I’m just so glad narcissistic parents are being exposed!! I’ve cried for over a decade. I’m only 25 and no one seemed to understand wtf I was going through or how my own mom could be so extremely heartless. I’ve been heard and am no longer in survival mode. Thank you God!!! And I hope every single scapegoat or anyone else out there dealing with narcissistic abusive parents please seek the help needed and don’t be afraid to name NAMES! We have to expose these people not only for ourselves, but so that THEY themselves can be forced to look within
THE GOLDEN KIDS called ME and made ME help the ROTTEN BITCH for HER! They never said what this "Golden Child" said! They said SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM, MY LIFE IS TOO BUSY,,, SCREAM SCREAM "MANIPULATE" I HAVE KIDS! SCREAM SCREAM,,,, my husband say's this and that and this and that, MAKE JANETTE do it! I am sooooooooo a VICTIM!
I was always treated less than by my family growing up and it sucks. I now as an adult began to figure out what I actually want and need. I was so accustomed to believing that my wants and needs were irrelevant because everyone else mattered more. I decided to go no contact and begin the healing process. I never understood people that collectively use a child as a scapegoat.
Yes, it’s truly gobsmacking when you grow up and realize as an adult how your parents treated a CHILD. I am forever amazed by it. One good thing about this is that it completely diffuses my anger towards my abusive mother. She just seems so pathetic and clueless and broken to me now to have been a woman in her 30s/40s blaming a literal child for her troubles. What a loser.
I appreciate this because I always thought the golden child/scapegoat dynamic was more extreme. The conversation in the video is so similar to how my mom relates to my sister and I. I’m the scapegoat and receive the anger when my mom is upset, and my sister can do no wrong. She gets the calm, respectful version of my mom. I always thought my mom just didn’t like me.
Wow this hits hard. My sister gets praised for everything and I get shit for everything. Even if it’s the same things… And now my sister behaves as if she is more superior than me.
Sometimes we have to choose between exhausting ourselves trying to help others (who may not be doing the work to help themselves), or we choose to help ourselves instead.
So glad you found this helpful Shari, I too have had to learn how to set + communicate boundaries for myself which have been a game changer (though, of course, also incredibly difficult to put into practice!) . Sending so much love as you continue your healing journey❤
My brother, the golden child, suffered in his own way. I am so lucky to have siblings who get it - and have worked to help me get "reintegrated" into the family. We still fall back into old patterns, but recognizing them pulls us back out pretty quickly.
I am sort of a mixture. My mom is a narc. I become golden when I am needed for any ailments I am a doctor by profession. But become a scapegoat blamed and shamed when I tried to put boundaries...
Same here... so that makes me golden child ... I want to get rid of my narc father but not my empath mother... I don't know what's the escape plan... I have a younger brother.. seems like he is scapegoat... I also want to get rid of this dynamic but I feel guilty.
In my family me and my siblings were all 'golden children' but we weren't praised, more like we had to please our mother and supress our needs or else she would treat us like 'scapegoats' for making mistakes or not doing what she wanted
When I chose myself over the toxicity my brother decided to respond by not telling me my mother had died. I only found out when the funeral home discovered my existence 7 days later & needed my signature on cremation paperwork.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank you. It’s still a very fresh wound as she died at the end of November. I can’t believe that he (and my entire family really) was capable of this. Obviously there is a lot more to the story & there are things I could have done differently, but it should not have ended like this. Thank you for the incredible work you do, Dr. Nicole!!💖
I think you missed the part where the Narc mother brutally badmouths the scapegoat child to the golden child. Oh, and the part where the scapegoat child is compared to the golden child, in a way that puts down and insults the scapegoat child. Oh, and it should be sprinkled with guilt trips for both scapegoat and golden.
My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. My brother developed some kind of Stockholm syndrome and went no contact with me and I eventually went no contact with the entire familysystem once I started to wake up.
I would love to see an example of parents choosing the opposite child for each. I grew up with my dad and step brother and I feel like my mom saw me as the scapegoat for making boundaries and being aware and my dad saw me as the golden child but then idk for both if I didn’t just cave and do what I know they needed/wanted them I wasn’t worth shit. I feel like the whole family treated me as some weird foreign thing, even jokingly making it a family affair to convince me I was adopted and another time that I was an alien… as a late diagnosed autistic those moments really messed with me even more than the environment. Not to mention my dad who used me as a therapist and spouse like support role would tell me terrible stories of his trauma and some were very delusional due to him being possibly bipolar type1, convincing me he was born through his mother having sex with a jackal. I feel silly saying it all now but as a child we depend on these people to shape our sense of the world, self, reality as we know it and will always remember it being at least for a time… that terrifies me looking back… how far the effects reached and lasted in truth.
My mom always complains about my dad to me behind his back. She doesn't really so much anymore though because one time she straight up called him a pig so I finally had enough. "Mom, that's my dad you're talking about, can't you be nicer?" They're still married. Edit: His system of putting things away doesn't match her system, so he's "messy" and "lazy" and "doesn't put things where they belong" but I can literally see he has his system and she has hers, but she refuses to see anything outside of her own perspective. My brother put a virus on the family computer but it was my fault because I spent too much time on the Internet. And when I tried defending myself I was only allowed out of my room for dinner and lost computer privileges for a week. My brother gave the computer another virus during that week and my mom couldn't yell at me for it that time, it was a nice change of pace.
Well Nicole,. This one has me confused... I identify with being the scapegoat... Always trying to win their love... Still it was never enough.. I always was the only one who constantly ran to help them.. the golden ones couldn't care less because they were always praised . 🤔. Without trying hard...
I think this video shows the phase when the scapegoat is finally able to set some boundaries. If you are not there (yet), you always take the blame, while trying to prove the narc, that you are a good kid. Thus, you would always run over to help out. As for the golden child, I'd say it is well played. They show only a little interest (but they do show some), but they can help to some extent and they will be praised anyway. Especially in front of the scapegoat.
@@Terapie_Lesem , yes that explains it so clearly... I thank you for helping me understand.... All of the short lessons Nicole puts out are always so spot on everytime. She has helped me to see so many things... Now I see this one as well. It's after the scapegoat stops jumping through hoops for love and approval ... Excellent... Thanks again.🕊️
Omg the complaints this is on point. I also told her I can't listen to her complaints anymore and she tried to make me feel guilty but I was not having it. She sucked my energy for years, but no more I'm choosing myself this time
This is my mother and family. I can admit I’ve was drawn into all of the limiting thinking and crazy making. And when I turn my back it is all open assault on me. It’s a cycle I’m trying to get away from. Moving on from all of it. Let them wallow in their drama.
I am the scapegoat...well I was. I am 50 now. my mom is 69. My boundary setting started 30 years ago. I read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. It was like reading a suspense thriller. I didn't even know there was such a thing. I felt like a criminal setting them. Over time I watched my entire family shift. Turns out when the scapegoat disappears systems start changing. Today, I am close to my sister and brother, even though my mom tried to shut me out of the family. Her version is very different of course. She didn't do it on purpose but the damage to me was still horrific. I have forgiven her and for me (NOT PREACHING!!!) it enabled me to heal. Holding on to unforgiveness felt like a step backward. We even have a relationship today. WARNING: Even when a "relationship" is established - keep a healthy distance. I have found on these terms it works. Next mission - learning to have good relationship with my boyfriend. 4th relationship. Finally a good guy. I am not easy - but being kind to myself.
Forgiveness (with boundaries) is the most freeing thing that has ever happened to me. I’m glad to hear that you have experienced healing through this as well.
Isn’t this the truth?! It’s been like this ever since I can remember. Last year I decided to cut ties with every single one of them. Mom is the only one that has reached but always playing the martyr on her texts.
Appreciate you sharing your experience with us here QiK317, I also cut ties with my family for a bit so can imagine all of the different things that may be coming up for you! ❤
Nobody told me when I started setting boundaries that I'd lose my mom 😭 I know I need to pick me but both of my parents are getting old and I wanted to be there.
so I do have a question, are "golden children" only such when there's nothing they've done for the attention? I sometimes think my older sister is the scapegoat and I'm the golden-child. But sometimes I feel like I was only pushed into that role because my sister made "poor decision" growing up, so I was expected to be more responsible and make "better choices" (signification age difference of about 8 years). I know she was just a kid herself and it was a very different environment when she was growing up, but sometimes I find myself angry for little things or think "If you had just been more rational/responsible, I wouldn't have felt so pressured". sorry if this dosent make a whole lot of sense
I would ask yourself what you feel in your own heart about your sister and her choices without the bias of your parents reactions. It appears from the outside that you may be picking up / mirroring your parents perspective on your sister’s choices. They, themselves, feel that ‘pressure’ out of fear of being judged by others (ultimately, the fear of judgement of their own parents since they have also absorbed their own parents beliefs). Now that ‘pressure’ has been passed onto you, but you can work on bringing awareness to this and break that cycle. In the end, nothing your sister did or could have done has anything to do with the feelings you had/ have or the dynamic with you and your parents- it all has to do with your parents fears and unawareness. The story that they told themselves and then told you is only a narrative to justify their discomfort without having to put in emotional effort to change their own perspective, as the video displays. You did not/ do not need to be a “golden-child.” You and your sister are both free to make decisions, learn from them, and judge them on your own as mistakes or not. There isn’t a limit on mistakes per household, nor is there a law that you must please your parents with your every move you make. We do our best to please them because we want to feel loved, accepted, and like we are doing the ‘right thing.’ There is no black and white to morality. I think the best way we can try to be with others without sacrificing our well-being is to be aware of these patterns in ourselves and others, and do our best to show love and presence without placing expectations on who we give it to. When you can improve upon your reactivity to others- when you can improve resistance to playing the part in another’s drama by being aware of yourself- your interactions and thought patterns will evolve.
If she is the older one, you, as the younger, learned from her example. This is true for all younger siblings when siblings live together within the younger one's memory. This is probably why parents commonly call their first child the "practice" kid because they didn’t know what they were doing. Hardly anyone does. So I don't think they realize how much of what they find disappointing in your sister is a result of their choices as her parents. Either way, they know what they didn’t like and they pressed her demerits onto you to make different choices. This situation isn't fair to either of you. Childhood is about learning how to behave in public while safety nets are there in case of mistakes. Make some mistakes while you can and try to see your sister without the labels she carries from your parents. She will expect you to act on those labels and you will need patience to see who she really is.
Idk on this one. I feel it'a just as likely the golden child wouldn't ever be asked to do the work of helpinf because 'they have a life' etc, but might get called to bitch and gossip just like here, with the 'your sister didn't help me' thrown in. Then the sister/scapegoat gets a call from golden child about how dare they not help.
Ha, and when you're an only child but nonetheless you were "the golden child" bc you used to put their needs ahead of yours but then you stop and find resistance as they make you out to be the ungrateful child.
Wrong... The scapegoat dutifully listens to complaining, sets up everything, AND makes the holiday dinner but the golden child does zilch, not even answers the calls, and still gets the accolades for just showing up to eat 🙄 (Only not this scapegoat anymore. Buh-bye)
I wouldn't say it's so much supportive as simply willing to try to mitigate the mother's frustration with the father (which as the "child" in the relationship is not her job). She's going over to help her mother out of obligation, not because she actually wanted to. She stated she was busy but would come over anyway (implying she had needs of her own and betrayed them for her mother's call on a whim). The mother is making the problem with her husband her children's problem. The golden child has a role in the parents' favor, and because they have witnessed the abuse the scapegoat endures, the golden child is much more likely to try to appease the parent(s) so they don't become a scapegoat themselves. Unfortunately, this leads to boundary issues galore and it's why the golden child is much more likely to remain stuck in this toxic relationship than the scapegoat.
@@berryzem idk I wish my mom would invite me over to have Christmas decorations with her. It seems like a much more mild minor problem. Instead I got hit and blamed for her blowing a million dollars and made to be punished for having a disability. While my brother could do no wrong and was always praised even when he had made terrible decisions and overall had bad character. I tried to do the right thing and was overlooked by my mom and put in place of my dad who had passed when I was a child. She would take everything out on me and became emotionally dependent. While also abusing substances when I was only 10 years old. To me it seems pretty average to bicker with a spouse and ask your kids to come over and help and maybe not be in the best of moods. Could be the co dependent in me but yeah my experience with my narc mom is far more violent and she would never want to talk. I agree that children should never have to be a therapist for their parent or put in the middle of problems, but I wouldn’t be upset if my mom had opened up to me and explained her side and had an open discussion about things. Parents are people too.
@@Mrs.Milkins23 Sounds horribly dysfunctional and unfair. Your mom had no right to treat you that way. She should have valued you. So sorry you went through that 🌸
Golden children? Not in my family. A narcissistic father and scapegoats in the family. Some got more money by scapegoats did not. They helped the most. Really I'm not petty about it. Just an eye opener. 😮
What do you call it when you grew up being treated like both of these randomly with no pattern or predictability aside from "don't do anything too different from them"?
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thanks for letting me know ❤ But before I posted this thread, I had posted another comment about the video, and it disappeared! And the same thing happened in another recent video. But I’ll just keep trying.
Thank you for this clear representation ❣️I have a question for you: we were three children of a narcissistic mother; the firstborn, the Golden boy, me the escape goat and the last child (died in November 2022 at 52). Now that my younger brother is no longer here to collect every complaint and every judgment against him, how will the dynamics become? THANK YOU for your work and for sharing it with the world with grace and passion 💓
@@silviachierchini7612 So very glad you're finding it helpful Silvia-- all of our family dynamics are a bit different with things, can of course, evolving + changing over time so it's hard to know for certain what the outcome will be in your family ❤
How u doing? I know u do such a good job at talking about this, but look,almost everyone who talks about this has gotten something confused about this issue. The golden child is not the one who gives more of themselves to no one, the golden child was the one who was 2: less destroyed by the parents so is more able to make a better life for temselves & also was more help by their family. The reason why family can use the golden child in adulthood or even before to solve problems is because they were LESS DESTROYED. The scapegoat was the one who always gave eveeythg to their parents & also siblings, being empathetic to the greatest lengths. The reason why the scapegoat can't do stuff for their family as adults is because they dont have anything to give because they were destroyed. This was done on purpose, the family didnt want the scapegoat to be well & anythg at any point of their lives. Evwn though they will always abuse the scapegoat & use & wreck their thgs if they have anything to do use of, if if it is just your time.
