Here is what I have to say as a person that has dealt with a FA/DA off and on for years. Once you pushed someone away that loved you, cared for you, wanted to spend their life with you....dont reach out anymore unless you have been to Counseling, unless you have healed, unless you are in a healthy state of mind. When you reach out and you are still the same it is selfish, self-centered and wrong. See when you reach out to us we believe that you are going to be different this time, we believe you had time to think and ready for love and to be loved. We believe that you are ready to let us in. We think you would not be contacting us unless you have changed, unless you have faced your fears and now ready. Then we get hurt gain when we realize you have not changed. You were just having a sentimental moment. How do we figure it out....we give our hearts to you again only to get pushed away again. If you truly love someone that you have pushed away love them enough to leave them alone if you have not changed. Love them enough to let them find someone who will give them what you wont. Love them enough to find someone that will give them the love, closeness and intimacy that you refuse to and too fearful to. Just because you feel bad later and want us back into your life though knowintg full you are only offering the same and as soon as we are in your danger zone you will push us away again is wrong on many levels. So for all of us that have tried to love you, care for you, shared with you, have deep intimacy with you, just wanted to be with you please leave us alone unless you are ready to give us the love and intimacy that we tried to give you.
My FA ex cheated on me after 4 years after I caught her she blocked me on everything and dated the guy the day we broke up, I did nothing but treat this person with love and was destroyed She has no remorse or regret ever after I treated her like a princess for 4 years…. I just don’t understand how they can be so cruel.
Normally yes however I have recently been blindsided and discarded by a dismisive. 15mth and all was good because we were very much alligned and I now realise that's because my avoident sat nicely with his, we didn't want to move in together, we both understood the others need for space etc. Then I got triggered into anxiety mode because I felt him pull back very slightly, with 24 hours of building it took one confict and the relationship was destroyed with in an hour, a spontainious death sprial where I watched everything sucked into it before my eye's is the best description I can give. I've never experianced this before it's been traumatic to say the least & I've never been so far from avoident after a split. I assume thats because my avoident side don't get triggered like it always has before. Then I discovered attachment theory so have been doing a lot of work on myself and actully feel I'm in a really healthy place considering everything. I've not tried contacting him for a while and I feel very much in control but in an emotionally present way, not burying it like I normally would....You have helped so much!
Sometimes the best thing to do for this attachment style is to let them be and work on yourself and let them get their stuff together. It requires patience, not with them getting their act together, but more so patience with yourself. Trying to force things with this attachment style or any other for that matter is never good.
Seriously. I am an FA and I stopped dating. I recognized how damaging it was for me and others. I am doing the work but it is so difficult fighting instinct, it made me tired. Not dating protects me and others.
@@hevabmore samee. I also stopped already and try figuring out myself rn. so tired of the cycle I'm doing everytime I am triggered cuz I feel like I'm hating myself more when I keep on unconsciously hurting others who just wants to get close and know me. tho it feels hard to hold those instinct of doing all those toxic habits again😭
That's the best thing to do. Sometimes trying to help this attachment style makes them get hostile because they feel like you're stepping on their toes and trying to invade their life. If they reach out to talk, just listen to them and don't offer solutions @@fosterfoster9913
I’m anxious preoccupied. 7 yrs on and off. It was always painful. In the end he broke off with me. I wasn’t expecting it. I kicked my heels up. I was hurt. I was angry at him and I let this be known. He was totally avoidant of any intimacy. I struggle a lot. I loved him more than he loved me. That’s crystal clear. I was good to him but when he pulled away I was to emotional. When he ended us out the blue when things were good and he wouldn’t offer an explanation that’s when it turned nasty between us. By the way for 6.5 yrs of our 7 yrs together there was no closeness or intimacy whatsoever. Was more like a strongish friendship. Like Ivwas someone to jolly around in camping trips together. I hurt muchly. Knowing he didn’t love me hurts a lot. We have been split for 4 mths it got ugly between us. He blocked me in everything a month ago. 7 yrs I loved that man. Thais please offer me some advice. Im so lost just now.
They are so exhausting. Sailboats were meant to sail, not sit in the harbor. Avoidants watch the world go by and if given the chance, will suck the life right out of you.
3 weeks post break up, my ex reached back out and I didn't respond right away, the way i usually would do. she said "nvm I shouldn't have said anything" CLEARLY showing how they swing from anxious to avoidant if they feel rejected, This material is PRICELESS!! It all makes sense once you do the work and understand it. Thank you Thais, your PDS has been life changing! 💯
My ex contacted me the week before Xmas after 2 months NC (this being the third time we had went NC). She text me apologising how she had treated me this (last) year and she had never loved like that before. After talking she asked if she could see me which I did agree. We spoke and she said she is going to get a female therapist in January (this month) as she has tried before with a male therapist and she felt uncomfortable and she felt it made her worse as she thinks she feels stupid as she shouldn't feel the way she does. She did say to me she doesn't want to hurt me again and she can't promise that she won't feel the way she does again but she did say we take things slow and I agreed. I stayed over at hers a couple days later. The following couple of weeks we did speak every day but I could sense she was pulling away again. She would make plans to see me but said she was not feeling well which I feel was an excuse. I asked her if everything is ok between us and she said she just isn't happy within herself and looks in the mirror and hates herself and she hates how she treated me the past year but I always said I'll support her and be there for her. We spoke on hogmany wished each other a new year etc but we didn't speak on new year's day. She text me on the 2nd January and I replied but I obviously triggered her as I said I feel like there is either someone else in the picture/something wrong. She said she is stuck because it didn't work last year so how's it going to work this year and that she shouldn't feel like that. So I said can I come up and grab my usb stick from you I won't try to convince you otherwise, I don't want this between us but I won't change your mind. She said she doesn't want it either but she's not in the right headspace. She agrees to see me the next day but then hours later she text to say it's beat we don't see each other as it won't be good but she said she can post it. I said that's fine. She text me the next day saying hope your first day goes well ( in my new job) and she will post my USB stick out today. That was on the 3rd in January and heard nothing since and not received my usb stick either.
I'm sorry for going thru this situation. she clearly is a FA and is going back and forth between anxious and her avoidant (deactivating side) her fears are overtaking her feelings for you. Going no contact will be best for your healing. and if she does the work to heal her fears and past traumas it could work in the future but you cant hope that it happens or else you're gonna wait around for someone who may never change that. Thus hurting you more. my condolences @@nn_1988
FA here. One thing we beg of partners is to love us normal and slow. Any rushed moved or obsessive love and love bombing will push us away. Pace it slow, and do not divulge all your feelings immediately! We will stay long term and we are very loyal if we are loved gently, slowly and safely.
Avoidance is a spectrum like every other condition. Being able to be in a long term relationship and having your level of self awareness, just means you're lower on the spectrum. For others, relationships tend to be short lived and severely sabotaged.
@seowweetang2253 I know with me, when I leave I do get an overwhelming feel of guilt even though at the time, I feel it was necessary to leave due to the high anxiety from a partner's behavior. It is always a conscious effort to not run away. I have to really be self-aware in order to not self-sabotage
Depends on the FA. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. My FA could not deal with feelings at all. I am independent and like my space also. We lasted four years until he dumped me for another, but wanted to remain "friends". Nope!!
Going through this right now with a FA. I went no contact after what I see as disrepespect towards me. Lying about meeting other guys, name calling, the push and pull dynamic is torture. After a month she messaged me asking if i was still mad and if we could just go back to what we were before no contact. No apology and no accountability. I will always hold my hands up and apologise but 99% of the time I was respectful and honest. I decided to stand my ground with no contact after clearly describing why we are where we are. Even as friends if someone cant reflect or even open up on the downfall of the relationship then it will never improve. Once the trust is broken and hurtful things have been said I cant just switch back to the old dynamic like it never happened. Shame because i truly did care for her and want the best for her. But a one sided reationship where they feel they can do whatever they want when they pull away is super toxic.
I honestly think FA should not date until they do the work internally, this is from a secure attachment person. I'm exhausted with a FA and think that I need to reconsider the connection. Everyone deserves love yes but only those who can offer a healthy connection.
@@akaraulov what is it that makes you think I care what you think 🤔? I'm not confused over who and what I am, but I bet you are if you're an avoidant. See avoidants love to run up on comments and justify their behaviour, especially on this channel which teaches people how to enable them and "keep" them. The reality is no secure person would want to keep an avoidant especially FA based on my original comment what I've said show me the lie?? Avoidants should not date because they simply can't. They exhaust people and we lose interest in them they become unattractive due to their behaviour,take that comment however you want.
As an FA who craves craves craves love soooooo much right now, i 100% with you. While i so badly want to be in a relationship now and feel loved, i also understand of my wounds and the hurt that i might potentially bring to the other person especially if that other person has insecure attachment as well. I want to work on myself but the honest truth -and believe me i try so hard to help myself, the honest truth is that i just don't know where to start. Therapy is very pricey and time consuming too and i don't want to open Pandora's box which is what i think would happen if i go to therapy. Also because i don't know which therapy, online, in person, what? I just have so much trust issues that even with the "potential" counselor i already have trust issues. 😅 I'm not saying that i am a bad person, maybe just not healed enough to maintain a healthy relationship with an insecure attached person. It might work with a secure person. 'MIGHT' not a guarantee. But i believe all i need is trust, respect, safety, reassurance and love. That's it. If a person makes me feel safe and loved there's soo soo much love that i can offer. They just need to loveeeeee me right.
My FA wife of 8 years discarded me 3 weeks ago. Moved to another state. Im dying. Unfortunately I did the begging and pleading. I didn't know about this stuff. I wish I did so I knew how to love her properly.
This is me. I don't like admitting that. It's pretty shite, but I'm actively learning and in the pursuit of moving toward a secure attachment style. Thank you for explaining everything so well and for the helpful tips.
My best friend hurt me badly, betrayed me and said lots of monstrous things over a long period of time. Tried to be nice, but I was so traumatised and damaged I could not reconnect. 3 months today. I am way to wary to return now. 23 years of close friendship down the drain. We were so close, talked daily. I will be avoiding avoidants going forth.
That's painful. Did you find out why she did that, whether she had some conception, idea behind it? Did she maybe not really know you and thought she'd bring you up, if you had any difficult behaviour, or whether she was mostly triggered in her own unresolved things, by your behavour? Unaware people can think they know us and act from their ego, believing to know what they are doing. I was abused several years by someone I have known for 30 yeras. But only I have paid deeper interest in her, asked to get to know deeper, - she has never asked me about me, but done like ppl mostly do: lazily just met and sloppily deciphered (wrongly) what I am like. Knowing I have trauma and diseas, but not the extent of suffering abuse from professionals, and not coping, not getting treatment but abuse, and not knowing of my severe Liver dysfunction and stagnation,- which gives symptoms of lack of energy, feeling unwell, irritability, anger, dissatisfaction, insomnia. After decades, in abusive healthcare and overstraining in studying to find the diagnosis and self-help, I also have Aspergers and HSP, C PTSD. She "decided" that I was just doing tiring behaviours on purpose and could control myself if I only wanted to, which I can't in too much triggering/distress, She wasnasty, cruel, screamed ugly, untrue and unfair things, being hard when I was/am so alonely,and weak and could hardly get myself to church, and she destroyed church for me, which has been a little fine retreat from hell.And she is Capricorn with Sagittarius rising, and doesn't apologize or see her own mistakes. It is sad because we have a lot in common, apart from her unscientific, subpar thinking ability and intelligence. She has a fine spirituality otherwise, and a supeficially very nice social skill and feminine caring , and wholesome lifestyle. She being christian has also made it extra scary and unsafe-feeling. But She is far from the only one, so it is in my fate and sth I have to work through in my healing, whether alone or with that therapist I've beens eeking for decades... Don't give up healing.work, take care of you.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am an FA myself, and I've just gone through a nasty issue with my best friend of 20+ years. I've been busting my butt trying to work through my childhood trauma, and it's been really difficult, as one would imagine. I have such a low threshold for toxic behavior now, and then my friend decided to go off on me over something that I didn't do. Then she blamed me for things she did, and when I was honest about the situation and APOLOGIZED, she went off again. She's ghosted me for the last week. Instead of saying "hey, I'm still angry, so I'm going to take some time away" which would have been fine, she chose the silent treatment and passive aggression. The worst part was that she told a mutual friend that she wasn't talking to me, but she didn't bother to tell me herself. My mother pulled that crap growing up and still does, so my friend's behavior was very much crossing a boundary. A boundary she knew was one not to cross. This isn't the first time that my friend's lashed out, but I would make excuses for the stressful things going on in her life -- as though my life wasn't stressful either but I wasn't taking it out on anyone. It hit me that I was doing the codependent stuff again. I'm trying so hard not to be codependent and let people make their own awful choices. Today I left our group chat and blocked her from my chat messenger. My anxiety is through the roof because I don't want to do that to my friend. But I cannot and will not pretend everything is okay. It's not okay, and ignoring her bad, toxic behavior is not allowing me to be authentic to myself. My friend and I both need a lot of help for our traumas, but I'm the only one actually going to therapy and doing a lot of self help work. I can't tolerate this crap anymore, and I'm worried that my FA patterns are coming out. I'm trying to be healthy, not avoidant. I'm disengaging because she isn't good for me when I'm trying to heal and she only cares about hating herself and being miserable and self destructive. I don't think this is FA to want to get toxicity out of my life. But I'm done making excuses and being a punching bag for someone who is irrational, insecure, and won't get her own life in order. I can't fix her; only she can fix herself. Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story. I relate very much. Internet hugs to you.
I think my ex is more DA than FA. Our arguments were causing him anxiety and to almost get a panic attack and he shut down completely. Very cold like we were strangers. Talked like a robot during the break up and didn’t include emotions. When he was ending the relationship I was crying a little and he seemed annoyed. Imagine that!
I had a similar thing with my ex. After we decided to break up, she randomly decided that she needed to go shopping. No goodbye or anything. It was so strange. I've noticed the shutting down thing that Thais mentions, but no sign of entering the "anxious" side yet.
same here, every augments happened, he just shut down and silent, which triggered my anxiousness even more. Can never have an emotional conversation with him, he just like a robot. He has done things wrong and I gave him many chances, nothing changes. He has never validate any feeling I have, any emotional thing was through text, even with the breakup. He blindsided me through text. Dating a FA is the worst experience that I have ever had.
I'm an FA and most of this fits me, though if someone has really hurt me or betrayed me I will just walk away entirely. I'm trying to work on it, so that I'm not so black and white about it but it's hard to heal
@@Welegq occasionally. But mostly no. There are a few people that I still saw around because of circumstances and I would be cordial and nice, but no affection, no details about my life, and no open heart. Like I said, I'm trying to learn not to cut people off completely but it's hard because it feels like I'm not safe to open up
@@mgn1621 Yeah, I usually hang in there and discuss things (because I know what it's like not to know what you've done wrong) but if they don't really respond or care about it then I will fully walk away. Like I said I'm trying to be less black and white but I've been hurt so many times and that gets triggered over and over again
Fr i cant do this anymore. Im done. Thats so sick. To all FA's for your own well being: GET THERAPY. You are hurting yourself and people around you. Imagine reject someone and then feel rejected... HELL NAH I understand that they have their problems, but they knew it in the relationship so good luck finding the puzzle peace and feel completed by distracting yourself. I loved her more than she can even imagine and moved heaven and hell to help her and show her a way. But she didnt wanted to fight anymore and thinked she could do better. I wish her the best but i just cant do it anymore and the day she gets the rebound or is dating someone new im completely out and i think she is doing it already to distract herself. Shes stalking my social media and is following pages that i follow and at the same time she follows those guys she told me not to worry about during the relationship. Im like: 🤡 Not everyone deserves your love fellas! They can deserve it but they have to work on themself. And if they dont want to do it and just manipulate you with words to stay but dont take actions then say good bye politely, wish them the best and do yourself a favour and MOVE THE HELL ON!!!!
Man I had the same experience 1 year of relationship 3 breaks up out of nowhere and last one she blocked me on everything I did everything to her everything to the point she said that no one ever treated and loved her that way before like I did two weeks after the break-up she is already dating someone new it’s been two months and I’m struggling everyday to get her out of my head man I went to therapy and I read books and watch videos to understand but still I can’t get her out of my mind
@@Khalil.battat bro its 6 weeks now and im on a way to not want her anymore. The disrespect gave me the closure i needed. I just can tell you that no matter what happened and is going to happen you are going to be okay like i do. Focus on yourself. Write journal. Go to the gym. Read. Meditate and outgrow her but fpr yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve for what you given. You invested so much time in a person who just dont respect that or she cant because shes not mature enough. Doesnt matter. Those people are toxic for us and we have to let them go and let them figure things out themself. That is the biggest act of love we could ever do. Its a process we go through but we will come out hella strong and we'll be going to be able to handle situations like that more powerful in the future. Just sad that this one girl had to be a lesson for us when we thought they would be a blessing. But that was only our illusion of the potential they had. Im dating someone new right now but taking it slow. Letting go and move on is the most painful but freeing thing i ever had. Take your time and dont suppress your feelings but work on them. What is meant for you will find the way to you. Keep that in mind!
@@TrainTowelie this is what I’m doing right now working on my self , hitting the gym and meditating, as you said it was a painful lesson and we fall for their potential not for them
My FA was a cold fish, even though he said he was falling in love with me!!! He was reluctant to give a kiss, nor even a hug, or holding hands!!! I AM COMPLETELY DONE with this type of person -- what they do is flat-out CRUEL and heartless. I absolutely adored this man, he was the love of my life. But I will never, ever again allow myself to be treated like that! It's soul-crushing! DON'T INFLICT PAIN UPON OTHERS, GET THERAPY if you are that type!
This is the first one that's hit me in a while. I'm FA and I'm just like this: romantic, and friendship even, often feel so exhausting to know how to navigate. It's challenging not having one specific main strategy 😔
Navigating relationships isn't that hard. Just communicate honestly. 90 percent of the problems are things you made up in your head. And when you do mess up, most people forgive and forget pretty quickly as long as you say you are sorry and seem genuine. Please seek therapy and put in the work for a long time (at least a year) before you get back in the dating pool. People who are avoidant cause so much trauma and pain, and it just passes from one person to many like a stone being thrown into a lake.
This relates well, but the third stage for me is a little different. Basically I acknowledge the pain and start to find good things from this past experience. Whatever I find from this experience belongs to me and at this point I am actually not connected to this person anymore. No matter how painful it is I will never go back to the old mess anymore.
As a FA man I must admit: I’ve found relationships with DA girls the most healing. Hear me right, this relationships are NOT stable, or fulfilling, or supporting, or even joyful. But that dynamics, when you constantly re-evaluate your worth, watch your mouth, trying to re-parent (in a caring, not controlling way) them and suddenly realize you are actually re-parenting yourself at the same time… Well, this is something. I can’t yet call myself a secure man, but the work I did in those relationships (two of them in three years, tho I tried to keep the first one from crumbling) made me realize all the shadow sides of my personality and find love for myself, get it out of nowhere🎉
If i get avoidant by someone who were my significant other for a long time, who i considered a family, after a breakup, after we cooled down, no matter if it because him being hurt, or if hes dating someone else, or he just dont feel to need to keep in touch, i will take it very badly. I will take it as a proof that romantic relationships are one big bs all together
Seen 😂 - except it took 9 months, which is my normal cycle. 10 years of this cycle for me, where I get too overwhelmed with my feelings and my need to control pushes the DA away... but we keep coming back together ❤
Been going back and forth with a FA for quite awhile now. Lots of baggage from past relationships. Very hot and cold depending on what is going on in her life at the moment. Sharp double standards in our relationship. She copes by setting unobtainable goals and expectations with us and justifies "cold" periods with criticism of past actions and events in our relationship.
Update.. our relationship is no more. Lots of promises and commitments we're not honored. I am actively working on myself and my boundaries. I won't allow myself to be hurt again in this way.
Here’s my problem with an FA and actually multiple past FA experiences. I’m also myself a lower grade FA but mainly stable and also the anxiety vs avoidant for me is completely person specific and sometimes the avoidance doesn’t come until I’m with a partner for over 8 months. Anyways, my issue is that most FAs now seem to be borderline love bombing me in the beginning and because I don’t want to make them feel I’m rejecting them, I allow them in and then recriprocate this level of intimacy. Because I’m challenging myself if actually into someone (which is very rare so I go into people pleasing when I actually feel it) It goes fine for a bit and then they rapidly cut things off saying it’s too much and too intense but THEY initiated it all and I was more reflecting them. They then say things like maybe later on but they can’t now because it went too fast. Too fast meaning we hung out 3-4 times no intimacy, knew them in the community for a year and then we had one night of kissing and me staying over unintentionally and then him making many many other invites and advances and then abruptly cutting it off telling me he wanted to change the pace of this before he or I both got hurt. What the heck can I do here? It’s making me want to completely withdraw and not return now.
The Goldilocks approach is so accurate: if you don’t respond when they reach out, the DA feels rejected (ironic) and goes more avoidant. If you go too fast / too soon, they get scared and move back to avoidant. This makes NC very challenging i.e. how to strike the delicate balance between radio silence vs displaying any positivity, emotion, or hope.
Honestly, I think you just have to play it cool when/if they reach out. Respond quickly but not with too much enthusiasm. The way you might greet a casual friend you haven't seen in a couple years. Don't talk about the breakup until you've had a lot of small talk which seems to be calming for them. Honestly, I wouldn't even bring up anything about the relationship until they do or until they start hinting at meeting up, maybe talk about it once you are face to face. But my avoidant (if that's what he is, I'm not 100 percent sure) has still not even contacted me and in fact actually unfriended me on Steam today, almost 2 1/2 months after the breakup, so I'm just more confused than ever and thinking I probably won't get a chance to reconnect, as friends or otherwise.
@@MadisonEstes for sure! I’ve been taking it slow since Feb after going too fast last year. Trying not to scare her off again, but meanwhile not sure where we actually stand. As you said, small talk works, however at some point we gotta define what we are (i.e. I’m not going to be just “friends”). Long distance complicates it further. Will see what happens when/if we actually reunite.
@@MadisonEstes yeah it didn’t work. Spent sooo much time texting and talking about getting together this summer and it didn’t happen. She says things like she would go anywhere in the world to see me, but something always gets in the way. It’s like she is too afraid of her own emotions to actually follow through. I finally left her on read when she started doing the slow fade thing. Good luck to you.
Thank you so much for all your great work and information. I have to admit I gave up on expecting reciprocal interactions with many family members years ago. The unsolicited expertise from A-Z and back to A again, littered with answers for questions no one will ever ask is exhausting. I used to enquire if any of the dysregulation, anxiety, or nonpurposeful busyness could be channeled for exploring or navigating some self awareness. This only added fuel to the fire. All validation seeking all the time... no bueno!
Great video! I actually went through this recently with a fearful avoidant friend. Ended up somewhat rekindling the relationship but there is a lot more space and distance between us.
Do we do the numbness thing? I mean I knew I did but I hadn't realized it was an FA thing. Then I started crying and couldn't stop, then I started wanting to learn how to heal.
@@AliValentine143 I guess FA’s do that. For example, my FA ex get almost completely shut down in social media after 5-6 months of NC, stop sending indirect messages, if she appears in social media she posts kind of melancholic phrases, I’m not sure but I guess she drives a lot, watch movies, get away from her phone. So I wanted to know if she is doing all of this for a specific reason and what can I expect. And like the original question what other things/activities they do during NC. What are they feeling that aren’t allowed to contact us yet? (Because they made the breakup)
@StartingOverSingleAgain I think we do. At least I do. I'll go off social media if I'm moody and I don't want people asking about me because I don't want to think about the feelings or have to explain. Sometimes their is guilt or shame associated with it. I try to forget things or have bad brain fog. I've always said "sometimes I remember things I don't want to" and doing a deep dive in the attachment theories has kind of explained why why I'd say that. I detach from situation or people. Until I need them (if I do, I try not to and to be independent because of my avoidance, but if I must then I must) . There's a numbness to it. I'll give it a good cry and let it out and then I move on. Until a song or thought provokes it, and process repeats. And then I have to stop feeling like that. It's chaotic and I want it to stop. But yes. There are parts of numbness
Anxious men only desire communication and reassurance. That's basically it If she can't give you that and you don't have kids or are married, time to leave
I stopped speaking with my family. Then the other day i sent four of my Aunts flowers. I'm def in Hermit mode. Totally grieving or maybe I haven't even started.
I suppose if the break up was really bad, it extends significantly the timeline for those things to happen ? In my case, i think my EX is a strong FA, we were in this on and off relationship for 10 years, this is the 4th time we broke up. Very strong emotions, but also at times very dramatic, lots of fights and anger. She left extremely angry but actually never said it was over. And i kept asking for closure, she never really replied This time, it is now 7 months we broke up, she blocked me everywhere about 2 months ago as i was keep reaching out. I wish i knew this channel earlier, i had no idea at all about attachement style and feel like i pushed her so far away... Thanks for all the explanations anyway, so useful !
What happens when FA goes from anxious back to avoidant/deactivated side after a breakup? Does the cycle just start again, another 3-6 weeks for their fears to dissipate? How much time? FA ex apologized for not being quite ready to open communication yet but will let me know when he's ready. It's been a little over a week. Should I check-in at some point, and when, or just wait for him to reach out since he told me he'll lmk when he's ready? Another scenario: What if FA doesn't go into their anxious side after a breakup, or does that always happen?
I noticed i become avoidant after my breakup this year becuz i dont want to be around anybodyyyyyy. I wanted to and still be alone to process it and to keep my peace
As a 'healing' self diagnosed FA, i move very consistently and dependably in an attempt to manage and build trust. But inevitably the partner does something to betray me. I'm decisively gone after that.
This is the big issue, is that the person might not even be aware that they did something to break your trust, you should always try to speak with them first and tell them what they did, and how it made you feel, this is what adults do, communicate to avoid misunderstandings.
@@BFVsnypEz most boundaries are demonstrated, not 'communicated.' The communication from her when she dates other guys is that the relationship is not important.
S I just can't use all of my energy to engage with my ex-FA when he won't make changes and grew cold as ice. Something I never saw before or expected! I was torn into pieces and tried to fix it ALONE! It only hurt more!
I’m a FA and it’s been devastating to discover that I hurt the men I love when my thoughts mess with me. It’s patterns from a dysfunctional childhood and it sucks to feel this way. It sucks to hurt and lose the men I love the most bc my brain freaks out when I get too close.
My ex FA continued talking to me after I asked her to reconsider her decision to breakup. Then almost 3 weeks later, while continuing to talk over text (and one time agreeing to go to a concert together, which was very awkward as she didnt feel comfortable me touching her but also came over to talk the next day), she dropped the bomb out of the blue. Now its been about a week that she told me to stay away and not contact as the relationship as ended and she doesnt feel anything/numb. She had earlier mentioned she had feelings so it was hard for her to break up and I tried talking to her how we've had an exceptional alignment of our long term relationship goals, our communication (we both felt we could talk to each other about anything), and our interests etc. We had a really great time for about 3-4 weeks before the breakup. What should I do? I really want to have a constructive conversation with her to help rebuild the relationship, perhaps from scratch. Please advise!
She said she will never be able to show me the version of herself that I saw early on when we started dating.. Is that true? Can that change as she works through her cycle to anxious stage??
As an FA, I put a lot into my relationships. However, when I feel negative energy, I retreat to sort it out and ask "Why is this causing me to react this way? " It is a battle between head and gut. Whether it is right or not will have to be seen.
Research numbing out. They can't handle deeply rooted feeli gs so they go numb. You deserve better and their issue has zero to do with you! Believe you deserve better!
FA + FA 😅 he is completely unhealed and so insicure and full of other problems at home (he has just started therapy 🎉), he got triggered, lots of anxiety and left and leaned into his avoidance side. I, on the other hand, much more healed, have leaned much more into the anxious side right now (even though some days I go back into the avoidance side) and I'm trying to give him space and time to work on himself and come back. And work on myself too, 'cos there were things I didn't know where still there 😅
Are you sure you are leaning more into your anxious side because of therapy and not because he is acting avoidant. I'm sure if he was acting anxious you would feel compelled to act more avoidant. I only say this because I've found therapy to be as useful as tits on a frog.
@@heinzii7834 he was acting anxious at the beginning and I was super ok with it,happy to see each other a lot and so on. I act more on the strength of feelings, if I have strong feelings I am more invested, if they are not strong I'm more on the avoidant side, taking it more easly and not triggered or just a bit but not intensely. I tend to avoid relationships in general, I'm on my own all the time and my few close friends live so far away. I have discovered I have an FA attachment style only few months ago but I was already aware of my patterns and fears
Yep. And my wife is the same exact way. Good grief... She took the test and got dismissive avoidant, but everything I've been seeing about FA has been spot on for her. There are some things about DA that just miss completely with her. So I'm fairly certain she's an FA. I am for sure. Therapy has been clutch for me. But this video is eye-opening for different reasons... hmm...
Doesnt it extend to process if they jump into a rebound. You hardly go into that factor. Its been 6 months. And i know she has never loved anyone the way she loved me. And i had unwittingly created a secure base. And then destroyed it when i made 3 errors that wouldnt normally be a big deal but they were in this case. She said she needed space because she felt unsafe. It made no sense until i learned about FA trauma. But she jumped into a rebound to cover her hurt. And has been cold ever since. But i know the guy is a loser and it cannot last. And what we had was a once in a lifetime love. But im still terrified of her not reactivating. So my question is, doesn't a rebound relationship extend the waiting period?
Same here, i made one mistake "common sense" you don't play touch a face cheek and just pushed away and i let her be gave her space.. and strung me along.. til i did the im walking away from her life and to only contact me if shes interested in seeing me in a romantic sense..
I usually don't do this, but I'm going to let you in on some free game, partner... If you want this person back, you have to at least pretend to move on. Show her that you're still happy and thriving without her. People like this tend to be emotionally immature so they fall for all the typical dating game tricks. You know that she is just using this new guy to fill the void that you left, but there is no void to fill if you are putting your life on hold while waiting for her to come back. She's like a toddler and you're like a toy that she got bored. The worst thing that you can do right now is willingly sit on the sidelines waiting for her to regain interest. The only way to get her attention again is by letting her see that you don't need her to be happy. The question is, if my advice works, will you really be satisfied in a committed relationship knowing that her love for you is based on such a childishly egoic conception of perceived scarcity? Either way, the best thing that you can do right now is move on and accept that she may never come back.
I need help with the reconnecting phase / goldilocks zone. How often should I reach out to her during this phase? Or just let her do 100% of the texting, even if it means I won't hear from her for weeks?
He texted me a photo on Thanksgiving after breaking up with me Nov 7th. I responded short and sweet. He then texted me a random flyer photo on Dec 1st to an event across the county. I have no clue why he sent that so I didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from him since. Think I made him avoidant again?
No contact with a fearful avoidant would probably not affect them very much. Fearful avoidants don’t trust anyone. Perhaps work on helping them build trust again?
depends on who it is really. I agree that most no contact doesn't affect me at all. but that's more like family or friends I don't constantly hear from. I feel mostly safe with them and so don't really care when I hear from them. I have a problem with reaching out. most people would never hear from me again if they didn't make the first step. when it comes to romantic partners though, I found NC to be exhaustingly hard. I reached out after six weeks when I shouldn't have. but I get what you mean, we shut down deeply and might not care much.
My FA left me about a month ago, she immediately went to a different guy though, walking to work together, going out to eat, video calling, she's doing all that relationship type of stuff but not putting a label on it, is there a chance she'll reflect on it and realize that's just a rebound or she'll just move on and keep using this new guy?
My ex insisted to stay in touch through the 3 weeks she asked for space after a tentative breakup. Somedays she sent really nice msgs, some days very dry and cold. Then just cut the ties and told me it had ended.. not sure if there is a chance to get her back? Or if I reach out am I making it worse?
@@SyedZaidi-s6x Yeah idk, I can tell she's just bottling things up and trying to feel nothing for me but if I tell her that she gets defensive and says she's 100% sure she feels nothing, but that's impossible, we were friends for years before getting together, and when it ended it was cuz she lost feelings, not cuz I did something wrong, staying friends was her idea, idk what I should be doing
She can absolutely feel nothing. It's called numbing. It's unreal to think they just lose all feelings, but it's so true and real for them. Move on. Be with someone who embraces intimacy and real love and commitment
So, I'm the FA and I got ghosted. Does that fall under the premise of the video? It took me a bit to realise that's what was going on, and then I went no-contact myself for six weeks. But while that may look superficially like deactivating I was not detaching and I was not resorting to creature comforts. I was intensely in my feelings and my anxious side internally. Then I reached out with "let's talk" and got an actual "let's not". There was a bit of back and forth until it was clear they really wanted no contact so here we are. Does that count as "if the FA reaches out and gets rejected they'll go back into their avoidant side"? Still not deactivating, still very much in my feelings but not reaching out as it I feel it would be pointless to counter-productive. I think FAs get to be FAs by getting through a lot of pain from our attachment figures so we're able to go through the very painful process of staying in our feelings internally but pushing away externally. Which is what distinguishes us from DAs (who repress their feelings) or APs (who pull in). 🤷🏽♀️
@@carrievaleriaalvarez2198 I think these traits correlate to the dumpee - at least that's the way I understood it. There was no official breakup in your situation? Y'all just stopped talking until you reached out?
Wish i knew all this before loving an FA the only way i know how..wholeheartedly and maybe too much...and it triggered him, to walking away for now cos he said he needs to work on himself cos he can not live me the way I love him. So now after the video, should i attempt contact or should i wait for him to contact me...cos he pulled away and if i reach out he will pull away further😢 So complicated
My FA ex reached out to me after 2 days, we hooked up and the next day she shut down and will not talk to me. I know NOW of course i moved too fast, I know I should not have slept with her. Ruckie error Question: Will she reach back out to me if i continue no contact?
Mine reached out after 2 days as well but only to spend an hour spitting fire at me and I hadn't even done anything! I remained calm and responded only with love but she was SO fired up there was no talking or reasoning with her. And she was the one who called off the relationship! I was shocked and now I'm hurting, a lot! Needless to say we didn't hook up and I don't think we ever will be :( As for you question: Nobody can know the answer to that so better you just use NC to heal yourself and move on with your life. Then if she does reach out again you'll hopefully be in a stronger place and remember the mistakes you made this time. But you may also find yourself getting tired of someone who is not respecting you and start to cast your eyes further afield. Best Of Luck 🙏🕉
My ex broke up almost 10 Weeks ago. She’s either FA or full blown borderline. But I know FA has traits of borderline as far as attachments go. Anyway, I sent a letter to her at week 2. Didn’t hear a peep. It’s now been 10 weeks. I’m still blocked on all fronts. Anyone with thoughts on this?
Why would you want to be with someone who can't supply you with basic needs like responding to an email or letter. Even if it's just a simple "thank you". We don't want to let go because we don't want to deal with the pain of truly letting go and yet we're in pain being stuck.
Can this count for after breakup if it was alright we talked for awhile communication crappy and then was told to move on but still keeps me on snap is there still a possibility to reconcile
This is all assuming the other person was fine and not causing issues. What if it was toxic. And the person now being called fearful avoidant is just drained from dealing with all the arguments and put downs many people would just feel drained and done after dealing with that
i was feeling anxious when we broke up and asked for a final call. she said OK and called me a few days later and I didn't answer cause I didnt' know what to say. she texted me a cpl days after that and said she wanted to make sure i saw she called. I didnt answer that either cause I was anxious and basically shut down. That was 6 weeks ago and not a word from her since. Should I stay in NC or reach out? She is textbook FA. I'm feeling so much better since starting NC but hoping I didnt ruin chance by ignoring her
I would look into why both times you felt anxious and couldn’t respond. Fear of it being over or maybe it being volatile? Coming from an FA woman healing this stuff, I think if you feel better NC pay attention to that. It’s how I feel with DA’s and I lean more avoidant. You could always reach out if you really wanted to, but again if you feel better I would listen to your body. IMO.
I felt completely overwhelmed b/c we had been through so many fake break ups initiated by her, and it's like I went through all of that for it to end like this? The last time we spoke I could tell that she was actually done, and it just made me sad/anxious and I didn't want to speak to her again at that time, but I also didnt want to say "I'm just gonna move on" b/c I didn't want to close the door forever. So I just didn't reply. It was a mistake in hindsight but I was in a super emotional state so maybe it's good we didn't talk I would have just turned her off more.@@TMH792
I think if you want her back " she knows" you gotta let her reach out to you.. but do your best to get your mind off her i know easy said than done that's what im doing but try to reflect if there was other motives..
@@Mack4289Steven That’s really good insight on your part! Makes perfect sense. Did she study this stuff at all or want help? It’s crazy how the opposite attachment styles attract each other bc it’s familiar. I understand this bc I feel the same about DA’s. They can seem so hurtful, but it’s not on purpose. I think for all of us if people don’t figure out their attachment style and both do the work. It’ll never work or it’ll be someone or both walking on eggshells all the time. I’ve done this to someone in my past, but I didn’t know why. I know for myself if someone didn’t respond to me, I could be over it easily, on the flip side someone doesn’t respond my anxious side comes out. Depending on their style. It’s a nightmare. Healing our trauma, attachment wounds, all of it is the only way! Just don’t blame yourself!
Edited to say I'm FA having done decades of work. These comments and especially the comments on the FA's videos seem like a sounding board for people who have not done their own work with greiving or letting go of hurt. They have found validation to hold on to it and it's evident how deep their wounds are. We are each a whole person and have our own journeys. If your choice is not to stay, if you are being hurt then be proactive in your own journey seek out with intention the solutions. All of these attchments are not perfect. Why wish them the worse on your way out or after? Why put them in a box of punishment? Who are we to say what someone deserves in these scenarios? And aren't APs, DA's and FA's already paying a price for something they never asked for? As much as you feel traumatized and pain they do aswell. For all of these types of attachments that are here are doing the work. Give them credit for showing up! It takes a crap ton of courage to face what we've done or who we are and definitely how it has impacted our lives and loved ones. If your using these resources to prove how wronged you were and to wish punishment ask yourselves not what they need to do but what you need to do. Everyone has choices to make ... choosing what brings you peace and harmony is more important then shoulding on others. Don't waste your time on journeys that have nothing to do with you if you have left you are no longer involved with them. Whatever will be will be for them. It takes hard work for us loved ones make the effort to support them and even more effort for them to put in the work. If they don't do the work make your choices for you alone.
Hello, How come you did not help me regulate so that I could ask my question in all that talk on 18th November Qn'A, Thais?And why did you shut me out of the groups that meant very much to me and I got positive response from them, esp. Ben?IThat was not the best thing and not fair.It was very stressful in the Free riial for me, and I was jyust settling in. Please stop shutting me out or communicate with me about it. It was awfully stress that you decided to intefere in my worst neverending fatal nightmare without asking my permission, and without knowing me. How could you do that when I came to get some coaching help and my question answered, just like others? It was really humiliating to be let to be that weak7nervous/arousedw without getting your help. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, and please tell me why you acted that way instead of coaching me? HAd I known, I wouldn't have wanted to talk with you. I hadebeen making efforts to behave calm and contribute, and Ben gave positive response. That was not fake, was it? And why does Sylvia evade topics and go on about unrelated things, a bit tiring, weakening and annoying? I wonder why you haven't emailed me yet, I think you said you would. Please do! And Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
I took the free quiz and I have been watching your playlist on the fearful avoidant attachment style and I just wanted to say thank you so much! I feel so seen and I really appreciate your kind approach to understand and fixing behaviors🤍🤍
