Therapist Rates Relationship Advice from Reddit! 

"If you just want a hype man, get a dog". Yes.

“I got 2 months of therapy and completely changed” *me having completed my 7th year of weekly therapy*: 👁👄👁

The guy that insisted to stop smoking weed at the start of a relationship without being asked is such a red flag for me. It turns your partner into the one who "made" you stop smoking despite them not saying anything

Something to note is the age gap of the first couple. I'm not saying age gaps can't work or anything but the fact that he's dating someone 10 years younger and wants her to have the experience level of someone his age for a lot of stuff that is not easy to get into in the first place is giving a red flag for me.

Ohh that realisation that we need to honour our partner's autonomy and individuality was such a gamechanger in my relationship!! It can be tricky sometimes when you catch yourself trying to push your choices on your significant other and make them "just like me"... 🙃

As someone who loves climbing, skiing etc, I’d NEVER go into the backcountry with someone who doesn’t respect my limitations. That’s when injuries and worse happen. Safety is about feeling your limits and pushing into them when you feel ready to. That BF’s behavior is toxic for a romantic relationship and for the outdoors in general.

I also have ADHD and after my husband being frustrated by my forgetfulness for the first few years of our marriage, I had to tell him that if it's not in writing, I won't remember to do it. To his credit he's been very good about remembering to put things on the calendar or leave me a post it note somewhere I'm going to see it.

Well the 'men expecting women to fit into their lives without putting in any work' just hit me like a tonne of bricks, yet another insight of why I felt like a complete disappointment to my last partner. Thanks!

Jeez that first one sounds a lot like a rock-climbing ex that I had - he basically just wanted a climbing partner as a girlfriend and would get so frustrated that I was still new to the sport and making mistakes. It made me feel like I was always disappointing him and not trying hard enough - and that I would be a better girlfriend if I was just a better climber. Mickey's point about men expecting their female partners to slot right into their lives is so real - my ex wanted me to participate in all his hobbies and sports, but would act all inconvenienced if I had the audacity to suggest any of my hobbies.

The ADHD boyfriend one is very similar to my situation! My boyfriend has ADHD, and as a compromise for chores he does the “regular tasks” like laundry and dishes. I don’t have ADHD, so I do “big tasks”, like cleaning and tidying the house, as well as deep cleaning. It works for us, because I hate those regular tasks 😛 and he gets really overwhelmed by the idea of cleaning the whole house 😄👍.

I wish that the ADHD ask was handled differently. While advice about how to better manage symptoms can be extremely useful, it sounded to me like he was really struggling with communicating with his wife, and was asking for advice on how to navigate the fact she won't hear/accommodate his needs. I think that any time we're talking anything that is complicated by neurodivergence, it's important to not only talk about how we're managing those symptoms, but how we can make the situation more accommodating to our needs. Because even when we try to manage our symptoms differently, it can still take time to get the correct medication/ for it to kick in, or for us to learn those new habits.

The ADHD one was legit. That's exactly how I forget things as well & I am a woman with ADHD/Autism.

My husband and both of our kids all have ADHD. They all need to be given one task at a time. They can't retain a list of tasks in their heads. My kids' school accommodates this with an IEP. It's a disability and it should be accommodated. This is the reality I live in and I do my best with it, just like everyone else tolerates my autistic special interest in which I work D&D into nearly every conversation. We all have our needs. :)

As a woman with ADHD, I 100% emphasize with the guy in the last post. If it's not one task at a time (or a written list) I literally cant do it! It's ridiculous

Oooof the fact that my mom always described love as “finding your perfect puzzle piece” explains a lot of my issues with and around relationship expectations. I always appreciate your insight on these topics, your channel has been really helpful for my own personal processing and growth

What's up with the wife of the ADHD guy? I been married to a man with ADHD 33years. It's not rocket science. One thing at a time .

I feel for the guy with ADHD. I have it too and I get forgetful too. His wife needs to be more understanding of his executive dysfunction. It would hurt me too if my SO got angry at me when I forget things.

You have to be careful on Reddit. It can definitely trigger tons of anxiety and plant doubts that wouldn't be in your head otherwise. They also really hang onto psychologist concepts like attachment styles and use them as the reason why everything is doomed.

You make reading reddit comments more tolerable lol

On the ADHD one I have to say that even with medication I have significant issues with executive dysfunction. Medication helps, but it only does so much so telling someone they just need to take pills to fix themself isn't a good answer. (And sometimes people have reasons why they *can't* take medication - my brother can't take stimulants due to hypertension.)

I have ADHD, & memory problems led to abuse by multiple stepmothers, & watching my dad experience abuse, including physical, for the same things. So I don't totally love the interjection of gender politics there? I get the point, it just might be hitting too close to home.

That's how I felt with my ex husband. He just wanted me to follow him around like a dog and never complain or want anything else. It was so hard to explain it to him because he just got defensive.

that guy talking about wanting to get back with his ex like "shes perfect for me, but i think shes lying about having a date to make me jealous, she always used to do that when we were dating" 1) shes probably not lying, she probably has moved on and has found someone else 2) if she is lying, its probably because you keep harassing her and you wont take no for an answer 3) if shes lying and it *is* to make you jealous (unlikely tbh)... why would you want to go back to dating someone like that???

I was doing my finances and internally freaking out over how much money I'm putting into therapy. But you and your video is a great reminder of why I'm doing this and that therapists are human with a livelihood, too.

I was thinking about something similar to the concept of going to therapy to "get better" and be a "better person" just so someone will date you. It's similar to after a breakup going on a diet or going to the gym to work on your "revenge body" so that your ex will realize they made a horrible mistake in leaving you. You're not doing the work for yourself. You're doing it so the other person feels guilty or jealous of the fact that you're "so much better" now that they're gone.

With the ADHD partner, it sounds like his working memory has a capacity of one item. That is a real thing. Some brains are like that. It is possible to have therapy in childhood to increase working memory capacity but it is extremely hard work, and very tiring for the child. I don't know whether it's possible to do that kind of therapy as an adult or how to access it. I don't know whether stimulant medication would help with working memory capacity, I think the need for extra dopamine/stimulation is a different problem to low working memory capacity. I know Mickey's background is in social work, a therapist with a lot of training in psychology might be able to comment more on issues with working memory in ADHD.

The last one brought up some stuff for me. It's a hard one cause whilst the power dynamic between men and woman could definitely play a role here I think people don't know about the power difference between neurotypicals and neurodivergents. It's a bit more complicated as most of the population is neurotypical therefore not many people have first hand experience of this, but there is a sort of power dynamic. Neurotypicals expect certain things from others. It is assumed that a basic task for them will be a basic task for others. To the point where if someone doesn't meet their expectations then they are doing it on purpose, are rude or just lazy. Neurodiverse people have always been expected to adhere to the neurotypical world. We work on their time, whether or not its impossibly fast or terribly slow. That expectation, and constant failings to meet that expectation, can lead to a lot of different mental health issues like low self esteem and anxiety. It means that most of us bend over backwards to accommodate neurotypical people, even if what they are asking for is unreasonable even by typical standards. This person's account is really familiar to me. Trying to explain what your limits are, stretching yourself thin to accommodate the other person, then being scolded for not being able to keep up with them, the previous conversation about limits be damned. Obviously, I don't know if that's what is going on here. You can, of course, be neurodivergent and an asshole. I have many a time. But I thought it might be interesting to chime in from a neurodivergent perspective on the subject. Just like you, I see a lot of red flags, just in a different area.

I have never been in a relationship, but since I was early I have a little bit of friendship advice instead and I'd thought It'd be fun to share it! As someone who is often quiet, I don't want to make my friends feel like I don't care about them if they text me or want to talk to me, but then I don't respond or I'm just quiet because I either have no energy or just feel like being quiet, y'know? I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. What helps me is sending short texts to my friends once in a day/week if we haven't seen each other in a while. My friend understands that I have a very low energy level and doing activities with much people, and even two people can be exhausting. And while she is more outgoing than me, she also likes doing small things or having small conversations. So sending short texts or messages, or even doing small activities in calm spaces can be great for both you and your friend if you also feel this way

regarding adhd in the instance of a romantic relationship (or any relationship honestly) as someone who's had adhd for my entire life (as you do lol) I've been medicated for the last ten years or so (as an adult, I wasn't diagnosed until 18). and truly I function SO MUCH BETTER on adderall than I do without it, but I also know that not everyone with adhd can take stimulants (maybe it conflicts with other meds etc) and also even if they are able to take it, I've learned that it might not work for everyone anyway, depending on their needs and the specific issues they have regarding the disorder. as someone with adhd, who has a lot of experience living with the disorder (and because of that, done a lot of research on it for my own personal interests) but who does not have the restrictions mickey does of being a professional, I would say that while medication might be a valid option for that person, I've found it more helpful to be explicitly clear with everyone I interact with regularly (friends, family, co-workers, etc) and just tell them hey my brain works a little differently than yours and I want you to know that just because it may seem like I don't care about certain things (for example if I forget important dates or tasks) it doesn't mean that I do not care, sometimes my brain just sorts things into boxes and instead of neatly labeling them and putting them on a shelf to deal with later, my brain might choose to chuck in the recycle bin unlabeled, never to be heard from again. and the really important part to understand here, is that I have NO CONTROL over which things my brain chooses to deem "important," so getting angry at me (or someone with similar issues) is not only unlikely to actually change my behaviour (as it's kind of just part of me as a human) but it's also very likely to make me feel unnecessarily guilty and shameful about it. much like the guy on reddit who expressed that he felt "like a toddler." that really hit home for me. and I wanna tell anyone reading this, if you have adhd, and you need extra help to get shit done (like phone alarms, reminders, other people in your life even) that is okay. you are valid and your feelings are valid and you are a full grown human, not a toddler. don't let anyone tell you or make you feel like you aren't enough because of something you can't control. I know you're struggling and I'm sorry for that suffering but I believe in you and I support you. 💕

my issue with the 'just take stimulants' thing is that sometimes medication doesn't work. it didn't work for me. not to mention, i don't think that poster disclosed whether or not they were medicated, so people just assumed that they weren't. there are some things you can do to work on it without meds tho. i mean, he could at least get his wife to give him a list of tasks, and if it's not convenient for her, he could take the notes himself. i don't think that it's right for his wife to make him feel bad for something he can't always control, but there are things he can do to keep track of tasks. ADHD is a nightmare when you live with someone who doesn't understand it or respect your limitations. She doesn't have to be ok with him messing up, but she should be ok with supporting him and helping him work through it, i think.

its not ridiculous to require accommodations for a disability, which ADHD is. the issues hes having is working memory mostly, executive function plays hand in hand with inertia and hyper focus or fixations.. I am the same way, I'm a flippin scientist and working memory can be a problem. I write things down a lot and when ppl ask me for things I make a point to repeat back to them the requests.. it's difficult when ppl just assume ur being a pos on purpose and dont try to their end to meet you.

I don’t like the assumption that many people including some neurodivergent people make that we need to fix how our brains work. There’s nothing wrong with focusing on one task at a time or having a smaller working memory than others. Trying to fit into a neurotypical box will make your life worse not better.

I think the algorithm recommended this video because of all the mentions of ADHD in the comments 😂 I'm a high-achieving woman recently diagnosed with ADHD, in my late 30s. I have been in lots of therapy with therapists that didn't pick up on it because I didn't fit the stereotype. One thing not mentioned that I wish would get more recognition is the *emotional sensitivity*.. I can get so lost in my emotions (hyperfocus on the thing troubling me) and certain approaches just do not work for me and make me feel worse. I recognized myself in the guy in the second one talking about not being able to eat or sleep. I was once told that perhaps I was being manipulative when I was trying to work through something after things ended with the only person I've ever dated. I was shocked and so hurt, and it brought up all the other times I've been told how I'm doing things wrong. In retrospect, it's kind of like when people say a toddler is being manipulative - we're not trying to be, we just do not have the same level of social and emotional development as other adult people! It especially hurts when you already know that about yourself and are literally right there trying to learn. Being told that felt like falling down an elevator shaft emotionally - I felt so utterly worthless and broken. In a place I thought I was safe, no less. With that guy in the post, I know that sometimes it really could be a tactic, but just as probably, the guy might actually need help not hyperfocusing on his perceived failures. I think it's better to phrase that as pointing out that the other person in the situation might *feel* they are being manipulated by him rather than to suggest or accuse the person of being knowingly or even unknowingly manipulative. Added bonus, it also gives you a better place to start working from - because understanding how others feel & changing your communication is possible! And it's not manipulative in itself to want to communicate better. (Though in this case, I think the guy is probably better off moving on and practicing his new skills in a new relationship.) Also, I would just repeat how hard that kind of situation can be for us undiagnosed folks because it really can feel like if we just learned how to *be different* things would work out. We don't know we're neurodivergent yet, but instead have internalized years/decades of messages about all the things we need to fix about ourselves to become acceptable & then of course think this is yet another such situation.

Both my partner and I have ADHD, I became more organized as a coping strategy and he is less so like that but he is better at deadlines, paperwork, etc. It is so interesting how even having the same nuerodivergency we have been impacted by the differences in the socialization of men and women. For one, I was diagnosed after high school while he was diagnosed as a child. He is a lot better now after making the issue clear but keeping a mental tally of everything that needs to get done is so exhausting. So I understand the frustration of like, there are dishes in the sink: you don’t need me to ask you to do them, just do them.

Me daily: I wonder if Mickey watches / what she thinks of psychology in Seattle🤣 thank you for answering my burning thought question!

oh so happy you mentioned Psychology in Seattle! I consistently watch both of your stuff :^)

22:54 I don’t think this is a fair take at all here. I also have ADHD (I’m a cis woman and AM on stimulant medication) and everything this guy wrote was so true to my own experience. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your brain just cannot do certain things. It sounds like this man has done everything he can to meet his partner more than halfway and she simply doesn’t accept that he is neurodivergent. He’s more than willing to do the things she asks, he just needs her to ask him to do so in specified ways. He’s done the work to figure out why this is a problem for him and to come up with solutions that will work with his brain (setting reminders, asking her not to interrupt one task with a request for another). It’s unreasonable, and really hurtful from experience, for her to turn around and say it isn’t good enough. A respectful partner doesn’t make you feel like you are a child just because you have certain struggles they don’t share or care to understand.

I just watched Mickey vid about Paul and Morgan, and Mickey's beginning of the video partner high five was a thousand times more natural and sweet than any high five the fundie couple has ever put to film lol

My ex husband wanted me to watch him mow the grass, wash the cars and when he was watching sports expected me to actually watch it with him even though I was sitting on the couch reading a book next to him. I told him I didn’t expect him to watch me clean the toilet, wash clothes or cheer me on while cooking. He said it wasn’t the same. Any wonder that he’s my ex? 🤣

Can you react to Criminal Minds season 3 episode 18? half of it is about this woman who kills her husband after years of emotional abuse and the abuse shown in that is... not the kind we talk about usually (it's gaslighting , manipulation and complete control over the victims life making them unable to fight or run or even ask for help) Please please please react to it. i want to know what kind of outcomes can be expected from a victim of abuse who had been going through this for decades as i don't think many end up killing their abusers but i can see many killing themselves. you can add even more "subtle looking but horrible all the same" abuses from other movies and please talk about short term vs. long term abuse and how it messes with the victim's mind

I appreciate that Mickey is a mental health professional and I'm not, but I find the response to the ADHD question concerning. Imagine if the question was about a visible physical disability instead, such as only having one arm, and the question was how to deal with his partner repeatedly demanding he carry more items than he could possibly hold. Not being able to remember more than one task at a time is no different, and expecting anyone to do something they aren't capable of because of a disability is always ableist regardless of the genders involved.

the first couple is AGGRESSIVELY colorado

UGH! the first question reminded me a lot of my toxic relationship… partner made a huge deal about me not being into his stuff, and made me feel guilty for liking the things I like. Didn’t see me as my own person with my own interests. Just wanted someone to validate his own identity

Mickey: we should be doing therapy for ourselves, not for getting someone else to Give Us The Thing Me: joke's on,,, someone, the best stretch of therapy I ever had was when DCS forced me to go, and I put in the work to receive praise from my therapist. Oh and I guess I got a lot of emotional literacy and personal growth out of dbt and I'm a much happier person or whatever

If you're not going to seek what you're dog likes don't get a fog or any animal or friend

In that second thread I get the impression that we're not exactly being given the full context but even within what we're given there are some things worth pointing out. For one, I have a difficult time believing that if you're a toxic person that going to therapy for a couple of months is going to fully resolve those issues. I'm sure you can make some big strides but that's the kind of work that I'd expect to take time to fully take hold. And there's something kind of contradictory. So, let's say it's true that she lies about dates to make him feel jealous and get a rise out of him. If that's true, can you really say she's your dream girl? Because trying to make your partner feel jealous seems a little toxic to me. And I think it goes to show that there's still more work to be done because jealousy comes from a place of insecurity and he has nothing to be insecure about here because they are not in a relationship.

Just gotta love the ablists too that never help because "Well IIIIII did this by myself, so you NEED to do it yourself". Alright. Next time you guys need your place cleaned, or you need someone to rant to, or want someone else to drive, you can fucking do it. I did it myself too. Good luck.

This comment isn’t about the topic. I just want to tell you, as a mom of 5 including a trans a woman, non binary child, bi sexual child, questioning child and an 8yr old….I adore your very seemingly automatic inclusivity language. Thank you, I strive to do that every day and it can be hard. But it’s so so important, so thank you.

mickey: "my voice is hoarse now so we're going to be done" me: Bye Bye Horse!

The first story really hit home for me because I have felt very frequently while dating that men wanted me to just slip into their lives instead of making room for me. My current relationship is the first time I felt like a man wad trying to make space for me in his life. I thought it was just a me thing.

"This one is written by Kyle on Love Is Blind" girl you are killing me today

Watching your videos while I clean on Saturday mornings is the best part of my weekend routine. Thanks for the work you do :)

If the last story had been about a man in a wheelchair being accused of being too lazy to take the stairs, would you have brought up his gender? Seriously, "maybe he's just lazy" was a pretty shitty take when discussing someone with ADHD. Sure, he could be lying, anyone on reddit could be lying at any time, but the situation he described is exactly how ADHD is known to work. If he's like most people with ADHD, he's probably spent a good portion of his life being called lazy and having his motivations questioned by people who are supposed to love and support him, piling on is gross and ableist. I have ADHD myself, and this response was really hurtful and disappointing. I promise, everyone who shares my condition that I've ever talked to about it (men, women or neither) would happily trade a few extra chores for better working memory or less executive disfunction.

Yep that first one sounds exactly like my ex, the “compatibility concerns”, the “anxiety”, I was so worried about his feelings and anxiety that I didn’t notice I had no space to just be me instead of being like. his arm

the "men wanting women to just fit into their lives with no change to themselves" really sounded like the plot of how i met your mother where ted only wanted the absolute perfect lady and nothing less.

kinda late to the party... but regarding the last couple, think this is an issue that will be coming up more cause of covid. My husband didn't really have any issue, just a fever for a couple days and the covid toe thing like a year after, but I got to have all the things and approaching 2.5 years and still having cognitive issues. As part of the long covid clinic I was even evaluated and diagnosed with a cognitive disorder that makes it so I cant focus on more than one thing. Been trying to navigate it, but kinda hard since I was neurotypical through out our relationship, but now if he starts talking to me when I'm doing something all I register is that someone was talking to me when I finish. He gets frustrated sometimes, but usually it's me that gets frustrated and can be a little short because I can't do things anymore and I will lash out. Something I am trying to work on. Does seem to be a rather common issues among long covid people, so imagine it will be coming up more in therapy moving forward.

I feel like Mickey was being ableist when talking about the man with ADHD. Similar things happen between my partner and me. I'm neurodivergent and non-binary, and my partner is non-neurodivergent and agender. Mickey talks about people with neurodivergence growing and evolving or taking medication to not have these symptoms. Neurodivergent people shouldn't have to grow and evolve to fit the non-neurodivergent world. Neurodivergent people are not a set of symptoms. Our brains work differently, and sometimes we need accommodations in relationships. Mickey also said some ableist things about ADHD and Autism in her diagnosis video. I think she should avoid talking about neurodivergence until she is about to speak to neurodivergent people and educate herself. Also, I know this sounds mean. It is difficult to hear someone you enjoy watching say ableist things about a group you belong to.

"having a stranger reading you to filth about everything that's wrong with you and everything you need to change" is how I'm going to describe therapy to people now

Story 2 really gets me because I’m SICK of men treating women/femmes like collectible objects that need to be acquired or “won back”. Honorable mention to the idea that self-improvement should only be done to persuade a woman to get back with you, and not because… idk, you ACTUALLY need to improve yourself for YOU?

Can confirm, my dog is the best.

As a female presenting person with ADHD, i feel a lot of these comments taking major issue with Mickey's take on the last story are frustrating. While I do agree that bringing his gender into question and speculating whether or not that was a factor in his struggles was a bit dismissive, i think the repeated take of "we shouldn't have to conform to NT standards, he needs to leave her if she doesn't accommodate every single issue that his ADHD causes" is extremely problematic. It would be wonderful if relationships were as simple as the NT partner understanding every single thing us NDs do and accommodating us as such, but that simply just ISN'T how a fair relationship works. What I got from Mickey's statement was "they might want to discuss a different type of compromise", and a lot of people are interpreting that as "he needs to conform to NT standards". I don't think those two sentiments are mutually exclusive at all. I think there is a major difference between CONFORMING and ADAPTING. Personally, I really struggle with time blindness. Among all the executive dysfunctions I suffer from, it definitely effects my relationships because i tend to be chronically late to everything given my lack of perception of the passage of time. My partner and I carpool to work, and my time blindness would frequently make it so we were late leaving. My partner expressed that this frustrated him as he didn't understand why I couldn't just get out of bed and get ready as quickly as he does (He's also ND, FYI), and my default response was to remind him of my time blindness and how that's not in my control bc i felt slightly attacked. I had to take a step back and realize however that my lateness makes it appear as if I don't value/care about other people's time. It would be wildly unfair of me to just shrug my shoulders and say "well that's a factor of my ADHD and Im not conforming to NT standards, sorry". There is room for compromise without conforming! In the aforementioned situation, I didn't just go, "okay, I'm going to do exactly what you said and jump out of bed and rush to get ready" to conform exactly to what he wanted from me. I also didn't tell him to just put up with my time blindness bc its not 100% in my control. I didn't have to do this next thing, but since i had the money and felt like it would actually help me in several aspects in my life, I invested in the cheapest apple watch to keep me aware of how much time is passing when getting ready (note, this is not the only reason i bought the watch). I also could've just used my phone, but personally, having the watch on my wrist at all times makes it much easier for me to keep up with. I honestly just have it set to go off every five minutes so I'm moving at an acceptable pace when getting ready. This is what I mean when I say "adapt" vs "conform". One of the major things that helped me with my exucitve dysfunction was finding creative methods of keeping myself on track. It doesn't read as NT and may be super unorthodox, but it helps me keep myself accountable for things that have an effect on others around me This was super long and really turned into an essay, but yeah. I don't entirely agree with every thing Mickey said, but i think objectively (as a concept in and of itself, not necessarily even pertaining to the reddit post) the idea that everyone should just have to put up with the issues executive dysfunction causes is really damaging, in my opinion of course.

Ok but can I piggyback on the suggestion of watching Dr. Honda's stuff on the Psychology in Seattle channel because his analyses are nothing short of MASTERFUL

LOVE these types of videos! Super interesting to hear what people post online and then hear a professional break it down

To my fellow ADHD'ers upset with Mickey's opinion. This isn't meant as a rant; i see your frustration with how neurodivergence is dismissed and i feel it, and i hope you can also find space consider my opinion. I completely relate to the husband's experience as an ADHD'er too, and how y'all have interpreted his reddit post. If the wife is not willing to be accommodating, esp when this man is TRYING, that's weird and ableist, and I hope he finds someone who treats him how he deserves. This is my take as a random person with ADHD hearing this story. However, I think Mickey, as a therapist and public figure, is justified in her own take- she hasn't met these people and is solely operating off of the husband's account. I'd be remiss not to point out we haven't heard the wife's understanding of the situation. Our only info on this conflict that affects two people, is comprised of the husband's perceptions...which is a problem, because a relationship is more than one person. I don't mean this in some nefarious way, or to cast aspersions, just in a very basic way, that he is speaking from his own point of view, and in general forming a conclusion off of one perspective is probably not going to go very well, even if that perspective is 'true.' I think Mickey is keeping these caveats at the forefront, and mentally approaching it more so from a couples therapy framework, (which is a fundamentally different paradigm than that of a random layperson commenter (like me)), which in my understanding, seeks to support all parties, in as unbiased a manner as possible. If they were her clients irl, i think she would want to hear from both of them, and also work to understand what their dynamic is like in other areas of the relationship. On a personal note, it is true in my experience that men are generally held to a much lower standard in many aspects of relationship "work," and i'm sure she's witnessed it in her practice. By calling that potential pitfall dynamic out to viewers, she's alerting those who might recognize aspects of their own experience in this example, as well as bringing sociocultural understanding to the situation (something that a lot of therapists are not educated on). Patriarchal underpinnings affect so many things in our day-to-day lives. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. Basically i think it's a good thing she called this out as another possible layer. Like, it can be both of those things- the ADHD struggles I'm sure are very true, lord knows this man sounds exactly like me; there also may be some 'yikes' dynamics at play between the husband and the wife that cause tension (and could even be the true cause of the wife's frustration). We as ADHD'ers do have legit brain struggles; that doesn't make us exempt from social messaging, or mean that we should not approach issues involving neurodiversity and relationships with nuance. Essentially, my point is that neither we, nor Mickey, know these people. What Mickey is evaluating here is the equivalent of one person's journal entry- we're only seeing through the husband's eyes, and have no outside or verifiably factual information. The saying goes that the truth lies somewhere between what two people say, right? Mickey is operating off of that, that there's more information that she just doesn't have. She didn't choose 'sides' nor did she diminish the husband's perceived experience. ...I kind of feel like we didn't watch the same video because Mickey's *not dismissing* the ADHD impacts-- she's also not dismissing the possibility of relational gender-norms (which impact how we behave and what we believe) playing a part. That's the best she can do as an outside observer publicly reacting *as a therapist* who has read a single internet post and has no real knowledge of the situation. So without further information, and without being their actual therapist, Mickey is justified in remaining neutral and representing multiple possibilities/solutions. That's *literally* her job. I honestly think she did great with advocating for the husband, while still holding space for the wife.

As an aroace who has never been in a relationship, this stuff reminds me why I don’t want a relationship. So much could go wrong or be messed up and I’m not someone who’s at their best when around others. And I wouldn’t even gain anything from a relationship. Like, where are the advantages of having another person in your life?

That first guy basically wanting to date his own shadow. Dude yikes.

At lot of people in these comments are on the side of the guy with ADHD and from that post I'm inclined to believe he genuinely does do his best to work with his neurodivergence. But having been the neutrotypical woman married to a person with ADHD who was socialized as male (she is not male but at the time she was as far as I knew) I did not know how to handle the situation where I was doing ALL the emotional labour of running a household and no matter how many systems we tried to help her, she could not remember to do even basic household chores. I literally had to go "okay I can ask her to do one thing a day. what is that one thing I choose today" and just hoped she remembered and did it. Except I was the only income earner and needed more support than "one thing a day". Maybe it is abelist - it's not my place to say - but I do appreciate Mickey pointing out it is not as simple as "ADHD person needs support and appropriate accommodations for them". Of course they do but it still is a relationship between two people - a partnership - and we have no idea what the wife in that situation was dealing with.

The second post the dude is in therapy but still going to Reddit for relationship advice? Dude ask your therapist that won’t only tell you you probably need to learn to let her go but also help guide you through your personal process of doing so

Am i the a-hole? I went to couples therapy and discussed an episode where my partner touched me inappropriately while we were sleeping. I will specify that he was sleeping and just having an animated dream. He does not remember it at all. I have previous sexual trauma and this episode made me relive that experience. I explained this to him and asked my partner to clearly ask for consent before touching me for a while so I could mentally prepare for it. He felt like he was being punished for something he didn't have control over and got angry at me. We explained this to our therapist and I felt like she took his side. She comforted him and told me my trauma is my burden to bear and that I should work through it so he doesn't have to compromise his sexual satisfaction when he is not at fault. Note: we were still sexually active, just less spontaneous. I don't feel like I was being unreasonable. 🤷‍♀️

4:46 real ted mosby energy

Aw, I love that you shouted out Dr Honda, I can't recommend his channel more, it's like a workbook for starting to work on yourself and have the self awareness to seek therapy.

The one guy who got 2 months of therapy saying he changed so much, but proceeds to list getting muscles and a raise as if that shows his mental health and behaviors have changed at all

Thank you for the video Mickey!

Stopping at 5:07 cause i want people to know- i 100% feel like my person just bumped into me and clicked like a lego- were hs sweethearts who have been toghether for almost a decade. But guess what? Its work guys! Its not a rom com where everything lines up perfect and we are clones with a gender swap. We are attached at the hip and from the outside may appear like that holy grail perfect fit- but we are flexible and respectful. Like that couples rock climbing is our gaming- i am a noob and my bf is a hardcore gamer. But he doesnt expect me to keep up with his fast paced team og buddies who have been building a basis of understanding with each other since grade school. My inability to do fpsers isnt a risk to our long term compatability. He expressed wanting to share his hobby with me, i expressed my concerns about being a drag on his fun- and he found shit we could play together that implements MY strengths and interests (art and storytelling) so we play pokemon snap and i watch lore videos for elden ring with him. And vice versa hes not a cook but i am and also like sharing my hobbies- so cooking is now a learning activity thats a giant game. You cant be compatible long term with anyone if you are expecting them to snap into your lego but you dont wanna snap into theirs.

ADHD guy sounds like he’s really putting in the effort! I’ve known people with ADHD who used it as an excuse to just absolutely shit on every commitment. They never put in effort. But this poor dude is doing his level best and his wife is being a biatch. Just my opinion I’m not a therapist or a doctor

this is a great video!! lots of good information and interesting thoughts. nuance is definitely our friend. thanks Mickey!

I love this dark hair look

I only got back with my ex because he tried to unalive himself and said he would again if I didn't. He aslo had my self esteem so low I thought no one else would ever love me (because he literally told me no one else would). Awful times.

Tbh, as a guy with both mental illness and neurodivergency, it felt like you took every opportunity to shut down the feeling of hurt and shame of the people in these situations. Not to say that any of them are necessarily in the right, but it left a bad taste in my mouth. I know that you have personal experience with ADHD, but I think it’s important to say that speculating on whether or not someone is using something so hard to deal with to get around taking responsibility is incredibly hurtful, especially when you’re not in a situation to know them personally. I don’t know, it was just really uncomfortable to watch this video because it felt like you weren’t taking any of the people who were clearly hurting very seriously. I guess that’s more of an issue with the subreddit reaction format, but nonetheless.

I'm not sure I agree with grouping together men, "people socialized as men" and "masc-presenting people". Trans women are often grouped in with "people socialized as men" and like, society teaches everyone of all genders that women exist for men, and I think trans women dont interpret that message the same way cis men do. And as for "masc-presenting people"...well, I don't think masculine women and nonbianry people are more likely to objectify their partners than anyone else. Certainly not as likely as men. I know people like to use terms like "masc-presenting" or "socialized as male" to be trans inclusive but sometimes the most accurate term is just "men" Otherwise, I love the video :)

Just discovered your youtube channel!😊✌🌻

As an autistic woman, the last one made me itch a little. Thank you for the insight, Mickey!

I think learning about and trying the things your partner enjoys is one of the best things in a realtionship. Introducing your partner to your hobbies and interests is so much fun (and hot 😏)! Although it is completely fine and important (!!!) to have some activities for yourself. I figure that these unrealistic ideas of what a partner should be like is a product of how relationships have been portrayed in our culture and media with the partner being your "significant other", the "missing puzzle piece" to your life, the person you want to be with all of the time. It took me a lot of years and therapy sessions to learn this myself. My life does not and should not revolve around my partner, I am my own person. Also, the comedy special "Jigsaw" by Daniel Sloss (on Netflix) dismantles the puzzle piece metaphor in a great way imo.

i couldn’t agree more about your response to the first post

11:56 YES

I have Aspergers and might have mild ADHD and I struggle to keep my space clean and tidy enough. I forget foods in the fridge, which spoils, and when I am in stressful periods everything is a mess around me I sometimes feel lonely and can get a bit clingy, but I try to work on myself in these regards Several spaces list these as red flags and, tbh, I am not entirely sure I would have liked to date myself I do have a wonderful boyfriend and I wanna improve for both of our sakes

‘stir up their insides and make them excited-‘ *camera cuts* Yeah, I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face either Mickey.

Would love to hear your take on the Iranian yogurt!

Girl, I really like your videos. I think you are so insightful and I really like being part of your community. One thing...... You talk so fast! I find myself starting to have anxiety trying to keep up with your words. It would be so nice just to enjoy your conversation. You have so many good thoughts and I think you have so much to share but you start talking so fast.... Please consider slowing down. Thank you!!

The guy that did a crash course of therapy, but actually talked about how he got promoted and gained 50 pounds, and then falls apart when the girl doesn't want him anymore... Honestly, it's so sad how we are taught that these things are the ultimate self improvement actions, especially for men, but evidently it just makes us feel worse when that doesn't work. He's probably thinking, this is the best I can be, and she doesn't want me? There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. It seems he is now worse off than when he started....

Very much enjoy this content :)

Can you react to Couples therapy on showtime??

Reddit told the ADHD guy to take stimulants. I have ADHD and my psychiatrist refuses to give them to me 🙃

The thing that frustrates me is the benefit of the doubt is almost never given to femme or afab people even if they struggle with the same executive function issues. We are just expected to overcome. But I also feel like it IS necessary to put forth WORK to make sure you aren’t inconveniencing people in your life all the time. I think it matters more the work you put in, instead of just being like “well this is just how I am”. I (afab) adhd, so does my partner who’s a man. But somehow I’m still expected to be the household manager despite having adhd as well. I literally can’t afford to forget stuff because my partner does. So like if he forgets he’s just forgetful but if I forget, something important didn’t get done. If you have adhd, it’s your job to do what you can for your functioning and that includes relationships. It’s your job to find a system that works. Maybe that means being texted a list so you dont forget, or you writing down a note on your phone so you don’t forget everything. To be clear, you’re still going to forget stuff. But I feel like my biggest issue with that last guy was “well this is just how I am and how my brain works” with the expectation that his partner has to just bend and work to how his brain works and there’s no suggestion or ask of meeting half way. And that tends to fall along gendered lines and it’s often a trigger for anger with me, as an afab person with really bad executive function issues.

I think the first advice really stuck with me, as my partner and I recently ended our relationship after trying to work on it for a long long time. So it's great to hear that my thoughts and opinions are in line with what a therapist would recommend. I felt that my partner did not acknowledge my positive individuality and embrace me for it. It was just brushed off for so long, so it's nice to think that I'll find someone who will honor my autonomy and individuality and embrace it, rather than be very blase about it.

oof the last one is painfully relatable to me, except i had a similar situation with a (now former) friend of mine who quickly grew to use this trait of my adhd against me to gaslight and guilt trip me and the abuse has still fucked me up to this day.

I really wish I found your videos when I was with my ex or beforehand so I would no he checks every red flag box there is .. how do I get you as a therapist ik we couldn't be friends but you just got all the good vibes an your advice is so helpful an logical an a breath of fresh air. 🦄💖💌

Very much not a therapist at all but as a receptionist for a few therapists including a couples therapist, it sounds like a couple of one on one therapy sessions might also be helpful in that situation.

You’re always beautiful, but in this video in particular you have this happy glow and look gorgeous

I liked the commentary, but the content wasn't really reflective of the title. I thought you would be also reading the advice redditors gave, then explaining why it would be good or bad, rather than reading the title/content and giving your own advice.