Free Conflict Workshop Replay! Only available for 2 more days! :) matthiasjbarker.com/from-conflict-to-connection/replayjimmy?#a_aid=jknowles&a_bid=d8615494
@@jacnella2419 This video is about INvalidating phrases, therefore negative & dismissive phrases. I think @s.p.3587 was asking for a video on the positive version of this so that the person can feel more heard and acknowledged 😊
Yes, and reactive abuse is also dysfunctional. I stopped demanding apologies many years ago …. still didn’t fix the problems, but it helped me work on myself healing because I realize I can forgive somebody without an apology… I can’t reconcile the relationship without them, but I certainly can work through my hurt and issues so they don’t blow up on everybody else … that can be hard if it’s been a long time since you did that and will make you raw for a while as these things come up… it will happen again if reconciliation actually begins because you will have to face what the other person talks about and let them know you’re feelings, which brings them back up.
Followed by my screen shot of them saying exactly that. No misunderstanding. Some people are only text worthy. I no longer speak to my sister. We have a text only relationship. It keeps her a little more honest.
The number of times I heard “you’re so sensitive…” When I’d finally heard it one too many times, I fired back: “That’s a FEATURE, not a BUG!!” And I ended the relationship soon after. Best choice I ever made.
Excellent way of explaining it. Sadly I grew up hearing that from my Dad along with the suggestion that my balling my eyes out was “crocodile tears” and “turning on the waterworks”. As an adult I find out about HSP and I’m like yes that’s totally me.
My favorite was, “You need to see this from my perspective.” After hearing that for 4 years, I finally replied, “I can’t see anything from your perspective, I can’t get my head that far up my a$$!!” He laughed, I laughed, then removed him from my life.
I say this to a male friend. He talks to and about several ex girlfriends while with the current gf. He does understand why the current gf does not feel like a priority.
It's hard to move on when the offender never took any accountability or showed remorse. Actions/inaction can be just as invalidating as words. Last but not least, despite forgiving someone it's not easy to forget, especially without closure, remorse, or apology.
They will bring up anything and everything from the past just to hurt you, but if you bring anything up, they’re like “the past is over!” Pretty convenient for them.
OMG that's such a "passive" Narcissist move!! Those mfer's are ghosts you don't see coming...don't even see them in your space until you start hearing some of the Golden Oldies off this Top 10 list coming out of their mouths 😠
Of my favorite is when they insist “I don’t have the time or energy for this” or “I don’t want to fight” but then will follow you everywhere you go in an attempt to escape them all while insisting that you’re just manipulating them into chasing you because YOU only want to fight. The cognitive dissonance of someone who can say “I’m not going to chase you around and play your little head games” while actively chasing you around because they’re not done yelling at you is astonishing.
I mean, when people want to pick a fight as I've literally got car keys in hand, foot out the door, I really don't have the time and I suspect you're using my rush to catch me off guard and get your way
Wow! Hearing all these invalidations, gas lighting, deflecting, disrespectful, non accountable, non apologizing statements all in a row hits home. How I put up with this treatment for so long is heartbreaking. Hearing & seeing this all together within a few minutes, as opposed to sporadically over several years, helped me see the abusive pattern I endured.... Thank you for your eye opening videos...
This dude nails it every time. THANK YOU. I am telling you, these videos are keeping me sane! Like, “ OH?! It’s NOT ME?!!” Healing hearts, unite! ❤️🥰💯🙏
This is one of your best 'shorts' I so want to communicate like this in all my relationships. WHY do I have to work sooo hard keeping boundaries that people think are just there to trample on??!
Because you don’t have clarity about the type of people you want to be around - or a sense of worthiness that you can find and connect with those people.
Because your boundaries are for yourself. You put them in place to remind yourself what you will & will not tolerate. Other people, toxic people, will push your boundaries because it benefits them, not you. When someone crosses 1 of your boundaries that's your cue to leave.
@@abaker2302i used to say to him why do you cross all of my boundaries…he was always controlling, i could never make plans because i had to get with him first. He would say the day the time and there was no going off the route or i was throwing him a curve ball.. and would get angry. If its something he wants to do he’s good to go but for me he would drag his feet almost make us late and if i squawked about it he would say your trying to start shit and make it about me being the problem.
@@abaker2302Yes! Exactly! If we show people our boundaries, they will show us who they are. And then we can decide if we want them in our lives. Boundaries shouldn't be fought over. They should be gladly respected without reminders, or we should leave.
The original issue you were trying to resolve is usually much easier to heal from and forgive than the gas lighting, invalidation and belittling that follows…
I know that’s what I kept trying to explain to my husband. If you would just sit and take it and work through it with me, it wouldn’t compound the issue . When you invalidate, gaslight, defend, and argue over someone’s feelings and hurts… all you are doing is making more hurt that they have to get over on top of what they already were feeling. It’s like taking a small cut thinking that cutting it deeper is going to heal the wound. All that does is make it worse and now the wound is larger and bleeding more so now it’ll take longer to heal and more actions to address it- you might even have to sew it up now and hope it heals without a massive scar… Now there’s more things they have to work through instead of just the initial issue.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 exactly. The initial issue could have even been caused by an accident or miscommunication but the follow up is always a choice where they seem to always choose to double down at our expense. It’s hard to leave old things in the past if we are never able to properly work through them in the first place and you can’t forgive shit that just keeps happening. I hope your husband wakes up and listens to you and chooses to work with you before he loses you. I in the end took some space and time for myself (not saying that’s what you should do, just my current situation) and just recently found out he’s watching Jimmy’s videos, feeling somewhat personally attacked and hopefully slowly learning. 😂 But i knew i couldn’t send it to him or he’d have reacted as if i were the one personally attacking him… working with men’s egos is rough. Good luck to you Jax. You deserve a real partner in life who values you enough to talk with you honestly and openly and work with you in this life.
When this happens to you as a child and you grow up without your feelings being validated you can end up with borderline personality disorder as I did. First advice I gave my daughter as a new parent was ALWAYS ALWAYS validate her feelings. My little granddaughter will never know that pain thank goodness ❤
Its a fake apology. My ex was good at this type of statement. If i called him out on anything he would just say, "you believe what you want to believe". What a copout!
“Why do you keep bringing up the past” because there was no reconciliation, you just left the knife in my back and woke up the next day and the next week and the next month and just made normie small talk while I stood there bleeding in disbelief
Omg and yet he repeats the past. Just wish this covert narcissist didnt live in my apartment complex and lurk around. Disturbing and I cant escape always just turns up wanting to go out for a decent meal and wont bother me again Yeah right
That’s actually not that bad compared to stabbing you in the same exact spot day after day and when you say ouch that hurts didn’t we talk about this last time we talked when I asked you not to do this and if you keep mentioning that they’re still doing the thing that’s hurting you then they get upset with you for “starting a fight” and the fact that “you’re always fighting” while completely avoiding their own role and responsibility in continuing to do the same thing to hurt you over and over even after they “apologized” Also I don’t mean to invalidate or diminish your pain or compare Just adding textures to the abuse
After hearing some of these consistently, I (regretfully) admit to using them as a response to my significant other's complaints. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it's hard to take the high road when you keep getting invalidated by someone you'd hoped would care about your things.
About math thing... Adding two negatives never gives positive 🤭 even math tells it. Only negation of negative gives positive so oposition to negative. I think people giving this often misunderstand and that's why mention math (not you here)... Have a wonderfull day!
I’m in the same boat. I find myself saying invalidating things sometimes because my partner consistently doesn’t take accountability and puts the blame on me to do the work for him (emotional work). There are better ways I know, it’s hard sometimes though. Very annoying, he just trying to avoid putting in effort. We eventually resolve the issue but it takes a long time to get there 😢
Had a boss like this last year. I was her employee for nearly five years. The last month I was there, my doctor prescribed me antipsychotics just to get through the work days. I stopped doing extra work (taking charge of the dept, training others, etc), stopped taking calls from them outside of my shifts, and then limited my availability. I never intended to quit without notice, but I didn't care anymore. I started a new job within a week and was much happier!
I was happy to see him at nearly a million subscribers, and a 1000 times more subscribers would help avoid many problems marriages can highlight. Our society needs more like him!!
"Strong feelings"..... damn straight that I have strong feelings! Love is a strong feeling... so is hate... so is grief... so is feeling alone, unwanted, and unheard....
My favorite thing to say to people who use this kind of passive-aggressive communication is, “Listen darlin I ain’t got enough dressing for the word salad you’re bringing to the table. I gotta go do some chores for my mama.”
Here is what has worked for me: 10. You're imagining things: Just like you, we ALL see things from our perspective. Are you willing to care about mine and work with me on this? 9. I don't see what the problem is: I get that. Are you willing to take the time to understand WHY it is a problem for me? 8. Why are you ruining a good day. I can see you don't want to address this issue right now---when would be a better time for us to work this out? 7. That sounds like a YOU problem: It is for sure. Since you are my partner in life, will you work with me to find a mutually beneficial solution? 6. You're so sensitive. I really am. My heart is tender in this area. Would you be willing to be more gentle with me? 5. You're feelings aren't my problem: No one's feelings are "a problem" they are a reality to be noted and addressed with care and respect. Let's do that for eachother. 4. You're making a big deal about nothing: I will tone down, however this IS something to me. Can you respect that? -It could be worse: I am grateful that this is not as bad as it could be. Can we work together to make it better? 3. I'm sorry that you feel that way: Thank you. Compassion is always helpful. I'm sorry too. Can we work together on what is concerning me right now? 2. I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke? :I have taken jokes many times in my life, but THAT joke was not funny to me. Please do not joke like that with me. 1. Why can't you just get over it? :I will. I'm simply attempting to come up with a solution to avoid this concern in the future for the sake of our connection.
Saying these are unfortunately a waste of time. They do not care, and will not try to see your point of view. If they were willing to do that, they wouldn’t be invalidating you in the first place.
This is a respectful way to respond to their disrespect. Some may use this method, others may use humor and sarcasm 👏 It's all about getting to the other person's heart 💛
whoa hearing them all together like this made me realize how often I’d hear these from my father, like every day pick 5-6 of them. and now I’m on a self-imposed ban from dating because I kept picking guys with the same scripts. yikes
Yup. Same experience with my dad. Awful. Extra awful when I'd confront him about it. He and my step mom have always been just elderly children masquerading as adults. Not mature, not self aware, not responsible for how their words and actions impact others but especially me, etc etc. These are my favorite and really great resources to learn boundaries, genuine self love, dating, relationship, communication and conflict resolution skills: yt channels Jimmy (this one), Stephanie Lynn, Mended Light, Therapy in a Nutshell, and Put the Shovel Down. Also, Leila & Alex Hormozi's advice on dating and relationships. Mended Light's videos and content on dating and relationship skills is researched based and excellent. I'd recommend starting there. Healthy mutually fulfilling relationships can be found / created / built & maintained. It just takes education and skills and practicing those skills to have. -- education that's critical but not taught in schools. Fortunately it's 2024 and great resources and real help are free and easily accessible online for people who want great relationships.
Thank you Jimmy, I just broke off a friendship and have been both grieving and feeling like maybe I was making too big a deal about what happened between us. But this video really opened my eyes, she did # 7, 5 and 3 all the time, especially when I tried to share how her words impacted me. I realize now it wasn't a two way friendship, it was a situationship.
This sounds like my mom to a T. Avoided partners like that for so long and then i got stuck in a relationship with someone exactly like that too. Biggest thing is recovering from a life time of this shit. With people like my golden child brother backing it up to whole time so he could keep being the spoiled favorite. The gaslighting worked for sooooooooo loooonnnggg.
You have to try, first. And try again. And again. You could talk about the frustration of trying and them not changing that unhealthy behavior. And if they continue to ignore your needs and boundaries, then you just move on. Many people don't have a clue about healthy communication, but are willing to learn. Some people, however, are always under the impression that it's gonna be alright if I just keep doing what I always do, because it may be a phase, but will wake up if you make it clear you will not tolerate that behavior, and that you will eventually quit if the changes don't start to happen. Other, sadly, will not have the courage or interest in doing so, and those are not for us.
If by "them" you mean real narcissists or sociopaths then you are probably right (though some mild cases could be managable, those conditions are also on a spectrum like everything in psychology). But with regular people you have a fair shot. Me and my husband had to relearn communication and problem solving because what we learnt at home as kids was clearly not ideal. Though not as abysmal as some people have it. Thankfully we had our most major faws in different areas and so we are able to effectively work on being better. As always it is a work in progress, takes patience, compassion and room for failure. Good luck out there stanger!
You can’t prove logic, it’s something intrinsic that all humans share. If someone is committed against logic, there is literally nothing you can do. Imagine you say to someone “is the sky blue?” Then they reply with “no”. You might engage - “is that water over there blue” “yes” “and is that water the same color as the sky?” “Yes” “so therefore the sky is blue” “no”. There is no way to solve that conversation, all you can do is leave it be. It doesn’t matter if they’re avoidant or just abusive, the outcome is the same which is them never taking accountability.
@@GabrielPassarelliGI spent 30 years in four different relationships giving way too many chances for them to improve communication skills and to even just do the very basic minimum and found that it does not ever get better. So now I realize it's more important to seek a partner who already has done the emotional work to heal from their own past and to be a good partner for me.
Thank you for giving such perfect portrayals!! And although these phrases are hurtful when hearing them (and during the toxic relationship) it is wonderfully refreshing & healing how you add humor to them! Thank you for these clips! ❤
Ok but that one can actually be true and it's not invalidating to point it out. My best friend has brain damage and one thing it did was make them extremely defensive to anything they perceive as an attack. Lashing out because you feel attacked never solves anything, and they weren't this way before, and it is extremely hard to deal with on the other side.
@@lmg740105 I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, but that's not the situation I'm talking about. And I was indeed incredibly invalidated when told that. That was my ex's way of winning any time she was gaslighting, invalidating, and belittling me. By saying those words she had claimed her superiority and I no longer had a voice in the conversation.
Same. I'd constantly get accused of actual things I didn't do and my reaction was to defend myself. But when I brought up something he actually caused or did, he would say I'm starting an argument and call me horrible names. This was the pattern within the 25 year marriage. Now we are divorced! 😂😂😂
Can you be my neighbor so we can hang out and you can give me advice all the time? lol In all seriousness though, this guy hits some good points and I’ve been guilty of saying these things in the past. It sucks that a lot of people would look at this so unrealistically and not learn from it. I’m not perfect, but progress over perfection is key!😊
I've gotten every single one of these from my bf and I've tried to speak as level headed as possible to him about it and that's when it gets even worse. Legit makes me feel like a crazy person.
Wow. I have had all of those phrases used against me during times I have attempted communication with an abusive person. Thank you Jimmy for the validation.
That's a literal greeting in the UK. They say it like "hey what's up?" I immediately thnk somethings wrong everytime my husband walks into the room and asks "are you ok?"
@Loralanthalas I'd be thrown off, too. In the US, it's commonly used in a dismissive way to suggest that you're acting weird. "What's up?" used to be what you said in a specific situation - when someone told you "so and so wants to see you, and you go to so and so and ask, "What's up?" "What's going on?" used to convey confusion, or, at the very least, "bring me up to speed." Now it's just a greeting. To entertain myself, I reply to it with a brief description of the current activity in a tone of voice that says, "That's not obvious to you?" Not sure what kind of greeting a literal greeting is.
why do people say these things?!? Why can't some folks just acknowledge and keep it moving? That's practically all it is. The constant dismissiveness is infuriating. Which is what they want. Thank you for this.
NUM ER 1 IS MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE PEOPLE DO sorry for the caps, but people never addressing what they did then being annoyed when you don't get over it in 10 seconds is infuriating... you aren't ever supposed to get upset when they treat you like crap or do something hurtful (something they would get upset about if done to them)AWESOME!
Your vids are so hard to watch sometimes bc they bring tears to my eyes, but so helpful to know there are so many people who need to hear your words! Thanks!
"I'm sorry you feel that way" And combine in the incessant need for her to never admit any shred of wrongdoing or responsibility. I was the one always asking for forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing this. I have heard all of these from my spouse in the past. Today, we are also on the upswing. I sometimes wonder if I let too much go. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who is willing to give it a second chance, if he is showing willingness to make changes, too.
I am another person who is noticing some changes in my husband after 16 years of these kind of things, including neglect and also other relationship issues… I definitely reacted poorly for many many years and caused problems as well… then I got better and started healing. Yet, that did not improve the relationship. In fact it caused a lot of problems and dysfunction because I was no longer participating in what he was used to…. Right when I was about to give up and was thinking about walking away and even planning on it … he started figuring things out. We are kind of on an upswing… I’ve seen it before though, in the past, it only lasted a few months… so until we get past it just being him trying to save face for a while and seems to be actual change… I am not willing to call it permanent. Unlike other times , I warned him. This is the last go around with improving for him… if he goes back to treating me the way he used to (and I detailed what that looked like for me with him so he is very clear what I mean)- I will leave him and I don’t care what people think anymore… I cannot deal with another round and Lord knows how many years of the abuse (yes I told him it was abuse). he may not be hitting me but certainly from dealing with different kinds of abuse in my childhood (and spending lots of time and money getting help and healing). I can say that being hit and physically abused, while painful and definitely not OK, physical abuses far less damaging than the emotional abuse that usually comes along with it or without it… that damages your soul and breaks you in a way you can’t even fathom until you try to unravel it all and heal…. I told him I won’t put up with it again . The consequences for marriage and our kids is far worse if I stay at that point then if I leave… So he knows this is his last chance … not because I hate him or I’m trying to be rude, but I can’t take any more rounds of this and manage life… I want to finish healing and if he won’t participate and wants to continue creating dysfunction, I need to get away from it. I hope he is serious this time and intentional. I also hope I’m not giving him too much grace about it and he is just playing me… I don’t feel like he is… but I told him if he goes back this time I won’t ever trust him that he loves me and I will begin to think this is on purpose….
❤❤❤❤ can’t love this enough! All of these reasons are why my marriage ended. I finally stood up for myself and he walked away because some people will never take accountability or care how they treat others.
The only one of these I ever use on my husband is "that sounds like a you problem" and it's usually about something silly like "wife I can't get up, the cat cuddling me" - if it isn't silly in that context, them I'm usually saying it as I'm helping with the problem. "Wife, I'm hungry" (when we have leftovers in the fridge) could be followed with "that sounds like a you problem" said as I'm dishing up a plate for him. What I mean is that CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING. There are ways to say these words in ways that aren't hurtful, and there are times and context that make "the right" words be just as invalidating as any of these. None of this will help unless you GENUINELY WANT to listen to and validate your partner.
I was talking to a man and he was calling me " potato" multiple times because he thought it was funny and harmless. I was not upfront with it to begin with but he kept calling me like this for some times. When I said I was done talking to him he answered " sorry it upset you". When you explain that you're upset about something to someone and that person answers with "sorry you" and not "sorry I" it's a warning. I've learned this. He should have said " it was not funny I'm sorry" or " I understand what I said is upsetting" not " sorry you feel that way" because "you" is the problem here, not him. It's subtle but it's very revealing of someone character.
I don't know because I was not there, but if he exactly said "sorry it upset you", it's literally not "sorry you were upset", but "sorry my joke made you upset". Sometimes people will not phrase things clearly, and sometimes our trauma decides we'll hear what we want to hear. You probably felt humiliated for so long, that when he apologized, you were ready to listen as an invalidation, but maybe it was not. I couldn't know, but you could reflect on that. Also, if you never stood up for yourself and put up a boundary about that behavior, but instead you just quit on the moment you made your hurt known, then it was not a healthy behavior as well. I don't know, but maybe calling you that was a way for him to create intimacy in a way he thought was funny (bonding) and harmless (he didn't know it was hurting you). My mom has always behaved like that, even with friends or family. She would count the times she was disrespected and say to herself that she was giving them opportunities to change, but she never actually talked to them, and then the unwanted behaviors always became bigger and more frequent, because people couldn't know it was hurting her. Then out of a sudden, she would just explode in anger or simply ghost that person forever, without ever explaining. And if them tried to come to her to reconnect, she would be super passive-aggressive and put all the blame on them, even though they never had a clue she was being hurt by their actions. So, again, it's always a journey of understanding ourselves and breaking the unhealthy patterns we've learned from our caretakers and from the hard times of life itself. And it's always important to know what to look for in the other person, but it's always more important, but extremely harder, to break our wrong behaviors in favor of new, healthier ones. I hope it was helpful.
@@RedNiel100actions and words have impact, but no one can make anyone feel anything, even less so what individuals choose to do with emotions once they arise. Pendulum can swing too far to being dictated my our feelings.
My friend actually helped me with a version of "sounds like a you-problem". I always kept helping people and doing SO much, way more than I could handle or was good for me. He asked me "who is the owner of this problem?" and most of the time it ended up not being me. It helped me see that some people in my life were so used to me helping, that they (probably unconsciously) tried to make things my problem. That in turn helped me to look at it like "Okay, it's not my problem. I'm still allowed to help. But then at least I know I'm doing that because I *want* to, not because I feel pressured."
Your response to “Can’t you take a joke?” cracked me up, I’ve gotten that one a lot. No sense trying to explain to them what a joke is and that a flat out insult isn’t one. I’ve tried that and some people just aren’t bright. They need to know they’re up to their ears in the brown stinky stuff.
These are often appropriate things to say to strangers.... especially if those strangers are being toxic. If someone who supposedly cares about you talks to you or treats you like this, then they don't actually care about you.
I grew up using phrases I heard around me and to me. I’m sorry you feel that way, is kind of like when I say “I’m sorry.” It isn’t an apology but acknowledging a hurt, empathy. When someone says they’ve had a bad day I respond “I’m sorry”. So when I say I’m sorry you feel that way and it’s a disagreement, the response to a situation not a feeling. Like, “I don’t feel you are being honest.” And if they say “I’m hurt by your name calling.” That is different. I would say “Sorry, that was wrong of me”. Or “I am sorry”. Same phrase. So many meanings, like “Bless your little heart”. ❤️
Thank you. I think it’s great how you can clarify the exact details in expressions used and articulate how it makes the reciprocate of these expressions feel. It’s really a gift. I send your videos to my boyfriend of 11 yrs all the time and they’re the only ones he’ll watch. Lol.
If I show this video to my husband, who is a fan of using these 10 famous phrases, he will simply say: just because that guy says it. I can never talk about my feelings, or I am very sensitive, or I always have to be creating problems. Well, he prefers to ignore them and pretend they don't exist or as if my feelings don't exist either. I have lost count of how many times I have asked him if he still loves me. Their responses were silence or saying: I love my family. As if I were not a woman, besides being a wife and mother. In every argument, his solution was to say: if you are not happy, we are going to get divorced. Until one day I took him at his word and then he was the hurt one and I was the insensitive one. I currently find myself distancing myself emotionally from him. If there is no love, there is no pain.
Divorce him. You can't heal while he is under the same roof. He doesn't love you anymore, and what you're doing to yourself to protect yourself from him is an unhealthy coping mechanism that will hurt you in the long run.
Just got out of a toxic friendship with two very drama and gossip obsessed "friends" and number 7 hit home. Had that told to me with finger pointing and everything... These were full grown women acting like teenagers. SMH 🤦🏼♀️
WOW, I heard all but two of these statements from my last 2 exes... instead of saying, you're imagining things, the last one would say, "Your perception's wrong," until (of course) I found out from a (literal) bunch of people that my perception wasn't wrong. When I confronted him about this 'perception' issue, he then told me that ALL of those other people's perception is wrong also.🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🙄
The person bringing up "the problem" is highly likely to go away if one uses these phrases. So in that sense, yes. But it'll cause a lot of harm to both people and the connection.
I used to get the steroid versions of these. Like "There is no problem, only in your head" and "you're a snowflake" and "stop trying to censor me, you should know that it's just a way I speak" (to me asking him to basically respect me and not call me names) etc. If you hear stuff like this, you deserve better. And if you can't work it out, you are not too high maintenance and it's perfectly alright to leave.
Life is a mirror. Truth is sometimes two cannot see eye to eye, the same mirror at the same time in the same space. That’s why regardless of UNDERSTANDING, we need to just respect one another and act out of love. But love looks like a lot of things. Sometimes you have to let go of someone, out of love. So then the key is figuring out in that moment ( all moments are different ) what is love. ( hint : it’s not anything you do out of FEAR )
