Understanding the Psychological Patterns of Alcoholism and Addiction 

My husband is currently in rehab. He initiated it. I'm so proud of him. Prayers for us please.

11:43 - They start to train you that if you bring it up, if you confront me, if you start saying something is an issue, I’m going to act so ugly, that you’re going to regret bringing that up. And every time you do that, I’m going to act that way… wow.

I have to thank you for finally leading me to evict my guy friend after 7 years. He is a drug addict. I'm older and turned 70 in August. I wanted to be happy by 70! I watched your video months ago on a list of things that I had to experience with him. I had all but one! But, I did it! It's been 5 months without him, and I'M HAPPY AGAIN!

13 days sober, never tried to stop drinking before but my alcohol use landed me in the ER and then a week in the behavioral hospital. I'm suffering extreme depression and anxiety after medicating with alcohol for over 10 years and I feel so much that I couldn't feel with alcohol. Watching lots of videos and started AA, but getting out of bed and talking to people is extremely difficult after isolating myself for so long.

Yep I've done all these myself. 598 days sober for me!

Sadly I lost my husband of 42 years to alcoholism five months ago. I was at the end of my rope and he lost all hope. I listen to you to learn what transpired and to educate myself as part of my grief.

You read my mind I did think about sending it to my husband. I'm a grateful member of Al-anon married 20 years my husband was sober for 24 years and broke his sobriety. My boundaries have become quite clear. I got a horse and a part time job and I easily identified with what made happy and what doesn't. I truly the only one responsible for my own happiness. No longer codependent or OCD except maybe with horses! Amen

10 hard years i was addicted to cocaine, never ever thought I'd get out of it alive but here i am nearly 3 years sober 🎉 I had accepted i was going to live and die an extremely lonely and depressed person, but now I'm 6 months into the perfect relationship that I never thought would happen to me! Unreal how much sense this video makes to me as i felt everything that was mentioned.😮

My sister Ann died April 2023 we are now awaiting Coroners Inquest She lived alone and was totally isolated Lived a terrible life for about 2 years before death Yet I continued to visit did what I could when I visited Brought in carers etc…. Kept her house running She just had no motivation to do anything but drink I am on here because it helps me understand this dreadful disease Gabrielle Williamson

My head is nodding so hard it now hurts.

I’m nearly 11 years sober from alcohol. By the grace of god. I’m desperately needing serious help for disordered eating and waiting on insurance for approval. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Glad to have this space to share with everyone and great channel, ty for teaching ppl about addiction and everyone here sharing ❤✨

I was an addict and I would say not much thought is involved. It's actually all impulse. That's why Meditation is so great. You learn to feel the impulse and sit through it and let it pass. If the addict/alcoholic says they aren't addicted or they have control it's their ego trying to repress that fact which is a coping mechanism. The bigger the ego the longer & harder the fall.

My husband is a heavy “weekend” drinker- it ruins every weekend & we end up fighting - he sees it as his reward for working hard all week - I just see it as ruining every weekend that we should be looking forward to. He won’t stop as he thinks it’s his right to do what he wants after a week of working - he doesn’t think he has a problem but it’s been going on for years.

So I just relasped and started posting my journey for Help. I'm trying to not be so selfish in this selfish disease that I struggle with. I have made all the excuses in the book to drink and I'm done..working on being a better person and taking accountability for my actions. Addiction takes everything out of me literally EVERYTHING. I'm getting back on the right track and working on my relationships with my parents and loved ones.

Yes I’ve been through all the stages . My person is my child. I’m listening to everything you say. Thank you for saying all these things, just talking about these things, helps me, get through life. It’s been killing me for a long time.

My substance abuse stemmed from an intense self loathing produced by emotionally negligent parenting and child sx abuse which I blamed myself for. Once I got the psychological help to explain to me, I am not the problem, I'm a victim, the self loathing disappeared and the desire for mind altering substances left me. Diagnosed Complex PTSD, I'm well into recovery.

Back when my husband was drinking, my mother-in-law always told me you knew he drank before you married him that was like her favorite line to throw in my face. It always got under my skin. One time when she said this to me I asked her what does mean ? That he can’t change he can’t get better? I should just accept it? She didn’t really have an answer for me. I finally had enough left him with our eight month old. She was mad at me for taking away her granddaughter, not acknowledging or recognizing the danger her son’s alcoholism was putting her in. I made her go over and stay with him while I left and he went to rehab. When he realized I’m not going to live my life with a drunk anymore. He has been sober since. I have been able to move on from the trauma from the alcoholism has caused, but I’m finding it a hard time moving on from the words his mother said to me. love your videos. Thanks so much.

✋️. I am a very grateful recovering addict. I am 2 years sober and just started college to become an Addiction Counselor. I have learned a lot thru experience and from you and I am extremely grateful!

My husband is about to be out of rehab. Im so very proud. Prayers please for continued sobriety. Self initiated 😊I just pray he sees after 5 yrs it's time to just be free from the devil. Thank you for youre amazing videos ❤😊

Wow…..like she is literally reading my life and what happened with alcoholic husband. I left with two kids because of anger issues…..took a year to kill himself with alcohol and on his deathbed he blamed me because i left. Tragic

If you are a heroin addict and you have been to rehab 9 tines or even a few times and it "doesn't work" get that person to a MAT program. A medicated assisted treatment program. I am a pill addict... The only thing that has ever helped me become clean was getting into an MAT. Yeah at 1st it feels like trading one drug for another but it is clean, u don't know what you're getting on the streets and its monitored by drs and nurses etc then when you're ready while working on your recovery you can titrate until you're completely off. It is the only program I could ever have done. Just trying to detox and get off and play sober in 30, 60, 90 days.... no way! They demonize the MAT program but it helps more then many know. I'll be forever grateful for it.

I lost my 35 yr old son to alcoholism 6 months ago after 2 years of estrangement. I tried to contact every single month but he lived latterly I think in isolate with his wife . A shared psychosis that seems to have warped everything. So sad and such a waste - was brilliant but complicated.

❤ I adore this video! I am trying to carry as many people up the stairs with me as I go on my journey to overcome my addictions. Thus, this video is ideal for supporting them 👌

Hi Amber - I'm in Australia so I'm watching after this live feed. I want to commend you for this channel and the Sanity that the teaching brings to my life. Using your techniques has helped me to cope, and therefore, within two years I am seeing my son take his own steps towards Sobriety ❤❤❤

Thank you for your time

I've been a addict for many years and I completely agree with everything your saying. I'm currently trying to get off benzodiazepines , since my partner died 2 years ago I've been using xanax or diazepam, even before that I was a addicted to opiates which I no longer use. I'm greatfull for you because you have given me some inspiration and I think maybe strength.

Amber...you are the BEST! I have been listening to your videos and incorporating your techniques and using you suggestions and THEY ARE WORKING...AMEN!

Excellent points. Thanks!

I am so happy I found your channel. Thank you for doing what you are doing 💕

Over the last 35 years I’ve often thought addiction can be a form of self harming

You are an absolute God send Amber!❤❤ I've indulged in sooo many of your videos, it definitely helps keep my brain busy vs worry, and knowledge is always key! Truly, a great WONDERFUL human you are!! Thank you for all you do w your time! I hope you know how appreciated and loved you are just for being you! ❤❤

👍 my son admits he’s a drug addict and says that’s just who he is. He doesn’t want to get sober or get help

You have made a huge difference thank you so much

I'd like to understand why alcoholics often see themselves as victims in life in so many aspects of their lives. my DUI friend who put a man in a wheelchair cried to me about his name being in the paper, and not being hired at this job and that due to his record. They don't understand that the victims are everyone around them they're effecting for real.

Thank you for your advice. I hope that we will understand the danger of addiction from all those dangerous substances , and others that spoils our well being. until it is too late to fix it .

Keep up your powerful work in making these podcasts it really has helped me understand my poorly understood sister

You are so smart. Lot's of people derp themselves into self-help channels but I feel like you are actually a smart person with reasonable advice.

If you’re not an addict you will never understand.

Thank you for helping me come to terms with the fact I am an addict. I recently got a Naltrexone prescription and it helped me bail before the owning it phase. Hearing you talk about what I was going through makes me realize how blessed I was to get out. I'm not even a religious man but maybe it's time to change that😂 I know I have a lot of work to do to keep it this way...but this helps

To TRULY heal from addiction you must question EVERYTHING in your life... keep asking WHY until you the get to the bottom about everything around you. Why I'm I in this job, relationship, etc and then ask sincerely what they want from life... true recovery will mean profound change for yourself and it will inspire those around you. If the changes are not profound then relapse WILL come. The recovery process should make you highly self aware and humble to put that will be able to spot individuals who lack self awareness (even when they are not drug addicts).. you'll almost become a master of human behavior and psychologically.

I'm 26 Months Sober and doing great 👍,,,no more depression,,, cool job,,, good sober friends 🙏,,

Thank you SOOO MUCH for your dedication, commitment and love to educating people on such a massive topic as addiction. This was an awesome video I’ve shared far and wide! 💓🙏🏽💓

Yes wil pray. Easy to get into hard to get out but if u are ready for help ! Im proud of u all. Ur husband did the right thing. Wil say my prayers now for him and others who are suffering. Amen x

🙋🏼‍♀️ heard all of these comments, even started to question if I was in fact being overly critical of my partner. Thank you for validating

Your videos are very helpful, I'm learning and already know situations and dealing with one in particular, very sad for me and difficult to let this person go, at point no other choice

Glad I found your channel Amber!

Hey Amber, I came across your videos a few weeks ago and I have been watching them ever since. My husband is an alcoholic or heavy drinker, since watching your videos, I realize I've been going about everything wrong. We have gotten in so many fights over this. He tells me that I am trying to change him and that I need to just accept him the way he is. He has a very high stress job and he says he needs to drink to decompress. He say that drinking is his vice and the only one he has and I should just leave him alone with it. He usually spends most evenings, that he's not working, sitting on the back porch drinking. He also can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. I feel like all of this comes from his family life from when he was growing up. I believe his father is a heavy drinker and he learned the verbal abuse from him. I believe he, his mother and his sister were all abused by his father, and the difficult thing to see is that he idolizes his father. His mother passed away about a year ago and it just escalated his drinking along with suicidal thoughts. When he fights with me he very much gaslights me and one of the first things he asks me is if I want him to leave. I know this is a manipulation tactic so I haven't said anything when he says that. I feel like I'm at the end of my emotional rope and if he says that to me again, I will say yes I need you to leave. I understand that it probably won't get him to stop drinking, but I need it for my own mental health. Thank you for doing these videos, they have already helped me so much!

Im currently in Bad guy role. My son and DIL are both in denial, i was doing pretty well, but called out what was happening thru texts to DIL and son texted me back, calling me delusional. It is so hard having to deal with this while he is married with 3 kids.

What if he isn’t denying his addiction but says it is all he has to do is go to bars and drink? I’m referring to an ex, who is always looking to our daughter to bail him out. He doesn’t see how he is destroying the only person left in life who really cares about him.

Thanks!

Surely u r n will make a diff wth ur persistent, intelligent info n understanding n lovin desire to help, thanks

Just began the end to our marriage with two kids. For years I've been trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing wrong and what was going on. Everything was wrong and backwards. Then I began studying alcoholism. It's heart breaking. My wife, the sober one, is an amazing woman. Such a sad story...

Really good - thank you 🙏🏼

What stage of denial is someone stuck in if they are trying to get sober, like literally telling you so every few days how they want to give alcohol up completely but still keeps falling back into old behavior, and avoids conversation about any messes they create while under influence? Any tips for family members going through this situation?

My biggest problem with the addictions of my loved ones is that when they are impaired they change and are not themselves and you never know when that's going to happen. It feels like being robbed or they're being kidnapped in a way by the drug the alcohol. They defend it so hard and bring up all the problems they have with me if it's mentioned.

Thank God I found your videos. My father was an alcoholic and this explains alot as well as men I have been involved with and my sister as well. Alcoholics have a high risk of not getting sober something like 2% make it. Alcoholism has been described as a slow trudge to the grave and that is what I have witnessed.

My addicted daughter is in prison and in her early 30s. Her psychosis is out of control and she often brings up something that never really happened as a reason for blaming me. Last time it was.....continued

Lost my ex husband of 25 years to an meth/fentanyl overdose on Dec 10. I had to divorce him, and am struggling with this. 😢

I have heard and experienced most of these scenarios.

Unmanageablity has far more to do with how the alcoholic or addict feels inside rarther than the obvious, extetnal "drama" and "jackpots". It's a common misconception thats it is all the external chaos, its the inner chaos and insane thinking (ie: self loathing, depression, lack of accountability, etc ) that creates the external shitstorm.This is why just stopping drinking or drugging never changes the problem since using is just a symptom, not the actual problem. This must be understood before anyone can get into honest recovery.

I wish I had looked up this video before my inability to communicate with an addict led to their arrest recently. It’s a bummer

Have you done (or could you) do a video on the physical changes during recovery. E.g. anhedonia, tiredness, etc. thanks for all the wonderful content.

As an addict myself, it’s horrible to have problems with addiction. I truly want to stop my addictive, obsessive behavior but at times it controls me.

Thank you it all helping me ❤❤

Hello Amber, my partner is in the last phase. He has started drinking again about 8 weeks ago after being completely off it for 4 months. During this time his physical and emotional wellbeing, as well as increased clarity, was amazing to see. He said to me so often how good he felt, how he is not going to drink again, he could see how alcohol was not good for his life. Two months ago after his mother passed away he started drinking again. Just every now and again. Daily now, I think. We are currently separated. Last week he said he is giving up working on getting our relationship back on track. Said he tried and can not see this all working out. He is also ok with drinking again, said there is nothing wrong with it. It feels like he is cutting his ties with me and just wants to be left alone. How do you get someone out of the last phase, the phase were they just resign to the fact that this is how it is??

Been through addiction all my life, drugs were everywhere where I come from, first doob at 12 first chase of the dragon was given to me when I was 14 by a 37 year old guy who was taking advantage of my mentally ill mum after my dad died she was so vulnerable and I never knew any better.. point is had my dad lived that person would never have been there and I'd never had taken it... so and so many years later I'm still battling H addition, at this point I have reserved the fact its gonna kill me one day, but I've made my peace with that.. I see people in less fortunate situations than me every day I pray for them, I pray for everything and everyone.. even lucifer as even tho he is the so called deciever.. whos praying for him.. remember love thy neighbour Even in the bad times you can still choose to be good, stay safe everyone. Thank you for the video more awareness, the better.

Absolutely correct !

I am new to this channel. The two I've seen have the highest ratio of (information and kindness)/ length of video. Most Utubers with this quality manage to make it 15 to 30 minutes.

Truly in the midst of spiritual warfare...So difficult ❤

I have a son who have aalcohol problem. I am a solo mother and I used to force him to go to school earlier years. He had dificulties in learning, reading and writing.

This is a question: I would love to hear advice for husbands/father's dealing with an alcohol addicted wife. How do you deal with the teenagers who recognize and almost give up with it all. How do you deal with it emotionally when you want to figure out the best way to help your spouse when it seems like you are the only one trying?

I have heard versions of all of these denials. The anger attack is where we have spent the most time. I have most recently heard a combo of all three denials. Once in a while isn’t a big deal, as long as I don’t go overboard….. you knew this about me when I met. I have made so many changes, can’t you just be happy that I fixed these other issues? And the coup de grace, my substance doesn’t contribute at all to his mood swings and uncontrolled behavior. Honestly it’s exhausting.

Yes I know it feels going on for 7 years so keep it up you will do think positive and keep going you owe to family and your self

So much much word salad. I didn’t sober up until my sponser in AA told me “ you either quit or you end up in psych ward, jail 14:22 or in the cemetery. Plain speaking and to the point stopped me from looking for more excuses to keep drinking. Only one alcoholic or drug addict in sobriety understands clearly and can see through the lies and denials.

I have been with my girlfriend for 41/2 years. She used to drink a bottle or more of red wine Monday to Thursday and at the weekends she would drink 3 bottles. She has a very high paying job and she is very good at her job. She stopped drinking Monday to Thursday and that was amazing. In the week, she was the best girlfriend. So loving and caring. At weekends, she would get really drunk and sometimes would become verbally abusive and start arguments for no reason. She has in occasions became physically abusive. She would always promise to stop drinking but would only last a few weeks then she would be back into it. She would call me controlling and she can do what she likes. She would drink again then start verbally abusing me. The next day she would be guilty and then do it again the next weekend. I really love her but i feel like ive lost myself and my self respect.

Yup. Heard them all. My best friend of 30 years died in 2019. My younger sister died in 2022. My mother is in a care home with korsakoff's dementia. All alcoholics. Its so common and has left me without a family.

Great content about addiction! I had to share this 🤔 🙏

LOVE your explanations on this subject. How would the dynamics of different addictions effect say a band?.. if one addiction was heroin/crack(this person also dealing with the abandonment for a father at a young age, thinking he was dead, but he was really just running about taking drugs. For him to look up his so when he’s famous , use him for money and drugs, leave the son again and get clean, leaving his son badly addicted and struggling), another cocain, another’s alcohol. THANKYOU for your time

One Sunday afternoon I poured myself a drink and lite a cigarette put the glass to my mouth ,then a voice that was not my own said to me put it down and stop ,which I did and 11 years later I have never had the urge to drink or smoke again you are left with a big hole to fill which wasn’t easy and still isn’t but as long as the craving stays away I have learned to deal with it . Everyone’s life improves when you are not drinking there is no solution at the bottom of a bottle ,don’t lift the first drink and you can’t get get drunk and and they are good lessons to live by .Every thing this lady has talked about was me but now I wonder who that person was .The feeling of guilt is overwhelming but you have to slowly forgive yourself and realise you just can’t change the past there is loads of help and therapy out there to help you take advantage of that you won’t be sorry .❤

QUESTION: if a person is in the last phase you mention, how to proceed / break through those mechanisms so they can finally commit to Their recovery ?My ex BF accepted his alcoholism a while Ago and know It’s had an impact In his life. he said he’d work on getting over it, but he couldn’t do it and it’s worse Than ever. He’s a functional Alcoholic but is resistant to recovering. He’s in self Sabotage and self destruction mode and “it’s who I am” was his last phrase after we broke up last week . “We’ll all Die anyways “ is the other one… he’s a complex Case because he seems sober always and hides his alcoholism very well. What do do in this case ?? Thanks for all the info you share on your videos !!!

👋 bro died last April, lost job next month, not worked for year, about to go back to work, in between that been depressed! Drinking n smoking. Alone in house. 56 soon, female... lot of long stories.. I'm listening to learn!

For quite a while with my alcohol addiction. I justified me not being an alcoholic because I didn’t drink during the day

🙋🏽‍♀️i have heard all of these!

My father was an alcoholic, he knew very well, but would be released from hospital for alcohol and buy spirits on the way home. A dreadful experience of patched up clothes and shortage of food. Eventually I walked away from trying to help him, zero contact. The experience is useful now when approached by alcoholics who want money or are threatening.

Love this

Hi Amber you have such great insight and information. I am wondering if tou have been in active addiction personally, not everyone around you? I have a family memeber ive been directing your way and this is a question that keeping coming up. Ty for all your help.

Amber can you do a video for people who have a loved one in prison for their addiction? Is it possible to support their sobriety, while they’re doing time?

Hello Amber, I just stumbled on you. My husband has a real drinking problem. Has had for many many years. And yes I have been guilty of all the advice and accusations also that I have directed at him over the years.... I am sure you are familiar with our pattern..... He is killing himself though... we are long time married over 55 years and in our late 70s. ❤❤

My sister is so self absorbed, she doesn’t care who it affects, it’s all about her issues.

OMG, Amber, when I heard you describe the puffer fish personality, later say sometimes you have to take your hands off the wheel and then reading echo 12345's comment, I realize the same overlap with my step daughter relationship but with no addiction. If I remove the "addicted" word it matches my situation perfectly. The strategies, psychologically, with a wounded person seem to be the same. The bad guy, victim mentality mindset is also identi al. Ir seems to boil down to them taking accountability and responsibility for their bad behavior. I am currently backing off, just hoping her and my husband can work on their issues (that were there before I came in the picture). Don't know if or when I can re- establish a she/I relationship, cuz I strongly get the vibe now she wants nothing to do with me.😢 I have thought maybe I am dealing with Narcissist but still trying to figure it out. From what I see there is a lot of entitlement, lack of remorse, no reciprocality. Leaves me in a verrrrry awkward position. The boundary mindset you mentioned at the end, saying you won't engage when they behave this way (even being mean and disrespectful to my husband via text) is my MO right now.

I'm learning so much from listening to your videos. Do You think that you could do some videos specifically about food addiction, because that's a big one, too. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and a few who are definitely food addicts. To be honest with you, I don't know which one is worse, overall. Our culture glorifies food and encourages over eating in so many ways. It's not the taboo that drinking too much or taking drugs is. The food industry does everything it can to make people eat more no matter where you go.

I’m on day 27 🎉 , I feel great, got my life back, I’m eating like a horse, I’m on 16 mil subutex , it’s great to be alive after 2 years flat out, I just had enough, I just had enough of drug life, I’m lucky to have my wife still❤, I just want people to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel ❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏

He is the 2nd to the last category. He just gets angry and i almost never bring it up and really havent, but we are to the point that the car insurance is almost 2000 a month. So....i dont know what to do except divorce to save me financially. I dont have the patience although ive been well educated isn most of your methods before even finding your channel. Ive known so few people who have revovered (not just got sober) im ready to throw in the towel. Ive been around addicts all my life and what you say is spot on.

This weekend coming.. i'll be 6 months sober 🎉

I really recommend Chales Duhigs book the circle of habit...a truly engrossing apostle....Que...Routine...Reward...

FROM ESPAÑA LISA AND BBM SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS..

I was trying to relate to this, but it was kind of funny. I just have like a phone, internet, games, snacks addictions lol 😆 like noo don't take it away from me

👋Thankyou really useful info 💛

My last addiction was smoking - I’ve shopped that and now on vapes my. Peak flows gone up 100 in a few days.. next it will be the vape 💨 ❤

So helpful ✨💯✨ but the visual lighting is off ... Unless it could be my eyes to keep making it dimmer and brighter! 👁️👁️