What Causes Domestic Violence? 

It's a bummer that it's put on women "you need to leave" instead of put it on the abuser "you need to stop being abusive and violent."

I’m 56. I left my abusive husband , taking my baby son with me, more than 30 years ago. I was also brought up in a house with domestic violence. I’m 56 and I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for a number of years for therapy. Happily my mental anxieties have subsided somewhat but what has been most helpful is realizing my reactions to what happened were perfectly normal. I’ll never be totally free of it though

I am a survivor of domestic violence and stalking. What I have learned, over almost a decade of dealing with this, is do not ever, ever, ever believe your abuser about who you are. For a long time I was not believed when I tried to get help, because I had come to believe him-maybe I’m just paranoid, maybe I did something to cause this, maybe I am not a credible person… I wish the world understood how a legitimate victim of DV reports abuse, but it doesn’t. My ex had convinced me he knew all the cops, they would all believe him, and he convinced me that other people think I’m crazy, and no one would believe me, and he convinced me that I am such a faulty person if I reported him, the authorities would see what a horrible mother I am. It was all lies. I could have ended this years ago. I am a loving, devoted mother and an intelligent, fair, conscientious, compassionate, credible person, and as soon as I saw the cracks in his facade, found that by and large, help and support was all around me. I have to say-Because my confidence was destroyed by the time I left, I believed him that he could take our child from me, and as a result, I was forced to leave my precious child with his father for weekly visitations, and it almost killed me. If I could have done it over, I wish so dearly I’d had the resources to fight back. But I just did not have the ability, psychologically or financially, and I will always regret that. I will never fault a woman for not leaving, as the experience of leaving your child with your abuser is devastating. Perhaps if I had it to do over again, I would gather evidence before I left, but I was so afraid that night I ran from his home with our baby, I don’t know if I could have stayed if I wanted to. I hope the 50/50 custody doctrine, a relatively new concept, is retired soon-I’m sure it’s right sometimes, but in the case of abuse, it is devastating for children.

Alot of ppl hide that they are been abused because its the fear that the abuser ingrained in them Also those who have been abused as children assume that's all they deserve 😢

I was in a relationship with a psychopath I couldn't even share on here what went on Sad but true

Many abusers don’t think they are abusive. Or justify it. These people are the devil.

I am 65 years old. I left a very abusive marriage. Actually two. The fear and stress never goes away. I have been married to a wonderful man for over 35 years and I still feel the fear and stress to this day. Like watching this video is difficult to do. It will be with me forever. The damage is so severe. But you learn to move on and do the best you can.

But. Leaving is the most dangerous time so that needs to be known

Red flags guys and girls!! Here's some to watch for early on in dating. Some even on the first date! 1-Rude to staff massive flag if a male is rude to female staff only. 2-Tiny glimpse of rage, i.e. if you don't get them a drink. It's a mask slip. Can be very subtle but don't ignore. 3-Love bombing, giving of small gifts. If you accept them, test and see if they throw them back at you. 4-buying you clothes that are too big, not your style, very early on. I have no idea why they do this, but it's happened to me a few times. 5-Telling you where to sit what to eat and drink on a date. Buying you alcohol if you stated you don't want to drink.

100 calls PER HOUR? That’s horrific! Many times the cops wind up getting hurt in domestic violence situations. That’s just mind blowing stats.

I was abused by my now ex-husband. People ask why you don’t stand up for yourself. I tried that and learnt my lesson not to do it again

I didn’t realize until I started seeing a great psychiatrist that my hypervigilance was normal. I describe it as my alarm system is always set at Amber and very quickly goes to Red. I’m very rarely at Green if I’m not with my wonderful husband of 19 years

You are absolutely my favorite Asian British London-based forensic psychiatric RU-vidr. All of the other ones aren't half as good.

I don't think Dr Das that many people know exactly what constitutes Bully behaviour . I wish Schools taught children exactly what is verbal , emotional abuse as well as the physical abuse . Maybe teach some parents too into the bargain lol .

ah those old people and their climbing habits... :o) Jokes aside though - I do not believe that there is such a thing as "too little coverage" of this particular issue, because gaslighting and the more extreme forms of domestic abuse are just waaay too common and the victims deserve the reassurance that the issue is not with them. Thank you for covering this, Doc!

The topic is by no means a funny one. I was emotionally abused and physically abused growing up by my mother and then by my first husband abused in every way imaginable. The funny part was while you were trying to find a word to say what we did while you investigated I said out loud vegitate. I laughed hysterically when you said that! You’re showing your age using that word.😂 Love your channel! Keep up the great work that you do!

You’ve basically described everything about my past relationship

Basically, the symptoms of the perpetrators of domestic abuse are similar to those of NPD but, in extreme cases, the dark triad, with psychopathy and Machiavellianism.

I had stepmother (kindergarten teacher). So not allowed to tell. It was a WAR ZONE. When I left, she started attacking my dad. She’s dying now. Mother’s Day I did send a final gift, but the whole thing has been hectic since I was 5. I have no family because I just couldn’t deal with her.

Spot on Dr Das as always! Your honest and straightforward approach to a seemingly taboo topic such as DV is why there are equally as many non reported cases as reported. Thank you for all you do to raise awareness on DV as well as other issues that many will no discuss openly. YIBAMBA!!!!

💯 Thank you so much for doing this video. I was nodding my head pretty much the entire time I was listening. Domestic abuse survivor here. Thankfully I’m free and clear of him now, but I still get nightmares and flashbacks from time to time.

It was actually Valerie Bacot that led me to your channel (not her personally, I was being nosey) she's a legend in many ways.

Excellent topic. Domestic violence is not aptly dealt with in the lower courts here in SA and I expect the same in other western countries. One cannot diagnose mental illness each and every time as it gives the perpetrator the power not to take accountability for their choices of conduct. We had a serious matter here during the 1980's where the wife shot and killed the abusive husband in the back whilst he was asleep with a 357 magnum handgun. Our law has changed since then and I shall have to read up on the matter again, but same set a precedent.

As ok as I was with the lockdown thing, oh! How I felt for people trapped in a home with a violent psychopath! MANY people got abused even worse.

I heard you on dead bug and was very interested in your channel and I am now listening to you and have subscribed. I thank you for this particular video because I recently have gone through an abusive relationship and just left the home and realized by hearing you that I did the right thing so thank you for this video 💙

Premium solutions from this chap. .. thanks so much.

Societal attitudes towards abusive behaviour in relationships, weren’t approving, yet tended to see it as a private situation. I think it was for eg the 1970s that saw the recognition that rape could take place in marriage in England and Wales. I am interested in whether this case would be categorised as murder, or if there would be an arguement that it would be classed as one of the variants of manslaughter?

it's more than just fear about reporting. It is a valid and realistic concern because the whole system attacks the woman for reporting. So, it is far more than her being afraid that he will retaliate for reporting.

You are definitely on of my favorite sources of information and definitely the top source for a lot of things when it comes to RU-vid. I hope you blow up, I'd like to see you doing this for a long ass time to come. Its so easy to digest and I love your corny jokes... most jokes go over my head so its nice to pick up on jokes I get.

Those who are co dependant are targets for the predators

In Canada We now call it IPV or Intimate Partner Abuse and We leave the DV moniker to Law Enforcement.

Holy shit. I said 30 and thought I was over estimating.

My ex punched me in my shoulder i didnt leave straightaway a year of mental and financial abuse followed. It became apparent that he would fo it again when he started sceeaming down the phone and yelling if i said anything that set him off. Could be mundane. He would ring incessantly then he started ringing my psychiatrist and psychologist. I have anorexia. Said i didnt deserve a valentines gift as id memory loss and i walked away. Id rang him that day but hed say i would drop off. I had to be number 1. I was disgusted. Hed gotten me nothing for xmas and pawned my phone and was drinking. I got a new partner and to my devastation started to harass my ex girlfriend partners about her own mental health issues. I was in bits and no longer felt safe and couldnt even feel safe outside as i felt hed turn up. Triggered a massive sib episode and my left arm is all cut. I felt like i was his property. Will probably scar. Will need sleeve tatoo to cover it. Should have left when i got the bad feeling dating him. He strained all my relationships and im hated. Im also very badly anorexic possibly under 5 stone. I am trained to the teeth and wont go far from the house. Your never the same after a relationship like this. I feel he has ruined my life. Hes such an evil man. Hed also talk about eating and food constantly so id throw it in the bin. I used to be a binge eater. Hes blocked but im going to the guards for him harassing my ex girlfriend. I have a right to move on.

Can you address this in regards to parent/child relationships? I was raised in an abusive household and it has shaped how I deal with all relationships. I also still have trouble with holding healthy boundaries with my mother (who is still abusive- verbally, emotionally and mentally)

Some women won't stop until it gets violent ...I ran a pub in a very rough area for 8 years and couldn't believe what I used to see ... The pimp that used to get jealous of his girl talking to other men but also rented her out to get his money used to spin my head out ...

You are right I think about the gradual, subtle, mine cranked up the night I was married and the cycle began in a more defined pattern in hindsight. I do wish I had kept walking through the front door on the first pregnancy but I was sucked back in for want of a better word. The effect on the mind is a permanent scar, no matter the healing or therapy or medical intervention or effort on the part of the victim to get better. There is collateral damage to any children as well. We need better informed GP's as well as the police , the latter so they can try and filter what is going on. My GP discounted any information I had as he played tennis with the perpetrator, said he was too nice, and immediately dismissed my concerns. So if a victim is met with that kind of thing at the get go, why report? Mine ignored other evidence with me and didn't raise the topic. I would hope this has all changed but I suspect not. I gave shelter briefly to a lady that used to run a brothel, through repetitive assault from her boss she was trauma bonded. I tried to encourage her to move away, but back she went. Her comment to me it is a pity the police don't understand trauma bonding. While it may not be considered a policing matter perhaps, they do need to know these things and domestic violence in order to do their job. What would make it easier for them is to have the laws changed. As police are there to police the law. Change the laws so the police can act. Then there may be more reporting and hopefully a change in society, which collectively says no to abuse in all its forms, physical, sexual, emotional. Two of those, evidence can be photographed, one you cant as yet. That is where a professional assessment would come into the mix. I read 1 in 7 married women in the USA suffered rape withing marriage. That was over 20 years ago. I only wonder that lady in France didn't try the retaliation sooner perhaps.

0:46 😂 Doc ' you are just naughty naughty.

But what if this person is your parent / carer? This was my life with my mother until I got married. I didn't know I was abused and thought that people who had normal relationships with parents / carers were spoiled and constantly defended her when people tried to call out her behaviour

Dear Dr Das, I would be interested in your opinion (assuming you haven't already done so and I've not found it yet) on the Gabby Petito, Brian Laundrie case, particularly when the police had a chat to them on the side of the road and it was captured on their video.

What happens when he says sorry and doesn’t blame me but blames himself 😢

A very good one, thanks a lot. Pls what Abt the statistics in Africa?, We need that too. Well done

Domestic violence, sex offending and animal abuse are often interconnected because its often due to lack of empathy from personality disorders, which is why oftentimes it runs in families because of genetics, my autistic son had to be removed by police because he was domestic abusive towards me both emotionally and physically, his father before he was removed was removed for attacking our son, like father like son, the dark triad of personality disorders just need staying the hell away from if possible, yes I know some people have to work with them etc but never let them close they are a danger. I used to react to being abused then felt guilty because reactive abuse makes you snap as it did with the woman that killed her husband

That Bombay sends me silly ...I listen to u at night falling asleep !!

All these traumas in relationships relate to a childhood with one or two narcissistic parents. If a marriage or a relationship does not work, one has to have somebody to talk to and when necessary a place to go to. In the example you gave, the poor girl had no family to go to. No one to talk to. When I hear her story, I think: ´You should have killed him earlier´. Women are so repressed in society that men feel entitled to do this without consequences for themselves. That is so sad. I am not saying that women cannot be abusers as well.

You are brilliant i only just found you i went through this my ex was mental but unfortunately for me he played the victim he was big and use to strangle me a lot his favourite trick i was walking on eggshells all day and night long he wouldnt even let me go out in the end and spied on me with cameras longgg story but thank you for your video im watching the other one on autism

I love your dry sense of humour.

Have you ever assessed offenders in Bullwood Hall Prison where Sally Clark was housed before her January 2003 exoneration?

Also men can be victims too

No conversation about domestic violence should occur without including the woman-on-man violence and how it's not only accepted in society but actively encouraged. As a result men are not taken seriously in reporting, and this leads to vast under-reporting of domestic violence. We know that at least half of domestic violence is committed by women against men and yet domestic violence shelters for men only constitute 10% of beds. So much work needs to be done.

How did you know I was vegetating lol 😂 But seriously, our world requires a epic behavioural change for men to process their anger/fear/pain to convert the despicable activities towards women & children into equal relationships. We have had enough.

You educate whilst I cook dinner. 😆

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️😍👌🏽 thanks 🙏

An abuse that never gets talked about...is your partner concealing income (to extreme) in order to avoid paying their share of household expenses...so in essence they become financially dependent on you, draining your resources and putting massive stress on the spouse doing it all. This happened to me. After 100 PC financially supporting an unemployed husband for a full 2 years...he got a job...but chose to declare about 10 PC of the income he actually generated by it....essentially still paying nothing in the relationship. I discovered all of this by chance. It was never physically abusive but was full of manipulation and lies

I forgot how I got here but the comments reminded me 😂. Legion forever. Deadbugggg

I had a partner one time who said he was going to kill himself because his vehicle stopped working. At that point in time when I was with him, I literally wheeled all the way to the mall in my wheelchair must’ve taken me two hours, but just to make sure he wouldn’t do that, that’s what I did pretty stupid huh I should’ve been like go ahead

what are the solutions ??

I'm a abuser I regret what I did I will never do it again

How did he know my uncle Jack was racist😶

I'm glad the #!#! got what he had coming. Unfortunately it came far, far too late to save this poor woman from a lifetime of hell ( which is hopefully where he is. That's where demons belong)

One thing I've read recently is about makes having drops in their hormones like females do during menstrual cycles. I do wonder how many DV incidents happen during these times of hormornal imbalances. I'm not talking about the likes of Poulet here, obviously.

Her mental health from such a young person, not to mention her further abuse

What makes a man kill his wife and then himself?

Abusers do what they do only because they can. That is what a social worker trained in women's issues told me once after she went through it first herself while being an Opera singer who was married to a lawyer. She was getting paid less to be a professional Opera singer in a city which had been declared no longer a frontier in the year 1953 and so after leaving him she had to make a return to school in order to have any chance at all to acquire an income to avoid ending up on welfare as a single mom. Both her sons became lawyers too. I wonder where that social worker is now when no longer working here in this city. I hope her family physician and her sons are treating her well instead of misdiagnosing her as having dementia now that she is no longer working in a public place where everyone can tell that would be only a lie being told.

It is important to remember that both man and women go through domestic abuse. My father is still a victim and he wont leave for whatever reason

AMEN TO THE KIDS DEAL

You explain what happens in build up phase and after. But not why. Thats is the question. "How" is easy. Just watch and learn the pattern. Show the why.

Oh I know this, Dr speigle told us: drugs and ear pieces

We are 11 years later - this happened during a rather short period of 9 months (September 2011 -> May 2012) and it still is a very chaotic memory for the simple reason that it was only mental abuse (and, if physical, he used the taking your breath away during deep sleep method, so I would not remember it afterwards) that I had ignored for too many years. The psyche has ways to remember and ways to forget and we are NOT making it better by our juridical system that is based on the idea of punishment, instead of safety. Having said this (as a disclaimer), yesterday, I had a flash back that I now believe to be true. The trigger was the Netflix series INSIDE MAN and the 'joke' of PAY THE RAPIST ... #MeToo has done NOTHING for women that are captured in an invisible prison and when I tried to prove that I was a victim of serious gaslighting, they started to refer to 'a Karen' - sabotaging the fact that even that one was a strategical move. Anyway, I remembered Patrick helping me upstairs and Peter (the ex) sitting at his desk in the duplex. Nothing was said, but the context was obvious - I have a rare form of MPS, a twin sister personality, and that only became clear when I was unable to sleep anymore. Patrick was my rescuer, but was not allowed to save me and Peter's entourage continued reinforcing the idea that I was imagining these things (because I was a lazy b**ch. I mean, this is not something that happens behind doors, but in plain sight and still, it has to be too late before we take action (and other people are paid for their complete lack of humanity. This is the reason why I decided to become the patronesse of lost causes and sensitize the authorities to create a safer environment for women. KAYAK will do its part of the deal (studying the real psyche (we only know manipulative psychology) and how it protects us against toxic behaviour). I am the ONE expected,I am the Gentile Bride and this is not an outing of madness, but people are extremely hostile at the moment and work out their anger on people that don't have a chance to react. I'm in a chronical state of grieve and disappointment, unable to reward me anymore and even that fact is undermining my chances - I died from inside out!

There wasn’t a lot here about the causes of domestic abuse.

Gaslighting! Go away!

that woman was forced to marry i dont know a slave owner fell in love with her captive not a marriage, i guess i suffer from trauma from my mother been abused i fear loud noises i also cant live near people with abusive loud relatioships i live alone dont like living with any man no permanent employees either

Guesstimate…😊

Did you just call me fat? Rude

K I don’t think the music is appropriate

Those popup images sound like Decca's top lip.

Man, you need to listen to Laura Richards. You have got this stuff so wrong.

Bro was discombobulated by a whole AK 47 pro max digital camera scope converter

Patronising much

I can't find a gf but girls easily jump into arms of domestic abusers. This is absurd and not fair.

Giving all you have Taking lies and abuse Emotional getting told your in the wrong but being a good household slave But still stringing you alone And told your the only one For me babes 😂 Until you realise your like Ben stiller with a 10th place ribbon 😂 Happy fishing

This is a very gendered video as you are focusing solely on one gender( and you can guess which one with the exception of the helplines). As for the figure- using the crime survey is useless when you should be using ONS or the police themselves ONS put it at 60:40 and the police put it at 50:50( because of the severe underreporting by one gender, and it isn't by the gender you focus on). The police reported in 2017 and 2018( the year you use) that the arrest rate for women was three times as high as it was for men ( because it was normalised for one gender to do it and assumed they wouldn't be arrested) i got this information directly from the police and the local authorities who are having to deal with this. You claiming it as far more men is a joke especially when most men wont report it( and thats confirmed by the police).Using custodial sentencing figures is really ignorant when it was already pointed out for a long time that female perpetrators get lenient sentencing( its in the judicial guidelines) as do all women which includes non custodial sentences for DV. Men don't get that privilege.. " what causes domestic violence"? Among other things, the prevailing attitude of a society that says its acceptable( and including bias on videos) to perpetrate upon one group and deny them access to support including refuges... your very obvious bias( in this video) is contributing to the problem and as a "professional" it is unethical and unprofessional the way you have presented this. You sound like you could have been an ambassador for one of the many "charities" who have deliberately denied access to one group over another. I'm a survivor of Domestic Violence over 7 years across 4 countries( including the UK), including civil and religious jurisdictions with at least 4 out of the 5 categories( defined by the home office) and that doesn't include what was done to my disabled daughter(I'm disabled as well). My biggest obstacle was the attitude of people in society( including activists, politicians and media) who decided that its my fault. The bias of the police, legal system and the supposed " support" charities was already pointed out when the welsh assembly commissioned a report and then later took one of these charities to court for gender discrimination for denying them access to support resources. DV will never end or greatly reduce whilst society continues with their biases against groups and those "charities" that turn DV into a profit making industry rather than the original intention to support those in need.

Scrap "you Bombay" please! otherwise good.

I love your videos but the jokes and sound effects are annoying and makes me consider not watching anymore. Please!

Your music is very distracting .

The whole racist thing turns me off. I really liked your channel but I’m sick of hearing about racism. I’ve dated black men. My best friend is gay, she’s the Tom boy type gay too and was the most popular person in our high school and was even on the homecoming court and that was in the year 2000. I live in a rural town. Please stop with the racism bullshit. Hopefully you’ll stick to the video topics. If not I’m out. Not that you care but it is the comments section so…