we haven’t reached a point where we’re collectively and actively changing them just yet 😮‍💨 fantastic video!

My dad is 7 years older than my mom, they met when she was 20 and he was 27, my dad never took advantage of my mom and always supported her in any situation, my mom also helped him in many ways, ofc I don't know all the details of their love story but after 25 years they are still together and are highly respected professionals and have their own money Sorry for my english

I'm a guy (23)who would prefer a women a bit older tbh (maybe 1to3 yrs), or the same age etc etc. Younger is cool too, but basically Someone who's around My age or maturity basically. Not a need to be dominant over her , not a need to be her father figure, but a lover and a best friend , and vice versa. Someone who can lead me when I'm lost, the same way I can also help her if I can. Someone I can lean on etc the same way she can lean on me and be vulnerable with me and vice versa, no imbalances or expectations. I feel this is what happier relationships ACTUALLY look like more often than not. And gender norms tend to fuck it up big time for alot of people.

I’m a guy who only dates women older than me… even since my teenage years. I always felt like there was a serious maturity gap between me and partners younger than me. Or they clearly wanted something FROM me instead of me as a person. As if I was just an empty canvas for them to project their idealistic image of a man onto. It just immediately felt unhealthy and imbalanced for me. These were just my experiences though.

Gonna throw it out there that “daddy issues” are also a false understanding of parent/child dynamics, and the gendering of those dynamics results more in stigmatization than a solution. There is so much more to how attachment types and parenting styles affect eventual development than just the gender of the caregiver/child.

"firm breats and tender bodies that are nice to touch." dear god we really are only valued for our physicality huh? that sentence felt so gross.

I feel like a lot of the so-called “pros” of dating older men are glorification or romanticization. My Dad is 10 years older than my Mom, still treated her like shit and she’s miserable as hell. No ladies, date whoever you want and treat you with respect regardless of age. I’ve met older and younger men, and older men can be unimpressive and predatory as hell.

Fiancé is 43, I'm 27. People give me more flack than him and assume I'm only with him for money. When we actually have a lot in common and I've never had better communication with another person... ever. It's not always superficial.

A gap of 10 years is surprisingly common in my workplace. My gf thinks it just takes that long for a male to mature in line with the female. For my part, men are like everyone else, we get better or worse with time. Emotional issues can either resolve resulting in more confidence, growth and maturity over time, or they become entrenched, which can result in a toxic manipulating relationship where the male recognises and feeds into the younger woman's insecurities to further undermine and control her.

I remember being 15-19 year old guy seeing my classmates going out with guys that have finished school and sometimes university. Felt pretty powerless, like I could not compare to them. Who was I suppose to go out with in that case if my age girls are going out with older man? Limbo years.

you're one of my favorite youtubers and always touch on such interesting topics, ty for talking about this :)

I clicked on this thinking it was going to be some light-hearted buzzfeed-esque piece on the age gap stereotypes often seen in celebrity relationships, only to be presented with a well constructed, thought provoking break down of common relationship dynamics in male-female intimate relationships. I may not agree 100% with every point that was made in this video, but I thoroughly enjoyed the discourse and am curious to see your thoughts on other topics. Liked and subscribed.

I'm just gonna say I've dated men close to my age in my early/mid 20s and then again in my late 30s...and everything was easier when I was younger. The older men I have dated have a lot of baggage. Older does not equal better. At all.

I still think it was weird that when I was in school, I was bullied because my mother is 9 years older than my father. It’s odd because the boy who bullied me a lot for it, his father was 7 years older than his mother.

Speaking as a man, it takes a lot of time to get your shit together. I think that’s true for both sexes. The difference is that women by and large have more stake in the aging of their own bodies and the passing of time. Men are hardly even aware of this until someone else-such as a lover-points it out to them. This isn’t foolproof, though. Even the elderly can act petulantly. You love who you love, and hopefully your values and commitments and goals line up with one another’s.

Oh my god! I am in a age gap relationship and I knew that something was wrong lately, but I couldn't name it or say what exactly is wrong and you just described it perfectly! Thank you so much

I remember this was actually a problem at our high school (talking about seniors here). Most of the girls did not care at all for the dudes who were the same age and instead were gunning for university students or older. How are men supposed to be experienced by then if they don't even get the chance to have experience? It just creates a gap that makes that when dating older men, the women will not forcible date more mature guys because they just didn't have the chance to gain experience earlier.

My first real relationship was with a man who’s more then 2x my age at that time. I was 19 (turned 20 not too long after) and he is 43. we broke up due to reasons after. I didn’t originally mean to date him, but I was attracted to him I learned later on. Now I’m going to find something around my own age later on.

I found it really interesting hearing about the research, as it aligned with a lot of my own personal experiences with older men. When I was younger, like 19-21, I used to sugar for money. I would go on dates with older men and some of them didn't even expect sexual favors in return. Some literally just wanted to be seen in public with a pretty, younger woman. Don't get me wrong at the time I did enjoy the attention and it did feel validating in a way. I had trouble with relationships with guys my own age so I chopped it up to them just being young and dumb, which admittedly I was also young and dumb. It was an interesting experience though and I don't regret it.

The problem that nobody seems to talk about is alot of men arnt getting ANY sexual experience until late in their 20s. So its only natural that they seek women with a similar level of experience. These are men that missed out on teen love, missed out on young love in their early 20s and are simply just disinterested in the transactional dynamic typical if dating a woman in her late 20s. They want young and fun women and a late 20s woman isnt that

Sorry couldn't finish watching the video. It brought back recent bad memories. My GF replaced me for a guy of 30 something. I am 23, don't have a car and I still live with my mother. The other dude is a local recognized psychologist, financial independence and having an apartment of his own. It truly broke me that she broke with me with a text message, explaining to me that he met the guy in a party (which honestly WTF is a 30 somethings man doing in a party of early 20s). And the following months I saw in her stories how he gave her gift like daily, take her to fancy dinners and even a fucking air balloon trip. At first glance I knew it was love bombing and I felt so powerless in this situation because if I said anything I would be the jealous ex how would said anything to get her back, but on the other hand I knew it was wrong the shit he was doing. Well, the drop that spilled it was when I discovered she was pregnant. I couldn't take it. It wanted to ended it all in that instance. Thank God that I have good friends who convince me not to do so and had been with me during this whole recovery process. It really is a great video, but I'm not ready to watch it. Hope someday I can come back and finished it. Your work is amazing.

With all this talk about Jake and Taylor’s relationship rn, this was the perfect video topic. I’m 17 and I’ve never been in a relationship before but I just found out one of my closest friend’s boyfriend is freaking 21, and especially us being 17 that disgusts me so much. And like no one cares, it seems like? I’ve also always thought it was weird that I’ve trained in my mind that a guy must always be older than me. But then I started catching feels for a guy who’s not even an entire year younger than me and it makes me feel bad about myself? Like idk how to deal with that.

My mom always told me - there's nothing wrong with girls dating much older men... However, if a man cannot find a date his age and dates only girls 10+ years younger than him, there's something wrong with him.

I completely disagree with the point that "older guys are always more mature and aren't needy and have already reached that point past being immature" I have met tons of men and guys alike who are oldr and younger, and age doesnt always point towards maturity. I met a 19 year old guy who acted way above his age and didnt boast about it. As a guy he was just as independent IF NOT MORE than say someone who's 10 years older than him. And the woman he was in a relationship was in fact older than him. I agree with a lot of things in this video and I love the way you explained everything throughly, included your own opinions, as well as proper sources to further enhance your points. But I think its a little foggy to add these asumptions that older ALWAYS=more mature. Kepp it up and keep posting, can't wait to watch more!

this made me think of how people are all grossed out by the idea of kim kardashian and pete davidson dating. people have brought up their age gap… when he’s 28 and she’s 41. like… it’s fully consensual relationship between two fully developed adults. what’s the prob? at least she’s not preying on a young teen boy.

I like how you explain things : ) I clicked so fast when you posted . Your so pretty

My dad is one day younger than my mom, it's a fun fact I like to tell. Growing up I was often left surprised when kids had parents where the father was 10 years older than their mom. After my best friend's parents divorced her mom started a relationship with a man who is 20 years older than her (40 and 60 at the time). I found it really weird at first, but they seem happy together so I don't care anymore.

I'm in my 30's and I've found older men to be just as immature as the supposedly worse younger men. Sometimes the older men are even worse and have their lives falling apart and think I won't notice when they try to pursue me. Not saying that it's true for all, but this reason is why I tend to go for men either my age or younger. It's really no better or worse.