What Attracts a Narcissist? Why did they pick me? 

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My marriage was death by paper cuts…. He would say things that were so unnecessary. I ate too fast, I didn’t dry off correctly, there was always something wrong with the dinners I cooked, I didn’t pronounce words correctly, I did hang his cloths up right. I didn’t fold his socks the way he told me to…etc!!! Guess what, I left his ass after 10 years of this abuse. He never saw it coming!!! I was scared to death, but I did it, and my divorce was final last week!!! Best day♥️

A narcissist doesn't break your heart, they break your spirit. That's why it takes so long to heal.”

Narcissist are emotionally immature.

A narcissist likes someone who will argue in good faith, someone who believes in truth and integrity and wants to see it in them and finds it hard to accept that it's not there.

“ most narcissists are highly accomplished actors “. So very true. Don’t beat yourself up for falling for their tricks, they are very, VERY good at what they do.

In my experience they target people who they think might be better than them and might usurp them. So they do their best to undermine them in ways that seem ridiculous to a normal person. But they mean business and will fight to the death to overcome their rival.

If you are an empath, you have a "kick me" sign on your rear end for narcissists to see. The empath is the hot fudge sundae on the narcissistic menu. I sometimes think that destroying an empath's ability to love and trust is their highest life goal.

omg, omg, omg that is so true." when you first met you were confident, ambitious, had felt good about yourself, things you could do, good idea about the future", then it all went down the drain. This is so true. They do suck the life out of us. It took me 22 years, of lies, gaslighting, depression, and anxiety to wake up.

As a child of a narcissistic mother, it was my “duty “ to be her punch bag in order to help her with her problems. She was too complicated to see her own errors or to ever apologize for anything and for that reason, it was my duty to make excuses for her toxic behavior. Later, in life, I have realized that I was falling in the same patterns with other people, made excuses for their rudeness, cruelty or negligent behavior. That’s why I made a golden rule and let people explain themselves instead of me doing that, and that’s where they true nature comes out. Not all of those circumstances will end up bad. Normal person would explain itself, but narcissist would go in attacking mode, and that’s my cue to leave

If you were NOT picked by a narcissist, it's probably because you set boundaries & called them on their BS at the very beginning... so they disengaged & looked for better supply.

Narcessists are every where, and Im responsible of me, letting them, in to my life. Practise self love, having boundaries and stop being so naive and giving people chance after chance. Forgive yourself and let go of the anger towards your own self! Love from Norway ❤

Finally someone said what I’ve been thinking. I am sure that some are hunters seeking out a very particular kind of prey, but I think in most cases we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and too damn “nice” to call bullshit. And we were desperate to be loved… by anybody! Just like them. We just had different ways of trying to fill that same bottomless pit in our hearts.

“WTF did I ever see in him?” BOTH my parents were narcissists; I was conditioned & indoctrinated to believe that was the norm… even though instinctively I FELT differently. So GRATEFUL these videos are available to the public & am a tad wistful that they weren’t around 50 years ago. THANK YOU.

...they're also looking for someone who'll pay their way through life. When the money dries up, they'll leave you bankrupt, sick and consequently unemployed. Then it's on to the next victim. And on and on and on...

You get only one life to live, choose the people around you very carefully. You deserve to have a great life. Make it worthwhile by ditching all narcissists and creating a healthy environment for yourself and loved ones.

The narc thought I had money. When he found out I didn't, he discarded me right away.

My mother was a narcissist and a bully. She was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. My first memory of her was she was beating me to make me fear her, I was 2 years old, and I did fear her much of my life. She was also violent towards my father. She was very scary. I have no memories of her being kind to me or interested in what was best for me. The opposite was true, I was set up to fail. Narcissists have a favorite child, the golden child. I was not the favorite, I was often the scapegoat. To avoid abuse I became invisible and I was neglected, I was left outside alone at age 2. I didn't develop a sense of confidence and self-esteem. My sister was openly favored, showered with material things and opportunities. My sister hated our mother but sucked up to her to get the benefits of being the favorite. My mother promoted conflict and division between us, we never really became friends, there was always competition and my sister felt entitled to take advantage of me like she did when we were children. My sister and I were brainwashed into believing we needed to be doormats to get and keep a husband. Most of my life I was a magnet attracting narcissistic people. I kept repeating the victim/martyr relationship with narcissistic people. Unfortunately I found relationships with normal people boring. For those in a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic parent, run, do not walk, get away from them and don't look back. They will use you, offer a few crumbs of love but don't be fooled. Narcissists only care about themselves.

Resist the devil and he shall flee from you.

My youngest daughter married a narcissist woman. We feel helpless standing by, watching this greatly beloved one getting sucked dry by this person. Hoping she wakes up one day with a bit of her humor and vibrance and intelligence restored. Meanwhile, she has cut us out if her life, bit by bit, since the relationship began. Her lifelong friends, too. So sad. Here's hoping. Thanks for this instructive video. 🙏❤️

I would love a video about how some narcissists fake empathy or remorse long enough to convince their families that they’re not as abusive as they are. I have dealt with this particularly with covert narcissists, who are already harder to detect, but I have yet to find a video or article that addresses how some narcissists have their close loved ones convinced that they’re innocent lambs without a manipulative bone in their body.

I’m not sure the question is why they picked me but rather why I picked them. I’m sure it’s not everyone’s experience but for me there was a comfort level. Having grown up in a highly dysfunctional environment, it was a dynamic I knew. Healthy relationships always felt foreign and boring to me but broken people were something I understood on some level. It has taken decades of abuse to arrive at a point of self reflection and awareness. It wasn’t one singular episode that woke me up but a series of episodes in quick succession that made me realize how sick my environment was; not just in my family but in my friendships as well. As a result, I ended up cutting out everyone in my life except for my children. My goal from that point has been to heal myself and the relationships with them. I feel awful that I raised them the way that I was raised, but I’m trying to break that cycle and progress is being made.

I just won a small claim case. I took my narcissistic sister-in-law to court. You should have seen her face 🤣 “I ENJOYED EVERY BIT OF IT” I received a check for the amount owed 👍🏼Always keep your records nice & tidy 😁

my narc boss targets me because I see through her BS, stand up for myself when she attacks me, and I go over her head when dealing with her micromanaging and she KNOWS it

My mother, the narc, raised me to believe I had no inherent worth and the best I could hope for was to be of service. This set me up perfectly for my ex-husband the narc who said he needed me. I didn't think I had a choice.

I was in a vulnerable state and I allowed the narc to exploit my weaknesses. That's how I got caught up.

In a group setting the covert narcs who chose me did so because there is a higherarchy in their head. They kiss up they kick down. But i didnt realise i was "down" and i had the audacity to believe we we were all equals.

my narc mother in law targets me because I am everything she can't be. jealous all day.

I don't think it can be overstated the effect of growing up in a narcissistic home. I was with one narc after another, friends and romantic relationships because I chose these people! The devil you know... I didn't know how to pick healthy people because I wasn't healthy.

As a daughter of a narcissist father, I was under his spell for 53 years. I confronted him several times in an attempt to redeem a relationship with my father. He will never budge. Don't give them too many chances. Accept it and move forward in your life.

I see them but there's something in their voice, their tone... and THATS the clincher! I can't stand them.

Can you do a video of a Christian narcissist mate? Someone who uses the Bible or religion to manipulate those who are spiritual people.

He speaks truth. And if you call them out on their bs be prepared for an eternity of argumentation with no hope of resolve or closure to the problem. A merry-go-round of hell. They ARE great actors who can literally burn years of your life away if you are not aware of what is happening.

If you're in a general social, or workplace, setting keep your accomplishments, abilities, wealth, etc. to yourself. When you find someone quizzing you about these things steer the conversation away from those topics. Especially when the other person begins to pour on the accolades and you feel compelled to open up. If you feel like you're talking to a life insurance salesman that's your clue. Also, pay close attention to your gut feeling. It will usually get out voted by your head and your heart when it should take precedence. That queezy, or upset, feeling is most definitely your clue. If you've been raised by narcissistic parents in a narcissist family you have to be extra vigilant. You've been conditioned and your senses have been dulled. You will be caught in the net and not realize it until the hurt begins.

Narcissists are attracted to nice, kind, honest people, the kind they themselves are not. They need good souls so they will have someone to abuse. They're not interested in another narcissist. Two narcissists would kill each other

Some of these narcissists do not move on, the become stalkers and continue to bully.

Very penetrative lecturer. I enjoyed his way of description and his precise explanations. Thank you 🙏🌹

Say no, ignore them, no attention and they move on. Lesson learned

Finally after being raised by narcissists...... thanks to lots of reading and these types of videos to enlighten me.......I can now spot a narcissist, it amazes me how they all do the same tricks.... such a joy to be able to see through their pathetic games and manipulation...... just walk away and laugh at them and their sad, pointless lives..... be free and be true to yourself!!

Ones who they can easily manipulate, don't say no, and have blurry or non-existent boundaries ......

I'll answer that question without a video. It's because they can use you. Narcissism is selfishness. And what does a selfish person want? A servant.

Being a pushover + goodlooks = Narqbait

"Anyone of value to them", Yes! The one who was in my life said to me bluntly, "I wanted you for what you could do for me." You are definitely on target!

Reading the comments make me feel not alone on what I went through! Thank you everyone!❤️ I grew up with a narcissistic mentally and physically abusive mother and thought of it as normal and kept picking manipulate friends and abusive guys. I ended up cutting all those people out of my life and went on DEEP journey of...Who am I? As in ..what are my interests, values, ect. Then learning to be my best friend...how? When I go out to do something fun alone (for me last weekend went to Japanese Garden Festival), pretend in my head I have a best friend with me...and that friend is me. I would think about the beautiful garden, dances, music and comment in my head how beautiful it was and how fun and relaxing time I had like I'm talking to a friend...and again the friend is me. Sounds weird I know. But it is helping me.😁

I think sometimes one can fall under the false impression that one is being targeted specifically by narcissists because we have been told the statistical incidence of NPD is in the lower percentiles. I actually think that's wrong and I would say pathological narcissists are way more common than academia would have you believe. Sure, narcissists prefer certain traits in their victims, but for the most part encountering them is inevitable.

Narcs want someone who can tolerate: their abuse, tantrums, bad behaviour, cruel nature, etc. The abused should have high degree of tolerance levels. The abused should not react or fight back and generally has to be someone soft spoken and accomodating of their issues. The abused should have weak friends or periphery friends who will not interfere. The abused should keep all this abusive behaviour to themselves and not talk to anyone. The narc also checks how much you care for your reputation and more you care the better for them as you will try to hide to protect your/family's name and reputation. Narc will also checks which threats you confront and which you cower or bow down to. Narc wants a slave, subdued, subjugated, submissive, passive, in a way introvert, who is forgiving, does not judge and does not want fights. If you have money, property etc thats an addition. Narc also wants attention, being important to you beyond anything. If you are the life of a party or a good humour, that helps them to relax and then they suck it out from you. They will check if you are a good decision maker. You chose them, you are bad at decisions. You fell in the trap. Accept it . They wull change your decisions and start taking decisions for you. Eg . They should be deciding for you what you should love or not so they will test it and habituate you for the above and also start putting. They will check if you will defend them. They will also check your acceptance levels.for eg.. you should accept their high sophisticated taste(which means high price of product) etc. And even praise them. They see and check of you hear to their sob stories and fall for giving sympathy and promise something or do some thing emotionally. Yes they will check if you are objective or emotional. The emotional the better for them. If you are good at what you do, people respect you etc even better as they like the glory they will get being with you and also that such a well admired person is actually hoodwinked by the abuser. You are the trophy. Can you be the servant? They will make you do everything. They expect you to do everything. Can you be lied to and still will forgive them? They will also check how much they can hurt you and keep increasing your capacity of getting hurt. They will also check if you listen to their advice or ask them their advice. That means to them you are them giving power or they think that they are superior in thinking and advice that you sought theirs. They also like those who ask first and then do things. It makes them feel they are your boss. They will check if your boundaries can be crossed and if you allow it, they will permanantly settle in your personal space and make it their personal space. There are more checks too, but if its in your family then they have already studied your nature. And if it is someone like spouse, friend, gf-bf, etc then they will check this with you. And yes they will keep their options open too as they need constant attention. The more the better.

Sandra Brown had Purdue University do a study on victims of Pathological love relationships and the study found all victims were extremely high in agreeableness and conscientiousness. It is in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I am not indicating this only happens to women and Sandra comments on this in the book. Certainly agree they are looking for supply.

I also see narcissists really wanting OTHER narcissists, fully prepared to do any filthy thing to get the other narcissist to approve of them.

I was always tough growing up and spoke my mind. I never followed the crowd or copied what my friends did or was into peer pressure. My narc mother made me the scapegoat…

He told me he had a "type" The type of person that was kind and didn't care too much about appearances. He said he valued my integrity, and that I brought him "peace" He picked me because I was everything he wasn't.

You definitely have considerable depth and breadth of knowledge and understanding of who these individuals are at their core, and on the surface, and what motivates them. Well done. Thank you for taking the time to compile this info, write a script, film, edit, and publish this video. This has the potential to help so many people who have no idea there are people out there who are morally bankrupt, conniving, self-absorbed, and egoically fragile. They look and are capable of acting like the rest of us at times, but W O W are they ever miserably shallow, social-climbing, admiration-seeking a-holes. The more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they can be, as well.

I have been the target of narcissists beginning with my lovely mother, and currently my older sister who thinks she is perfect. When my Uncle Jack informed the family that I was an intuitive in 1973, it scared them. Lol😉🙏🏼

Vulnerable narcs tend to choose you when you are in conflict (sick family member or "negligent" spouse, distracted (funerals are a favorite or child birth to sneak away) - ) they also tend to choose ATTACHED people who will keep their nasty little secrets. If you need a few stories feel free to send me a messege. Great videos! About to start some of my own from a Neurodivergents (ADHD/ASD) perspective adn also how these folks tend to CHOOSE ALOT of neurodivergent (and co dependednt folks) ...we need tips for THOSE people as they process and learn and experience these things VERY VERY different than regular folks ..

Agree. Watching your boundaries is high priority with narcissists. Slightly off topic: one great tactic I learned in a psychology book for holding boundaries with those who use guilt in order to persuade, is to point-blank call them out. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty for XYZ"? A normal individual will usually back-track. A narcissist can be fond of such a guilt tactic. Call them out? No. They'll go on the offensive and become the victim with some kind of gas lightning thrown at you. Call them out, and you'll know immediately if they are a narcissist. Be careful if they are the aggressive type though. Just disengage your life from them ASAP. Boss, relative or otherwise.

This has been one of the most explanatory video of Narcissism. Everything you mentioned is so on point. Looking back, there were so many red flags. Finally removed myself and in the process of trying to heal and work on my self confidence. Thank you.

I think they are looking for some kind of visible or more obvious perceived weakness. Like single parents, people who are depressed or seem to have other mental health issues, people who are financially struggling etc.

They turn out to be evil people with no feeling or love in them. When they loose you or get obsessed with you they will kill your partner. Be careful for these tipes . Never underestamate them they are troubled people who are cannot addapt in society at all and belong in jail. Sorry but this is a true experience.

Absolutely. They would and will sleep with anyone and everyone that will have them. Pretty, ugly, rich, poor. It doesn't matter.

After time the victim doesn't own a thought of their own...all been trashed on the alter of the narcissist.

I have always thought that for someone to have a mental disorder he/she had to suffer beyond some “normal” range. But seems that the narcissist with all their achievements and their successes (real or imaginary) may fall into a different category. Seems they do not suffer as much as someone with OCD or BPD for instance. Seems the narcissistic type is a condition that mostly affect other people, rather than the patient. Unless, of course, the narcissist suffers greatly every time they do not get what they need and it is this suffering what classifies their condition as a disorder.

I had a teacher once try to Flunk me only for my looks too. We spoke to school of that.He said he can not say why but it was true. So they said do not fail her. They are every where.

They love people who are “helpers”. If you generally like to help others, you are vulnerable to their exploitations.

They choose you because you are everything they aren't and never could be.

Some of us were just born into it, but the good news is that although it sets us up with an especially steep climb ahead, a good life is still possible.

True It shatters you You don't even know yourself any longer It's like seeking yourself again and learning who you are What you see is so ugly Apologizing constantly To learn to say no it's the most vital

My parasitic and financially predatory malignant narcissistic father pick my mom because she has own house, gold and a government job. She became homeless, goldless and paranoid schizophrenic.

oh maybe you describe me .? Hey I am really wonder how come they believe they are the best. I do not believe I am all that good, I just think I am sensible. As real narcissists are irrational thinkers and never see they are wrong.

Perfectly describes the mother of my 2 children. Now my ex . I spent 15 years listening to her lies and was exposed to her abuse and I was slowly dismantled into an emotional wreck. She’s now moved onto her next target and only last night I learned that even after 8 years apart she has been spreading lies to anybody who would listen about my nature. They always get found out in the end.

I wanted to add something about a covert. They will be very interested in your stories, what you like, what you don't like on the first encounter. Then they mimic them later on, and you would think that they were your soulmate. Keep record of what this person says in the beginning, and compare notes later. If there are inconsistencies, high tail out of there.

Darren, I love every video you have made because of your characters. You are sincerely compassionate yourself, which shines through your eyes and manner. I noticed your channel when you first started, wish that one day could meet you and have a deep conversation about the subject of a mutual interest. All the best and blessings

I have been a victim for 40 yrs. You describe me before & after. Spot on!

He called me Stupid! He said i would end up a bag lady! I walked. That was 26 yrs ago, still single. Got a lovely wee hoose, nice car and a few bob in the bank

My sister went through exactly the same thing and as a result I’ve suffered also with her as we are twins and we feel each other’s pain a lot . People like that never change they usually end up alone in the end having a tragedy end .. you can’t go through life hurting innocent people and get away from it . At some point GOD will entervien especially when people go and cry to GOD about them . Nothing good will come out of it because the LORD always looks after his children . Unless. This people repent and ask forgiveness they will experience the wrath of GOD and they will be cursed 5 generations that’s what the word of GOD days until that situation is being rectified it will bleed of the family lineage .

Narcissists never have tales of compassion. If any,the compassion is only for them,never for anybody other than them.

This was an excellent video, everything u said is true. Been out of the nightmare for 2.5 yrs, and still healing... I was a successful female engineer and he destroyed my entire life. The thought of a next r'ship makes me feel physically sick. On a side note I love Yr accent but it makes me sad. Although he was scottish he lived in Ireland and some the worst abuse I experienced occurred in Ireland while I was away from my family. So whenever I hear the accent I remember my love of the country, its scenery and people as well as feelings of anxiety brought on by the memories of physical and severe emotional abuse 😔

Thank you for the video. Brought lot of insights. I was always assertive when in a relation with narcissist but I was always criticized and bulllied by him and his family members. I never felt he is honest with me , felt like there was always a secret. It's already a year I left him I am still not able to figure out why.

❤ I needed to hear this today. I now understand the last year of my life. Thank you!

My ex narc investigated me for a bit over a month before he chose to meet me. I had no idea until after I ended the relationship & went no contact. I think each narc is unique in how they pick a victim.

When he met me, he dumped his "fat" gf of 2 years old. Then while were together 2 years, he tried to hit on her again because he doesn't like someone moving on from him happily. They will not move on and they're fixated to their ex. They dump you but they will come back. I hope, I was smarter before and left him permanently

On our first date she had a lot to drink. I asked to take her home and she insisted she was fine. She seemed fine. So I simply asked that she message me when she got home. She said she doesn’t do that. I said fine. She messaged me when she got home, saying simply, “I’m home. Thanks for worrying about me.” And that was the beginning of a beautifully evil 2 year narcissistic relationship.

This is spot on. I have a saying ‘the reward for taking shit, is more shit’

Wow! This is the second video of yours that I've watched on narcissism and I swear you had to be living with me and my ex. I guess after my phone hearing all the arguments and lies, figured out what he was before I did! Hah! You are spot on and I appreciate you posting such educational content. I pray you are blessed for it sir! I had everything going for me one year ago and now I've lost everything. Home, career, health and self-confidence. Thankfully my sanity is still intact. I'm slowly working on getting everything back. I'm just happy to be free!

From my experience with narcissists in the immediate family and beyond , they glean their greatest satisfaction from peddling their lies and having scammed others into believing them . Abusing and destroying people behind closed doors is enjoyable to them but convincing others that it never happened , they are the victim or that you are the liar is where the really enjoyable sport of it all is .

They come to clean out our shame... by making it come to the surface and BURN.

Setting strongest boundaries with these type of people ! thx bro

I know why I chose my narc ex. After I learned what narcissism was, I realized that my father was one. We chose what's familiar. I've since learned so much about it, so I'll never make that mistake again!!

Your light shines in their darkness and they can’t handle it

OMG this made me laugh and cry at the same time.......how true u r !!!!

😭😭😭 💔💔💔 I can't forgive myself for letting this people ruin my compassion in life...

In my particular workplace, they were looking for a toy. I have found myself sincerely apologizing for not being as “fun” as previous people who held my position. And yet, they would not allow themselves to be toyed with. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

"They know how to perform empathy." Well said.

My ex is covert has know confidence when we got together he was all into help me.. but it turned into lies. When I started getting stronger and standing up to him he said he hated me.. so I believe at least for the covert they prey on the weak...

Thank you for this video. You have just described everything about me being trapped by my ex-husband. You have made so much sense here. I am not in his life anymore, thank god and myself!

If you have something they want. It may be looks, money, connections or assets that’s when they will target you. It can be in the many many forms of love bombing, mirroring and lies.

MOST RELATIONSHIPS IS A TRANSACTION TO THEM. THIS IS SO TRUE WITH MY HUSBAND. I'VE BROUGHT IT TO HIS ATTENTION SEVERAL TIMES THAT I'VE NOTICED HOW HE CALLS NO ONE UNLESS HE NEEDS SOMETHING FROM THEM. I EXCUSED THAT BEHAVIOR UNTIL I NOW REALIZED THAT THIS ALSO APPLIES TO ME(his wife😢).

I made a mistake to pick up the phone that one damn time. And then, it was 8 years of hell.. Damnit.

Narcissists are the most unreasonable people you will ever meet😏🚩🏃‍♀️

My father was a violent and mentally abusive person. When I finally left home I was damaged and my ex wife picked up on this. On top of this I had skills she could bask in. Music and teaching. Over 14 years she drained all my confidence and even my health and when I finally left her I had nothing. She took or destroyed it all. It's taken me 30 years and I'm still recovering. I have a partner who is supportive, treats me as an equal and is helping me regain my confidence. I am looking over my shoulder less and less and learning new skills. After 35 years of being called stupid by her and my father I went back to university and completed a science degree to prove to myself - not them - that I'm not stupid.

They break your boundaries. And if you dont defend them, they take over. Its interesting, some difficult friendships or interactions simply ended when I stopped giving them time. Narcissits want you to go to them. They don't want to be a real friend. They want ego boosts and to control your life and activities, feelings, beliefs, etc. Its so dumb. They want access to your resources - money, intellect, time, etc. In a way, this video helped me more than the others. It confirmed what I've thought but not heard from anyone else before. The other videos, for me mostly the recovery ones, were good, but this will prevent further harm to me.

Exactly! We should be flattered that we were chosen to be abused. They know that they can never be us. Your videos are amazing! So grateful for your wisdom.