What a BPD Episode Looks Like 

MedCircle you should cover Bipolar Disorders I and II. I’d love to have an insight on my mental illness from the words of Dr. Ramani.

Please cover relationship between NPD and bpd . And how does it lead to Bpd rage.

Coparenting with a borderline

How gluten may cause Narcissism/Borderline personality/codependents/Bipolar/schizophrenia and more as it affects the gut lining so less nutrients absorb which affects the brain/body/personality/mood. Low oxygen in the brain may cause depression/anxiety/obsessing/no sleep/panic/suicidal thoughts due to cells not being made right to burn oxygen due to gluten. Gluten issues are due to low sunlight which causes autoimmune issues. Whole family trees may be Celiac. Tests may not work to diagnose it. Hair test can show low minerals/heavy metals. Genova tests can show allergies/hormones/vitamins. Zyto scan can show infections and how organs/glands are working. Grain free may help since gluten is wheat/barley/rye..oats/corn/rice. Rice is low in gluten. Wild rice is a grass which is gluten free.

Schizophrenia..can be gluten..high Cu/low Zn and other minerals. Bipolar can be low Lithium and other minerals due to gluten. Gluten/GM0/antibiotics/Lyme etc may hurt the gut lining so less nutrients absorb. Psychosis can be due to low B vitamins. People can heal as you fix the root cause.

Yup. Really sucks, I feel sorry to the people who are in my presence at times as I know it’s so draining and taxing on others.

So do you apologize or just feel shame?

I can definitely relate to that. I live with so much guilt and shame just about every day even for things that happened 25 years ago. I can't seem to break the cycle.

@@Libbertyone both

Has anyone thought about trying psychedelics- with assisted therapy?

i literally feel like i wake up from a trance when its over. i tell my s.o that im leaving and im done with the relationship, then when he gets upset with me i hate myself and realize what ive done. its horrible. ive hurt and manipulated him and so many of my friends. i just wish i knew how to fix it and be normal

That's the problem

Exactly

What the best way you see to handle this episode of rollercoaster please? Cause my gf is definitely like you

My girlfriend recently visited her best friend in Sacramento and I felt abandoned. My mind started racing with all these delusional thoughts about how she doesn’t love me, she’s gonna cheat on me, I’m done. And it was a whole weekend of that. Alone in my apt for 3 days feeling like I’m crazy, wanting to harm myself, wanting to just disappear

Yes big time . I feel like a confused alien who's stuck on a planet where no one else works this way and I'm like 'where is my home ' and feel like I need a spaceship to go back to my own land bcos this land is not for me

oh my God, I hope you can read my post that I just put out before I saw yours and I am also very scared to be friends with someone because I know that if this friend gives me a lot of attention whether it’s man or woman I am going to be so attached so obsessed and like I said, in my earlier comment, people will start freaking out and saying girl I’m not a lesbian I don’t like what you making me feel like with. How are you treating me? Why are you acting this way and I don’t know either.😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Yes, I isolate but I don't really get attached.

😩😩we need real help

Yup, that's me! I've played the 'push me, pull you' dance my whole life, and it's only now in my mid-fifties that I think I might have BPD. It makes so much sense.

ugh this is one of my biggest problems because i get so attached at first and then it’s gone and i leave or start “splitting” like leaving for any small reason. i’m not sure how to stop this favorite person thing

I understand this so much. I would tell someone I love them. I'd feel so obsessed with them. And then *I* would leave them even though I thought I loved them so much because my feeling's faded just like that.

Same with me but it stays

I can relate to this

Yes. It’s like I wake up one day and I’m like .. umm.. I don’t like them😬

mine is betrayal of trust and loyalty in Romantic Retationship......

same

same here.

Get out of my head

Me too

It really is. My bf does one little thing that isn’t even bad and I react and panic😭

Yep.

Same

LEONA exhausting indeed

I can relate

Same here

I feel exactly the same... And my god that is extremely exhausting. What hurts me the most is that I'm type of person that don't speak their mind and even if i decided to i don't find anyone to speak to about.... It feels like no one cares And having to experience all this pain in silence is killing me slowly 💔

a lot of times i can’t even make eye contact with the person that i treated poorly because i’m so ashamed of myself

Why don’t you see a professional to help you adapt with exercise when you’re going through those emotions?

11 weeks OK my ex blocked me everywhere. his stuffs at my house. he'd always kick me out in a rage or cut me off. silent treatments etc. his moods were allover. I've no idea why he's not collected his stuff. this is the 4th znd longest time he's cut me off. he usually goes on dating sites and finds women online to enjoy. he also has an ex he can't get over after 3.5 years. I always knew I never came close. does this sound borderline? his reactions always seemed odd.

This must be very hard for you. You’re a strong person who is so entirely loveable. Please don’t give up on find strategies to navigate your tougher times. We are a whole community of good people trying to get well. Love n hugs.

The people with BPD I have met all talked about their suffering. I believe them and I wish they wouldn't suffer so much. Unfortunately I have noticed that they mostly don't care about my problems and suffering, sometimes even caused by their behaviour. 😐

@@LadiesOfThePleiades thank you for your kind response and care. ❤️ I was just recently diagnosed, and receiving that diagnosis sent me down a very dark road. I am in therapy to learn coping skills and just want people to know me as the same loving person I was before I received the diagnosis. Sure, I have trouble regulating emotion, but I’m not violent, manipulative, or evil. I’m very loving and make it my mission to try to be as good to others as possible.

@@janark4078 thanks for writing and expressing empathy. I can imagine what you have been through in dealing with a person with BPD who is unrepentant, doesn’t take responsibility, etc. I would hope that that person is in therapy and is committed to getting help to strengthen their relationships. Ultimately, your responsibility is to protect yourself. Set strong boundaries and remove yourself from a harmful situation. NOTE: I would say, if you have to cut yourself off from a BPD person’s life, or even just for a period of time, it would be helpful for them to know why they are being cut off or which behavior is problematic. Being abandoned/rejected is our worst fear, so we will be more distressed not knowing why someone ghosted us. We also can’t change a behavior that no one told us is wrong.

I feel the same❤

When some of them so called genius said why you didn't work hard to improve your mental condition? They talk like they know our entire condition.

There’s actually a lot of us that understand ❤️

That's true. I lost a lot of my friends this year because of it. I exploded with rage and they just told me: 'You've been hurting us for too long' and just told me to go away, and that they wished they never had been my friend. I'm pretty...broken right now...

Mariela F I’ve gone through this. You’re not alone. I don’t do this with friends but I do it constantly with family. I see myself reacting so angrily like I’m watching it from inside. Its so destructive feeling but you are not alone! Reading other comments is making me realize too how other people understand me. It will get better. Hang in there. God loves you.

Yes I know. People say I’m sensitive and they call me a baby

Yesss I feel like the most self aware and socially blind person at the same fucking time

I think that's why my therapist suggests practicing mindfulness. There are some TedTalks on it. Check it out.

Yes!!!

Agree 100%. 😥

Game changer if we can just learn how to use that awareness consistently and in the right way to cope

I was also diagnosed with Bipolar low, PTSD, MDD and anxiety. I had to stop taking the bipolar meds because they made me Feel Crazy. My last Primary care Dr tried me on Adderall, and it has been a lifesaver for me. Not for adhd, more for focus. Before, I could not focus on one problem at a time. They were all jumbled in my head and became extremely overwhelming which triggered my episodes of fear, panic attacks, and finally exploding at everything and everyone. I take antidepressants as well, but I no longer take the latuda or ability so I don't think they diagnosed me correctly. I will be asking my current primary care Dr about this and see if he has someone that he can refer me to for a re-assessment.

What medication

I was diagnosed in my 30s but refused to accept it. I'm 66 now and alone because of mismanaging my relationships. I see now and have accepted that I have been the cause of my inability to maintain a healthy relationship. I feel ashamed...but have no choice but to have compassion for myself as I wasn't able to do any better.

I have antisocial but my ex has Bipolar but we'll argue but I always told her she was narcissist but it just May be bipolar

I have bpd and veryyyyy bad eyesight, I can confirm this is exactly what it felt like . after so many years of wondering why I was different and “what was wrong with me” (I no longer use such terminology - It’s hard and I don’t always stick to this but I find it helps at least when I can remember) becoming self aware is tough sometimes but it feels like waves of calm the easier it becomes when you can realise you are splitting or to realise you are being paranoid etc depending on what symptoms you have. Just know you are not alone my friend, I wish you the kindest of recoveries ❤️‍🩹

Iam with bpd too i got when i was 18 years old due ti harsh treatments and hatred and jealousy had no friends just cuz i was intelligent .. many of my friends are intelligent but people would love and support them but hated me.. idk why and this cycle didnt stopped ..

Yup, it's exactly the same for me too. Especially the "people focused" matter

Same!!

Interesting! And you sweet people who commented in this thread.... do all of you have the BPD diagnosis? And you don't have Complex PTSD? I'm only asking because I definitely have cptsd but I also recognize the things you all are talking about... I don't get triggered in my own company but often in company of others and if they criticize or don't believe me... Perhaps someone can make me wiser about myself through your experiences. Hugs and best wishes to all of you❤🌎🙏

Same. It's very subjective.

I am exactly the same way. Seems everything is people triggered.

I get this way after my episodes. The second the anger stops it's like someone unplugs me and I'm stuck in a prison of self hatred.

Yeah same here its the worst feeling 😔

What do you suggest your loved one should do, when on an episode of rage?

Holy shit that’s exactly right. There really isn’t any anger that I know of before it happens, but during it it is exactly like I mentally and socially “shutdown” where I barely say any words to anyone and just feel incredibly cold and empty almost. I wonder if I do have BPD because it only happens on social situations and I’ve read about so many other people with diagnosed BPD talk about the same/similar experience.

@@chrisiceheart Have you ever dissociated? Where your body feels tingly and numb and you have a hard time focusing. It can feel like you’re in a dream or I say it feels like I’m in the Matrix but I know it.

I highly relate to this. I get super triggered when I feel like I’m unwanted or people are judging me, I literally can’t handle criticism it sends me into a self hate spiral!

Thank you for sharing your perspectives, it really helps us non-BPDers understand you guys. My ex also could not handle anything that remotely looked like criticism. I still live with her and tonight I went to turn down the hotplate so the food wouldn't burn as she got distracted with a conversation. BOOM!!! Big blow up. I assume her mind processed that as an "im not cooking right" criticism. It wasn't actually the BPD that caused me to walk away, it was more the refusal to admit her condition. If you've admitted your situation and are taking steps to improve you are doing well in my book.

You are doing great. The self awareness and mindfulness of things like DBT and CBT are life changing and I’m glad you’re seeing relief. I’ve also heard of emotional intelligence training being helpful!

perfectly said

Lol well said i dated someone with the disorder too. I wish i shared your perspective ab not wanting to fix someone. For me the baggage attracted me to her more and I wanted to be able to fix. Boy was I wrong for that

Well said! So well said!

@@shanksbakes1925 I can't lie I started that way with codependent traits on my end but at some point it crossed a line where I realized that putting my own needs first was simply survival. I think for me that point was when she took a bottle of pills in response to me setting some boundaries.

Whatever you do, don't feel bad for your decisions. Borderline myself, and i've dated a borderline person. It's pure emotional hell and there's not a thing you can ever do. Either A: Leave or B: Become codependant and give up your life for another persons illness you simply cannot help. It's hell.

Lol...me too!

Agreed. Got so distracted seeing that beautiful dog get such sweet loving pats I've had to pause the video to see if a dog-related comment had already been made... Now back to something to do with dogs, sorry, I mean BPD... 😉

Yeap same 😊

I got my dog because I was severely depressed, he's my best friend and calms me so much. Hes been a godsend, somedays I felt like I couldn't get out of bed but my akita will pull my sleeve until I get up and do what he wants so have no choice to which is what I need sometimes.

Beautiful dog.

Me too :(

I can relate

Mine too like I can't control my reactions/emotions. Completely terrifying

What say you on how to handle you when on an episode?

I’m so grateful to have read all these messages. I always end up hurting the people I love especially my husband. I never notice I’m having an episode while it’s happening because my anger and sadness always make sense at the moment and when it’s over I feel like I have to reassure him I love him again. I can’t control it and I feel like a terrible person after. I find so much comfort knowing I’m not alone and I’m not crazy

So how do you convince someone you love them when they are convinced other? It because sometimes scary to be around even, because person doesn’t control the other side at all. That’s the saddest part of it.

All this makes a lot of sense. My ex would often say I hate her after she had an episode. Was I pissed off, sure. But hate her, no. She would often say "love yourself" to me. Because I'm trained in behavioural psychology i knew she was projecting. When you understand the human mind (and especially trauma) all these things become clearly evident. Not sure i understand your comment about gaslighting. My ex gaslit me all the time. Most of the times I could just ignore it and not react. But dang if it just doesn't wear a person down even though I knew it was a coping strategy that she wasn't conscious of. Us folks who have been burned by someone with BPD also wish and hope for a cure too 🙏 Just because we leave in the end doesn't mean we don't care about you, it just means we can't cope with the abuse anymore that's all. For me there's only compassion 💛

There is help. DBT, CBT and emotional intelligence training can help you control and regulate your emotions which prevent and help undo the spiraling. I really recommend looking into these things. They take practice and trust but people see significant improvement to mental health and helps improve thinking patterns

​@@heavenlymirror3095 CONSISTENCY. My boyfriend has looked me in the eye before and told me to trust him and believe in him. That hit home. But when he then believed that was enough and started ghosting me, it became a repeat cycle. It was almost as if he was intentionally torturing me, knowing how much pain it would bring, and effectively waiting for me to flip out on him again, accuse him of being unfaithful, tell him he is nothing but a waste of my time, etc. He would admit he'd watch all the texts come through and "not play into it." That was the WORST thing he could've done because it gave me no stability. Every single time I lost my temper and began texting him mean things, I felt horrible, to the extent of self hatred. Literal loathing of myself... and wanted to die, thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me and now, because I couldn't "control" myself and have the strength to just go silent, I'd must've lost him. You have no idea the pain we feel as soon as we feel you don't love us or will get sick of us and leave. Best things you can do is text more. Say I LOVE YOU more and mean it. Sweep her off her feet and give in the relationship, using your words. Tell her why she's important. Make it count. Make her feel more love than she's ever felt, and keep it stable and consistent. Eventually you will win her over and these things will stop. But you need to look at the triggers. For instance, what usually starts the behavior? What is she saying *you're doing* to "provoke" it?

Becoming verbally and physically violent due to an episode and saying it's an excuse, is like saying the alcoholic has a right to smash stuff and hit his wife because he has a problem. There's no excuse for it after you've lost control once.

It can at times be impossible to have these relationships. They have to be honest and want to change, if not youre life will be miserable. I tried for years with someone who was in denial about having the condition. I was always wrong and she never apologised. It was so sad because I believe we could have made it work if she'd looked within for the problems instead of blaming me.

Felt this massively

@@not2longnow unless they're in therapy avoid BPD and NPD.

I relate so much to this. You are not the problem. A lot of people with diagnosis still struggle to accept they need professional help and can not expect an untrained personal to help them cope or to go beyond normal human abilities to make them never feel bad. They are people that are extremely self involved because they’re worried about protecting themselves from harm, not others. I have a bpd loved one that actually didn’t see the issue with liking somebody feeling suicidal over them because it made them feel secure. They are very sick people (no hate) that need more help and support than an average untrained person can give AND THEY have to learn to take accountability and responsibility for their issue and realize their problems are theirs to work on not others

​@@kumashock4074 that's not actually true. My boyfriend has ADHD. HE TOO has to work on his issues, because he's ghosted me so many times due to his condition that it contributed to my lack of trust and I ended up looking like an absolute lunatic. I've since told him I'm studying adhd at length along with my own "emotional disregulation". Guess which one of us is really trying? I've spent 3 long days and nights, hours upon end watching videos, reading studies, reading comments, etc. to find solutions. I've told him how dreadfully sorry I am that I've hurt him so much. He seems happy to know I'm committing to fixing it, and he's now communicating FAR LESS. It's as if he's handing me the entire mess to clean up including his own ADHD, while he has not done much at all to even talk about it, text me, etc. Today he called me. The conversation was less than 4 fn minutes because he didn't take the time to even show he cared to have a real conversation. But oops... he's "busy" so I'm supposed to just understand, and not react, right? Every since his roommate moved in a week ago, he's called me ONE of those days. One. We used to talk every day. Hence the never-ending spiral of not feeling valued or good enough. He rarely makes time to see me. We don't live together and we see eachother maybe twice a month. So no, it is not all up to the BPD person to make the changes. Oftentimes, the other person is a MUCH BIGGER PROBLEM than they're admitting. Just food for thought.

WORD

i know.... i often find myself watching these kinds of videos when im at my worst.... its comforting somehow

Definitely not alone!👋

My girls got bpd so that’s why I’m here but nah you’re not alone:)

Its pure hell dealing with these people

I did that too and still do. You're doing the best you can. Believe in yourself, even if you feel empty, you matter.

WOW! Hearing you say that helps me feel weirdly better, I'm not the only one.

Tiffanie Jackson I’m so afraid my bf is gonna cheat on me or leave me it’s so consuming I wanna leave him even though now we’re engaged and every time he’s not calling or taking too long at something normal I freak on the inside I used to trip out but he started getting cruel now I keep quiet so he doesn’t leave me but I’m afraid he will anyways a constant struggle inside now

I got this weird thing that I am just waiting to be replaced cause by then I won't have to interact with people anoymore but then if I feel like I am being replaced, I get so frustrated about my self too.

So fear of abandonment can cause me to abandon people? That would make me make sense to my wife.

Can you point me toward more info about giving birth and BPD. Looking back my wife seemed normal enough. Only outburst I recall while dating was her hitting her old beater of a car out of frustration while driving. But since our 1st kid was born it's been downhill. Trying to figure out what's going on with my wife.

What is the uncontrollable urge to murder stab shoot many people called By many I mean The people I hate not all people Bt there r mny I hate

What medication was working for you? My daughter who just turned 23 today has had an awful day and it's not her fault. Her dysphoria has been so bad on and off this whole week. She also has PTSD and MDD and her dysphoria is so bad because the emotions are all over the place and just extreme. She currently takes quite a few meds. She takes depakote, mirtazipine, Zoloft, and quetiapine or Seroquel as it's called. She also has very severe Interstital cystitis and PCOS and has been hospitalized for her physical issues as well as her mental disorders as well. Lately it feels as if her BPD is getting increasingly worse and I feel so helpless. Anyway, sorry so long, but as her mom and caregiver, I'm getting extremely concerned for her at this point

@@LaDawny1 has she tried lamotrigine?

@@mmcg2830 She hasn't tried it, but funny enough, she had a neurology report sent to her Dr and they recommended lamotrigine for her and her Dr wrote it down for me to ask her psychiatrist about prescribing it for her. She's had seizures in the past and we still don't know if it's due to bad med combos or an actual brain disorder, and so recently she had another EEG done to check for seizure activity in the brain and although I haven't received the results yet, the medication lamotrigine was recommended and I'm assuming it has psychological uses as well. It's been an incredibly difficult roller coaster of try this and try that for a few years now and finding what works has been so hard. Her medications have been changed again to abilify and effexor and she still takes Seroquel as well as her elmiron for her ic condition. Was lamotrigine helpful for you? I know that I have been fighting to get her with a therapist who does the DBT therapy which is supposed to be helpful for treating BPD. Thank you so much for your post and helpful offer, , my heart goes out to you and bless you and your husband for being there for you. The biggest help for someone struggling with BPD is having someone there to support them when others don't understand them. :)

@@LaDawny1 Please have your daughter try lamotrigine. Over the past 5 years, I have tried a long long list of medications, all of them never working out for me. Lamotrigine is the only one that's worked. I think it would be great for her considering it's used for BPD and seizures. Just a recommendation. :) I wish someone would have told me about it a long time ago

Thank you for this poetic description of the emotional intensity you feel. It's helping me understand a sister-in-law I have always found difficult.

This is exactly how I have felt my entire life and ive never been able to articulate it.

Thank you for sharing. My mom has BPD as well, and I really want to understand the roller coaster ride that seems to happen TO her emotionally. ♥️

Exactly 🥺

Thank you for sharing this. I hope this will help explain to my loved ones 🥺

She’s so lucky to have you, please take care of her and just know that she doesn’t mean the hurtful things that she might say to you

Reading this comment gives me hope...

Aww I am glad there r men like u, restores my faith in love respect and humanity

I wish I could meet a man like you. My exes used my mental issue card to even gaslighting me and mentally abuse me since they know how to make me even frustrated.

And how to manage this mental disorder if you don't mind sharing? My S.O has BPD too, we love each other, we generally respect and enjoy each other, but when he's having episode, he pushes me away and tries to break up. I don't want anyone else but him, and I always think that his pushing me away is just a product of him being overwhelmed by his intense emotions and his worry of being not enough. I'm trying to understand him better, but I seriously wish he would never push me away anymore 😅

My husband doesn't know anything about bpd but he 1.000percent has it....I explained the hurt I experience when he had a meltdown or what ever you call it....he said he's not saying he's sorry cuz he's tired of apologizing.....I don't even know what I do to set him off half the time...I don't even see it coming cuz everything seems good to me...??? This is heart breaking ..

But the BPD doesn't apologize or if they do, it's not heartfelt. The empathy isn't there.

My family member with BPD never apologizes and just expects everyone to continue on with the relationship as if nothing happened when she is ready to. It’s so hard when all of the abusive things she’s said have built up over the years and there’s no resolution

@@Silvia-0 Yup. And don’t ever have a bad day around them. They take the craziest things as slights and they’re off. And there is no convincing them that they misunderstood something. I’m either the greatest thing to happen to her or the worst person in the history of the planet.

@@RussBlake80 Well, damn. The people could say the same about triggering you. That you deserved it because you’re sensitive. But if you don’t mean it don’t apologize, I guess.

Trying to get too close too quickly is also an adaptation by children raised by alchohlics. That, along with not having any boundaries, contributes to my personality disorder. Have compassion for yourself.

​@@alau2058my folks don't drink

Tiffany Bartram I also have always described it as a on/off switch since my temper can go from 0-100 so fast over little things. Sucks

Oh my God SAME !!! Like sometimes I don’t even know what sets me off I just like switch it’s so frustrating

Thank you, you've helped me Come to an understanding with myself and a little peace knowing theres someone just like me out there and I'm not just loiny, I guess u took a little shame off my shoulders thanks

Yo you described my feelings exactly it’s such a paradox

Same

Exactly how I feel too. Very well put. Thankyou.

Hi Tammy, I am a Mother of a Daughter aged 22 who was recently diagnosed with BPD. All the symptoms you experience are so intense and exhausting for you and I see this with my daughter. She was taking medication and attending DBT programs, but has discontinued both. Currently she expresses hatred towards me and wants nothing to do with. I’ve worked hard to understand and help her and we do love each other. Have you experienced this with close family members. I wish you well each day Tammy...peace be with you. Hugs

Wow so cool to read this and see someone understand how I feel ! I do not know anyone with bpd and reading this is spot on, I could not have said it better

@@marlenegibbs9148 she needs to go back to treatment or she will get nowhere. She doesn't mean it, she is in so pain and feels so horrible about herself she pushes people away because she doesn't think she is worthy of love plus terrified of abandonment. But like I say, there is no way forward until she commits to treatment. That will happen in her own time

@@LivinLaVidaLaura the most important thing to remember is to avoid impulsive behavior and find healthier coping strategies

Thanks Olivia for explaining your feelings. My ex had this but never admitted it to me, she would have therapy but just say it was cos she was mad. She'd be so insecure and paranoid and extremely sensitive to the point of attacking me irrationally for things she suspected me of thinking or doing. Sometimes physically. I only ever wanted to reassure her and support her, I only wish I'd known then what I do now and she had been open with me. I would have done anything to help her work with this condition. Thanks again for your honesty I appreciate it.

@ Olivia Hartz thank you for being open & vulnerable! sharing your experience can help so many. please look into Asperger's and CPTSD, both of which can also explain your symptoms.

Wow so raw and vulnerable and honest. Thanks for sharing. It helps us non-BPDers to hear your side of the story so we can better understand this condition.

Thank you for sharing this. I feel less alone now.. we have very similar story🥹

Hello, I was wondering if you could explain how your environment was hostile?

Me too man me too.

Me too… 🥲

My first memory is of my parents throwing boiling coffee on one another and my father lifting the dinner table, throwing at mother and it hitting the curio cabinet behind her. My father has always been manipulative and hostile. Hes very narcissistic. He was violent towards mother and women hes been with since divorce. My mother is a very cunning person as well. She will tell people whatever they want to hear as long as it keeps her light shining in their corner. She always deflects to save face. Shes the type that jumps to violence in discipline such as quick to slap your face if her juvenile children would say something she didnt like. She displays no empathy and has a personality that has no humility. Same with my father with empathy snd humility. My parents together were the perfect storm to create my BPD. I also switched elementary schools 3 times. Middle schools twice. I was also bullied in middle school and high school a bit. Id always be bullied at home by father as well. I was also molested by cousins in my home and had an older male neighbor boy force me to perform oral sex on him. All this stuff made for lifelong suffering.

@@cas4ajs I'm so sorry

you just explained exactly how i feel :/ i hope you’re doing okay ♥️

@BPD World thank you so much

Same honey you’re not alone

You have expressed what it's like better than I ever could.

Your not alone lovely...

It literally hurts.

I know… 😢

Even after you’ve had a good day …

Im having this tonight and I sincerely don’t know how I’m gonna survive it

This.. That feeling after a failed date with someone you like. The walk home, darn it.

Yes this. It's hell if you're close to a bpd.

Yes, that person is my Daughter. I can't take it anymore

@@sableann4255 literally think about how they feel

I feel for you, and I hope things have improved in the past few months. It's hard because people with BPD make it seem all about ourselves, when I promise it's not like that at all. It's such a difficult and complex disorder. I'm currently in remission, but I know I've hurt a lot of people in the past. It breaks my heart to see people who really want to help but feel overwhelmed and lost. My heart goes out to you!

My daughter as well. She is 22, pregnant, and has pushed everyone away. I have been there last man standing but I genuinely feel like I am losing my mind. I love her so Much and hurt for her like it’s myself, but I cannot take anymore. This is exhausting and painful and is beginning to make me think the only way out of this hell is either to end my life or run away. And running away is really no option because the guilt and worry for her will never leave me.

Hello, I would be very grateful if you take a minute and answer me.Are you still working with a therapist on your borderline personality disorder?Does it help you? How do you feel now? I was diagnosed with this in January, I suspect that I have "quiet" bpd.I think I'm still in the acceptance phase😔

Hello, I would be very grateful if you take a minute and answer me.Are you still working with a therapist on your borderline personality disorder?Does it help you? How do you feel now? I was diagnosed with this in January, I suspect that I have "quiet" bpd.I think I'm still in the acceptance phase😔

BPD class and therapy has helped me out immensely but it takes time.

Learned that I have BPD recently after seeing a therapist for a few months. I'm feeling this right now as I've been talking to someone new. We've been talking for a few days and I feel like I'm already in the full swing of an episode. It's just so awful

Omg, same. That’s why I haven’t been involved with anyone for years! But I had a recent one and I felt my mental health falling apart. I thought I was a lot better but romantic relationships are too risky for me :(

@@ggurrlyggurrl Aw I’m so sorry to hear. You are NOT alone. It sucks because we have a lot of great qualities as BPDs (ie. very loyal, loving, we care so much), and yet it’s still so risky for us. Sending you love and light.

I sometimes feel like I sabotage myself because of this:(

Bitch...I've never kept a relationship in my life; they all left me ha-ha...🙃

@David C I believe I have BPD I dated someone with NPD it was a mess. I overreacted to things- he would use that as leverage. He knew my weak spots and emotional triggers, he would instigate and try to get reactions out of me. My symptoms were sky high when with him. He knew that the part of BPD that hurts/affects me the most was fear of abandonment. He made sure to isolate me socially and run a smear campaign. I already have hard times with relationships as it is.

I always try to explain it as a child who never grew up or a child who wasnt taught to deal with their emotions. It sucks .

Interesting I often describe myself as a 2 year old of someone wants me to go somewhere with them ..

@@baby_emoji-y50 I think that is spot on. My mom is an undiagnosed BPD. I can see this in her and understand it from her upbringing. My maternal grandparents were brought up during the Great Depression--a time when the focus was on the physical aspect of life (doing whatever it took to live just one more day). Mental, emotional, and even spiritual health were denied any existence within my family. You did whatever was necessary to keep going. You pushed past your feelings and served others instead (with a foolish belief that this would lift you out of your problems). How can two people who lived this way ever give their children what they need emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? They can't. As a result, their first child grew up to be fiercely independent and toxicly judgemental, their second child (my mom) grew up to be debilitatingly co-dependent and developed BPD, and their third and final child grew up trying to make a fairy tale life come true (he failed and died of heart disease before he was 45).

That's exactly as I see my mother and ex-husband. Both undiagnosed, but anyone can see the patterns. It's sad that most people run away, including myself. I had to protect myself and my children. The wound left by a person that thinks that they are the only sane and everyone else is crazy are deep. They both traumatized me deeply. I'm glad to see that people get diagnose and at least admit how they feel. I was only put down and humiliated by two important people in my life. I'm at peace now by myself and I terrified to become in contact with another bpd.

Can’t speak to a similar situation to yours Ashlee, but I guess I’ll say this. With any problem we have in our life which may pose now and again or even constant struggle, it’s a matter of desiring that change. I’ve known plenty of people who would rather not change to reap the rewards of said change, me being one of those people at some time or another. What is important is that you take the steps to make that change, to start least be your best self or to get better. My own mother has Bipolar Disorder, PPD, and Schizophrenia. I wish in many regards that she’d strove for change in herself, at the least in an attempt to find peace for herself and others. Your children are lucky to have someone like you as a mother. While no one is perfect, the people of value are those who try. Hopefully someday it can be better and you will never have to see your children like that again. But I’ve said enough as it is. Best wishes to you.

Well if you love your loved ones then you need to go and get professional help so you can learn to not scare them because professional help is available

It’s so scary how accurate you’re… I’m 39 and I just had my first ever manic episode I literally went crazy 😢 I’m scared to death now…..

I know no one is going to want to hear this, but it might help just one person. The Bible says we fight the principalities of darkness. We fight demons. We house them, they call us their home. If you are not filled with the Holy Spirit, you are filled with demons. There’s only one truth with the reality we live in and LOOK AROUND. We’re all going insane. We’re all having chaotic break downs and can’t figure out why. they’re demons. Only one power can cast them out. No one will want to hear this either but that power is God the father. You can only access him through Jesus. Muslims cannot cast demons out. Jews cannot. Buddhists cannot. Hindus cannot. And none of them can say truthfully they’ve witnessed a real miracle like the blinds eyes being opened, or the deathly I’ll being healed before their eyes. I have. I have had thrown up and choked from being delivered from demons. They attach to you because of the people you are around. I have also witnessed many miracles. I’ve seen a Muslim convert to Christianity and her cancer was completely gone the next day. She was dying, her God couldn’t do anything for her, but Yeshua did. There’s only one living power that can help you heal. No medicine, no anti depression pill, anti anxiety pill. None of that will work. It’ll only cause extreme side effects and mess up your hormones.(so much more) but turn to the only power that can take them away please. I don’t want humanity to suffer like this. We all think this is normal, it’s not. We wrestle not against flesh and blood(humans) but principalities of darkness(demons) turn to Jesus. He is your answer. Ask him to show you if it’s him or not, you don’t have to trust right away just look up to the sky and ask him to show you in his own way. Wait 1 week, you’ll get your answer. Probably within a day or two but let him choose his timing. I promise y’all, I’ve been healed from everything. BPD, anxiety, depression, cutting, suicidal plans, destruction. Pure self destruction. Now I love myself so much because I’m made in his image and he made me absolutely perfectly imperfect. We have to knock. Knock and the door will be opened. Good luck. We live in a world full of lies and false doctrines. Ask him for yourself which one is true. All the darkness will flee. Trust me. Try it ❤

I have noticed abandonment is a very common aspect of BPD. Some people should just not be parents (to create such terrible abandonment issues).

Yea I agree dead or no other people my only choice

Yes

Me too hun

Bingo!

that is exactly the same thing I experience. And every time I tell myself to never let anyone in again but then I do and I think “this time it’ll work”..... but it doesn’t😔

Dorota Izabela Kanarek MEEEE TOO!!!!!!! 😞😞😞😞

That happens to me 💔.

Same...then we doubt if any effort to get better is even worth the next episode

@@bharathikathireson3273 It is, Hun, do not doubt! We definitely can get better! I am a big fun of improving! BPD is reversible! Listen to Dr. Joe Dispenza about the power of thought and how we can change ourselves for the better.

@@Bella-vi3lq omg girl, we have so much in common, im a big fan of improvement and transformation too.. And I've been following dr. Joe dispenza alot lately, he explains the mind so clearly. Yes i believe we can get through anything. Good luck to you Dorota ❤️

I’m with you

Yes. Same here.

@Jonathan Kent I'm curious to their answer. I have bpd symptoms as well and your question is most unanswerable to me. My reactions would be: I would be quiet. Probably feel very anxious. I'd start planning my escape from the situation. I would want to avoid that person at all costs, because I'd probably be very mean to them. Very condescending, rude, and ridiculous. In that moment I'd feel like I was totally in the right in my thoughts. "These idiots are mad over a bag of ice, fuck them." When nobody is mad. It's probably not even an issue. But to me, my body senses that the situation is dire. My body would be riddled with anxious pangs. I'd go home a few hoirs later, still obsessed with the "issue." And then realize what I just did. I would sink into a state of internal dialogue attacking myself for my behavior, thinking everybody hates me, etc. Very victim-centric type of thoughts. Then I'd slowly feel better and apologize as genuinely as possible. People will say, "You're okay, it was just a bag of ice. No worries." And then I'd feel like a stupid child. It crushes self-esteem to such a degree that in those types of moments I feel like any sense of rational act is almost out of the window. I rarely act my anger out, but apologies don't really work after that. Lots of burnt bridges. Practicing mindfulness seems to help with all of the above. But not always. In these "episodes" you're not in control of yourself. It's almost like you're just observing your monkey brain reacting to stimulus.

@@Tyan0A yup. I know someone with this. There is no rationalizing. Extremely toxic person. Extremely dangerous. I cant be around him...nobody can. I dont know what to say. I offered help. He doesnt know he has BPD but he does. He does to the extreme... it bothers me but I sympathize as much as I can. I drew the line when he threatened to "knock me out" when I was pregnant. I completely confronted his behavior and I dont take shit from him. The biggest and most important thing for people to do his confront the behavior to prove how irrational you are acting. Everyone walks on eggshells around hom so he doesnt get set off but nah I think you need to go head on with the devil and get it out of them. I noticed the sooner you call them out the faster they snap out of it.

@@emilyr3155 or they run away and shut you out....that's what happen to me everytime my x boyfriend was triggered by things I wasn't even aware I was doing....his projecting what he thought I was doing was unbelievable so off....relieved to not be walking on eggshell any longer.

@@emilyr3155 it's taking me forever to wrap my head and heart around this whole mess my life has become....because I wanted to love and be loved....sucks!!!! 💔

@@sandramay8595 you are probably too nice. They go after people are sweet and vulnerable. I see through people and I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people BUT when i start seeing the same pattern and behavior and they are stubborn enough not to stop or admit they're doing anything wrong then I draw the line and I am straightforward with them. Stop them in their tracks they will start to victimize themselves and blame everyone else around except themselves. Your past may have been broken but it's up to you how you will pull forward and create your future. This guy always refers to his family past and his dad and his mom yet he was so spoiled his whole life....

Lesley, I hope you are able to find a community that supports you and validates you with everything that you’re going through. You are not alone sweetheart and I want you to know you ARE loveable. You ARE enough just the way you are, and the way you are is NOT your fault. I hope you know that even one person believes you & doesn’t take your story as drama. You are not ‘dramatic’ you are not draining, my dear you are NOT hard to love and you are worth it. ❤

@@uzo_wonderfullymade absolute rubbish. Bpd should be with other Bpd folk. Leave normal folk alone.

Your not alone sweetheart XXX we hear you from the ether. Everyday is new, everything constantly changes,it's going to be okay..huuuuugsx

Have you watched girl interrupted?

There's hope for BPD, not so for narcissistic and anti social behaviour symptoms. Demand therapy if necessary as this is traumatized and traumatic for you when you can't solve this alone. See you tube videos on survivors of this condition,it's at least managed.

i just need to know something,do bpd people scream?? like literally

@@freespirithermit Sometimes, if the emotions just get too much in a fight for example. It's an expression of inner pain and helplessness I guess....

@@SusuAbsinthe my teen sister does this, she's not embarrassed about this.she screams in the middle of arguments really loudly , its sorta wierd .

@@freespirithermit If it is BPD related it could be that somebody just can't think strait anymore and the pure emotion just pours out. Maybe a mix of different negative emotions consuming them and the frustration of being misunderstood and helpless at the same time. But uh... Teenagers are also built different a bit so who knows exactly. If you can, maybe ask her about what she feels like and why. It's always good to know.

No need to put the quotes around crazy. Y’all aren’t “crazy” you all are just CRAZY. There’s nothing safe or normal about any of you

Can definitely relate I’m literally the family monster just want to disappear sometimes

@@nomnikelonizak23 dude same i was the problem of my house my entire life always getting in fights with my parents or siblings.

That is such a helpful analogy! I used to think I hated my BPD sister. Now I realise it’s the lion she lives with that I hate, not my sister herself!

_This couldn't have been described any better._ I remember reading Tennessee Williams's _A Streetcar Named Desire_ when I was in my AP Lit class my senior year of high school; is this from a play or just a quote he said?

I so relate to the slow kill comment. "Injecting cancer" YES Thanks for sharing.

"it slowly kills you inside and makes you lose track of reality". Yep, I totally feel that way after I've been sucked into my BPD's rage vortex.

Exactly, as if you are dealing with cancer! These diseased ppl are ugly and purposefully intend to hurt other ppl!

I feel this. You can’t help people that won’t help themselves. You are strong and brave. I wish you the best

Same here!

@BPD World thank you so much🥰🥰❤i have my ups and downs but i dont wanna give up i have too much to lose

I know I'm not loved or wanted by those I seek love from. I try meeting new people but they be evil. I'm scared to meet anyone in this evil world now. Everyone's a narcissist and out to destroy others for power and a buck.

@@yvonnehardy179 a support group might have good people? I met some in church back in my darkest times & it helped me so much. 🌞

The comment i can relate to the most. Thanks so much for posting this and I truly hope the best for you. This disorder has totally ruined my life and even my ability to bare current again because I took rat poisoning to show a person who told me they were tired of me crying over my children who were legally separated from me, and so he told me to commit suicide and stop saying I didn't want to live. I need some serious help.or I'm gonna end up dead. Not going back to anyones psych ward. I checked.myself in for help.and was treated like a criminal. I'd rather be in jail. Haven't made any suicide attempts since the rat poisoning some years ago in 2004 or 05. Thank God! I truly value.myself but just need to get around some folks who value me.

@@yvonnehardy179 the fact that you’ve survived all this makes you very strong. Yeah you need to be around people that will recognize you strength and most importantly you’ve to believe in you because after all we’re all alone fighting our own battles. I wish you all the best in your battle.

This is the most accurate, hitting the nail on the head, word for word most real and relatable explanation of what it’s like to have a bpd “episode”

I can relate to it all

Me too

@@Kellergirl does he know you have bpd?

Same here with my husband it leads to abondonement I fear this every day when it comes to my marriage it’s become draining for my spouse . I don’t know what to do anymore I just know that I need to get better because my relationship is affected by this disorder .

@@bean7496 I've talked to him about it. He doesn't think BPD is real. He ended the friendship this week. And I am so heartbroken.

@@Kellergirl I'm so sorry.. but its probably for the best, at least now you know the good friends from the bad.

Yes

omg yes. I felt all of this so much, especially the not knowing if what i'm feeling and how i'm acting is rational. sending you lots of love as well ❤️

I hear all of this 🥰. Thank you

I feel like I’m drowning in this. Thanks for making me feel a bit better

You described everything exactly as I feel. I lack a supportive family in the sense that they are toxic. Narcissistic mother, alcoholic father, detached grandfather, drug addicted sister. I have my toddler, and my husband. Who, in a moment of severe depression, panic, and impulsivity in response to a traumatic event, I made myself believe my husband was the one hurting me. I had an affair, and my husband forgave me. Every day I feel worthless and undeserving. Guilty every minute of every hour and constantly in fear he will lift a veil and leave me. And I would deserve it. I know I would. But the idea of losing the only stable thing in my life that has loved me unconditionally, that has suffered so much, that deserves so much better, is unbearable to the point it allows suicidal thoughts to filter in so subtly I almost don't recognize them happening right away. Because I'd deserve that. My son deserves better. My husband definitely deserves better. My trauma was no excuse to hurt another. I shouldn't be allowed to get away with that. Get what I want while everyone else hurts because of me. I can switch from excited and euphoric to anger so bad I've feared for others in my path - in hindsight when the rollercoaster has slowed. I get so anxious that my racing thoughts ultimately find something that throws me into depression for hours and hours. And hours. No sleeping. No eating. Just thinking and never knowing how I'll feel or what kind of day I'll have. I'm not alone, but the pain feels lonely. It isolates me mentally and emotionally. It feels like dissociation is how I survive sometimes. It takes away time I would otherwise be off the rails. But then it's hard to remember and recognize what's real anymore. What I said or didn't say. Did or didn't do. I hope anyone struggling with bpd finds a light to help them see even a single foothold of stability in the otherwise unpredictable lives.

Omg not trusting your own mind and emotions is so shit. Basicaly you cannot make any decision so how the fuck are you supposed to live

sex and overeating for me. I can't believe I might finally have an answer to the undefinable pain I have felt the past 15 years of my life. For the first time I feel that I might not be an evil or bad person after all

I feel the same way. I keep feeling crazy. Like im not myself. I just turn to drugs and distractions because bpd is so hard. It's good to talk to someone about it.

Are you the protagonist from the new Turning Red movie? Lol

how did you get people too see and believe you? without them thinking your actually crazy and just a hypercontriac

because i struggle with that

I feel you. I had to go NC sadly, and I am not the same person anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've been emotionally abused. It's hard.

I’m exhausted and my spirit breaks more and more with every episode. The hurtful, hateful comments, and breaking of my things is one thing. But the torment of seeing her tormented is Hell personified

Yes if I find some who has bpd and they try starting on me it’s bye bye. After putting your with staying 3 years with a bpd lying manipulating stalking constantly calling from work just to check I’m not cheating while he was non stop on dating sights and hiding my phones and hanging up on my relatives who called me swearing at anyone calling me and trying to choke me. I now make sure I live in a bpd free zone. After watching my cousin get clingy and having a different boyfriend every month and trying to control who I spoke to and going through my friends lists to check I had deleted the bf she had pushed away on fb. Constantly chasing men and trying to stick her tongue in their mouth in front of everyone at Christmas lunch to get validation. Then telling me I’m not allowed to be friends with our facial lady and then trying to get her fired from her job for attending her bday party for revenge. I happy that she wiped me out of her life. I don’t need to be in the Vinci nuru of these toxic emotional vampires.

@@s.l.r.9407 you probably have been emotionally abused and been given silent treatment and got and cold treatment. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

@@taniac4063 and been shouted at, threatened with suicide multiple times, and been the target of social media harrassment since they tell everybody I am an abuser (just because I went no contact and they didn't like that). Oh, and had to endure them abusing my parents as well - seeing you mother cry and being powerless to stop it changes you. I just want to be left alone, heal from the trauma and forget about everything.

Agree

It’sa meeee

Yea same. I really want close friends and amazing connections but I push people away when they get too close cause now I’m terrified.

Celeste Betances it always feels like they let me down too, either I except too much or my perception is warped . I get very hurt when people arnt as loyal as o am

@@the-queenmaleficent7727 oh my god the loyalty thing really resonates with me.

It's not lonely, it's peaceful. Be a friend to yourself . 😊

That sounds exactly like me. Reading what you wrote about the age regression made so much damn sense to me! I cry like a baby, i get on the floor and stomp my feet and pinch the ground, I wail and find myself wanting to scream for my mom or dad to help me… the two who abandoned me. I disassociate in this phase sometimes, and even though the episode was caused by something completely unrelated, it feels like I am watching my younger self scream and cry and beg for love, which only makes me scream and cry more, it’s like the child version is crying, and my adult self is having a meltdown watching it, while the initial triggering scenario plays on loop in the background :( I’m so sorry you also have to live with these horrible things, but it is so validating to read that your episodes look just like mine in the same order. I wish you peace 💜

Also diagnosed at 17, actually just came out of a small episode right now. I can definitely agree with you about the feeling numb part, honestly just waiting for the feeling to disappear.

17 and diagnosed. But its pretty obvious I've had this for years before now.

Much love proud of you!

Your name is not really there. Now post all your names. And address, and phone number. :D

kaylee xo this is exactly how I would describe it. Be strong and know that you’re not the only one ❤️

You’re having adhd issues!!!!! It’s cognitive!!!! Get treatment for add/adhd!!! Trust me. You will be able to focus and remember emotional learning!!!

Agree 👏

Jules Mae I have never self harmed for attention but to take my rage out on myself instead of hitting others.

"...an extreme push to explain your feelings and how the person hurt you." *THIS.* I have been trying to come up with the words that describe this experience. I am not diagnosed with BPD, however my brother is. Albeit, he is a far more extreme case, if I am to have something similar it would be through relation. I have discovered that if I feel invalidated in any way, I struggle to control my feelings. I've had intense outbursts of crying thinking I'm being unheard, ignored, and misunderstood. I try to over-compensate, with whomever I have an argument, by dragging them through entire conversations from the beginning, to "show" them exactly what ran through my mind and caused my reactions. I cannot feel closure or resolve unless a resolution like this occurs. I just want to be justified... But it's almost impossible for someone else to figure exactly how they can this for you. Especially if they are involved in your mind as a part of your feelings. Often, that person may feel personally attacked. It takes an extremely mindful, empathetic individual to be able to view your emotions objectively. Sometimes it could be a miscommunication on the other person's part... But for my own sake I need to STOP attempting to force others into feeling what I felt. They will never understand from your perspective, no matter how hard you fight. I end up feeling more drained than if I had just coped on my own.

4 phones smashed already

Sara Qiu Think I’ve smashed 4 and if I hear a mental illness is in my head again I’m going to hit someone

@@AntimonyxAngel i totally feel you! I struggle with the exact same thing. Its very draining and a waste of time and energy but i just cannot stand the thought of my family disregarding my feelings and making me feel invalidated. It drives me crazy. They never want to acknowledge my suffering and my condition its superfrustrating and isolating. I withdraw more often than not when i feel like i am being neglected or even feel abandoned its very lonely and depressing

Severely allergic to my medications so I will be trying this!

This helps and will look into it!

5 hydroxytryptophan (5HTP) is an amino acid (protein building block) precursor you can buy as a dietary supplement. I've found it really helpful for mood too so I was really interested to see the comment about this. Two things I'll add: several experts on amino acid therapy (i.e. Dr. Julia Ross) are now saying that it's safe to use with SSRI if you space out taking them by at least 4 hours...But check with your prescribing Dr. to be safe if this applies. Dr Tracy Marks discussed it's very short half life in the body and suggested multiple daily dosing, but I found it worked great just taking once before bed. Dr. Ross usually recommends two doses. Recently all I could find was a time release version and I actually found this less effective for me than the non time release. It does affect brain neurotransmitters (serotonin especially) but I don't know exactly how. It has virtually no side effects except some people sometimes get stomach discomfort - it will work best on an empty stomach. It works very fast, sometimes in a day or two. 100 mg at night is a good place to start. I hope this helps and you give a try. It amazes me something so simple and available can work so well. To be sure big pharmacy doesn't want you to know. Dr. Ross's book "The Mood Cure" might interest you.

maybe the thing wasn't so small or the small thing was what pushed you to the edge after building up a lot of other 'small things'. Dont be so harsh on yourself .

My engine in car blew and it would be hard enough to handle with out BPD but its hit me so hard I don't even have the energy for anger I'm physically mentally a wreck can't even eat or drink much my mind is racing and shot and I'm thinking someone e did this to me on purpose when I know that's rediculus but its there in my mind oh BPD is a ride through hell that never let's you off

I've been here.. living with this disorder and keeping a job can be extremely difficult

I used to think like that. But I'm 67 now. I got thru and now I'm a lot better. Never been diagnosed or had more than a few weeks nhs therapy. I just learnt by myself. I have beaten a laptop to death and a phone. It's ok. They can't feel. You can get another and another job. The small thing was hiding a big thing. That's all.