What is DARVO in Narcissism ? | Dr. David Hawkins 

Apologies mean nothing without changed behavior of lying, stonewalling, deflecting or gaslighting

Explaining this to a Narcissist will be like talking to a brink wall Or down the rabbit hole.

As the scapegoat in my toxic family this is how it plays out with me all the time. I think that the last part in the acronym is Reverse Victim and Offender .. meaning that they will act like they are the victim and you are the offender.

This describes my husband 💯%! DARVOING & Crazymaking! 😔 I thank God He is delivering me from this marriage! 🙏🏼✝️🙌🏼

I always thought the first D in DARVO stood for DENY not DEFEND.

I spent years trying to get my wife to stop this and grow with me. No luck. Now I have huge self esteem issues and beyond. Please be careful out there. Trust your gut. Love yourself.

Zero empathy is the hallmark of this disorder. They lack genuine empathy but can feign it

Dr. Hawkins - you describe my husband perfectly. We could never resolve conflict. Our couples counselor refused to work with us because he told my husband “he wasn’t listening and he was attacking me”. When I told him what he did that I thought was inappropriate, he flew into a frightening rage, stormed out of the house, never to return. I prayed and begged God for months to reconcile our marriage. Now I am beginning to understand that God may have been removing me from a verbally, emotionally abusive marriage. My question: how to heal my broken, devastated 💔.

This is the best explanation, what people not in this situation may not understand is how frequent these things happen. The slightest suggestion can cause my husband to rage. Or at times I can’t even get my concern out before he’s blaming me, cussing and swearing , slamming doors. Literally I will not get my first sentence out before he starts to say I’m overreacting and go into full blown attack. Then I have noticed he will just say sorry but wants me to just act like it never happened. As soon as sorry is said he expects me to be happy . I’m left still traumatized from what has occurred. Yes I play a part by not leaving, I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I’ve let him create this massive confusion . Many times I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I don’t know that it’s possible for me to be fixed anymore. I’m not perfect I lash out

OMG… crying 😭 The eyes have tears when the soul hears truth. Having made an effort to meet his needs inside our relationship (we broke up a year ago and have been attempting to put our family back together for 6 months), I was reluctant to over give and mother him. Having new boundaries and keeping them is the APEX of the emotional abuse. He’s minimised my MAMMOUT efforts of running our business with him, homeschooling 4 children and being on my own a lot as he worked away. He got cancer and I get REAMED for not looking after him enough. (I dedicated my life to his pain). Friday just gone, I worked on my business for 3 hours in the morning, and then did a few hours of cleaning and cooking and preparing the home to be nice and warm and chill to show my appreciation for his efforts. By the time he got home, the kids were fed and watching a movie and I was ready to spend a nice evening together. I left some dishes in a sink to soak as they had been sitting for a few days. He needed to use the sink and KICKED OFF that he couldn’t as there were dishes soaking in there. He says “you do this all the time, what don’t you get about why I’m so upset”. I walked away and he went on the attack, crazy making and blaming ME for his inability to approach an inconvenience in a more respectful and non damaging way. “You always do this” we’re his exact words. I felt like all of my efforts were NOTHING because of this one thing I didn’t attend to. I told him how it’s made me feel, and is the third thing that he has done in 6 weeks to minimise my unpaid work in the home. He went to DEFEND, then he attacked me and said I always do this and it’s not his fault he got angry, I stood my ground, said how his actions and words have made me feel and he sort of apologised. BUT, Because I didn’t come running back to him and continued sleeping in the spare room, he got up on Monday morning and spiralled into wanting to throw himself off a scissor lift onto the concrete. Txt me and told me it’s the first time in his 18 year career where the concrete looked inviting. His reverse victim has gone SO LARGE, that he has now announced he’s going away for 2 days and called his Dr for mental health pills. HES FRAGILE and has completely turned it around on me for not accepting the aggressive attack on a sink of dishes. I’m the one who doesn’t appreciate him, all he does is work his ass off for this family and I don’t appreciate him or that he has worked himself to the bone to provide for me and the kids and his 2 step children. Guilting and shaming me for him providing for 2 kids that aren’t his and how I should be thankful. I’m in so much physical and emotional pain right now. I’m in over my head financially, my career has not yet launched as I’ve been the at home mum and administrator of the Roofing businesses we have had for the past 6.5 years. 6 weeks ago, when arguing about making time to be at home here and there in a weekend so I can go and do some work, he arched up and said “I EARN MORE AT THE MOMENT, it’s not worth me staying at home while you go and earn sweet fuck all”. He explained after this had called down (usually 48 hours of coldness between us) that he does earn more at the moment and is trying to earn as much as possible to get us out of the financial shit. I understood this and backed off with my request to work weekends as I don’t earn as much as he does. (I actually could if I got any traction on my career). How am I suppose to get my business going if I can never step into it…! He said during that fight that he created a little admin role for me in our previous businesses, that I didn’t do the lions share of the work!! OMG…. No I didn’t go to site and do the hard physical labour, but I’ve held the whole business up while he drank and behaved badly and went from contract to contract because other people found him impossible to communicate with also. A little admin job. I can’t even describe to you how far from the truth that is and how absolutely MINIMISED I feel. I’ve dealt with blackmail and death true wars from disgruntled staff members, employment court because he failed to act inside the employment law even tho I was point out his obligations, I’ve endured ENORMOUS pressure and made the ultimate sacrifice of being the constant for the children. I have PTSD, I have brushed with chronic fatigue twice and I’m absolutely at Rick bottom again. Facing the very real probability of having to pack up 5 acres of crap on my own and move to the nearest town, all the while no money and no career, while he gets to carry on with earning good money. There abso NO awareness from him on this matter, or any to be fair. So he kicks off on Friday and now he’s on meds and taking some time out because HES THE VICTIM, while I remain here waiting to see if he will even come back. Well, if he doesn’t and I’m plunged into financial disaster, I actually don’t even care anymore at this point. I may even chuck all my shit into storage and go on holiday to my parents for 3 months while I get my shit together. Hmmm, except I have 2 dogs and 6 cats.. none of which I’m willing to part with. I need a clear solution to this NIGHTMARE my life has become. I need PEACE

Describes most off my family as iam the blacksheep!! It's all starting 🙌 to make sense now Thank you 😊

I'm so exhausted I don't know how I'm going to brake free from this

This is happening to me. It’s so bad, he’s been violent to me but told me if I go to police he will say it’s me. So afraid.

Oh my god. This is what I’ve been going through. This is awful. I’ve been blaming myself for everything. I’ve been DARVO’d and gaslit the hell out of.

It’s extremely difficult to be perfect all the time and they try to get the reactions from you. They keep impeccable records in their minds of everything you’ve ever said or done but forget all they’ve done. This makes the DARVO extremely lethal. Make sure you don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). It’s impossible to reason with them and they will just use whatever ammo you give them to shoot you in the foot. Essentially, when you react, you are shooting yourself in the foot. I would also advise not pointing out what they do wrong because they will use this in the victim reversal phase of DARVO. Just distance as much as possible and say as little as possible.

My daughter has experienced this for 10 years now and in family court

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim / Offender

I left my X for 5 months and he started divorce proceedings two months later

It happens in any religious organizations. Some active members unknowingly apply Darvo!

Your moniker, “We can talk about this at any time, but not in any way,” would have been the perfect thing to say during a full-on rage attack my narc mother launched on me the other day. Instead, I just froze because of the aggressive energy coming at me. But, then, it escalated into a full-blown shouting match. Recognizing in my mind’s eye what was happening would have definitely given me that powerful step back to break that momentum. Thank you for this invaluable information! Btw, did you mean: “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender?”

This describes my entire family, the one I grew up in and some of my in-laws. I stay away from those who cannot communicate openly, they are always trouble.

Thank you

Thank you this is exactly what happens. Yes it does make me feel crazy....or insane as we circle back around again and again with no resloution.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Always though it was : Deny Attack Reverse Victim & Offender . Your way works too though. Tomato tomahto. Haha thank you for the teaching it is helpful!

My dad said he never said that when I showed him a text he sent me. Then he said I was misreading it

Every day. I am SO tired. Hope to hear back on my voicemail message soon.

You are exactly describing my husband.Can’t believe why I got caught in this mess. By Amelia

It's a lot faster to say deny deflect and redirect

What about calling out DARVO in writing?

I don't understand everyone else teaches that d stands deny. I guess it fits okay but does it serve some purpose? It was obvious during my life with this person that I was the one defending myself.

Wait wait wait, so it’s not normal for another to keep tabs on you? For example, seemingly having a calendar or timer in their mind and are able to quickly give you a number on yourself

This is exactly what my soon yo he ex husband does. Along w rage, name calling, blame shifting. Crazy making. He's twisted the narrative w " his friends"....nuts ...

There was never a time out for me she would follow me and Chase me like a damn bloodhound. Until of course she would just decide to disappear into the fabric of the neighborhood.

Coverts are worse

Why would someone pull a DARVO over something low stakes? Is it something that can be compulsive?

Sir Tom Jones?

Are a scape goat child more likely to become a Narcissist? . Anybody know the answer, please!

She (screaming): "What are we going to do? The world is in a death spiral! I can't take it anymore!" Me: "Everything's going to be all right. Why don't you get some help with your panic and anxiety issues? You don't have to go through life this way." She (still screaming): "Issues!?!? I don't have issues. You're the one who has issues. You're just projecting. I majored in psychology. You're just selfish and you're crazy!"

This is also gaslighting and word salad