Parents WANT to keep their kids dependent on them. That way they can never leave them. Parents use their children to give them the love they didn't get in their own childhoods.
Being sabotaged by closest ones is a very painful experience. People are made to operate in communities and the immediate family is something that you cannot just trade for a better one, to have a personal and safe circle. Thank you for the video.
I was afraid of success because my father abused me over it, he wanted me fully dependent on him. I’m now both afraid of failure and success. I want to succeed but I’m afraid failure is inevitable and something bad will happen. I feel paralyzed by this l catastrophic lose lose thinking. I am trying to overcome both these fears.
Overcome that by doing what you brings you satisfaction contentment and joy. Failure and success is never permanent. Whether you succeed or fail in your goal or not doesn’t define you as a person
I had similar treatment growing up punishment for failure then when I got older and bought land before my parents and family (success in their eyes) more physical/verbal abuse and outright criminal behaviour to try and cripple My new found independence. 2 years no contact and it feels like everyday day is better and more free and enjoyable and authentic have I become.
When you give someone else too much respect for their wisdom, you abandon your own inner-guru; you were never rejected, you repelled dishonesty, so celebrate 🧨🎉
Success is like happiness. Everyone wants it. But like happiness, success is a by-product. Happiness is a by-product of living virtuously. Success is a by-product of beneficial habits over many years. Why did nobody tell me this when I was growing up? I'll never know.
Youare A GREAT SUCCESS Daniel, not only for all your followers. I have never found in my life someone so brave, so honrst and so strong to speak out loud voice their own sorrowful feelings and analysis of the situations in their life. I really hope you cam inderstand and feel how much appreciated and loved you are.. With these internet things the fear is always that feelings sent cant be aperceived by the recipient.. We are all with you Wise Soul, 🙏💕🙏✨✨✨🤗💕🤗💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕
Thank you, sincerely. I have always felt so alien amongst others my entire life. Creating a facade to blend in has left me feeling empty and cold. Hearing you speak and be so brave really moved me and inspired me to not be so afraid. So thank you!
Definitely can be caused by a loved ones sabotaging and downplaying your successes and strengths. Why would you want to succeed when you get shunned to outright punished for sharing your success??!! Ha is like Pavlovian training
This hit the nail on the head, my dad hates to see me succeed. I didn't ever connect the two and why I'm always holding myself back. Both my parents feel threatened at me for wanting to go to college because they didn't, they hate people who have gone and constantly bash people and the degrees they got. Their fragile ego is threatened by me doing good and being myself. Thank you for the enlightenment!
Fear of success is fear of making a mistake. Success is subjective. Success is in the eye of the beholder. It means different things to different people. If you’re talking about success as “approval from others” then that is not success. It’s just needing approval. If you’re talking about wanting family support, it shouldn’t be based upon anything conditional. That’s not support. It’s more like an ultimatum. People who base things on conditional approval are in themselves, very insecure and inwardly needing approval themselves. Success is when you can give up needing approval from anyone else in your life….when you don’t need anyone to tell you you reached their expectations. When you can accept that… and really believe it inside. When you feel fulfilled and satisfied inside your own space & existence, only then are you successful. Fear of success is really a misnomer.
At the end of the day, you need to learn and continued to practice self-love. Through self-love you learned what is good for you and what is not, you learned to say no. learned to unlearn the negative system that was rooted in your past experience through self-love. If you don't know how to love yourself, you wouldn't know how to accept and know the true value of love and being loved.
I just wanted the approval of my big brothers, who were twins, they wanted to play w eachother without me. Had difficulty making friends at school, having entire years with no friends at all. One of my brothers bullied me occasionally. He was sometimes jealous of my accomplishments, or I think, of the attention I got from mom. All the while my dad didn't step up to his parental responsiblity being in a psychotic haze from his childhood trauma, occasionally belittling me aswell. My mom was great though.
Emotionally I feel like I have cement weights on my brain because I need to be what my mom needs. I didn’t realize how all consuming that has been. I just turned 41 and figured it out.
I respect and admire your bravery in speaking about these things. It resonates with me. I myself continue to struggle majorly with being honest with myself..and others too, about how I feel. Thank you Daniel.
Hey, I have an idea for a video topic. I'd really love to know your thoughts on this - Child prodigies - Have you ever known someone who felt like they could've been a famous prodigy at some specific thing or had a career in one of those fields where you can really only do it professionally if you start as a kid, but their parents screwed them over by not getting them into it? The classic examples would be things like being an Olympic gymnast, or figure skater, a ballerina or a classical concert pianist, things like that, you can ONLY do professionally and make money at, if you start training before age 12. There's so much talk about so called "Tiger Parenting", where parents force their kids to take lessons push them into a career when they don't want it and how much damage that does. But what about the OPPOSITE situation? No one ever talks about that. What if a kid has an extremely rare prodigious talent for a specific skill or career and they want to do it? And especially, what if the kid has some sort of disorder like high functioning autism or something, that will make life extremely difficult and having had that special skill would've helped them tremendously job-wise later in life? Or maybe it would've at least helped them out a lot, socially, when they were in school. And the parents don't get them the music or figure skating lessons or any opportunity to pursue that career on any sort of meaningful level while they're still young enough? Have you ever seen an adult who is angry with their parents for this reason? Do you think there are some parents who are so afraid of being seen as the so-called "Tiger Parent" or "Helicopter Parent" and having their kids think that about them, that they go to far in the opposite direction and make to big of an effort NOT to make their kids take lessons or encourage them to get into a hobby or career, when they actually, really should? Edit: (Just thought of this after I posted) Professional athletes are another good example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. Does anyone ever grow up angry that they never had the opportunity to play on teams in school so they could've had the opportunity to become a professional athlete. What about all those kids I hear about in the poor inner city areas who think they're going to be football or basketball players when they grow up, but they don't realize yet, that they have no chance because they're not getting the experience they need, playing on little league and school teams? What are your thoughts on that, too?
Wow! You're the 1st person I've seen mention this topic, and I've felt this way my entire life. Invite you to read a lil of my story at the website linked in all of my videos here, you'll see I've written about this, I've not dwelled on it in my story, but it's in my mind all the time as an old man now. I had ton's of potential, some of it finally was put to use, but much was lost to time. If Daniel doesn't use this excellent idea you've offered, I will address it for sure. Fantastic topic!
@@Melissa0774 Ah, there are so many things. One was music, I was forced to take guitar lessons very young, but then I wasn't allowed to pursue it after getting good at it. Forced to take tennis lessons, was very good, but that too was dropped (a video of mine called Get Out shows me on a tennis court about a year ago about to play a match). Wanted more than anything to become a pilot, but was given incorrect information by parents that said the only way to do it was to go into the Airforce (wrong). I did after age 40 become a skydiver and made over 500 jumps, before being hit from behind on a HWY at a red light wrecking my neck and back, and of course my car. I goof around on the guitar a lil now, play a lil tennis, even became a canopy pilot there for a bit. So in a round about way, I have pursued these interests, but none at the level I could have. I really did have some skills back in the day. I love the Olympics, was really depressed it got cancelled last year. Even as an old man, many have seen me flip around in the air on wakeboards, snowboards, skateboards, doing things the younger folks around couldn't dream of doing, seriously. I saw an old high school best friend after 15 years a while back. As we caught up, the thing that stuck in his mind was seeing me waterski once as a teenager, I didn't remember the occasion at all, he kept saying it was the most skilled thing he'd ever seen anyone do. He had become a teacher with a master's degree, I'd always thought he was the most skilled in our bunch with archery. OK, my arms tired now from patting myself on the back so much! Sorry this was so long, but you did ask! Now just a banged up old man. Did you have big dreams that you were not able to pursue as well?
lol That's my life written all over... I did get to take piano lessons for 1 year when I was 6 with a pretty abusive teacher who made me cry a lot.. should've just found another teacher instead my mom blamed me for not being serious enough. Later when I wanted to get into it again (early teens) they had no interest in helping me pay for lessons, again saying I'm not serious and it's not a serious profession. So.. fast forward I am now 30 trying to make a go of classical piano since about 2 years ago. It's tough but I worked hard now around grade 10 rcm, but concert level is a whole other level I have no idea what my limits will be. I do have resentment but trying to make peace with it because my parents acted so selfishly and narrow-mindedly when it came to my interests, they didn't want to spend any money on me and was always fighting/making drama making me their emotional punch bag. It was tough JUST to move out and survive let alone get to this point I can focus on piano again.
@@jennygao826 Classical piano - That's exactly the kind of thing I was curious about when I posted my original comment. In my case, my parents didn't have a problem with me taking lessons, they just didn't get me into it until I was way to old, because they just didn't think to do it, or weren't able to, when I was younger. (My parents were good, loving people, btw, so I'm not bad mouthing them.) I did finally start taking lessons from an inexperienced college student at 16, but that's way to old if you ever want to do it as anything other than a hobby. If you want to compare my music reading level to a regular reading level, then I'd say I managed to get myself to about a first grade level. And that's being extremely generous. In high school, I was surrounded by other kids who'd started WAY earlier, so they could play and read music a lot better than me. I wish I could've competed in competitions and played music with other people, but my music reading skills just weren't where they needed to be. I've always been able to play by ear easily. I could figure out how to play almost anything by ear quickly, to the point that people are so amazed whenever I just instantly can play any song that pops into my head without needing to learn it from sheet music or something. They act like it's some superhuman freak thing, or something, but it just seems normal to me. I just bought a violin two years ago at age 33 and I figured out how to play it well to play with other in jam sessions, in only a few weeks. I'd never touched a string instrument before in my life, at that point, and I didn't even really use any online lessons or tutorials, either. I just picked it up and found that I somehow knew how to play it almost immediately. The guys who play guitar with me, say they don't understand how I did it, since they say that fiddle is supposedly hard. It kind of pisses me off because I'm sure that if I had received the proper training and mentoring starting at about age four or five, I could've been a professional pianist or violinist and probably even good enough to be famous and be in something like the New York Philharmonic. But I never had access to musical instruments at that age, and on the rare occasion that I was somewhere with a piano, my parents wouldn't let me touch it. So you could kind of see why it makes me angry when people complain about the whole "Tiger parenting" thing when it comes to people trying to make their kids take music lessons. Some people actually need that in their lives.
One thing I love about your channel is how you get to the simple truth of complex problems. Most people would spend months theorizing about fear of success, giving it so many abstract "gears" and cogs where you just go, well maybe it's because something in you knows it's not the success you need.
My mother locked me in my room at 11 years old to write extra on a poem i had already got good grades on because she liked it, One of the most traumatic things that ever happaned to me made me so afraid to do anything to thr best of my ability as i didnt know what bad things it might bring.
First video I watched of yours! The other videos on this topic looked “professional” and then you appear so authentic in the picture that I took a chance. Seems like I found the best video for me. I subscribed halfway through the video!
Thank you for this vid Daniel. So honest it makes us all braver. I too have learned to be own my older brother, to be a father to my inner child and my own son and even occasionally invent my own inner grandparent (He is a combo of Clint Eastwood and Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting 😂)
The day I took the responsibility to parent myself, is when life started to get better. I've realised that many parents are just biological units of reproduction; very little parenting goes on.
Looking at success in different ways and the consequences that is interesting. It’s helpful hearing those specific life examples. Wanna add more but just gonna send this comment for now here
yes...the first time you see through it, its heartbreaking...once you UNDENIABLY succeed and are happy, its very confusing when ur met wit denial and disapproval from the ones closest, esp. family...but what it did to me is it only strengthened the self belief and confidence
Very good video that hits home for many of us! Most people want to be liked, approved, loved and appreciated. So my personal fear of success was similar in a way that I quickly felt that success equals loneliness. Reaching for authenticity and self love often makes others insecure, so unless you are perfectly happy leading and not caring too much about approval from others, then it’s easy to feel lonely, even in romantic relationships as many of my partners equally wanted me to play a role that made them feel comfortable, important etc. If you then on top of everything also have a talent, then jalousie and bullying is something coming your way. I have much later in life embraced my strength and deliberately learned to not care so much about others scared feelings and tunnel vision etc. And even start seeing it as a test of my strength and self worth. Also a trust in that people can take care of themselves so I don’t have to protect their “stay in your lane’ feelings especially when those feelings are directed towards me
Thank you so muchfor addressing this topic. It comes at a moment when i am tackling this exactly. You channel improves my quality of life. Thank you. I know my mother was competitive w me. I think it was from her father paying me attention when i was born. I think she started hating me the day she saw him love me and she just increasingly took her infantile rage out on me. I was never allowed to consider myself good at anything she "owned" in the way of skills or achievements. If i did well at something she didn't own she would co-opt it as her own achievement. She actually kept trophies i earned in speech competitions even though she never attended a tournament. I used to ignore all awards and accollades because she would take them and brag about them like they were hers all the while telling me not get a big head and criticizing everything i did that she knew about. Thankfully i didn't let her know or see much. You are so right about the power dynamic. It really is about taking your innate power into your own hands and leaving them behind.
It’s just way too painful. The rude awakening of it all that is. Once ya get past all that phoney baloney, it’s still just way to hard, but I’m still plowing away at this marvelous thing called life:). UnotAlone,ThatsFoShaw.
A child in therapy is an odd situation, the child is the patient and the parents are the paying customer. Who is the therapist accountable to for privacy?
That's what all of us christian go through we are to learn to deny ourselves pick up our cross and follow jesus and to ignore those who disagree even if its family. The truth brings division and Jesus said I didn't come here to bring peace but a sword. Our success is the kingdom not of this world
My mom says I’d make a good janitor, should work at value village, should go on welfare she says bc I would make more. Make more on welfare? Like wtf? When I was 8 she said, I should be a lawyer because I’m such a good manipulator. She says this shit under the guise of a loving mother who just cares.
I've known about 4 people in my life that are afraid of success or succeeding. They were brilliant and had great entrepreneur ideas, but, never stepped out of their comfort zone to achieve much. Most of them, it was because they would rather live a meager life they were familiar with. One of the person, probably smart as Steven Hawking in the science/quantum physics arena, he is so messed up in the head from trauma and likes to cause his own family and others trauma and headache. He could never step out of his laziness and inferiority complex to amount to anything. There are many reasons why ppl are afraid or don't want success in life.
Daniel! Do you have socials? I’d like to connect. Your videos from a few years ago helped me through a time when I was heavily dosed on antipsychotics. I was being suppressed and being fed that I was a schizophrenic. I am in a healing process now and am trying to do this right.
Daniel, do you think the last 5% that you need to heal is going to require an environment much more safe and secure than you ever managed to create for yourself before? I ask because I know you believe that the uncomfortable feelings that arise from certain situations are actually the "pins and needles” of a trauma coming back into consciousness to heal. I know one day I’m gonna have to face my own final 5%, and I wanna know how that final 5 works so we can all best resolve it. I feel like I should pay you for all the questions I ask.
beautifully said Daniel. I love your channel and your videos. Can you please say sth about society and parents pressuring people to get married at any cost, no matter if the person they are supposed to marry is emotionally healthy or not.
Hey Daniel can you do a video on Paul T. Goldman (a real guy) - his journey from wimp to warrior? It's this incredible new show on Peacock about this guy who is incredibly neglected by his parents and ends up crafting this fantasy world for himself. I think it would be a great subject for one of your videos because of the honest but also tongue in cheek approach the show gives him.
Its part of the self-hating process that developed as the child needs to maintain the bad child/good parent illusion. To think otherwise is too painful. We develop self hate in order to preserve the illusion that our parents love us and are good. Its a false self we develop. Success disrupts this pattern and brings up pain. To be successful disrupts the false self and bad child. In line with this, by succeeding we are leaving our parents behind, which causes guilt.
Well you should still offer therapy to others. Working outside of the system. So no one has a say but you. Use life coach as the title so no one has an issue. We can do a lot of what we, want our way by keeping out of limelight. So no one feels threatened while we do what we are meant to do. :) I wish people like you had more authority in the world. And they made the rules. :) Keep letting your voice out. It just feels like a melody to our hearts.
I hear you on this rejecting thing. They are phoney. Getting to know deepest real self. I’m doing it “by myself”. Trust is an issue sharing with others, yet isn’t that the best way to know self. So much shame I trust no one with my shame. I think play therapy for 46 year olds is needed. Suggestions?
I like the idea of play therapy for adults. Lots of different types of play. Do you want to play with Match box cars? How about those old Playschool towns with those little people? That might be therapeutic. Weebles, remember them? Lol. Maybe Legos or an erector set and build something. One thing I like to do is toss frisbees. I've gone out to a field by myself with a bunch of disc golf frisbees and just thrown them as far as I could. Then go gather them all up and do it again. Look around for a disc/frisbee golf course in your area. You can play that by yourself. Most courses are at least partially in the woods. If you don't know what it is just RU-vid search disc golf. I also like to play with one of those toy balls you can get at the dollar store. Sometimes I just hit it like a volley ball by myself...hit it in the air and catch it. Once in awhile my husband will join in and we get a volley going between us. I can now throw a ball in the house now, cause no parents to tell me not to. Lol. I also like to listen and sing (when no one's around haha) to 80s music. I was a teen in the 80s and used to love to sing in the car. Juggle stix. Something else you can RU-vid search if curious. I have a pair of those and like to mess around with them too. Art journaling. I am NO artist, but sometimes just doodling or gluing something onto paper or just painting with water colors or tempra paints is fun, even if it's just big color blob on the paper. Oh and coloring too. Just some suggestions. I don't know if any of this is what you meant, but here it is.
@@wordivore Thanks for the suggestions. I worked at a psy-hospital for 10 years. 5-8 years TOO long. We had an art therapy teacher. It’s different. It is like being in a family, doing something as a group, but focused on your own little world of creation and then having a (hopefully) skilled teacher role play as an empathetic-care giver that asked questions about the art produced. It was very dynamic REFLECTION that caused the doer to stand outside of oneself, objectively analyzing ones creation. It was always satisfying, cathartic, emotional, raw & elevating & peaceful experience. Putting one in touch with one’s Self. I experienced as an aide who chaperoned the kids. A safe place, a moment out of time. Inspirational. I would say your play is good too, like a full body energy release. I was thinking of resting heart rate “play”, I guess closer to a meditative relaxed state.
Wow... thank you for this video.. I am here now. The more I come into myself the more isolation/conflict from those who accepted my outer shell.. but i am attracting more like minded people💕people who accept me as I am💕 with authenticity comes good health.. inauthenticity made me sick.
