What Everyone Should Know About Sexual Assault 

This is a tough topic, and there's a lot of honest stories in the comments. Thanks for sharing your experiences, especially with various law enforcement, to help people make the best decision for themselves.

10yrs after my SA my assaulter went to the police and filed the report on himself.... and police called me and tried getting me to feel bad for him since the guilt was eating him up🙃🫠 and the case got denied by the DA due to lack of evidence; even though the assaulter told on himself.

Thank you for covering important, but unmonetizable topics.

Thank you. Please allow me to share the circumstances of Japan and what happens here. If you report a SA to the police, the officer attending to you will most likely be a man (women are often just relegated to traffic). In order to file a report, you will be forced to reenact the SA with a real-sized doll while policemen take photos for evidence. Victims of SA have reported that the reenactment is just as traumatic (or even more) than the assault itself. Also, in order to fully report, you need to be able to prove that you defended yourself-meaning scratches or injuries. Without taking into account many times victims will freeze and not attack (for fear of more brutal treatment). This aspect of the law was highlighted a few years ago when a judge acquitted a man of SAing his own biological daughter (a minor) because she “hadn’t struggled against it.” In a Flower Demo (a protest where victims of SA gathered and talked about their experiences), one victim even reported having gone to the police and the officer there told her to go home, take a shower, and come back when she was calm. She washed away all DNA evidence because she was complying with someone who should’ve protected her. Also, for AMAB victims, they weren’t even recognized as victims by law until 2017 (!!) when the law was amended to include non-PIV assault into its definition. It’s heartbreaking.

I was molested multiple times as a child and I’ve always thought it was weird that I seemingly have no trauma from it. There was some questioning of my sexuality and probably a somewhat unhealthy relationship with sex, but that’s more to do with pornography I think. The conversation around sexual assault is so often focused around trauma that I thought there must be something I’m not seeing, so knowing that my experience is actually very common is quite comforting.

"Oh no don't report the family member, they have a wedding coming on in two weeks" Well why did they decide to r/pe someone two weeks before their wedding then and how is that the victim's problem?🙃

My highschool boyfriend assaulted me nearly every day for 2 years. He would touch me while I was asleep and I had to fight him off when I woke up. He also pushed me into sex when I refused, he would keep nagging until I gave up and then afterwards I felt like a discarded fleshlight. That was 13 years ago, yet I still feel angry and defensive when people touch me or show sexual interest in me.

2/3 of the women I've dated and has sexual relations with were sexually assaulted. The panic in their face when things start to heat up the first few times broke my heart knowing what happened

When I went to the police they told me they can't help me because my ex bf at that time lived in another country. And that was it. He got away with it, all our mutual friends picked his side so I lost ALL my friends and I got a ton of hate from people in a game community because the ex was a "known" topplayer in a game. And the intimacy problem hasn't gotten better for me. This happened about 4 years ago and I can't have sex anymore. It feels bad, scary, gross and it just brings back up memories. I feel bad for my partner because we've been together for over 3 years and we've only tried once but I got triggered. He says he's okay with it but I can't help but feel extremely guilty and bad. Also, I pressed charges against my grandfather a few years ago because I recorded his confession of what he did to me as a child, he only got 18 months to prison :) CSA from my 6th to 12th year of age, I developed cPTSD, borderline, anxiety and he only gets 18 months to prison. I remember a week later I was watching the news and 2 motorbikers got arrested for speeding on a highway and they got 2 years to prison :)))))))))))

I worked in the military as a sexual assault advocate, and one of the problems with law enforcement is that they may inadvertently revictimize the survivor through the questions they'll ask trying to gather evidence. Some states or districts also have a mandatory report function if you go to the hospital, where LE is automatically called to attend the scene

As a male survior i think the information regarding reaching out to medical personell or law enforcment fails to mention that the responses from goverment agencies differ heavily if you aren't a woman. Statistics show that you will most likely not be taken seriously if you reach out to medical staff, law enforcement or mental health professionals, even living in a progressive country like Sweden i felt like the psychologist was offended by me being there, even the response from a family member felt cold and apathetic.

I was sexually abused for years. From 8-11 years old by someone older. I never knew how it would affect me until I became an adult and had so much difficulty having intimate relationships. I did encounter flashbacks often during sex, it was a horrible and embarrassing experience for me and my partner. When I was younger I used to just think that my abuser was going to pass away at some point and I would feel free. When the abuser did pass away it never went away. I spent years in therapy and using EMDR to get past it. Time to time the flashbacks still come back but definitely not as often. If you’re reading this wondering whether getting help will actually help, trust me it will. It will be a difficult journey to bring the experience back up but you have to do it to bring the closure. My “issue” in my adulthood is that I don’t value sex or have a sexual appetite like other individuals but I’m ok with that. If you need help in gaining motivation to get help, let me know.

I wish I knew this before. My partner got sexually assaulted a few years ago but they didn't want to go to the police, I didn't know what to do. Things spiraled and they tried to kill themselves with pills and I still feel the guilt of not doing enough to help.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD with my sexual assault, it is a pain because I'll just randomly relive what happened and get put right back to that fear and guilt and trauma when I was young (7, abused by two of my older cousins). I wish the people around me protected me. I think what hurts more than the sexual assault itself is my family members who brushed it off and excused it.

It happened to me twice. Once as a child by a male family member and 2nd time was my last toxic ex girlfriend who knew what happened to me as a child and drugged me. I couldn't move or talk, only mumble and she undressed me and under threat forced me to.... get it up and had her way with me. It brought back all the feelings of the first time. I didn't say anything cuz the first time was his word against mine and I didn't think anyone would take my side since I was a kid. The 2nd time was obvious cuz it is a woman who did it and yeah... It is pretty obvious no one would take that seriously.... So yeah, I never went to therapy and I have lots of trust issues and I have difficulty forming bonds with people

as a survivor, i want to thank you for that section about emotional responses. i can hardly get a break from feelings of guilt around not just what happened, but the fact that i didn't respond in perfect accordance with how you see people like us in the media. i _was_ angry, and i had to hide it alongside all my other emotions because i was in a relationship with the aggressor. i didn't know anger was such a normal response.

I knew of someone that was sexually assaulted after a party and then stole her purse and phone. She went to the police and a detective was assigned her case. They never tracked her cellphone. It should have been so easy to find this person if anyone involved had a clue that a cellphone could be tracked.

I was sexually abused as a child for years. I was also sexually assaulted almost two decades ago. It doesn't just go away all at once or if at all. I have been abused in other ways but the sexual stuff is much more evasive. Thanks Dr K with giving all this information because not enough women come forward after an assault.

I seriously can't stress enough how happy and greatful I am to come across your channel. To see internet generation being the MAIN target audience of a Psychiatrist is exactly what I needed. I browsed your titles and they're all relevant. I'm just a student so I can't afford any sessions but these videos alone are enough for me. Thank you so much Dr. K ❤️

I got raped twice Both times by people I thought of as best of friends and one of them even beat the hell out of the first guy... I'm still really broken and have not reported it to police because I wanted to get it over with, I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety. I know I wouldn't be involved in the whole process but the anxiety would eat me alive until I would get the decision from the court especially because I'm a victim of emotional, mental and physical abuse which was happening for the most of my life, I already have a lot on my plate that I can't handle. I can't express how not enough there are specialists in my country to help women and men in my situation and when there are they are very expensive which makes us feel like we are to be used for money. SA is horrible and no one and nothing can prepare you for how the consequences of it will hit your mental, like a truck or a train at full speed.

Unfortunately this sh*t happens very often. It might not be a full blown assault but even forcing yourself on someone a little is assault and this happens way too much :/ there might not be an intercourse involved but still if the guy doesn't stop that's abuse. That's assault.

I think another good conversation to have would be the differences/similarities of Sexual Assault, Harassment, and Manipulation, and how to move forward with help for each. I was in an extremely toxic relationship and although I was never 'Assaulted', I was repeatedly Sexually Manipulated and it completely gutted my self-worth, confidence, and eventual ability to be physical or intimate with another person after I was out of the toxic relationship. Honestly, I'm still not fully healed from it and am continuously working through it, it's been a long and confusing process since there doesn't seem to be many resources available for that kind of thing. I believe many people could benefit from hearing your thoughts on this topic. Thanks for all that you do!

Thank you for this topic. As someone who’s been assaulted multiple times, it’s so frustrating to explain to people why I can’t speak up at all and terrified. The amount of self-blame I get for myself for me saying is it’s not my fault always feels like my fault.

Could’ve used this back in HS. Not that it personally happened to me, but myself and my group of friends were often approached by females during HS that would disclose that they were either recently SA or had been in the past. Unfortunately we were highly inexperienced as to what to do. All we could tell them was to either call the cops or if the person that committed the crime went to the school we could jump them. They always refused either one. It always put us in a tough spot just having to know the situation and do nothing.

When I was SA'ed on a trip I took with a good friend, I cried in her arms the next morning and told her what happened (I was drugged - I saw the guy I had been dancing with put sth in my drink, I asked him about it, he said he didn't, I believed him and took the drink anyway...), and she just told me that that could not have happened. I 'just' blacked out from drinking too much and made a decision I now regretted. This may have messed me up more than the actual SA and made me thoroughly doubt myself. Thing is, even IF my drink was fine, and i really did 'only' black out, i still told the guy over and over again before that that I had no intention to sleep with him. I never consented, I did the opposite. It doesn't matter whether or not there was something in my drink, I said no, and he made it so that I couldn't say no. But not being able to consent (with a clear mind!) does not mean yes.

I'm not sure if ANYONE would relate to my story: I'm a trans woman, I was raped 3 years ago by 2 men (strangers that kidnapped me), I slept in their apartment that night and for some reason they decided we all eat breakfast the morning after and somehow decided to drive me back home to my family.... Weird. I did tell my family and wanted nothing more than speaking to the police the same day, so, 2 cases had been filed, one for the rapists and one against me for.... dressing in feminine clothing, I almost went to jail for 6 months but somehow worked it out and only went there for 3 days, and haven't heard anything about the other case, I'm not sure they even filed it at all. Worst part is if a case rises against me again, my head's gone, literally. I was very clueless with how brutal the police is and the laws here in good ol Saudi Arabia. I'm so proud of myself for keeping me alive through all that. (I'm still there so writing this comment is extremely terrifying).

Thank you so much for talking openly about this! I think the immediate culture can dramatically affects how people internalize an assault as well. I know a woman who was in a concentration camp in Poland during WWII. Women were SA'd regularly by guards, but everyone knew, so, when a woman was called into an office, all the women were ready to be there to comfort her after she came back out. The element of shame was completely eliminated (although still a horrific situation). It helps dramatically if the survivor isn't seen as "damaged" or inviting it or anything else like that, and are really believed and immediately comforted as needed.

I was assaulted as a teen by my uncle and after a while my brain erased that memory, but I was very depressed, anxious and didn't participate in social situations. Sometimes I did hurt myself and it took me years to actually process it and ask for help from a therapist. Now I'm better and really thankful that video like this exists because this is the topic with a lot of stigma around it and that's why many don't know what to do. At least I didn't.

its very sad to see the amount of comments sharing their own experiences. there are so many cases while one case is one too many. I hope everyone who has went through it gets better

I told my friend on the phone what happened to me the night before while I was living in college dorms, and the RA in my building overheard it because they were visiting a friend off duty in my roommate's room next to me and both of our windows were open. I was forced to meet with the school's Title IX officer. My mom got the email because she was signed into my email at the time (I was newly in college and wanted help with bills) and suddenly my SA spread beyond my control. When I was put in all these conversations and investigations, I was told I had two options. I could investigate through the police where they would need overwhelming evidence (that I didn't go to an ER to document) and 99% certainty that it happened and no evidence that it didn't. Or I could investigate through the school and as long as they have more evidence that it happened than it didn't. I don't understand how there could be evidence for a negative statement, but I decided to take the latter route as I had already had my story told for me (and destroyed my whole reason to avoid speaking up about it) so I did. They took a few weeks, had conversations with others, saw the video of them dragging me drunk into a back room, talked to people who WALKED IN ON THE ACT and determined they as a college couldn't prove enough to take any action. If the police are so helpful and are there to help me I wonder why even official channels like Title IX Investigators at colleges don't recommend it.

ALSO remember that in many countries you can still report to the Police being sexually assaulted as a child even many years after the assault

Thank you for speaking about this in a mature and sympathetic manner. A lot of content on this channel seems to be geared more toward a male audience, so videos like this that address issues that primarily affect women are appreciated. The co-op analogy at the end was golden too, lol.

I’m glad you’re talking about this. The main thing I wished I would’ve known is what consent was and that what happened to me was not my fault and I did not consent to it. I spent years not getting help or telling anyone. That was 2011 and now I am out of work on disability trying to figure out what’s wrong with my body and how to get it to function well enough to work again if it even can. My body is holding so much. I’m in pain all the time and I’m going in circles with doctors, specialists, therapists, physical therapy, psychiatrists with over $6k in medical debt. It’s a mess what one night did to my entire life. I hope people understand that we fail victims and survivors so much at every step of the way. Not teaching consent and healthy boundaries, the police system, the courts, doctors, all the gaslighting medically & mentally from everyone so we don’t even believe ourselves. Edit: Also-look into how many of those kits just sit in evidence rooms for decades. Keep in mind again ppl don’t report like me because they didn’t even know it was assault. Someone put something in my drink. A person I knew. It’s most likely people you know and not strangers that are perpetuating this. I had a horrible experience with an emdr therapist. She did not establish trust with me first, we moved into eye movement the second session and I kept telling her I didn’t think it was helping and she kept telling me it was...I wasted 4 months seeing her and getting more frustrated and hopeless about my healing. I finally found a trauma informed therapist with a PSYD that did a lot of work previously with victims and she’s the one finally helping me the way I need. Can you talk about different routes of therapy for trauma? I didn’t know where to start at first and wasted a lot of time and money and emotional pain working with the wrong people.

I really love that your approach isn't judgement of either party but instead asking them what they need. I really like this one metaphor from someone about approaching it like moving into a new apartment.

(heavy tw) i wasnt sexually assaulted but groomed on the internet (at the time i was 11, photos were shared, and im still being cyber stalked as a 14-15 year old). I have experienced high arousal for a whole year after the experience and then suddenly? nothing, i couldnt even look at sexual pictures without feelings of needing to puke. I am going to therapy and at some point i got diagnosed by my psychiatrist for ptsd and its all a little better now. But i want to say it wasnt only specifically the experience; It was people saying its my fault, my mom being dissmissive all together, my father being angry not at me but at the person that groomed me, the nightmares, people asking weird or retraumatizing questions, all the abusive relationships that followed because i didnt know what was normal anymore and the worst one, my mom leaving and never talking to me again taking away the person who is SUPPOSED to help me through this because she started a police report that never got anywhere. And now im stuck.

this isn't quite a "wow I was just recently in need of this information" comment but I do have a friend who's a survivor of multiple assaults. I'm always looking for quality info that might help him, thank you Dr K

I was molested by my (not blood-related) uncle when I was 9 years old. i had known him my entire life, and he was my favorite relative, I admired him so much. and then, out of nowhere, he starts touching me and kissing me and i didn't know what to do. this happened multiple times over the course of one week. i didn't really know what sexual assault was, but I felt this wasn't right. but I looked up to him so much that I just started making excuses. "maybe he doesn't know this isn't okay", "maybe this is just his way of showing that he loved me". which of course, is all bullshit because he was the adult in the situation and he should know better than to act the way he did towards a child. still, I didn't tell anyone what happened. i figured it was just normal and i was overreacting. the next week though, my younger cousin, who I believe was 3 at the time, told her mom that our uncle had molested her. everyone in the family was immediately notified, and so my mom asked me if he did the same to me and I told her he had. I always get so mad at myself for never telling anyone while it was happening. my little cousin didn't deserve anything that happened to her, and I told myself that i could of stopped it, that everything was my fault. following these events, police officers came to my house to talk to me, where i had to tell them every detail. my poor 9 year old self was way to distraught to remember everything, however, and so i told them he had only touched me a couple times, when in reality it was many more. after all this, there was an investigation on my "uncle", where they found multiple accounts of him SAing minors and owning child pornography. he was sentenced to 2 years in prison. maybe that's a fair sentence, but I was still haunted by the fact that in 2 years time, he could just do the same thing all over again, plus he knew where I lived and everything, I felt so unsafe. something that isn't talked about enough is how terrifying it is being in the same place where you were molested. for me, he did all of this in my house. sometimes on the couch, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the attic on the bed he slept in. every time i walked into these rooms i was just terrified that all of a sudden he would be there again and everything would happen all over again. anyways, after all this, my mom took me to this sort of therapy-ish facility for kids who have gone through trauma. i would sit in a room with a counselor, who told me there were people watching me through the camera (which scared me, i mean after all of this, being told that a bunch of adults are watching me on camera? awful, but i know it was for a good reason), and then, yet again, having to relive every detail of what happened. even then, i was still telling "white lies", making it seem like the situation wasn't that bad. i went to this place two times i believe, and at the end, they gave me a "souvenir" blanket, which i stuffed away so i wouldn't have to be reminded of all this stuff again. I know people were trying to help me, but honestly, i just wanted to forget everything that happened. i still felt like i did something wrong, that i was at fault. i still had a bunch of gifts from my "uncle", and i simply stuffed them all under my dresser, and hoped i'd never see them again. to this day, i still have flashbacks and nightmares about this situation, and sometimes i still do blame myself. it's a horrible thing to go through, and i know others have gone through so much worse and i'm so sorry for them. no one deserves any of this, it's terrible that so many people have to deal with this shit.

This is hard when the perpetrator was a doctor who's name and face you don't remember bc you were so young. Or when they were your parents who are now dead. There is like, literally nothing I can do to get justice or even let people know how badly my life has been ruined because of it. I just have to live with the symptoms of trauma. When I did tell, no one has believed me, and it's not "legitimate" compared to others assaults because it was abc instead of XYZ harming my private areas. Or my dad wasn't ACTUALLY touching me, he was just watching me privately through my computer in my room. I'm supposed to just... "Forgive" that invasion of privacy while being SHAMED for what they set up uncensored in my room as a child to get addicted to.

my heart was pounding watching this video, but after some time this gave me some clarity and calmness

Completely right that getting help is Hampton. I remember I was actually assaulted in my 1st semester of University and I reached out to everybody that I could possibly think of at the time period I didn't have a lot of family but I reached out to my Foster family wait I reached out to a biological aunt I reached out to my therapist I reached out to the University itself and I couldn't get any help or support and the University specifically told me don't bother reporting it. They're just gonna say it's your fault and I can tell you're stronger than all the other girls that have come through here so you can just live with it just move on it's not worth it. And honestly I feel mostly okay but I still feel like there are some physical mental issues from it that impact my marriage that I just feel broken like there is nothing i can do.

This is so important to be educated on. When I went through this as a child for the first time it was 2000 and since then society has come so far in discussing and educating on this topic. We also have so far to go. Thanks for being a part of that!

Thank you, so much. I could never thank you enough for all your work and this video. I'm in a similarly working country and have first talked about that abuse to another adult (other than my parents, my father being the culprit) just 3 months ago. I've been living with him and my mother even a decade after he first abused me, and the legal system has been responding - i've had a police interview less than a month ago - but we have no idea what's happening, when we're gonna do to court, if he's gonna be imprisonned and when (he has severe physical illnesses and some mental illnesses), what kind of financial help we'll have to maintain the house, if i'll still live with my mother, etc... It helps understand how this trauma affects you. Very well explained, and casually enough to bear it. Get some help everyone, and i insist everyone. If you ever think you might need some, even what you consider minor, do so. I've seen people on the verge of death or suicide think they're okay, or act like it. Even if it's less serious than that, it's better. A therapy session or talking to friends might be the first step to getting better. Take care.

i think the reason why a lot of people have their first reaction to be neutral or indifferent is bc sometimes you're just in disbelief that it happened, and your brain will try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened

I think resilience is a not so great term. In the end all reactions are the body/mind's attempt to survive and people who have no reaction aren't better or even coping better than others. It took me over 10 years to even understand I'd been SA'd because it was with a girl the same age as me, and it wasn't something that left physical damage. It took me 10 years before the flashbacks started, although I had nightmares about her for years.

man thanks a lot for doing this ! I badly need it and is now taking notes just because how impactful your breakdown and now how it just makes sense . thank you , greatly

Thank you for discussing this topic. There's a wide range of responses a person can have when SA happens to them, and I think that's vital to understanding, despite being talked about very little.

Thank you for providing an expert perspective on a very important topic that people don't like talking about. Just knowing that I can send people a link if they want more info is incredible. You have just made the world a little better Dr. K.

I've never felt so comforted by your explanation. I've stayed so far away from ERs unless absolutely necessary. This has brought me so much comfort. Thank you ❤️

really needed a video like this, thank you so much

I’ve binged like 10 of your videos in the last two days. I wish I was a semi famous streamer or RU-vidr so I could talk to you. I love the content. Very emotional to watch the interviews. Especially the social anxiety and unlovable stuff. Keep it up.

THANK YOU A MILLI DR.K!! This is honestly the most helpful lecture on SA I've ever watched! i unfortunately had friends in college who experienced SA but I never knew the best way to comfort them or provide any substantial guidance after the incident. Just the typical responses "im sorry ___. " "thats horrible" "its not your fault" and just give them a long hug and let them vent. I will definitely rewatch to take notes and share this video with others too :)

Really an amazing lecture. Hope schools can start to equip kids with this info, highlighting the manner in which the patient is in control of the process. I’ve heard time and time again that not pressing charges gets in the way of seeking care.

You communicated very delicately and clearly on this. I feel emotional thinking of all the people out there who engage this video and the lifeline this will be if they ever find themselves in a situation. I would’ve made different choices if I’d known this information. It’s so difficult when you’re just a kid, don’t have a cell phone (it was ‘06), couldn’t drive, away from home on a family vacation with a friend of mine’s family in a different state. I didn’t know my options, and like you said, I just had this picture in my head of having to testify in court. Videos like this make a massive difference. If I had known these things I could’ve navigated those hurdles and circumstantial limitations and I would’ve felt a lot more confident to just call the police somehow. Very touched by your efforts here, and how many people this will help to be sure. Thank you!

Super important topic. Thanks for covering it. Looking forward to watching this video and sharing with my clients.

My partner was assaulted throughout their childhood by family. They called local police almost a decade afterward and was told to let it go bc the assailant could counter sue for defamation if evidence was insufficient

Awesome video, thank you for covering this topic. Your approach (in general, not just in this video) is a good combination of being realistic and to the point, while also being soft enough that you create a safe space. I greatly enjoy and benefit from your content. To elaborate on the point you covered regarding partners being supportive- knowing someone still loves, accepts, supports, and is attracted to you, after a sexual assault- it's a huge sense of security, stability, commitment; a 'constant' in an otherwise chaotic time for your body/mind. It's very important to the self-esteem and reassures the victim/survivor greatly. It's a huge help to them, and also a huge bond-builder in a relationship. I know what you meant by saying people can come out the other side 'better,' because going through a trauma like that and then experiencing that intense and unconditional support can really build your confidence and trust in yourself and in your relationship. It doesn't mean it's good that the trauma happened - of course not - simply that the (obviously bad) situation created the opportunity for the couple to work through the trauma together, or for the partner to show this level of support they otherwise wouldn't have needed to. As a result, the level of unconditional love helped put the pieces back together and had positive long-term effects. That's how I see the point you were covering. Myself, I experienced SA when I was 7 and didn't tell a soul until I was 11. My then stepmom reported it and forced me to go through the process of court. I didn't want to. Mind you, I was a child so I'm aware it was up to my parents. However, not being included in the decision, given any options, and then being forced to recount it all and try to remember small details about it, did more long-term emotional damage to me than the assault itself. My takeaway from that is to say that if you have a child going through it, make sure you let them know what to expect in each interaction as best you can. Mentally prepare them, and then comfort them afterwards. Related- know your friend, child, spouse, parent, etc., well enough, "read the room," you could say.. to know how to best support them. Is it better to ask them what they want to do? Or do you know them so well that putting a certain movie on will cheer them up? Will a certain food cheer them up? Will just sitting in silence make them feel supported? As said in the video- everyone is different. When something like this happens, and you want/choose to be a support, 1. It's not about you, it's about them. If you want to support them, do what will help THEM, not you. 2. That being said, being a support in this kind of situation is emotionally draining, to say the least, so it's also important to take care of yourself. Sometimes, the situation can be harder on the support person because they care about the victim and wish there was more to do to help. They can end up feeling helpless, useless, powerless, guilty, uncertain how to act or speak, empathetic to a point that the pain is too great, etc. It's important for the support person/people to find their own support as well, separate from the victim. Asking the victim to now stop venting to comfort you isn't usually an appropriate option. That's my 2 cents on the matter. Edited to add: I'm not a psychiatrist, but I thought of another coping mechanism that can form after SA. It's where the victim's mind tries to protect itself from suffering by fetishizing the assault; a couple examples could be that the assaulter had long hair and now the victim is attracted to people with long hair, or that the assaulter was violent and caused pain, and now the victim seeks out pain-related sexual activity. I don't know if it's common, but I've met people who have experienced this. It seems to cause a lot of confusion and sometimes even guilt/shame for the victim. I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone for experiencing this; it's just the mind trying to prevent suffering and triggers.

these what to do if kind of videos are really helpful and informative. please, continue making them. also, a video about EMDR would be really interesting, personally, my practicioner did a really good job with it and the first time i tried i just cried uncontrollably, then peace and acceptance. for me, and i cannot thank him enough, it was the right tool.

I haven't finished the video just yet but I wanted to say, I don't know if you saw my comment specifically for this topic to be done but, thank you. From the ages of 10-17 I was assaulted, molested and harassed by multiple boys and men. Its been a decade since the first instance of abuse, and I actually feel like the past few years have been incredibly healing (no doubt due to my amazing bf and the fact that I dont have to go to high school with awful boys and men anymore) Of course, the more advice and information the better. I love your channel, thank you so much for doing what you do

I'm still not sure how to categorise what's happened to me. I've been in a relationship for ten years roughly and my partner never physically forced me into any sexual act, but each time I refused, they started argument after argument and were in bad moods and just generally an ashole to me until I caved in and agreed to have sex. Sometimes they even grabbed my private parts and when I complained, said some stuff like: "Oh, at least let me have that if nothing else". This went on for years and my libido declined dramatically over the time, which lead to them getting more and more nasty... never in a physical brutal way, just... psychological terror. I broke up with them some years ago and after a long phase of being absolutely disgusted by anything related to sex I'm again able to actually enjoy it. However, I still can't get an O. through intercourse, only when I'm on my own. I haven't been in a relationship since and I'm not sure I ever will be again. Everything about the thought makes me want to run away immediately. When I grew up there was no internet for me and I had no friends and my family never ever talked about those topics. So I had basically zero knowledge about sex and relationships and only later learned a lot about what consent actually is. (on top of that I'm also autistic and have a hard time judging human behaviour in terms of what's normal and what not). I still don't know what to make of the situation. I obviously don't have any evidence and, knowing my ex, they would just deny everything should I ever tell any authority. I'm not even sure it counts as assault, because my ex was never physically harming me... idk

This is so important, thanks for covering this. So many comments of people affected, survivors. We have far too less knowledge about this.

Thank you dr. K! I really appreciate you sharing this important & useful information with those who may be in need. I wish there were more health professionals like you.

Thank you so much for talking about this. I have no experience with SA, but I think it is very important to know about it

My experience wasn't even *that* bad but it still impacted me greatly. I wasn't raped, but I was grabbed, pinned, and groped by a guy who I didn't know when I was 12. my mom's reaction was just to tell me that it was the "female experience". she then told me in detail about how she was raped when she was 14. and since then I have been terrified of men, even though I know it's irrational. I can't even be alone in a room with a friend if he's male. and I feel really bad about it. but I've been healing. my partner is a trans woman and she makes me feel so comfortable and safe.

I’m in a criminal justice course on crisis intervention and advocacy this semester. This is so helpful and a vital discussion. Thank you for this!!!

I felt a lot of anger after being assaulted. It's kind of comforting to know that most people who have gone through this have also felt that. Thank you for making this video 💙

I love watching this content because it most likely will never apply to me, but just knowing this stuff is so empowering for people that might experience this around me, so i can educate them myself. great stuff as always.

This was a great video, thank you for making it! I was assaulted 5 years ago, and I'm good now but I really wasn't then. I know I would've had a really strong legal case too, but I was terrified of what that process would entail. There was already a girl at my school who'd made allegations about someone else & I'll just say she wasn't exactly welcomed. I was struggling to deal with daily life at the time, and I wasn't equipped at all to handle such a big scary question mark. Information like this needs to be readily available like this! Something to add about the dissociation - I don't know how common this is, but I dissociated so much during & after that I didn't even realize I'd been assaulted until about a month later. I had recollection of the event and I knew it made me uncomfortable, but my mind was so foggy and nothing felt real. I was even still dating him up until that point. The day I *remembered* I told him no was like 100 times more emotional than the day it actually happened. So if anyone else out there experienced a similar thing, I'm sorry you're going through that, and you're not broken if this is happening

the thing you said about india recently recognizing marital rape in law, it's not about people not believing you but just that in countries where marital rape is legal marriage is seen as the man owning the woman and being allowed to rape her, if in these places you tell people your husband is forcing you into sex people will believe you cause it's very common there but usually they will shrug it off, say it's not a big deal, that's just the way things are and what you signed up for. and usually they don't consider it rape cause even though it's the same concept they only view it as rape when it's committed by someone you're not married to, and is generally seen as a violation of the man who 'owns' the victim (her father or husband) rather than the victim herself, for dishonoring the family and also making her 'worthless' for marriage as she's not a virgin anymore, sometimes even resulting in the honor killing of the raped victim by her own family. it's all very ingrained in most religions and many cultures. for example the bible says rapists must marry their victims, as 'punishment' and because she is 'worthless' to any other man now but really it's just further punishment for the victim and ensures she will be raped for the rest of her life, and the qu'ran (or one of their other holy books can't remember) also has a verse about how a woman who refuses sex with her husband will be cursed in the morning, and a lot of stuff about child marriage being okay + many other religious examples but you get the idea. it's awesome they finally repealed it in india, i hope it will also be enforced and that all victims of marital rape will be able to get justice, and that all other places where marital rape is still legal will follow suit soon.

thank you so much for this video doctor k. i’m currently in therapy for this reason and i’ve been truly appalled at the lack of reliable resources online. well done on not shying away from this topic, i am so grateful for a video like this from you, it has been greatly impactful. and i hope to see similar themes in your future videos. (also if anyone does happen to have some reliable resources leave a comment, i’d be very grateful for a chance to take a look at them)

im writing a novel at the moment and this is exactly what I've been looking for. I've been tuning in to watch your videos on and off for a little while now, and i just wanna say that what you put up is amazing

Thank you so much for covering such a difficult topic that me and some of my mutuals have had experience with. This is the most comprehensive and grounded discussion that I've seen and I send this video to anybody who is dealing with these issues. It has helped me to quickly connect my experience with my family, friends, and therapist. ❤❤❤

Thank you so much. After 10 yrs after my SA it finally hit me what had happened. I had too much going on for so long I don't think my brain could handle it.

Thats a very helpful video, I have not seen anyone actually talk about that. I'm very grateful for the work you do! Personally, I have experienced sexual assault some years ago as a teen and I could not sleep the entire day, walking like my brain was switched off, just conscious enough to get through the day as usual. For 6 months I was stressed out about it till I reported it to a sort of "trust teacher" in my school. Unfortunately as a minor it was tough, all I said was given to the principal, from there police had to get involved as well as my parents (which was horrible, I was scared to tell them anything after it happened) After another 6 months the court has been involved and I have been interviewed and observed by psychologists. It seems like I still was affected by it after this one year but since I mixed up some of my memories they said I was lying and till this day I have no idea what exactly went on with the case. To me, this was like all my fears have come true, I had no control over the situation nor any safe space or person to talk with about that. The rules for minors in such cases, at least in some of Europe, seem to be much different that when you're an adult. I wish someone told me what would happen after I trusted that teacher..

Thank you so much for covering this, as a sa survivor myself I really appreciate this kind of detailed insight into this topic, it helped me a lot

Thanks for all of the information! Truly very helpful and appreciated. One of the best things i learned in conjunction with this is that relationships aren’t for other people to decide for you. So especially with the conclusion, it’s nice to know that no one gets to decide what a healthy relationship is FOR YOU. But that you and your partner get to decide what is good for the relationship. Whether that be a symmetrical or asymmetrical relationship. If that analogy makes any sense

clicking on this video i expected it to be hard to hear and upsetting but youve framed this in a way that makes me feel glad about the resources that are out there

Considering how many victims of all ages and genders are brushed aside or even shamed when they try to report SA, I don't blame anyone who is afraid to do so. I think it's important that this information and advice comes with the sad but honest truth that many of the mechanism for reporting fail the victim, and it's so so so important that we do not create a sense that victim's are at fault if they are afraid to report. Sadly I think sometimes people have a tendency to blame victims for not reporting or reporting too late or whatever, when really it should be up to the victim how they want to proceed and we should support their needs and help them instead of judging them and picking them apart.

Thank you for being so respectful in dealing with this topic.

As one who has been in that situation, you speak truth my friend. Mine ended with the gift of a sweet, kind, beautiful wee boy. Rory is autistic as am I, but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. He will never know that though . I still have nightmares but I blame on my epilepsy so he doesn’t worry. I am open about what happened to me. Men and women need to know that they aren’t alone. It is a problem in our society. Remember, it’s not your fault; the people who do this have no respect for others and I believe lacking in Empathy: Thanks for posting this. It shows your kindness. That’s great to see. Humanity needs more empathy: we’ll never be able to solve anything without it.

Other psychiatrist and therapist here. I firmly believe that the reaction to the assault doesn't only depend on the persons genetic make up and therefore some kind of inherent resilience. But the reaction is heavily informed by the environment those people have grown up in or actually reside. As Gábor Máthé says "Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. Trauma is that scarring that makes you less flexible, more rigid, less feeling and more defended." And it can be greatly reduced by a loving, supporting net of friends and family that will not leave you alone in your time of need.

Oh boy, this is gonna be a really big video for everyone to watch with what happened on twitch recently... as a man I wish I could talk to the 10,000s of young boys, and 100,000s of boys just viewing things on the internet not fully understanding or grasping the severity of the situation that actually want to defend a certain favorite twitch streamer because of the tragedy that occurred possibly affecting reputation, just to make them understand how awful it is being in the shoes of the girls it happens to, how its a lot more important than keeping fame or an empire or whatever, this is a much bigger thing than just one individual & the message we send to society in how we handle it... all the future generations of young men/women ... even though this is a universal thing and they can also be assaulted by grown men or even sexually assaulted by grown women there's another added level of invasion, destroying something that is supposed to be the most intimate act by force when its in a sexual nature, your very being is being disrespected & violated in the worst way. Its traumatizing to even think about knowing real women that personally opened up to me about it in the past at college, to actually go through it... is a tragedy.

What an important video! Thank you for putting out this resource Dr. K.

My partner has been a victim of SA. Thank you for this video, I hope I can use this info to help my partner with healing in any way that I can, if she's comfortable.

I absolutely agree that dissociation is a protective mechanism. It's not like I have any degree or anything that would qualify me to say so but I have experienced a lot of dissociation throughout my life. A few weeks ago it was completely gone and I felt all my emotions so strongly I'm comparison to usual that it was very overwhelming. I was constantly shaking, on edge, anxious, would cry very easily, get extremely happy to the point it was exhausting. I seem to have switched back to being more distant from reality again since I can't afford to be so vulnerable and unstable right now but at least I am somewhat prepared for what's to come when I have the time and space to go back to that state.

Thank you so much for making this video, if I knew all this stuff before I would have felt much safer, but knowing this now makes me feel a lot safer for the future.

I've never been in the situation this video is about but I've had bad experiences and bad outcomes (I got an IST from my first time and did not have a good time) but I still take some important advices from this. All this happened just a couple months ago. I'm afraid of having sex again and am extremely insecure about myself. But hearing Dr. K talk about the healing process made me feel a little more hopeful. Thank you.

Definitely feeling like I should've done things differently in the various SA situations I've been in. I wish I dared to physically defend myself or call out for help. But I ended up just going into "I have to endure it" mode... I hope I never EVER have to experience anything like it again, but if it does end up happening again, I hope that I will have the clarity of mind to defend myself and make a huge fuss in order to protect myself. At least now I get to work through all the mental BS that those experiences have brought me, together with my psych, so I can hopefully have actual relationships in the future.

great insight. It inspired me a lot. I respect people and their privacy. But yea could be good to check and ask if those people want further help or if its actually getting a follow up from another professional. We don't want things to prevent people from comming back and doing what they are working on. But its good to mention or know if they are taking care of it and are doing well. And I also realised something dumb but yea. People bottling things up and doing things to make people happy. Or just getting more and more coping mechanism... There is the crime R. Then there is assault which is also a crime, but different nuances. There is also people doing things because they are pressured too or many other reasons and factors. They do not have the same source. But i imagine they could potentially have similar symptoms. People sucking it up and doing things againts their body and belief. That is not good also. And well just sort of happens. But really brings me to questions things again. How much is similar and different things. And yea they won't see the same specialist. But i can imagine different representations of what could come out. (i wrote this at the 40 minute mark. And yes that 1 winner coop. After several years it can give long lasting bad impression or change the persons relationship to the topic. Losers side mostly. And trying to hard and taking unecessary risk and all Don't always help. Thats why they are called risks. There can be consequences. ) Some get killed after the crime, some goes on and torture themself and sometimes kill themselves. Some adapt. Well probably no one should have the need to adapt to it. If its avoidable it be better. But its a curious thing. A lot to think about. A great quote i heard recently unrelated to the topic but great here. Guilt beggets powerlessness. Many feel anxious or guilt or anger or whatever. But long term its settling it and not feed the feeling of loss of control. Do not let guilt prevent you from gaining value as a person. Nor should you let it lower your own values. Its not easy to do. Still its important

This was really great, thank you for this. I used to be super confident during intimacy. After getting assaulted I became hyper sexual but once I got out of that relationship and got into a healthy one, all my confidence vanished. I’m really hoping that with time and some self love I get it back.

learning this in the academy right now literally everything I'm dealing with in life always has a Dr. K video pop up

I’m a 27 year old woman - my mother engaged in several behaviours that are included under child sexual assault. This had terrible consequences in my young adulthood. I was assaulted 2 by strangers, once via drink spiking at a night club. I nearly married a terrible man. I thought it was my fault. I have been followed and harassed by men a lot generally in life as recently as last year I was followed into a toilet. My mother has NPD I’m sure, it was certainly about exerting control as it likely was for the men who assaulted me. Having been estranged for nearly 3 years now, I feel almost healed. I also now have a profound understanding of how childhood victims are often re victimised. I have found my voice now though, I know my value.

thank you a lot for this video. it may be difficult but, could a video be done about self-harm? How to cope, how to live with it? Thank you for all your hard work ❤

the police literally just harassed me, you have to be ready for that possibility

Why don’t they have information like this in schools so that everybody can learn how to handle situations like this? I’d never heard of things such as anonymous testing, and I’d imagine that many other victims haven’t either. The whole experience is terrifying, not to mention the entire question of “where do I go from here?” A lack of information and knowledge about resources only makes the situation more difficult. As a graduating valedictorian this year, I can confirm that more real-world classes would be more so much useful than taking classes like trigonometry.

I decided to watch your videos again and this one in particular caught my eye since I've been wanting to educate myself about this issue and understand on how serious is this sort of thing, and what are the things I should be informed about, my best friend and person who i admire was sexually assaulted 4 years ago and she opened up to me and I didn't understand nor comprehend. I came here simply because I want to be informed and understand this better.

Thanks for this. I think this will help a lot of people with stigma and common misconceptions. "I should be over this, it's been years!".... Yehhhhh no. Especially if it happened as a kid. There is a lot of internalized shame and working through it helps.

When I opened up to my friends about a member of the friend group who SA’d me in freshman year of HS, they accused me of lying for attention, ousted me from the friend group, and spread rumors about me to other people that the reason I was all by myself was because I was uppity and full of myself. Prevented me from finding a new friend group, especially combined with new avoidant behaviors I developed after the incident. I’m 21 now and still trying to teach myself how to trust again, and trying to unlearn avoidant behavior, but I can’t afford therapy and have been trying to work on it independently. This experience has never left me, and some of the effects it had on me are still only dawning on me years later after a lot of processing time. SA can be so isolating and traumatizing, and in my experience victim blaming was even more traumatic than the incident itself.

When I was 14, I was SAed by my first boyfriend. But it was non-penetr@ting SA, so all these years I gaslighted myself for years. I didn’t even remember most of that day. “After all, nothing happened.” Now I’m 24, never had a second relation, and now I can see it was SA. But otherwise I have been pretty normal! Listening to other people have similar experiences has given me so much comfort. So much self-acceptance. I didn’t even know how much I was hurting. Thank you for this video.

I'm increasingly impressed with this channel, thanks for adding some credible information to all the stuff on the internet

Oh I wish my therapist reacted this way, you're so kind and understanding. My therapist 'graduated' me from service after I got the restraining order. I was RAPED by my baby's biodad in 2021 and feel like the term SA it's strong enough for what that bastard did to me. You're right about being mad - at first I was very ashamed (how could this happen) and then it turned into pure hatred and disgust! Is there a place we're we can post names and pictures of the abusers?!?! - is it illegal to share a name?! Or social media handle?? I don't want anyone else to become his victim!! He's a wanna be social media influencer, spiritual enlightenment, nft's lol, disabled veteran, deadbeat dad (but claims to be superdad) and a notary in *Phoenix/Goodyear, AZ* I did not go to the police (they didn't have my back during a DV incident 😔) but I did get a restraining order! (1yr later 🤦‍♀️its almost expired 😬)