Someone who could live only through us, a double whammy, ditching them removes a part of ourselves, our instinct tells us this stalling our inevitable no contact scenario, keeping them alive keeps that piece of us alive too but at too steep a price!
Exactly. The sudden realization the relationship was a lie, a lie they created to use you for their own survival needs, a false narrative. The death of a friend, or maybe a family member, is like a death. I am still morning
I was line in a grocery store, and when I got to the cashier she looked into my eyes and gave me a very kind and empathetic greeting. I immediately started to cry and had to stop myself. I was shocked at my reaction because I'm usually the one who gives kind, empathetic greetings to complete strangers. Even she understood that I was overwhelmed by her kindness and gave me an understanding smile. I didn't realize how neglected I was feeling from a lifetime of trying to please Neglectful Narcissists.
That's what keeps me hopeful, I have been abused by toxic energies all my life and just now learning in my 30's that other genuine empathic ppl do exists. my family circle has always pushed this narrative that all people are unkind and selfish. I myself am greeted frequently with acts of kindness and my Narc gets so angry with those interactions you can see steam coming from his head. LOL Those false narratives my family like to keep of evil ppl everywhere, I debunk often with my personal experiences. So Please whenever possible be kind, judge less, and smile it could literally save someone life
Oh I so get this. My boss said something nice to me once last week and broke down. I felt like what kind of life am I living that a kind word from someone I don’t even really know was like a lifeline to something on the realm of good.
@@shamonshontay5644 my daughter always says to her kids when they leave for school each day, “ have a great day, make good choices, be a good friend “ It makes me cry 😢 every time I hear that. It could make the difference in someone’s life every day. ♥️ I wish I’d heard that from my parents...
You know the saddest thing that kills me? That my narc used to go and on saying “I hate injustice. It makes me upset”. Wow. These people are literally dead inside
Nobody else could ever understand this, unless they have experienced it.Thank you Dr. Ramani.Most people tell me to “Just get over it.” That one stings!
I understand that! My mother said it the other day when I told her I didn't care if I ever went to FL again because of all the memories of trips there with my ex. She literally said, Get over it...it's been 4 years now. I was floored. But, it made me realize something more about my relationship with her.
Grieving takes different time spans for different people. People that tell you to "get over it ", are triggered inside themselves when they see you doing griefing process fully. These are people that run from pain an learning , and rather chose to continue their life broken inside. Take your time to fully recover. Don't rush anything. You're a human being, not a machine. When the time is right you will have healed.. pain keeps us from repeating the same mistake twice. So don't ignore pain. All the best to you girls and a good recovery 🙌
I met my ex at a chain business, and recently visited one of their locations. After a pleasant interaction with one of the employees, I was surprised to find myself crying on the way home. I realized that what should have been a happy, cute story of how I met my ex was instead the story of how I met my abuser. I grieved the loss of the fairytale and happily ever after.
Yes I just went through a similar phenomenon recently with thinking of an ex! And it went just like how you described, and the worst memory that gets me to miss the fairy tale is when the narcissistic guy took me out on a legit date. He picked me up at my apartment and we rode to his place on his amazing motorcycle, we went to the movies in the Park, he brought a picnic and wine, and we snuggled up on a blanket watching Casablanca with everyone on a warm summer night near DC. It was an intoxicating memory and a night I will remember every day of my life, but it was just a way to make himself look good.
The loss of fairytale is exactly how I feel…I stuck my neck out and took a chance with the most thoughtful , romantic fake of all time. My “ over the rainbow, dreams really do come true” has been destroyed . Crying like a baby as I write this …I’m sorry for your pain and I hope you’re in a better place, since this was posted a year ago . I’m about 6 months in and crawling back.
I cry constantly at everything right now because narcissistic abuse has wormed its way into every relationship in my life, I cried at this video too because I actually feel seen and like I'm not alone in this kinda embarrassing, overly emotional at films/TV thing!
Every time I see a parent laughing with their child, I'm reminded that my narcissistic parent used to constantly tell me that my laugh was disgusting and that I needed to change it. Seeing their simple happiness is devastating.
This happens to me all the time. Whenever I see a male character being loving, supportive, kind to a woman, it reminds me how my own husband never treated me that way and how much I craved that kind of caring from him.
I think a lot of us are also grieving the idea of it all, the dream the life we thought we were going to have with the narcissist that did not end up happening that way and also the time we have lost in the process. And off course it may also be the love of a parent that we never received.
Yeah and sometimes there are narcissistic and abusive parents out there who'll say "no family is perfect" Like damn, is it so bad to ask for respecting, loving, and a caring family that doesn't end up in manipulation and shit??
Yes! And my grief sometimes turns to guilt because I was the one to walk away and I thought maybe I gave up too soon and I hope I didn’t hurt them as much.
Count me in to the stats of people who are triggered by anything that depicts healthy, loving, caring, kind, thoughtful and respectful relationships. Anything that even remotely depicts tender human connections breaks my heart and causes me to cry because it brings my nightmarish reality back into my conscious awareness. It reminds me of all the dreams and hopes I once had and how used, abused, empty and alone I now feel after decades of giving it my all.
Me, too, Pearl. If I see old couples walking together, holding hands, I feel all the pain of my loss. And since I’ve started watching these videos and reading the heartfelt comments, I know this sorrow hurts all of us here. But I’m so grateful to Dr. Ramani for her wisdom and for starting this community as a family of survivors. When those triggers happen, I have learned I can shake it off, now that I know I am not alone. You are not alone, either, Pearl, we are all travelers on this rocky road, and out here, we are thinking of you with support and wishing you comfort and healing. Try to be as kind to yourself as we would be to each other today, if we were sharing a cup of tea. Smiles through tears, and we move forward together.
Totally get it. I am sorry. It’s painful realizing that you never had what you thought you did. But now, you have honesty and you are on the road to authenticity
I cry in true crime shows -when the mother talks about how she knew right away something was wrong because her daughter didn’t message or talk on the phone, and they did that every day. That’s the level of connection with my mother, that I grieve. Thanks for sharing Dr Ramani!
I cry too! But it's because my daughter's narcissistic EX (thank God) managed to drive a wedge between us from the moment they started dating in high school and continued for the 25 years they were married. What should have been and could have been just normal mother/daughter angst ( I admit to not being perfect) was weaponized at every possible moment. We never had the truly close adult bond I had dreamed of when she was born. He has been out of the picture for several years now. And you would not be surprised to know he destroyed his relationship with four of their five children. The only one that stays close to him is his golden/care giver child. the others have as little to do with him as possible.
I started sobbing when NASA’s Perseverance rover landed on Mars and the team began cheering. My 8 year old daughter looked at me like I was crazy. I think I mourn all the opportunities that I was robbed of because of my mother’s narcissistic abuse and dealing with complex PTSD throughout my 20’s and 30’s. It had not been until age 38 when I left my abusive husband and discovered that he is a narcissist and that my mom is a narcissist too and that I have been suffering from complex PTSD (oh and that my Dad was not my Dad and my parents lied to me my whole life) that I understood the true narrative of my life. I wish I could go back and put my intelligence and ambition and energy into something of worth and value. Seeing people who did that celebrate together for their achievement made me sad for my own loss.
I m so much understand you. In our loves without parents only our true maternal love to our children help us from fall to deep darkness and we didnt lost hope then. But If we are not imagine why se suffered before, the we are still blind and able toive with on daily basis narcissist abuse from partners and husbands. This is part of life from 20' to 30'. My hudband release me my mental healt to nearly suicide thoughts. And in this hard moment I decide important power of loving to my children. Again they are show me, what I have since their born - trully loving entities. I understand this very well and its reason, why narcissist will not break me never. But it s so.hard to see growing my childrens to be confident happy creative and clever people. So I decide I need to comeback to my nightmare and také a help hand to inner child, and let it grow toghether with my childrens. It was way to end from my suffering and I m on my way to healing. My mothers is alcoholic since high school. Alcohol addiction helped she developed person in other way, what she needed, becouse her father brings to her horrifying childhood. He is( correctly in my opinion IT is- becouse I can't describe nothing same in our world) introver, chameleon changing stages od worst charaxteristjc of dark tetrad narcisst. He i covert schyzoid preadatory sexual abuser, voyer, stalker, who always whatch you and didnt let you go never. As mother two kids and still daughter of severe menthal damaged mother I could to change my hatred to her to understood the truth side among she. Becouse she Is so lost in her imagine phantasmagoric world. She was allways broad spectrum talented and I m so proud for her art. But It is cover under black darkness, becouse she has very highly developed malevolant creativity botu with dark tetrad sadistic, secondary psychopathy and schizoid part of personality. Her endlesy creativity to cause sadistic hurt and harm people around she is more severe then death by black hole! She is perfect tool bring to armagedon in our world from underworld. She damaged too much people in her life, their soul and hearths, also she didnt fear to harm their innocent animals.She hasnt border and respect to their pesonaly needs, space and propriet. She Is good to see, better then others in people pallete of emotions, foundation of their human soul and she know very well how direct power of darkness there, what it couse people around entity with body but with no soul. She was damaging me also before my birth, so I was suffering long time from FASD, she know it very well and she always wanted to tool for her victim custody. But I always be more clever, kind person and beliver to self, love and hope, then she able to feel and her rage for it was insane. It s feeling like be hated with worst grudge becose I was born and I am only exist. It severe negeclect everything in my own reality, It s worst ghastling ever, what you manipulate you to feel that you never born, you are not there, you are not any type of any matter from space. It was my childhood with golden child sister. I was scapegoated at my 19 years old, thanks god. I m now 34 and I m something like truth teller, and grandfather send me message with all flying monkeys, that I m most hated retarded failure of our "family". I dont care, I m happy with my kids and I m stading only beside to good kind people to able belive my story. I understand, if they didnt belive me first time, becouse it s worst then biggest know nightmare, so I dont worry. I m not loosing my hope to clear light into this darkness.
I too suffer from C-PTSD and grieving over lost opportunities due to a narcissist mother. Who I thought loved & was supportive, but found out it was all a lie in the last few yrs. I had no children & no career. I too wish I could go back in time a change a few things, example choose a career. And stayed away from my NM. Your not alone. I cry at the weirdest parts of movies or shows. Loving my NM cost me everything.
@@Truthseeker-lf5kn I understand; my narcissistic brother destroyed what could have been. The one thing I can say with certainty is that I am glad you have survived these ordeals and if you are able to watch these videos and are able to comment here, then you are a SURVIVOR and I salute your courage.
any scene where parents have a lot of patience with children who show normal emotions and talk spiritedly. Actually talking to the child about what they said.
I remember standing in line at his request buying mother's day flowers for his mom, sunglasses on and tears streaming down my face. It was my second mother's day as a new mom, myself. The second year he didn't acknowledge me for my role as his child's mother. When I later asked why he never acknowledged me on mother's day, he simply said, "You're not my mother." The tears were my grief for the loss of a narrative, for constantly feeling invisible with this man.
@@marlyhawkes3046 When someone doesn’t give us basic respect and kindness, even the smallest of things start appearing selfish. That’s the world that narcissists make for us. In hindsight though, the whole experience with them was worthwhile. Not for the horrid moments, but for what those moments taught us - strength, kindness, self-confidence, resilience. The world, rather our “world” with those narcissists in them, cannot be expected to give us kindness and love. But why should we care if we don’t get it from this “world”? There is a place in our own hearts that can give us the support we need. Call it God, call it something else. Our job is to fill our own cup with love from that wellspring, and then to share it with everyone. Then ‘like’ starts attracting ‘like’.
I’m so sorry for your hurt. I’ve been through this. Many years later he started making a big deal about Mother’s Day. It was all fake so he could look good in front of our son, also because he knew he should. Unfortunately, he got worse and worse in more covert ways. I had to run for the hills. Separated 9 months about to file for divorce after 26 years married to this poor soul.
Any scene where a person stood up for a family member instead of throwing them under a bus gets to me. I've never experienced this. I always intervened and stood up for someone being bullied or misused but my family and my husband would literally join in with the bullies when it came to me. A while back, a customer got rude with me at work. My manager intervened and took over. I almost cried. I've never had anyone step in like that.
@L I hear you. Whenever I’m watching something and the person says, I would like to thank my parents for all the support they gave me to help me to reach my dreams! I just cry and think, what’s that like?? 😢
This happened to me at work. One of my colleagues told me my feelings mattered in the most casual way and I was just sitting in the office in tears after hours. I dunno why but while what N’s do doesn’t seem like much it really impacts you in the long run.
I’ve been experiencing this, but I didn’t realize it was from dealing with narcissists. I literally bawl my eyes out every time someone does anything nice for someone else. It could be the smallest thing...
I recently cried from watching the video to Reba McEntire's "Is there life out there". The husband in the video was so kind, encouraging, and understanding. At one point, her child spills coffee all over a very important paper she had worked on for a long time. She becomes very angry and the husband steps in, hugs her in her anger, and then sends her to calm down while he cares for the children. Also, he begins to clean up her paper. He dries the paper, carefully lays them out, and then binds them together for her wife. I cried so much. I kept thinking, "I've never been with a man who would have done anything like that for me. They would have said it was my fault for leaving a drink so close to the papers. Or shamed me for getting angry. But never, ever would they have treated me with that level of loving kindness" And it broke my heart. Still does. I'm crying while writing this.
When I was doing university work at home my husband would grab the book away from me and toss it away. I was not allowed to do the courses when he was home.
@@SBecktacular Please don't give up on men just yet - some of us are actually quite nice, if a little helpless. I, for example, have yet to work out where trousers come from. I strongly suspect that my wife has something to do with the way that they just appear when I need them!
Andrew Graeme oh I’d be a fool to say they’re ALL bad- But I’ve had quite the education, And the patterns I’ve noticed keep me vigilant. Not to mention how women have been pushed down since the beginning of time- Narcissistically blamed for the downfall of humanity, while men get all the accolades. Utter bullshit story - But it “serves “ them , so whatever.
Andrew Graeme Oh, and did I forget to mention that GOD is “supposedly “ a male? How much more f’n narcissist can you get? You CANT- Male= GOD Female = the one who f’d everything up Lol THAT my dear “sir” is our unspoken reality. Don’t respond, just sit with it and ponder the implications.
Dr. Ramani describes exactly how I feel. Whenever a friend says to me “I can’t believe you’re still so upset after leaving him over a year ago,” I try to explain that I’m not necessarily upset over HIM, I’m upset over losing the narrative, what I thought my life would be, the promises he made me and never kept, the last three years of my 30s that I spent on him and now possibly not able to have children naturally.. I’m upset over lost time… resources spent .. moving for him/us… I grieve these things every single day. Thank you Dr. Ramani for explaining this, so may people that have left their abusive ex narcs feel this way. Like so many things were stolen from us.
There was a Japanese film that came out about 17 years ago called “Nobody Knows” which follows a group of small children who are left to look after themselves because their immature, narcissistic mother leaves them constantly for “relationships” and “new boyfriends”. The thing is they have to keep their domestic situation quiet or else the authorities might find out and they’ll all be taken away. The responsibility falls on the eldest son who is 9 years old. He has to look after his younger siblings, keep home, feed everyone etc. I cried the whole time I watched it because I could relate to having to cover up for my parents shortcomings, inadequacies and ineptitude and putting a brave face to the world and not realizing for years that the problem wasn’t me at all but the situation and the people around me.
@SparkJoy It's funny you should mention the film "Nobody Knows." It triggered a similar response in me. I even asked my sister to watch that film to see if she would get the same reaction. The film reminded me of how I and my four siblings literally had to "bring ourselves up on our own" because of the lack of support, nurturing, and empathy from both our parents.
Parents took credit when all the grown-up children turned out alright. From a young age I was brainwashed by my parents to think that as the eldest I'm financially responsible for all my siblings (that I should go out to work as soon as possible), on top of having to care for my siblings while my parents do their own thing outside of work - golf, church, socializing, parties etc. I was the only one who had to do household chores(like Cinderella!) They guilt trip me to sacrifice my education, ambitions and hard earned money for my siblings instead of planning for my own future, when it was actually their responsibility as parents to do so. It's only now as a mother myself that I came to the realisation that my parents were using me to care for their other children. They only "loved" me for as long as I was useful, bcoz now that I have to prioritise my own children they show their true colours - they never cared about me.
The loss of a narrative. Grieving almost our sense of justice. That is so profoundly true. Thank you for your videos. I am finding them, consistently, most intelligent and affirming. Bless you.
I cannot recite a specific movie but I can recall tearing up seeing fathers and mothers showing selflessness, nurturing and compassion to their children something I really did not receive.
I m really sorry my dear i wish i were there to give u hug , my heart cries for every neglected child or person in the world n if given a chance by God i would definitely try to make it up on their parents behalf 💔🥀
Not a movie, but when I was about 10 years old, I borrowed a book from the library about a little girl who had been adopted by a very kind single woman. As I read, I remember soaking up all the warmth, gentleness, and nurturing the little girl received. At the time, I didn't understand why, but I read and reread that book obsessively, and borrowed it many more times from the library until my mother forbade me to bring it home again. I never forgot the story, and years later (thanks to Amazon), I was able to find an old copy of the book and it now has an honored place on my bookshelf. I once heard that there is the trauma of what happened to you......but what didn't happen (and should have) is equally as traumatic. Great topic, Dr. Ramani
Your story of your relationship to the book is heartwarming. I wonder if the retreading of it helped to rewire your brain to help you heal the trauma you experienced. What is the title? I would love to read it too.
@@carmenramirez1832 , thank you! The book is Catherine's Bells by Florence Musgrave. It's quite old (like me!), copyright 1954. I read it as a young girl in the early 60's. We were not well off financially so the only way I got my hands on books was at the library.
@@carmenramirez1832, I don't know if it rewired my brain at all....I grew into adulthood with some pretty huge holes in my soul. But I found so much comfort in that story, and was too young to understand why.
The comments I have read demonstrate how essential these communities are. So many of our stories reach into each other's. We recognize, understand & grieve for each other. You all give me such hope & strength. My thanks to Dr Ramani & this amazing community of survivors. Be strong & well.
I agree. Great observation! We have such simple yet significant life moments: the experience of seeing what we long for in action in fiction or real life.
I agree with you. The first book I ever read about this kind of abuse shocked me because it seemed like the author had been in my bedroom, in my head… I didn't know anyone else was experiencing anything like this. Now with Dr Ramani giving bite size pieces of understanding, it's liberating, validating! It makes me feel like I could be whole some day. My heart goes out to all of you who have been harmed this way, who aren't sure if they can even trust their own thoughts. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
It’s like the grief when you catch your beloved person being completely disloyal and cheating. When someone does something very caring, loving and warm you always were craving, but never received.
After my abuse, I lost interest in watching movies and tv series (given I have spent big chunk of my life on them). I figured that they weren't an accurate representation of reality.
true art is about soothing and improve upon, making us reach beyond yourselfs, some series is about fake belief systems and are very detrimental to mental health, they enable disordered behaviours and yes, are nauseating to watch.
I always cry watching This Is Us, a TV series because even when they show how every character has their faults, they as a family are very united, they have their problems but support each other, they solve their problems with communication, with love, and yes, I literally cry at the end of every episode.
I was going to say that too..I love how Jack calls her "Beck"..it seems so endearing and a sign of true connection. I immediately contrast that to what I was called and it makes me tear up.
My “waterworks” become full blown in church. Just hearing that I am loved unconditionally and God’s grace is a gift that I don’t have to earn. I remember hearing Jesus loved me in church and was taken aback by it as a 5 or 6 year old as I did not feel any heartfelt love at home.
I can not remember so much of my childhood and I ask the Lord why ??? Please give me back my memories and I think that he doesn't want for me to remember ???
Last time I went to church at Christmas this happened to me too, I couldn’t stop crying and I’ve never really understood why that happened. It was really embarrassing I was with my partners family, now I look back and really laugh about it because seeing everyone’s reaction was really funny, but I’ve never been back since haha
In first season of Sopranos, Tony is making ice cream sundaes for him and his son. It's a lighthearted, no words, sweet moment of bonding and love. Even though I'm a woman and my mother is the narc, I suddenly cried and got so sad. This was just last week, so interesting that I am now seeing this wonderful video. Thank you for helping me not feel alone in this grief.
Two years free from my abuser, things are far far better. To those recovering, be strong. Be patient. It is very difficult, but time does heal. The sheer mental break that occurs with the realization that complete broken intentional evil does exist in the world. Not demons, but consciousless disordered humans. To those of us who exist within the realm of humanity, empathy, truth.. their existence is so unconscionable, that this very fact alone is enough to damage us. Their evil, abuse, and depravity is just icing on the cake of chaos. I still encounter my own moments of memory. Of grief over the sheer lunacy and illogic that their world is. How they drag us into their chaos, then blame us for it. Where they lie to themselves in a blatant fashion to project their evil into you and others..then they enrage when you point out their lunacy. Their anger, is because they know they are lunatics in denial. The anger is their immature attempt to quell the truth. The reality of what they are. Terrible creature that technically aren't even human in the genuine conscious sense.
When I was younger, I reacted with cynicism and even repulsion to movies that showed loving relationship between parents and their kids, thinking “this is so damn cheesy, nobody actually acts that way! Puke!” Now I get emotional because I realise why I thought no one would ever act that way.
Its harder when its your own family and you were born without choice. Disenfranchised grief is a tricky beast, no matter the work you do sometimes it just hits you how complex and messed up your life has been. The gift we get is strength even if it feels hopeless. We have insight that they never get. I love movies with happy families even when they make me cry.
Well said! And youre right. As an adult Im strong, kind and loving. I think this grew out of seeing and feeling first hand what its like to be on the other side. Other times I joke I was adopted.
My husband and I have been married 37 years. Last year he told me "I'm starting to really love you, and I'm not lying this time." I cried for all the years I thought he loved me and he didn't. It explains all the loneliness and rejection I've felt in this marriage.
I understand this all too well. Except now I feel cold. Realizing all the years were lies and fake just in my head are hard to accept. I feel like I lost my ability to Care now.
Yes! I told my counselor that I am grieving not for the end of a 26 year relationship, but rather I am grieving for what should have been and never was. Once the separation and divorce are final, I Plan on having the adventures that I could Not have while married to a narcissist.
Same here! 20+ years locked down and now I’m looking forward to experiencing 20 years worth of adventures. Still struggling with dating and difficulty trusting myself though.
For me it's scenes of love between parents and their children in movies/tv shows, or simply watching happy families go about their day that just makes me tear up sometimes, because I don't ever remember that being the case in my life. There may have been pictures of my childhood that seemed just as happy as those strangers on the street, but I know the monstrous reality that was hidden underneath, the part that was so painfully hidden in public. Its scenes of utter trust that children have in their parents who will do whatever it takes to be there for them, or even just a young person with their mentor or role model. It makes me tear up just thinking about it because I know that I'll never have that from my father, and even with my mother it has been scarce. I've had to learn from a young age that I have to be there for myself and can't expect any other person to understand, if they hadn't been through the same thing themselves.
My octopus teacher on Netflix. The movie brought up how unsafe I felt around my narcissistic family. To watch an octopus trust a human was AMAZING! To realize I could never trust my family was absolutely heartbreaking. I couldn't stop crying. The truth really does hurt.
A beautiful film. I love how you saw how much trust is so important to you and how it was demonstrated between an octopus and a human. I hope you have found others that you can trust. You deserve it.
Omg same here. I used to wish that someone like her would come and save me. And then I'll have a better life. I used to watch that movie over and over too. Wishing and hoping
That moment when you realise you’ve spent a lifetime constructing a parental relationship which was never there, and never will be, is the loneliest feeling. It took me by surprise when I couldn’t stop crying for hours, after watching a documentary about kids in care.
I get this completely, when I realized my mother was a narc, my imaginary loving mother I had made up in my had suddenly died and I was going through grief for a while, mourning her loss.
@@hanaanasir7791 Absolutely right. Like those children in care I realised I’d never really had a mother either. It’s hard to grieve for an ‘illusion’, when the person is still alive.
@@suzannehenderson4350 You are not alone, we are not alone, your pain resonates with so many just like you, including me. As painful as it was at first, I’m glad I know the truth because with it came empowerment, fulfillment and control of my life, answers to questions I always had and true happiness. I wish you power, strength and peace x
When I finally realized that I had been married to (and abused by) a narcissist for 31 years, it was such a HUGE relief to know that none of the trouble was caused by me. But the grief now occurs EVERY day that I don’t get to speak to my only kid who is being controlled and manipulated by her narcissistic mother. The kid hasn’t spoken to me in five years.
Last time I cried was watching a trailer for a new movie. Don’t remember the name but it was about husband abusing the wife and the last bit I saw I believe she was in court and these people said to her. Why didn’t you leave ? And she said everyone asks me that but no one ever asks why he didn’t stop the abuse. Very poignant I though
Every once in awhile, a single line just hits me, and I hope it hits everyone else. "Everyone asks why I didn't leave, but no one asks why he didn't stop."
Wow, thats a good insight and shows how common it is to just accept abuse as being a part of society and not giving enough accountability to abusers, not putting THEIR feet to the fire and making THEM defend their abusive actions.
They don't stop because they enjoy control over you. They enjoy hurting you. No matter how hard it is to swallow: it is our responsibility to stop allowing it . They just will not. I had to, no regrets. Take back your power ladies!
Such a powerful discussion here ! They go into victim blaming, because blaming the victim is easier than admitting that the perpetrator is an incurable ashole that should be locked away for the sake of humanity.
Tangled makes me cry especially at the end when Rapunzel reunites with her parents. After my trauma with my own Mother Gothel, i know I won't ever have another chance at having loving parents.
YES! The way Mother Gothel tries to steal Rapunzel's joy at every turn, she literally sucks the life out of her. It made me weep uncontrollably and I was completely taken off guard.
@@ScentualBeauty awwwwwww yes! A minor detail that made me cry was after Gothel falls out of the tower window, Rapunzel reaches her hands out as if she wanted to catch her. After all of the abuse and knowing she stole her from her parents and knowing Gothel was going to lock her up forever just to use her, Rapunzel still loved Gothel. That's how I felt about my narc.
I was listening to the song Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots. The line: “Wish we could turn back time to the good old days when our mamas sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out.” strikes me hard. My narcissistic mother did sing to me and rub my back at bedtime occasionally. The heartbreaking thought occurred to me that she was perfectly capable of being empathetic, but her volatility was so extreme and so frightening. It still is. 😔
I have a REAL good cry whenever a parent consoles the child after the death of a beloved pet! My MOTHER would BLAME ME after any pet died, IT WAS MY FAULT! I still to this DAY believe that I can cause ANY DEATH no matter how hard I try or sacrifice for anything living in my REALM! When she died I believed it was MY FAULT!
You are stronger than all that. As a young child I was told that I was a liar, thief, and cheat for many years and I thought the only type of ppl that I could or would attract was that but the truth is ALL of my guardians I mean ALL of them were projecting their behaviors onto me, I was and still am a person of fairness and high integrity and often times in the past when incidents arose, I unjustly took the fall bc it would keep the peace & save those that committed the crimes. Which only confirmed the false identity they gave me of me being what they called a BADASS HELL GAL. I got counseling and learned how to set boundaries but now those same people mock & judge me for my choices of integrity it hurtful bc these ppl are very close family members. But I am learning to Love honor and respect who I am. I also limit connection as much as possible and I always try to remember that Narc loves to throw you under the bus & is motivated in posturing themselves as better than you, even if you're their sacrificial lamb. Geesh the mind games these ppl play is demonic in nature, Good luck on your road to recovery. You are bigger than all of this!
I was living in Fla when my father dropped dead of a heart attack in our back yard in Pa. I was 1000 miles away, a newly graduated RN. My father had called me asking about symptoms, I told him to see a doctor. Two months later he died. At the funeral my mother told me it was my fault he had died. So cruel.
the last film I cried soo much was the final scene in homeward bound where the pets return to the loving arms of their family after crossing half of the country. the scene is clearly supposed to be emotional, but still it took me by surprise to cry so much. I felt an overwhelming sense of grief about the lack of a home and sense of belonging due to my narcissistic family of origin.
A guided meditation tape that asked me to visualize myself surrounded by loving guardians caused me to erupt in tears. This was years ago, and at the time, my reaction just puzzled me. Now I know it is because I had never felt that kind of safety and did not think I deserved it.
Loss of "family" expectations. Father passed. Narcissistic Mother and brother behavior full throttle. And I finally recognized it as such at 64 years old. Sought out "family" of choice. God's love is unconditional. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Namaste 🙏♥️
The losses of what one hoped and projected into a relationship with a narcissistic partner are much more difficult to grieve than a two-person, non-narcissitic relationship. You lose what wasn't. It's baffling.
This is what happened to me after my Mother died of a brain tumor. Through that devastating grief I learned that so many people who I considered to be my friend were never my friends to begin with!
It is truly baffling. I just got out with my kids after 24 years. What a mix of emotions. So so difficult. It's like I've been grieving for 22 of those 24 years. I couldn't begin to heal because I still saw him everyday and wanted it to work so badly. I just plain wanted him. I hope it won't take the same amount of time to heal.
@@kiki-fz9kg Exactly. Feels like they steal your soul, your life, and leave you wondering if they ever actually had any real feelings. It's so sick. It's hard to see the damage done to myself, my kids, and others but also miss them. Odd. I feel bad for anyone dealing with this type of person.
The moment I got triggered was when I was watching a makeup tutorial by Dominique Sachse and she started just chatting about her mother. Talking about their wonderful relationship and how blessed she was to have her Mother b/c she was so kind and thoughtful. It tore me apart. I was so triggered it ruined my whole day and I just sat there weeping for something I knew I never had and never would have. It really shook me and I now realize that I need to stay away from triggers like that b/c it's not helpful (not that I know when they are coming but now I stop watching it if it comes up). I'm content and at peace with having no contact with my own mother. Not seeing her is the kindest thing I can do for myself. I haven't seen my Mom now for more than 2 years and it's so much better for my mental health.
I saw this it broke me up for opposite reasons. My mother who was kind and wonderful has passed over six years ago. However just about every man in our lives has been narcissistic or A Narcissist. She’d warned me not to marry my husband - who was merely a narcissistic jerk. Her heart would be broken at the relationship that came after. Full on sociopathic abusive Narcissist. I was set up for it based on conditioning. My mother went no contact with my father before it was even a “thing” now I admire it knowing how far the research into that pathology has come. I used to be angry she cut ties for all of us. Now I see why she did.
It surprisingly snuck up on me while I was watching a movie and yes, I was crying because I was coming to terms with losing the NARRATIVE-- not losing the narcissist! I cried uncontrollably when there was a scene where a neglectful husband realized he had be neglecting his wife and kids, and he was about to lose them so he gave up the job that was pulling him away and vowed to never put anything before them again. I remember feeling overwhelmed with grief because I wished my ex would've realized it and changed before I walked away. But also I realized that I had been playing out a false narrative the entire marriage... I had to come to terms with the fact that my life isn't a story of "good relationship gone bad".. because it never was actually good (healthy).
In the same year I was discarded by my narc, I lost my sister to dementia and my brother to Covid. The grief I felt for being discarded surpassed by far what I felt losing my family members. One of my greatest regrets is that the narc’s love bombing distracted me from properly grieving my family. I am furious with myself for allowing the narc to distract me at these sorrowful times. Then she threw me in the trash heap. A cold-hearted woman is thriving and destroying other people!
Watching this again 6 mths later. This time I'm sobbing all the way through it. Not sure what triggered me today. But I've had a difficult day coping with my new life. I miss so much. I miss my house, my yard, my pool, my security, my sense of family, my old town..everything! But what I don't miss is my forever a narcissist, now ex-husband. I'm happier, less stressed and have a newfound sense of autonomy and freedom. I'm fortunate to live in a gorgeous apartment with wonderful amenities! There's even a heated pool! So why do I still have these sad, tearful days? I cried while at the pool today, cried in the shower and even on the way back home from babysitting my 2 little grandsons.
I’m in the same situation.. missing everything I contributed to in building and created, our house, boats everything. Even though it has never represented safe place to be its still my home. And when my ex-husband stopped drinking I thought it might be ok to go back. He’s ”fine”, sober, feeling good, feeling as calm as can be… and I’m completely stressed out. More confused than ever. More unsurtain than ever. Right now I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, how to think, how to feel. I’m tored and tired…
I just got out of my two year abusive narcissistic relationship and this video couldn’t come at a more perfect time. You said everything so accurately. As someone with borderline personality disorder, the sense of hope and emptiness I feel that I depended on him to “fix” or distract me from my own pain and I’ll go so far as to say, the abuse didn’t seem like abuse at the time because this hope and distraction he was for me.... I am now learning to re find that peace and happiness on my own....🙏🏻
I am the ame as you. I hope we can vanguish BPD and make healthier choices for the future. It's so easy to depend on others for our emotional regulation but it is not sustainable and only throw us in chaos.
Just today I was doing a home workout and at the end the instructor said something like, "great job I'm really proud of you" and I just started balling, then I found this video and now I have some thinking to do
I am grateful to understand narcissism and be living a healthier life. I am happier and calmer and make better decisions on relationships, but strange as it seems, I still grieve my innocent dreams of how it could have been, how I deceived myself into thinking it was! I grieve the loss of family members I lost because of a narcissist. We share a family history, memories and stories, no one else knows. There are times I'd like to share some little memory or ask a question and I know he's alive, but he's dead to me. It's just the saddest thing ever.
It doesn't have to be triggered my a movie. It is merely having thoughts of the narcissist, and now I innerstand further what it is about. A loss of energy, time, a loss of innocence .... (thank you).
The grief was crushing while I was pregnant, he left me for 3 months knowing my abandonment issues. Then hoovered and repeated the cycle and now I have no more tears to cry over him.
Falling for the hoover in your darkest times then being discarded where you see the "no" empathy and evilness is really sickening. Same thing happened to me when I removed my appendix. Sooo cruel and evil. NO CONTACT for ever. In march I will make 1 year.🎉🎉🎉🎉
I'm sorry you had to go through narc abuse 😔 pregnant. I have plan in place leaving my narcissistic abusive man. He has taken every ounce of love I had and destroyed me. I'm numb towards him. I have nothing else to give. Prayers up..
@@shannonlewis9573 thank you,and I'm sorry you understand the life with a narc. I dont wish it on anyone. You can get out, you can feel again. I am building every day, but I have an apartment for my kids and I now, a job, have minimal contact and am saving to get the divorce. If I can do it, you can too. It isn't easy but it is rewarding and empowering. I believe in you and stay safe.
@@amays7720 Thank you for the empowering words. I'm scared but, I feel if I don't leave now I won't make it out. He has destroyed every fiber of my being. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS 🙏.
It really tears me up when I watch the series ‘This is Us’ The kindness, empathy , and communication are played out beautifully! Watching that series helped me understand how much I was settling for bare minimums and I’m working on keeping my standards high!
Omg this is totally me. I too cry for the silliest things, scenes etc. Even when I see a cute cat/animal video, I cry. I think it's because I was not allowed to cry in my childhood whenever I was (especially) physically abused by (mostly) my mother. And if I'd cry, she'd say "oh, you wanna cry? I'll give you a reason to cry". And beat me up even more 😓. So now, as I am trying to heal myself, I allow myself to cry. Even at the silliest things. And as I am crying, I do realize what's happening and that triggers me to cry more. It's like all the tears I wasn't allowed to shed in my childhood, I am letting out now. And boy, dare I say it's a lot! I too, like Doctor Ramani, cry during comedy shows/ movies. Especially when it's about a (loving) family dynamic. I too cry whenever I see a good parent on screen, a good sibling relationship on screen, a good love story. All the things I've missed out on. And it's shows like "Modern Family" , "Schitt's Creek" that get me so emotional. Thank you for this video Doc. I thought it was only me who cried like a lunatic at these basic scenes. I'm not alone! 😅😭
I get overwhelmed watching shows or movies sometimes and start balling, uncontrollably, it's almost scary. It's almost like a seizure or something, it takes over and is super intense, like about as hard as you can possibly cry, going hysterical.
I just cried this week at a scene out the window. We were appreciating the cute blue birds at our feeder. I said something about how sweet they are coupling up together and my son said something about them mating for life. I lost it.
Synchronicities are amazing...this just happenned to me 30 min ago. A friend gave me a sincere compliment on Messenger, with no interest involved, no manipulation, just bc that's what she thought at that specific second. Without strategizing, with no hidden agenda. I WAS SO SURPRISED. SHOCKED.
Yesss alll the time. I even sometimes tear up in real life when I see the empathy and affection from parents to their children, no matter how old the children are: adults even. Thank you so much for this video and teaching me again, I am not alone and I will be okay. 💕
Just experienced this while watching a fixer upper tv show. How sweet and kind and respectful the couple are to each other. I’ve missed out my whole life😭
Oh yeah thought of another one...many years ago when I was still speaking to my mother and holding out hope that we could have a relationship, I was trying to buy a Mother's Day card. After reading several I began to cry right in the store, because none of the emotional sappy loving ones applied at all, but I worried if I got a funny one she would pick it apart and be mad at me for that. I felt so defeated trying to find her a card that day. They do not make cards for this shit.
Yes, I can so relate to this. I have done the exact same thing down to considering and discarding the idea of a funny card. I certainly wasn’t going to give him a card that sang his praises or said he is an amazing husband and father!
I've been doing that for several years for cards for the spouse. I couldn't even stand looking at the sappy ones anymore. He got funny ones from me for several years for every occasion. This past year I just quit. He doesn't "get the joke" most of the time anyway. Why bother. But he still buys me cards that are sappy and have little meaning to me anymore. My big pet peeve about his mother's day cards to me were literally cards that read like I'm his mother. And it didn't matter how many times I explained I'm not your mother but you can thank me for being the mother to our children it didn't matter.
I forget whether I cried or not from the movie, because I was pretty sick at the time, but a month ago I decided to put on James and the Giant Peach, which was a childhood favorite that I hadn't seen in forever... and after watching months of this channel's content, I had the epiphany that Spiker and Sponge, James' horrible aunts and caretakers, were totally narcicissts! They were nasty to him, made him do all their work and dismissed his hopes and dreams. They fawned over their beauty, saw everyone as beneath them, and both went into violent rages when they didn't get their way. I guess as a kid, that just seemed like regular evil villain behavior, but seeing them as an adult was a revelation for me, and seeing James stand up to them at the very end was, in my opinion, super brave of him. And he could only do that because he knew in his heart that there were kinder and more supportive people in the world, that he could do amazing things and go to fantastical places... I would also argue that it's not just movies and TV that can bring up these feelings of narc-related grief, but books too. I just started rereading Once Upon a Marigold, and the Marigold's mother the queen is a narcissist too. When she and her king father and her triplet princess sisters (who are all grown up, married and rule their own kingdoms, so they've grown and learned how crazy the queen really is by seeing her from the outside, wondering how they ever allowed her to belittle them and push them around) all get together to have an honest conversation about the evil queen and what should be done about her, it reminded me me of the process I'm going through right now with my family as we're trying to cut ties with my narc father... It's very therapeutic to see how these characters find strength within themselves and fight for their happiness, and seeing the villains get their due punishment, even as you know they will learn absolutely nothing from the experience...
It’s so weird to see your comment, because I happened to watch that movie last night and think the same about the aunts, and the next morning I see this video! Serendipity!
@@samanthawinchester2994 Jay definitely, the other two... I don’t quite see it is clearly as you do, could you explain, please? Perhaps I don’t see it because they are caregivers and seem to do a lot for the children. Or am I missing something?
@@breehogg2878 well, first : Claire IS Jay 2.0 Cam is completely clueless in his narcissism but watch how often he bails on Mitchel AND Lily in the most selfish manner throughout the series. It’s like the writers found a way to make you love them anyway, despite all the reading and educating. You just can’t help it 😂
I was at work one day when a woman came in for a meeting. I had seen her a few times before, so we exchanged cheerful greetings. After the usual hellos, she softened her tone, looked into my eyes and said with such sincere empathy, “I don’t know you at all, but I can tell you are going through something really hard right now.” I burst into tears unable to hold them back. I did not even realize how much stress, pain, and sadness I had been enduring and hiding. I could not have told her where those tears came from then-I was still months away from realizing that my dating relationship of 2.5 years was the source of so much of that pain. The term “narcissistic abuse” was not in my vocabulary in those days, but looking back I see that moment as one of the breaking points that turned the tide to my freedom. Celebrating two months of breathing fresh air.
Usually I cry during cheesy Hallmark films because they always have the attentive parents, there is forgiveness, and people learning from their mistakes, and of course love. I didn't grow up in a family where love existed. It was a den of narcissism instead.
Mine is the Joy Luck Club. When the mother says to the daughter Su-yan, " I see you. “Everybody else want best quality. You’re thinking different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart.” 😢 oh how i longed for my parents to see my heart.
On Christmas Day just gone I reached out to a homeless man who was staying in the commercial unit complex where I am renting space by giving him food. He bounded out of the unit he was staying in and pressed the emergency exit button to let me out in a gentlemanly way, very appreciative of my gift to him. His response made me cry when I left him because of his kind act because I wasn't expecting it. I also had no plans for Christmas Day..
I was one to cry at touching commercials or t v shows. I still cry over touching moments in shows, events that I never got to experience, stories of my friends family experiences. I thought I was just a cryer. I now understand. I was in grief over what I didn’t get as a child. Thank you for this video.
Yes, it is a very good and different view on crying at movie scenes etc or being 'sensitive' ... some of the so called sensitive people are survivers of strong abuse and neglect.
I come back from work to my in-laws home and was really tired. My father in law just greet me with a tap on the shoulder and says ‘you really look like someone who need a cold one’. I controlled my tears but just to have that father figure who saw my exhaustion and was empathic toward me was really meaning the world to me.
It was one of the most loving advice given to me by my dad: Don't make your loved one go out to fight the cruel world and come home to fight with you, as well. That was such a tender bit of wisdom. Cherish those who cherish you.❤
Someone recently commented on the fact that I don’t have this long withstanding friend group from my formative years. It stung. Why? I thought about it. My narcissistic mom was extremely jealous of all my relationships, friendships included. I was robbed of so many relationships I craved and desired and needed because of her. I am jealous of people who have close relationships with their sisters or father. I was not allowed to because of my mother’s jealousy and possessiveness. I mourn the loss of relationships and opportunities.
Yes but in reality no one does because women compete with each other and just like there is no platonic relationships there are no competitive friends that won't steal your guy.
As a girl I remember once watching the Westside Story with my narcissistic parents. There was the scene where Maria and her lover were happy together. It was before the bad end, up until then the story had just arrived at them coming together which is a happy moment. I cried and couldn’t stop myself. In that moment I felt like I would never experience that deep love and connection. My mother judged me for crying, said I was being nonsensical. No consolation provided. I felt ashamed for crying and the feeling of hopelessness. At the time I didn’t realize that I was grieving what I never had. And I was still a girl of maybe 14 or 15 years, so this was not crying about a lost love or so. I was just there, grieving for sth I felt I’d never have.
A hope deferred makes the heart sick-Psalms Recognizing that our real belief in the relationship that turns out false really damages the self trust that wants to hope again. It takes a long time to hope in good again.
Oh thank you, that’s such a nice verse. It’s good to know the persistent and powerful negative feelings are expected and ok. Especially in spiritual circles where too often people are in the cult of positivity.
I was once in a Dunkin’ Donuts and saw a man in his 30s happily enjoying the company of his three-year-old and I thought to myself how strange and weird this was. I might have even frowned at it in puzzlement. Then it dawned on me that this was only weird in *my* life because my narcissistic father very often seemed like he wanted to be someplace else as I was growing up. When I realized that what I had seen was normal, that other little boys can expect to be loved by their fathers like that, I cried.
I tear up whenever I hear how people long to visit and see their elderly parents but can't during the Covid pandemic. For me it's a blessed relief not to see them but how I long for a relationship where I felt as these people do!
I never used to be one who cries at movies, but since I left my narcissist I have been so weepy when watching things! I cry at things I know weren't intended to be the emotional moment. Things like people being proud of one another, receiving recognition for accomplishments, people apologizing for doing wrong, etc. This video makes so much sense of my overly emotional responses
Just listening to you recalling the hurt felt by others experiencing narcissistic abuse brings tears to my eyes. The real tear jerker for me is Moulin Rouge.
The movie Juno. Her banter with her parents and her brother left me in awe. I've seen that movie so many times, but it's the scenes in the kitchen that draw me back. And True Grit. I was her as a child. I took the lead young. I was taking on adult responsibilities and caring for my mother at the age of twelve. At the end, she was a hurt and sick little girl and she finally had someone to take care of her. That fact broke my heart. I'm not a gamer, but my son was. He got really caught up in Last of Us and spent hours explaining the script. Yes, it made me tear up. This man gives so much for this girl who wasn't even his.
I cried watching the Friends reunion. The cast members hugged each other, and greeted each other warmly and it reminded me of the early days of my relationship with my narcissistic ex. I used to gush about his hugs to my friends.
I was watching Dave Chappelle's speech when he won the Mark Twain Prize and he said his mother had told him from very young "son, sometimes you have to be a lion so that you can be the lamb you truly are". It brought tears to my eyes because I thought of how my own mother had coddled, over protected, enmeshed herself and disempowered me, and how that has left me at the mercy of so many people in my life. To see a mother teaching her son strength really shook me.
Wow, this hit home. I've been through 15 years of co-parenting with a narcissist. Verbal/emotional harassment, lying, cheating, gaslighting, smear campaigns, parental alienation - textbook abuse. I was just telling my therapist recently that I found that I no longer cried at "normal" times - the scarier and worse the situation, the calmer and more unemotional, detached I become. It's almost like a coping mechanism where, over time, I learned how to turn off my emotions and bury my own fear, pain, and sadness so that I could continue to function and be strong for my family. Yet, I told him that I now found myself crying, sometimes uncontrollably, at the weirdest, most unexpected times (just like you described in the video!) - while listening to songs, watching a show, reading a book - and feeling completely blindsided by the flood of emotion. When I thought back to the instances that had made me cry it was often for other people in those stories who were struggling with an impossible situation, fighting against an injustice or evil, or isolated/alone. He said it was my body's way of finally releasing all of this suppressed grief over everything my family had been through. Since my body would not allow me to grieve for myself and my situation, I was identifying with the characters and grieving through them.
I’m 65. I lost my whole life to my mother and my older brother. I grew up without a father and it’s hard for me to see father/daughter relationships of any kind. I didn’t think of what I’m going through now as grief, but it is. I regret not leaving them. I regret not having the courage to set out on my own. I thought that if my family treated me that way, then so would everyone else.
This exact thing has happened to me numerous times over the years. In fact, there is no way I could remember every scene in a movie or tv show that has brought me to tears of grief. My father is a malignant narcissist, and I was married to a narcissist. So, as you can imagine, there are lots of times the reminders of what I’ve never had are thrown in my face. Thank you for making this post, because it does help to hear you articulate what I go through and to know that I’m not alone.
Mrs. Doubtfire watching it with my husband realizing the truth of our relationship and that I was going to have to end it. I was thinking of the children and the impact on them and I cried throughout the move. Couldn’t watch it again for over 10 years and when I did, it all came back.😔
I haven't been able to get through a single episode of This is us without crying. Same went for Parenthood, but only after I realized my family was abusive towards me. The first time I saw it was totally ok.
Westworld! One of the most poignant scenes was "Maeve's walk" - the first time Maeve learned that she and the other hosts are actually robots. Her expression at seeing the coldness in which the bots are created and treated, the humanity and compassion she herself possessed, made me sob uncontrollably. In an instance I realised it was the story of my own awakening. Being a child of two narcissistic parents, gaslighted for decades, that scene was a major turning point of my life. Thank you for this video and the opportunity for us to share our "scenes", Dr Ramani! Wonderful idea!
Totally agree. I just watch the trailer for season two alone and the whole thing makes me feel gut punched for some reason. There will be a reckoning for the Narcissists. I know it.
I know this is a bit old, but I did have a moment. I had moved out, and was on my own for the first time. I was watching Julia Roberts in Sleeping With the Enemy. There's this scene where she's trying so hard to arrange the cans in the cupboard just right, just the way he likes them, and she's a bit panicked, worrying she isn't going to get it right, worrying about the price she will have to pay in his rage if she doesn't follow his rules perfectly. That's when it hit me. That was me. That was my experience. That's what I was escaping. So yes, I totally broke down and cried. By myself, in my own place.
The scene that gets me every time is the final one in "The Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King" when the King applauds and bows to his 4 Hobbit friends in front of his entire realm for their heroism. My friends are my lifeline.
Thank you, @DoctorRamani. You just described the indescribable. This emotional loss on top of all the current events can be overwhelming. I keep reminding myself about self-care but forget to prioritize it.
Yes. I remember I had that moment when I was still a child in my family home, sitting right next to my real father. It was exactly how you described: about a father having a warm relationship with his daughter. I dont know how old I was, but no more than 11. I remember this father called his daughter 'his little pumpkin', when I heard that I started crying, of course inside of myslef. I was taught at home never to show emotion because it sparked rage with my parents. I couldnt watch the movie to the end. I just left to my room and wrote about that in my diary and yes, I cried. My whole childhood was just grievious and lived in secret.
