I come from one family in Africa whereby they are all dictators , trying to dictate every little thing to do with my life and my children. The toxicity was at another level, I tried to talk sense but they would gang up on me to a point I decided to cut ties.
I’m so happy for you… that must have been a very traumatic experience, plus a very difficult decision for you! Many Prayers for you, my Sister💕 Mad Respect.
My family is from a Muslim background, so I asked my father a question “dad what do I do if my boyfriend ever hits me” he responded with why didn’t you listen to him” that broke my heart hearing that response.
My grandpa on my fathers side of the family is a psychopath, and i'm really proud of my dad that he has turned out to be the compassionate, attentive, empathetic person that he is. My parents are the best parents one could wish for, and i'm not taking that for granted. My dad could have also been affected by the abuse he suffered, and continued the cycle of abuse, but he has decided to be the most amazing dad. I'm really proud of him and thankful beyond words to have him as my dad. I'm really not taking it for granted, especially considering, how much of a Monster my granddad is.
@@kris232ful Please find an Al Anon group near you. It will help. Replace whatever psychological issue with "alcoholic", and you'll find that the group helps you heal.
He should be beyond proud of you. I broke the cycle too. Took parenting classes, told my boys I loved them everyday (I never heard it from my narc parents). My mom spent her last energy on her deathbed telling my son lies about me. She knew how close we were and that's all I ever wanted. It's unbelievable the lengths they will go to to inflict pain on their own children with their smear campaign of lies.
@@WarriorConstance oh! And how about "planting" in various places, in the house, some rather nasty letters to be found after narc's death? Toxicity beyond death bed. Creatures, not humans, is what people like that actually are.
This is soooo prevalent in the boomer generation of the African-American community, in particularly amongst elders culture who grew up or came from the South. This is like water in a desert. Thank you for this Dr. Ramani.
Same with boomer parents in US from Germany migration, there is wide acceptance that the boomer generation has been extremely narcissistic blowing the wealth and not passing down the legacy of incredibly hard working previous generations put together for future generations.
yes! and the defensiveness against BLM never made sense to me: saying that black lives matter doesn't indicate that anyone else's life doesn't, yet the way some people react, you'd think that we're threatening to execute them or at least deliberately threatening their existence. and just WHY are public schools funded by property taxes, meaning that communities with a high degree of proverty going to underfunded schools? and just why are those citizens POC or Indigenous/ First Americans living on reservations? Misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia.... all of it
I'm Haitian and parents hate me for not fulfilling their wishes. They hate that I'm not a doctor, not married and have no children. I'm the only child who hasn't gotten into legal trouble, but I'm still viewed as a bad daughter for not being a rich doctor that my parents can mooch off. People outside of my family know who I truly am because I refuse to share my life with my family.
Yes! Child of a single jamaican nurse here. I'm the only one of my siblings nor pregnant as a teen, the first one to graduate college, and I've never cussed at my mom. Ever. Still somehow manage to be a disappointment. Lol
Yes I’m Haitian too I have children tho but as the oldest daughter my father hated me because I didn’t finish college he often tells others that his children are unsuccessful
@@TX-xq6dx It's like are parents conveniently forget our accomplishments so they have an excuse to lash out on their children. It's clear that my parents need therapy, but they believe that therapy is for "crazy people".
@@hermine3155 I can relate! I'm my dad's only daughter and I take after him (looks and personality). My mom like to pit us against one another because she hate me my dad are close. Now, he can't stand to look at me. He also wish didn't have any children.
The trap I fell into was that I made excuses for my husband's cultural narcissism. He came from a country of family trauma and a tyrannical government. His father is a narcissist. I was trying to accept it all instead of setting and holding to my boundaries. Looking back I now know the difference between accepting and welcoming cultural differences and being used and played by a covert narcissist. I refuse to be an emotional punching bag any longer. My feelings were constantly denied. I felt my emotions were imprisoned, not allowed out of me for 14 years.. In my husband's culture, crying is viewed as being weak. He would say stop crying or do not cry. Like I could just turn it off like a faucet. But my emotions have been freed since I walked away, went total no contact. He has no right to abuse me no matter where he came from. He has no right to be so controlling of my emotions. If I need to cry, I cry. But ironically, I find I cry less since leaving the covert narc.
They always come with a sad backstory, and seeking your pity. Once you are committed and trapped, they just turn around and use your reaction as an offence against them.
My culture is very conformist (Irish but maybe all are) and if you don't speak, act, dress, think like everyone else.. you're laughed at and shamed ..sometimes openly...even people who receive that treatment, give it to others. But it's OK because they're different in a different way 🤦♀️ We're also well known for having banter and giving and receiving insults for fun is an actual thing and it IS used for social bonding, successfully.. however, passive aggressiveness is also rife because the banter is a perfect way to 'hide' insults You can call it out BUT if you call out someone higher in the hierarchy, then YOU are in the wrong... This is my family to a tee ( they are an extreme version though ) but I only realised how it was also in the culture in general and how exhausting it was after I moved abroad
Reminds me of Sinéad O'Connor and when she started speaking up on what happened to her, and how so many in Ireland were so quick to kick her down, calling her some lf everything under the sun. Also, I 💯% agree about the so called banter. Same kind of culture in Scotland too. And if you speak up about it, you're labelled as a sook and weirdo.
I see "taking the piss out" more as a way of calling out narcissists in egalitarian societies. People who want to stand out often do so for grandiose reasons, so this brings them back down to earth. To a narcissist, even the abuse and slap downs act as validation for their "victim" narrative they perpetuate in their minds, so it's probably not the best way of dealing with them.
Irish here too , exhausting personified, Throw the size of your house, your car, what job you have , who you married, etc into the mix and you have a boiling pot of stink and pain , I escaped and it took years to understand that I had actually lived through a silent war .
I, unfortunately, met and married a man from the middle east. The mother is a narcissist and like almost all women in that area she made her son the prince of the family and created his narcissism. It's part of their culture. She cursed me when I dared to leave this toxic society.
I have met many middle eastern women who are kind and treat their children the same regardless of gender. Please don't lump them all together. The nice ones (as in every culture) are often overlooked. Call your former MIL what you will, but that is her own set of issues. And very likely the result of her own narc abuse growing up.
Unfortunately this is so common in middle eastern and south asian culture. I am a woman from this culture and honestly it is the reason why I don't want to marry a man from my own race. Too many of them are like this and their mothers are a nightmare to deal with.
My mother grew up in Germany during Hitler. While I don't want to label her as a narcissist I feel that her childhood affected the way she raised me.This is a very informative video for me. Thank you.
Agreed! I grew up under that. My earlier post: "100%! My parents were children of WWII and grandchildren of WWI in Germany and Switzerland. Their Parents and Grandparents, Great-Grandparents etc survived WWI, revolutions and Napoleonic Wars in our area. I absolutely see how they and their parents/grandparents etc. were/had to be the way they were to survive physically, financially, emotionally. Egocentric mindsets to survive. Then again there were people in my family from their generations who were kind and loving...." For me Dr. Ramani's videos are all helping me, but this one speaks to my particular situation. Wishing you peace and love.
O my God, so much could be said about this. I believe my direct ancestors have a lot of extreme thinking in them, though they were mostly born just after the war. Very important issue!
I come from that region of Europe aswell. I think my parents are possibly the first generation of my family to not have lived through a war... since the beginning of time. But it feels like they are still waging wars in their minds. I think maybe the ''extreme thinking'' saved them, but it becomes a disease because it doesn't serve a purpose anymore.
This was my narc mother's upbringing. She is also a mysoginist and therefore I (her scapegoat daughter) am dogshit compared to my brother (her golden child and narc son). My mother's background was one of little stability, her father (my grandfather) was in the army during WW2, so they ended up in multiple different boarding schools and her parents (my grandparents) were also divorced. Her grandfather (my great grandfather's) attitudes were colonial (Africa, India and China) where certain cultures were not tolerated, and men ruled. Stiff upper lip was definitely the thing, be seen and not heard etc.,. I went NC 5 yrs ago (after my beloved father died) as my mother's hatred, resentment and jealousy towards me due to the close relationship I had had with my father ramped up to intolerable levels before, during, and after my father's death. My brother's attitude towards me worsened as well. My life now is recovery from PTSD, GAD and health anxiety. A long hard, lonely road.....
I have done everything to avoid their abuse, and find a middle space of respect , I spent more than half of life with this struggle. I am done 2 years ago, went no contact since 2 years with all of them, believe me, I am thriving in every level, zero feeling of guilt (this feeling I used to fear before going no contact), zero feeling of missing anything, actually it is very natural it feels. If they choose to peace health and love one day, they can always join me, I have zero bad feeling for them. They are just not for me as they are, and my nature does not accept any single abuse anymore. By the way, they try every kind of manipulation method in the book, that's why they are also blocked everywhere. I am only open to healthy connection. I suggest to everyone if they have hesitations. Enjoy!
It's your life but just a suggestion am sharing from experience because i really want you to be happy.....just don't ever welcome them back even if they act or claim that they have changed .....at this stage you must have realised how self centred toxic folks can get - they can't stand anyone near them happy especially their own because of inferiority complex. Don't give them anymore chances even if they emotionally blackmail you to the core - i almost fell for the trap
THIIISSSS!!! I am SO EXCITED (as a sociologist) to hear you explain to people the ways that narcissism becomes a natural strategy in cultures that come from colonization or colonized experiences!
"natural" like in animal breeding behavior. Unfortunately this does not work in the human world where breeding rights are basically bought instead of natural "favoritism" for the healthier genome.
I think I'm ending my families "curse" by not having kids of my own. I want children so badly but I have no true support group and it's hard to even find a good man when you have so much baggage and a dysfunctional family. They run for the hills & I can't blame them.
@@TJ-iw5zq I'm glad you found a good hubby to love you. I'm sorry you didn't end up having children. I know there is so much more to life than having children and I like to think that people like us finally get to be put first and focus on us now. Things we couldn't do in childhood. And things we couldn't do as parents. Maybe it's exactly what we need and just don't realize it. Best wishes to you ❤
@@WarriorConstance I agree. The world is just so messed up. And good people suffer in it. So in a way it's putting your children first over your own wants. Even if the children don't exist. If that makes sense. It's just heartbreaking missing out on the beauty of motherhood or fatherhood. That human experience. When so many people around you are doing it with big smiles on their faces. I know that all the people I grew up with who had kids are still immature and in dysfunctional relationships. I know I wouldn't want any of that for my kids. I'm curious/afraid to see how all these kids turn out in the future. Best wishes to you & your family. ❤
I feel for you...Two female narcs who raised me destroy my self-esteem...Because of the sins of our ancestors, many have suffered...Child abandonment has been a long-standing problem, causing many to become narcs..
Literally dropped everything and got so excited to read the title of this video!! Thank you, Dr Ramani!!! This is indeed a much needed video. Before watching it, I have to express my gratitude for all the work that you do, you truly have saved my life. I was always told to blindly respect and basically bow down my head to parents who were highly disrespectful, my father being a covert narcissist. Their love wasn't unconditional, it was non-existent. I always have to remind myself that even though I and other scapegoats were unfortunate to be born in unloving families, the people who are actually truly unfortunate are the ones who missed out on an innocent child's pure and deep love. I remind myself that despite the pain they've caused, I still loved them, but since they couldn't value it because they were busy playing mind games, THEY are the unlucky ones for missing out on a good sincere child and genuine love. Today, I give this reminder to all of the people in this community as well: it ends with us and we deserve BETTER! 🫂❤ Much, much love!!
I truly respect your decision, on still Loving your Parents! Myself, also Love my narcissistic Mother, who is now 100 yrs. Old!!! I still do not respect, her opinions on me, though…. I just set-up boundaries for her & me. Much Respect to you💕
Dr Ramani. I am gay and I feel that gay culture is so shallow and narcissistic. Out of the 3 long term relationships I have been in 2 turned out to be covert narcissists. Their behavior is so enabled because they act so incredible noble in public. At this point I think I am just ready to give up on love and finding a partner all together. I cannot possible fathom dating another narcissist.
As a empath woman, it was always my gay men friend's whom would try to protect me from those other in this world. Love yourself and life will blooms within. I am just a few months out of a 24 years, of double standards. Friends are good partners. Bad sex is selfish users, NOBODY likes lack of integrity and commitment
It sucks you feel that way. I just got out of a long term narcissistic relationship myself, albeit straight. I feel that modern culture at large is growing more narcissistic and could possibly bleed out into the subcultures. I don’t know if this helps, but there are a lot of narcissists out there. When there are narcissists, there are always people they are trying to use. What that actually means is that there are a lot of empath/co-dependent, savior people feeling similarly. Truly, I know there must be many non-narcissists out there, including you, who are not seen as often as the narcissists, and have something valuable to offer to you. I wish you the best of healing.
I don’t see enough of my brethren in here, we’re usually confined by toxic Western masculinity . I think a lot of things coalesce into our culture that just feeds it, especially the one you may have forgotten: low self-esteem. Same reason meth and alcohol are our biggest drug problem: false confidence. You sound like you’re on the right path, stay true to you like she says! I attracted nothing but pieces of crap narcs that I felt were better than me (oddly learning there may not be a such thing as a non-narc bi man but I don’t wanna pigeonhole), I got off on the belittling, being called Puto every day like it was affectionate. I still hold to that though, low self-esteem, and if you’re American well we still haven’t as a country learned we don’t mean S except a big gun pointed at a world throat, I see narcissism all over tv and in society, it’s actually quite disgusting. I stay indoors, safe, with a new wonderful person who I’m having to unlearn a life of trauma for because he deserves it. You deserve happiness too!
Having left a narcissist ex, I came to realize how narcissistic/toxic my own parents are. We’ve had to move into my parent’s place and I’m just baffled with the level of judgement and criticism I’ve heard/witnessed since we left my ex. My dad is such a tyrant where only his views are the right views, and my mom is only concerned with how much money I can make so that she can “borrow” from me (she is very bad with money) 😮 Plus, he also berates her for the littlest things, and she just sits and takes it (trauma bonded, if ever I saw it). They were never really “parents” to me or my sister, yet they expected us to bow down to them and conform to what THEY wanted us to be/do, rather than accepting us for who we were. We’re Filipino, and by nature, the culture is quite judgemental and critical and entitled (as I’m sure other cultures are). I’m currently working to move me and my kids out and into our own place, away from the judgement and criticism 🤞
@@servantofgod1724 WOW. I'm thinking that overall this is true for/about everyone at some point, because everyone's going to have a moment when whoever.."they!" Might have been who did care for or about us are no longer there. Maybe your parents. Or one of them that did care about your comfort level and maybe they died and you realize how much the other remaining parent might have cared unconditionally for you. That's what happened with me. I know you don't care about that either probably but oh well it's 4:58 in the morning and I'm telling the story. Maybe I unintentionally unconsciously modeled some of my traits associated with grown up or woman or wife on the other. The parent who remained after unconditional passed away. When I realized he's been running interference for much of my life I felt grief all over again. I know no one cares. After my mom trashed my reputation before her death it was reiterated by various reactions were lack thereof interactions from my extended family. Nobody cares. Have their own families in their own problems. I didn't expect anyone to solve me or any of my problems but it was still kind of a weird reckoning to be in the back of an ambulance and have nothing to give them as an emergency contact or address. She got ill while I was waiting to move into an apartment after my divorce. And I was in limbo even though I know Limbo was canceled by the church etc I was on the taint between my house I had had in my marriage of 18 years and my new apartment with no memories when my mom took ill putting me on thick muscular patch of Gooch between the anus of my marriage ending in the testicles I'd have to grow to get out from under her grody smothering triangulation field of mine landmines brain mines in verbal deadly farts whatever. Nobody cared. Maybe I turned into her at times the worst parts of her not the best and maybe that's why my relationships repeatedly failed. Oh the F well. Trying to learn how to navigate human interactions with no strings attached no agenda but not so foolishly as to care myself when I know it won't be reciprocal. That's really challenging. Some people use a trainer phrase I couldn't care less others say I could care less I'm still trying to decide which I actually feel. I always remember birthdays but have been stunned there occasionally when mine has been remembered without my intervention. When is your birthday? Who hurt you made have to strike out against A stranger sharing their story in the comment section? Why do I care? Curious stupid would it happen to be my soul growing back in?
Stunning clip, Dr. Ramani! Tidy explanation of how my nightmare childhood and subsequent toxic family life carved out a musician/human rights lawyer. After "retiring" ten years ago, I collapsed on the floor of a therapist when it hit me that I had been abused and abandoned by five generations. Being the common denominator, I assumed I had somehow caused it all. Nope, just family traditions started way before I arrived. So, thank you for this broad, deep clip! And the happy ending is that I have spent the past ten years working with refugees here in Holland, most of them traumatized. We continue to heal each other. I will die filled with gratitude and utter wonder at the power of love and music.
With my inlaws, I've noticed the cultural narcissism, sudo mutualism, the generational sabotage, etc. The shear cognitive dissonance that has resulted is dumbfounding.
Yep the authoritarian and gender issues are present in my family, with insecurity, and fear on their part. Now that I see it I won’t stand for it. I no longer play small to appease them. I hold my head high and stand strong in my truth. I know they care and just don’t know how to deal with emotions; but I matter too, even if I’m female and am ‘different’ then them, I have value and rights. I matter too. ❤
I'm literally in awe by how thoroughly, well-orderly and methodically you broke down this extremely complex and layered subject. My utmost respect to you, Dr. Ramani. I'm from an eastern Asian cultural background, and your painstaking clarification of things explained the rampant and prevailing narcissism which gets passed down from generation to generation in our culture to a tee.
Being reared by narcs made me vulnerable to SO relationships with narcs. But surviving that family also made me a kind of Narc-destroyer. For a while it was a hobby. That was a crappy hobby, and I'm glad I've moved on.
Walking away from invalidating relationships Yes I have been working on this Aware of this Giving my granddaughter a different healthier experience So great to hear u talk about this Thank you
I was born in 1984. My dad was born in 1930. He was 55 when I was born, a Navy Korean War vet, and had been brought up in a rural one intersection and one graveyard Central Ohio town. (Unincorporated). We could not have been more different, and he made sure that I knew how different/difficult/needy/sensitive I was. But even with the crippling shame, I knew he loved me and I knew he was a safer option than my mother. He was a good guy, but he had his emotional experience beaten out of him early. He got so angry anytime I'd cry, and I only realized in the last year or 2 of his life that it was because he wanted to fix the problem for me and had no other way to deal with me and my emotional monsters inside. He passed away in 2020 at 90. Even though he really hurt me in some moments, I miss him every day. Thank you for talking about this and putting a name to the patterns with my dad that I fought for so, so long.
imo..the problem is the parents were pressed into narcissism by the pressure of their upbringing & difficult life circumstances growing up in oppressive cultures & as narcissists dont change ,they are doomed to stay in the narcissistic shell forever ,even when their life circumstances change, then they pass on the curse of narcissism to their children with their parenting style & narcissistic abuse
"Nobody really has, ever, the right to abuse another person, regardless of their back-story." This truth has been essential to me in the face of all the many people (unfortunately including my mom) who want to excuse my father's emotional abuse as "how he was raised". Sadly, I've come to expect that response whenever I describe my father's behavior. Only a few people have simply listened and sympathized. ETA: "Family loyalty above everything" was one of the things my mom taught us over and over. I guess I'm lucky that I didn't grow up in the same culture as either of my parents.
This is my grandma and my mom. Grandma went through WW2 with Japanese invasion of China and then the cultural revolution. Mom grew up traumatized. I was raised by them both NPD with PTSD and a BPD. This helps thank you
Hi Dr. Ramani, I posted this in another video. as you know most therapists don't know or understand narcissistic abuse, which makes it very difficult for us who have been in therapy for decades still unable to get a therapist to "get it." We continue with the suffering and cannot ever get anywhere close to healing (if there's such a thing). But two things get in the way for many, many people: 1. Therapists who are clueless 2. Not having the means to pay. It would be of great help if you could have a video on this subject (where to find affordable therapy for people who need recovery from narcissistic abuse). In my case, not having the means had set me back. I suffer a great deal. Although I went no contact with my mother, the pain, isolation from the entire family, loss of siblings, sadness, lack of self-worth, and a host of other things are constant present in my life (not to mention numerous immune system-related health problems) Where do we find help that is low cost? Where do we find therapists who understand narcissistic abuse? I'm always thankful for your videos and to others on youtube who are continuing to help us.
I had a great therapist, she treated me for trauma even without acknowledgement of the narcissistic parenting...it still worked. I don't thinknwe can talk ourselves better but the treatment (emdr) definitely helped me release a lot and move on. Helped a lot more than just talking to someone who 'got' my parents
Yes! Totally agree with you on that!!! The therapists just want to push, the drugs!!! $$$ No way! Believe in yourself, you are the President! Owner! Builder or your “ MIND” BODY” and SOUL… “ SPIRIT “💕
Totally agree! These are two subject areas that really could use some backing. The failure of the mental health community to keep up with the current knowledge of damage producing abuse is troubling. Together with people’s inability to afford to get good therapy. 🙏🏼😊
agree. and the therapy apps are not real therapy…we need affordable face to face therapy from knowledgeable therapists who know about narcissistic abuse.
If we loose the compassion, we loose our human sense forever, in my opinion.I love love love a quote read somewhere:"I didn t have good examples from those closed to me but I had such examples of who I don t want to be"....and yes, thank you very much for " don t personalise".As I was personalising, I understood that my healing was becoming impossible.I was just spiriling in anger around the memories without being able to come out of the water and to breathe....Now my had is out of water and I am learning to swim properly.I will never cancel where I come from, it is part of who I am but I owe to myself, my children and this world that I can be a human Albanian even though I come from my complex country.Oh thank YOU, I also believe strongly that these intergenerational cycles can be ended!Yes, they can be ended if we decide and stay commited to this proccess of breaking their thick walls of prison".I loved the sentence of a course of how to identify my feelings, I loved the repeated sentence" You are not broken".
Thank you for talking about this. I was born and raised in Alabama, I think most people around here suffer from this, on one level or another. It's so normal, it seems nobody even realizes. I really hope things can change for my kids, and their kids generations.
Very interesting that you say that. It struck me as I was listening to this how perfectly the Narcissism label fits the white supremacist movement. It seems to me that it may be a combination of grandiose, covert, and generational narcissism. Of course this pathology exists everywhere, but in US, the southern states such as Alabama (and these days especially Florida) have it ingrained in the culture. The whole idea that the Confederacy was somehow a noble cause that is now misunderstood seems like an ideology of covert narcissism.
My dad is a psychopath as well. And what I can say is that I am proud of myself for having the empathy, compassion, and love for humanity. I am not judgement. I’ve been bison blessed to have my mother here still to talk through the things my father did to take away from my relationship with her. She’s still here but her memory is worsening quickly. Bless Dr.Ramani and this community of people. You’re all my inspiration, hope, and strength to persevere. I hope I can still find a way too make a difference.
Thank you Dr. R for speaking up about this. It affects so many people but we are taught to not touch it if its a cultural thing. Abuse is abuse no matter hiw you slice it.
This reminds me of the conversation I had with my narcissistic mother in 2020 when she informed me that even in jurisdictions where it is ILLEGAL to wear a mask and possess a firearm even with the proper concealed carry permit, she and my father would be exempt but I would not. Based on their ages.
My mother has always put herself above others, and even though she may have realized after the statement was made how bad it sounded, she will double down and ride that train until it details. In her mind, if she doesn't acknowledge it; it's not true.
And she thinks that's important to you because...they're planning on running out and pulling bank jobs? She sounds like she's getting too old and weird to pack. I would document that conversation.
@ where's your humanity: She thinks she should be the only person in our family who should be allowed to CC. Except maybe the exception of my sister, the Golden child. Even though I don't so much as have a point on my license and NO CRIMINAL offences.
Is the world designed to create narcissism? Like a narcissist factory? It sure seems like it...❤👍 I can't think of a better design for producing narcissism than this life...
I don't know about the world ... I believe that the patriarchal "Founding Fathers" designed America to be run by Narcissists according to their particular patriarchal narcissistic system. And they designed that system to benefit ONLY the patriarchal narcissists. When anyone who should be a Scapegoat finds a way to success in their system, then they pass laws to put a stop to that.
@@elijahhernandez906 No, that's what is so dum. It doesn't have to be that way... Maybe if enough of us become educated and aware of the narcissistic patterns of abuse, we can make a really awesome peaceful SANE world!!!👍❤
Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes. Dr. Ramani, thank you for this. You have just described the maternal side of my English/Scottish family that was domiciled in Britsh India for over one hundred years. I had horrendous problems with my mother who grew up in India and endorsed to an extreme degree the colonial, narcissistic and entitled attitudes you describe so well in this talk. She was a textbook grandiose narcissist and even had the gall to treat dismissively her own children as inferior, second class citizens all because we were born in "uncultured, uncivilised" Canada. I am still sorting through which of her attitudes were colonial and which were typically narcissist, but there was definitely some intersectionality there and she made sure to *always* retain the power and control. I never lost my compassion but at the same time I always felt she was pathetic and, at times pure evil. I love your videos. They have done wonders for my healing. ❤
I’m the daughter of a malignant narcissist. What an awful ride. The unfolding of the truth about his nature has initiated a grief like no other. The period of time has been characterized by pain and grief. It’s been characterized by confusion, anger, despair, etc. I feel like a child who has just stepped off of a tilt a whirl at the park. Like I’m trying to walk in a straight line and it’s just impossible. I idolized my father. I thought we were close. I thought I was valuable. Well? I was valued by how well I measured up to being there to meet his needs. I was so brainwashed/indoctrinated and gaslit that even though my reality contradicted what I was being told, I believed what I was being told. I have a very difficult time making decisions even now. As a child, I don’t think I even knew how to come to my own conclusions before bringing everything to my father. 6 years ago I would have said he was my hero. Now I know that I was and still am his pawn. I only mattered when I was fulfilling a need. And never my own. I was led to believe that following my own path would have made me selfish. My fathers care always came first. Now I know that the child I was at the time when I should’ve bee. Focused on my own calling was smeared by unkind comments from people I loved the most. And I was broken down and pulled apart because I was expected to modify any vision I had for myself because my father could t care for himself at the time. He always knew he would need cause in his future, becfore I was born. He must have been relieved to have a daughter which he would program to serve him without abandon. I was expected to be that blindly obedient servant. I had been trained to worship my father. That was because he used me as a private eye into the new life my mom and step dad had together. He used me as a weapon against her. To gather information. To cause trouble. To get in trouble so he could accuse them of mistreating me. And so, there goes me, an innocent, sensitive, mild, beautiful, well-intended child, directly into the inferno. Set up. He set me up so he had content to take to court in a custody battle that he surely would have lost. Had it not been for me, informing him, believing that being disciplined was being abused and believing that o was above needing to be disciplined, and so calling him to come pick me up from my moms house. A victory for him. A win. Some sort of confirmation. And all through the years, I thought I meant something. I didn’t. These are people to run from. Just run from. My psyche and life in general are so significantly broken that I’m not sure there’s repair. My life was supposed to be special. He stole it. And if you asked him today how he felt about discouraging his incredibly brilliant daughter from going away to school to pursue her dream, he would lie. But I have it recorded. He said that his doctor told him he would need a “very supportive, loyal, family to help him recover from his surgery. He was justifying discouraging me from my dream. He felt more important than seeing that his daughter lived the life she wanted for herself. He was entitled to the care of HIS daughter. His daughter was not entitled to her own life. Sick. It’s sick. It is so difficult to see the reality surfacing. I sacrificed a life of helping others to be there for someone I thought loved me more than anyone could love anyone. He only loves himself. I am living with his again. I am 39, had multiple abusive relationships, many with narcissists. I’ve been abused, I have multiple broken vertebrae in my spine and a slew of other health problems. I’ll never have what I was born to achieve because of serving with blind obedience to someone who got into the center of my head to convince me to worship the ground he walked upon. It is a devastating truth to know I’ll never have children to raise differently. I’ll probably never finish that college degree. I’ll definitely never get an apology from that narcissist. I don’t care what started this patttern of behavior because I know that he knows it is wrong. All of it. It’s amazing to see how many lies can come from a man who preached nothing more than the virtue of truth. No. This man convinced a little girl, me, that he was showing me love, offering me insight, support, and guidance while what he was truly doing was psychologically manipulating me. It was brainwashing and indoctrination. I was gaslit to the point of being unable to trust my own interpretation and perception of things. That little girl still lives inside me. There are no excuses for the willful harm done. I idolized my abuser.
Those who have never met creatures like that cannot even imagine how malignant they are. The deeper and broader the damage they cause- the more gleeful they are.
Yes. It is awful. They feed on the spirit of good people. It truly doesn’t matter why or how they got that way. What matters is that they got that way. And the abuse really is unimaginable and entirely disorienting. The longer the abuse, the deeper the effect. As you said. I realize every day that the trauma is so deep. Just so deep. And there people are professional foolers. Professional liars, actors, etc. I think I am affected on much deeper levels, hurt on. Pieces of me I never knew existed l. It feels like too much. Like I’m still stunned by it all. But thank you for your reply. I feel very alone right now so it means a lot.
Thank you very much for addressing this. My dad immigrated from a war torn country, and my mom grew up in dire poverty. While I don’t believe either of them are narcissists, it did give me insight into other aspects of their personalities and changes I should make in my life.
Dear Dr. Ramani. I just want to confirm what you must already know: This information is SO extremely valuable and such a gem. Thank you so much for making this video because it gives a voice and dignity to so many people.
This could be a great opening chapter of a book more appropriately entitled "The Narcissism / Psychopathy of the Ruling Class." Dense in the best sense of the word, Dr. Ramani is informed by her professional practice and personal insights. This is cross-disciplinary critical thinking skills at its best. Taking out a sheet of blank paper or three, and drawing mind-maps of what she is saying, helps connect her ideas and their implications. What she is saying is adding another dimension to A. Lobaczewski's book on Political Ponerology ... or vice-versa. Especially, her insights on the blindness of privilege, helps describe an angle on why collectively, humanity is incapable of moral progress, and personally requires a lifetime of study and practice.
All the more reason to keep reminding myself : It's not me ‼️ It's not my fault ‼️ It's useless to strive to change them‼️ I can find sanity, serenity and peace despite their attempts to control ‼️
I am from Indonesia. My parents families treats each other based on their earning so a lot of bullying and backstabing. Yet they wont turn away or cut connection because it just how they are. My parents were in proverty and become the rest of the sibbling punching bag. In turn, I was their puching bags, not only emotionally but also physically. I was often beaten. My sisters who born years after me are the golden and favorite children. I was desperate looking for scholarship to study overseas to run away from this dynamic. Now my parents are well off. I thought they will be better but no. They showcase their wealth like a revenge from their past proverty. I was pressured to puchase house, car, and pay for their oversease holidays. When I refused or cut them up, they are upset with me, called me prodigal daughter. They demanded to be respected and obeyed. They angry because my refusal to contribute and wont accept my decision to walk away.
What a great subject! The level of violence and narcissists in the Brazilian society should be studied by this angle. It’s unbelievable how younger men can be worse than their ancestors!
Brilliant. You've covered all angles, Dr. Ramani. You've made it so my barrier or wall, still has a flow filter for understanding and compassion and not rendered any less sturdy.
Yes, I'll keep my eyes open. I think a lot of the very (religious backgrounds) carry these types of characteristics in cultural/society that affects people & in their mindsets. From parents to grandparents & great grandparents...at times....
We definitely need to be educated at large & healed to move on with a much positive society for future generations. To breach the gaps caused by ignorance & negligence by the so called people in power. And take our own power back & be free & healed & pass that onto our future communities & future generations & reverse all dysfunctional bad patterns. Thanks again for another teaching Dr.Ramani. God Bless! ❤✌🏻
Thank you Dr Ramani. This talk means so much to me. We need more conversation on this topic across the world. Healing can come from understanding. When I finally was able to understand this about my family, the plug of anger released and intelligent compassion poured out. It has made all the difference in my life ❤
All forms the ISMS.....very nice mentioned.All forms of ism.... which cut and create deep wounds. If we excuse them, we continue to transmeet them further into younger generations, keeping them alive.They cut you since childhood, you cut all these patterns to reclaim yourself, myself.I can t sacrifice myself for such parents, grandparents or partners.I create safety for my innerself, heal her and go on with the life.And oh, neglect for the emotional states " You become the ONE everywhere our dear daughter, you don t humiliate our name and we bring to you the paradise, since you deserve it".You should deserve everything not because you are a human being, but because from what you do and what you do as a woman, is never enough at those countries like mine, never enough......and you overwork yourself, you try so hard everywhere without understanding that with all high achievements, you loose your real self forever as you keep tight the control, you keep it strongly with your nails, scared that if you loose it, the patriarcs will have it finally, abusing it, abusing you with their power.....It searches a great courage to understand where you come from, what damages you ve experienced, and to start to break all the walls around you, revealing your flesh with nerves and blood to undergo a long term proccess of healing, in order to be a whole human being, accepted, understood, appreciated and loved by yourself firstly even though this maby will cost a whole earthial life.It is worthy to understand first and foremost that sensitivity is human, is not wrong, is not too much.That your basic needs are real needs and not a luxury you are searching for.That you have the right to feel all the feelings caused by bad behaviours, that you have the right to call your abusers out whoever they are, brothers, fathers, uncles etc.That you should be given more and nothing from the "sacrificed" done by them wasn t a sacrifice since you were their child and we do for our children is not a sacrifice but a privilege....You have been always worthy as a human being and your pain, your feelings are real and you have all tbe rights to feel them.None wants to feel pain from nowhere, don t releave them from the burden of what have done to you, through obeying them, feeling guilty in front of them and devaluating yourself.With their justification, we who search the finally peace and freedom have no chance to escape their jail.Setting boundaries is very very important!And the term " boundary" doesn t even exist in their concepts, they don t accept it, they would lough with it, calling you too sensitive and just a" doll". Indeed it s not that moment of reflection and taking actions that you are a doll, you have been always a doll in their lives, since a doll is taken to play with with the play" baby and her parents".A doll shouldn t have feelings, sensitivity, shoukdn t cry since she is a strong girl and strong girls don t cry, a doll shouldn t have a voice, a doll shouldn t ask and search for nothing.She should always be in good shape, beautiful, well dressed, nice to everyone......
Don't know what I would do without you Dr. Ramani. I used to say I came from extreme dysfunction, and I married into it twice. Now I say I come from a narcissitic family and married into one twice. The education I have received from you is priceless. It's life saving, literally. I've been in and out of therapy all my adult life. It's funny none of my therapists ever mentioned this personality disorder. Why? I did have one therapist that I told I thought my husband had NPD. She totally agreed with me. And, here's why. Her father has NPD. So, she recognized the signs I told her. We could finish each other's sentences regarding our narcs. They are so predictable. Thank you Dr. Ramani for educating us all! You save lives. You make people's lives better.
Great Video here ... My wholehearted gratitude to you🤗❤️❤️❤️ for sharing this. I've dealt with these sorts, decades ago..... it's deeply rooted, yes! you are 💯% right, instead they largely gang up, constantly invalidate, dis- regulate, minimise and hide behind the superiority complex to further suppress and control me, I couldn't bear it anymore, therefore I cut ties completely. Thanks to your life changing videos and books.etc,.my confidence & sanity are back to normal This toxic generational curse and unhealthy patterns ends with me...it def. ends with us. We've got to be better at gaining self awareness, education on healthy patterns,, I am implementing it everyday, embracing peace & reciprocal friendly loving relationship or situations and now, I've gained more clarity.🙏🏾💝💝
Dr. Ramani, The verbiage you use in this video was well thought out and spot on to what’s happening in this country, trickling down into our communities. It’s also the top down approach of the behavior aftermath from the Trump administration and our partners (generational or cultural), and leaders!
100%! My parents were children of WWII and grandchildren of WWI in Germany and Switzerland. Their Parents and Grandparents, Great-Grandparents etc survived WWI, revolutions and Napoleonic Wars in our area. I absolutely see how they and their parents/grandparents etc. were/had to be the way they were to survive physically, financially, emotionally. Egocentric mindsets to survive. Then again there were people in my family from their generations who were kind and loving....
Coming from a Spanish descent i can totally relate about being invalided and gaslighted by my family! I have always been emotional and expressive person and it wasnt accepted by my my narcissistic mother or grandmother or ex-husband! It made me very alone and deeply hurt! I always made excuses for my family even though they were emotionally abusive and neglectful and trauma! I can totally relate to this video! I want thank you Dr. Ramani for explaining the cultural/generational narcissist!
For at least three generations the attitude toward emotions on both sides of my family is that they are childish. Women were designated as permanent children needing to be taken care of by a man. Childishness was beaten out of everyone. My dad was never going to stop trying to dictate how I should live my life and spewing his chronic disappointment. My mother is too much mess to describe here. Both are sickening. I disconnected ten years ago. I’m sad about that but I love my freedom and myself more than I ever loved them. They were beyond selfish role models so they really shouldn’t have to strain to hard to figure out why I decided to put myself and my health first. I don’t think we owe our parents anything for bringing us into this world. I wish mine hadn’t.
Humans are like worker bees for the Queens of the hives. Humans are like Army Ants in constant War. Life on planet Earth is like episodes of Rod Serling’s TWILIGHT ZONE. 😢😢😢😢❤
Who cares? My ex has been a burden, to his children for 30yrs. They drove him (DUI) they paid his rent as teenagers. In adulthood, he has camped out at business, in an RV. Solution, son moved business 300 miles. 🧚♀🧚♀🕊🕊
@@athenabaker6359 well I care. I happen to love my three grandkids. It’s not always as cut and dry as it can be when it’s an EX! I wouldn’t care then either. Buts it’s kind of awful for you to comment that way to someone when you don’t know their story.
Excellent video. I've often ruminated over this as a multicultural country as the US is with so many survivor stories and elitist families over hundreds of years, that were about as close to a nation of narcissists too to bottom. I do know that it's human to be classist. We seek status over others because it makes our lives easier at least in the first few rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. And Americans are so fiercely individualistic that we celebrate the exceptional ones among us eleven for the most mundane activities. Now internet notoriety is perhaps more desired than actual reality and there is no shortage of social media channels filled with narcissistic, lifestyle influencers. But the addition of SM to our culture was essentially like adding steroids to an already physically gifted athlete. But further to this, other cultures around the world have cultural narcissism based off of cast societies. Japan, India, and China for instance have the same status driven elitism as in Dark Ages Europe and tribal Africa. It's sadly derived from our survival mechanism embedded in our genome. On a personal level, my grandmother had been much like this. Her parents were immigrants and she and her siblings endured a hard young life from the early 1910s until after WWII. I heard ALL the stories about how they suffered but pressed on and were thankful for the small things. None were educated beyond the 8th grade and they had less emotional range than a Irish Setter. Apologies were not something they did among each other and she and her sisters were brutally honest about their feelings even if their understanding on a perceived slight was mistaken. Often her favorite phrase to me for not wanting to eat or wear something was "What?! Are too proud?", which was often followed by "Back in my day...". I had struggled with this for a very long time and at times have found myself even using this on my kids despite the fact that I have done so much to avoid repeating these mistakes. And I do believe that to be narcissistic doesn't mean that you'll be culturally / generationally narcissistic as well as if you are culturally/generationally aware you can still be an individual narcissist. I believe these two to be mutually exclusive but if you are aware of one it is possible to become aware of the other if it exists.
Understanding has been crucial for my sanity...having been told repeatedly..it's me that has the problem...I have to learn to take it, and take it, and take it...until I realized that's enabling the bullies and beating the victims over the head. Understanding I'm not..the problem has been life saving..thanks again doc..bless you..
I've often suspected that the narcissistic man in my life became that way through his culture(Orthodox Jewish). Put on a pedestal by & very enmeshed with his mother. Tense, unemotional relationship with his foreign born father.
In my country, I am part of an ethnic group that prominent politicians, university professors, respected media figures, and other high profile people routinely and openly call for our genocide. We face disproportionate violence in the streets, our young girls are targeted for rape. But we can not say anything because if we do we get in trouble with the law and lose our jobs, often we go to jail if we try to defend ourselves against attack. No one will listen because we are the scapegoat. Everything is blamed on us.
This. So much this. I've been waiting for someone to publicly talk about cultural/generational narcissism. Thank you for validating my experiences and thoughts.
My ex narcs mother is a narc. There you have it. I always wondered why all my ex siblings don't have anything or very little to do with their aging mother other than my ex narc. It all fits now.
Red flag don’t turn green You can’t move forward if you’re constantly looking at the past So you don’t have to stick around waiting. I know this certified cyber expert and private investigator he’ll be glad to offer my hacking and full phone cloning services to anyone dealing with infidelity. He can provide access to old messages as far back as for years back social media accounts access, pictures, videos and even deleted texts conversations also Recovery of email accounts.. it helped in divorce ,custody case and cold cases Message him privately for help 👆👆
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have faith that everyone in my family, myself included, are capable of healing...and your video gives me so much hope. Thank you. ❤
Thank you for putting words and validation to what I experienced, Dr. Ramani. Both of my parents had narcissistic personality traits, but my father was the one I was afraid of from the time I was a toddler. He was rageful, entitled, and immature. As I got older, I could see that he was obsequious and insecure around people he admired. Yes, I have clear memories from very early in my life. Even at that young age, I sensed that he was unstable and unpredictable. I think he didn't like me when he realized that the parent-child connection between us was broken. They both came from another country and that's all I'll say online. They experienced some of the situations you describe. My mother passed away recently, but shortly before she did I asked her if she remembered the time when, while her father was visiting us, she asked me if I wanted to go to (her home country) and live with him. She had dementia, so I was surprised when she said she remembered. I had just turned six at the time. I sensed then that it was a serious question. She must have been worried about how I was being treated, but she was never able to stand up to my father--it just wasn't in her personality. I seriously considered it. I knew it would be an "out" of my situation, but I was too young to cut ties with her. I said no. Grandpa was kind to me during the couple of weeks of his visit. I knew he liked me--something I wasn't sure of with my parents. Visiting with him was like drops of water in a desert that didn't know anything else but drought. Years after that, I wondered how my life might have been different. Well, water under the bridge. A lifetime later, I think I came away better than the golden child sister who seems to lack empathy and seems emotionally immature and stunted.
This video resonates with me so very much and has answered so many questions I have been having for years, thank you so much!! I come from a rice farmer Asian culture, and devotion/sacrifice for your piece of land, for your family and thankfulness for your anscesters were still pretty important during my childhood in the '70s. Among other things, our cultural tradition is charactereized by unhappy hard working family slave women. I very often used to stand in the kitchen with my mother and listen to her complain about how much work she had, how she hated the neighbourhood she married into, how badly she was treated by my father, how little help she got from her mother-in-law(my grandmother) with childcare and so on, and so on. But somehow many women like her were also proud of suffering and enduring so much. The belief was that they have become better people because of the suffering. They also put so much sense of guilt and shame on daughters who have more freedom, always in a very subtle way. I left home, I have married a narcissist but have put an end to it. My parents had hoped I would come back to them but I didn't. Now I have my freedom. But I sometimes have been feeling so guilty, guilty for being free, guilty for feeling happy, guilty for not wanting to be like my parents, guilty for not liking the family tradition, guilty for doing what I want to do....
I think that cultural/generational narcissism is still extremely common in the UK with its long history of classism that still remains in place to this day. I grew up within an ethnic minority in an urban area with a long history of poverty and deprivation that still persists to this day. My ethnic group's own history of trauma and discrimination combined with the area's long history of deprivation, so that looking back to childhood/adolescence, I cannot identify a single person in my sphere (family, friends and acquantances) that wasn't narcissistic or antagonistic in some way. Now, as a 24 year old adult, I have my fair share of mental health issues due to complex trauma from chronic, frequent interpersonal abuse during childhood and adolescence. Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to leave the area and am no longer in contact with my toxic family of origin.
Good for you you will be fine, as you age those wounds will begin to heal over time and good experiences that you create because now you have the power. Now you may just need a coach or mentor to help you drop any learned/second nature victim habits you might have learned along the way and wiped you canvas clean for your new journey/master piece.
Yes, sometimes it's best to sever contact with family and the area you lived in. I was brought up in the north east of England, left when I was 18 and have never gone back.
This is one of the most RU-vid videos I've seen. I feel like this is a really high-quality lecture in the social sciences. Gonna have to return to it to take it all in.
It is. Dr. Ramani is one of the absolute best on the web for those of us who are survivors and trying to grapple with this in a world full of enablers.
There was a reddit post where a man's wife had died. He was left to care for 3 kids and work hard. Her parents called him 3 years later to say the father in law retired and now he was supposed to take care of them because he married their daughter. They never helped him. Just out of nowhere, 3 years later, take care of 2 healthy 65 year olds. My God the narcissism
Thank you for pointing out that we cannot, and should not, be our parent's or partner's therapist. Especially our parent's, as they are likely to have damaged us when they were 'raising' us. My GP's advice is to leave, otherwise, people like that force you to drown with them. Sometimes, literally, like joint suicide, or suicide murder.
Thank you doctor. I believe peace for humanity can change when these ppl can respect each individual human being without judgment and trying to gain control with power over another person's view. We are ALL humans. Blessings and peace is all I wish for everyone. Mbba
You friggin nailed this Dr. Ramani 🤌🏽 clear, detailed, great examples, DYNAMiTE!! Bravo 👏🏾 thank you again for being yourself and for blessing us! Hope to see you at the retreat 🤙🏽
TRIGGER WARNING on War, Thanks for taking your time to make this video and go through the example of that war background stuff, cause I do feel like my brother and I hadn’t had the best childhood because of it.
I call this a narcissistic cult. 3 of 4 grandparents were narcs or sociopaths. One parent....at least half of my mothers sibling group are narcs or have another personality disorder including her. Several more in my generation including the oldest of my brothers. I ended up raising his sociopathic child. A generational nightmare!!
This is amazing! I find that it puts together all the pieces of the puzzle I've been struggling with since I was a young child. Though I believe I did find my own way to interpret and handle my situation, having confirmation of the existence of such predicaments on a large scale is soothing somehow, yet also sad. I've had a much harder time setting those boundaries with my family in law and therefore want to thank you for the advice regarding the power we each have to make a positive difference in our own lives no matter what!
Brilliant presentation. A very difficult subject to broach, Dr. R. has brought to light a very complicated, rarely touched upon view of the cultural and generational behaviors and ‘norms’ that have had their impact on our mental state both as a society and as individuals. We often hear, or say ourselves ‘they did the best they could’ but that’s where it ends. We need to realize however, how WE were/are affected by it and that we’re not making an excuse for our behaviors or taking on the victim role. It’s okay to recognize and seek a resolution to the effects this has had upon us and seek help for ourselves. Great video!
