What's even more defeating is when people tell you to "stop blaming everyone else for your problems". I definitely understand the sentiment behind taking control, and this is where the narrative around taking responsibility even when it isn't your fault steps in. There's a persistent narrative around taking control, not expecting others to save you and doing it all alone. BUT, there's also value in acknowleding that your environment and the people surrounding you can be at least partially responsible for your situation, good or bad. Hell, it might even help to stop blaming and beating yourself up, even though "society" tries to condition you with individualism and blaming yourself for everything.
are you able to micro manage everyone else that´s causing you problems not to do that or lower the margins of threshhold percentage? if not then best bet to sorta find a way to push yourself in order to overcome those obsticles and be the carry, no?
society does not condition you to blame yourself at all. i would argue that the entire disease of individualism is predicated on the fact that it wants you externalize as much as possible. we live in a self-obsessed culture that does not tolerate incursions or perceived slights to the self. people don’t care about introspection anymore, yet society is paradoxically self-absorbed.
@@skymeows1286 I can't do that, but if I can't make them not be the problem, then I shouldn't accept responsibility for their actions. Sometimes you just have to accept other people won't change, and even if they aren't inherently bad, you should stay away from them. As Dr. k points out though, sometimes people will try to condition you into believing your own behavior affects them in a way that causes adverse consequences for you. It's especially dicey when it's someone who holds some level of power and authority over you, like a parent, teacher or boss. There are way too many stories of bad parents or bosses who can essentially get away with mistreating the people they're in control of, and those people have to accept it and find coping strategies to manage the power imbalance.
@@eebbaa5560 I'm not sure about that. Maybe we have had different experiences, but there's definitely a lot of self help types telling people to take responsibility and stop blaming others, just like there's untold break room walls with posters telling you it's all on you to have the right attitude, which conveniently absolves them of any responsibility to create an environment and culture that assists the workers in having said attitude.
This just drives home, even further, how toxic and unsupportive my family was. I never felt supported, Never felt loved. Barely felt cared for. When I did have friends I was told that they were bad/wrong, and never tried to see it from my angle, or what worked for me. Always made me feel as though my choices were bad/wrong/incorrect. Never really had any freedoms. Never had any backup. I was always the problem. Never good enough. This is why it's an uphill battle to believe in or support myself in any meaningful way, even at 41. It's hard to believe anybody else would take any sort of positive view toward me either. I constantly question it.
Summary: - Therapy is often misunderstood as gaslighting oneself into feeling better, but in reality, it undoes the negative self-beliefs instilled by others (e.g., parents). - Many people's negative self-perception, such as feeling like a failure, is rooted in early life experiences where they were taught they could never be good enough, rather than based on their actual abilities. - Confidence and self-esteem are not innate but are shaped by external influences, such as supportive parents or environments, rather than personal discovery alone. - Therapy helps uncover the distortions in one's thinking and emotions, allowing for clearer, more objective self-understanding, rather than blind positivity. - Emotional awareness is crucial for clear thinking, and therapy helps individuals recognize how emotions like anger, sadness, or jealousy distort their thought processes.
Well said, Dr. K! I am often making efforts to demonstrate these ideas to clients, that something such as shame is mostly taught and is in fact not the baseline "normal human state." Signed, A colleague in mental healthcare (Marriage & Family Therapist here)
Some children, babies are born anxious because of living in a traumatic environment therefore their nervous systems are affected. Confidence is taught but this stress from birth and their environment needs to be addressed, recognized and helped. Example Gabor Mate talks about himself as a baby. I believe this can be an unknown aspect of depression OCD ADHD however it manifests. Fantastic Work @ Dr K .
Okay I will say most of it is the perception of being happy so being “gaslit” into believing your happy isn’t bad. On the other hand believing your mistakes aren’t mistakes, not learning from them is the side we see a lot that’s bad for them and the rest of the world
this is pretty much the entire essence of what modern-day therapy is predicated on. all therapists are gaslighters who must gaslight their patients in order to maintain their own delusions. in today’s individualistic therapy culture, everyone is encouraged to believe themselves to be the single most important person on earth for one session a week, and then to carry that mentality with them throughout the rest of their lives.
@@eebbaa5560ok that isn’t what therapy does and if that is your experience you’ve had one hell of a shitty therapist. It happens. There are a lot of crappy ones out there. Unfortunately the whole mental healthcare system in the US (which I’m assuming you are in) is absolute shit so I understand if “just fire your therapist and get a new one” doesn’t work for many people whether due to lack of or crappy insurance which limits your choices of quality providers.
Totally agree. Therapy for just feeling better does not make sense. It is good to have support. But people need to know how to overcome their vices, develop good habits, and have healthy mindsets and values that could lead them to a healthier and happier life. A professor specialized in happiness mentioned once that happiness is based on genes, environment, and habits. But I would say also values. Having bad attachments does not help. I don't know anybody whose vices make them happy. It is good to have hobbies, but in a balanced way. Changing environments sometimes could work wonders, as the professor mentioned.
I literally was talking with this with my girlfriend earlier this day. am unlearning all the gaslight of what my limits are, disconnecting what people perception and start connecting what i really am.
How do you disconnect from other people? People cut straight through me like a hot knife to butter. This is a puzzle I have made little to no progress on my whole knife
So a big problem for me in therapy is I'll go into describing myself, my childhood, my past and current issues and than get asked the question of why I think this is the case or why this happened. And I don't have a good answer. I wasn't abused, neglected, living in poverty, severely bullied, etc, etc., and yet I still have so many issues. That's the thing that gets me the most because atleast if I were abused or neglected I'd have a clear reason why I am how I am. It feels more like I'm an absolute failure when for all intents and purposes my childhood was as stable as anyone could ask for.
I have some similar thoughts- there's a an ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score which covers the big common childhood traumas, but then I found out that there's a PCE (positive childhood experiences) equivalent and I found I had a very low score in this. I realized while I had a really stable and "good" childhood, I was actually missing a lot of positive supports/had a lot of long term unmet needs. Everyone is different and that unmet stuff might be something someone else wouldn't miss, but it's important to you.
Thanks Dr K, this is is exactly the video i needed tonight. I've been gaslighting myself all day saying I'm not worth it and this video really helped me work through those thoughts.
Therapist gaslight patient to. They will try to convince and become insistent towards patient. Therapist have pattern that they all follow. You have to be aware of these little signs
My anti therapy family members often accuse the opposite, that therapist will instead make a problem out of nothing and make you believe there is something wrong with you
Cause like when I moved to university on a new city I had a hard time making friends since I'm shy and anxious. So went to a therapist who told me I just needed to go to college party's and I'll eventually make friends there. This made everything this worse, since I don't drink and don't like loud people, then I feel like a failure, since all she keep telling me was to try harder next time. Only when I quit that therapist, and start trying on my own to deep my connection with my classmates I start making friends and eventually a boyfriend (We're together for 6 years). So yeah bad therapy can be gaslighting, no shame on quiting or changing therapists. When I went back to therapy a few years later, I find someone that better suit for me.
I'm 43 and partially disabled, have been my whole life. Never been in a relationship. Women want nothing to do with me because of said disability. How have I gas-lit myself into believing women want nothing to do with me when it's unfortunately true based on my experiences in life? How would a therapist fix that? Women never see me, only my disability. How do you fix that?
Really sorry about your situation. My guess is that gaslighting is already in your comment - the statement that women only see the disability doesn't really look like an objective reality. If there is at least one person in this world who values your personality, there is a chance that there can be more people that like you the way you are
It might be worth joining chat groups for those living with a disability, if not your specific one. It makes you feel less alone, lets you read about other people’s experience & the way some found happiness (or things to beware, like lazy people living with you because you are vulnerable and possibly want your stipend), and the women there would def be able to understand your day to day life on a deeper level. Just gotta be careful… some corners of the internet are just meeting places for depressed people to complain and knock happy people down. It takes some looking, but it’s worth it to find your people. And disabled people tend to be on the internet more often anyway :) Whatever you do, however, I wish you the best. You started playing life on Hard Mode.
You did gaslit yourself into thinking women only see your disability. I don't know how much it impacts your looks but I've seen many successful relationships with one of the partners disabled. If anything they are really compatible since one side doesn't care for the looks, only what's on the inside and I can't give you a solution but I'm gonna tell you this: never lose hope, stop blaming your disability since you can't do anything about it, stop blaming yourself, try to improve things you can change and I don't necessarily mean your body. The things you're good at and most importantly, your mindset. I know it sounds like such generic advice but you can never lose hope and you didn't because you posted a comment here. That means you have hope, you want to get better, be happy and that comes from you deep within, the you that loves himself. I strongly believe no matter how bad it is, we can always improve SOMETHING. Even little things, but eventually it all adds up. Hope you find someone that appreciates you for who you are and sees all the good stuff that's in there.
Great vid! Do you think you could talk about the fears and pressures of becoming a parent for the first time in today’s already demanding settings? Appreciate you all!
