The Secret Identity Of An Adopted Child: Catharine Robertson at TEDxBaltimore 2014 

Much love to you ❤

@@murderedadoptees7560 Down syndrome Justin Mom Leax atoaf Dad Adam boact Aunt Angels Dellipoala Aunt Jaira

Yessss! This was honest and raw. It gave a better reflection of adoption. You should listen to the Podcast adoptees on.

It's amazing isn't it? And the official line of the mental health industry still to this day is that adoption has zero effect on the child. At least when adopted at birth. Never trust a mental health professional. if they can go by an official line like that, they have no worth.

This was a wonderful find. Now that both my adopted parents have passed away..I stay stuck on the constant though of who I am really. This is what most people don’t tell you about adoption. We want to know. I don’t know any one from my biological family. Watching everyone relate with the similarities is super tough. I can’t tell my daughter nothing about who I come from. I imagine life once I leave for her. So many questions. This was a great talk to watch.

Genetic testing

23&me saved my heath and I met my great Aunt

Genetic testing comes with risks but it is a possibility.

Hi Patrice, a little unsolicited advice. 23andme is great but being prepared is even better. I actually was advised to make a list of all the possible scenarios surrounding my birth and my reaction to each possibility. It really helped me see that I didn't "need" anything from my birth family, I just wanted to know my birth story. I also began to document a miracle a day and after doing this I met my birth family in 3 months. Finally, I can not stress the importance of maintaining a high vibration but not punishing yourself when you are not excited or longing for reunion. Right before I met my birth family I was going through an extensive challenging personal issue. I told myself it was the worst time to meet my birth family and within a week that is exactly what happened. I had never felt that way before but this was an exact match for my mother's vibration and the only way we would ever meet.

@@pristineparr7509 How wonderful! thank you for sharing your story. How did it go with the reunion?

Megan, keep it up! OUr voices will NOT be hushed any longer!

You people are insane. There is no 'Industry.' Please go get help.

Emogirl, you sound really unhappy.

@jfsfrnd Same here. If one knows about genetics, my "adoptive" parents don't have the ability to conceive and/or have difficult pregnancies. They seek in vitro fertilization or encounter miscarriages. I know it sounds cruel, but maybe there's a reason why.

They only show the successful reunions. They don't feature the stories where the adoptees get rejected when the birth parent doesn't want to know because they have kept the fact that they had a baby a secret from their spouse and subsequent children.

Man, I really hoped that paragraph was going to include my name. I was hoping you wrote about me, your son. Unfortunately, I wasn't the right boy -- but I'm sure my parents are looking for me as we speak. Its nice knowing there may be somebody out there in the world thinking about me, hoping I'm okay or atleast having food to eat. I would accept my biological family with open arms! I hope they forgive me for leaving when I was born, and I don't want them to hold it against me knowing I wasn't able to find them for 25 years! I know it won't be easy for them to accept me back onto their familial unit, but I'm surely hoping they will. I've offered anything they may need as proof that I'm still a great son and worthy of their care. I don't have a wife or children, I just want to see my biological family a few times before this life is over. Just once or twice is fine -- I know I don't deserve much but I really hope they think i deserve them. I will do anything for them, I would give them every single one of my paychecks for life just to meet them and give them one big hug. They were disappointed in me because I am not married and no girlfriend. I didn't tell them this, I just agreed, that it's tough being an abandoned boy and finding a wife -- no woman in their right mind would want a boy left by his mother. Its the ultimate sign of rejection and a big red flag in nature. I'm not a bad person but I understand in my heart that i won't ever be worth that kind of love and that's ok with me. All I need in my life is my mom and dad to meet me one time. Then I would be able to live happily knowing I SO have a family, even if I am forbidden from living life with them. I'm sure they don't like me, who would? I left them when I was born, I understand their trepidation in meeting me. I don't want a wife anyway. I'm happy alone, as long as I had my family to love me. My biological parents are still together and they kept 3 of their 4 children. I was the one they decided to let go, and when I was old enough realized that I was the least special, so I'm glad it was me that was sent away. I am so happy I was able to protect my 3 siblings from that pain, I was chosen because I could handle it, and because I was the least worthwhile, special, and worthy. I have worked my whole life to be special enough to meet my bio family just a single time. I know they probably don't want me and I understand why, but I will do whatever it takes to earn one meeting with them. I would give my life for that one chance. I know its hard for non-adopted people to understand but adoptees have to work so hard to show their bio family that they're worth it. Some are worthy, some are not -- I unfortunately was not born worthy, and I live with that everyday. There isn't a single day that passes that i don't talk to my parents in my mind and tell them I love them and I'm here on this Earth for them. They made me, I am them! I know they had to ditch me, I know they needed to focus on my other brothers and sisters, and that's okay. Its the way i would want it. Anyway, I hope everyone is happy in the end. I hope all of us that are not worth find happiness and a place to be safe. My safe place is in my apartment, where I plan too get a puppy. I will name my puppy Felicity because that's what I dreamt of naming my daughter when I was a kid. I know I'll never have a daughter or a wife but a puppy is the second best thing! Being with Felicity will make me feel as if I DO have my own family. Its all that matters. Thanks guys

same

adopted as well, and this is exactly how i have been. thank you for sharing. i need help

I read you. I adopted a child abandoned at birth in a hospital in Kazakhstan. I did not change his name because I thought that would be bad. But as he grew he was mad that his name was so not western that he was mad that he didn''t have a western name. He never understood why we kept his original name. No matter what you do, if you adopt, you're always blamed. That's my experience.

I experienced the same thing. I hired a PI to gain access to records and my mother was found in 10 hours. If you are financially able, I would suggest doing the same.

Well good for her ! Just makes the pain for those who haven’t feel even worse !

Me too

What you are saying is understandable, but everyone has a right to know where they originated, even if their parents don't want that. You cannot take the rights away from a person who doesn't have the capability to make a choice for themselves. It's wrong on all accounts. EVERY person ever born has an inalienable right to know who they are.

But your birth parents don't define you and they can't help you define yourself. That's something you need to learn to do on your own.

Emo...you don't understand it. Plain and simple, or you wouldn't be saying such ridiculous things. Every single person has a right to their beginning. Every single person has a right to know who birthed and created them. It's that simple. That doesn't define a person, but it is an identity and a knowledge that everyone deserves to have. It is a basic civil and human right and is denied by outdated laws in the US and has been for over 70 years. Do you know anything about those laws? They were born in shame. Look it up, do the research, read the statistics. People do better in their lives when their identity isn't a state secret. Now be quiet.

You're not! Your beginning wasn't your choice, it was theirs choice. You are as "legitimate" as any other human walking this planet. Silence those voices in your mind and know that you count.

hdb80 Please grow up and learn your parents can't do everything for you?

Hey there, I’m a 23 year old woman who was adopted by my parents at 10 months old. I’m currently in graduate school studying to get my masters in counseling. To answer your first questions, yes! I love my adoptive parents very much. It wasn’t until I was about 20 that I understood my adoption and was fully appreciative of them. Your daughter is only 11, and she most likely will not have the mindset of someone who has already worked through all of their adoption trauma. That’s another important thing to understand. Adoption is traumatic. It may seem like rainbows and butterflies because you’re “saving a child” and “giving them a better life” while that may be true, it is not the WHOLE truth. And the whole truth is that being separated from birth parents creates a trauma that is not easily healed. (Took me 20 years even though I was adopted at such a young age). Adoptees will grieve the loss of the birth family and they need to be able to feel like they are allowed to do so. If you feel like your child is pushing you away or rejecting your love, that’s not what it is. Your child is in protective mode due to their own trauma. It is simply a reaction to trauma and has nothing to do with you as a parent or your ability to be a parent. It can be helpful for parents to reflect and dig deep into their own selves, maybe there are some deep rooted wounds surrounding rejection that you have not yet healed. As an adoptive parent, it will be a very hard and very long journey for you. It’s important to understand that. I could go on and on about all of this but this is a very brief explanation for your questions. I highly recommend doing a lot of research to understand how adoption and the system affect children. There are plenty of books for expecting adoptive parents that will hopefully bring you comfort. While you research and read, it is important to remember that adoption affects everyone differently! Not every adoptee will have the same experience. Some adoptees grow to be cold and resent their birth parents. Some adoptees are the opposite. Some adoptees may avoid their adoption and their trauma. Others might be interested in learning about it and growing. All adoptees experiences are different. I recommend you read a book called “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. There are also books that are catered specifically to parents who are adopting older children which may be helpful in your case. There are also books about adoption and the foster care system. One last recommendation I have is to see a licensed counselor or psychologist and for you to have your daughter see a different psychologist as well. I have been in therapy for the last 11 years and as I felt like I couldn’t always talk to my adoptive parents about my feelings about adoption, it helped to talk to someone who is a professional. Out of all my recommendations, finding a therapist for yourself and another therapist for your child are the most important and most helpful things in my opinion. I’m sorry my response is so long but I hope at least something I’ve said can be of help to you. Best of luck to you and your family! Your little girl needs your love whether she acts like she wants it or not

@@nosidam232 I simply do not have the words to thank you enough for your detailed explanation. Thank you, thank you thank you a thousand times. What you said is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm happy you love your parents and I will do everything in my power to be there for my little girl as yours did for you. I am buying the book you recommended as we speak. I hope you know how much that last part ment to me about how she needs my love whether she acts like it or not. That is something I know I can do. Again I sincerely appreciate you for your insightful answers Madison.

it's not about you. stop thinking any of this is about you. it will never be about you. it's about how she feels and what happens to her in her emotions and in her psyche. if you are ever at any point wanting this to be in some way about your needs being met, then you need to check yourself. children are not dolls you play with. they are human beings with their own feelings and realities. she is not YOUR CHILD she will never belong to you. she is a child that you have the honor of stewarding through life as a guide.

@@angelamyles23 hey back off. An adoptive parent Is just as entitled to their own emotions as their adopted child. They never said it was “all about them”. they came here and asked some genuine questions which obviously show that they care about their adopted child. Being an adoptive parent is HARD. I watched my parents go through so much to try to be the best parents they could be and even then, I will never fully understand how they felt! And of course being an adopted child is no easier, but don’t attack a parent who is just trying their best. And as an adoptee, I am very much my adoptive parents child. Saying that this persons child will never be their child is probably one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard. And sure I cannot speak for ALL adoptees, some may feel otherwise. But please get out of here if you’re not going to be helpful and answer this persons questions with honesty, compassion, and love!!

@@nosidam232 Normally I don't react to RU-vid comments a lot, but I want to say I agree with you and show my support to the future (adoptive) parent. To me it seems like this person just cares a lot and wants this girl to feel all the love and happiness she deserves. Some adopted children have an easier time "accepting" this and dealing with their adoption than others. As long as this is something that adoptive parents understand, accept and are prepared for and as long as they're open about it and provide enough space they will do fine. You can do nothing more than your best. I was (internationally) adopted at 10 months and am 20 years old now. So far I've had a relative easy time processing everything and I love my (adoptive) parents very much. I've really appreciated their openess, honesty, support, and understanding from the beginning. I don't like to go into too much detail, because every situation is different (as has already been said) and I think that a lot of good advice has been given already. I wish everyone who read this comment all the luck, love, strength, and courage you need in whatever journey you're on!

Are most adoptees happy with their promised "better life" or do they by and large feel lost and saddened this life that was chosen for them? Beginning to think placing is the wrong answer

Not the adoptees I know. The trauma begins from the minute they are taken from their mother. Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. It's not a "better" life, just a different life ... of trauma.

Bryson, merge Ancestry DNA, and 23 and me DNA together. There are many adoption search Angels on all adoptee support groups on Facebook ... Good luck praying for you!!

cont'd Bryson The search Angels are absolutely amazing!

That's probably the case these days.

Yes. Nobody has a right to create a human being then deny them knowledge of where they came from and who they’re related to. There is no such thing as remaining anonymous since home DNA testing anyway. Also, the reason most children are given away for adoption is desperation and financial difficulties, not wanting privacy from your own child.

There's more to investigate with adoption. One of the biggest issues, which I feel has become epidemic is children with "Reactive Attachment Disorder.". Please please find out all you can about this disorder before considering adoption. Many of these children came from severely abused, neglected, traumatized homes and are changed forever. They are charming, but dangerous. No one in the adoption process will tell you when you're taking a traumatized child. Love is not enough!

Adoption is a complicated process, not only legally, but also emotionally. No child is an object to be bought or sold on the whim of parents. They are whole human beings. To stop your child from discovering ore about themselves is selfish. Just because they have found someone new to love does not mean they will stop loving you.

@NerdyGal Art ok?

People have a right to know their origins and identity. Those of us who aren’t adoptees take this for granted. You sound like a narcissist, so yeah, probably best that you don’t adopt children.

I disagree. I have first hand experience with this. I know my real family, and they love me, but the pain of what could have been is still too great at times. My identity was robbed from me at birth so that some distasteful POS could benefit and serve his/her own selfish interests. This pain is unbelievable, and sometimes I just want to end my life and hopefully start all over and hope for things to go right this time.

it's actually relinquishment trauma. it's a real thing. and yes. it actually happens. and people relinquish their children mentally and emotionally via neglect even if they keep them(so sure that happens) but the adoption is 100% tied to relinquishment. so your issue with semantics is absurd. it very much is related to adoption. there is adoption trauma. and every single human being who experienced trauma is encouraged to point their finger at the cause of that trauma in order to gain a hold of it and process through it. adoptive parents who get offended or wounded by the child they took into their charge wanting to complete a portion of themselves to feel whole again are basically letting their own ego's get in the way of guiding that child through their life long trauma. it's absolutely natural to want to learn where we came from, and to think that if we had been allowed to stay where we were our heartache would feel lessened. abandonment trauma and relinquishment trauma and emotional neglect are closest to the root of the issue- but adoption does not happen in a vacuum void. telling people to stop blaming a whole industry which perpetuates the trauma of children is a heinous suggestion. everyone involved in the process of relinquishment and adoption needs to be held liable for and take accountability for the trauma it causes to the adoptee. the adopted person is just looking for closure and peace. your callous remarks help no one.

Denise Cummins, I wonder what your qualifications are, to make this incorrect assertion. I see from a Google search that you are a member of nursing faculty of a University. I do not see anything in your bio which would substantiate expertise in this area. Adoption trauma, Relinquishment trauma is widely recognised. Its description resonates deeply with the experience of many adoptees. Nancy Verrier has written well on the topic. Adoption is complex, and all parties involved have hurt and brokenness. I applaud and support this Ted talk speaker, and the adopted people who have posted in response in these comments. I think your denial of the fundamental trauma of the separation of a newborn from its mother, is incorrect. Along with the expectation that an adopted child will just fit into an adoptive family, this separation has a profound and life long impact on adoptees

So they can know if they were willingly given away or if they were taken from birth parents through trafficking or parental termination. They may have been lied to by adoptive parents or kidnappers

Connection. I remember giving birth to my first born and my mind was blown that this was my first blood relative.