true first i thought that i am like him felt the need to of validation but then i saw im somewhere a mix between a validation and hedonism. If I know beforehand we just would not be able to have sexy time before the date regardless of how good the date is, i would not write back anymore if its online dating. but I also craved the attetion of beautiful girls and of course most of the times the 8,9 (in my scala) never gave me the attention. Thanks god im not doing this anymore such a fucking toxic self destroying "hobby". Everyone comes to the point in his life and he sees how stupid it is spend hours on these apps looking for sex and validation sacrificing his inner peace for short time pleasure
This comes at a perfect time. I just suddenly got dropped by this girl I was talking to, which was previously telling me how amazing I am, et cetera. The chemistry was amazing and I felt like a million bucks while it was going on, but now struggle with issues of self-worth. I blame myself somewhat, because I went from cool and carefree when we met, to investing way too much time into her, becoming needy in the process. Granted, there were many red flags on her part, but I indulged. Time to move on and focus on myself.
@@timothyv it's okay bro. We discover where we have room to grow from these experiences. They put you on the path towards the best version of ourselves but they are not exactly fun at this stage. Take this time to reflect on where this neediness and low self-worth comes from and be patient with yourself. One day, you'll realize that you've integrated everything you learnt and have 0 regrets. Everything will work out my man
@@UncommonSense Thank you for the kind words. I realise that my time on this earth is limited and there is no need to dwell on the past. I am grateful for the nice moments we had and wish her well regardless of some of her actions. This is an opportunity to reflect on the transient nature of all things. As to my own neediness, it is just a remnant of my scarcity mindset of my teenage years, which still rears its ugly head very occasionally. I just cleaned my apartment, am in a fasted state, and am going to workout today. Things will be okay.
Okay, little live update on the situation, for any readers interested. Seems like she replaced me immediately with some other dude. Think I might have dodged a bullet here. Godspeed to any brothers out there going through something similar. This too shall pass.
Went through the same thing so I can relate. She put me on cloud 9 for a couple of months, then the avoidant flaky behavior started, and with that a few months of riding an emotional roller coaster, before she monkey branched to the next guy. I felt like I was getting sucker punched everyday. My brain was a dopamine addict that didn’t want to let go because of how good she had initially made me feel and it was straight up torture going through the withdrawals. But after about a year of being depressed and just making my way through life, two months ago I decided to go for a run and I haven’t looked back. Now I’m training for a marathon, working out at home, eating right, and I’ve dropped from 220 to 210. I’m 5’11” and I have my eye on 190 which at 46 I haven’t been below 200 since my twenties. With all of that said - you got it right, focus on yourself and enjoy it!!!
@@universalmonster4972 Thanks man, I'm very glad to hear that you are doing well for yourself. I appreciate the kind words, your situation sounds almost exactly like what I experienced. Every day is a blessing and an opportunity. Godspeed.
This only works if you are not insecure, which you can only acquire when you reach a position where you are genuinely happy with your progress and position in life. E.g. you are jacked and shredded, you know you are in great shape. If you don't get external validation it is meaningless because you know it deep down you are in your best place. If you are not in your best place you will always seek validation.
I think it is because one really believes that one needs validation, one won't get self-secure with this belief running the show. Attack the belief and the insecurity will go away.
@@elitestar if I told you to get good at something and your choice was suicide or smoking or drug usage you made the wrong choice. Pick something that will improve you as you improve at it. Not something that will degrade you. I started self studying Japanese 4 years ago. And it taught me more than just a language. Discipline, restraint, focus, acquisition. You need to put down the drugs and pick up some knowledge.
its crazy how youre messages lately have really popped up at the right times. Going through some low self worth but you bring me right back to reality holy shit man thankyou
When I was teenager I felt bad about myself, girls were not interested in me, I felt ugly and stupid (I am 186 cm tall and I weighed 64 kg). When I was 21 I started working out, which I could say saved my life. Now I am 28, gained 20 kilograms with bodyfat in around 12%, my self-esteem is skyrocketing, still no girlfriend because I got used to women not being interested in me, but I have recently noticed that girls are flirting with me in job and staring at my in the gym. I do not know the rootcause, maybe it is age, maybe it is my physique or maybe my self-esteem or rather all of that, but at this point I don't not need validation from women, because I put myself first. Thank you for your work, I really appreciate it.
almost 50, impossible to get any sign of sexual interest from women. But I think is because they are pauper and all they care about is being saved from poverty.
its hard my brother, but not too hard, the next time you see a girl staring at you, and you are REALLY interested in her, take couple of deep breaths , imagine the most masculine person you can think of and go be a chill guy and talk with her about the gym, the workout whatever, if there is chemistry either ask if she would like text later or invite her to do something on the spot. good luck man!
But if everyone started not liking muscular physique would it still feel good? Think about it. What if a switch flipped and suddenly all the girls wanted fat guys? Would you still train in the gym. We are programmed by society.
Your point about reflecting on the relationship one has with their own mother at 5:36 is resonating with me. I have been interested in psychoanalytic theories, especially those from Sigmund Freud.
man, thanks a lot for being real. I find myself falling into the exact same mindset as you mentioned, wanting to talk to girls, even wanting to hook up, for the primary reason of validating myself, thinking that if that happens, I'll finally have a relief that there's at least some woman out there willing that I can finally use to complete the purpose of reproduction. Honestly this has let me down to very stupid path and I have sabotaged the few good relationships I had with women. Me being a virgin at 22 also makes this 2x or 3x worse as it is constantly on my mind. Also your point of having bad relations with mother completely hit home. I don't have a positive relation with her and I often find myself seeking female validation. Right now I'm completely alone and have no friends. Just graduated college but didn't make any close friends as deep down I always knew there was an ugly side of me that I was afraid of someone else knowing. I really don't know what to do or how to build friends and relationships anymore. I live in an city where alcohol is banned and there are no good places for socializing.
Stop drinking. It's a stupid waste of time that makes you do stupid things and damages you greatly in the process since it is a HARD DRUG. You don't need so called "friends" right now(fellow drinking partners aka not friends is what you're talking about). You very clearly suffer from very low self-worth. That can only be changed from within. Follow this channel, get your diet in order and start going to the gym
This outlook is so important, I think for people of all sexualities. A key ingredient I noticed for me is when I started releasing shame for being who I am / feeling what I feel. Then what you're talking about feels like a natural next step. It's so much easier to feel like internal validation is enough when you take action, acknowledge your progress and stop allowing another part of your own mind to shame you constantly.
I think I can relate a lot to your old self. I find myself getting a lot of my self worth from girls wanting me. It's not even necessarily the sex, it's just the confirmation that I can have it. Trying to change that, by focusing more and more on myself, and my goals everyday, and finding fulfillment in what I do. And also ironically, some validation from healthy communities of self improvement, helps me personally. I'm genuinely happy I found your channel, you inspire me, great job!
Bra klipp! Kul att se att även ditt röstläge förbättrats jämfört med tidigare videos och blivit lugnare. Mindre "stamningar" och låter det att ta tid när du blir extra energisk över en viss anekdot eller exempel. Mindre stressat, större upplevt självförtroende för tittaren. Tack!
I think you should make a youtube short out of 9:25 to 10:25 Its a great and deep point that needs to be shared. I would personally share it to some friends. "Fake people can only fool other fake people"
I totally relate to this video. Sleeping around made me feel more valuable. Not only to females but also my male friends. I didn’t realize non of that matter, and the distraction of it made me fall short/ behind on more important aspects of my life.
I’m so with you on this and more people need to understand it! I was feeling insecure and kept reaching out looking for validation from anyone. But I finally started reaching inward instead and found a peace and happiness that nobody can take away from me. I’m not as shredded as you (yet) but everyday I get closer to my goals and I’m doing it for myself!
Real good point about the lack of having a mother. My mom left when I was 8-9 years old and I'm 43. I think a big part of my problems stem from the lack of a feminine love. Thanks for the video!
uh huh... round of applause for captain chad over here. After effortlessly running through multiple volleyball teams worth of box hes here to tell YOU, the guy who maybe gets a few crumbs of female attention once a year if youre lucky, that smashing out 3 girls a week isnt all that its cracked up to be. Yes, how enlightened.
I am skinny and could care less about what women think of me. Dating is a procession of diminishing returns. Always been celibate here and especially after I realized I am asexual!
For someone like me who haven't kissed a girl in 3 years, even though what you are saying is true, I can't stop but thinking of working out, making money (get my shit together) so I can get a girl. So a question, would you been a volcel in the past? before sleeping with "enough" girls to realize it's not a good thing to keep doing?
Yeah man big difference between hooking up randomly and craving a mate. There is truly a biological drive behind that. I don't think he's advising lifelong celibacy. Once you get into that lifestyle, trust me, you won't be doing it for an imaginary woman once you start feeling confident and healthy.
I think his philosophy is along the lines of not focusing on the external validation to the point that you make yourself vulnerable and subservient to it. Being heterosexual and wanting to achieve goals so that one day you can find your mate and marry her is 100% natural, normal, and healthy. Don’t discard or hate women. Just don’t be subordinate to them (in your mind and soul). If you build a strong physique, you will have more options/choices among the females. However, a female should not be your motivation for building your body, because it will push you into rushing, becoming impatient, and losing your peace. A man who is not at peace is not a strong leader. To take the right girl for you, you’ll need to be a strong confident leader. So his philosophy seems to be: Work on yourself to make your own life better and it will naturally attract females with very little effort on your part. Once you have also developed your conversational skills and a sense of humor that is easy for the average person to get, you’ll have many choices of females. You will be able to select what you want without putting yourself under their control. Yes, the females also have a choice, but women are easily influenced and not terribly good at making good choices. Once your life is in order, you will be able to sort out which one is right for you and you will be able to attract her to you. Nothing wrong with wanting a woman, just don’t let your wants do your thinking for you. I think that’s what the Coach is trying to teach.
@@totallyfrozen brother, you hit all the right notes, I would like to say thank you and respect your time and expand on this. 1/ thanks for confirming that wanting to do better to have a mate in the future is "100% natural" 2/ putting a girl as my main motivation has indeed pushed me to rush and being impatient all the time, I did really lose my peace. 3/ I will watch the video again with all of this in mind. thanks brother.
That’s your main problem that is keeping you from having a girl, girls are like cats, literally! The more you ignore them the more they come up to you to the point of madness!. The problem with us guys is that we think women think like us, that totally wrong. You have to put yourself in a woman’s mindset, if you where a typical average looking woman, in one regular day in NYC going to work, you would get sneak looked at, stared at, approached by and flirted by, get help and attention at least roughly by 50 people one day! In contrast, a tall good looking man like me gets that special attention from a random woman stranger in NYC probably 1 to 3 times in a year! That changes their psychological structure way differently than ours. That’s why no matter how nice you are, how perfect you are they will not trust you it takes lots of trial and error, a large pool of women to try your luck and land 1 out of 20 attempts. And trust me please, money and looks is not the answer, it doesn’t even make it easier (to attract them, but because of your personal self-esteem boost which is what yhey are noticing) but, I had more self-esteem and confidence when I was broke and fat, having all the time to waste in the world, being used to rejections and knowing I had nothing to lose when approaching 20 women a day, and I was getting laid constantly. Today I have a busy professional work / school schedule, I have way more money, I’m in shape but lost the time to be chasing women because I am after my purpose first, so don’t think that money and looks are the answer, they are not visual like us, they don’t like how you look, they like what comes out of your mouth and it’s your confidence, women have a 6th sense for confidence and you can’t fake it!
Thanks for this video man. Very practical explanation of the complex and mindless world of external validation from woman and in general. Definitely helpful.
MainManSWE plays Tekken Uncommon Sense *is* Tekken For real you hit it outta the park once again. And i dont know if you know this but theres another RU-vidr who made a video recently just like the one you did called "what getting ripped taught me about women" So you do make a difference bro, but i'm sure you know, Respect ✊
@@georgetapia1010 haha, don't know whete you got that but I haven't played much Tekken but I do remember I liked Yoshimitsu 😄 That's cool, thanks for letting me know!
Your videos help me a lot. More than I am able to put in words right now. Thank you so much for your constant effort, you always make me rethink many things in my life. I deeply appreciate it, please keep going ❤
I used to workout until they gave me validation then I felt that I didn’t need to continue anymore. That is why I yoyo my weight and muscle mass. The craving comes from a lack of self-esteem and no gym or working out will change your mind about yourself. You need to do that work, not your body
@@yawzerdoink-a-sore-as8159 you do that work when you work out for yourself and because it's right thing to do. I was like you before, realized I could get laid with a dad bod. Started training 6 years ago to become the best version of myself, for myself
looking like a young steve austin ......a good lesson taught and a lesson learned through experience with dealing with women .you got to learn to love yourself first im at a place where i dont need women i want them ...but dont need them to feel validated i am who i am and thats got nothing to do with a woman
There's so much here that what I'm going to say doesn't really reflect all my thoughts, but I think has helped me stay committed to strength training. I believe I've felt stronger and more committed to strength training because I'm actually training to be a stronger runner, not trying to look better. Over the years I've gotten bored with bodyweight and lightweight dumbbells. I started lifting barbells last year and my body and mind have changed tremendously. It looks like I did it for external validation, but I really am doing it for other reasons. So when I don't look great, it's okay because I'm working on getting stronger, which is so different from many other people's goals. Their goals aren't necessarily wrong, but I think my motivation outside of looks keeps me committed through the more awkward and painful times; ie. when nothing changes or gaining weight as a woman 🤬. Anyways. There are a lot of good points you made here. Just want to share something that has really worked for me. As a woman, I find this so interesting in both that I can relate and learn something new from a guy's perspective. Thank you so much for sharing. ✌
@@Second2LastPioneer even if we have differences, all human beings are more alike than they're different and so are men and women, so me being a muscular man talking about things that maybe speaks more to men on the surface level is just that. I know many women that get past the surface and understand how to "modify" any gendered message will have a lot to collect from this channel too and I'm happy you've realized and followed for quite some time :) Yes, I suggest this balanced approach to fitness and looks. The looks is not something that we should run from and pretend we don't care about, because we do and it is directly related to strength and health. But it shouldn't be the sole focus. External validation is much more enjoyable when it's an effect and not the main goal. It just confirms you're doing well then ⭐️
first video i;ve found of yours, instant sub man, not just for the topic of video but the vibe, you a real one. Also, bro how have you got the sound quality so crisp? what external mic are you using on the camera? sounds awesome
@@Mr.SoloLiam cheers man and welcome. It's just the internal mic of the phone, Samsumg Galaxy S24. We're all walking around with a little film studio in our pockets at this point
Thank you for sharing your wisdom in such an amazing way as it's very relatable for me and inspiring. You mentioned briefly that you were more of a nihilist before, mind I ask if you are religious?
@@KookinHaole some of us don't want "a" wife but THE wife. THE wife is not found when you insecurely seek external validation through hook-ups. That's a great way to end up in a terrible relationship with a woman you're a complete bitch to
I’m 41 and I want to have sex since I’ve never had sex. I feel embarrassed for not going out and enjoying my 20’s, instead I wasted my youth playing video games.
Never too late brother, 40s are young people that age go out all the time. It is tough to accept it. But once you accept where you are and honest to yourself. You can only improve from here.
remember people if you are thin and have a hard time putting on weight, stay active once you get to 30 metabolism will lower and youll suddenly see quick gains from workouts... Im noticing it @32 the issue with seeking validation from women if thats the only way you interact suddenly one day you get a woman boss and its kinda hard to find how to behave in a whole new context makes for uncomfortable situations at the office.
I'm doing a lot of those false validation patterns plus I'm a porn/sex addict. Very bad combination. I'm running around while thoughts about validation, superficially impressing women, body features and sex, sex sex are just BLASTING through my head to the point I can't even be myself anymore. I am very unhappy and I can confirm so much of what this guys says. Working on it right now, also considering professional help. I want sex, yes, but I need inner peace so much more right now.
I feel that having an unhealthy relationship with external validation is another type of addiction, in a sense that it’s both a (bad) coping mechanism to some kind of internal pain/void and also a cheap/lazy way to experience some small and short-lived pleasure that is way easier to obtain than the real thing, which in this case is true self-validation
I was 311lbs one year ago. I'm now 241. I'm 43 years old. Still working on getting to a healthy weight. I grew up obese so for the most part I never knew even the attention or affection or women. I only knew rejection and what it was to be unwanted. I couldn't imagine to have attention and be desired by women. As a young man that was my fondest wish and that complete lack of acknowledgement broke my heart. I now work out for both external and internal reasons. I know I'll never be that handsome beloved guy I fantasized as a young man but I'd like to be the healthiest me I can be so I can have a quality of life. I've accepted that I can only be me and I can only do the best I know how with what I got.
It's bullsh!t that you "will never be that guy". That's just yoir current belief. The guy in this video is 100x the guy he thought he could never be, let that be some motivation
Brilliant- absolutely brilliant. It took me 2 decades (+) to really get this (of course the issues transcend gender) & i'm so impressed with your message. I dont know anyone combining training with *real* spiritual growth (except Shi Heng Yi) tho his is of course Shaolin the message is universal etc. You're doing a great job seriously 💪👍ps listening to this between sets of LB Squats 😆😊
Thanks. I spent a lot of time trying to get validation from women and had a really bad relationship with my alcoholic abusive mother who died young. I don't even enjoy sex with women much, I prefer sex with men and have a boyfriend, but I still chase validation from women due to mommy issues.
Dating is pretty much over for me but that's okay. Frankly I'm at a point in my life where I don't need external validation from anyone; I'm too old for that.
Good video. I would love to hear your opinion on the rise of the blackpill and looksmaxxing and your opinion on plastic surgery. That would make a really good video
I LEFT WOMEN ALONE AFTER M LAST BREAK UP IN 2013. I HAVE NO NEED TO FEMALE VALIDATION, NO SEX, NO FEMALE COMPANY. I AM BUFFED AND HAVE BUILT A MILLION DOLLAR CONSTRUCTION COMPANY. GUSS WHAT? WOMEN WILL CHASE YOU ONCE YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I AM STILL SINGLE AND HAVE NEVER BEEN CONTENT WITH MY LIFE..
Literally never. Eat a good diet with good amount of animal fat and protein to make your skin stronger + progressively overload exposure. Getting burnt is no good but neither ia carcinogenic sunscreen. Use clothing, hats, the shade and uncommon sense instead of that crap
Hehe, that's the same thing though. Point is that external validation feels good when it comes naturally but of you find yourself fishing for it, you're coming from the wrong place
@@UncommonSense I comprehend you perfectly well. It’s not like your video is The Critique of Pure Reason or something. I understand there are some men who don’t desire feedback from women. Saints and geniuses like Newton for instance, but that’s not most men.
@@Eudaemoniac I don't think you did since you would say "sour grapes". I also did not say that I don't desire feedback from women. So no, you did not comprehend
