Tips for Parenting with Adult ADHD 

Thank you so much for addressing ADHD in parenthood. Motherhood is like a mirror and a magnifying glass; it forces us to examine ourselves closely. My childhood ADHD resurfaced as an issue when I became a mother. All mothers struggle, but mothers with ADHD face unique challenges.

Thank you so much for acknowledging the importance of this dynamic. I feel like so much of the parenting literature and advice around ADHD kids assumes that parents are neurotypical and able to implement everything easily.

As a parent with ADHD you are a goldmine. My life worked quite alright until senior high school. I managed to get by by generally having an easy time learning things, but I later got kicked out of university. Four times. Managed to get a job (bassoon player in a symphony orchestra) and sort of managed by working a lot of 12 days and 2 days of an alternative weekend in a foetal position. That kind of management of course did not work when I met my wife and we got kids. I got recurring depressions which led me to finally getting my diagnosis. Now I am trying to get my life into shape by getting help with the structure and handling of everyday life. I think my largest problem right now is my bad conscience with regards to all the heavy lifting my wife is doing. I don't want to be an angry parent because I can't handle the situations parenting puts me in.

Our family has an ADHD parent and an ASD parent. In terms of emotional regulation and executive function, we both struggle

I have ADHD and have 7 children, oldest is 13. We definitely see ADHD (and possibly ODD in youngers) in 4 of the 7. Looking forward to listening to this and more. I was diagnosed as a kid in the 90’s but left it untreated until a couple months ago when I learned about time blindness. I sketched out a 10-year vision where I put the ages of my kids at the end of 10 Years. Really helped me grasp the importance of getting my act together to both help my children build the right skills and enjoy our time while we can. Thank you for “retiring” and providing such great information in your channel!

Thank you for this, Dr.B. 💙 I wonder if other ADHD parents felt an upswell of shame watching this. I certainly did. Not because Dr. Barkley was harsh or shaming but because yes, I know that I am an imperfect parent and it can be painful to be told (even in the most straight-forward and non-judgmental of ways) the myriad ways I might be failing my sweet, annoying, hyper, unique offspring. (Edited due to ADHD-related rambling)

Thank you for addressing this. So often I see such impossible advice for how to parent an ADHD child: all about adding routines and little checkpoints and sticker charts and point systems and basically making life SO much harder for the parent. I can't, I just can't. And sometimes I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, we do okay here. Some things that you suggest have been life savers for me. Taking turns putting the kids to bed, and my husband's in charge of making sure they brush their teeth regularly, and he does the bills. I am much more patient and playful with the kids than he is, though, and I have immense amounts of sympathy for my ADHD kid in his hatred of homework and know that it's not a matter of grinding it out but rather make it fun, or take a moment and send him to run around the house two times and then come back and write a bit more, etc. I don't get exasperated, or even if I do, it's not a shaming experience, because I completely sympathize. Like, "I know it's horrible! Look, your teacher just wants to know you understand, so how about you do these first three questions and then the last one and skip all those in the middle. Maybe she's okay with that." Or "hurry up, I'm so bored right now and I'm not leaving you until you've finished your homework, ahhh save me please do it quickly before your mother perishes of boredom!" Or, as he got older, silly threats. "Every time you say 'i don't know' before you even think about the question, I'm throwing a beanbag at your head!" And he fake-screams and laughs and tries again. I would suggest Janet Lansbury to parents of toddlers. Her way of parenting made all the difference for me. It just made so much sense and everything was easy. Also would recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Very good stuff in there. I have three kids and I do give them more freedom perhaps than is the case for many parents these days, but I'm fortunate that they are my hyperfocus. I always know what they're doing, when a fight is about to break out, what they're thinking, etc. It's exhausting but very interesting. I'm objectively a good enough mother, and at the same time I have gotten us into more risky situations than is ideal.😢 But then I got us out again. I am a SAHM, and aside from the house work and incessant need for cooking, I love it. I feel like my ADHD is an asset in that I can quickly switch from one task to another as needed, and actually it keeps me from getting bored. Also, it feels pretty meaningful to have kept these humans alive and helped them grow. That's important work right there! I have my suspicions that all three have ADHD, although only the oldest is diagnosed. We get along very well. No ODD at all. This is possible because I can stay home with them, and I don't think it would have been so "easy" if I'd had to work full-time. Even part-time was stressful and when allergies showed up in our family and most food had to be made from scratch, I couldn't cope with that plus work and I had to quit. I was getting way too snappy with the kids. I do hate cooking, and when you can't buy anything ready-made there's SO MUCH cooking.😢

👍 Single dad with full-time custody of 2 with ADHD, looking forward to this thanks.

Excellent point about medication. Now that my ADHD is medicated, I feel I have half a chance to engage in some kind of executive function training/occupational therapy. Without my meds I just wouldn't be compliant and would have become very frustrated and bored.

I remember sending an email saying I'd love to see a book on parenting kids with ADHD when you as a parent have it! So happy to see you're putting info out there to help ❤ Thank you ❤️

Thanks, Dr. Barkley, for this video. Unfortunately, there's no non-ADHD parent in our household to handle certain tasks or offload the stress of ADHD. Do you have specific tips for families where both parents have ADHD?

This video is about me, I'm gonna proudly set everything aside and watch it right now!! Thanks, professor, you're a gem!

I have severe ADHD, married at 36 after years together, first child at 37 totally planned and wanted. It's also a question of personality, if you have responsability as a value you try to live up to this value by any mean. It's not a moral judgement, but we ADHDs are different from one another, we are not "simply" our ADHD.

Respectfully, and I do actually mean that (arm chair comment, I’m not an expert), I think the advice to have the ADHD parent leave time sensitive task to the other parent might be a little strange the way it’s worded. I find time sensitive tasks are easier to be motivated to do. Anything that can be done “whenever” robs me of motivation to do it. Now, if you mean tasks that have delayed consequences, then I would agree, be you did say time sensitive tasks. I think time sensitive tasks that are close in their due date might be easier for ADHD individuals, not harder. Just my two cents. Thanks for these videos! Really glad you’re here.

Thank you for the video once again. For me, I don't have issues with monitoring my kids, in fact I pay way too much attention and my youngest (Who is probably the one with ADHD) demands a lot of it. Which leads to me reacting (aka distracting me) to everything she does and says. And that would get me annoyed a lot sometimes. Now I just go with her pretend play and that is a lot of fun for both of us.

I hate that I struggle so much to converse with my kids because I feel so irritable with there loads of words in my fuzzy brain. No one talks about this…it’s so overwhelming, I love my children and they deserve better than a mom that’s overwhelmed by them simply speaking to her. I hate myself 😞

I have it to and have no kids but I want kids and this type of information is very helpful

My ADHD curiosity brought me here. I have severe combination ADHD and cannot take medication so this is very interesting for the future. My spouse also has moderate adhd and doesnt take medication either

Since getting my late-diagnosis at age 46, my mum has realised she very likely has ADHD. She and her siblings were referred to a psychiatrist as kids but it was 1960s Belfast and ADHD wasn't really diagnosed back then. My mum didn't bring me up (long story, she left my dad and he absconded to the Middle East with me. I ran away to my mum in the UK at age 14)....You will not be in the least bit surprised about our life outcomes, Erratic, unstable, unconventional, binge drinking, smoking, bad choices, lots of running away etc etc The only thing that has prevented us from ending up on the streets is that we're smart and creative (in other words, the talents that have nothing to do with our ADHD). I think that's what the psychiatrist meant when she said I had 'high functioning' ADHD. I was confused because I think I'm very poor functioning. I never meet my full potential because of ADHD impairments.

I wish you focused more on single parents since you said many ADHD parents are single. What about tips that don't involve using another person to step in?

I wonder given the propensity to ADHD parents to engage in harsh punishment, if you have any thoughts on the usefulness of parenting styles which have a reduced reliance on punishment or even don't use it altogether? Such as Ross Greene's Collaborative Problem Solving, or the distinction between deliberate behaviour and stress behaviour as made by Mona Delahooke and Stuart Shanker? I feel these are highly useful in reducing reliance on punishment/reward in the first place.

❤ Thank you for always sharing info!

I don't think I thank God enough for how I'm not part of the teenage pregnancy ADHD statistics - I'm 33 and still waiting for marriage - its by His grace. I'm scared to have kids though - worried I would snap and hurt their feelings because of over stimulation. I stopped taking medication - went low carb and its reduced alot of my symptoms Thank you for the tips!

Very important information! We are encouraged to live like everyone else as positive thing on social media. But it is a disorder and it comes with challenges. Much needed information.

What is this non-ADHD parent you speak of? 😅

I am a newly separated, soon to be divorced parent. Co-parenting. Being single has made parenting easier all of a sudden. So there's now defined non-parenting time when all the housework and self-care gets done quick and efficiently. I have a deadline. Get as much done as possible on Day One of no-parenting. Self care on day two of no-parenting. Plus, more stuff checked off the to-do list. Then it's awesome parenting time for the next 3-4 days! I've found THE BEST way to self-regulate is mindfulness. And for me, once I become aware of a problem, an issue, something lacking or something I need to work on or step back from... it becomes mind over matter. I can better choose my next action from a self-aware state. Which makes me choose more wisely and focus more and be in the present. And I think that's why that psychedelics video you made is missing the mark a bit, I think. The mindfulness gained is The Power we needed to inevitably be able to self regulate. -and im too tired to continue to edit my adhd out of my answer. Sorry if there are redundancies and grammatical errors.

This was very helpful thank you

There was some great pointers, however…what are your suggestions for those that are single parents

Dude, this video made me angry. I am an amazing parent. ADHD and how I was mistreated as a child I suspected helped me to be a better parent. As someone who initially co-parented it went precisely as you described and it ended in a horror show, BUT once I became a single parent EVERYTHING became obvious and EASY. I forgot about my hobbies, I didn't need time away, and I never lost my temper with my child. I was hoping you had positive things to say about ADHD sufferers and parenting.

I broke down today crying because I scheduled my kids parent teacher conference, at a wrong time, I am a school bus driver, so I have to schedule according to after the schools times, and it changes a lot which makes it so hard for me, I get frustrated with my daughter, she has adhd, she’s loud and gets hyper and I get so overwhelmed, I have learned on my own some techniques that’s helped, but when it comes to school things and remembering even just small and important stuff I forget and I get judged so harshly from my husbands family and teachers. I’m terrified of going to the doctors and asking to be medicated, I don’t even know if I’m allowed to take adhd medication being a school bus driver.

Mr Barkley, can you give an example or illustrate what normal family looks like? This words "normal", I'm not sure what it exactly means. Thanks

Thanks for this lecture. Can you please describe the literature on the effectiveness of mindfulness/meditation for adults with adhd. Thanks

Could you do a video specifically on exercise for ADHD? I've seen it mentioned in this video and others, but I don't really know what the execution is. 30 minutes of daily cardio? Does resistance training help? Do I need daily sessions, or just a few longer ones during the week?

There is an assumption that there is another partner in the house. But for single parents, this is all compounded. All the issues are compounded, like they are for any single parent, but especially one with ADHD. While I was raising my now young adult child, I was undiagnosed. Videos like this are helping me to understand better what happened in those years, and work on forgiving myself for my failures. At some point start a dialogue with my adult child.

If all goes well, I'll become a dad this weekend 🤞🤞 thanks to Dr. Barkley I feel reasonably well prepared for anything that might come

Thank you for talking about this! I dont get how there is so little information out there on how to parent with adhd. Alot of people dont even find out they have adhd till they become parents because parenting consists of all the skills we are missing. So suddenly the issues you have with Being on time, filling out forms or having structure in your day become really important.

And, I suspect that the tips would make more sense if divided based upon gender. In the end, this seems very male-focused to me. My attention is always very much on my kid.

Any other ADHD parents who are also the family DD start to sweat a little during the driving part?

Any tips when both parents have ADHD? (My family's situation)

What? No, no - its NOT a good thing to have people with ADHD to do housework that isn't "time sensitive" - that means things that doesn't have a deadline. Then "we" properly won't even get stated. I NEED the deadlines! And.. really, not much is usually a catastrophy even if the bill is payed late 🙂 Talking from experience here.. But things without deadlines.. are just like "dead". They don't even engage me unless we are taking about fun things. The "ironing" would never get done. And really.. it doesnt have to usually - or get some other clothes 🙂🤔🤷‍♀️

I'd love to see if you have found adhd parents that don't have these but still are considered to have adhd. Would like to give you a situation that may challenge this.

Dr. Barkley, I desperately need help. I'm a single ADHD mom and my 12yo has downs syndrome and autism. He's none verbal and has not mastered toileting with constant constipation. My life is simply a black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel and I have researched and found nothing on adhd parenting autism. Can you help me?

My husband and I both have ADHD and our daughter does too. There is no one in our home without ADHD. All of these tips about having the non ADHD partner doing things... Yeah. Maybe our cat can help? She might be neurotypical.

Ahoy! National talk like a pirate day is also my birthday!

I'm a little surprised at how this describes ADHD parents. Like, really? You need to be reminded that you have children? I'm certain that my mom has ADHD, and although she had her share of "freak out and slap your child" moments, I think that was more to do with her upbringing, and she didn't ignore us. (I had a 90s childhood with a lot of freedom, but that was normal for that time) She apologized for the hitting and really tried to do better, and she was better controlled with my little sister. She told me that she was doing better than her parents, and she thought I'd do better than her. And I am. Not perfect. I have freaked out and smacked my kids, but less than a handful of times. I hope that they're going to do better than I did. Fortunately I saw how hard it is to have kids really close together, and spaced mine out by at least 2.5 years. And I really enjoyed them. We had a wonderful time most of the time. It wasn't often too overwhelming except when there was a newborn and the older one was being aggressive. That passes within a few weeks, though, and my theory has always been that if you have a child who's acting up, increase that child's responsibility. Now the 5 year old is in charge of putting the cordless phone on the charger and opening doors for the stroller, and the 2 year old is in charge of getting the diapers for the baby and carrying my purse, and I am verbally appreciative of all these helpers, how lucky for me that they're in my family. 😍 And they respond beautifully, they want to help even more, and that delights me, and it's a very good cycle to get into. Overlook the little fails (only address if it's turning into a pattern) and notice the good. If every time your child comes into the room you respond with pleasure to see the child, you will have a loving relationship. I made a rule for myself that I'd have no screen time for myself while the children were awake. I allowed myself to read physical books, but not my phone. I think it was a good choice. Now that the youngest is 8 I'm not strict about that anymore, but it was good in the early years. And this was without meds. I didn't realize I had ADHD until my oldest was diagnosed at age 7 because of recommendations from the school. To me he seemed normal, just not beaten down by life yet. I figured he'd get his spirit broken, and learn about shame and how to second guess himself all the time, and I knew this had to happen so he could function in society, but I had been too soft to do it myself. 😢 Now I realize that it was ADHD, and shouldering immense shame and anxiety is not actually the normal process of growing up. I'm so glad that he doesn't have that. (Yet. He's only 13, so I guess we'll see. But I had it by 10) Meds were like glasses for my brain. It's amazing how nice it is to see clearly!!!

What can you do if both parents have adhd?

As a professional seafarer, I find the cutesy portrayal of violent crime targeted at my line of work distasteful. When is "talk like someone holding the clinic at gunpoint day"?

Great video! I would appreciate if you could answer a concern I have about taking medication - is increase in dopamine transporters after long-term stimulant use temporary or permanent (if you would stop taking it)? Should I be concerned about it?

We’re in Fresno Ca and struggling to find an ADHD coach for a parent and our child. Any recommendations on where we find a coach? Are there online/zoom adhd coaches?

Just curious; does having comorbid ASD reduce the chances of someone with ADHD developing ODD?

What is your opinion on adderall specifically to other medication? Is it just as safe? Do you have alternatives to medication if a parent cant find one that works?

😕☹️😞 I’m not going to remember any of this in the next 15 minutes.

You forget who your audience is here. "Tips for parents" and then you go on describing "them" - not us - but "them" and bring in things "are not often young parents" - perhaps "they" are - but I'm not. And it doesn't seem like a tip for parenting? And I don't need to know "who they are" - Im looking at this for tips, not to get a description "if me" that really isn't me anyway. 🙂

ADHDの治療法としてのニューロフィードバックの有効性を教えてください❤

Look, I have a lot of respect for you and what you've done for those of us suffering from this unique and very common mental disorder, and I usually love your videos... but this one was extremely disappointing and pretty much completely useless for me. I came here for tips on how to be a good parent (you know, like the title of the video says), not a list of all the ways I'm likely to be bad at it and ways to dodge the responsibilities. Nearly the entire first half of this video (your first slide) is focused on all the ways ADHD adults are more likely to be bad parents, and then most of the rest of the video can be summed up as: "Tips for parenting with Adult ADHD: Let the non-adhd parent handle all the stuff that adhd makes difficult." First off, that's not advice on how to parent with ADHD, that's advice on how to AVOID parenting with ADHD. Second, what am I supposed to do when _both_ of us have ADHD, huh? I am hyperactive type and my wife is inattention type, both of us severely enough that medication does not even come close to normalizing us, even after extensive experimentation with different medications and the highest dose of the least ineffective of the ones we tried. And don't you dare tell me maybe we just shouldn't have children because A: accidents happen and B: it's already happening whether I want it to or not.

Is it ethical to have children when they are at high risk of developing ADHD?