The True and the False Self 

What do you think of the relationship between the true and the false self? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: bit.ly/2vsEzRk

These last few videos all had the same message - we don’t act like we want to - it’s because of our childhood - we need to see a therapist

I remember always being on edge at home because whenever I was relaxed, one of my parents would unexpectedly scold me. I would be sitting in my room smiling and enjoying the peace and they would say, "look at you being all lazy and worthless." or launch into a lecture projecting abject failure in my future. The only ways I could avoid confrontation were to be studying, doing chores, or looking visibly upset. Those were the times when I felt safe. Sometimes I would secretly enjoy being depressed because they spoke kinder to me and I didn't have to be as on guard all the time. I even looked forward to being sick and catching heavy fevers because my parents were really nice to me when I was sick. After moving away from home and working, I've slowly started enjoying life without pressure. I read for hours on weekends and just enjoy being in a cozy room, because I can :) Sometimes I sit there and just soak in the environment. These moments always bring me peace, and make me very grateful for being alone, because it means I can finally enjoy living in the moment. The downside of this is that I have a nearly psychotic aversion to being around other people. I have learned that being around others = being on edge, and that I can only be happy if I am completely alone.

Yup. I was never allowed to express myself growing up. I just had to listen, be quiet, and not bother anyone. I suffered through many years of neglect and I rebelled in some ways once I got into my teenage years. Now I have a certain contempt toward authority figures, although I still tolerate them if I have to, but I’m also more vocal about my feelings and opinions. In the end, I’m still learning about my “true self” since the person I was most of my life was shaped by trauma (I’m still fairly young though. I’m in my early 20s). It takes time and a lot of self-reflection to heal but it will happen.

This is soo relatable. I have never felt my true self and always felt like a slave to other people's demands and agendas.

This resonates with me so much. Sometimes I feel like the things I do aren’t run by my own wants and needs but just because of what those around me want me to act in a certain way like my parents. I feel like a different person around different people. I feel like I’m my true self when I’m with my friends because they like me for me but my parents told me that they care about me too little to criticize me. I feel like I need to find the balance in order to actually feel like I’m truly me.

In my opinion, it often takes a lifetime to become our True Self. Unless one had wonderful loving, communicative parenting, full of tenderness and empathy, most of us must first unwind the damage before we can begin to discover our True selves. Life is too short...let's face it!

Personally, I act my true self when I'm alone. I ignore all rules and taboos. I call into question the say and act of every person in my life, myself included. No one is off board. Then I go over my thoughts one by one with a magnifying glass.

I didn't know this concept existed. I thought I was the only one thinking this way. I was suffering from anxiety and depression for years but of course I didn't know about it. I sought the help of a therapist, but it didn't help me completely. I ended up doing a lot of journaling and thinking until one day an epiphany came to me. I was too pre-occupied with being the person people expected me to be. I would constantly sacrifice things I wanted to make others happy even though no sacrifice was expected of me. I told myself I need to be more self-ish in the truest sense. Do things I want to do regardless of what others perception/disapproval/comments would be. And you know what? It did help me. The more I did for myself the happier I became and led me to be more social and loving towards others. After watching this video, I see why that concept worked. And now I'm going to be more conscientious around my nieces and nephews. I'll give them the space to be themselves and lower my expectations to be completely civilized. Thanks!

Becoming your true self starts with putting yourself first, in whatever way that may be.

You need to know the darkness in order to appreciate light.

My childhood- learning to walk on eggshells when I should be learning how to walk

It was when my depression was at its worst that I've realized that the root of the problem was I was operating as my "fake self" and became a people pleaser. I'm an achiever in school till I graduated university, a student leader, had an active social life, and was always trying to be a good person. But I was also unhappy, depressed, and anxious of other people's expectations of me. The lies and the pressure was killing me. I wanted to give up a lot of times. That's why I completely agree with this video. It's now my mission to find my true self and to love myself unapologetically because I want to keep on living.

*Discovering your true self is really a matter of exploration. Nothing achieves this more than educating (not schooling) oneself.*

As a student and practitioner of Existentialism and Buddhism (which are sometimes at odds with each other and sometimes not) I will put forth two different responses to this idea of the True and the False Self from these perspectives: 1. From the perspective of the various Existentialist philosophers, all of whom agreed that the individual was responsible for their own life and had to accept and embrace this responsibility, the False Self is the inauthentic individual who follows the "herd" or mass society, rejecting or repressing their "passions" (what they love to do or being who they want to be) due to social pressure and conformity. This is what Jean-Paul Sartre would have called living in "Bad Faith" or a kind of willful self-deception as you would rather be doing and being something else. A famous (and often misunderstood) example of Sartre's was the Waiter who completely assumed the role of a waiter, which consequently subsumed his personal identity into the identity of the waiter, acting and doing whatever a waiter does, and more importantly, fulfilling society's expectations of what a waiter is supposed to do and be. In turn, the Waiter becomes more of a machine than a man, mechanically fulfilling the role of what a waiter is and relinquishing his freedom as an authentic individual. Tying in Winnicott's dichotomy of Self, the False Self would be the mask you wear while when interacting with others, while you only presented your genuine True Self when you were alone or among friends and family members that you trusted, which you learned the hard way to do as a child. The role the False Self plays in our daily lives as adults is that we fear our True Self will not be accepted by others and so we hide behind our inauthentic, socially-acceptable False Self. 2. In all Buddhist schools and traditions, the Self (or soul) is an illusion, an artificial image we create for ourselves of who we supposedly are. We falsely believe this Self (Winnicott's False Self) protects and comforts us but actually does us more harm than good, further separating us from reality, and more importantly, from others. Anatta, or No-Self, is the idea that by seeing through our creation of our Selves and realizing our impermanence, or more bluntly our mortality, and interdependence with others and the world around us, we will be closer to Nibbana (Nirvana) or liberation from dukkha (usually translated as suffering), allowing us to live a fuller, more satisfying life, strikingly similar to Winnicott's True Self and the authentic individual of Existentialism. While these two perspectives of the Self in Buddhism and Existentialism are extremely condensed and simplified, I hope they get the point across and that people realize the similarities, and not just the differences, of Eastern and Western thought. :)

I respond deeply to this. Many times during a day, I question if I have ever just been myself. I've become so good at playing a False Self, because I've always had to adjust myself to the socio-political situation I'm in, since I was a child. I've often prided myself on being able to adapt to anyone and in so doing, manipulate any situation. Whenever I've made strides to become a more authentic version of myself, I've always felt guilty for it, and have found that my authenticity rarely gets me the attention and intimacy I crave. But the True Self is one who doesn't need the attention and intimacy from others in such a way that not having it will feel painful. The True Self is strong in its ability to care for itself, and that self-love is enough to weather the lonely periods of life, and attract to one the right attention and intimacy.

Actually I think there is no a true self at all.We are all a flux of constantly changing ideas,memories,opinions,and prejudices.Like everything else,we are in constant process of construction and destruction within ourselves.I think it's comforting to know this fact.

I was raised not allowed to show personal emotions and I still haven't learn to be able to be angry to others because I was educated both in my family and at school that parents and school can never be incorrect or wrong, so being angry is unnecessary.

You have just helped me understand narcissism - the toddler that never grew up and is emotionally stunted around the age of 2. My dad used to go into rages, smash and throw objects around the room, be physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative etc. With the aim to destroy 'mummy' and to test if she would still love him unconditionally. As a child I attuned to his emotions for safety and survival and comforted him when he came home late drunk late at night. I have a memory of him getting into a fight and he got hit with a knuckle duster - it was me that got a flannel and was helping him mop the blood from his face (my mum use to 'ignore' him and stay in her room. I was only a teenager at the time! As a result, I had codependent/people pleaser patterns, and my trauma response was 'freeze' and 'fawn'. Thankfully I've had a couple of therapists to help me through the processs.

This is one thing that I can praise my mother for, she always let me be who I wanted to be. She let me explore activities like karate football track weightlifting etc but was also so happy when I found my love for videogames. I was always a pretty good kid but I think its because she would tell me everyday that she loved me and heavens missing an angel and i was it. We had our problems but I was always loved to a galactic degree and because of that I can be myself and actually be content with who I am. School of Life is Legendary 😎.

As a kid, my parents taught me to never hurt anyone and forgive no matter how huge the pain others would inflict on me. I took this literally and as a result I got constantly bullied at school. soon my grades began to drop because of them. I've changed schools 3 times and still I made bullies because forgiveness was a sign of weakness and a opportunity to get away with hurting me. now im 21 and I have an urge to hurt someone because I want the feeling that I can protect myself. I want to be capable of hurting someone so that I can know that I can protect myself from sadistic people.

The girl's voice at the end always sounds like she's about to cry.

The true self is scared to be, the false self protects it. It is only when the true self understands that it is ok, that it becomes what it is intended to be, what it always has been, and now free.

This makes perfect sense. I've never really been my true self and i merely adjusted to others, which of course made me anxious and depressed. Now thanks to therapy i'm trying to change it...

I'm 48 years old and still struggling because of the bad childhood. It also affects my relationships with the authority. And was other random people, as well as friends. I've tried meditation, journaling, reading.I've also tried to see a therapist but I got turned down by three of them because they were booked. I feel like School of Life can only help me.and at this time I still feel like I'm doing this on a wing on a prayer.it's nice to know that there are other people on these comment boards that have gone through the same thing.

This is the perfect explanation of what’s wrong with me. I’ve suffered depression for 8, suicidal thoughts for almost 5 years. And I just turned 20... Growing up I learned that I need to adapt to whatever the needs and feelings of people around me are. That showing extreme emotional behavior was rude and would be punished by emotional torment. My mother always compared to other kids, told me in which ways I’m worse than them and that she wished me to be more like them. And that I was a disappointment. Love was only shown when I was being a good boy, complying and nice to everyone. Expressing my true thoughts and feelings would often result in shock and rejection. Making me promise stuff and punishing for not meeting the expectations. Whatever my mother liked, was good for me. Whatever she disliked, was bad. Kinda fucked me up and killed my soul

My true -self has many great things to say, however my false-self has restricted my comment, because in the back of my mind, getting no likes on this comment will damage my ego 🤔

There is a Chinese saying about the image of self: There are three mirrors that form a person's reflection; the first is how you see yourself, the second is how others see you and the third reflects the truth. What do you think about that?

I must be boiled down to how I was raised, a loving Mother and Father who sacrificed much to feed, shelter and clothe me. I felt loved and unafraid to approach them, they would listen and support and I knew they loved me unconditionally .Most my memories are fond. I've never felt as I haven't been my true self

I think childhood plays a HUGE roll in building personality of an adult there by affecting an entire person .

This is pure gold, I believe that the dark night of the soul that proceeds the spiritual awakening into the true self, the shattering of the illusion of the false self into an integrated authentic self IS the salvation experience, the regeneration of the soul in the recognition of the Word as the truth, the way, and the life.

This was the most relevant thing I've ever watched at exactly the most relevant moment.

That’s not your true self. That’s your mind and personality. Your true self is pure consciousness, it’s always been and will continue continue to exist.

I feel so sad rn because I'm slowly finding out that in my childhood i was neglected and told who I am and who I should be so often that now I can't recognize who I truly am. It's shocking for me to recognize that my parents weren't good to me and that our family is dysfunctional. I am still in my teen years and it hurts me to know that i may not free myself from my FALSE ME until I will be an andult. I found out that when I'm completely alone or when I'm drunk I feel sorta happy and satisfied. I don't overthink what I do and it's just so easier to do things I want to do when I'm not being judged by me or others. Yes this is kind of a self pity comment, but please don't judge me. I will be grateful to whoever was willing to read this. It means much to me that you were willing to listen to me, thank you. :)

It's so true. Our life back then, really determine our future. Darkness and unwanted experiences need to be solve to unlock someone's soul to his/her nature. Thanks for making this video, makes me heal myself and if I can, I will heal another who feel the same

Wow.... so incisive.... & penetrating. For our growth & healing.... we really need to give ourselves... & others... the LOVING space to be unpleasant, broken & difficult. So we can process & purge it out of our system... & move on happier, calmer & lighter... .... baggage free. Thank you... heartily! Much Love, 🙏❤🙏❤🙏

Amazed at how this channel seems to pull pages from my very own life's experiences.

a false self is what you're left with after growing up with an emotionally self-absorbed narcissistic mother

I think all of this boils down to letting out your true emotions from time to time.

This explains so much. I’m 30 and about to start therapy for the first time in my life. I can’t wait to get started on finding my true self.

The best thing about this channel is that it gives quite an unorthodox way of viewing concepts we or as humans generally think we know. The true self and expressing him/her vs the false conformist self is something I hadn't quite thought of along those lines. Thank you for yet another eye-opening video and something else to contemplate

I had a parent with severe depression when I was a young child. I walked on egg shells to make them happy or comfort them, so I learned to put on a good face and not complain. Even when I saw a therapist I struggled to actually say how I felt.

This was a beautiful and clear explanation of an important concept. ❤

This video really does speak to me, i am having therapy once a week and i struggle with who i really am and talking about what has hurt me growing up. Thankyou so much for sharing

As a clinical psychologist, i keep learning and remembering thanks to you guys. You are awesome.

The thing is people and those around don't accept me and who I am. I know the opinion of others don't matter that much but where ever I am my true self the only one that likes me is myself. 😌

I don’t fully agree with this theory. When we were young, we express our emotions so we can ask our parents to fulfils our needs. But as we slowly grow up we need to learn how to properly interpret our emotions and express our need. The parents need to discipline us exactly that. If they are extremely tolerant, like the ideal parents this video mentioned, then we will think expressing all of our feelings, even sometimes it’s hurtful to others, is okay. Then we either encounter socially rejecting situation because our behaviours so we learn to communicate from that, or we become psychopaths- to do extreme behaviours to get what we need. The alternative I think is this- let the kid know that all his feelings are justified, but teach him the right way to think about his feelings(why he feels this way, what he needs), and the right way to communicate to his surroundings(first parents then society). So the kid will live knowing all his feelings are justified, but not forcing other people to tolerate everything he does, and still successfully communicating what he needs from others. Adults often feel depressed or stuck because they can’t accept how they feel especially if it’s socially unacceptable, so they need someone to accept first(therapist) so they can accept themselves. So I agree the inexpressive adults need therapist. But the parenting part, no no no, please don’t be overly permissive of your child.

Blew my mind. I found this channel today and I'm thankful. U just clarified something I Instinctively knew was going on inside me but I couldn't work it out. Perfect.

this resonate with me this is how feel, when i was growing up i wasn't alow to be my true myself and now im go to therapy to find myself. Now im a rebel but im learning how to be my true self instead of being what mother wanted me to be. Thank for making this video it helps alot to derstand what im going through and how i felt all those years and how i feel now.

If anything this scares me. My mum was depressed when I was young, she had four children under 5 and I was the youngest. My dad would get angry at little things. He would grit his teeth, raise his voice and his movements became wild. I feel uneasy even remembering it now

Feeling a bit shook cause this describes exactly where I’m at in my life rn. The therapy has been hard but this is very validating that I need to keep on this path.

There are so much researches out there. Winnicot was an amazing doctor. Thank you school of life for making this video and enlightening me. I am a doctor. I was suffering from depression and anxiety in my life. Your videos has always helped me in analysing, accepting and correcting myself. Thank you. Keep up the good work. 😊

At some point...we have to stop blaming our childhood, past, caregivers and others for our wrongs... I'm glad psychotherapy allows and helps people to move forward from the blame and onward with their life.

Looking back at my Childhood and reflection on Adults years, I've always wondered why I always felt I needed to please others first before actually just being myself and doing whatever came natural to me. My mother was very strict and all of us, Siblings, felt quite scared of our mother. She ultimately drilled into us that our welfare came second to our neighbours for example, because somehow it Brough shame on us if we stuck up for ourselfs. If say we were being bullied. I can remember clearly a day when me and my friend were fishing. Some older lads were throwing stones at us. My friend, got up, challenged them and actually ran them off! I sat there at took the bullying. He was amazed at my non action, but I was more afraid of bringing a negative situation back home, so at the time, I was actually more fearful of my mum not the bullies. I was very impressed and quite Jealous of his bravery. Fast forwarding into Emotional relationships with the opposite sex, Some, not all, but most, have being built on pity, and feeling sorry for the other. Or taking on the role to fix them while giving them everything and then regretting it which fuels bitterness ??

I was thinking about this earlier today. It's like you guys read my mind.

these videos make me cry while simultaneously feeling hopeful. ty

This video helps me a lot. It explains why I have been difficult with any social relations, and how I should do with my 5 years old child. It gives me the courage to go on my everyday life. Thank you very much.

I really needed to hear this today. My intake appointment for therapy is in a few weeks. This makes me feel a lot better about it

I wish I could be my true self but even I don’t know what it is anymore. 😢

I think people seem to be making a wrong assumption. As I understand it, it's not about raising a spoilt brat and letting them do whatever they want. It's about not putting adult pressure on a child so that the child isn't afraid of themselves and their emotions. I think. I think I've been through what the video talks about. I relate so much to it!! (Sorry for the length) When I was 6 my dad lost his job, and when I had just turned 13 he died. My mom had so much pressure on her that I knew I couldn't rebel. I had to be perfect - great grades, good manners, dress discreetly, no dating, Do nothing even slightly risky. Even when I got flu I felt guilty because I knew I was giving her more to worry about. I wanted to save my mom from any more stress. I grew up to be very obedient, quiet and anxious adult. When my mom passed away it devastated me. But now that it's a year and a half later, I'm slowly finding who I actually am as an adult. Could say I'm rebelling. . . Sort of. I'm a 25 year old woman who drank and played pool with a friend for the first time a month ago. I have a friend who's like an awesome therapist. She lets me go wild, but still protects me enough. My personality hasn't truly changed I just feel free to be myself a lot more, even if myself is kind of an idiot who screws up a lot and gets angry at my loved ones sometimes. Someone who loves drinking with friends and swears and puts fun colours on the ends of my hair just cos I can. I love singing even though I'm so so very bad at it and I'm studying Visual Arts at University. TL:DR: mom was stressed when I was growing up. I had to be near perfect. Now at 25 I'm finding my true self, which involves purple hair and playing pool.

God, every time I watch any of your videos, I feel so understood I'm always moved to tears.

I think there is a difference between helping your child manage their emotions (after all, screaming and shouting and throwing things all over the place because you are in a rage is not what I would call a positive way of expressing your true self) and denying your child the opportunity to explore different activities. The latter is what often leads people to develop a different persona. Over the last few years I reduced my consumption of media that keeps reminding me of my less than ideal childhood and that I need a therapist and focused more on information about how I can improve my relationship with my parents. I have learned so much more from that than watching self-pity inducing videos which turn our to be a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. There is, of course, a balance to be had but I think being told over and over again that your childhood sucked and you are not responsible for your maladaptive behaviour isn't really conducive to improving your situation.

Very well done and as interesting as always. 💛

This video completely emphasizes what regularly goes through my mind. Before watching it,I would never have thought that this phenomenon of faking the self identity while near my caregivers does really exist somewhere else.

it is like you just went into my brain and understood the root of all my psychological problems and explained it to me and now im crying

Another helpful and eye-opening video. Thank you for uploading such good content!

Both selves described here are false. The real true self is not agressive, inconsiderate, asocial or insensitive. It is curious, outlooking, loving and accepting. Yes, a wrong upbringing can spoil a lot. But a right upbringing is not that which tolerates everything passively, but guides with strong love. Other than this video suggests, Winnicott did not have a negative image of the child's true self at all. I quote : "a well cared-for baby usually feel(s) confident, calm and curious and (is) able to learn without having to invest a lot of energy into defences". Please, School of Life, be accurate in the use of the ideas of others.

Your videos are Therapy of their very own. This channel & my recent introduction to Alan Watts is all I need through this “Bad Way” that I’m currently going through.

I need to be true about my personality... About myself... I do love myself... But making other people avoiding me just because of my REAL self... Making me to hate myself... But no more! I want to be healthy! Physically and MENTALLY! Me avoiding those fake feelings is better than me being insecure forever... LOVE MYSELF💜

Wonderful video , there is only one big issue, not all therapists are skillful and great at what they do. I do absolutely agree with the contents of this video, but finding a good therapist almost requires a good luck otherwise you end up spending 1000s of bucks for no reason. That's according to my previous experiences with therapists. And it almost makes you think there is no way out of this

I fake my personality in everything religon, love,smile, friendship, my dreams and ect................... I don't know what too do. I feel hurt. I want to know who I am I hope I can be myself In the future.

Growing up, my father was a good, hard working man, and he tried mightily to be "there" for my siblings and I, but he had a neurotic, emotionally reactive side to him, and he would blow up and yell at me if I did something he disapproved of. Since this felt like certain death coming over me, I of course learned very early on, and very quickly, that I had better STOP BEING ME and figure out (fast!) how to be a good little boy that father would approve of. So, yeah, I'm 49, and I've still got the fake thing down. Watching this video, I totally relate and agree with its message, and it emphasizes, in my mind, just how arduous it is to responsibly and effectively parent a child. What a huge, immensely important proposition! I am entirely convinced our modern world would be orders of magnitude better / more positive / more harmonious if children were allowed to fully develop their proper sense of self. Think of the adults they'd grow into, and the families they'd create. If enacted on a worldwide scale, we'd see massive improvements, on a humanitarian level, within a generation. That's the blink of an eye!

These are some of the healthiest, most constructive videos of all time. Bless you for sharing them!!!

How free is healthy? What if a child is allowed to live more instinctually, but is secretly murderous, violent, and not just amoral, but immoral? It seems to me that some social constraints and norms have to be imposed on the young individual no matter what. Such impositions might cost the young individual some freedom to find true self, but for the sake of the group such constraints have to be taught and imposed from birth. I don't think as long as there is another person who may suffer from the actions of the individual can we truly be free in self and call ourselves functioning. We have to always have some minimum of empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

Interesting. I feel like I've put myself through one such process where i become quite an unbearable ass to my family. I feel better now and more willing to give and take, but also more assertive of things I truly want.

This video is not immediately relevant to me right now, but when I decide to have children, I'll definitely come back to this again. Once again, well done.

Watching videos like these make me really happy. I am healed through this video. Thank you for this video.

I wish I knew who my true self is, I'm dying slowly feeling fake and unhappy. I'm so scared to let my guard down.

Best channel on youtube.. Hands down..

Another beautiful video by School of LIfe. I think these videos should be broadcast as public service announcements--I'm almost serious. As a practicing psychotherapist I see these as messages we need. Thank you!

I never had people to interact with. My mother was on drugs and my father was distant, angry, uninvolved. Recently I started AA and moved into a sober house. While I don't have a therapist, the work is extremely therapeutic. I believe I over-promise myself emotionally in some situations. While I can be very kind, and give people who need it really intense and intimate attention, I naturally find that I have my limits, and because I am unacustomed to taking my own space I find that when I need to close down I can snap shut and become mean or socially disoriented in other ways. I need to step back and really assess how much I can give, and also how I truly feel about how I'm being treated in the moment because I find that sometimes I actually feel disrespected, even if slightly, but respond by laughing or some form of approval. In trying to assess how I "truly" feel so that I can bring that to every conversation, I'm allowing myself to sulk, overreact, not care and just feel whatever those feelings are. This however does make me think of my deeper moments of meditation where I felt like I wanted to cocoon, to hold myself after sitting in the awareness of my fears. I might really allow myself to do that next time.

School of life is very insightful indeed.

While there are many good points here, boundaries must be put in place, lovingly but firmly. Allowing all these 'true self' actions many times violates others, for instance, screaming, biting, etc to another little one is not healthy for either. We live in a world with many other species and must be taught how to get along and not run roughshod over others. We see many children today brought up with this mentality of letting them do anything and they are beasts, pardon me, but we all have to learn that the world does not revolve around us and can be done so lovingly and before it finally dawns on us eventually.

Beautiful! I immediately reverted back to my true self. Thank you, SOL.

Best channel on youtube, hands down. Bless you all.

How do we raise children with freedom to be and emote, but also teach them manners and boundaries? As in, you cannot hit others when you feel angry...

"inwardly dead" nice. I just subscribed

Society doesn't allow us to be ourselves. Mostly at work I feel the most suppressed. They try to take advantage of that, then I have to do something without losing my temper. What ever I say I'm always the bad guy, even when they are doing something against the law.

I love this channel it's so spot on and has helped me and my friends to understand and seek a better life for ourselves...

I just want to be feel loved and belonged I always get bullied for having a poor family:(

I literally started crying while watching this because I relate to it so much. I feel like I have to be perfect and it's destroying me. And it really doesn't help when my mom praises me for being such a great child because that puts more pressure on me. So then when I do slip she thinks I've become a different person and gets way more upset at me than say my brother who has always been more of a trouble maker. I'm still a teenager, Can I turn this around?

My moms been terminally ill my whole life. She blames me because she got worse from birthing me. When i would be unpleasant in any way as a kid, abuse would always follow. Not i have extreme trust issues. I feel like if i dont act how everyone else does ill litterally never be loved. Its lead me to be very erratic and wild with a bad crowd, and then minutes later quietly reading in a library.When im alone i find myself lull or as it put it "ineardly dead". I dont even trust my therapist. Ive been without emotional care for my whole life....I hope i can get better one day.

Only mom was allowed to be the monster a child is supposed to be. She was a monster. It sucked the life out of me. This video makes so much sense. Thank you.

I don’t think anyone had the perfect childhood

So many of your videos end with therapy as the recommended course of action - but what about those of us who can't afford therapy, who don't have insurance and don't live in countries which support our mental health? what are we supposed to do? it was a good video but it makes me feel hopeless when the solutions presented to these problems I identify with are beyond my reach.

Thank you School of Life for making easy for people to understand these concepts!

I go to therapy every week and get everything off my chest. It has helped a lot. Before therapy I would keep everything bottled in and refuse to cry and remain stoic. Now I see that my emotions are trying to tell me something and that I should "feel" me emotions which allows me to then analyse them with clarity and rational. It's hard being your true self as an adult so the therapists office helps alot

So 'Hell is other people', essentially?

I don't believe this video suggests that children should be pampered and run wild, and should be taught and learn self-discipline. However, I do believe this deals with "parentification" where the children learn to suppress their valid needs in order to help manage the stress and anxiety of their caregivers. They become people-pleasers or covert or overt narcissists.

Therapy would ideally be like that but the mental health system we live in trains therapists to diagnose every patient they have, and prescribe them medicine or send them to a psychiatrist to get medicine when they no longer feel they are able to handle their patient. Very few therapists are actually willingly to allow the patient be their true self.