Married to a narcisist for 32 years. He did not listen. It was unbelievable. To him I did not exist. Hard to understand and accept. I was truly invisible. So glad I was brave enough to get out.
That’s what drove me away as well. Not only would he not listen but he repeated everything I said and claimed he said it first. He was trying to disappear me.
You learn never to share your good news with them. You learn never to share your bad news with them. You learn to make plans and do things alone or with other, healthier people. You learn to brace yourself after you do something for yourself because you know you will have to pay for it emotionally. You learn that when they say they love you they're not lying, they're just totally clueless about the real definition of love and can only love you as their supply. You learn to live with the grief of knowing you can never really get through to them. You learn to put your foot down and keep it down. You learn how to validate your own self. You learn to love yourself again. You learn how to call it a day.
My self self-appointed family “matriarch” would address any accomplishment with a recitation of her friend’s children’s superior professional accomplishments! It is a family joke. I realize that my life long insecurity is rooted in her constant criticism. This is the same woman who drove 20 years after she was told that she is legally blind.
I struggled to please my narcissistic ex for nearly 30 years. I adored the man I thought was hiding inside, so I kept going. I didn't finally give up until I was 59 years old! I wish I had given up while I was still young enough to launch a new life. This way though, it has taken me nearly 10 more years to come to terms with the waste of my life and the waste of my love.
Denigrate, Diminish, Disrupt. Ridicule, reduce, rinse, repeat. It's really obvious once you understand it. Still hurts. Just remember, they're the one's who've lost their humanity... Not you 🙌🙏❤️
We are just objects to them sad we don’t mean anything to them they don’t care and never will that’s why we got to leave them were there at alone shut the door and them don’t invite them or give them any of our time.
14:19 How I dodged my first narcissistic relationship. Pre-dated for 3 months & he remained distant and image obsessed. We were going to a show. I bought the tickets, reminded him 1 month, 2 weeks, 1 week, night of, about the event. Morning of I asked about pickup time. He said he had a tattoo appointment but he would "reschedule it if it was important to me". I immediately dropped him. People give others too much grace. Im not putting up with a man child. I'm busy, I'm tired, and I've got stuff to do. Have your ducks in a row or lose my number, I honestly don't care which one you choose
It takes most people a long time to take in how deliberate such people are. Because it’s so so opposite from normal instinct, you figure they “must have” forgotten, you remember the one time you forgot something important to someone and how bad you felt and try to spare them feeling so bad. THIS IS THE EXACT TRAP THEY SET
Dated a narcissist for 8 months. Absolutely maddening. She made entirely new sentences out of everything I said. So glad I got out of that "relationship"
Sorry to hear of your difficult dilemma & hope it clears uponsomehow as it sounds complex & completely unwarranted. Rather like others who could face 'sentences' after being arrested by Maoist style police for doing absolutely nothing in this thought policing Europe. Who established the first thought crime ? Well much to the surprise of many it was Richard Dawkins dash the Nu Atheists et al after they modeklled a way that believing in a christian god was wrong & should be banned / deemed a - WHAT ? THOUGHT CRIME. And since then it has EXPANDED. Now its alleged to be illegal / A THOUGHT CRIME to refer to a woman as ? A WOMAN. They've implement various complex red herring yes. Makes no difference - BRitain is being ABOLISHED BY A FORTH REICH.
Men say this a lot about women . It’s the women fearing thats what you said n wanting confirmation it’s not . Women wanting to loved . Then ya have your crazy Narc women who will drive ya as low as they possiable can . They never shut up and it is constant negative talk toward the man n twisting every word or action he says/ does as if it’s rejection or reason to keep the arguing going . Some love to argue ! Drama !
The very fact that Dr. Ramani says she can't lift the hurt, but she can help with the "sting"? This amazing lady has shown more empathy than many in our own families! That is why we need her to share wisdom with us!
Such attitudes as these basically using metaphysics to accuse are only developing thought crime models for an encroaching western maoist style police state otherwise are meaningless This type of person does not care how such post truth can facilitate the false arrest of anyone at anytime & that followers are just showing a police state 'evidence' of the people will, to be policed like this.People like her will get our grandmothers locked up for daring to speak pre post truths such as what a woman is & deemed 'narcissistic' due to the way they want defining WOMAN to be a thought crime And thats only the beginning of the post truth dictionary of thought crime.
How sad for you that even when there is no known case of a single clinically identified 'narcissist' ever & theres no diagnosis for it in the DSM that ( it sounds like ? ) you should be afflicted by 'classic narcissists' - i mean that must be close to impossible. Anyway - keep up the good work grovelling to the cult and its leaders.,
NPD & BPD (Borderline Personally Disorder) are both caused by childhood trauma. These 2 diagnoses are very harmful, traumatizing, and stigmatizing to the person given these labels. I find it very sad and callous of the 'professional' network of the APA (American Psychiatric Association) that these people having already endured childhood trauma are now enduring the trauma of these labels. These people are being blamed for their childhood trauma and the behaviors they learned as a child in order to survive this trauma and told that there is no help for these disorders. These people would be better served with a more appropriate diagnosis of Complex PTSD due to Childhood Trauma, and provided with intense trauma therapy via CBT and DBT along with medication for the symptoms that come with these diagnosis, ie, depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis and dissociative episodes, and suicidality. I am not saying that anyone should not set limits and boundaries regarding these individuals learned maladaptive coping behaviors which hopefully they are willing to work on in therapy and learn self regulation of these behaviors. I am saying that they shouldn't be written off as a lost cause unless they aren't willing to work on recognizing and changing these maladaptive behaviors both in therapy and outside of therapy based on what they have been taught in therapy. This will also require that the people around them are willing and able to call out these individuals when they are engaging in their maladaptive coping behaviors. I'm not naive of the difficulty with holding these individuals accountable for their behaviors and the strength and courage that this process requires for the people committed to helping these individuals. These helpers will need a strong sense of their own identity and the ability to not absorb or take personally any behaviors which will be directed at them by these individuals. I'm well aware that anyone who endeavors to try to hold these people accountable will need to have the ability to detach from and move away from these individuals when it is clearly evident that these individuals aren't accepting their own responsibility for self regulation of their maladaptive behaviors. There are people with this diagnosis who will never change their behaviors either because they are unwilling or unable to do so. At that point, all the other person can do is walk away in love and pray for them. No child deserves to be abused and no person deserves to take abuse from another person even if that individual has suffered childhood trauma. It is a very tricky and difficult situation for the people who love these individuals. I encourage all people to walk away from abuse especially when it is evident that this individual will always be abusive. Peace, love, grace, wisdom, and strength is my prayer for everyone. ❤
Dr. Marnina Fisher has some excellent videos on BPD and NPD and the resulting attachment disorganization and emotion and behavior dysregulation, if anyone is wanting to learn a different perspective about these disorders.
They spin what you say into something "offensive" or negative. Yes! A threat to their ego.. You can be 100% on their side, and they take your knowledge as a criticism of them..
Their distorted reality is not our reality. I finally figured it out recently. The less said the better I have found. And I'm finished with work arounds. It is very freeing to walk away or go stone silent.
I absolutely agree with you. I was telling a friend, who am I strongly suspect is a narcissist, some fun news. Knowing that all other news, I told him about this other person, we’ll call Katie, is always negative, I put excitement in my voice when I introduced the new episode in her life so that he would get on the right mood and right level of understanding, but it didn’t work. I said, in an excited voice, with a smile on my face, “Guess what Katie said today!” He looked at me and said, “Why do you let people bother you? Just say no to them. Look at me. Then he made me look at his face by touching my arms, “You just have to say no.” He complains about not having time to listen to all the misery, but then when I start to tell him something fun, he can’t fathom that either. I told him never to touch me again. he is definitely out. I have not corresponded with him unless absolutely necessary. It feels so freeing. And it seems that he’s a sociopath and a narcissist. He just wants superficial relationships of any kind. And if he had any sense of humanity and civility, and waited out to see what I had to say to the end without his ambush, he would have heard that Katie, who is otherwise suspicious and judgmental, is acting more relaxed around me and said she was glad that she and I are getting closer. And get this, he and I are both volunteers at our church. They have not asked him to do anything, even though they need help in the area of his expertise, but they have given me more recognition and respect for my areas of expertise.
Well said, very well said. Yeah, I decided to engage in a conversation with a narcissist yesterday, but it caused me trouble sleeping and I pretty much couldn't function for the rest of the day. The narcissist made comments about my age and expressed a desire to be my sister or mother, which had a significant impact on my mental state and nervous system.
Yes - this is spot on. Thanks, Dr Ramani. My narc father once got a ticket for speeding in my mum's car. She got the fine and we went to the ombudsman to dispute it. I put together the argument. On the morning we were due to go, my narc father asked if I would be going with my mother to the hearing. I said, "yes". That was it. Nothing else. He went ballistic and physically attacked me. His new narrative about this is that HE was attacked in his own home for no reason! These people are poison. Nobody needs to be around them. After I had my children, I just couldn't anymore. I cut him out nearly a year ago. No contact. I feel free now.
Sounds familiar. While going through divorce my estranged husband without permission entered into the back seat of my mothers car special to intimidate by slamming his fist onto the ledge underneath the back window. Somehow in court his lawyer managed to convince my legal aid lawyer who had at the time a large case load of similar divorce cases to his name that the only way for us to get police protection from him was for me to obtain a restraining order written against BOTH of us. After my former husband number 1 had for a long time been trashing my reputation to anyone who would listen. "The Troubles" at the time came way too close to my door step often too. Not only in the U.K.
More than one woman needing a divorce including the successful preacher Joyce Meyers escaped from getting charged with fraud or got charged with fraud when their resources were being used to commit crimes and misdemeanors. The worst case I have ever heard of when it comes to a woman being in danger of getting charged with being an accessory to crime is the woman who was living in St. Albert Alberta Canada while whe was married to monster film director Mark Twitchel. What I cannot understand too are married men self righteous preacher professors out there who are vilifying everyone in general equally who dared to get a divorce.
I was in the middle of a cancer scare and decided to tell my brother. I started by saying that I had a health issue. He immediately interrupted, and asked could he get it, I said no, and then he laughed and said he didn’t want to know about it. I never told him. My mom realized that he didn’t really care, didn’t really listen or have empathy, and usually didn’t tell him important things either. Our father was a narcissist but I had thought my brother was nice when he was a kid. He married someone with problems of her own who appears to have aided him to get worse over time. I have no contact and it is the best course of action, especially as he was exhibiting threatening behaviour and anger problems. When you recognise that you always seem to have to walk on eggshells in someone’s home, it’s time free yourself from the toxic environment.
Similar experience in a way. My wife who was only 29 at the time found out she had cancer. So I immediately asked for non paid 6 month break so I could tend to her needs after chemo and take care of our at the time 6 year old son. Since it was non paid 6 months absence. In my country for this type of troubles you only get 2 week paid absence. I had no choice but to ask my family to help me out financially to whether the storm. I had a meeting with my divorced parents and my brother to ask for their help. Keep in mind my father was a very wealthy man. The result was following: My father said to my mother that he will only give me money if she gives some! 25 years after their divorce they still competed with each other instead of hearing me out and helping their son. My brother told them not to give me anything?! Couple of months later he sued me at the court of law for not paying the utility bills for vacation house that we co-owned and 99% of the time only he used. He wanted to pressure me to sell him the house on the cheap because he saw my troubles as a opportunity to get it for change. He offered me 10 000$ for my 50%. House that is worth about 150 000$ at the market. My wife unfortunately died Couple of years later and on that day I finally realized my family is dead to me to. As they are all bunch of egotistical narcs. Couple of years later my father died as well, my brother got cancer and my mother is the only person I still talk to rarely. Because although she didn't do much to help me, at least she showed some interest in her grandson.
It really is crazy that i can relate to so much of your story. I hope you will feel a calm now that you finally are somewhat free from people who wish you nothing good in life.
@@markomeker7789 so sorry you were put through all that with your relatives. Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah, wealthy narc parents are really something, aren't they. 🤮
Exactly, yet they almost seem like they have dementia,delusions and paranoia, they can't remember your schedule 2 seconds after a conversation, yet I feel like that is bs because they know exactly where you are and what your doing when they manage to go out and screw around.
It's so irritating and even when they are supposed to be intelligent, they act as if they have a mental block, and one gets to the stage when you feel like banging your head against a brick wall.
I remember telling my narcissistic mother that I'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. She shrugged it off saying something like oh everyone has that. Not once during my treatment did she ask how I was doing. I wasn't living with her so I guess it didn't affect her. Now I understand.
@@V.Hansen.all the attention kindness support and compassion takes away her power dominance and importance It’s sad narcissists are so insecure and stressed but the harm they inflict on others is unconscionable
I had a very similar experience during my breast cancer diagnosis. I had a double mastectomy & chemo after. My husband never came to an appointment, or chemo session. He also insisted our children aged 10 & 12, who were amazing & wanted to care for me in their own way, like rubbing oil on my scalp or asking if my scars were feeling better, so we could have a cuddle. My husband would become infuriated & jealous by any attention the kids showed me, he made a ‘NewRule’ in the house which was that no one was to say the word Cancer & to leave mum alone as she needs to learn how to look after herself & fussing over her just makes her feel more sorry for herself than she already does….
@@Misshylilly so sorry you went through this and hope you made a good recovery. My partner at the time was also a narcissist and he was vile all through. When I went for my surgery he dropped me off in the hospital car park and went straight home. He never once asked me anything about the treatment and wouldn't take me for my daily radiotherapy so I had to rely on volunteer hospital transport. I'd get back home to find him waiting for his lunch. The worst was when he forced himself on me when I was exhausted from treatment because 'a man has his needs'! I left him as soon as treatment finished and never looked back. Sending hugs 💕
I had the same experience.My narcissistic mother has dementia,so I sold my house,moved to Tampa to take care of her and because they had an excellent cancer care facility.I was never able to take advantage of that facility,because she didn't give my health care any credence. When I brought this up she said,"That's no big deal,every woman gets that."
I truly believe they hear the same thing Charlie Brown would hear when grown-ups would speak. I was married to one for 10 years, and it was like talking to a brick wall. It felt so liberating when our son turned 18 and I changed my number.
When I clicked this video I would have been laughed if it was just 15 minutes of Charlie Brown teacher noise. It wouldn’t be very helpful, but it would funny and accurate.
The more I learn about narcissists the more I realize they’re absolutely pathetic. I don’t mean that to be mean it’s more like relief. You think you’re up against this powerful foe but in reality they are so weak and fragile
If it doesn't concern them, they have selective hearing. Then they try to make it your fault no matter what it is. Twisting and convincing/ conniving things to benefit, not you, but them... every single time!
there are people like that but there are also people rambling on for what feels hours about insignificant shit and it is pretty common. Is it the 4th divorce of their favorit actress (even worse you just know there will be a 5th and they will talk your ear off once again), that Susie wore a short skirt at work, that Tom earns more money than them, or couple X went to the Maledives for holiday. I dont know how to process shit like that. It makes no sense how overinvested people get. I mean to mention it as "filler" is fine but after some minutes or if they mention it again and again its like shut the fuck up already. Is it now me being a narcissist (example 1) or them for needing constant validation/re-assurance and being envy/competitive about others (example 2)? Lets be honest most people fit in either one ot the 2 examples
I love reading the comments on these types of videos. I feel sad for all the trauma people have endured from this “condition”, but honestly I must admit, it makes me feel stronger knowing I was never alone. Other people are dealing with it as well and I feel strangely bonded to total strangers because of that. I really wish you all had amazing relationships but since you did not, at least we’re in this together in a way. Silver lining I suppose. ❤
i agree and feel the same way. Im 55yrs old and I didnt realise until today after watching these videos from Dr. Ramani what a narc is and how my father has abused me all my life, and I thought something was wrong with me. This ends today! Power to all us empaths who have been abused by narcs
I totally agree. I do not want anyone to experience what I have but it is comforting to know that other people reacted the same way I did. That I have not exaggerated or imagined or that I am not unique, I suppose.
i so agree!! absolutely negative energy they put out, I had to deal with my narrcistic sister all my life, i finally after years stepped away from the abuse
The narcissist’s not listening/paying attention to what you’re saying can make you feel like you’re going insane……and cause a host of nasty ripple-effects to have to deal with later…..Thank you for clarifying what is happening behind this behavior, Doctor R❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Totally describes my parents. My grandiose narcissistic father told me “big deal you published a paper, it will not help you in your career at all”. He would also try to say things like “when I did research was so much harder, and more important”… even though he didn’t even have a clue what was my project about. He didn’t even want to listen to it, he just wanted to talk about himself. When we bought a house, he said “so now you have to pay mortgage? You cannot even afford house without taking a loan, I would never take a loan”… everything is a competition. I am glad I am no contact with him.
It's painful, and thankfully you are aware of what's REALLY happening. Very, very sad. I wish you the best. You deserve empathy and compassion. You'll never get from parents. My strategy is surrounding myself with safe friends and family.
The more and more I learn about narcissist personality is the more I realize it is impossible to communicate with them and should be avoided at all cost.
Yes! In the beginning I couldn’t understand why a significant other didn’t remember the things I told them and/or we spoke about. Now I know about narcissism I understand.
Please don't spread hate, not all narcissists are like this. We're suffering from a disorder that cripples us, but we're still people with empathy, we still want to love and care for others. We struggle a lot with our own nature, we're scared of pain - but not all of us are blinded by that fear. Some of us understand that we can hurt others because of our trauma, and are doing our best to heal and get better - both for others and ourselves.
An ex narc ‘friend’ was like this as I was healing with doing trauma therapy. She didn’t like me getting stronger and healthier, which involved standing up to her and having healthier boundaries. She would try to interfere criticize and cut me down, questioning my success and any ‘wins’ or dreams I had in life. I had enough and told her it was not ok. Haven’t heard from her since, and I’m ok with that if she can’t be supportive and kind. Grateful for the support of this community. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
Yes, you will have to let go of some of your so called friends. New healthier ones will come into your life. Good for you to set boundaries with those who dont support and celebrate you!
Very much related....i just came to learn in 3 months that I just almost fall in love with a narc....she never happy or wish me for my success....after I did for her....now m gonna shit on her...m not gonna leave her empty 😂😂😂
For me, the conversations with the narc go like this. I come home from work, she asks “how was your day?” The moment anything in my reply triggers something in her, whether that be a brief pause for breath or something I say, she interrupts to spend ten minutes talking at me about her day. Never mind that I’ve just walked in the door, have not yet even gotten my shoes off or anything. In other words, all ‘conversations’ are, for her, nothing other than opportunities to spew her own story. It’s a monologue really.
Exactly like my mother. She can make absolutely everything about her. If I would say, "look, an elephant with a blue scarf was found in Iceland in a bar!", she would talk about how she had a blue scarf, when she was 5 years old...
I bet the good doctor here hasn't got any narc women in mind though. only men will be narc for her. Apart from that useful info my foot, these so called narcism information videos claims really negative attitudes in the modelling and design of thought crime for a maoist style western police state. From that position creating the excuses to not need a valid reason to arrest people.
@@cameroncameron2826 - You'd be wrong in that assumption. Perhaps watch some of her videos before giving an opinion based on wrongful assumptions. Sounds like she hit a nerve in you.
@@kdphotos4691 Dear KD - i'm going to treat your remarks with respect & as though they might be from 'her' - someone who knows 'her' or someone totally unknown to 'her'. Would that resound as reasonable ? Well it ought to as it must be one of those. Now lets shift the focus as if not even referring to the good D?r but a person behaving the same way - RIGHT ? What a complete imbecile and metaphysical idiot - a circus performer - A PSYCHIC - A Confidence Trickster. Now if you want to play with a correctly trained phenomenologist just reply. With Respect.
The worst is the addiction to their love and approval. The need for it. The deep connecrion they make you feel at the beginning. The kindness. Its shocking when they show the true colours,when they make you question your own life,standards, decisions. Your own feelings. I am so insecure now with what I actually think and feel, questioning if its ok,real. Crazy really. He is my biggest pain and teacher. He taught me that you can deeply love someone, or illusion of someone, and never want to see or speak with them again.
I'm sorry that they perpetuated their trauma onto you. That's how it feels to me as someone suffering from NPD - I don't feel secure in anything. I have to get all my validation from outside of myself, because I'm so overcome with an inability to trust myself that it feels like I'm always doing the wrong thing. I hide it behind a mask of being perfect because I'm convinced that if others knew about this inner emptiness, nobody would love me. I wish you a healthy recovery, and I hope you feel better soon!
Same story here. I was so happy that I found her. And this "friendship" been for 7 years since I was a teen. There always was strange and toxic mistreatments from her but I always thought like «every relationship include a conflict situations which happens one day blah blah it's ok». I was blind and forgivable. Oh, I spent so many years trying to understand why I am so miserable. She always gaslighted me but in that time I was blind as I said. Now I understand everything, and I'm so happy I can live my own life now. But I still trying to learn all things she robbed from me, like having my own feelings and everything.
I think one of the most complicated aspects of dealing with and even identifying narcissists is that a lot of people are naturally attracted to confident personalities and narcissists tend to be good at appearing to be confident, even if they are riddled with insecurity deep down. I have known a number of people over the years who seem to be like a magnet to narcissistic selfish partners or even just friends who treat them badly and clearly have no respect for them. Social media has also given an opportunity for narcissists to promote what they’re most interested in; themselves. Whenever I see an elaborate social media profile I always think about the amount of time, effort and even money that they spent on promoting themselves and that is usually a good way of predicting a narcissistic personality.
Well said... and helpful... However, some narcarrcists have zero interest in social media: it would be great if they all embraced it n showed their colours that way. I met my husband in person and thought he was confident; the strong silent type... It wasn't until after I got away from him... that it slowly dawned on me (around the time all my hair started falling out) and diagnosed w PTS) that he is a malignant narcarrcist. I need to keep forgiving myself for feeling like I betrayed myself for not seeing anything while we were dating... they are so insidious. I would get gut feelings n when I'd pull away... he'd love bomb me. I'm in shock n thankful to the Lord that I listened to my instinct that he was going to kill me and I got away.
So true. I looked threw some usb drives of old photos of our relationship. Atleast twice as many selfies than pictures of her own son. Pictures of me was very few. Not that i really like being photographed but still speaks volumes.
My sister use to want to measure around my legs, arms, even the width of our noses...knowing damb well I'm bigger than her...she once said, I tried your pants on and I didn't even have to undo them to take them off.
In 1986 we went to visit my family in Germany. My mother had always been overweight, and simply couldn't lose the weight (in those days doctors still stupidly believed that a low fat, high carb diet would help you lose weight, which didn't work). My narc mother (very, very emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive) came to the door. I had gained weight during my four pregnancies, and had my then youngest daughter, eight months old, with me. The FIRST thing she said to me, not having seen me in five years was, "Ha, look at you, I am skinnier than you!" And she was, she was wearing pants, and I had never seen her in pants before. Well, her glee didn't last long - unbeknownst to her then (in May), she had liver cancer, which is why she was suddenly losing so much weight. She was dead three months later. I don't miss her, she was the most hateful person I've ever known.
Eye opening : I called my narcissistic sister and was sharing a story about dropping of some mortgage motification papers to a homeowner who I had never met. He was very upset and pulled a gun on me..... which I was able to calm him down and leave his home. As I shared this with my sister on the phone, she said uh huh, sounds good. I stopped her and asked what sounded good with a gun being pulled on me ?? She paused and with anger said , Ok you caught me, and you win.... so strange for sure... she was very mad at me for catching her in BS...
WTF haha, just to think such people actually exist.... My experience is the opposite, although narcissistic traits apply to my mother, it's mostly BPD, very controlling. Anything I say, she gets into a frenzy and starts warning me (for my own good) bossing me around or criticizing me. I wouldn't even share about someone pulling a gun on me because immediately that becomes my fault, and I'm a terrible person for working that job, or living in that neighbourhood.
Let's hope you have confidants with a normal, human amount of empathy to entrust with your experiences! The old saying `pearls before swine' covers your situation. It's disillusioning to come to realize that another can't really care in a normal way.
@@hufficagwhen I told my father once I was almost hit head on by a car passing another car coming towards me he replied something along the lines of "I've told you not to drive so fast". That's when I really realised that he wasn't listening nor caring that I'd almost been killed...
The common denominator it seems is narcs rarely live in the present, they're usually stuck in a endless loop of past events, emotional distress, psychological turmoil & their own personal interpretation as what those things mean (along with false self maintenance). In other words, they're in Lala Land, a false reality, so they CAN'T see or hear anything or anyone else consistently, not even themselves 😂
I just commented on this video a few minutes ago and this is what is happening when you talk with them and they say something weird that has nothing to do with the conversation like " don't go there". They can't get out of their own loop. They're stuck.
I’ve experienced the living in the past issue.It used to infuriate me but now it annoys me but I figured out ways to dismiss it when it happens. The last time it did :I was at an event and had a small bowl of food.The past was brought up along with the woe be gone facial expression over something that happened probably 20 years ago and have been touched upon multiple times. Something I had no part in bc I wasn’t around then. I just said,Well,I’m done eating.I need to find a trash can to toss this bowl in.Got up,went and found one.Lingered until the point was made…I’m walking along and not listening to it. It happens a lot and it really does get old.If someone wants to waste their present living in the distant past?Fine but I don’t appreciate my present being compromised by it. It sucks the joy right out of whatever it is you’re doing at the current moment.
I feel like this is alot of people nowadays. I’ve been lucky to never be close to one but usually, especially American women they tend to separate themselves from me or stop talking to everyone that I hangout with because we are typically a boring culture or group but also do not let them walk over me. I just have my Arabic friends from church and my husbands sisters and mother who I’m great friends with. I think my boss may be a narc but luckily I’m never in direct contact with her.
I remember when I told my mother I was pregnant with my first kid (her first grandchild) she responded: ,,That's crazy! I bought these pants the other day and later I found out they were pregnancy pants." Then she proceeded to talk about the new pants and she brought them to show them to me. A few minutes into her monologue her husband said: ,,Maybe we should congratulate." Edit: I recently announced my second pregnancy to my mother and this time she said: ,,Good, at least with a new baby your first son will learn not to be a brat."
@@i.g.l.z.9215 It's a funny story, so no apology needed 😀. This happened by the time I was low contact with my mother for years and didn't expect anything from her (except for her being non-motherly as she is).
@@helenafernandez-medina225 Situations like these must be hard if you are still expecting love and compassion. Sending you a hug from Czech republic ❤.
This video validated me so much. I couldn’t figure out why my mom had such over the top negative, angry, or out of left field responses during basic conversations. I was thinking I was losing my mind. THANK YOU
The left is using narcissim as a type of weapon to destroy families. we are all narcisissts to varying degrees so there is none that are good like Jesus says. the key when dealing with sinner(narcissist aka every single human) is to forgive.
First I want to say THANK YOU Dr Ramani. I'm 55 and 5' tall. Went no contact with my dad three years now. He's 6ish' tall. All my life all I've ever heard from him in such a whiny voice "I don't understand you" so when I went over to talk with him, I figured I'm not a kid anymore and he's in his 80's maybe we can finally have some kind of father/daughter relationship. So I'm talking with him and within five minutes his face twists like he's in agonizing pain, which has been his look ALL MY LIFE, and then he stands up and hoovers over me and starts screaming word salad, his face gets all red and he can't even put one sentence together and spitting everywhere and his mask would slip and he'd say some weird things like "don't" or some other things almost like I'm picking on him. So I'm standing at this point and I'm thinking omg this is like when I was 15, this is how it's been my whole life with this guy. It was FINALLY at that moment the light went on in my head that it wasn't me all along. The guy just never cared. I've never talked about this with anyone and over the past few months I had two conversations about this with my brother. I came across something recently that said healing starts when you are validated. At least now I KNOW I'm not going insane.
Yep it was never you. It's like they are reacting to their projection of you not you. You say something that hits them with a reminder of a narc injury from the past and they go into a rage in reaction to some past hurt not what you actually said. I've always imagined it like a malfunctioning robot you accidentally triggered. It's directed at you but has nothing to do with you.
the more you know, the more you understand. the more you know, the better off you are. no contact is the only cure when dealing w one of these monsters.
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Thank You, Dr Ramani. It is definitely one of the hardest parts of a relationship with a Narcissist. To be ignored and invalidated by Them, yet They expect to be seen and validated and heard by you. It is frustrating and disheartening. True Love and Connection is reciprocal and not Self Centered or Dismissive.
It’s better to be alone than with a narcissist. People are very imperfect, and sadly good people end up with narcissists. It’s frustrating trying to interact with people in this world.
markcollins1012 - I agree. I am very sensitive, and I have been used and abused my entire life. I'm 57 now, and I am perfectly happy living with my dog and three cats. We all get along. If I feel I need a hug, I hug my dog or I pick up one of my cats. I cannot tolerate yet another heart break, so I have decided to go it alone. For me, it's the best decision I have made this far. ❤️🫂
They're filtering for what's in it for them. Ditto for sociopaths, including the 'everyday sociopath' as described in Jonice Web's book. All Cluster B people do this. They all seem to have the mental emotional maturity level and character of a neglected, spoiled, traumatized, internally locked-in three year old. THIS IS ALL RIGHT ON THE BULLSEYE!!! Thank you Dr Ramani for all you do!! Helping us in saving our lives and sanity!
The other day on another of Ramani’s vifeos, I commented how NPD and BPDs both do something…. In come the NPDs who don’t admit they’re NPD but cling to the BPD label bc it means they’re tHe ViCtIm…. Which is very trendy nowadays… And they were denigrating me for comparing the 2. I had to refer them to the DSM and ICD, explain how they’re both cluster b disorders, remind them that covert narcisissm is basically just BPD…. And cite RAMANI HERSELF in DOZENS of different videos 😂😂😂😂 These people are insane and have absolutely zero mirror neurons. One thing I despise that Ramani doesn’t admit to yet is that they ALL……. Have ASD. Not sociopaths so much. But psychopathic and autistic brains are supremely similar in the complete lack of formative neural pruning. All the brain scans show it. But nobody like to talk about it. Sociopaths are different; they’re made, not born. But those who were always this way and never ever ever change? I’ve never met a narcissist from the current generation that doesn’t go get an ASF diagnosis to get off of criminal charges/lawsuits/accountability. And it’s a PLAGUE on social media. A legitimate plague.
And you think psychopaths and sociopaths aren't in the healthcare system,? Some of the cruelest humans in the world go into the healthcare system. They love to be praised and worshipped, Mostly,many love the power and control they have over other peoples lives. Anyone who trusts a psychiatrist or forced to be examined by one will sure as hell be destroyed by them. Once they get that label slapped on a person, they can pretty well kiss their life goodbye. This woman, ''dr" Ramani oozes with clandestine arrogance. She doesn't hear you, because she does all the talking. She loves to hear herself talk. Loves the sound of her own voice and orgasms when she can mesmerize you to love her talk her superior radar abilities to spot all the kookalooks. She is unable to see the kookalook in the mirror. Yes, such a 'gift' to humanity. She loves to be adored and worshipped. By God, she's NEVER wrong or hurtful to people who are suffering. Bi***😬
You’re absolutely right. They don’t listen. It’s like the dog is barking. I have listened to so many talks about narcissism, but you have simply nailed it.
Please, don’t confuse with ADHD. I forget things people tell me with in a few minutes sometimes. Especially if I’m thinking about something else. Drove my hubby up the wall, until I was diagnosed and scored really high. Now he understands and things slotted into place. My grandma was a narcissist. Didn’t talk to you, if you said something that was a perceived slight. As a kid I never understood what was going on. So, that was one amazing thing about ADHD. It didn’t register until one incident, then I realised what was happening.
I remember the silence treatment from my grandma. She used to forbid everyone in the house talk to me, and I couldnt even Hug her. My brother was her Golden grandchild. I remember also my mom being the one who was always wrong but my uncle was her perfect kid. Mom had a terrible marriage with my father, who idk If is sociopath or narcisist. My grandma was the cruel but with phases, my father is the shittiwst person ever. And my brother now I discovered after a lot of denial to myself that IS a narcisist. But he calls himself empath.. to get worse, he's alcoholic..
I have ADHD. Lots of times people will say something to me, I will kind of reply, then hours later, when I am doing something else, I will realize what they said. I will feel bad and try to tell them and then respond appropriately. My Husband occasionally says that I just responded to something and I don't remember it. It's really hard to get my brain to focus. It sure felt different with my mom. She just didn't seem to give a crap about what I had to say.
@@kcaaprilladyseeing the narcissistic/sociopath relationship unfold first hand, I have met a lot of empaths/codependents. And also looking into people in recovery is that the vast majority are empaths and/or codependents. Not sure how any of it happens, but it seems narcs can raise more narcissists and codependents. It’s kind of wild. I’m worried for my own children to help them be balanced in emotional regulation and avoid more personality disorders.
@@jasminedavani6769 The whole point of ADHD is that you find it hard to concentrate. Yes, I can listen and pay attention and if I’m concentrating. It does stand for Attention Deficit hyperactivity disorder. Attention being the first word. What your saying is a bit silly, and obvious. I have ADHD, on the 97 percentile. Which is very severe, you don’t know what people are going through as well. You need to be kind to yourself, Jasmine. Forgive yourself for having ADHD and be kind to others who have it, as you know what it’s like.
Yup & it’s painful. It happened to me yesterday with my mother. She deflected, projected & then starting comparing & bringing in other families to not hear what I was saying. I’ve been crying for the last 24hours. I couldn’t finish listening to the video, b/c it’s all to close to home. I’ll listen later yet I appreciate the reminders to remember I can’t find love at an empty well that can’t truly respect, value or love me as a deserving being. 🙏
I've done those 24+hr cries more than I can remember. It is extremely painful and confusing. My mother singled me out all of my life. My siblings received all of the attention and support, while I received the cold stares and apathy. I even found myself hyperventilating at times. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Take your time, learn all you can. Plan and quietly execute how you will get from under her grip. It will always hurt to a greater or lesser degree, but you can start loosening the noose so that you can breathe.
This only becomes worse as the narcissist ages also. The narcissistic feedback I got from my mother and impression I’ve received from my narcissistic neighbor is that a lot of this starts to center around respect. Like much that happens with them, it becomes weaponized. You telling them no, even if you don’t know them and don’t have any obligation to them, is not only seen as disrespect, but worth them being punitive towards you. Same for them doing whatever TF they want to do. Everything you say, are and do becomes almost like you lashing out at them. You’re always wrong, because you just are. This can become dangerous also. I think it often doesn’t remain at a level of bickering with you. They will strategize to have you lose your job or say that you’re abusing them, to not only reign you in, but to provide you with real life consequences, for not doing whatever they want, which they’ll actually never be satisfied with anyway. In fact, from what I’ve experienced, if you’re doing anything less, than being an obedient slave, who knows better than to assert your rights, as a human being, they’ll have some comeuppance waiting for you. But hey, this is why you go no contact. While that is likely to have consequences, from the narcissist and others, you want to get out of the vortex of that constant communication and interaction with them, that causes the day to day, enmeshed, spiraling nightmare they can turn your life into.
@@kimberlychristofferson5857 you also don’t have to be much younger than the narcissist. I am 6 years younger than my neighbor, but may look far younger. Add to it is a racial difference and narcissism being a close cousin or sibling of racism. It may be this brew, that has been the cause of my problems with her. Even when I had to call the police, a week ago, because my neighbor has been opening my packages, the officer was taken aback, by her entitled statement to me, a few years ago of, “I took care of my mother and you can take care of me.” It was more an assignment, than an ask.
A narc randomly sent me messages with the word "RESPECT" in capital letters, insinuating I had been disrespectful to them and now it'a time to fix that or else. Of course that was a total lie as I was friendly and respectful towards them, and in general socially I would fear and grieve if I had upset someone, thus I act gently socially. Their claims were ungrounded and confusing. What I did do was just being nice and open to communication with them. NOW I understand what exactly I did not do: it was that I was not in awe of them and I was not subservient to them. They called •that• disrespectful. When I slowly started grey-rocking them, they got even more irrational, pushy and mean.. When I went no contact they started stalking me and threatening me for no reason at all. It's like: okay you don't like me for your personal reasons, why won't you feel relieved you don't have to be around me anymore? Antagonistic they are.
@@daynapeterson9033 depends upon where they are, in their cognition. Sometimes it seems that, even if they have dementia, their narcissism is their worst problem. They may not even treat everyone equally bad, because they know who to woo and who to discard.
'Being dismissive' hit me. Also 'for them its a threat'; when I graduated from university, when I published my book, when I made a beautifull statue, in all instances my brother would ignore it, being dismissive about it, clearly, my positive developments in any field are a threat to him. When I loose...he shines like the sun. This blatant envy is so awfull to experience again and again. Thanks for ure info!
If you don;t stop listening to evil trash like this you'll suffer. GET OUT before it sucks you in. YOU are better than this evil video nonsense with its non stop damnation X = a Narc = Y = a Narc = Z = a Narc. Are you a LUNATIC ? NO not yet. Get AWAY from sht like this before you are.
My husband devalues everything about me! Everything I say, everything I do, every job I had and have, every health issue - anything that’s happening to me is devalued loudly by him! Those types are definitely mentally sick!
My poor mother had to deal with my father. I didn’t know this behavior had a name. Had I known I would have gotten her out. But she’s at least resting in peace. He’ll never be able to devalue her, or me, because I’ve learned some things about his horrible self. I didn’t even need to tell him, he just knows. We see each other every now and again but it will never be like it used to be. Decades it took me to find out our life was a lie. Pretty sad. I hope you can find some peace from him. I’ve learned so much from these videos. It was like a sucker punch. Then hindsight came. It was a painful realization.
I once asked “what about the times you challenge me and I have meaningful, valid, supportive reasons for my choices?” - she replied “most of the time I’m not listening.” It helped me come to the conclusion that what sounds like a conversation to us is generally just a power game to them. So conversations are about power. I want to be acknowledged, for the other person to admit I was competent and did well - but this would upset the power imbalance. Admitting I am competent would in their eyes sealing them in comparison to me. So why would they do it? Once you remove fair play and empathy, the thought process seems to make “sense” from a certain amoral perspective … that’s not a good thing.
Charlie Brown's teacher comes to mind, "Waaaah, Waaaah, Waaaah" - Thank You Dr. Ramani for this. There were times when I just couldn't figure out what was going on. He would get sharp with me without any provocation - it was really confusing! So, glad the relationship ended :)
I've got another one. They act really happy about your promotion, then you get punished in many subtle ways over the next few weeks. Your clothes aren't right, you called them at the wrong time, they randomly refuse to talk to you or give you weird glares. I'm talking about my own experiences, but I've heard others tell similar stories about delayed punishment.
Yes, I got a new job for $10k a year more, really good job and my boyfriend was happy at first and then never asked me one time how work was once I started.
I showed a beautiful quilt I had just completed to a narc relative who was loaning me a car to get to work. She gushed over the quilt and then shortly afterward cut off my access to the vehicle (and thus to work, and income) with ZERO NOTICE. I took inventory and, realizing she was insane, left the situation. She was FURIOUS, but couldn't hurt me over text! Hahaha. I took a few screenshots to giggle at before I blocked her. I realize now that although she acted thrilled, she was very very jealous of my ability to succeed where she was forever in the "I just can't find time to sew even though I don't work or do anything else productive" zone.
Sometimes i feel like i was the narc... She would ask me about some new clothing she wore and i gave my honest opinion not to bring her down i allways shoot straight like that. I constantly told her your so beautiful (because i still think so after all abuse) her response was most often "i know" i didnt say it just to hear it back but it becaming hurting when it became a standard for years to come. She just couldnt say anything nice back. Just validated what i was saying and thats it. Even at the most intimate moments... Im still beating my self up over not getting out instead i got discarded and it was horrible. And i became nearly as horrible my self now i feel like an empty shell of the man i used to be. Im nearly 40 and find my self not knowing who i am yet again... Like having such a parent wasnt enough already.
I got into an argument with a narcissistic landlord who was kicking me out because she saw I had an account on a site used to find rooms for rent and had told her I wasn’t happy. She was scared of me leaving, so she jumped the gun and gave 30 days notice. Anyway, I bring this up because during the argument, I was making points about stuff, and refuted something she said three separate times, and eventually, I said “repeat what I just said”, and she gave me a blank stare, like I was asking her how to perform an appendectomy. They just don’t listen!
Well, I have terrific news on that… that was two years ago! I moved in a day, during which she and her “boyfriend” were looking to get tickets to something and she said “oh I need to be validated” in reference to her account, but it made me laugh and think “believe me, honey, we know…” I’ve been living in a MUCH nicer house in a very nice area; my room (which is legitimately TWICE the size it was at the narc’s place!) overlooks a park, has more than one window, and my landlord and roommates are absolutely terrific! Landlord doesn’t live with us and we have her full trust. Plus, this place I have now has AC! It feels like night and day, from the last place to where I am now!
@@SuprEmpth I check in on the site every now and then for the past couple of years (yes, I know ruminating is bad!), and that place is ALWAYS up for tenants! I saw 3 or 4 tenants in about as many months! Her place is going to be on that site in perpetuity! Fortunately, I'd always had a plan to leave since I didn't intend to stay there long anyway. It was merely a stepping stone to somewhere better all along!
What bothers me, is when I ask a question or make a comment, and they reply, or go off on a tangent, that has nothing to do with what I said. It's like they hear something totally different.
My sister always presumed that everything bad that happened in her life was something that I had done specifically to hurt her. She imbued me with far greater power than I actually have
This showed up on the perfect day! As to my narcissistic sister, it’s her reality, not mine. She and her flying monkeys can carry on without me.🥰 Thank you, Dr Ramani!
There are a lot of times where I question whether “he” is a narcissist or not.. but this is the first time I’ve heard you mention the problem of them not listening when you tell them things, and YES. That is 100%!! It was one of the first red flags and unfortunately I ignored it since these days most people have short attention spans :( thanks for explaining this so well!
You should watch her series from a few years ago about the different types of narcissists. I couldn't see it until I watched the one about the neglectful narcissist. Now it makes sense and I can see the entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation, image management, and how he thinks he's always the victim.
Absolutely! I’ve seen those videos too and one of the subtypes of narcissism struck me even more. It’s like he’s straddling NPD and BPD… thanks for your comment!
100%, all of this. To expand, they listen as far as they care to and finish the rest in their convoluted minds in the worst way, then insist to you and everybody else that you're the one who told them that. Also, they can go on and on and on about themselves in such a self absorbed way they don't realize you've stopped listening. Because you've heard the exact same story 100 times before.
Nevertheless your hatred is only going to come back om you 1000 fold. It shall have been better to have been sincere , & have faced life with honesty integrity and common decency even during the post truth age that inspired you to betray humankind. Though life weighed upon you. I'm so sorry it did & surely it shall means your lies are irrelevant. In any case they were conditioned learned - don't blame yourself - but DO escape the blame cycle that is the curse of modern life. GET OUT for gods sake.
@@gogosylvia293 Yeah i'm sorry to hear it & love the acronym you chose. One thing i know though is that while a lot of people had difficult relationships ( mine over 36 years with selfish inconsiderate woman with a habit of sabotaging our lives and causing difficult obstacles. / Some claiming shes aspergic ) & the problem is we are being herded towards further punishment by societal design. They are many ways - but parasitic online influencers and various agencies of power tend to be the major ones. You'd know i expect that caution is needed just with people down the local store can be it these days - mainly because THEY are being wound up bt societal manipulation also.. There are some very disturbing body language 'experts' on here and so on & another dodgy lot are the Nu Atheists because collectively these kinds of influence are basically modelling the thought crimes structures that are coming to rule us. This 'Narc' one can fairly be described as a manufacturer of thought crimes around the theme of narcism, with further problem being that our governments are taking the methods seriously / implementing them.. Remarks of which are mostly sweeping generalisations & meaningless with regard to what they've been CLAIMED to mean.. But from a phenomenological perspective such claims are in fact giving themselves context based in the fight or flight consciousness of the listener, I.E the influencers opinions ( taking Narc again ) can only seem to be valid by slaving off / plugging into fear complexes. Thus real psychological effect is that our discomfort is powered off our own bad experience and our own fear / without which such claims shall mean NOTHING. For instance when someone hates say a DOG with the total body of opinion concerning narcissists that this woman has - the DOG is being abused its as simple as that. Alternately by disconnecting that line to out long term memory and the neurons that subconsciously drive emotion right ? - with people like this just click 'video's in their channels control panel - and look at the relentless mad rant thats going on. Look at THEIR channel memory instead of allowing them to literally plug and plays your head. Just for instance - as much as it hurt me / others being trapped alone to deal with a difficult person, ( and i knew other prior ) its driven by ones own dependency. In fact nobody knows what me/we/us et al are referring to IF one tries to get some understanding. But its still not 'Narcissism' and these types of video need to open with a lie every time in order to fake advise. Also i know we are strangers and i should not be boring you with my opinions. Nevertheless i'll put this to it before ending. Where did the first thought crime get designed ? Answer Nu Atheism who disguise the social engineering they do by claiming to be on an anti christian mission. I'm not a believer either, but i know when 'atheists' are in fact up to no good. What i'm getting at is that in this case their strategy gets a large consensus to demand the end of christian religion. But the trouble is that is precisely the same as founding THOUGHT CRIME. And the powers that be treated it that way. Thus the thought crime canon began to expand i.e they've inferred its wrong to define a woman as a woman. They haven't quite said its against the law, but have strongly hinted its a hate crime. Do you see what i mean ? - we are being lead on to demand our own freedoms be taken from us. If you go to any thread like a richard dawkings vid - christopher hitchens - harris - dennett - grayling - all these 'Atheists' have legions of fans that gush how great and hugely intelligent intellectual powers they are so on. But THEY are the people that designed thought crime regardless they claim its an anti religion quest. One more - police state psychology using metaphysics as the crime fighting rationale can be seen on more or less any body language channel - i's suggest the most vicious is The Behaviour Panel. The same thing goes on there - they plug / play their fans and lie about what X nose twitch means and Y furrow of forehead etc. - its ALL BS bar a few small truths. But - in a post truth age this seems to be 'all the people deserve' in terms of the quality of their policing, because if you look at the metaphysical nonsense claimed to be useful in proving a persons GUILT - one can see how a Maoist police state has been behaving for quite some time now - these sites are like rolling beta tests / proof on concept for the disappearance of our personal freedoms. I know i'm wrong to post at length - please take care.
Just knowing that others are going through similar problems is a big help. It can seem difficult to share good news, bad news or news about a third party
Thank you for this video. As a partial narcissist your videos really help me to work on myself. I force myself to pay attention to what the other person is telling me. It’s hard work. It’s like my mind just doesn’t want to listen, doesn’t care, and wants to bolt out of that conversation like a wild horse but I reign my listening skills in and force myself not just to hear the words but think about them.
@@peaceglory5973they might have some FLEAs (frightening lasting effects of abuse), I had to unlearn a lot of bad behaviors I picked up in my family of origin after I escaped.
This truly DOES help with understanding the narcissistic sting of confusion, thank you. STING is such a great word for it. No contact and still seeking mental and emotional peace, 18 month's so far. So much healing ahead of me, but thank you for helping in this process.
You nailed it Doctor. Your thoughts really helped me. When I was 14 I fell and broke some fingers. Told my mom who's said "your just looking for attention". 6 weeks later and my fingers bent she finally took me to the doctor. Upon looking my hand over he asked her if she was crazy. Her response was "no I work in a convent". Had no empathy and took no responsibility. In fact I was the stupid one who fell .
Sounds familiar, but for a different reason and it was a small incident. I got hit by a car when I was riding my bicycle. When the ambulance came, it was a woman and a man paramedics who put me in the ambulance. As they were loading me into the back of it, the man said, "Oh, what you wouldn't do for attention!" I think he meant it as a "joke" but I burst into tears because my head was split open and a stranger had to drag me out of the road as I laid in the middle of it with cars driving inches past my head. That paramedic making that comment was too much to process. As if it were my fault a car hit me in traffic. Some people really need to think before they open their mouths. That guy had no empathy whatsoever and shouldn't have been working as a paramedic if he thought a serious road accident was an opportunity to crack "jokes" at an injured person's expense. I still can't believe it. For the record, I was an ambulance driver and a medic in the army years before. No way in hell you say something like that to someone you're transporting to hospital. No way.
@@kdphotos4691🥺🥺 I’m so sorry. When they make “jokes” like this, and you get upset, they’ll usually act like you have no sense of humor and you’re wrong, but really, they’re just being rude and then gaslighting you about it. They just can’t be nice and selflessly focus entirely on someone else.
Omg, it took 6 weeks for your mom to take your broken fingers seriously? That is extremely sad 😥 I hope you're not dealing with her anymore. To me, that is child abuse.
@@kdphotos4691 OMG yes! I was always told I was just being dramatic. When I was about to give birth, the idiot doctor didn't want to come to the hospital so sent me home. I was 3 days overdue. I was in hard labor in a grocery store because the doctor told me to get alcohol to break the labor. When I made it to a relatives home, husband called again and the doctor said to go to hospital and they would break that labor. The stress from this abuse was so severe the contractions were much worse. They finally called an ambulance because I couldn't walk to the car and the hospital was 25 minutes away. When the idiot ambulance came, the paramedics told me if I gave birth they wouldn't help me, I was on my own. They weren't going to do anything so I better hold it in. They were serious. After narc parents, that abuse was really hurtful. I can relate to your experience a bit too. BTW, Doctor never did show to hospital. I was 10 cm. The on call doctor left and the nurse was the only one doing anything. She delivered the baby and my doctor showed up later to examine the baby and got paid big bucks.
Brilliant. The Power to healthily deal with Narcissists is in understanding this nuance. They don't want to DEAL with anyone, ever, and only hear what's useful to them. Just want to scream!
I completely identify with these descriptions amongst the people I have lived with. The more I listen to these descriptions and compare to my life experience, the more I realise that in an increasingly suffering world , insecurity and competitiveness are prevalent and the desperate struggle for survival is becoming the norm. Empathy and putting others before ourselves has become an abnormality. It is being considered a mistake to educate our children as lambs in a society of wolves. When the Titanic is sinking, people are desperately holding on to what they consider as being their frail means of safety and don’t feel strong enough to help others keep afloat. Envy is part of their struggle for survival. They are unable to see the common weal as a way of protecting their own survival and consider the promotion of others as a threat for their own well-being.
I strongly agee anewlife! I was going to comment about the off-the-chain level of LACK OF genuine caring for others, LACK OF genuine willingness to, & actually making a sacrifice for others, & LACK OF genuine empathy for others that we now we see in society, & in so many families. I used the word "genuine" because I've seen that some narcissists work hard to FAKE having empathy. Your comment was spot on. We have a pandemic if you will of: "Me, me, me, I, , I, I. I'm the most important, I'm the biggest, best, & richest. Everyone should serve & adore me. I'm going to brag about all the 'good' I do & money I give out. Look, look, look at my house, my car, my jewelry, my job, my caked on makeup, my show-offy clothes. Oh here, let me manipulate you with my money, eyc., etc." Yet there is NEVER ANY REAL EMPATHY OR CARING THAT IS GENUINE.
Toxic envy seems to be the most prevalent feeling in the narcs I know. At their core they're jealous of everyone else so they spend their entire lives trying to illicit envy from others.
@@michelleduncan9965 we agree, however in all the individuals with a toxic behaviour I have been close to, I have managed to clearly identify the roots of this behaviour. Facing dire situations, some to decide to “fight back” with validation seeking, manipulative behaviours or people pleasing strategies and and others adopt a defensive attitude. All forms of life on this planet rely on solidarity, collaboration and cooperation, mutual support and encouragement. It is a sadly mutilated individual who feels the constant need to practice one-up-man-ship, competition, belittling others and constantly seeking validation. As individuals we can only protect ourselves by becoming conscious of the behaviour. Compensating such deficiencies requires far more than what an individual, even a competent psychologist can offer.
I am exhausted and if it were not for this channel I really don’t know when my mind would be. Thank you for all you give and all the meaningful content ❤
My mother actually says she has hearing problems, to justify her not paying attention to what we say. But if anyone says something she is interested in, even if it's not loud and very far away, then suddenly she can hear even better than most people
Dr. Ramani! You continue to blow the doors off of the intricacies of the entire narcissistic mind. After years of viewing your videos and following your content, I continue to be awestruck and grateful to have experienced it all. As you remind us time and time again, holding on to reality is absolutely the most critical part of surviving narcissistic abuse, and every new video not only lessens the "sting" you mention, but more importantly it reinforces how real the psychological warfare is.
Marvellous Review in support of good doctors pro thought crime strategy via her hypothesis on Narcism - Bravo! Soon the police state will need no reason to arrest anyone for no reason whatsoever based on the type of police state metaphysics discussed in videos like these.
My narcissist translates everything I say into something that makes him the victim. It’s CrAzY how he can take the most benign, safe comment and turn it into me attacking him. The latest was me telling my daughter that I get up early like she does, I’m a morning person. Woooosh. Just like that, it was turned into me insulting him. I’m like, what the hell.
14 years insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narcissist.... he never heard me. I worked out after such a long time that he didn't care. Really didn't care. In fact the only thing he enjoyed was my discomfort. It was a harsh reality. Happy joyous and free since June 2017
“What they hear is distorted”. Amen to that! THEY DO NOT CARE. PERIOD. Don’t share anything good or negative with them. They will probably receive the bad news better than the good things going on. My mother tends and caters to my narcissistic sister, but she blatantly disregards and dismisses me but always makes sure she has an audience. Very twisted. I used to feel embarrassed and ashamed for myself, but now I feel that FOR HER. Anything that is good and pure, all the things she taught me to be, she hates about me now as an adult. It kills me but I have to accept it, and move on.
This is so me. My mom completely ignores me and she'll cater to my sister and treats my sister boyfriend better than me. Whenever I try to talk to her it just gets worse. No one believes me when it comes to anyone who knows her. Its as if she planted this seed along time ago. I'm the crazy one.... What you wrote meant a lot and I'm really sorry your going through it too.
I'm learning more useful things about life/toxic people with this youtube channel than I did through all of school and University. This channel is so good.
This was another excellent video, Dr. Ramani. The day I realized how competitive the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist that I have known for 34 years is still mind-boggling to me today. This one evening I was busy multi-tasking with helping our young girls with homework while cooking dinner and cleaning the house, as a lot of mothers do, when the idiot comes up real close to my ear and whispers "You can't outdo me!", and then he proceeded to give the girls some spending money?! I was completely stunned and confused to say the least! Since when did parenting your children become a "competition"?! It was definitely one of those eye-opening moments of who the hell I was really dealing with. They don't listen, and when they do, what they hear is what they want to hear and not what you said at all. They are contemptible people who haven't got a respectable bone in their body! They really only care about themselves...period.
It's like you want to say "Oh great! Hey kids, Daddy's going to help you with the rest of your homework, cook the rest of the meal, and pick up doing the housework! And he has some money for you!" And go sit down or do whatever it was he'd been doing; watching TV? Grab the remote and enjoy the sofa. He was punishing you for having the full attention and perhaps, the smiles, of the children. Waah! They weren't fawning over him, and he didn't like that. Couldn't let it stand.
@M_SC , thank you for your concern; however, today, I am grateful for this ""moment" in life because it helped me to 'wake up' to see who I was really with in this relationship. There were many more eye-opening moments, too, but now I see through any and all BS of a narcissist. 👊
@tracyoconnell7224 You are so right about having the children fawning all over him. He did love that when they were little, but they grew up and saw him for what he truly is today, and now they want nothing to do with him. I am guessing that this happens to a lot of narcissists. 🫤
Yes, parenting is always a competition for them. Mine never supported or helped me much while the kids were at infant stage. But once they were able to talk and communicate, he'd tell them that your mother is lazy and all kinds of negative stuff about me. So glad I've left him after 10 years of marriage.
Great job, Dr. R:) If they're desperate for supply, they can fake interest when they have to. Yes, you can tell they really don't give a flip about you or anyone else's life, success, tragedies, friendship, or affinity. The only connections they care about are those who make them look hot. Live for others to envy them:(
Great video. I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why I am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
Who is the narcissist? Either way it sounds like an unhealthy relationship and why the marriage is OVER. Let it go and work on yourself. Get healthy and work on yourself!
All of this is true, although it sounds insane. Of course some people cannot understand us! So much drama with them, and they blame it on everybody else. I am mostly healed, but I will keep on watching Dr Ramani , because some days I forget how much I've endured...
I cannot thank you enough for all you share. I have been married to one for 26 years. Recently finding your information has been so helpful and the first relief ever. I am stunned that almost every single thing you say, I have lived and heard, ad nauseam. I've been living stunned to hear my life recounted here. How sad to learn there are others living this life too. God bless you!
My late mother used to lash out at us for no reason, accuse me of things I never do and destroy my reputation behind me just because she think I don't listen/do what she said. It was purely madness. There were no way to appease her and workaround it to avoid the foreseeable lashing out. Eventually what I did was to keep myself busy at work and continued to live my life. Narcissistic abuses are truely damaging and hurtful.
Wow. Dr. Ramani, you continue to teach me so many valuable things. I have often said that my mother is simply not interested in my sister and me, and people who don’t have experience with a narcissistic parent can’t believe it. But throughout my life, she has reacted to what I say in each of these ways: diminishing my accomplishments (even when I was a child); complaining about how things that happened to me affected her (her first remark when I told her that my husband was leaving me was to say, “oh no, what I am I going to do with those neckties I bought him for Christmas?”); “forgetting” that I told her about an upcoming trip or an important event; and all the while complaining bitterly that “you never tell me what’s going on in your life.” I’ve learned through experience that the only things she hears are those that provides a hook for her to trot out one of her own stories, or those that she uses to brag about me to her friends (while never saying anything positive to me). This video puts this all into context: she is only able to hear that which provides her with narcissistic supply.
This makes a lot of sense. As a single woman who was narc’d at the tender age of 17-19 ..I learnt SO much how to navigate these kinds of people and it made me hyper-aware and sensitive to the red flags. Needless to say, I never married and I’m currently single. I’d rather be single than unhappily married and it’s SO difficult to find your person.
Just now starting to peek through the clouds at what I can still be after losing everything and thanking you Dr. Ramani. One can be completely stifled by the sheer cruelty of a narc/x who are able to use your children against you. Never underestimate how a narc can hurt you in a way where you find yourself in a very dark, deep hole of loss, and self pity. Feeling like everything you know is for a different life, and is now irrelevant. They will take what holds your heart together and unravel it by seemingly pulling just one thread, and they will do it with grace and a smile. They will always be revealed by a boisterous laugh and a throwing back of the head. We can survive this. All of us. Prayers and well wishing for survivors.🙏🕊
Thank you for your prayers & consideration of all who have been rendered drained of physical & emotional energy by a narcissist! Please know that you matter & we need the understanding & support of others on a healing path!! God Bless you & keep you safe & healthy!! 🙏🏻🥰🦋
Once you recognize what you’re dealing with and you still choose to stay around that person or your stuck around that person, please lower your expectations of them. This helps to take some of the sting away. Find things and people that you enjoy, let that be your main focus. Eventually you will be able to tune out the negativity and boy will the weight and upset be lifted 😊🙏🏽❤️
Mom enjoys correcting me when I am trying to talk. For example I’ll say, “we went to Hawaii for about 2 weeks,” and she’ll interject, “it was 12 days!” Or I’ll say to the family, “I had grandmas table restored, how great it’s been in the family since the 1940’s” and Mom will interrupt my sentence again and say, “it was made in 1939!” So I get so tired of trying to speak at the dinner table that I give up. (Which I now realize is likely her goal all along).
Narcissist is a form of psychopath right? I'm one of them empathic types and I get gotta say dealing with a narcissist is rough cause all you can do is keep an empty smile plasterd on your mug and mutter "yeah uh-huh" once in awhile. Sometimes you have to deal with them and it's so hard sometimes to not just blurt out "Dude you are LYING".
This is so helpful! A vp I report to suddenly turned her angry attention toward me and my team and is questioning even the need for our positions and work we do. I’ve tried to remain calm and explain things from my perspective but her responses are absurd and harshly personal. Now I get why- she sees us as competing with her instead of as a valuable department asset. These narc people are exhausting!
Oftentimes when a narc asks me a question, they already have an expectation of what my answer will be. If I say anything other than what they expected, they don't hear it. They often rephrase the question in hopes that I will change the answer. My answer doesn't change, so then they get mad and frustrated, acting like I'm the bad communicator. Gladly these convos aren't as common as they used to be, after going no contact/gray rock.
I’ve always likened what they hear to Charlie Brown’s teacher….”Wa wahh, wah wah, wa wa wa wa”….unless of course you’re saying things that are helping their ego swell, or assuaging their ego that has been bruised by something. I’ve discussed many times on my little-RU-vid-channel-that-could, that to try to explain anything to a narcissist, or to even just spend a millisecond trying to discuss something of importance to you, will go absolutely nowhere. They won’t listen. They’ll be on their phone, or looking off in the distance. They certainly will NEVER, EVER display empathy or concern of any kind. They will not display happiness for you, because they’re jealous you have something that excites you, something they don’t have. The conversation will go back to them, or they’ll check out. Often times, we find ourselves succumbing and allowing the return to their needs, because we’re just exhausted, insulted, and hurt. Thank you once again, Dr. Ramani for bringing to light another dysfunction they possess. Every word she ever speaks is exactly what needs to be said. I just love her.
@@davidtriplett8105No no no no, David! Never call yourself that. I tell my audience all the time…..you were not stupid or dumb or a loser, as you say…..you were DUPED. There’s a huge difference. They’re entire goal was to manipulate you, in order to ensnare you. Please give yourself credit for finally learning the truth, and go forward taking steps to protect yourself from ever letting it happen again, including with another narcissist right behind this one. That can happen, unless we do the work to know how to spot them. Stay strong, and chin up.
@@reneeflamand8991 thanks I appreciate you being supportive. All I can do is be a resource for my children and improve myself and put distance between me and her.
I also think that they can listen but just don’t care and then, out of the blue they can bring up exactly what you said if it is useful to manipulate you into doing something they want or agreeing with them. Just saying!
They certainly will use anything and everything they can to manipulate, Michelle, even if that means they have to draw on the scraps of something they managed to retain in a conversation you had with them. Truly listening, however, involves empathy, and we know they have none.
Taking baby steps to come out. But after 25 years it is truly an up hill task. I request for everybody's prayers. Thank you. Dr Ramani's videos are a great help.👍
