@@newman0311 Still though, if you add up a week's time of dishes and changing oil for lets say 2 vehicles. Dishes take longer. Also you're not changing the oil weekly, but you are doing dishes daily.
I don't have a car, or a drive way... Do you really need to pressure wash a drive way and change the oil once a week? Sound more like twice a year chores or something...But idk.
@@Asa...S we don't have a car either, my man knows nothing about cars, can't even drive (I can). But my family had when I was young, but never ever saw my brother orb father fixing it. Since we have flat no need to mow or clean outside. And when I comment thoose things, men offended and say, "there are things also have to be fixed inside the house". And I'm like "what??? How recently?" 🤣
@@Asa...Sthey're called "performative chores," in that they don't really need doing, but they mean you can avoid doing actual chores if you do them when other chores need doing.
To everyone saying that this is how first dates should go: This level of honesty first requires a certain level of self-awareness, and that level of self-awareness requires you to be this honest with yourself.
My ex "honestly" told me he's super loyal and wants marriage before our relationship began. By the end of our relationship, I found out he wanted many partners sooo so much, but he was in denial due to society judging him..😅 Dude made another girl cry after me too..
@@ivrine96 This wouldn't work. An abusive person would say years because they kept their victim trapped. Someone who dated a cheater might have a short relationship because their partner was both bad at commitment and hiding it.
Why the hell would I want a potential partner to not know these things about me, and live a life in constant fear they might find out or secretly hate it… tell them the problems up front, and what you’ve tried to do about them, and what you’re open to trying
nicely said! yeah there's a big difference between pretending and covering up what you're supposed to be doing and trying your hardest to do that thing and being honest about your failures and struggles. :)
The purpose of moving slowly with emotional vulnerability is to be able to build up trust and connection with another person. It doesn't have to take months, but knowing that it's safe to be that level of honest with another person is an important hurdle to clear before engaging that degree of honesty. That said, I've found that the older I get, the better I am at determining whether it's safe to be that honest with someone much more quickly. 😂
@kilo3989 Same here!! With age comes a whole lot of wisdom. ❤️ You can build up what you think is trust but truly wasn't. They were in the "job interview" mentality long enough before they showed their true colors. I prefer to know who I'm dealing with early into the relationship. At my age and wisdom, it won't take long at all. I will have a pretty good idea on the first date. That's what working on the inner self will do. It heightens your gut instinct. 😊❤️❤️
I think red flags, are different than having human faults. But, his only being committed to things that only take effort weekly/monthly/quarterly is a red flag.
@@anomalousoddity Wise choice. I would have done the same. 😂This is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to not clean up after themselves in equal and shared proportions. My current partner made fun of me for the way I have folded washing since I was a child. He told me, "you are not doing it correctly." (It was my first time doing our washing in a shared capacity years ago) And I said, "Oh, is that so?" And he said, "Yes, it is so." And I said, "Alright then, show me how it's done then." And so he did. He said, "See, now that is how it should be done." And I was like, "Well since you're so unsatisfied with the way I fold washing, you have just proven how capable you are, you are doing it for the both of us from this point onwards. Congratulations 👏🏼"🤣🤣🤣🤣 and he paused and you could see the, "Damnit! I just walked into that!" Look on his face. 5 years on, I only chuck all the washing in the washing machine and dryer and dump it on the counter in the laundry for him to fold unapologetically 😂 and so he does. 50/50 in equal and shared proportions. 😂
My husband and I did this. Date was so great, we knew we would get married in the future. Still madly in love almost 9 years later. Neither of our toxic traits were a dealer breaker either.
@blossomuk I guess I should start off from the beginning? I met my husband in college. First day, first class. The first person I met. Lol. Neither of us were actually supposed to take the course. It was an intro class, pointless. We became friends. I had a bf and didn't see him in a romantic way. He was the coolest guy there and known for 2 things, his incredible kindness and his incredible afro lol. Now I'm a weirdo and had a locker in college, and he saw that as an opportunity to hold my books for me and walk me to my locker after this class every MWF. I enjoyed our friendship, but it was short-lived. I didn't attend the spring semester and never had his number. In the meantime, I met my 2nd bf. I went back to school for a 2nd fall semester, and we were friends again. It would turn out that my 2nd bf would dump me right before winter break, and that's when my husband and I hung out for the first time. He would have parties at his house and take me places, but we weren't "dating." I had a crush on him, and he liked me, but I wasn't ready for a 3rd bf yet. By the end of winter break, we had hung out every day and only kissed maybe twice. One day, he would drop me off at my job, and I wouldn't see him again for years. He told me the reason we lost touch is because I didn't answer his 1 phone call and never called him back(I was at work when he called), so he got it in his head that I didn't like him anymore. I thought he didn't like me anymore either because of the lack of contact. Fast forward a few months, and I met my 1st husband. My future would be a baby and marriage at 21, a few months of separation at 23, and a full separation at 25. Fast forward another year or 2, and he would message me out of nowhere. We hung out that night until 5am. Closed the bar and went to a 24-hour dinner. It's the one in Silver Lining Playbook for a fun fact. Anyways, we knew instantly that we would be married one day and that this was it. Both of us had thought about each other as our "What ifs" and held a candle for one another. I told him I wasn't going to cook or clean for him because I had been little miss suszy homemaker for my last husband, and well, let's just say, I had PTSD from that marriage. He said that was perfect for him because he loves doing those chores. I told him I can get clingy. He replied with he liked clingy. He told me that he can get angry but only for about 5 minutes, and then he calms down. I told him that I was used to anger for days, so I could definitely handle 5 minutes. After this date, we hung out every day, which would lead to moving in with me. We waited months to be intimate and for him to meet my son. And we've been together since. I will say, we had a year of problems where we separated in the same house (3 or 4 years ago), but ended up getting back together and are stronger than ever. We had a daughter and named her Hendrix in 17 and got married in 18. Life is a dream being married to my best friend. He's the best dad and husband a woman could ask for!
@@maddyfarraj-realtor2084 Thank you very much for your wondeful love story, sister! I am so glad for your guardian angels and higher selves keeping those candles lit for each other in your hearts and listening to your hearts. : )
Once a week is being generous af. Oil is about 4 times a year, he's pressure washing once a year at best, and mowing the lawn is maybe every other week. Cooking and dishes alone are a daily task 😒
We need more dates like these and more talks about everyone's toxic traits and shadow sides, instead of so much late blaming each other and victimisation. 12/10
Ditto 😆 I love being brutally honest with everyone.. it is natural selection so I only get the men that I actually want...and now my soulmate is exactly as I am 🔥🦄💖
@@user-wv3tg7wi6j Personnaly I am too honest too. By honest I mean that I show my whole personnality with my flaws (especially if I want to create a connection with someone) to the next person without hiding It. I hate the flirting phase where everyone is trying to show the best version of themselves so I prefer being honest from the start. And yeah, some guys dont like It🤣🤣🤣
My exs jeep hit 125k miles and I worked on that damn thing every other week for 2 months. Legit spark plugs, breaks and calipers, passanger side knuckle, fule pump, rear sub frame, crank shaft sensor, ball joints all the way round. transmission and power stearing flush.
As someone that's been both the 'internal' chores and the 'external' chores person including everything listed. I can confirm the internal housework takes much more cumulative time and is way less satisfying
And also mow the grass and fix things in the house. I like fix things in the house, I like to build Ikea furnitures, my husband has no clue how to do it. I painted the rooms, built the table, changed the toilet seat. It is fun for me actually, but we don't buy a furniture/wc seat every day, nor want to paint the rooms or so... And I also like mowing the grass I find relaxing (we don't have a garden, so no need to do it).
Hilarious because it’s true. I think what is so great is how the characters just casually drop these bombs and then the convo goes on like they are just discussing the latest Marvel film.
Yes men love to do the occasional chores and leave women with the everyday soul crushing chores. My husband has turned around we both clean two rooms per week next week we switch. Took me 20 years. Of course I do the rest of the house and cook but he does the dishes. I have it so much better I fear than the average wife. Do your share or deal with a resentful wife. A smart man knows the right choice.
Sometimes it is choosing acceptance over resentment and finding other solutions. We pay someone else to clean the house every 2 weeks. I cook, clean up, and load the dishwasher. (He knows how to feed himself if I don't feel like cooking and is appreciative when I cook.) Kitchen is mine. Laundry is also mine. Taking care of 2 cats is also mine. I take care of paying the bills...mostly auto pay. (All joint accounts). He takes care of landscaping, washing cars and misc. I take the cars in for the oil changes and arrange for home maintenance. I am retired. He is still working full time. This works for us.
After 22 yrs, mine decided to finally help out with dishes, but in his own way! I run the kitchen like a machine, dishes are done every evening so I wake up to a clean and tidy kitchen. Now that he's "helping" dishes are done every 3rd evening, so there's always dirty dishes in the sink!! It's driving me insane, how is this helping? I oftentimes need one or two of the dirty pots to cook the next meal, it's infuriating!
@@blueberriesrfine5538 My husband and I have nowhere near the same length of relationship as you and yours, but one thing that works for us is when there are dirty pots/pans I initially wanted to use I use it as an opportunity to get creative. Or sometimes I ask him to wash the one or two things I need to cook in exchange for cooking for him. I typically do chores while he's at work, so when we have off days sometimes we have things in the sink that I need for cooking so this way it takes a little bit of the mental burden off of me and makes it easier for me to cook. It's honestly such a small thing but I really appreciate him for it.
...Toxic (emotionally) wounded types who "think nothing's wrong with themselves", unlikely to seek therapy (usually prompted by their bewildered partner), harbor unresolved traumas, unlikely to change, & likely to get worse over time...
@@d0v3Tai1you just described my bf in detail, as if you knew him... The worst part is that he thinks he's the greatest and wants to do a podcast/open a school (basically influence other people) to teach them "the right way" (basically to be like him).
@@anemptyspace Oh, Wow! BTW: "he thinks he's the greatest" = 'GRANDIOSITY' [another narcissistic trait] -- other potential traits to be aware of: "conversational narcissist", "cerebral narcissist", et. al. What's interestingly relevant is that while its a spectrum disorder (a wide range from mild to severe) anti-social personality (ASPD) types tend to operate out of the same: "Narcissistic Playbook"! [It's ALL about themselves: constantly angling for: CONTROL, DOMINATION, POWER, maintain the upper-hand over others (*"narcissistic abuse"), & towards their own EGO BOOST, personal GAIN, ADVANTAGE, & BENEFIT] ----------------- * Post-narcissist stress disorder (PNSD) is a specific form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that may occur after a person has been in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. ----------------- Glad that you're aware of his alerting traits & realize what you're dealing with. Pls. stay safe & especially take measures to protect your sanity, tranquility, safety, & health -- as "No Contact" is the usual recommendation, on how to deal with & especially "AVOID" such "toxic", "high-conflict" types, bent on self-righteousness (has to be "right" & "win" all arguments), aggression, oppositionality, rage (Road Rage), etc. Other resources that may further help identify additional telltale traits of narcissists, sociopaths, & psychopaths include: * the DSM-5 (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-5) -Dr. Hare's Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) [The tendency to Re-Offend, "recidivism"] -& "The BITE Model" (Behavior, Information, Thought, Emotion) of Autocratic Control by Dr. Steven Hassan. - "The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, & Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Physician Dr. Bessel van der Kolk [Narcissists make other people literally sick with various mysterious autoimmune disorders & other stress-related illnesses: asthma, eczema, fibromyalgia, cortisol spikes, high blood pressure, adrenal fatigue, headaches, diabetes, etc.]
I literally put in my dating profile that the world would be a better place if we were all just open and honest with our intentions from day 1. It would save a lot of time and feelings.
If only two people could be that honest early in dating. Would save each other from wasting each others time. It will be up to each other to accept or let it go.😅❤❤
@evakurl No, they wouldn't. But they will show you which is even better. Sadly, a lot of us ignore the red flags in the beginning phase of dating. I'm speaking from experience.
I actually changed chores for a month with my partner as a fun experiment she suggested. We got to week 2 and gave up lol 😅 Both of us sucked at doing the new tasks, and she hated a couple of things so she gave up. I sucked it up but deep down I freakin hated doing the cleaning around the house. The only thing that remained from those times was that now I’m always the one cleaning the bathrooms because I’m a clean bathroom freak, so I insist in doing it. I go scorched earth on each bathroom once a week, bleach the entire thing, flood the bathroom, deep clean everything. That bathroom isn’t usable for a day due to the bleach smell, but hey, it sure is disinfected 😅
My narcissistic ex and I always argued about the chores. He did 0, and his reasoning was that he’s ‘the man’ and he does all the driving whenever we needed to go places, looool. And when I was off of work because I was having our kids, of course he had another excuse which is he’s at work all day. When I say he did nothing, I mean not even lift his plate up from the table to bring it to the kitchen. Not even go to get himself a glass of water; he would blame me if he ever felt dehydrated. I’m there thinking, I’m doing everything to take care of our kids and home, I even don’t have time to take care of myself. And according to you, I have to remember that a healthy, grown man with 2 legs and 2 arms hasn’t drunk water today?
Comic Relief is GOLDEN! 👍 It's what draws viewers, keeps them entertained, brings out authenticity, while coming back for more to: learn, share similar even novel isolated experiences of previously unrealized recurring common patterns, be solutions-oriented -- in order to lead better, satisfying lives.
Tbf yeah It's good to know what you're getting into But also first dates aren't really the time to dump about your innermost flaws since there's no emotional connection formed yet
@@JustJess-xw5cr'Tis better to read the tea leaves (& red flags) early on & not settle nor tolerate posers, emotional manipulators, deal-breakers, non-negotiables: "next!" -- than waste precious time that you'll never get back.
Mr. Jimmy, why do ppl do that though? The whole super into you and when you return the interest, they get turned off? That seems so backwards, how does that habit and thoughts start?
People who are subconsciously matching a childhood relationship where they were not loved and accepted. To them it's a turn off if you are loving and accepting. The old daddy-issues stereotype who likes bad boys.
A number of reasons. Maybe it's simply an ego thing where they feel validated that they could "get" someone they feel attracted to to like them back but were never actually interested in the person. Maybe they are attracted to emotionally distant people because that's how the dynamic was with their parents so they are primed to get overly affectionate and "earn" love because they feel that is normal but when the other person genuinely reciprocates those feeling sit feels unfamiliar and scary. Maybe they are genuinely self loathing and feel a compulsion to show the other person they are worthy of love but get suspicious when the other person believes them (ties into that second one). They also mentioned that sometimes they are just "in a fighting mood" so it's possible they have had relationships in the past where they mistook the emotional roller coasters of instability as passion, so they find a relationship where things aren't emotionally intense as "boring" or "not real love". They are more interested in the adrenaline of toxicity or emotional insecurity than in genuine intimacy. Lots of reasons
people who get 'super into' others have a habit of craving affection because they never got said affection early in life. Deep down, they feel the reason for this lack of return of interest is because they are unlikeable. So when interest is returned, they think 'what, you actually like me??? but there's nothing to like about me except how badly I _want_ you to like me' and then get turned off, because they think you're stupid to be interested. It's kinda messed up and really sad
@@ajregalia1334The "thrill of of the chase", "need for novelty, excitement, & surprises" wanes (for someone prone to boredom), Push-Pull dynamics of a Fearful Traumatized Disorganized Avoidant may be at play.
Can you do a video on some toxic traits and how to overcome them? Honestly. The seeking approval trait is a big one for many people with all the insecure attachment styles.
there's no easy fix for 'seeking approval'. It requires genuinely investing time and patience into yourself, finding hobbies and loving yourself- which can be pretty hard to do all alone. someone suitably detached from you but who will also push you towards healthy pursuits like a therapist will help for severe cases if people can't take the first step themselves.
@@xdxdxdxd4575Some dysfunctional personality disorders may also have a genetic factor (nature versus nurture; or nature + nurture), as well as inter-generational "normalized" ingrained modeled behavior: "it's all they know". Best to root these out -- early on -- to save yourself from heartache, frustration, & negative health outcomes (e.g. various autoimmune disorders, et. al.) -- stemming from narcissistic abuse.
At least you know all the red flags now. Positive development, I think. Also not normal but at least now you know. No need spend time and get to the point when she finally shows you she loses interest. Now you know from the beginning.
I do all those chores. Gotta say, I fucking hate doing the yard. I really really hate it. I do dishes more than daily, and I'd rather do that. I think it depends on your yard size, and your quality of mower. So maybe one day I can afford a lazy boy...sit on my butt ride around mower.
I'm that weird person who loves to cook and don't mind doing dishes at all. What I don't like is cleaning up all of their stuff like you know that random stuff that they leave on the dresser that actually belongs in the garage..... Or like the trash they take out of their pockets and they lay on the dresser instead of putting it in the trash can. But hey I guess I'm picky or so I'm told....ugh
@@d0v3Tai1 but do they expect you to clean up their messes? And if they do is that okay with you? Being in a relationship does not mean that you are the maid or the mother
@@sharicoburn5475Depends on the narcissist (self-centered motives apply, overlaps in these traits): * if they feel above mundane chores -- sense of superiority, grandiosity, status, leveling, "I'm better than this" * over-indulged & spoiled by primary caregiver(s) -- such that they're not held accountable to do chores (nothing is ever their fault, so tend to blame-shift others who are accused of being "OCD", "crazy", "nuts", "insane", "too sensitive", "taking things too seriously", etc.); sense of entitlement & to special treatment * God-like/ "I'm the Master" (manipulator) expectation of SERVITUDE from others, hierachical one-upmanship, dominance, power, control * modeled unkempt behaviors that may stem from multi-generational habits: "it's all they know" * "I don't care" snooty attitude; "not my problem", "not my job (to clean up)" * lazy, Parasitic, Exploitative, propensity to "cut corners", take short shrift, short cuts", expend least amount of energy towards the greatest amount of gain, benefit, reward, advantage, does not play by the rules * Weaponized Incompetence: "feign innocence"; thus absolve themselves of any further responsibility; pretend to mess up (so, rely on you to do things the "right way"); Take Advantage of your Kindness, Ambition, Generosity * Passive Aggressive (hidden anger - subtly disguised to be acceptable in society): "Promise" to clean up, then don't (leaving you to take the lead to clean up & cover for them), etc. *GOAD, BAIT, PROVOKE: enjoy seeing you emotionally REACT & seethe with frustration & anger as they step back & watch you take charge with the cleaning * SCHADENFREUDE: narc derives smug malevolent SADISTIC pleasure from others' pain, suffering, torment, sadness, frustration (as you become UNHINGED, get under your skin, get a rise out of you having to clean up after the narc) -- it makes them feel SIGNIFICANT in CONTROL of how you react * Extreme "All or Nothing" "Black & White" thinking; Gender-based polar biases & expectations; "You're either FOR me...or AGAINST me" * Narcissist's self-protective coping ("Teflon") measures: Psychological Warfare, Narcissistic Abuse, Emotional Mind Games, Verbal Abuse, DARVO (deny, attack reverse Victim-Offender status), Emotional Abuse, Financial Abuse, Physical Abuse, Gaslight, Blame-Game, Criticize, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewall: Even though the "wounded" narcissist is the (real) problem -- the narc will make it seem as if: "YOU'RE the PROBLEM!". It's unnerving, to say the least! Nope, definitely not OK with me. Agree with your last statement (sadly these dynamics exist in real life). Interestingly, as an extreme example of this: heard a story that a "grandma waited hand & foot" on her "imperious" "bossy" "domineering" (narcissistic) husband [One-up/one-down, master versus servant dynamic, "I Lead" (dominate, control)/"You Follow" (compliant)]. [Many times these dynamics stem from their (traumatic) childhood: Adult Children of Narcissists (ACONs): their 1st bully narcissist happened to be their own parent(s) -- because, it was also "all they knew", perhaps multi-generational, it felt familiar & comfortable, despite its dysfunction, continuing maladaptive behaviors into their adult lives: lack of boundaries, inability to say "no", prioritize others before one's self (people-pleasers, fawning), lose one's identity to the dominant figure, afraid to speak up, fear of "walking in egg shells" of anything that might upset that narcissist, etc.]
I've had boyfriends that leave trash in my car like use my car and leave trash in it so yeah I do expect them to pick up their trash same thing in the bedroom if they're leaving a mess in a shared bedroom I expect them to clean it up
My husband and I are kind of like that, he takes the dogs out and scoops litter boxes, I do dog washing and haircuts nail grinding med management etc. I do daily dishes/vacuum and most of the laundry, he does the yard and cars.
It takes a real deep sense of self to know all your toxic traits so well and then have the language to express it. Wish it was that easy. I’m all over up front honesty.
@@positivevibe7684& at the same time, remembering to cautiously "keep your cards close to your chest" -- if you suspect you may be dealing with a hard-to-detect conniving Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde "wolf in sheep's clothing".
I do this all the time. You’d be surprised how many people run, but all the ones who stayed have been there for me for the long run, through thick and thin. So I’d recommend this personally. Not trying to waster anyone’s time
Well, there aren’t many of us left, Infamous; but the few of us still around absolutely love this!! Why waste 2-8years to find out who someone really is, when it’s so much easier to be honest and avoid all the miserable, resentment filled years? I’ve always been brutally honest about myself and my traits, in the very beginning and I ask people to do the same. I only have one life and I have no idea when it’s over. I’m trying to enjoy it, save time and skip over wasted years! I also completely see how it weeds out the fair weather friend types and you end up with quality people. Not to mention, it’s gotta be so fkn entertaining for you!! 😂 You’re a real gem, Infamous!! ❤
@@emilyjoeblow9755 Glad there are still like minded people😂 I’ve had too many people leave when they find out stuff about me when I open up later on in the relationship and I don’t think it’s fair to either of us. Also I’m at the point where I’m no longer ashamed about my trauma and issues and like to be open about it. I had a friend message me that she’s been able to start talking about her mental health because I’m always so honest about what I’m feeling and thinking. It’s refreshing to know people really know who you are and love you for that person and not a facade. Thanks for your kind comment. Having a hard day and this made me smile!^_^
That would actually be a great idea! Instead of: amping up our expectations and impressions of each other to a point where disappointment is absolutely guaranteed we'd find out, if our weaknesses are bearable for our counterpart: maybe they'd find it quite easy to deal with them. This idea is absolutely genius for today's dating world!
If this was a real thing I might actually consider dating again! I’m turning 29, single since 23 for medical reasons. I’m severely allergic to bullshit.
I've never started for this reason. I'm nearly 25 Every time I started to consider a relationship...I see red flags and think to myself "wait a sec...maybe don't jump in here" and it usually fell apart pretty soon after. What're your toxic traits?
After my first failed marriage (and witnessing my parents failed marriage) I would have thrown that wine in his face hearing that he had no intention of taking care of the Shared Activities of Daily Living
The night i met my boyfriend I told him I have control issues. Here we are, 4 years later, happily in love, and in the healthiest relationship of our lives 🤣
What’s crazy about all this is people end up living alone and doing everything on their own anyway😂😂🤦♀️🤦♀️. Just a thought, along with so many other problems in relationships nowadays.
At this point in my life, even with a decent partner, that still sounds way better. Things get done on my own time, my way with no b*llsh*t way for someone else to insist on.
Therein lies the conundrum -- as years go by, while it's a plus that someone's independent -- by doing things by themselves, one also could get "set" in their ways -- possibly unable to compromise, negotiate, & adapt.
U dont know why but I actually like this! As for me I wouldn’t really judge a person based on their toxic traits (it’s part of their past and nobody should care) for me Its all good as long as the person likes me and my cat 🐱 If he says he hates cat then that’s good too 😂 it saves time for me to quit on him
I didn't have the ability to name my issues when I met my husband. He figured out pretty quickly they existed, but my therapist is the one who figured it out. She hoped she was wrong. Toxic mother and both my parents were unstable.
Let's turn the toxic date into a toxic morning meeting in a high volume store. I am not going to clean the graffiti in the bathroom. I have no problem standing behind the register ringing customers up.
Every relationship I've had with a man has involved him acting like he's 15 and he doesn't need to look after himself domestically. They all mistook me for their Mother. I lose interest in blowing someone who plays the child role. 🤮
