I lost my big brother to cancer a few months ago and this is the first song that came (meant for other humans to hear) after his death.
We have also, just this week learned that my mother too has cancer. We are breathing with these two truths.
…
This is a time of year for deep reflection, for waiting, for incubation and for mystery. Maybe because of that I’ve often found it easier to say difficult things this time of year when the darkness shines and the stars crackle with icelight. The bright broken darkness demands some kind of honesty, or at least a good try.
When Peter was dying we didn’t get to talk with him about it. when he was sick we never mentioned the possibility of death- it was too much for him and maybe for us, and he I think couldn’t bare to see our faces in pain or fear. So we made dirty jokes and talked about sports and watched The Three Amigos and, thank god, told him we loved him over and over and over.
But still
I wish
Dearly
That we had talked about dying
And I guess I wonder if we all did, if we thawed ourselves to the possibility of death and held eachother within it, I wonder if it would make it more impossible to look away from the death and suffering of others. If we looked at our own maybe we would extend our gaze and hold, somehow, the sacred and sometimes terrible reality of the end of any life, and hold it precious.
I sing this song with love and regret and as a blessing to my brother I hope.
And I sing it with great respect for your dead and mine, and with love for all you living ones, looking for what’s true in the darkness and guarding your own tiny spark in the particular cold of this particular time.
Abigail
Ps I know it’s 6 minutes long just try ♥️😂
15 сен 2024
