Tips for Understanding a Partner with ADHD 

What is most bothersome to me is the spouses complete lack of empathy for the great amount of stress, frustration, and depression they cause on the non-adhd spouse. Like why are you so grumpy? Because I’m exhausted! Well that’s your problem.

As a woman with ADHD, reading these comments about spouses at their wits end with their partners breaks my heart. I have so much love to give my partner, but I know how much he hates my forgetfulness and my impulsive ways. I even hate myself most of the time.

Support for partners and family members of adult ADHDers feels super lacking, thank you for this video.

I really needed this. I walked away twice from my marriage because I didn’t understand and I couldn’t deal with it. We are still together today and continue to work on understanding one another. Thank you for the efforts that you may to help others.

My wife of 37 years, says its been like having a 3rd child, that has never gotten out of puberty. She is a Mental Health Nurse, bless her heart ❤

Videos like this recently have finally made me understand my partner of 7 years. I have some guilt as some of her habits have been frustrating and I never understood how deep it goes. We’ve had many arguments about her habits not changing. Now I feel kind of like a jerk. Had I knows years ago I would have come at it from a more understanding angle and wouldnt have seen it as not caring or lying. I truly feel terrible that I didn’t understand how much it can really effect a person. I sat down with her recently after she showed me some of these and promised her I’d start taking a different approach when she does certain things and she promised she’d work on trying to notice when she’s doing those things. But know I know not to get irritated. She also has a habit of not being able to express herself properly, but she finally opened up to me about a lot more and a lot of things started to make sense. So now our main focus is on proper communication. That way I can understand what’s going on with her at whatever time and work with her in a more productive manner. I made a promise to not argue about it anymore and to not see it as her simply not caring, being lazy, etc. I really just never knew what was actually going on with her to the fullest extent. If you’re dating someone with ADHD, be patient with them if you really love them. I wish I could go back and do it all differently. I must have made her feel so bad at times because there was no proper communication to know the true root of the issues. Do research into the topic, it’s quite eye opening to say the least. I feel like I now know her better than I have the entire time we’ve been together.

OMG I always knew something wrong was happening with my husband. He was diagnosed just months ago. But this is the most challenging subject in my marriage for sure. Sometimes I feel I have sooo much resentment and other moments I feel I have to come down and understand. It's soooo challenging.

As a person with ADHD I do think it's important to remember that ADHD is on a spectrum and not everyone has the same struggles or interactions with their partners. It can also happen that the overhelping and caretaking of a nonadhd partner is a problem. Just saying (not black and white)

Realized this subject should be taught to all teachers. As a prof I realize I could have helped so many students who struggle with issues like all along and find it so difficult to carry on with their academics. please do one for teachers, some one somewhere will benefit

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this video. It feels like many people in relationships are not at a stage where couples therapy feels natural, and even if they did, it feels daunting to find a couple's therapist who understands the impacts ADHD can have on a relationship. I cannot recommend Dr. Tschudi's brilliant and helpful advice from this video enough - it's a must-watch.

Just met a lovely lady with ADHD and I am doing some research. This is the BEST help that I have found so far. Thanks so much!

I’m dealing with this with my boyfriend, we have been together for 3 years. But it does get frustrating at times. Our main issue is he loses focus when trying to multitask or keep appointments of being on time. The other main issue I have is he sometimes gets upset when I cut him off in main conversations when he keeps going and going on a topic. I really appreciate this video. It helps me understand that I’m not alone in going thru this.

Very validating. Thank you. A 40+ marriage and two children that ALL suffer from ADHD has exhausted me. I have tried EVERYTHING with little success. I’m now now working on withdrawing from these relationships and focus more on self. No one cares for me more than I.

In all honesty, I cannot bring myself to have the patience and empathy it takes to deal with this in my marriage no matter how much I understand it still doesn't feel good to have to deal with these shortcomings in a relationship.

I’m revisiting this video for the 3rd time in one week. I have recently learned of my partners ADHD. We had patterns of unhealthy behaviors. Both of us incapable to resolve or communicate simple differences. My self reflection has been very therapeutic since beginning to learn about ADHD. Thank you so much!

My ADHD husband will not admit to the realization that he could have ADHD. I am at the point to see him as a companion in the home who can only do physical work when asked. He has his man cave, and his comfort is TV, sodas and potato chips. He forgets a lot; He cannot lead a home and project and plan for the families economic future, but only plans for the annual vacation since he was a child; His communication is non-existent; quick tempered, stubborn, ignorant and don't want to learn. I can say more, but my expectations for our relationship is down to zero.

I appreciate the comments from those with ADHD. Helps me see your side a little better and have more compassion on my spouse. Thank you

Our relationship to a T. I am a professional organizer and have been with a ADHD /hoarder for 8 years. He is such a darling, we both are but it's hard! I laughed about driving separately, yes almost always! And separate bedrooms, works dang good!

Thank you for saying what I needed to hear and articulating things I didn't have the words for. I entered into a fairytale like marriage ten years ago (impulsivity is so romantic) and have been in denial about many of the challenges of having a spouse with ADHD. Its comforting to hear what I'm doing right and also see areas for improvement.

WE have been married 42 years. This is a lightbulb moment! He has undiagnosed ADHD. He is 75 and all the traits of ADHD seem to be intensifying with age. Could that be possible?Your talk has shed light on the most serious issues in our relationship. I have been so frustrated and anxious; beating myself up for not being patient. I have been overcompensating for my husband's perceived laziness, forgetfulness, addiction to chaos and clutter and inability to follow through on any projects.I am taking care of everything. I am exhausted but so grateful for your very practical advice.

I have always struggled with so many of the things mentioned in this talk, but the one that I really have a difficult time with is being distracted over the most insignificant things. I will take the trash out, and on my way to the trash I'll notice that the plants need to be watered, then I might check the pool chlorine, then start pulling some weeds, all while the trash bag never got replaced and I left the hose running on the plants. It is RIDICULOUS, and I know that, but I have no clue how to stop! It's been like this my entire adult life, and it affects my relationship in so many ways, especially when I tell my husband I will do something, and then I will either not do it, or only do it half-way. I don't have commitment issues, as once I commit to something I DO it, but for some reason I don't know how to prioritize sometimes and it really causes issues. I also interrupt SO often trying to finish what he is about to say and I recognize that I do it, and apologize, but then continue to do it throughout the conversation. It drives both of us crazy. The only way I have found any type of remedy to my forgetfulness is writing lists the second I realize I need to do something, and crossing off items from the list as I get them done. This is especially helpful when I have school work, appts for the dogs, work stuff, kid stuff, etc.. it can get so overwhelming sometimes that I end up just doing none of it and then breaking down because I did nothing all day when I had so much to do. I have been considering going to a provider about this, but my biggest concern is that since I present myself so well, I have pretty good success in life and school and what not, that I won't be able to describe to the provider how much this impacts my life well enough for them to consider treating me in one way or another for ADD/ADHD. I have been living with this so long, it feels hopeless to try to make it to the doctor's office in an attempt to get help, so I just don't go and suffer through the struggle.

This is very accurate. I’ve got adhd and my husband and I have the exact issues you describe. And I always say to him it’s not what you are saying it’s how you say it. All his points are valid, and I would feel like he does if the situation was reversed but he does the whole parent thing and as a result I act with defiance and defensiveness

This video was amazing! I've been with my partner for 4 years and we moves in together 2 years ago. I did have a general idea of what ADHD means and how people who have it function but I didn't really know, how I should react to it or how I could help my partner. His main "problems" are doing chores and overall procrastination but also talking about important (but boring) things like finances, insurance, health, etc. Especially the question round at the end brought up a lot of good info and tips that I'll implement in the future.

My partner loves his Attention Defecicit Disorder. Like of chaos for me. No details get done, big messes everywhere.

I have to come back to videos like this every so often to get a reality dose

This is an excellent video for anyone to get a better understanding of ADHD… Living with an Adder, is like living with a child in an adults body, it’s not surprising difficulties occur. Getting the Adder to understand and admit to having ADHD, is so important in initiating the start to the massive learning curve for both partners…Adders have so much to offer, and can be amazing and fun to be around..

Thank you. Very informative/helpful! My partner expressed this week how he wants me to research more on ADHD & I came across this video. I said there’s a lot of info about diagnosing ADHD with someone going through it but not on how to be the spouse of someone who has ADHD. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone & seeing his point of view- trying different tactics/ways to improve. I think what was resonated with me is it’s not asking for permission but being thoughtful & showing empathy in asking- how to change my approaches/thoughts with my ADHD spouse if that makes sense.

I have not heard of a talk to the ADHD person, what they can do to make the marriage better. We seem to not be able to resolve the same problems. We only hear what the non ADHD partner should do. I am so over it. Sorry... but that's how I feel. I have tried over the years to help him organize, cues to remember, alarms, and on and on. To put the changes needed all on the non ADHD partner isn't fair and is very exhausting.

Thanks a lot i needed this. And i have crossed the roadblocks realised it late I will change from now on I really want her to be happy, it makes me sad when she isn’t and i try to cheer her up and when i wont be able to cheer her up i start get feeling bad i would feel like im not worthy for her After watching the video it really helped me thanks a lot❤

I have ADHD. I absolutely Hate when my husband repeats himself like you recommend. He entirely disregaurds my feelings, questions, and comments. This is extremely disrespectful.

Grateful from the bottom of my heart. Feeling, that now I finally got support and advise I was so missing. Thank you 🙏

combining personal experiences with education is extremely useful.just a chance dive into this video.. now worth watching.congrats maam

My ex wife just got diagnosed as we finalize all the particulars. I definitely have been run down and felt unappreciated. I went years quietly suffering hoping she would clue in to what she was doing to me emotionally. Even now she doesn't seem to get what the implication of her diagnosis is in reflecting on our past. I have to move on

I used to jump to search for his keys and phone. I told him to place them both in a particular place. He refuses. Now I just sit quietly as he scrambles. Excessive caretaking is me.

Ty so much. Truly love a woman that has this and her hot and cold actions stem from this and past trauma. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ground her. When she went off of it recently due to the shortage, she was so much better to be with.

Am I just a source of Noise to my ADHD partner? Is my role just to walk around on eggshells with them?

Living with adhd is very hard for both sides. I am highly aware that it's extremely hard for me to get my shit together some days, and you feel hatred towards yourself more than you do normally, and other days, I can run circles around everyone. The only consistent thing about me is how inconsistent I am. 😢

I hope any women taking advice from this video knows for sure if she is just dealing with ADHD or a narcissistic partner that will use all her weaknesses she expresses to him against her and no matter how calm or firm or crazy or even if she just ignores their problem's.....He will NOT change.

just diagnosed with ADHD and medicated 2 months ago. 33 yrs of marriage my husband is a saint he. Just said the medication has saved his life

My husband has had thousands of dollars worth of every kind therapy. He was diagnosed 15 years ago, but finds a reason to not take his meds. He can no longer can say he doesn’t have the tool-sets to communicate, function at higher levels, make small changes that overtime will develop new neural pathways so he will stop causing crisis in mine or my childrens lives. I've taken on almost every adult task because he's proven time and time again that he won't impliment any consistent cognitive behavioral therapy techniques He's learned. I'm exhausted because I don't have a partner. I'm literally working 80+hrs this week to pay for a huge financial problem he created and lied to me about. It all feels hopeless.

Many times it is the ADHD partner is the "over helper" and is the excessive.

Being in a relationship for 7 years with my boyfriend who has ADHD it has been difficult to understand the actions of his ADHD. He would interrupt me as I'm speaking just to exclaim that he knows what I'm talking about I'd say can you not cut me off when I'm speaking, He denied doing anything 😮‍💨

This was really brilliant and soooo helpful!! I've watched lots of videos lately and yours is hands down the best 🙏

This is excellent information, and presented in a very organized manner. Thank you!

I’m in relationship with an ADHD and i’m hopeless. I’ve tried to be understanding but i cant tell if it’s his ADHD or he just simply dont care abt my feeling. I can never have a proper conversations without him zoning out and that makes me feel disrepected. All he said is that he cant change and i have to accept and be nice to him, what abt my own feeling? I really need to talk to someone with ADHD to help me understand.

The title is misleading... this is more how to protect yourself from overcompensating for your ADHD partner. As a person with ADHD who is also "gifted", I did not feel understood in this video. All I heard was: No. Do this. No. This is how I feel so do this... if you don't act this way you are on your own, and in a cold manner. My main symptom is overthinking and scattered brain, but I overcompensate by being extremely organized (you got the colorful post it right, that's a fact!). Certain tasks are harder to complete though, like administrative, or if I make a call and then need to follow-up because of some wait period. I never fully relied on my partner for anything. In fact, I suspect he had aspergers because I am the one who was organized, and wanted follow through, and he would just be in his little world, and quite clueless of my emotions. To be fair they were quite colorfully displayed... and that can be a lot for anyone, I get it. But imagine having ADHD and being the parent on top of it... perhaps this video relates to another dynamic. I still feel the title is misleading. I do appreciate the help it might bring to partners of ADHD people in the instance that it is severe though. One thing I noticed though, is how feedback for partners of autistic people says to accept, whereas for ADHD partners it's about setting boundaries. I can imagine a lot of ADHD people feeling at a loss...

Being ADHD myself, imo it maybe best if an ADHD person partners with another ADHD person or remains single as there’s a chasm between the Neuro-typical and Neuro-divergent behaviors and unless there is boundless love, understanding and empathy on both sides it’s bound to be a conflicted relationship. This divergence is not only problematic in romantic relationships but also in families and schools where Neuro-divergent people are forced to conform to a Neurotypical world. The ADHD brain is now being studied, researched bringing better understanding to both ADHD and non-ADHD alike; so we can learn to balance each other out.

Thank you so much....ive been suffering since day1 since i met her..all i have to do is help her take care of her...i have done nothing in my like thingking about her that she needs me always...now im free and know how to deal with this mental diaorder....i can breathe now...

So what in the world should I do if after ten years she can not complete a task and will even abandon necessary tasks because she does not like or want to do them or do it a certain way. My partner only completes tasks that fulfil her symptoms or interest. I also can not ask for help because no physical task at home will be finished or even half way finished if I ask. So I’m left to doing it always. Everything. Which obviously can not all be done everyday.

My adhd partner regularly says are you still talking? You talk too much and this is really hurtful because it’s usually when I’m helping him with something or trying to put boundaries in place. How do I not take this personally or deal with it

What if as the non ADHD partner, you've tried literally everything including how you try to approach and the ADHD partner is medicated but oppositional, reactionary and angry and every time you try to point out how it's negatively effecting the children....they try to blameshift or refuse to take accountability and shift their behavior? What if the father looks like an angry drill Sargeant but refuses to hear your concerns? Then what?

Ive been verbally abused for 15 yrs. Just filed divorce and on the same day my husband was diagnosed adhd and anxiety disorder. 😢

How do you still have respect or still be crazy in love or find your ADHD partner sexually attractive when they can't seem to do anything right? I'm really struggling with this right now

I’m really struggling to feel heard by my partner who is “self diagnosed adhd” recently I just keep noticing her not quite listening to me/not being present. Not sure what the cause is but I’ve been feeling hurt and very lonely (struggling with anxiety and depression myself so it’s hard to know if it’s not just in my head)

Thank you so much for this insightful, helpful video, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for and couldn’t find until now. It’s quite calming and reassuring to have you highlight common traits with advice on how we can help the situation. (I’ve recently been studying NVC and realise that the language that it teaches to help identify Emotions and Needs, beautifully seems to support what I’m hearing you say here. Thanks again so much 🙏

My fiance is finally diagnosed with adhd severe ocd as well I am happy he finally got diagnosed he is scared of the medication but is starting it. He snaps he easily get very angry impulsive and his ocd is here no patience yet ha a good man n person. I don t want to give up on him after 16 years I love him n I see the pain his going through. But im struggling myself. I want him to try help himself also. He isn’t working n needs to work n help me too. I’m scared my mental health wil go down hill. Plz give me hope. The meds will help n his new diet im helping him with

I feel like the finances and other example means try with them and if not, do it yourself. Which is tiring

I’m desperately trying to figure out how to get my adhd wife to be more affectionate and intimate. She’s so cold that’s she’s made me really cold. She never initiates contact. Rarely hugs. She can roller coaster with her emotions while I can get stuck in a mood all day.

But going through the video and knowing about the roadblocks I don’t think she will love me again cause i made it so hard for her. I want to change mistakes how am I supposed to do it I really love her a lot and I can’t loose her

I need a therapy group. My daughter is 34, she has a 3 year old. Which has been my main concern. We have to share our space. It’s a long story but we are in quite a viscous cycle. And I need real help.

I'm not an over help person. I do what I want and like to do without making him feel one way or the other. I get upset by this because he's found someone who will do everything without complaint. Yet... He still gets mad at me if I get upset, even very slightly, by anything that goes against his beliefs. This is not ok. I've been abused in the past and this comes across as emotional abuse. I can say, I wish this or that person didn't do that, and he will say it's a personal issue, I'm an idiot, and that it's so stupid I would even bring up disagreeing, when he has me read and validate his Facebook disagreements. Please explain that. He says I 'raise my voice' which I do not, he says I'm being dumb (when it's something in my wheelhouse of understanding), and when I explained I'm there for him when it's something he's upset about, he says he gets it, but my issues are stupid and don't matter. I'm a mother to 3 boys age 13, 9, and 6 months old... And I work from home full time. I'm exhausted and upset about how I'm treated when I do everything for him without complaining, and he still has a fight to pick and everything is my fault. I'm so hurt and defeated.

I’ve had adhd all my life but I’m 32 now and am barely learning about my disorder cuz I was shunned for it growing up the things I’ve learned in this video make me want to cry because my partner has to deal with me like this no wonder she’s stressed idk what to do it’s like I can’t ever figure out a solution theirs too much stuff going on in my head

Lots of videos on YT about being a partner of someone with ADHD but not much for couples where both partners have ADHD, can anyone signpost me to any content about this?

I don’t think I was supposed to listen to this. I was already feeling like a huge burden. My wife has been doing all these things the best she can for over 20 years and now I feel like she just can’t deal with me anymore, in spite of trying my best to overcome all my faults.

19:00 - “communicate as adults, be assertive not mean”. Also, be careful how you talk with kids too please!

My now fiancé was open to me about his ADHD since we started dating but the problems got way more challenging now during the engagement time, I’m trying to gain encouragement from videos like these but honestly I’m losing strength!

I have adhd and my husband was a malignant narc I was a angel to that evil moster

Any more information and tools for both partners? I have severe adhd, my wife has depression.

I am struggling hard with it. I'll make plans and she will bail because she got distracted and forgot about it. All the time. But if I don't plan anything, she says I'm not trying. I'm never right

Thank you for these great strategies and advice

How do you know what is their adhd and what is bad personality

My partner goes into a negative spiral over the silliest things. Yesterday there was a baseball game and we were both watching it and all was going well and the team partner likes was ahead and then in the last inning the manager did something -changed pitchers or something and partner's fav team lost by one point. Partner immediately had a tantrum. He started saying oh that manager he’s such an a hole and F him and he needs to leave or he should be fired and he was just going on and on. I kept saying “regulate regulate your emotions!”He continued on so I said is this useful ? is this helping you to repeat this over and over again about what an ahole The Team manager is? So it was almost 730 at night and I said I’m going to bed. I’m not gonna listen to this so I went in the bathroom and took a bath and he went in his room - we sleep apart-- and went to sleep. I thought how immature and ridiculous and I went to bed, about 830 and I slept OK but I woke up thinking about it. This morning partner was over it but how stupid to get so upset over a ball game and to carry on like a child! I feel so sad and hopeless. I want him to see his doctor but how many family doctors understand ADHD?

Is a symptom of ADHD to never being content and or to need things their way seemingly?

I don't think I can do it. I feel so invisible in the relationship. Trust me, I have tried different angles at different situations and nothing helps.

As a husband with adhd and a daughter with it as well I've found way too mange it and teach my daughter to comes too terms with her condition i explain to her that there nothing to be ashamed about her brain just works differently and she needs to work and handling it lucky i have a wonderful wife who been loving and supportive

try having ADHD and being in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s a struggle every day. My ADHD/chronic anxiety is in full effect with him.

me and my ADHD partner are on brick of breaking up rn. She tried to break up with me 3x already bec she lost the sparks and she can’t feel it anymore and it happened overnight. Does that mean she doesn’t have genuine feelings for me or is it just her ADHD? Or also because I dont give her the Dopamine hit anymore just like in the early stage of our relationship? Does the feelings come back? I love my girlfriend and I’m really patient and understanding so a little help would be much appropriated

And who cares about us, the spouses who live with an ADHD adult ?

I have to get all the shit together around the house, work and basically everything in everyday life what money can't buy. And i still feel sorry I can't make my spouse feel better while she's scrolling through useless Instagram crap. Or when she's walking up tired at 9 while I'm mixing concrete in my backyard since 7 am. Am I selfish?

What is the boy boundary is a task that is extremely difficult for a person with ADHD?

Ok, so I speak as an adult to my husband but were in the parent trap in the sense of my care level. Now what?

Ok this is so extra. As someone who has ADHD innatentive, you are not dealing with one. You are dealing with a narcissist. Get out. It's not that hard for us to become aware and want to DO better not GET better. Big difference

Gotta pump those bumpers up. Those Re rookie numbers!😮

this comment section

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Damn! We are in the Parent Trap! I don’t know what to do. She lives and abosluts 😕

I have adhd and I can't identify with half of this complaining. It sounds like you're complaining about a lazy husband more than anything lmaoo

This is sooo interesting 🧐 my husband and I believe he has undiagnosed adhd. His 11 year old son is in the process of being diagnosed. My conundrum is, I have real trouble figuring out how much I should be doing in our blended family. How much should my husband be doing for his son himself? And how much should I be helping? 🥴 I want to help him with his issues, but don’t want to be doing things he should be doing and building resentment 🫣

This has been the most helpful resource as a non-ADHD partner. Thank you!

I cannot thank you enough for this , my relationship was on the edge and I didn’t understand my partner 😢 this helped A LOT 🩷