Are they a Narcissist or just Avoidant?? Here's how to tell... 

"the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs, and they certainly don't want you meeting them because then that means they're relying on you" that blew my mind...

"You were so worried about them abandoning you, that you abandoned yourself" This is deep!

As an avoidant type, I promise I'm not here to hurt people. *I* have been so hurt and used/taken advantage of by almost everyone in my life, so I developed this to protect myself. But I've been doing years of work on it in therapy and I'm very self aware. Thats the key. You need to be self aware to get through this and do better.

"you are used to getting inconsistent love" that hit me so hard

"It only takes one person to change a relationship for the better but it always takes two to actually feel connected and close."

My last partner was avoidant. He was a total sweetheart and never once demeaned or belittled me. We never even fought. But he was also completely incapable of prioritizing me or meeting any of my needs. It was my first serious relationship with someone I actually cared about and my inexperience led to me doing a lot of things wrong, but in the end, it was just simple incompatibility... It still hurts, but hopefully the next one goes better now that I've learned a lot.

I saw a quote online that could help people who are in an unhealthy relationship like this "If I could love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I would love the right person."

"You deserve someone who wants to put in the work to make this relationship work." Fact.

The ultimate message in my opinion: every single person needs to become self-aware of their behaviors and take accountability.

I'm avoidant. The lie I grew up with was how important family is. But the reality was that my parents didn't value, protect, defend, love their children. We needed to be silent, invisible, brilliant, accomplished, but without having any needs. I was made to feel that any help I received or asked for was an imposition and laziness on my part. Every bf I've had has had the same beliefs. So bc I don't choose well, I've decided it's best to stop. Even when friends try to match me, they choose cheats, control freaks, or felons for me. So I don't trust friends either.

15:54 you know you’re healing when you’re no longer trying to villainize the narcissist or avoidant… best common ever

“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem.” - things a narc wouldn’t say.

An avoidant says "You trapped me!" A narcissist says "You're trapped!"

I think avoidants can give you a silent treatment because they don't want to say things they might regret later. They might reclaim their space or go for a walk because arguing bring them old, nasty memories.

This makes me feel so bad for being a Dismissive-Avoidant person. I hurt someone six years ago and haven’t gotten back into a relationship since, because I worry so much about pulling away and causing hurt. I can consciously try to be caring and empathetic and patient and available but it’s so hard for me to trust and override my protective/independent-at-all-costs instincts.😢

Avoidants ''dismiss' also because of manipulation, or perceived manipulation, esp when the other person doesn't know how to regulate their own emotions too well. Hard for them to trust, and they're trying to see what the person is about by their opening up. A narcissist will outright dismiss/invalidate someone, regardless of whichever insecure att style they may have because, simply they feel they take first place and you don't count as much.

3:31 “…and this isn’t a popular opinion but the truth is anxiously-attached partners have just as many issues as the avoidant.” Thank you, sir! You have no idea how validating that feels. ❤

I'm an old man now at 64 but you young man are very smart and have good insight. God bless you Keep helping people. So many don't understand what love is.

Narcissists need to be admired publicly. That's the dead giveaway. Could be fame, sports, stage, politics, pulpit, PTA, HOA, military, medicine, non-profit, charity, social justice warrior, or arm candy/money. It's all about being admired by others. It's all about keep up (public) appearances and manipulating others and controlling their public persona.

“Do they respect your boundaries- do they even CARE what they are..”

Okay, but as someone who's been fighting about whether or not I'm a narcissist, this video made me cry. I realized that I'm not. I'm just avoidant with anger issues. Everything you said about the avoidant I resonate with. Thank you for starting to make videos, Jimmy. You've really helped my growing process

An avoidant still has empathy but a narcissist doesn't

I think it’s important to bring up and discuss attachment styles. You can’t heal what you don’t know/understand.

I think avoidants are often those who have had parents that were narcissists and or had other cluster B personality disorders....speaking from experience. The attachment style develops as a way to protect ourselves being let down or hurt again by any other person and or simply repeating the relationship pattern they saw their toxic parents act out when they were children. This is not an excuse but I just wanted to share my insight.

Exactly… if they don’t care about hurting you, belittle you, don’t respect your boundaries, are okay going to sleep while you’re crying because they did something that you’ve already told them hurts you, dismiss your feelings and tell you they’re trying to bring you back to reality or that you have mental issues and need to get help, tell you how amazing their friends wives are and what all they do when you do everything they ask of you, lie to their friends about you so they think poorly of you, tell you that you have no reason not to trust them when they’ve lied repetitively to you and been unfaithful, just run…

I love the plants in the background, they create a calm atmosphere.

Dated an avoidant, and BOY, what a disruptively toxic ride it was!! In all my life, I’d never felt so lonely as I felt in that relationship. What I found even more shocking was how much drained I felt in the relationship, even in their presence. It was like this person was sucking out everything from me and giving me nothing. Glad that I got out finally. Praying for anyone still struggling 🙏🏾

I think the most important thing he stated in the beginning is that the label you give it doesn’t matter. The behavior matters. How you’re treated matters. He went on to compare the two labels for information purposes. But ultimately he’s right. The label we give it is just a label to explain some poor behaviors. And as someone who was far too willing to believe that a label meant something could then be fixed- do not go into a relationship as a fixer. It will break you down and the other person has no understanding to give you. Let them fix themselves. What you owe yourself is a relationship where you wake up content. It’s not always going to be fireworks. But you know they are on your side and they’re willing to go the distance and want to see you content and happy, and you feel the same for them.

Thank you for the validation. I dated an avoidant and I was madly in love with him. I discovered attachment styles when I was going crazy trying to figure out what was going wrong. I went back and forth for months- is he a narcissist? Is he an avoidant? We didn’t work out. I’m finally almost completely healed a year later. And though I tried everything I possibly could, we just didn’t work out in the end. Everything you’ve said is completely accurate, I knew he didn’t have malicious intent, yet I kept getting hurt. Which is why I stayed and went back as much as I did. We really did love each other. But he triggered my anxiety and I just couldn’t control it because I’d never get the reassurance I verbally asked for. When I’m with a secure man (which I have been) my anxiety calms down and goes away after about 3 months, as long as I’m reassured. Now that I know I have an anxious attachment style, I’m working on my healing, so that I don’t hurt my secure partner in the future. Can you make a video on that? On ways an anxious partner can become more secure? Or a video on healing the attachment style, if that’s even possible? If you already have a video like that I would love to watch it!!! I want to be the best partner I can be. Thank you so much. I feel so validated and all my confusion is now in the past! :)

I was getting tired of people villianizing avoidants, but thank you for touching on that topic

Thank you. I was raised by a narcissist, I married a narcissist and was with him for 14 years, divorced and now with someone else for 3.5 years and it’s feeling the same as my ex husband because he is an avoidant. Just learned this from the “Secure Love” book. I’m the anxious. His mother is a narcissist too, of course he wasn’t showing any signs in the beginning until we moved in together, after 2 years. He pulled away hard and I felt like he didn’t even want me here with him, I feel like I’m standing in the corner and he’s doing everything else around me, work, working on cars, working on everyone else’s cars, and ignoring me. Intimacy is not even on the table. It’s been 5 months, I got him to go to counseling but used that and the stress of work to say he’s not in the mood for intimacy. I feel mad at myself at the same time for not being able to see this sooner, and that this feels exactly like my narcissistic ex husband but as a previous follower said, the avoidant does have empathy, but it still feels sooooo similar and it’s killing me once again to be ignored, and not prioritized and that I need to be doing all the relationship work, or plan the dates…I’m so sad because I feel I AM at that point where I have tried everything and now he isn’t going to counseling anymore, and doesn’t see there is anything going on with him despite NUMEROUS times explaining that my needs aren’t being met…I’m in the stage of hating and blaming my narcissistic mother and his…this is so unfair. I worked so hard on myself before dating again and thought I found someone good. He is reading the “Secure Love” book with me, but the question will be for how long…? I’m sorry for everyone who has or is going through this. My heart goes out to you all. ❤ Thank you for this Jimmy. ❤️ It’s sometimes needing to hear this outloud to confirm that I’m not being mean or making this stuff up, that all of what you said, IS happening. Thank you. ❤️

That was incredibly enlightening. This explains to me why my husband withdraws so often, why he has difficulty with intimacy, why he avoids talking about what he needs and fulfills his needs secretly and through lies. Now I understand better why he often just closes himself off and why he prefers to only have professional contacts. I feel that he has no bad intentions and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He does it anyway with his silence and his lies. I often have the impression that he wants to repair the damage by being helpful. He cannot understand what feelings his behavior triggers. I can explain how this came about from his family history. He now has therapeutic help. I'll see what happens. Anyway, thank you very much for this post.

My most recent two relationships were a narcissist (35 years, father of my children) and a fearful avoidant (recent boyfriend). Jimmy, you are spot on. Although the other major difference between the two - an avoidant can get help, is accountable, and can heal. A narcissist never will.

I absolutely love and appreciate your content so much. Thank you for all you do Jimmy

Thank you, I needed to hear this today. I am going to say “thank you, next”, to someone who is not investing in me, instead of chasing their attention.

I remember him saying often: I dont know what to say when i tried to communicate. (He talked with lots confidence in public, quick thinker) But very quiet with me, showed no interest, no follow up questions, every little thing i asked took long bench, never knew when or if i would get help etc He agreed it was easier talking superficial around others. So i said talk about anything (simple, surface) He said i dont know what to talk about He had nothing to say to me That hurt I often heard replies; i dont know Asked upfront why he still was with me in a relationship? I dont know At the end he lied more often and started drinking, never knew when he would come home partying I was forced to take the decision at the end to end it. I know he has empathy deep inside but not used to talk. Put up wall immediately One time he said something openly that he and a another guy had agreed on they both had no empathy He said it was his fault at the end but acted like nothing ever happened and we were buddies. 1 decade relationship. Never really knew him, felt many times like a stranger like my narc father 😢 very similar traits but not the same still I understand my part today as the helper, its no good idea. You slowly loose yourself and give all away. So no more relationships. Better alone now on, i recieve more connection and love from my cat ❤

A friendly reminder to my dear fellow avoidants: Your needs are not less important than your anxious partner’s needs. You are not a bad person just because you are an avoidant attachment type and they’re not a good person just because they are an anxious attachment type who “just wants some love”. If you’re like me then you probably would LOVE to meet the needs of your loved ones if you COULD. But sometimes you’re just crawling in your skin and hating yourself to death because you think you SHOULD want to give them what they need right now. But you’re not a machine. You need to heal and you deserve love and respect too ❤ I’ve realised that right now (1) I’m unable to have someone depend on me and (2) I’m unable to meet someone else’s emotional and physical needs. That’s why I’ve decided I’ll not have children and that I’ll not start a relationship until I’ve healed. You’re not a bad person for prioritising your health and needs ❤ you’ve been hurt and it’s not your fault, but you can always choose to work on yourself in order to have a better life ❤

Boy that hit hard when you said it is a problem with me when I am trying to heal the other person. That was me 40 plus years ago.

I understand, and hope, that I was an avoidant partner. My ex had a narcisistic parent and at our worst, she'd tell me I reminded her of her parent. Now I see why. I didn't know I was an avoidant. But all Jimmy said is how I felt. I regret a lot. I keep her in my heart, as a lesson and I want to be better so no one else feels like she felt with me.

Having had both narc followed by avoidant I was really confused at first because I thought I knew the signs but I didn't know about attachment. Once I understood I had more compassion for my avoidant ex and I felt less scared that I made another huge misjudgement.

I’m so grateful for this content. I’ve been describing myself as a recovering narcissist for years but now I don’t think I ever was truly a narcissist. Selfish and self centered but not full on narcissistic. I’m very mindful of how I interact with others now and have apologized where I could but I’ve a lifetime of mindfulness ahead of me to atone for my previous behavior - and because it’s the right thing to do. I’m just relieved to know that I wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Yes they both struggle with feelings of shame and unworthiness! ⭐️

No need to devalue and discard people like NPD tactics do when recognizing another is not in secure attachment... the kind thing to do is recognize another's true Capabilities and respect that 😁🌸

The man whom I love has been Avoidant the entire time I have known him. I have had my own Avoidant Attachment Style to heal. I was Fearful Avoidant until just recently. I love him with all of my heart and soul. And I am giving him the space he needs. God bless him. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

As a fearful avoidant - so sometimes I show up as anxious attachment, sometimes as avoidant, I can say from experience that anxious attachment is not a lack of fear of intimacy - because when someone is emotionally present the avoidant feelings come up. So anxiously attached rarely are comfortable with real intimacy also.

Thank you for clarifying this. I am so sick of the narc/empath blame game. Look to attachment and take responsibility for our own patterns is the way toward healing. I am in a relationship with an avoidant and I think I am disorganized. Life is not fun😅 most days. Trauma bonding disguised as love going on 30 years! Thank God we have you tube for therapeutic help today!

This is a beautiful message. I love the point that the label doesn't matter. The fact is, one can never actually know the intentions of another - even if they say something about their intentions and you believe, it may not have been true. The behavior and a reliable track record over lots of time is everything. Thank you.

Oh my gosh!!! So on point! Thank you!!!! The balanced explanation acknowledging both sides, not villainizing not labeling not demonizing. I have been saying this for two years now! I’ve been unable to find a video by a mental health professional video that does just exactly this ! I feel like so many mental health professionals have been pushing the labeling and the demonizing for Clickbait, but I think they are a large part to rise in people labeling others that they disagree with as narcissistic and or gaslighters-adding fuel to the huge rift happening in America. And like this video points out, I’m not saying that these mental health diagnosis doesn’t exist but as you mentioned and I realized in 2022 after binge watching Dr. Ramani I began to realize what you said, we are all a little narcissistic. But why aren’t more mental health professionals explaining the mental health diagnosis and then doing what you are doing… offering a balance view that helps to not inflame and insight conflict between one human and another?

Im an empath who turns avoidant when Im shown by a partner I cannot trust them to treat me right. It's not ideal, but I NEVER want to argue, and NEVER want to hurt anyone... I want to reiterate what Jimmy said. If they wont respect your boundaries - they dont love you. In my grieving state (10 years in, 2 years out)

Wow! I am so proud of myself for coming so far to the point where I can watch this video without reacting emotionally, actually understanding and agreeing to what is being said and seeing how I have implemented the things you say into my life. I have become and continue to become the adult i needed as a child, I am so proud of myself I’m literally crying 😭😭😭. Thank you for posting this and being so compassionate in your delivery ❤❤❤

The thing is, secure people get into relationships with narcissists and avoidants, especially if they don't have knowledge of those traits. A secure person would leave when they figured it out. Not everyone is anxious.

It is the worst feeling in the world to live with an avoidant type. They are so indifferent and look so happy and content. It eats up at your soul and makes you feel diminished. I’m 70 and I don’t have the strength or means to leave.

🎈Intent. 🎈That’s the deciding factor. A true narcissist plays the “power-over long game.” Zero humility. Most people are avoidants. The Unintentional “jerk.” 😮Thanks Jimmy this is great. Love how you help people to pivot. ❤

As an avoidant I was confused why I would be so engaged, caring, close at the beginning of a relationship but then somehow not.... at first I thought the relationship spark would get lost/it'd get boring... then I heard abt love bombing and questioned myself... was I doing that? But I had no bad intention... then I thought I am just a hypocrit at the beginning acting like I care and then letting people down. But no... I was/am avoidant. I want connection but I really dont know how to. Its always on the edges. I have to do so much at the beginning, "earn" it, and then I get so confused and pull back. I say to myself "its not working out anyway, I dont deserve it anyway"... so, if you have dealt with avoidants, dont be mad at us, it really is hard. But I believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel once you understand the problem!

This really helped me understand my ex a little bit more. She’s been hurt so bad by her family, her other exes, etc and it really made it hard for her to remain vulnerable after the first six months. We communicated so well at first and then it just stopped on her end one day. I know I fought as hard as I could to make it work, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome her fear of abandonment and that’s okay. I hope she is able to heal at some point so she can finally have the healthy relationship she deserves. Even though she’s been an asshole lately, I want her to be happy and to have a good life.

Im anxious-avoidant very much. Trust issues & distance b/c fear of abandonment, rigid boundaries, must be self-reliant. Yes, 100% can't trust, avoids conflict, cant lose my fierce independence, my internal wiring SCREAMS that trust & love is a dangerous vulnerability. I do need space to feel safe. Me: "the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs, they certainly don't want you meeting them b/c that means they are relying on you." I admit to having a problem with being emotionally dismissive & shutting down b/c I do feel shame over my own emotionalism.

You are spot on! I am an avoidant. I’ve been married four times and been in several relationships. Marriages were all toxic except one, but I didn’t give him a chance cause I was out of there six weeks after we were married. I totally freaked out and he treated me like a princess. But I was too afraid to stay. I’ve been in several relationships and as soon as it starts getting close I run. I absolutely hate being like this. It just comes out of nowhere and there’s no stopping it. All I want is a good healthy, normal relationship, but pushing through this fearful reaction seems almost impossible.😢

This sums up my entire marriage, except him leaving me repeatedly and name calling me amongst other things. Eventually i couldnt hold it together any further and walked away myself.

It’s so fun going to marriage counseling alone. Yeah, I did that. Why it took that for me to wake up and truly understand I was the only one working on staying together. Not that my ex didn’t want to stay together, he did, just as long as I did everything the way he wanted and put him first in all areas of our life.

Wow...Das ist die Erleuchtung! Endlich hat das "Kind" einen Namen ...Danke ❤

I want to be with him He broke up three times Now he came back around Now I’ve been on read for a week He even said „I didn’t break up I just needed a childish time-out“

This was one of your best! Your sensitivity and kindness and straight-talk is much appreciated! Please thank your wife for her humble willingness to support your sharing of experiences that must have been painful for you both, and your desire to help others. ❤ Thanks to you both!

I was in a toxic on and off relationship with an avoidant for ab five years and I was almost certain he was narcissistic. Until I dated my recent ex for a few months and realized the difference, it was insane. I had never felt so confused and misunderstood by a person and had completely lost myself in three short months trying to figure out why I wasn’t feeling safe and connected to him. This video was super beneficial, thank you!

Working on my avoidance tendencies getting into a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies created a recipe for disaster. Unfortunately already married and have a child so makes everything a lot more complicated going forward. The biggest eye opener for me was when my marriage counselor told me that I need to stop being so attached to the idea that I can heal my partner and that at the end of the day having a boundary of at some point I will have to leave the relationship if things aren’t getting better. It really hit hard but it also changed my mindset so drastically that a lot of things really started to come into focus. Have tried so many times to work on things together and come together and still get comments like “your dad doesn’t care about us eating today” while I’m getting ready for work after cooking lunch for my wife and daughter.

Hey, Jimmy. So I was (intentionally) watching your "How I SAVED My Marriage" video just a few moments ago in front of my wife, & when the video ended, she told our 3 year old that "Dad's trying to therapy Mom." Then she asked me how my "therapy session" went, & then asked me if I was gonna "Spout my guru stuff at her". & I Love this woman. But I don't know if I can even get through to her. I don't want to burden her with how I'm feeling because I communicate that I need her attention, & I get brushed to the wayside. & I know that I have work to do on myself, & I've been doing what I can when I can because not only is my family important to me but I am too. I understand that things will be slow-going, but if she doesn't even want to engage in anything to work on in our relationship, then I don't want to hold her or myself back from having a happy life. I'd rather be with her, but I don't tolerate disrespect like that, & I have admittedly clammed up at her words but that's because I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to cut myself off from her, & I want to be vulnerable but when she does stuff like that, it throws me off. If anyone reads this, thank you for taking that time to do so.

Great video. I would be interested in a video on comparing and contrasting BPD with anxious attachment style too. Great video and will be picking up that book as well.

Wow, honestly this video left me with tears in my eyes. Truths can be very painful but necessary. Thank you for this clear information, Jimmy.

I recently found out that I'm an Avoidant person. And im sorry for all of the pain I've caused people in my past relationships. Now, I have been married for almost 10 years to my husband, and I apologize to him constantly for my actions at the beginning of our marriage/relationship. And I'm currently working in therapy to better myself. I want to be bettwr for him. He's my world. 😊

It gets super tricky though when with a Neglectful Covert Narcissist- they are so subtle that they ACT more avoidant. They are so detached, it’s even harder to tell the difference if they are actually a narcissist or an avoidant.

In the most platonic way, Jimmy, I'm so in love with your videos and podcast. I'm anxiously attached and working on myself. You explain it in SUCH an accessable way, which is SO helpful. I do feel sometimes I need a checklist of things to look for from anyone avoidant, professionally, platonically, or romantically. As you know, red flags are hard for me to see when I've only grown up having to accept all the worst red flags as the f**** norm, which is beyond frustrating. Thank you so much for listing these traits all out. It's so helpful to have it spelled out so freaking clearly. Watching this video was hard because it's super triggering/angering because I've been through so much garbage with avoidantly attached people. And my brain is just going, "yep, yes, uhu, totally, been there" while watching this, and it still makes me so sad and regretful and angry that I wasted 10+ years on people who just didn't care about me, romantically and platonically. As the codependent "I'll fix your problems because I'm a 'good person' " I've just allowed people to trample all over me and take complete and utter advantage of me. It makes me enragingly angry, and leaves me feeling so so stupid, like I should have been able to see them for what they were all along. Now I'm able to look back at situations and see, "oh, they said this or did this, and they WERE giving me clues they were just going to take advantage of me," but I still walked right into the mess they were in and allowed their problem to become my problem. And their problem got solved, but I'm stuck with the loss of money, lack of a healthier social circle due to wasting my time on them, loss of time I could have spent with someone who actually did care about me, etc. I feel very much that in a nutshell, anxiously attached people come off as socially retarded, who "can't get a clue" (missing red flags) and just let everyone treat them like shit because we are used to being treated that way, so what is actually completely horrible treatment feels completely normal. It grosses me out now. I just wish I had known I was like this 20 years ago. Would have saved me SO much money, so much time, so much hurt and anger. Not everyone has money to go to therapy, but most everyone can watch your videos and videos like yours from wise people such as yourself. Hopefully people see themselves, or their siblings, or their parents, or their partners, in these videos and gets some starting guidance from there.

These videos are amazing. I am codependent and I’ve been married for 34 years. I’m now certain that my husband is dismissive avoidant. I feel really guilty because after so long trying to get through to him I have become so angry that I sometimes get abusive. He ignores me and I escalate and shout and name call. This dynamic is really toxic. Both of us end up feeling terrible. My self esteem has been really low and the angry behaviour makes me feel even worse about myself. I’ve come to realise that we were never suited to each other but we have children and a life together. A whole history. I know my husband is not a bad person and I want our marriage to work and to improve because now we are facing retirement together. I am finally healing from my codependency because I found the right therapist. I am finally accepting that I cannot change my husband and I’m working on my anger. I wish I had the type of information in these videos earlier.

Thank you. He actually IS a narcissist. His desire for absolute control was terrifying. His cruelty excited him, and it got worse and worse. Thank god i was able to move out, and have my own place again. I am healing...the damage was overwhelming. But the good thing is that this experience caused me also to heal wounds from childhood. So at least some good came from it.

Ty for this post! You hit everything on the head. You’ve helped me move forward.

This video is so compassionate and spot on. I think healing codependency was the most helpful change I made for myself. I think understanding behavior patterns and yourself is when this information really hits home. If connection isn't possible it's okay to grieve is powerful too! I love the way you described the ways that the patterns don't create connection and what someone both can do to create that connection. The fact the person may nor be a good fit for you is what really matters and loving yourself enough to look for what you need and deserve. I appreciate that there was not any negativity in this video. You always do a great job and I love the funny videos as well 😂 Humor and knowledge is awesome! Thank you for this video and all your other content. I've had years of therapy and I still love it! In the healing journey things become clear at random times so this knowledge is crucial 👌

I appreciate the clear distinction between the narcissist and avoidant. Mostly, how this video is not about a showing a villain and a victim but instead it talks about two human beings who have engaged in dysfunctional patterns of behavior, and then elaborates on how to recognize and react to change that dynamic.

The part explaining the Avoident being open and fun in the beginning was them letting their guard down was genuinely helpful. It brought about a greater sense of closure for a painful but nonmalicious situation. Now, I gotta focus on not being so attached. Being that way feels so unstable.

So good to have you break down the differences, and characteristics of each. The avoidant is often the hardest to recognize is not what you want for security and trust. However the reasons they are there, that and their self-storage always damage a relationship and belies the things they say, and later can't follow through on.

Mine turned out to be a *orn addict amongst many other addictions. Addicts can behave very narcissistically.

You are saving lives with these videos Jimmy. Thank you.

Along with bragging about being selfish as if that’s a good thing when you are claiming to love someone and wanting a relationship/partnership. Like whoa 🤯

This was the best comparison I have heard between distinguishing the narcissist vs avoidant. Thank you so much for your videos, they are helping me to move on from my avoidant ex. So much damage to my self worth, confidence and self love. Before I knew about attachment theory I wondered if I was suffering from narcissistic abuse but the differences you mentioned show what I was really dealing with. TY, TY, TY ❤

This was the best video I have ever seen. The way it was all explained makes perfect sense. Thank you

There are many different types of Narcissists. Most people only know about Grandiose. There is also Overt, Covert, Communal, Malignant & Antagonist. Then there is Neglectful Narcissist - who is very similar to an Avoidant. You are right about being a Codependent. You need to love yourself first. You have a right to your own truths. If you are there for the other person all the time, you will never be happy.

The hardest part is understanding that the avoidant I trauma bonded with only did it because she loved me as much, if not more. The way her eyes would get lost in mine and the longing for connection I felt in her touch was only proven more real to me with the level of her discard. It hurts to walk away knowing she's wounded but it's not my job to heal her. I can only hope that our loss is the last step for our mutual healing apart. it's like seeing a wounded wild animal caught in a trap but you can't help it because it would tear you to shreds in the process of rescuing it.

Thank you this video! It’s like narcissism is a new hammer and everyone is a nail. Narcissism is the explanation for all varieties of toxic relationship these days and it makes it incredibly hard to repair fixable relationships.

Thank you very much for this video. ❤ I have been doing the 'self help' route for years but never heard of an avoidant. Everyone believes my husband is a Narcissist but I knew he was not. My father is.😂 I was calling my husband an "Ostrich" but after this video can see some areas where I have been making things worse. I am long past the point of desiring a close relationship with anyone but am happy to be "single" with less conflict and unrealistic expectations while sharing an abode. Once again thank you🥰

The narcissist is more extreme on the avoidance spectrum and becomes entrenched in a cycle of toxic shame, which in turn either diminishes or eradicates their capacity for empathy. I think avoidants can lack empathy in conflict and can hold long term resentment, but their empathy is otherwise intact.

I have formed compassion for Anxious/Fearful Avoidant/Dismissive Avoidants/Narcissists. None of us chose to become like this. This does not mean we have to remain in the relationship. However, ask yourself the question: who is it serving to hold on to Anger/Resentment/Fear? Is it serving you? Is it serving them? We all shared (and some of us continue to share) the same Void. Best focus on working on yourself to find ways to fill your Void by other means (i.e. Spirituality), by taking responsibility for your part in a difficult and toxic relational dynamic and if the other person is failing to be accountable, take responsibility, then that is your cue move on gracefully. There is no point trying to change the other person - this is an outcome based, controlling and manipulative approach; whether you are an anxious preoccupied or an avoidant/narcissist. See them for what they are and if you are unhappy, move on. Trauma bonding will lead to betrayal of oneself and the other, pain and more pain for yourself and others. Is this what you want?

That was beautifully clear. Thank you

The Holy Spirit is so in you. You are full of it ❤ it is so beautiful

I was in a situationship and very often I heard that she had "narcissistic traits" and every time I said she wasn't, she was extremely lovely and would never hurt or manipulate me or anyone else on purpose, and now it hit me, we don't have anything anymore, yet she's still the one that I most love in my life

As an avoidant on the low end of the spectrum, i would like to say that i just dont want a relationship. it has nothing to do with being hurt or broken and not trusting people, it has to do with really enjoying the space and freedom i have. I love hanging out with people but when men start wanting to push for more, i feel suffocated and smothered because i dont have interest in coupling up and like you mentioned in the video, they try to "fix" and "force" and that makes it really uncomfortable and icky. I want peace with no responsibility to others.

This is one of the best, most thorough, must receivable message I’ve ever heard on this thread topic!!! I don’t think all avoidants are narcissistic, but I believe ALL narcissists ARE avoidant!!!

I wish I could like 👍🏻 this video for 1000 times… I’m in tears 😭

Jimmy, I think you have just given me the best advice ever. You just saved my life. Not just emotionally but physically. I believe you just triggered a little me inside and the willingness to stand up against something I felt powerless against. Going through my divorce I realized I am that anxious partner doing and allowing everything you just mentioned. Thank you for this boost. You touched my heart, my childhood and darkness. I believe now I know where to heal from. Thank you!

This is Spot. On. Thank you!!!

His wife is blessed to have him! And why isn't he a counsellor or coach though!

Thank you for pointing out the importance of not throwing out labels. But when they also give to the relationship? I see this is more avoidant. But, can they grow? I hope to grow my entire life....can they? You never deserve to be called stupid. True. How do you point this out to a good person who has this communication problem? I observe A LOT. I see they self correct when given time. How does one introduce a boundry that feels....good for everyone?❤

This was AWESOME!!! Well done ! Thank you!

Thank you. I know I still have a lot of healing to do and that the relationship I'm in needs a lot of healing. Hearing what a healthy relationship is and described in such an easy to understand way really helped clarify things.