Top 5 Caregiving Mistakes to Stop Doing Today 

I lost my Mother to dementia the 15th of December 2021. I always watched your videos, because her doctor's could not help me. The only answers I got were no one really knows how it works. Through your videos I was more able to help my Mother and my self. I really appreciate you being there for me. I kept a journal of my journey with my Mother. I found playing games with her a great help when she had a bad day. When she didn't want to take a bath or get up to go to the bathroom, I would play a game, we would go to the bathroom and quack and walk like a duck. I would make up silly games to get her to eat. The hardest part for me was when hospice came in and she finally could not walk and she ended up in a hospital bed. I still played games with her to get what little bit of food I could get in her. I tried to make every day count. I still miss her but when she left me, I was glad for her. She will never hurt or suffer again. I know she was happy because she wanted to be with my Father. Tomorrow my Father will be gone for 4yrs. I took care of him when he had bladder cancer. I lived with my parents for 10 yrs and I am so thankful God gave me that time. I hope each and every one who is taking care of a love one has the precious memories I have and enjoys their special time with them. Thank you so much for your help and God bless you!

I guess I'm fortunate. My husband knows he has dementia and is not afraid to discuss it. Even though he's in stage 6 most likely. He knows also that he needs help and is not resistant to help and in fact is very cooperative and appreciative. He also has the ability to joke about himself and laugh about is mess ups. He's at the point of needing help in almost every part of his life but is so thankful to get it and our relationship is probably more loving and close than ever. I guess it's very different with each case. We've both accepted this for what it is, and daily trust and rely on the Lord.

I am really struggling. I've read all the books, I am a nurse of 40 years w a doctorate, I am now taking over more and more responsibilities, and trying to do all the things that must get done, bills, overdue taxes, business things, all the while husband W D thinks he is doing well , making good decisions, handling all things just fine... But is being forced to retire, thousands of dollars in debts, unanswered emails, so many problems... He can't remember anything day to day.. the stress is almost unbearable... I'm drowning.

Love your content but I'm so lost why am i the only one here to help her??? I don't know hat to do. No one else in the family will step up to help, they only tell me what I should do after their 20 minute visit once a month... I don't want to do this anymore. I want my own life

Dr. Natali, As you are here for us, we are here for you. You never ask us for support so here is some support from all of us. You had a tough emotional day, we understand and support you and your feelings. The Q&A today, logic over emotion, great one. Emotion is always there, logic helpd to step back and then act accordingly. NEVER FORGET! We love you and all you have done for us! Where were you 8 to 10 years ago? The world is so very lucky to have you now. You're tough, you come through for thousands of people every day. We hold you up, we hold you high! We love you Dr. Natali!

You are correct about doctors sending you home with a diagnosis and no information or directions. We are left to research on our own. That is how I found you. I hope you know how much you have helped people and will continue to help. Thank you.

These are perfect. I cared for my ex-father-in-law until he passed. I don’t think he ever knew I was his caregiver. If he was having a bad day, I just went out and came back in as if it was the next day. I smiled and was happy to see him! He brightened up and things were fine. I always asked if I could do this or that, like “would it be okay if I help you clean up before we go for a walk?” He was always grateful. We had a 30 year history.

I'm guilty of all 5 of the top mistakes and probably more. You are absolutely 100% correct that there isn't enough training, support, or resources out there for caregivers once there's a diagnosis. Thank you for creating this channel! I look forward to learning from you.

she made a good point. don't let your whole day be about helping, or correcting. I sit with my client and watch her favorite Hawai Five-O because our day is better when i am her friend, not her caregiver.

with my grandmother, she used to sit at the tv waiting for her favorite western to come on the TV for 2 hours. I downloaded the whole group... all the seasons (Gunsmoke) it was on my PC.. we could watch it any time we wanted. It was a win-win

I can see I am doing things wrong , but can’t seem to help it , it’s very hard & I cry all the time

Thank you for your helpful videos! I am about 7 years into my husband’s diagnosis and it is actually getting better all the time. I am one of the lucky ones, he is easy. My key to success is exactly what you said in the video, I had to change me because you will never change the person you care for. Don’t neglect yourself and be the victim, do everything you can to make your self happier, treat yourself to special things, otherwise you will be resentful. I had to learn to love him all over because it’s all different now. My life is actually better now, and I am so grateful.

This is exactly what happened to me in the beginning...I had no clue how to handle different situations. And I just realized that I repeat #2 every day...."I'm just trying to help you!". I'm stopping that dialogue now! I so wish I had found Dr. Natali 5 years ago! Now I tell everyone that will listen to follow Dr. Natali. Your life will be so much more pleasurable.

Treat people with compassion. Just love them. They need love not anger. If you feel you're becoming resentful, practice self care, detach for a moment & remember that they were young too 💞

We embraced my husband's dementia because.... it is what it is. When he first got the diagnosis we were mostly relieved, better than the dramas and psychosis that plagued him for a few years. That had been a miserable time and I was his target. Knowing what it was, made our lives better. We ended up with a good medical team, the right meds after a few months of trials, government pension, did all the legal paperwork while he could still function and we told people what he had with no shame or hesitation. 7 years down with him at a moderate to severe stage and him sitting most days with his own thoughts, I think maybe his life is not so bad, no decisions, no bills, no driving, no responsibility, not answerable for anything...... perpetual holiday of the mind. It's then I think he's the lucky one. I just get the work.

I have become a caregiver for an 86 yo with dementia and last weekend I binged your channel last weekend and boy the information you have is amazing. I have applied this with her and it works our first week was a trial. This week everyday was a great day. Thank you for your awesome information.

I’m took my dad to the neurologist last week for an early appointment because he seemed to be getting worse. He prescribed a new medication seroquel. Then I asked if he knew of a support group for my stepmom and I or a book to read. My stepmom is not online. He didn’t know of any support groups but did suggest a book. I went out and went a thrift store. I found 3 books on Alzheimer’s. One was called something like one couples journey with Alzheimer’s. The other was a book for caregivers. The other book I kept and I am reading. it is called the 36 hr day. I also follow you and have been watching your channel. You have been a big help. I have been trying to share the information you share with us with my stepmom. I feel so bad for her and my dad. She really is clueless how to deal with him. It is heartbreaking. He is such a sweet man but the confusion really gets on her nerves and it shows. I am trying to be there with them by phone on my work days, and in person on my off days. It’s a 25 minute drive one way. I have gotten two speeding tickets and have a clean driving record til now. Hopefully in court they will only make me pay court costs🤷‍♀️ I’m always in hurry up or panic mode since my dads diagnosis. He has other health issues as well. Thank you for this channel. You are a Godsend!❤️🙏

My husband has vascular dementia I find this lady has been of value and of great support in understanding this disease she has helped me along a very difficult path.

1. Don't remind them they have dementia 2. Don't highlight that they need help 3. Don't correct then (unless truly necessary) 4. Don't make everything about caregiving. ( Maintain prior relationship) 5. Don't take everything personally

A great list! I have worked in nursing homes and sometimes things are so hectic, but you have to pretend the patient you are with now is worth listening to, engaging in a fun group project., or whatever. It help when my husbands PTSP got really bad to be in that moment with them, laugh with them, listen to them so they know you are on their side. Even when he forgot me he still knew I was a safe person who did not lie to him so he didn’t get paranoid. He had 3 trips to Vietnam, because he wanted more me or women to come back alive. He said he thought being a sniper was a great honor, but that was shooting targets. But a sniper remembers the face of everyone they see in that scope. It is very haunting to go to sleep and dream of such chaotic times and see it happen again. So our hours of sleep were trouble at times, but lots of laughter, dancing in the living room and being together helped a lot. We need to know that person we love is still there and continue as long as possible to “ invite them” to do things which you both enjoy all the time. If it is no, it is okay, May be in 20 minutes he would ask me, like it was his idea. Me ; Wow I would like that to. When do you want to do it? He was still the man I married and cherished my time with him. Been gone 18 years this summer. Still miss him.😊❤❤

Before watching this video, I have failed on #'s 3 and 5! #3 LOWVD is inclined to tell me to do stuff, when I have so little time for myself anyway. So the other day when she was more lucid I explained how much I dislike being told what to do! In short she later came and gave me a hug. #5 My LOWVD stopped cooking a number of years ago, so I took over that duty. Soon enough that was burning me out too, so I started buying "delivered home cooked meals". Not the cheapest but easier! Another weakness I have is, I will always be in the same room as my LOWVD but not always in view because often she used to verbally insulting me! Here's a BIG ONE, during our 49 years together, access to our big screen TV has NEVER been a source for an argument because I will always find something else to do.

You made all the difference for me caring for my sister with dementia who is now very happy and content in her assisted living home! In The beginning I thought I had to correct her and I learned from your videos what not to do. Great advice! Thank you so much❣️

Your tips are just golden. I've incorporated a lot of them in the dementia ward where I work here in Norway, with great success.

Hi my mum has an obsession with burning legs sensation! She has been checked by her GP and the results were inconclusive. She is in remarkable good health for 94 aside from early dementia! However her housing manager has reminded her to use the helpline that she wears round her neck if she feels unwell…..she now presses it if she wakes in the night and can’t get back to sleep….. they in turn call me but thankfully so far it’s a false alarm! I don’t want her to not use it in case there’s a valid reason but being called regularly in the night is distressing for both of us!

Thank you for your tireless advocation and tips, Dr. Natali! Not only do I work in memory care, but I just lost my father to vascular dementia a week ago. I have thoroughly enjoyed your videos and sent them to my family so they could have a better relationship with Dad with the time he had left over the last 2 years. I am determined to do all I can to keep this education going and pay it forward. It is shocking how many people come to me sharing a loved one's diagnosis and asking for advice. I always direct them here, among other resources. It seems to be a growing epidemic which breaks my heart. :(

I’ve made every one of those mistakes and more. Obviously I realized something had to change. Your videos are very helpful. Thank you. 🌹

Great! At last I come across someone bringing into sharp focus one of the very topics I’ve been banging on about ever since my wife was diagnosed (here in Scotland over a decade ago). The way I put it is that we carers are placed in the position of firefighting when we should have the equivalent of fire prevention officers telling us (a) what to expect and (b) what to do when it does happen. I suspect that in the UK we are still trying to overcome the view from medics that they know best and don’t frighten the carer with knowledge, especially when it comes to matters like psychotic episodes, which hit me from left field like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t a clue what to do. The other area which I fear the professionals over here pay scant attention to is ‘anticipatory grief’ when the loved one goes into a care home. The view seems to be that it’s OK now for the absentee carer, as I call myself, he/she are being looked after and you are now able to get on with your life. No recognition is given of the heart-breaking circumstances of losing your best friend, wife, etc, and the sense of isolation and the threat it poses to the carer’s mental health in those circumstances. See chapter 14 of my Dementia book for my views on this. I wrote 2 books on my experiences under the pseudonym Bill King (available on Amazon, all proceeds to local dementia charities) and am working on a series of RU-vid presentations about Parkinsons/dementia. They can be viewed and the books accessed by title: Parkinsons, the slippery slope to dementia and Dementia what every carer needs to know. Thank you for speaking up for us. Rex W Last

Watching these Careblazer videos has totally changed my stress level for the better!! Thank you 💗

Another first class video from Dr Natali. She really does educate, inspire and give carers the tools to do the job. How many medical professionals understand the stress and heartache of dealing with a loved one who is fading away on a human level? Very few but not Dr Natali. For point 4, may I add please dont make music into a therapy. Music isn't a therapy, its the backdrop to life and the key to happy memories like nothing else. Let's use music to spread happiness the way it was meant to be so find out what your loved one enjoys and turn up the sound for them!

Great video! Thank you for addressing the medical frustration. That is always in the back of my mind, “am I doing enough medically, or am I chasing a unicorn because there is nothing new and nothing definite that can make these diseases better?” I’ve learned to focus on the day to day quality of life. Video is on point.

Your videos have helped my sister and I with our moms care. We both have made mistakes for sure. These are going to be incorporated asap. Thank you so much. There is no way financially we could even think of a care facility. Plus I promised she would never go. She'll pass at home.

Thank you for all this helpful information Dr Natalie! I see I’ve been reacting emotionally because my husband has dementia which certainly has not helped the situation. I will watch this over and over and change how I am handling this dementia.

Real valuable video info. The process of getting the paperwork court placement and stuff stressed me the most. I could somewhat deal with the dementia with my aunt and we didn't discuss that with each other. But, the other part behind the scenes for care was a nightmare. Finally got a conservator for her and that's a big relief. Now, when she gets a place Facility, we can have much fun and things will be more satisfying. For her first, then family next. Things can change anytime. From good days and bad days. But safety and care are so important. It takes us with the team working together.

Dear Natali, Your Videos and advice continue to be a great support to me as my wife continues her progression from caterory 6 to 7. This video in particular shows how I have fallen into making several of the mistakes which you have highlighted. Hopefully, the "learn and change" will make life easier, especially for my wife, even at this late stage. It's now December 25th 2022 here in "OZ" and wish you and your family all the best both for Christmas day and the New year.

I am supposed to become the caretaker for my inlaws and all of this terrifies me. In the last few years our relationship has become increasingly fraught and tense and my position has shifted from beloved relation to somewhere on the antagonist list. I now go out of my way to avoid them because I feel as though I have been put into this "problem fixer" category while nothing I do is ever alright and am at fault no matter what. I dont think I am going to make it if my husband dumps his parents on me. It's all I can do to handle him and the disasters he leaves in his wake (from basic hygiene to health management to substance abuse). I feel as though I have been managing an overgrown toddler with next to zero life skills for the last 30 years and am about to inherit another two while he is either away working half of the year or at home needing attention, then getting on my case because I am not doing anything important with my life. Trying to navigate the family at times feels like juggling emotional nuclear bombs while crossing a minefield. I am terrified.

Thanks, this video is excellent!

You are awesome Natali!! Thanks

Guilty of all these mistakes…. Thank you for teaching me exactly what I needed. ❤🙏

US health care system sucks ! I had my husband home 18 years and in long term care 6 years and no one helped me !

So how do we change and make things better if the relationship was already strained before dementia?

Thanks! This is one of your finest videos EVER!

I do all 5 of these mistakes! I have a lot of changes to make but now I can work on all 5! Thank you

Really needed this today. I am having a difficult time fighting off my resentment. This is the kick I the pants I needed! Thank you!

Excellent. I follow similar guidelines daily . Wonderful . Thank you for sharing

🙏 I am learning so much and I will do better from now on!!!! Thank you 🙏

You are such a good teacher!❤

Thank you for this advice! My biggest one is #1 reminding & #3 correcting! I have to get better at this!

Very very helpful insight!

Excellent!!

I'm so glad to have found you. It was about 6 or 8 months ago and I've learned so much! I did all the things wrong. I did them to varying degrees and not on purpose but my actions still taxed the caregiving process. The safety issues overshadow our days because my mom is unable to comprehend why I am here. It makes no sense to her. I forgot what this is called.

Love your videos. They are so helpful!

Thankyou. I feel the longer I am a caregiver the more mistakes I make.

I will be working to reduce corrections. As far as the rest of it goes, you have made me feel so much better about how well I’m doing, which I am extremely grateful. I’m going to celebrate all the things I’m doing pretty well, and really turn my Violinist/teacher brain on the arena of correction reduction.🎉

It's absolutely correct - knowing what you should NOT do is more important than knowing what TO do. I have worked with Dementia patients before, and now dealing with my father who is toward the end of his journey.

Beautiful Dr Thank you xxx🙏

Dr. Edmonds, this information is helpful not only for dealing with dementia patients, but with all other people. Relationships would last longer and be more caring. Thank you.

Thank you!

This is very useful, thank you very much.

Dr.Natali you're exactly 💯 percent correct. I wish that the doctors would give this advice when they give you the diagnosis! It's so hard trying to figure it out on our own. God put you in my life and I am so grateful for you! Thank you so very much for helping us out and for caring for others. I swear I could listen to you all day long. You are awesome at speaking and teaching and so full of knowledge as well. I'm so grateful each and every day for you! May God bless you and this whole family of Care Blazers I love how everyone is ready to give someone a hand up when it's needed. So many wonderful people, stories and problem solving suggestions! ❤to all. Have a beautiful and blessed day 💗💗

You are a god send. Thank you.

I will watch this 100 times , so much help , thank you.

Your videos have given me more information than any doctor or Memory Care Team my husband has been to. Thank you so much 💜

Thank you for this one,,we are still living,Mr f is having delusions recently, and it was hurtful I acted like a jerk,quickly apologized he still has his wits and is a survivor and still has inspiring outlook,,I've been with Jim in his beautiful home 2 Years now,,thanks for listening miss Natalie your the real deal and I've studied your teachings ,, my role as careblazer is pretty depressing. But he's a cool dude, all the elderly want is respect,,and this man gets that for sure,,,tks

Outstanding video, I'm lucky mom has a great disposition most of the time, but I actually follow all that advice. With some failures along the way, of course.

My partner has ftd and our relationship died in the early stages of the disease years before he was diagnosed. I do none of these things and he still is so awful to me. This disease sucks

I wish I had seen this video years ago. I definitely made all these mistakes but learned not to do them as part of the learning process. Right now we seem to be in a good Rhythm and I am enjoying our time together. There are times I feel sorry for myself and the retirement life that we no longer can make happen that we dreamt about worked so hard towards. I think I’m lucky in that my LOWD (wife) always had an optimistic personality. That seems to have carried through even with the dementia. We’re about 4 years in since her official diagnosis (and I realize now that she had issues starting 10 or years before that). Her doctors seem to have hit on the correct dosages of medication so right now we are in a good place. I’m praying that lasts as long as possible as I can’t imagine a life without her. Thank you fDr Nattily for you videos. They have helped us so much.

Thank you so much for your videos. My aunt was diagnosed with vascular dementia and we lost her 3 years ago. I hadn't had anyone in our family that had this and when I found your channel, it was and still is a Godsend. Since my aunt has passed away i have shared you with others that are being careblazers for their loved one. God bless you for what you do.

I have over time done all of these. My dad 96 has spiraled in the past year so he needs more help and has finally decided its ok. My mom 98 was diagnosed 20 years ago, she has accepted her memory at this point. She still does so much, laundry, cooking, going to parties etc. She ca remember about 5 minutes and has started forgetting in laws and grandchildren . She still loves to go. many people are creeped out over cameras. They changed my life. My parents forgot them as soon as i put them in. I can go out and check on them with my phone

Oh wow I’ve been doing most of these things. Good to know. Yes don’t make it personal. I will work on this.

After watching this, I realize that I am the problem. And I can correct it by recognizing these 5 mistakes. I wish I had seen this day one. By making every one of these mistakes, I have created havoc in our home. Everything has been a battle. I pray that by changing my attitude and approach, I can eliminate so so much conflict. I think I have just been scared of the disease. Thank you so much!

This video is so important. Thank you for all your amazing informational videos they help me so so much 🥰. God bless you for all this great information ❤

I like and appreciate this!

Thank you so much.

Great advice Dr Natali, 3&5 are the ones l like. Keep up the good work.

I appreciate you. Thank you for sharing and advising us care blazer’s like you do. BTW I did every single one of these not so long ago!

Thank you I was doing all of these.❤

i did live-in for my first. the thing i wanted most was relief care so i could get out and be myself for just a couple hours. dementia care is not easy. My current client is going from 1st to 2nd stage. I have to explain to the family how that changes for them. Give your caregivers a little love. They are juggling families, friends, and the world for your loved one.

Thanks!

I am a new caretaker. My first client was an 82 year old male, with stage 6 dementia. WITH NO TRAINING AT ALL! I was shocked and appalled. Thank you for my training because it is all I have to fall back on. They told me for my first assignment it would be EASY!!!! The first thing the nurse said to me when she saw me was, HE IS HARD TO HANDLE. HE IS A PUNCHER AND A CHOCKER. Thank God he didn't hurt me. I was kind and patient with him. He was very calm with me.

Thank you.

Too bad the public cant be educated on these things...especially all family members of someone they think may have some type of dementia.

Amazing ❤

0:58... i learned that listening at this point establishes a baseline to where you can insert yourself safely

Great video. Should be played by every doctor right after diagnosis.

Very helpful tips

i made all of these mistakes continuously with my mom and i wonder why the already stressful situation was getting more and more frustrating because i am clueless on how to make it easier on both of us

Thank you :)

family tried. failed, remebered how that went, wont forget. and learned

Well thank you for helping me see what I've been doing wrong. Sadly I've been doing all 5. I well have to think more before i react to a situation. I get very frustrated because i get criticzed on how i do the dishes, how i drive, my hubby can't drive, doctor's order's. How I look at him if I'm not understanding him. The lists goes on. So my reactions are sometimes not kind. I get accused of having an affair with our family doctor who was the little boy who lived next door to us for 20 years. He now hates going and has to come with me to every appointment, which before he didn’t want to come with me just to get out of the house. I use to correct him but have gotton much better of letting him think something is true even when it isn't. We've been married for 57 years and my life is no long enjoyable but i try really hard to be as kind as i can and try and be patient when he is trying to do something and i know i can do it faster. Thank you for your videos. I have prescribed and will be watching your channel. Wendy from Canada 🇨🇦

well I guess I win, I do all 5 :-) , will work on changing them, thanks Dr. Natali - very helpful

We just had our first neuro appt - it went exactly like the one you described...

Yes everything you said in the being no information from physicians

Thankyou

Yes, avoidance is so crucial ...

# 3. I am getting better about not correcting him. Yet tend to chime in sometimes, when he tells me in advance what it is that he's going to say to others. Recent example. My husband is calling people/businesses a lot on the phone. This past Monday, he told me he was going to call the library, to see if his last book returned was processed back into the system. He kept saying yesterday, and said yesterday over and over. I stopped him and said that no, the library was not open yesterday. And invited him to think about what he was going to say to the librarian. Should have let him make that call w/out correcting him.

8 years in this field, and i still have more to learn.

I'm having the same about my moms Dr. The visits to him is useless. Will not follow these 5 steps. I've tried so much and it doesn't work. My honest opinion.

Thank u

My second client was my grandmother, dementia. my current client is first stage. I'm all ears.

when you respond to them accusing you, remember, they lost something important to them. sometimes its a favorite plate they can't find. sometimes it's a favorite blanket, doll, crystal candle, or binky. it might throw you off guard. To them, it means the world. It is a hold on there past that they can't let go. You MUST, let them finish thru there obsession, afterwards, comfort them.