Indeed. However it's empowering. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk Safe People by Henry Cloud
Your judgment of the situation with your grandfather was completely accurate. Most people are too fake to stomach the truth and so they lash out as a way of avoiding facing up to it. You were a messenger of truth and she (your grandfather's friend) shot the messenger.
I remember when I was in public school and I questioned how America was a free country when we were forced to say the pledge of allegiance against our will. Then when I make these observations I was told I complain too much.
judging people for "complaining", another issue that needs addressing. I've got a list of complaints I need to get through due to a series of injustices which have built up & by God I'm going to get through all of them. I've been accused of being a "serial litigator" when i hadn't even litigated anyone (by a therapist), & that "complaining" was a problem I had when they had a profession and very comfortable living circumstances & their own houses, & I was stuck long-term in horrendous state housing which eventually caused chronic illness due to the lack of insulation from intense cold.... crime, train noise, etc. These demeaning accusations are the result of meetings between the Haves and the Have-nots.
I was very obedient to my parents, rarely talked back, and was intimidated by them. But I remember one time my father said, "You are very judgmental!". Looking back, I realize that I had gotten to the point where I was beginning to think for myself and he recognized it even if I didn't. That was his way of trying to beat me back into submission. Over time I have come to develop my judgement, discernment, logic, and critical thinking skills. And I've developed confidence in my judgment. Now I am unapologetically discerning and trust my own judgement. I don't speak it to others though, I keep it to myself. They used to call that "keeping your own counsel".
I was always told I was 'opinionated'. I remember being both angry and frustrated. But after some time went by and really thinking about it I would say, "that is what you become when you think for yourself". These people didn't like it but they put up with it.
When I was younger, people would often tell me I was "too sensitive" or that I "think too much"... nowadays, if I hear something like that (rare), then I respond, "you don't think enough"... or "you lack emotional intelligence"... or something like that.... although that technique might not work as smoothly with the judgemental label... I think the best response is "Calling me judgemental is itself a judgemental statement". That's a winner.
I have been called judgemental my whole life, in family and friend situations. Because I can't stand people BSing and thinking they can get away with it.
This hit the nail on the head - by calling you judgmental, they themselves are being judgmental. Maybe that could give them a hint that being "judgmental" by itself is neither good or bad and the only thing that matters is whether the judgment in question is correct or not.
I experienced this myself when I confronted my boyfriend's use of cigarettes. His friends said it wasn't my place to "tell him what to do", that I was out of line, his own mother tried to convince me that smoking occasionally was nothing serious...
Ppl who were critical of others behind their back called me “ judgmental” for calling them out. I just broke up with my “ friend” because of that. I feel better now
Everyone has to use judgement all day everyday. It's an important part of our wiring. Good for you to do such a difficult thing as calling out a very painful and destructive power dynamic in your family especially toward the Patriarch. That took a lot of courage. It's also courageous to practice self reflection and judgement. While judgement is crucial and unavoidable, it is also important to have compassion in this world - just every day gentle understanding that most people are doing their best. Not talking about your grandfather and his ilk.. people who intentionally hurt others need to be judged and avoided if at all possible. Thank you for putting yourself on the line in your videos.
Or, "Why are you being so truthful with yourself?"! I notice that expressing hard truths about myself oftentimes puts people off, perhaps because it activates unconscious guilt in themselves.
I hear what you're saying of the friend saying, almost like an automatic response, "Don't be judgmental." When I was in middle school and was working on a group project with four people, I was doing more work than another student. I reported this to the teacher. The teacher didn't really want to get into the middle of the dispute, and ended up giving me an A+. The other student got "just" an A, I believe. In high school my physical education teacher told me, "Don't tattle-tale" when I reported how some students were unfairly not running all the way to the out-and-back point of the course but were lazily cutting the 0.1 mi. course by 20 feet or so. Like you said, in both of these situations, the teachers had the power of authority.
To me, the difference between being judgmental or not, is if the person being judged is doing something that is in actuality morally heinous. A lot of people judge because they get something out of being "better" then the person they are judging, but a lot of other times when someone is being "judgmental" they are actually right for judging something (like "judging" child trafficking, infidelity, insensitivity and other forms of untrustworthiness). Also, when someone is "justly judging" they are more 'clear' in their assessment and more free of projections and other distortions.
Nice video Daniel. Has really gotten me thinking. I dont think I was careful enough. Felt too driven to fully express my authentic self and what was actually reality, that I ignored the warning signs that were telling me that I couldn't actually cope with peoples cognitive dissonance. I couldnt cope with having so many people I loved and cared deeply about try to shut down my truth and hate me for it. It nearly drove me crazy. And broke my heart repeatedly. Thankyou Daniel. Has helped me process a lot of things. Also really made me appreciate the people I do have in my life who try not to do that. Its a really rare thing hey? And isn't that devastating
Yup... this world is full of "cognitive dissonance". I wish people who were sensitive to it could somehow unite and create integrated communities of their own... It seems to me like unhealthy people dominate the world.
Yes, Yes, Yes...once again your right! I have been saying the same to my family & friends. No one is giving such truthful insight & facing the BS like you are Daniel. I love your videos!
Grateful 🙏✨ After everything I’ve lived and seen of humans, I really don’t like them at all. People like you are a rarity and I’m grateful I know that you exist.
I’m an infj and have learned to own up to my judgy side. Judgements help us make sense of the world and we are all judgy on different levels. When people point out my judgmental side i can agree with them. Just because they think being judgmental is bad doesn’t mean it is. Also, when i am conscious, i can convey how something makes me feel, which is slightly different form of judgment. Instead of saying my grandfather’s affair is wrong, i can say, when i see my grandfather cheating on my grandmother and my grandmother drinking, it causes me a lot of pain. I have found this stamens to be more vulnerable and true than the first statement but it’s often easier for me to make a judgment than to own my feelings. If i make a judgement i can own up to my judgy side if someone points it out to me.
I know how incredibly supportive this little comunity of people who watch Daniel has become. And i also know that Daniel reads all of these comments. My brother killed himself couple nights ago and i would like if anyone could send me some material on how to cope with this. I only found one video on suicide in Daniel's video library.It's generally pretty hard to find much things about it. If someone has anything i would be very gratefull for it.
Annoying judgemental person: "Dont be so judgemental!" Respondent (must be in a louder voice): "Oh I'm sorry you feel so judged! Do you often feel persecuted?"
A person learns to be judgmental and/or self-righteous, they’re not born that way. I’ve spent decades being both. I only recently realized I learned that behavior from my mom-it didn’t hurt that she was/is a fundamentalist Christian. I’m sure that came in handy. (That’s me being judgmental -and sarcastic-again). I excused my indulgence in the same behavior she indulged in because it was “hereditary” or taught to me. It served me well for many years-until it didn’t. I started feeling not so good about my behavior. Matter of fact, I got sick and tired of my own bad attItude! I understand my mother passed the ball to me, but I didn’t have to run with it! I also realized I have felt very judged myself. Apparently, I decided to become the person/people who hurt me. That’s not good-for me or anybody else. So, I’m doing my absolute best to alter my behavior (and attitude). It ain’t easy, but it’s getting a little easier every day. And so totally worth it!
@@browncatwithblurredbackgro2461 I left the church many years ago. There are good and bad people in the church, just as there are good and people everywhere. You don’t have to be religious to be judgmental or self-righteous-just join any group that claims to know the truth about anything, including a political party/ideology. I left the church a long time ago. My bad attitude (which I chose to adopt) has been more difficult to let go of.
It's unfortunate how many fake, mentally unhealthy people we become entangled with in our lives. Especially when it's family. It lakes a long time to see who people really are and by that time it can be very hard to get away from the relationship because of how much your lives are intertwined.
Yup, and if they affected you during childhood, then it can take a long time to fix it yourself. And by the time you fix yourself, then a lot of life opportunities could have passed you by. Crappy situation, totally unfair, but... that's life :)
This are fantastic observations Daniel. I relate to seeing how disturbing your grandfather’s affair was. I have an uncle who is a psychiatrist who had an affair with a patient he had that was 18, terminally ill and friends with his own children. He suffered no repercussions and still works as a clinician.
Awful! I still hear stories about this happening today, but I think it was more common some decades back. Clinicians with no respect for the power dynamics the relationship.
Projection may run the show of human interaction to a way larger extent than even those of us remotely aware of this phenomenon would have guessed. "That which you think about me isn't me. That's you."
For the bystander, Its easier to side with the abuser, he expect you to do nothing. The victim expect you to take action. (Judith Herman). I sometimes think that when someone call me for something I did wrong, it depends on the timeframe, the situation, my current feelings, unexpectancy... if I would say "OK, you're right, I admit" or I'll just jump into denial and blaming some other causes. Its the timepoint and activeness of of this third person, that he brings the issue when I'm not ready or i'm not expecting it so I feel much vulnerable then if I was expecting it.
As a Black woman, I am labeled "critical" and "confrontational." Thus, , I really appreciate your point about the power structure and how it points its finger outward, never inward.
As a black woman you point your finger outward so you can avoid taking responsibility for yourself by blaming the 'power structure' for black poor performance in education and employment and high performance in crime and welfare dependence.
Well said. There's definitely constructive vs. non-constructive forms of judgement. I think there's lot's of ways to judge, and I suspect that everyone judges multiple times, everyday, often without realizing it.
Lol, the great irony of calling someone "judgemental", is they're Judging you and shaming you, attributing to you. Thanks for the 'multi' analysis. You have to imagine if the other person says "you are judgemental" in a positive tone, so it's actually a compliment of having good judgment.
I re-reviewed this video again. It came up in my feed after watching and listening a few months back. My boss called me judgmental today...he has also labeled me as other things in the past couple of months. I think your terminology of "able to assess reality" is a good way to describe having discernment about situations that come into your life. This is a new boss of only a couple of months and I came in to work on his books and he has run his business into the ground because of poor business practices. He uses "magical thinking" to describe how things are run and I told him that there is no "magic" in accounting. He doesn't like to look at facts is what I have discerned. I really found this video helpful - thank you. I really think everyone is judgmental and that isn't necessarily a bad thing - I just try not to let the ego run amok with that label. Thanks, Daniel. Always enjoy your content and thanks for sharing.
That's a great story illustrating why I'm now studying to transition into a career where I can be remote. Less human interaction with messed up customers, coworkers, and especially messed-up bosses! :)
You're so right, it's such a put-down, an attack even, yet the person themselves is the one being "judgemental". I was told by a judgemental counsellor that I "had a lot of anger" as if that was a problem even though I wasn't actually angry but told her what had gone wrong (anger's fine with me if it is based on real situations of abuse etc), that I "blamed" others, including a counselling org, as if that was taboo when I was simply describing some bad experiences & the failure of an org to deal with it properly (In other words it wasn't about "blame", which side steps the real issues, it was about abuse & accountability) - and that was after making myself vulnerable revealing personal stuff! Even when I said she made me feel I'd done something wrong she failed to resolve the issue & carried on accusing me I was so angry (for real) I wrote her an email telling her she'd been judgemental & biassed from the start, & if she had a political agenda she shouldn't be a therapist. (I thought clients were supposed to be able to express themselves freely. Unfortunately it seems some people are exploiting the profession for another agenda completely - to judge others). Perhaps you could address the counselling obsession with judging clients: accusing them of "blaming" & even "generalising" (which is unavoidable sometimes) as if they are committing a crime, and they are the ones to decide that.
Rule #1. Thou shalt never speak of or see the truth in the dysfunctional family. And also - spot on - they are very clearly judging you (as someone unworthy or worse) when they move to quickly shut down any questioning of a situation, however mild. Hence the helpful need for an “enlightened witness” if one is lucky to help one and support one process the truth.
In my experience, there is an important nuance that is often overlooked in the dynamic in which people will use different language to distinguish between you "being hard on yourself" and you "being judgmental of others". I don't see this as them allowing for a kind of judgment to occur in one direction but not the other. I see it as them showing their cards and revealing their own concurrence with your self-judgment, but choosing to disguise that fact and act with a feigned kindness ... Because to accept your self-assessment and then earnestly work with you to understand your concerns and help you to address them would reveal their willful self-ignorance. There could no longer be any denial of the fact that they are more self-aware than they are presenting themselves to be and are simply not willing to face what they know. They play good-cop when you are discerning towards yourself and bad-cop when you are discerning relative to others, but only in the service of their own self image.
the truth is often cruel and stark which is why so many people, most are allergic to it. im not sure if anyone here is into astrology but its said that virgos are sharp-tongued, and i definitely am and im a virgo lol! i also have autism and we are very honest which is often labelled as rude and judgmental since it seems neurotypicals feel being truthful is rude and cruel. lying is considered being kind, which really blew my mind when i discovered that fact.
You are helping to give others a conscience. Also, you validate those who see the pretentiousness of others, call them out on it and are verbally attacked consequently. Most people run from the truth, and they cannot discern truth readily without goodness of heart. They can criticize others, but when they are confronted directly they will not address their shortcomings in their own behavior. Some draw with words they fabricate into a lie, and they live that lie. When you find holes in what they are doing or saying or in how they are behaving, they suddenly want to change the subject, or they ignore those they would have otherwise engaged. Relatives are not the only to do these things. There are former "friends," or people with whom one once socialized.
Wow. I never thought about it that way. I thought there was something wrong with me, but apparently that might not be true... Interesting in that regard that therapists are often said to have to be "non-judgemental".
And yet some become therapists precisely because they're judgemental, sticking to incestuous cliques based on judgementalism. Some are plain abusive & judgemental on sight of certain people which happened to me on an open day. It was extraordinary, he obviously had issues, possibly with women. It turned into bullying because I was asking questions & then two more people with issues joined in.
@@dmackler58 Maybe he wasn’t created in a vaccuum though. What if grandma had an affair(s) and he said screw it, I can play that game too and they just stayed together for the kids? A loveless marriage full of distrust, revenge and power plays?
Indeed unfolding your grandfather was a psychotherapist and his relationship with his young patient is as important in it's psychological weight and impact on you as your relation to your parents... This opens another Pandora's box...
So a psicologyst having an affair with his own client, no new to me. My brother a psicologyst having múltiple affair with his clients, most of them woman that has been raped. All my family try to hide that from everybody, their are very sick.
Yikes. I would report that guy to his professional board if you can... maybe anonymously if your family would retaliate (sounds liek they might). I'm not sure if it would do any good. Justice and ethics is largely a lost cause, but who knows, you might catch the powers that be on a good day, where they get off their rears and do something. It would do a little good for the world.
The situation you describe sounds like you had a good healthy reaction that was suppressed by your family in order to maintain a dysfunctional situation - so in that case I agree.....However in a different situation where I’ve seen someone judged to be of less value due to having less money and being a lower working class - in that case I find judgement to be toxic and damaging because the judgement was given with the Brent ion of diminishing another human being
I've seen lots of cases where prejudice is accurate, and plenty where it wasn't. Like the 7 day weather forecast, prejudice can be a useful, even critically important... but take it with a grain of salt. Have prejudice in your back pocket, but don't let it carry you away, and always be ready to change opinions based on a person's actual behavior. That's how I try to use it.
We are naturally judgmental. Most people love to judge, it's healthy & necessary for survival. What they fear is BEING judged, by someone they fear might have superior, more valuable judgments. Skilled judgment requires thought & a developed mind. Without it, you self-destruct.
I got labeled like this and thought it was a bad thing and then intentionally ignored my judging thoughts only to find out the hard way they were normally accurate observations meant to warn me
Knowing how to judge (in the sense of "analysing + drawing certain conclusions") a situation or someone's actions is crucial to the health of a human group or system. All those who refuse to do this, or who prevent others from doing this, are accomplices to the misfortunes, tyrannies and crimes of our human world.
It would be cool for you to make a video on the other side of the coin - people who really *are* overly judgemental. I have a friend who does this a lot but he seems completely oblivious, like completely lost in the sauce, so-to-speak. He'll judge me for acting a certain way and act like it's normal and factual when he's seeing something that I'm not. There's a disconnect. Easily the most problematic friend of our circle so I've really been trying to help him see his own flaws. Unfortunately I had one opportunity to lay it all out, when he was asking me why I didn't talk to him for months one time and was in a very reflective and self-critical mood, and I fucked it up by only saying one of the reasons, so he only got a small fraction of the picture. I blame myself a lot for this. It makes me feel like a bad friend to them. Hoping the next opportunity comes sooner than later so we can resolve this tension.
I think no one has the right to judge others lives as long as others aren't being harmed in this case yes the situation was wrong since others in the situation were being harmed ( the grandmother.)
It is a very curious thing with forgiveness which I see as being closely related to being "judgmental" - it seems that so many people and ideological systems say they are so forgiving and tolerant, yet if you were to hold a grudge against someone or refuse to forgive them, then *you* become an unforgivable criminal with no redemption in the eyes of those very people who claimed to be so forgiving. Well, in the best case, you are seen as misguided and in need of 'correction', like a stray lamb or some similarly horrible analogy. Not my original idea, just reiterating what seemed to be a relevant observation about this double standard.
TY for sharing this story of what adoration of Drs & Psychiatry led us to. My mom's first husband (my dad) used her Psychiatrist as a causative factor in thier divorce because he said they had an affair. Even as a child, that didn't sound right when I saw her in straight jacket in padded room & she had so many years of Electroconvulsive Therapy at that private Psychiatric Hospital in Virginia(Bayberry with Dr Pyle?). How could you call any sexual relationship resulting from that abuse of Pt/Dr trust in therapeutic relationship as an affair? Dad was covering for affair he was having with secretary till he married her, so it's obvious now in retrospect that Drs are hooked up with Attorneys to cover men's butts...It was popular in the 60's at least.👀Thx for sharing the unbelievable reality of tge Mental Health Field. Your work is so refreshing to me as Ex 33yr Psych Nurse/USAVet/Foster Mom who saw too much.🙏😃💞
Wow what a horrible cruel nasty thing your grandfather was doing..wow.Imagine not judging that behaviour,that would have been immoral in my view to stay quiet.He deserved to be judged.What kind of values are those? Obviously the judgements we make are based on our values.It is blind judgements based on I'll informed or ignorant prejudices that are the problem.People who never examine their implicit biases and prejudices or conditioning are often the most judgemental.It sounds like you Daniel were too prone to self judgement and picking apart yourself.I feel this too,I was so caught up in my own anxieties and fears of not bring good enough or OK meant that I did not make right judgements of others or trust my judgements.
I think your intuition seems to be dead on. Story of my life. I’m usually right. Part of my healing was actually recognizing that all along, even in childhood, my intuition was right but I learned to doubt myself early in childhood.
I’m not sure if you’ve already made a video on this topic, but I’d really love to know your opinion on the current Age of Outrage we’re living in. I’d love to know your opinions on the risk of expressing one’s thoughts on the internet and the fact that simply trying to open up an honest dialogue can potentially lead to life threatening consequences.
I feel this way about having candid discussions about American racial issues. You can't express A LOT of thoughts if you aren't willing to suffer some pretty heavy consequences. The saddest part to me is that this sort of censorship is contributing to the problem. Preventing honesty allows rottenness to fester.
I agree, there is nothingworse than a person willingly selling their sense of right and wrong to defend convention and injustice. People going the extra mile to please assholes, I have been on the end of hate and power fantasies too and it suucks. Youre Too weak/miserable/overpowered to fight, and too prideful and frustrated/bitter or mean to extricate yourself from the problem... Just gotta practice patience and peace, and try to be stronger, and maybe it'll become easier to defy the bullshit,,.. and the abackwards norms >:'/
By pointing out that people have sin in today's society, you would be called Judgemental. However without the existance of sin, everything that is culturally appropriate is permissible, the problem with this is that societies values are progressive. So eventually you will be called Judgement if you like it or not.
It strikes me you were actually giving you're opinion Daniel, rather different from judging, only a judge can judge. I wonder if people are misusing the term. Academics are taught to think critically, so I'm going to constructively criticise anything I like.
Yes you can be judgemental because of the way it's affecting your family. But in fact you weren't being judgemental you were voicing your concerns about a sensitive personal issue affecting feelings & other people. The woman who said that was an idiot, what was she implying by saying that? She was trying to shut you up, why? Did she also have an affair with your grandfather? The mind boggles.
We are not called to judge but we are called to DISCERN and there is a difference but manipulators will say there is not. That is gaslighting in my opinion. Do not allow this.
Well, you do need to understand that what is judgemental is spoken from the delusional position of authority. Are you the judge of someone elses life? Do you have a right to control or criticize others? Or tell them what they can or cannot do? If you think you do, who gave you that right? How did you get it?
I thought he was referring to the ethical issues around dating former clients because of the power imbalance? In my country, you aren't allowed to be in a relationship with clients you're counselling whether former or not, because you have a duty of care, I'm guessing this is the case in Daniel's country also.
@@pinkythepolarbear5272 I thought he was talking about the 35 year age difference. Yes, the client relationship thing is possibly illegal, but most definitely unethical.
what about like a boss / worker relationship, seems like a power thing would happen there as well. If the person working under such a boss claimed it was consensual, and they were open to it, would that just be masking the fact that the boss might show preferential treatment? So in that case, it might be described as faux consent
@@uniquename846 I can't imagine much in common between a 20 and a 55 year old to be fair, but I can imagine in a world of several billion people that such relationships can exist and be mutually fulfilling for both parties.
I’m saying; I’ve heard people say YoUrE NOt qUALiFieD to JUDgE pEOplE; granted, and I’m also not qualified to forgive anyone. 😱🤯😭 My surrogate mom didn’t name me Saint Peter; (you may meet him soon enough 😜) but for now, stop being so cowardly and accept that everyone isn’t **obligated** to like you #getoveryourself
