I grew up in a family where my parents constantly put me down in order to 'motivate' me to perform better.. esp in academics. Now I have so much insecurities surrounding my abilities in my profession. I can't bring myself to try and aim higher cause I am always thinking 'what if I fail' and then 'm such a failure' .. 'm a coward for not even trying'.. These shameful thoughts about myself and my abilities have led my life and career to a standstill. And each day serves as a reminder of what a failure I am.. even though I did well all this while. It's like nothing I do satisfies me. And so I can't concentrate on focusing ahead.
I'm in the same situation. And that pulls me back in my life. I'm afraid of doing lots of things because of possible failure. I skip exams if I feel I didn't study enough. And after that I realize that I have so many examples of exams that I went and had a great grade. I am sabotaging my progress by not going. And I know that but the schema shift is soooo hard. Self fulfilling prophecy...
Dr. Fox is so right: You have to fight that inner voice because it is a liar. It is wrong. I had to teach myself to remember this and even say it out loud to myself when that voice is telling me I am worthless and nothing really matters. In those times when I "call out the liar" to myself I have a reaction against that statement (in other words, the liar fights back) with thoughts that I must be a gullible fool to believe such nonsense when it is clear, by evidence of how I am feeling at this moment, that I really am worthless and nothing matters. It's actually quite difficult to combat those thoughts, but I must remind myself that these are thought PATTERNS not facts. Keep working at it and you will see progress, however slow, and it will bring some relief.
I’m in the same boat. My dad used to tell me I couldn’t do things bc according to him that’s what his dad used to tell him and he would prove him wrong. He thought that’s what I needed to become self reliant. Little did he know he decimated my confidence. Suffice to say, I’m almost 30 with no college education and a grocery store job. I self sabotage bc I’m a piece of shit. At least that’s how the thinking goes.
My shame is the inability to live up to what I percieve are other's expectations of me. Unfortunately this tends to clash with how the people close to me attempt to "help" when I'm having a hard time. They tend to try to fix the problem rather than talking to me about how I'm feeling or doing. So I end up feeling like no one cares about how I am, I'm just another problem to solve, and that I need to fix it to be worth anything to them. I'm constantly trying to meet these perceived expectations that my already bad anxiety is out of control and as you said I'm trying so hard to be enough but I don't feel at all worthy of love. As you mentioned, I need the encouragement and support to rise to the occasion. I can't function when someone tells me what about me I need to fix because I just feel bad about myself instead.
Emma Carroll thank you for the courage to say how you feel. Please know that just because you’re alive, you ARE enough. Worthy enough. Good enough. Caring enough. Compassionate enough. Alive is enough. Sending you a big virtual hug. You remind me so much of one of my daughters - so much. You ARE enough!!! No need to prove it to anyone. You’re a human being! That alone makes you a miracle. Stay wonderful!!!!! 🤗🥰😘
I’m the same way with feeling I have to live up to what I perceive other people’s perception of me is. Every single day I struggle with this. Even with complete strangers I see on a daily basis. I feel that I’m somehow letting them down because I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough , smart enough etc. These are people that I’ll never see again and who won’t even remember me 5 min later. I know rationally that it’s ridiculous but my brain just overrides it every time to the point of an anxiety attack. Its beyond frustrating.
thank you for sharing. your words help me formulate my own suppressed thoughts, which in turn is hopefully going to help my psychiatrist understand what the hells going on in my birds nest brain. you’re indirectly helping me understand how to explain my situation to others, and i couldn’t be more thankful for your contribution.
Wow... the moment you mentioned “making someone feel bad enough to do good” everything clicked in my brain and memories came flooding in. I had this done to me a lot when I was depressed as a young teenager. I was made to feel so bad and told the way I made others felt with my behaviour was so bad and I was so selfish that I needed to wake up and think of others. I only just realised I used to do this A LOT to my partner. If he upset me or hurt me in any way, I’d tell him how bad he made felt and I’d often go round in circles repeating it when he’d say nothing. Until he broke down saying how bad I made him feel and I’d feel immediate regret and remorse for overreacting and “boring into him” with negative accusations.... and I realise now I’d hoped if I could make him understand just how hurt he’d made me feel, he wouldn’t do it again. I’m so so sad at this realisation. I hardly do this anymore 5 years down the track. He is a saint! But when it does occasionally happen it is intense and I feel almost possessed like I have no control over my reactions..... then the shame and remorse 😔
I'm at 50 and still struggling! The problem is for the older generations ( especially men) we grew up being told to man up, to bottle it up and not show it, to be strong and cope, the stigma of mental illness and the shame of it stopped us trying to get help so we just suffered on. Think of us as the lucky ones though, we managed to survive without our issue killing us like it has so many others. Be kind, be compassionate and help break the stigma so future generations don't have to cope in silence like we did.
Yep. I'm 52 and only recently started healing from this shit. But healing is slow and painful, especially when you're totally alone and without professional help. But there are no survivors in life, so nobody gets out alive, no matter how good they had it.
Thank you Dr. I have been diagnosed with BPD for 11 years and spent 7 years in DBT therapy, It has been helpful, and technically, I no longer meet 5 of the 9 criteria. I am happy to be better, and no longer engaging in self harm, but still deal with feelings that you describe associated with "toxic shame".... thanks for normalizing. and helping us to come out of the shadows.
Thank You, Honeybee. Well Done!! Keep making progress on your journey. Many of us have suffered with self-esteem issues, toxic guilt and toxic shame our entire lives due to the legacy of parental issues. You are among family. Y🙏💕💕💕🙏
Your so fantastic. Thank you for sharing these videos. A lot of people (me included) can’t afford anything close to what you offer for free just because you’re passionate about the subject and want to help. Thank you
You really understand what it took me 67 years to not figure out. Thank you so much for your insight and speaking in such an easily understanding format about these hard subjects. Your insights and light to my clueless behaviors.
Tess Jones I’m 60 and just now starting to figure it out - and of course every aspect is exacerbated by living with a NPD. Wow. What a feeling of drowning!!!! Hang in there because it’s never too late to feel better and be better. Life’s a journey. Now I understand why it’s been so difficult for me to separate from the NPD - impossible to do no matter how strongly he tried to push me away or how poorly he has treated me. Yeah. What a joke. And he’s interpreted my fear of abandonment as his license to be mean and cruel - took full advantage. These videos are casting a much needed light on my own contribution to this toxic relationship. Wow. The human mind is amazing. Tess - hang in there. I hope that today (a year after you posted your comment) that you’re doing better - that you can see your journey taking a turn for the better. Don’t give up, be someone else’s inspiration. Virtual hug to you my RU-vid friend. 😊
Hello, I really appreciate your videos. I was wondering if you can do a video on borderline rage, preventing it or managing anger so it doesn't happen.
@@im_saved_by_grace Many therapists want short term clients. Many in my area of Allentown PA will only take non-BPD "easy" clients. Crazy....they call themselves "therapists."
@@rick3747 THOSE are the types getting people's claims denied because they know it's lifelong an therapy helps to stimulate does NOT cure it's a illness Disability very hard to find anyone with knowledge because most av cptsd bpd are highly intelligent sensitive
@@im_saved_by_grace Luckily, I finally found a real therapist who I have seen for 8years. And yes, those with BPD, cPTSD, Bipolar.....are very often very intelligent, highly creative, sensitive, Introverts....
Dr. Daniel I don't know how to thank you so much for the work you been doing with these videos, it a real blessing and hope for us with bpd...Dr thank you, thank you.
I am a new subscriber. I live with bpd 10/10 scored in my 6 week therapy, years ago. Very hard to deal with the mood swings. At 62 I am mainly in physical chronic pain n negative rather than positive, in attitude, so ppl run away. I am 100% isolated n must change something. I don't believe that feeling badly will make me do good things. I grew up with violence n emotional void as we pretended that what was happening, was not. I am sensitive to emotional charges in the room. I lack self esteem. I like your hot air ballon analogy.....I will try that, thx
You explain things very well. My shame is more of a constant feeling that I’m a loser, a failure. At 47 I never married or had any children. Work makes me (more) sick have been unemployed most of my adult life. I have a handful of really good friends but any kind of romantic meeting or relationship makes me very uneasy and sleepless so boyfriends are either rare or toxic (with narcissists). I’m kind, intelligent and have a masters degree but failed in life. Could you make a video on this horrible perception of oneself that I’ve read that others with bpd suffer from?
Dr. Daniel Fox Thanks for replying. I think many people with bpd can feel like not living up to society’s expectations and more importantly their own hopes for a good life. You see your friends (mine anyway) have good jobs and loving spouses and generally seem to enjoy life. I feel I’m being left out of all this. It can make you feel shameful of yourself. I think low self esteem is an underlying theme here but not the direct cause. Hope I make myself clear 😊
Cathrine I get what you’re saying. Great idea. I’ll add it to my list of topics. Remember, fb and all social media depicts 20% of someone’s life. Thanks
I can relate exactly to what Catherine is saying. I'm coming to realize that I do have BPD. I hate this about myself. The intense anger when triggered. I definitely know it's origin from my horribly abusive childhood from my Narc Stepfather. My latest relationship w/ a Covert Narc has brought my behavior to realize what's wrong w/ me. My question is there any help for us? If so where? I'd like to be to get counseling from u Dr. Fox, do u offer this?
It boils down to: It's nearly impossible to give empathy when you need empathy. For more on the Western culture of judgment, criticism, shame, and punishment see the work of Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, founder of Compassionate Communication
@@AP-nx6xo I'd look for an EMDR therapist and have an intake with them, in order to make that decision. Most psychiatrists know very little to nothing about the mechanics of trauma in adults with shame/rage/fear-based pathologies, and even less about EMDR. Most mental health professionals I've discussed my recovery with have had ideas about EMDR that simply are not true, because they had no real understanding of how it works. IMO, only someone with an in-depth understanding of the set protocols, which has had 30 years of studies and observational tweaking, should tell a client whether they are a good candidate for EMDR. I hope you look into having someone do an assessment of your situation. I'm happy to assist with this search, by offering resources, if you'd like.
@@rick3747 of course, there are exceptions to the rule, in every situation. No treatment works a hundred percent of the time, for a hundred percent of people. In my experience, most people who've said this to me stopped going when they began to feel their old emotions, which is temporary & a necessary part of the process, and never finished the protocol. I hope you find something that works for you. Maybe Somatic Experiencing would help.
I was from the age of 5 until age 13 the lost child in a narcissitic family and then from age of 13 up until the present moment i am the scapegoat of my family of origin. Due to the fact that my mother didnt truly want to have me she ignored and neglected me and didnt teach me nor give me any tools for life. I was sent to school with mismatched clothes and was never taught personal hygiene so therefore i was bullied very badly in school and picked on. So i never felt i had a safe place besides in my bedroom with the door closed. Im sure that is why i have been told by one therapist i have bipolar and another psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality. I did self medicate for many years. I dont self medicate any longer thank god! I have never cut myself , but i believe it any form of self harm ie self medicating is part of this dynamic.
I'm sorry for all you have been through, my family is supportive and loving and it's still very hard , I can't begin to imagine the struggles you have had. Stay strong (just words from a stranger ) and keep well .
Man I can relate to this except my mom was just poor and worked a lot. Either way the result was the same. The sustained, relentless bullying in middle school really set the stage for BPD imho, but still to this day I wonder if there wasn't just something so awful and shameful about me they honed in and made me a target because....you know..."Maybe I deserved it" One time when I was 11 I asked this boy "What did I do to you that you're like this to me?" He squinted his eyes and responded, his voice dripping with disdain "you were born" I remember that was the year I became suicidal. It only got worse from there 😔
Dr Fox... Rooting out our issues yet again! Toxic shame and "original sin" goes hand in hand for us sensitive people reared in a very Christian world. We internalize those "shame" feels very deeply... Ah, it really makes sense! Thanks 🤘🤘🤘💖💖💖
Yeah depends on if you're dealing with legalism or grace. Scripture can set you free or beat you up. I've read it as condemning and freeing at various times
I agree with this. The grace of Jesus and praying for His peace that passes all understanding is the only thing that gives me immediate peace - like a wave of medicine kicking in from an IV. Furthermore knowing He’ll never leave or not love me is a blessing beyond words. Just remember y’all, Jesus doesn’t condemn, accusations and blame come from the devil. Jesus advocates for us and heals us. He died for us and tells us to put the burden on Him. I’ve figured out recently if I do just lay my problems at the feet of Jesus instead of trying in vain to fix myself on my own then He’ll show me the answer and that usually it wasn’t even that bad. Everything works if I just give Him the reins. He loves you and He is the meaning of life. God bless
Yes BPD lens, I've viewed life through that most of my 60 years, yes childhood trauma the core..... please explain how to remove or at least understand it better.
The sewer metaphor was almost perfect. Despite popular opinion, I think it helps me a great deal to have a deeper understanding of the root causes of my mind’s functioning - rather than just being told "do x, y, and z" without information to connect the dots myself. It allows me to unpack and examine myself and, only then, can I gradually make changes. There is no such thing as an overnight change and the speed of change might be almost imperceptible but the gradual nature of it makes it more likely to stick. Whether others are patient enough to wait out the process is another story. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for another great video. I do wonder if you could speak on something somewhat related? The contributing factors involved in people with BPD or spectrum that lead to some being demonstrably outward with their expression vs those who try to make ourselves as insignificant and, as a result, possibly even more volatile than the more demonstrative expression? I have my suspicions but I would like to understand it more deeply if that’s possible. Thank you again, Doctor.
Jamie Brower thanks Jamie. Great idea. Can you help me to better conceptualize what you mean? What are some points you’d like me to address? Thanks again!!
Thank you for your reply. I will give it my best shot. I’m wondering if you have an idea of what causes/root/foundation of the outward expressions of anger (lashing out, violence, impulsivity, reckless behaviors, etc.) of some people whereas others will internalize (self-loathing, self-harm, deprivation, etc.) and rarely explode but, when we do, it is rather unexpected/more volatile and more jarring for targeted people. I’m going to be a bit presumptuous and just throw impulsive/petulant vs discouraged/self-destructive as guides to my question, hoping you subscribe to those classifications at least to some degree. I’m trying very hard not to be leading in my framing because I don’t want to somehow influence your answers just to confirm my suspicions. If I’m correct, fine, but I want to get the professional take on the topic. If you wouldn’t mind, I am also interested in what has made you moved and passionate about working with people who have personality disorders when so many in your field refuse? I can’t count the number of times I’ve been rejected for even an initial visit. Getting treatment is virtually impossible so your videos are indispensable. I’m concluding a taper. If my explanations are not clear enough, please don’t hesitate to ask for more clarification and I’ll try again. Thank you, Dr. Fox.
Jamie Brower I think you identified the root via subtype. Why I work with and am passionate about working with those with BPD is attributed to my training and experience. Falsities frustrate me, particularly when it is aimed at those who really need help. Some folks are resistant but to lump all people with this disorder into one resistant group is wrong. I guess I’m also driven by a social justice component. I tried to be succinct and hope this helped and that I answered your questions.
You answered my question about why you work with people who have PDs. Thank you. As far as my other question...not as simple. Having encountered people bitter about their own experience with someone who has BPD - and having been called a monster (in the past week) by them simply because I have BPD and they feel justified in lumping us all together as an illness (assuming they’re even that understanding) instead of people - I’m a bit sensitive to the difference between myself and those who are more outward expressing. While I don’t care what someone who can’t decipher or has no interest in understanding thinks of me, I still have a personal interest in understanding why one person might be outward in their expression and another inward. Knowing the subtype explains the what but not the why/how. It isn’t a matter of trying to establish a hierarchy of expression in order to undermine outward expressing people (they’re dealing with their own kind of hell and I certainly don’t feel superior to them by any means). I’m familiar with people who have had a support system and those who have not. Is that the difference that causes one to express outwardly vs inwardly? It’s something I suspect but can’t verify because it becomes convoluted depending on who you speak to about it. Not to mention the number of armchair psychologists who conflate and try to diagnose people who might just be a-holes. They want an explanation - which I understand - but don’t want truth and lack compassion for the person they’re trying to stamp because they’re outside of their pay-grade (so to speak). Maybe there is no answer for my question [yet]. Anyway, I thank you for your time and efforts to help me with my questions. Enjoy your weekend.
@Dr. Daniel Fox I tried the 'shame exercise'. I closed my eyes and filled up a rucksack with all my self-shaming words and thoughts. It got heavier and heavier, until I could actually feel my back hurting from the weight of it. I struggled to take it off my back and dropped it over the edge of a cliff. THEN I heard the unmistakable screams of the people below. My rucksack had landed on a wedding party! I imagined the dead and injured. My shame increased exponentially. (Not even joking. I feel things very strongly, but my self shame is intense.)
Please do a video on shame spiraling. I have been following you for a while. I have BPD and I live in Australia. There isn’t a lot of research here, so your videos really help me. I’m a mum of five, I have two sets of twins 9 months apart. So my emotions are really all over the place. I started on 50mg of an antipsychotic getting me ready for trauma therapy. Please never stop making these videos. I show my phychitrist your channel an she has been watching you too!
@@DrDanielFox I love these videos! You are so non judgemental and enlightened about the struggles we have with this devastating illness! Thanks so much for caring!!
Wow. Thank you for this. So much. I have lived with toxic shame my whole life, and only over the past several years realizing that I am very likely BPD-diagnosable. I never could properly and accurately come up with the truest root cause of my shame issues, but you mentioning an upbringing that “makes one feel bad enough to do good” hit me like a ton of bricks. 100% the answer I have been looking for.
My anger is most disturbing when it's triggered by frustration. That's when I'm most likely to want to act in violence. Maybe 20 years ago (give or take a few) i learned to turn that violence against myself in the hope that it would be more manageable, but quickly discovered that it became more addictive. In 2015, I was involved with a narcissist, and hurt myself so badly that I had to convince the ER personnel that yes, it truly was self-inflicted. I had tried to crawl under his bed to restrict my mobility, and found his gun; this conjured images that frightened me into calmness, at which point I took myself to the hospital After the CT scan to ensure there were no facial fractures I slipped into shame, self-loathing, embarrassment that he was under suspicion (this was long before I understood his narcissism or that I have BPD) and fear. Now that I've learned more, in a more personal format than they teach in university, I'm in a much better place. Thank you, Dr. Fox, for helping me continue to improve.
Thanks for pointing out that it's not right to define my old bf as "narcissistic." I usually phrase it as, "he has NPD," though I'm struggling to accept that his NPD has triggered my worst episodes of BPD, which ultimately led to getting properly diagnosed. In trying to take responsibility for myself I've managed to lose sight of the fact that he is responsible for himself too, and not just "a narcissist." Good reality check!
I often find that if I try and reason out who is really to blame I end up feeling cowardly or lazy for 'taking the easy way out and blaming others for things that are my fault ' my brain refuses to entertain the idea that it's not all my fault so any thoughts to the contrary must just be me trying pathetically to feel better by falsely blaming others. I find it very difficult/ impossible to accurately lay out who is a fault and I end up feeling worse and get really down on myself for not being man enough to take responsibility. the lack of any solid place to stand is super frustrating and leads to endless loops of thoughts with no ability to come to a true conclusion. telling what is true from what I've persuaded myself I want to be true makes all arguments ect plunge into shame and self mockery 😀
Thank you so much for your videos on BPD. I got the diagnosis around 5 yrs ago and have been working hard at learning DBT skills, but struggle to understand sometimes how they relate to different aspects of my BPD, and how I can put them into practice/apply them to my life. I'm interested in the psychology behind it all, but looking online for resources is a minefield with all the stigma surrounding personality disorders, so it really is a blessing when I come across videos like yours that understand the illness and give me hope for a better, more stable and resilliant life ahead, and the possibility that I can be kinder to myself. I'd defiitely be interested in a video about the "BPD lens" you mention, when you have the time!
I really struggle to even show any emotions,and I get fed up in relationships can't be bothered to make any kinds of effort and wish they would just finish things,why do I do this Dr fox
Sounds like a coping mechanism to protect yourself. Maybe you give up because you feel like they'll give up on you, so you beat them to the punch. You just want to end it before they do to protect yourself from being abandoned. You're always ready to leave because you don't want to feel the pain of abandonment. It could stem from abandonment issues
Though I am not borderline, I have a lot of experience dealing with it. I can see this learned inherited toxic shame in a family line, the idea that you can make someone feel bad enough to do good is not just deliberately taught, but also valued as a virtue. Not having to deal with this in my direct family has allowed me to see this as an influence that has caused people to go to great length to prevent others from knowing about bad behaviour, sometimes committing deeds of worse behaviour to that end. Not wanting to risk anything, preventing one from putting oneself out there in any way I also see as an influence of toxic shame. Unfortunately this makes certain people not just tough to be around, but dangerous to be around.
My best reccomendations for recovery from toxic shame to radical self love and acceptance are Matt Khans videos and EFT Emotional freedom technique. Also I think there needs to be an increasing awareness of the desired otcome (I love and deeply accept myself) .
😈☣️ TOXIC☣️😈☣️SHAME😈☣️ JUST HEARING THOSE WORDS HURTS PENETRATING THE MARROW IN MY BONES! Okay, upon hearing those God-Horrible atrocious disgusting WORDS; I immediately wept a violent river of tears. This was extremely intense which caused a tsunami precipitated by a catastrophic earthquake.
I’ve carried toxic shame with me for many years...I’m so ashamed at some of my behaviours ,especially when I was younger and had young children. I’ve been able to empower myself to not allow spousal shame and blame,especially when I was diagnosed with BPD. I need now to work on my toxic shame,and your video here is so useful,thank you .
They abused me when no one else sees it. I was trying to be patient or just avoid them but I finally blew up. Now they've turned everyone against me. Now I realize they actually gaslighted me hiding/stealing from me when I first moved here. If I'd realized they were capable of that I would have left 3 years ago when I still had resources. I didn't realize my sister had become like my mother or I never would have come near her. I was always suicidal when I lived with my mother.
Wow. I used to think that the spiraling I went threw when thinking about stressful situation I was in was solely due to anxiety. This has taught me a lot about how I feel about these situations and how I view myself. I greatly appreciate these videos
Yes on the BPD lens video. I am always apologizing for everything, any tiny mistake or feedback especially work. Some bosses were abusive but now it's over everything. Thank you
a BPD lense video is much needed :) I have been having recurring BPD episodes everyday lately and these videos are helping me although i'm still struggling a lot with getting out of this BPD loop.. Thanks so much for these videos since I live in a small town and don't really have access to a mental healthcare provider
My ex told me he knows everything about BPD, but in reality he knew nothing, he then physically abused me because I verbally abused him, coz he pushed my buttons
I saw a comment on here saying that people over 60 are struggling with bpd here. It makes me feel incredibly buoyant to know that there are people on here who are so dedicated and aware of their mental health and want to be better individuals for themselves and the people around here when most people give into rigid patterns and behaviors!! What every one of you is doing is wonderful. Much love 💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for this video. I am on shame spirals daily, and trying hard to mindfully choose a positive thought instead. Your videos have helped me tremendously. I have BPD, but also dependent personality disorder, that is probably connected in some way to the borderline. I was wondering if you could please, please make a video with advice on how to function more effectively in relationships with this combination. Thanks so much for what you do.
I get so angry when I am not ashamed! All these toxic emotions, it sucks. Not all the time but when I spiral like I have since two nights ago.. Unfortunately, I have to live with the same family that damaged me, makes it all that much harder.
Making someone feel bad enough to do good things is a norm in our country's household. And it truly happened to me and even until as an adult, I had heard my father mention to my partner that I am difficult some time in the near past (considering I wasn't a problem child, I never had them called to school because of something I did at school. I was even one of the people teachers consider that are good examples.) Shame is something my parents made me feel a lot, especially in regards with sex. It took the better part of my ten year relationship to navigate through and try to fix that so that i can enjoy sex and orgasm without struggling with the wave of shame that comes with it. It's difficult to still be unpacking the stuff they've done and how it still affects me as an adult.
Thank you for these videos. I have Borderline and I was told I have bits of Quiet, Petulant, and Self Destructive traits. When I’m going through my mood swings, I’m trying to identify a little bit more when I’m onto those thoughts and emotions and trying to identify my triggers. Involving my inward anger, I’ve realized that a lot of it comes from my shame. I internalize other people’s mannerisms and moods thinking I’ve caused them to feel weighed down or burdened by them knowing me. That normally starts my shame spiral. You described perfectly how I feel and I definitely have problems expressing myself and my emotions as they are happening because I’ve been told. I listen to your videos as I’m feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts to remind myself this is bigger than me. It is something I must learn to control and center day by day. Thank you for that, it brings me great relief. Looking forward to more of your videos. I wish there were more doctors like you that don’t shun us and understand that us too, do want to get better, sometimes we just don’t know how to.
25% of BPD's have Narcissistic PD and I have encountered one... the more you feed the monster, the bigger the monster grows.... even anger feeds them. It's a no-win deal. She absolutely refuses to see her part in anything. The gaslighting, the lies, the unreasonableness, the aggression is just too much.
I believe that at least 10% of those with both BPD and NPD co-morbid are misdiagnosed, when in reality they probably just have vulnerable NPD without BPD, or just NPD itself.
hey, thank you so much for making this video, you really give words to some of the things i've been experiencing. and thank you for doing what you do, and offering hope. it really means a lot to me!
Thank you so much as the only child of a narcissistic father and a highly critical bpd mother, this video spoke so well to me. I have shared with my therapist so we can explore together
Dr. Fox, thank you for sharing such high quality information about BPD. Your talks lighten the load created by being raised by a BPD mother. Thank you.
I know im late Dr. Fox, but can extreme childhood bullying from a sibling both at home and at school cause Bpd? I relate to so much of what you say in your videos. Please help me to know if it's possible. Thank you Sir.
So one of my family's favourite sayings was ' if you have any good in your heart at all you would do this for me'. If that's not shaming me to do good I don't know what is. I was heavily criticised by my parents and although in my 50's now I struggle with not being good enough. I've only recently discovered that I have been diagnosed by my doctor with BPD. The doctors had decided not to tell me but said I had depression and anxiety. Now I know through DWP everything makes more sense. You're videos are helping me understand myself so thank you.
Astonished. This gentleman not only perceives and...understands this complex condition - but offers genuine helpful advice to those who are suffering. There's a message of hope in every conversation he shares. He's "pierced the veil" on a painful subject that has eluded Many professionals. I'm grateful to have discovered Dr. Fox; and smiling.
I have a REALLY hard time standing up for myself and saying what I mean. Like if someone is unkind to me or does something I don't like, I feel like I can't say anything. What can I do to start saying things?
Sometimes shaming isn't always coming from a place of " making you feel bad to motivate you to do good". It can also simply be straight out abuse meant to wound the person purposefully. There are some people out there not fit to be parents.
Dr. Fox, I can't thank you enough for these videos!!! They not only help me understand a lot, but also provide information on what I can do to to help myself.
All my mental health problems started in elementary school with shame. I was lazy and annoying and I had no one else to blame for being like that so I learned to be ashamed of myself. I feel like that was the beginning of all my problems that turned to chronic anxiety, depression and bpd. I felt like I deserved my depression, it was my punishment for being so bad.
You weren’t “lazy” by choice and mental illness was and is not your fault. It’s only taken me 60 years to get this through my head. I hope you can beat me.
Interesting . I have a narcissistic partner and when I noticed that he tries to motivate me by trying to make me feel bad, I explained that "I dont know where you got this idea from, but it doesnt work for me, in fact it does the opposite, I cant function if I feel bad about myself " And then I explained to him what does work to mobilise me. I felt bad for him because this must be how he treats himself on a regular basis. He must think "if I dont do my chores this morning then my household management will fall apart , Ill hate myslef for being lazy, other people will think I am lazy," as opposed to "if I get all,of my chores done in the morning then I will feel relaxed and be able to the whole afternoon to spend doing something lovely" This woild explains the some of the stress he often exhibits before he gets round to doing things, or indeed why, when he decides to put something off, he feels guilty and cant relax whilst lying in bed with that movie or book.
I wish he could help my 25 year old son, I am sure he has this...because this man has explained his life clearer than anything else. Thank you for your videos.
I tend to feel like because I am the one with BPD and have these different issues, it must all be my fault. Thank you for reminding us that we are not our diagnosis or the only players in negative situations.
24 year old male here who got diagnosed with BPD. I'm wondering how legitimate my diagnosis is. It first came as a shocker, because I've dated borderline woman and I don't relate to them at al. but now watching your videos and doing research online, I understand that this curse takes many forms and I actually do might suffer from it. one day I told my psychiatrist that I feel worthless if I don't see people for 3 days or have sex. She told me that that is typical for BDP. Also the way you describe bdp in your videos resonate very much with my personality. best luck to all who suffer from BDP. It really sucks knowing you can feel wonderful and confident, then go to bed and when you wake you feel like a worthless loser who will never accomplish anything. It's a damn rollercoaster ride
Trying to find peace I have isolated to a single friend who most of the time makes jokes about me sugaring it with "you are so sweet". I work really hard on being friendly and optimistic to others, but in reality I don't know who I am. I am just tired of trying to figure it out.
This describes me exactly. Though the humbling part comes from feeling that I'm too arrogant so I have to humble myself to people. I'm kind of a know-it-all, so humbling myself is actually effective in some situations. idk thanks for the food for thought. I guess I have trouble finding a happy medium. I do "thank you" waves too. hehe I have found that volunteering helps me feel useful, buuut it's hard to put myself out there to do it.
I appreciate how you pick apart negative or painful behaviors and suggest new approach. Explaining why there are different levels of shame. What drives the original toxic shame ruminations?
From the 5 or so videos that I have watched from you so far, it seems to me that, in my humble opinion, if you totally deleted religion from the world, most of these psychological and emotional problems would simply ......... disappear. I grew up in a very clickish Christian religion, and one that, if you really studied the so-called "faith" of its followers, you might find many of them are in the church only for personal reasons, whether to further their occupation opportunities or attempt to simply have group backup. But if I were a betting man, you would find most of them don't even believe in all the dogma garbage. Religion, and its shaming history (do good or burn in hell forever, along with extreme ostracizing) by nature causes all these mental problems. Just saying..... And I have always had severe self shaming my entire life. İt sucks big, fat, hairy rocks to no end. It is truly immobilizing.
another great video that addresses something a lot of BPD treatment doesn't cover. Thank you so much. at the program I attend, we've been watching your video during our Borderline recovery groups. and they've been helping a lot of people. also YES PLEASE do a video on the BPD LENS. that would be so helpful and informative, because that's like a huge part of it. I also just want to say thank you again. Because you take the time out of your life to do this. And you do it in a way that keeps the humanity while removing the stigma from BPD. It just seems like a lot of professionals wouldn't go through the trouble of doing this, but its so helpful.
I constantly feel shame that I’m not good enough, talented enough, capable enough. I know I’m smart and Somewhat talented in certain areas, but I constantly feel like I can’t reach my dreams, because I really don’t know what I’m capable of doing and/or becoming so it leads me to constantly think that I should give up and I really don’t want to give up because I want my dreams to come true but my self esteem is often low and gets in my way and it’s hard for me to even overcome.
Wish you were my doctor. I didn’t know that this heavy, self deprecating feeling that I am unlovable and all my past impulsive mistakes and broken relationships just add up and eventually it eroded my sense of self. I have really struggled to see myself any other way but broken and unlovable I have come a long way since my twenties and early thirties (I am now 39) but I still have a long way to go. I have a constant sense of intense fear and loneliness and I end up isolating . I have a 7 year old daughter with Autism so I am desperately trying to get my mess together . I thank you Doctor for these videos . I finally built up the courage to share them with my Mom and my boyfriend of 11 years. Thank you
When I was diagnosed with BPD, I met all criteria except inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, because I suppress it and stay passive out of a fear of abandonment. What’s odd is that this suppressed anger makes my toxic shame almost constant. I am constantly bombarded by this feeling that I am bad because I am simply just feeling angry (my childhood trauma also taught me that it’s bad to be angry). It’s this long term unjustified shame and it’s so painful. Interpersonal effectiveness has always been the hardest DBT module for me because of this. Just the idea of asserting myself makes me feel ashamed. Great video!
Dr. Daniel Fox, I wanna thank you so much, your videos inspires me and gives me hope. Thank you because all the topics you talk about gives me a chance to think and reflect about my suffering! Maybe one day (if I didn't loose one video about that topic you already made) could you please talk about Bpd and becoming a mom? How to manage your traits to grow an healthy and happy child? Sorry for my bad english! Big hugs from Italy!
Dr Fox, finding your videos has changed my life. I’m 52 and in treatment for BPD. I’m also in an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who is on the ASD. To those people who say we can’t love or be appropriately intimate, I say it’s a challenge, but it’s possible with the right insight and support. Thank you for your videos Dr Fox and for putting the humanity before the disorder.
