What type of therapy works best to help you heal from a narcissistic relationship? 

Rule #1: avoid therapists who are themselves narcissistic or borderline. Sadly there are many.

Dr. Ramani, you should create a school or a course for all the therapist around the world to learn how to help their patients who suffer this type of abuse.

My 1st therapist said, “Well we don’t want to label people.” When she said, “You know, some people thrive in narcissistic relationships.” That was our last session.

Therapy, yoga, meditation, detachment, no contact, working out, educating myself... this is what I focused on to get my power back. Focusing on yourself is key!

The therapist told me to simply stop playing victim. Hence why I am so very grateful for these videos online and the community, they have helped immensely in the healing journey.

“After going through narcissistic abuse, people don’t always trust their instincts. Let this be the day and let this be the process that leads you to start to trust yours.”

a psychiatrist once told me that my "perception" of my mother as a narcissist was due to my underlying mental health problems..and when I went to therapy after a divorce from my narcissistic ex husband, the therapist told me that she felt we were both equally responsible, and that I must've been sending him mixed signals for him to act the way he did 😳😤...I'm a licensed counselor myself, and would never say these things to any of my clients! they were legit gaslighting me in a space that is meant to be safe.

In a way, just being away from them is great therapy lol. It’s like you’re 75% better just because they’re not around.

This is such a problem. Back when I was 16 and managed to sneak myself into therapy under the false pretense of tackling my ADHD, when actually I went to discuss my parents, the therapist, god bless 'im, actually suggested bringing my parents INTO THERAPY WITH ME. I laughed outloud when he first suggested it, and told him that wasn't going to happen. They'd never agree and they'd make a scene. But, he managed to convince me into it, filling me with dangerous hope that "maybe they're more understanding than you think." All of us children of narcissists know how dangerous hope is with these relationships. Went home to suggest it, my mother freaked the hell out. She chucked laundry and shoes at me and shrieked at the top of her lungs about how I'm trying to "ruin her life" and that they're only paying for therapy for me because "you're the crazy one, not me." Dad was equally appalled, though he was more of an "appearances" narc than a violent one like my mom. But, they agreed after sleeping on it the next day. I should have suspected something, but I didn't. Too full of hope. They went to the therapy session, and caused an embarrassing scene. The therapist tried to talk to them, and they basically declared that they were paying him to fix me and not them, screamed at me AND at him, then finally stormed out after maybe 10 minutes, slamming the door behind them. Me and him just sat in awkward silence for about a minute before he turned to me and sort of lamely said, "I'm so sorry." He ended the session early, and I got back in the car we all drive together in, and they spent the car ride home cackling, making fun of the therapist, and telling me that they hoped I realized nothing was going to change. After I was exposed, they refused to pay for my therapy any further so, being a 16 year old, I was forced to terminate since I couldn't pay. I just hope that interaction taught that therapist something, and I hope he never forgot.

I had a couples therapist ( I was almost ready to admit I wanted a divorce from the narcissist) He only went to therapy- after me asking him for years- only because he relapsed (he's an alcoholic as well) and his job was in jeopardy. His new emotional supply was his work, so he went. Our therapist said " well you guys have already been together for 9 years, you don't want to throw that away!" I was so shocked- she was pushing the sunken cost fallacy on me. That's how ppl stay on bad relationships and bad investments. People want to change the outcome of a bad decision by putting more energy or money into it. Just cut your losses and run, don't waste any more time. You can't make people love you by giving them more of what they already don't appreciate.

By now whenever somebody tells me I shouldn't diagnose people since I am not a therapist I tell them I am not diagnosing anybody...narcissist is just a nicer way to say ass*ole

The biggest thing I just learned is that the trauma bond is just like being a drug addict. That. That completely resonates with me. And now I really believe I can move forward.

You need a trauma informed therapist, for sure. Someone who understands PTSD. Someone who combines DBT with ACT. A therapist focussing on self compassion and who knows how to help you work on that. A therapist who also models what setting healthy boundaries looks like, "defends" you from yourself when you beat yourself up emotionally, and who helps you to practice self compassion so that you can naturally set healthy boundaries. Because folks like us HATE the thought of boundaries, as we think they destroy connection and are "unnatural". A good therapist will make it easy for you to ease into this through ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) in a way that does not FEEL like you are putting up walls. They will give you terminology that works for you: for example, mine gave me the phrase, "drawing a line in the sand." The word "boundaries" made me think of concrete walls that I could not connect to the world thru, whereas a line in the sand (in my consciousness) still allows me to see everything. Get a therapist who can help you say to yourself compassionately, "I am a trauma survivor." I found that after I could say this, it freed up everything in my body, mind and heart to actually grieve. Whereas before, my grief was laced with so many other emotions....which isn't inherently bad, but for me it wasn't as productive as when the grief finally hit in a very direct way. Thank you SO much, Dr. Ramani, for all that you do. You really help us all.

One thing that has worked for me is recording myself saying my affirmations, and then listening to the recording every morning after meditation. It has worked to really build love and confidence in myself and also shatter the cognitive dissonance that I had about the narcissists in my life.

Dr. Ramani, I'm a therapist and have been watching your channel for years. You have helped me so much with my personal healing journey, as well as my growth as a therapist working with narcissist abuse survivors. I struggle so much with finding other therapists who support narcissistic abuse work. Most don't understand the complexity of narcissism. Thank you so much for the work you do! This specific video provided so much validation in what I've been trying so hard to communicate to other therapists, including supervisors. Thank you!

I went to a therapist to figure out what I needed to do to save my marriage. We started by working on my self-worth and she recommended a book for me to take a look at. As my sense of self worth grew I realized I didn’t want to save my marriage. She helped me understand what was going on around me in my life. She helped me make sense of the craziness. When I was ready she supported my leaving. I was lucky.

Dr Ramani as a clinician I’m waiting for your training for us . After watching you I’ve completed an additional certificate and continue to learn to practice best with my clients . I’m also teaching my grad students, I don’t want them to exit grad school like I did without this info , it’s horrifying to think of the gaslighting and damage that can be done .

My therapist has a "day job" working at the VA, so she sees the affects of trauma/PTSD all the time. She helped me understand what I was going through in a really caring way. She did say directly to me, "you are being gaslighted," which was a huge shift in perspective for me. I am so thankful for her support.

I would warn against "trauma informed" therapists. Always look at the therapists personal beliefs and agendas. For example, they may be trauma informed but deny such things as narcissism or betrayal trauma. Also may believe in parental alienation and that children are better off with both parents no matter the circumstances. So remember that therapists are people and pay attention to you gut when they are telling you something that just feels off, denies or contradicts your experience.

I told my therapist what was happening how I was being treated etc. She listened but just heard me like mirroring back. I think it was CBT she was doing but said but what do I do? She said stay. I stopped seeing her. We went to marriage counseling and he had charts and how to appreciate each other etc. Well what I needed to do was get away from an angry nasty man. And I did. Therapists need to read people and situations not apply a general methodology! It's only when I found you I finally figured it out!

One of the first things we tell victims trying to leave abusers--don't go to therapy with them! Yes, many therapists are not only invalidating, they keep us trapped. I went to many therapists during my 19 year narcissistic marriage. "Your husband loves you, you are misinterpreting his behavior." smh Therapists want to tell you you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Abuse victims are making molehills out of mountains. We need to be drawn out.

Got invalidated by psychiatrists and therapists for over 10 years now! Saying some how it seemed I was “overreacting”, “too sensitive”, “not behaving normally” yikes! I was put on medication for schizophrenia because my shrink was convinced I was making up my nmom’s words and coercive control.. sigh gaslit by my shrink. It took another couple of years and few better therapists who finally started not judging me and listening to what I had to say. Thank u thank u thank u Dr. Ramani!🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️

Therapists have done so much damage to my recovery. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to therapy. But survivorship groups, support groups and shamanism has helped way more than therapy has.

I had a male "Christian counselor" that said I was "just as much at fault" as my husband (ex now). Thankfully I found a counselor that understood narcissism.... she helped me to leave and recover.

I am always hesitant to bring up the abuse bc I feel like people will judge me for victimizing myself AND that I’m probably not right about them being narcissistic. And the narcissist is so good at doing things in a way where if you tell someone what they did, it doesn’t seem like a bad thing. I am having a hard time finding a good therapist.

Sadly, there are not a lot of therapists who are even trained to define personality disorders, or are too afraid of consequences when it comes to treating Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapist diagnosed the differences between Borderline and BiPolar disorder in the first session I had with her 3 years ago. I have a daughter with BiPolar disorder and one with BPD. Her support and understanding have been phenomenal because BPD is a twisted terrain. Hard to navigate, but the support of watching you, Dr. Ramani , has been a cornerstone of my on-going recovery. Thank you for your wisdom and for not “talking down” to people. Your language style and depth of content are reassuring that intelligent life forms are present and can guide us through this volatile situation.

Finding the right therapist is key. My daughter’s therapist told me, she was never going to get better if her home was not a place of safety. She then said I had a big decision to make. That’s when I realized that I had to separate from her dad. Many signs before that, but that was the final push I needed. My child’s mental health came first. Note: this appt was after her release from a hospital for self harm

She really got me from day one. The most important thing for me was going no contact. Otherwise I kept getting emotionally battered and could never heal. I started therapy 2 years later. My "wounds" are 60 years old. Good luck to everyone who suffered or is suffering right now. Remember it is not our fault❤

My counselor used to said to, "no matter how good a husband is, will never be enough for you". that's the 1st & last I talk to her. that's so triggering me because I did everything best I could until I'm physically & mentally drained. she'll never understand what i've been through..

Dr. Ramani, after watching countless videos of you speaking on this topic, I feel no one would compare to you. And that's okay! Finally learning to set my expectations and standards higher. Coming from a very narcissistic family and then being in narcissistic relationships over the years, crumbs were all I felt I deserved. I now have set my standards higher, including any therapist that I go to. I just wish I was in the same city as you and I would be on your doorstep. 😊 Keep up the good work! You are healing a lot of people. ❤️

Find something you’re passionate about and focus on that.

I had a therapist that I started seeing that told me that I needed to stop being a victim when I was telling her the abuse that I was getting from my narcissistic ex. 🙄 I dropped her after the third session, and I found a therapist who after hearing my story asked if I had ever heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. After she said that, the card fell into place and I realized I was with a very toxic narcissist and she helped me to break free of him. Finding a therapist who gets it is absolutely key to getting over the abuse from these individuals.

I recently met with a therapist because I was ending a relationship with a narcissist after 3 years. I had tried to end it several times this last year but kept going back and needed help to finish it completely- she knew this prior to our first session. During our first and only session her response to me stating he is emotionally abusive and has narcissistic tendencies was to say "everyone has narcissistic tendencies, I have narcissistic tendencies, you do too" I felt discounted and ignored- pretty familiar feeling by now. When I explained the ways he gaslighted me she said in a manor I took as condemning "Why haven't you just left him?" I wanted to yell out "because he groomed me"- she knew I had tried to leave him. Today is the 8th day I have had him blocked without any contact. I ended it by phone and told him to give all my stuff to Godwill. I told him I was too sensitive for the relationship so he could just focus on blasting me for that and it wouldn't affect me much because I knew any person on this earth is too sensitive for that relationship, so it didn't actually hurt me and the fact that he went straight to unloading on me for that just proved yet again that he doesn't care about my feelings or any truth, he will just grab whatever comment he can to hurt me, confuse me, or punish me regardless of the truth. We are stronger and smarter now. We are survivors!

I've practiced journaling, blogging, art and gardening between sessions. Learning herbalism helped a lot. Same with domestic violence groups.

The advice I got was the need for "healthy, honest conversation" to share views and move to compromise. The therapist could not understand when I said, "That will not be helpful. Anything I say like that will only come back onto me in double force later. I will be punished in some way." I could see the therapist looking oddly at me. Back then, I didn't know what it was I was dealing with, but I sure did know it was pointless to make myself vulnerable!

Amen to point #2! The first therapist I saw was trained cognitive behavioral, and the thing that I felt hampered my recovery was her discounting my history of what happened. She was extremely focused on the moment and the past didn't really matter. It mattered to me! I had to deal with a narc mother who gaslighted me into thinking the world was an evil place where no one could be trusted. It lead to many years of trust issues with friends, classmates, teachers, boyfriends, co-workers and bosses. Validating someone's past trauma with a narc is vital and should never be swept under the rug.

The thing I’ve experienced most from the numerous counselors I’ve seen is silencing and invalidation. The one I was forced to see recently won’t allow me to talk about the abuse and the fact of the matter is that though it’s been so many years in “therapy “ I haven’t talked about any of it. This was partially due to the fact that I was so traumatized I blocked out my memories until I was almost 60. I couldn’t remember anything. But some of it was because the “therapists “ didn’t really want to hear about it. They silenced me just like my abusers did. It’s been a horrible experience with them. None of them knew how to handle someone as traumatized as me. Without money in America I found you get the worst of the worst as far as therapists go.

Being gaslit by the world at large is one of the reasons I've endured so much trauma and abuse by so many different people and it's one of the main reasons why I didn't know that leaving was even an option.

In the last 23 years of “counseling” I have NEVER ONCE had a therapist EVER even use the terms: Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse or even Gaslighting. If fact, MOST of them gaslighted me!!! 😭🤬😭🤬😭

Things that have been helpful with recovery from my narcissistic relationship are listening to myself, taking care of my hormonal levels, eating healthy, but also letting myself eat something I crave in a moment, spending time with my puppy, taking a ballet class, reading, talking to friends who have an understating of this, taking CBG & CBD, meditation, yoga, jogging, reading, praying, lying in bed and getting myself cozy up whenever I feel like, being able to work from home and have flexible hours, journaling, listening to good music, meeting new friends, spending time in nature and taking walks, writing songs and singing, and of course, watching almost all Dr. Ramani's videos 🥰

I'm luckily enough to have a awesome counselor that recognized i was with a narcissists with the first visit.

I’m seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, and she told me “at least he didn’t hit you or steal your money”. Then she told me that the narcissist was merely annoying and not abusive. She told me to consider that I needed to change my thoughts and realize that people don’t always behave the way I want them to. It was really invalidating and frustrating.

My first therapist decided for me I had to work on the 'ungrounded anxiety' around my abuser. She shared with me that my enabling stepfather had sent her a letter I was not allowed to read, flapping it in front of me stating that he was very worried about me and frankly, after reading it, she was too. I had to suffer months of desentesisation therapy getting increasingly anxious and depressed because not even my therapist would create a safe space for me. Now that Im looong out and healed, Im flabbergasted by this lack of professionalism. In the end, a supportive emdr therapist helped me beat ptsd and restored my faith in the idea of therapy

After walking away from my narc family, i started a fresh. Spending time alone, learning a new language and i'm restarting my education as my mother didn't want me to go to college. For once in my life i have a choice and i'm making the most of it.

Yes therapist dismissed my questions about the abuse. More gaslighting. Ha

7 years ago I was dismissed by our marriage counselor, fast forward to 7 months ago it became violent. The State charged him with domestic violence and I went no contact. Thank goodness for you and the trauma specialist I had access to for months after the ER visit

Just realizing my sister was the narcissistic in the family. Everything I’m learning from narcissism (from Dr. Ramani) looking back I see it all! I’m 43 and I suffer from the abuse she did to me, that I never saw! Everybody should know about this! Thank you Dr. Ramani, Naomi

This video helps so much. I am still upset, yet self-blaming about a therapist experience several years back. She was recommended highly, has more "letters after her name" than you can count. She told me I never had to visit my narcissistic father again. I made it for three months, then saw him and he got to me and upset me. When I told her, she actually took a box of tissues, placed them atop her knee, then asked "Do you know what you did with my advice?" I said, "What?"....She then smacked the box of tissues across the room to show me what I had done. I began to cry. It was so jarring, upsetting. Those who know of, or have been to, this therapist discount my feelings, my actions in quitting working with her, etc. I will probably still blame myself, but this video helped validate my feelings and decision to leave. Thank you.

My therapist asked what “hoovering” was, I had to school her for a second, finding a therapist who gets it is so IMPORTANT. I’m still going to keep going to her but sometimes I just don’t know if I should stick with her or someone else

I love the cat who pops in 😍. I'm a trainee psychotherapist in the UK and my interest in narcissism and Dr Ramani came about from having left a narcissistic relationship, and what I suffered. its definitely not taught in the curriculum, I want to be a therapist who is well informed on this topic

Feeling, taking space for myself is the most imoortant thing that I came across, feeling is a whole journey, of coming out of my head and into my body, cause the body doesn't lie and this is where I can build my confidence and support of knowing what is true vs false, what is sane vs insane, what is healthy vs unhealthy, what is nurturing vs unnuturing etc

One of the biggest issues I had with therapists who didn't understand narcissism was that they assumed I just didn't know how to have healthy relationships. As in for example they assumed I knew nothing about things like communication and boundaries. Without me even asking them to they turned the therapy sessions into basically lectures where they sat there and taught me how to do my part in a healthy relationship. I thought a lot of what they said wasn't necessarily bad. A lot of it was things that felt like common sense and that I had already been implementing in my normal relationships which was going well. Sometimes it did seem like they were talking down to me and assuming I was kind of dumb, especially when they said sort of obvious things like, "It's wrong when someone lies to you." I'm not saying I didn't hear anything halfway decent from these lectures I'm just saying 1. I didn't ask for them, 2. Most of it was kind of obvious stuff which also felt kind of condescending at times, and most importantly 3. Advice on how to have healthy relationships with non-narcissistic people really does not apply to relationships with narcissists. Even the parts that kind of apply just feel completely different in the context of a narcissistic relationship. So it always felt "off" when these lectures happened because I felt like these therapists not only probably shouldn't have been lecturing me when I didn't ask them to but they also really didn't understand the context of what I was coming to them with.

Thank you for providing such great information & compassion to the world. You are truly a light in the darkness.

I found that I have given myself hobbies...pampering time and focusing on myself...I found so much understanding and comfort from your videos....your so educated in this field dr ramani...I have chosen you as my therapist, self healing with your videos is doing it for me. X

The right therapist here is key! I had one who did nothing for me, read emails from my ex and asked how it made me feel… my new one addresses the emails, gives me strategies to deal with my ex who is a narc, points out the gaslighting, the blameshifting, assures me that I am not crazy despite my ex’s attempt to make me sound and be crazy!! My therapist GETS IT!!! I am beyond thankful for her!!! I hope you all find the right one to start healing too!! Stay strong!!!

Dr. Ramani, thank you for all your videos. Life changer for me. I grew up in a narcissistic family. I was the scape goat in my family. Lots of trauma from which i am still recovering. I was very lucky that in my late 40s I started therapy with a loving and nonjudgmental therapist. What a life changer. I still struggle internally to be strong and to put strong boundaries with my parents and siblings. Guilt is the hardest thing to work on. But with the help of my therapist and your videos i am getting better. Thank you so much for all you do!❤️

I had already listened to this video a few weeks ago, and I even took a few notes, but I came back to listen again because my new-ish therapist just asked my opinion about how she could help me more, in what ways she could help and support me. Being abused by multiple narcs had left me feeling unable to advocate for myself. I had lost the ability to even fathom that I had the right to think of my own needs, let alone thinking of a list of things that I needed from anyone. And even if I could think of what I needed, saying them aloud is traumatizing, like I'm endangering myself by speaking them aloud. So I have a lot trouble answering that type of question. But listening to Dr R helps me wrap my brain around thinking about what I really need from a therapist.

It's infuriating and makes for a very inadequate experience. I have my personal stories and I've given up trying to find support from a therapist which costs money, and a waste if you don't get what you need. The best help for me is to just keep listening to videos, reading, and I've devised ways of selfcare that are valuable to me. I'm lonely though because there is no one that really knows me, gets it, or appreciates what I'd love to be able to share. People are sooo cagey. I hate to have to learn from trying to get to know someone, only to find that it's been time spent finding out that it's not working

You are God sent, Dr. Ramani!🙏🏻🙏🏻🤗

There are a lot of therapists who will invalidate you then claim "It is my job to challenge you". If they need to justify and excuse it as 'challenging you' they are doing it WRONG. A challenge should not cause us harm, it should simply help us think about something from a different perspective and we have the right to agree or disagree with it. My therapist challenges me and I LOVE it because it's poignant, measured, gentle and helpful. Even when I have disagreed with the alternative view she proposes she listens and validates me. I know she cares and I always feel safe with her.

The thing is: it is such complex trauma where abuse happens systematically day in day out for years, and when it happened in childhood it is deeply intertwined with the forming of personality and all aspects of functioning in the adult life. Standard trauma therapy works when trauma can be located to 1 specific day and hour, and is more focusing on numbing it down, than learning from the experience. Triggers are like wormholes to (otherwise isolated and suppressed) traumatic experiences, but triggers hardly happen during a therapy session. It feels like you have fallen into deep waters without ever having learned to swim, drowning, again and again. Your survival-instinct will take over and there's no room for anything else than that. It's very hard to make contact with the wise part of yourself that could talk you through it, be there for you, empowering yourself, attending your needs and best interests, setting healthy boundaries, with self respect, self-love, self-confidence, self-trust, self-worth. It's like the survival part is screaming right in your ear while the wise part is merely a soft distant murmuring. When Triggers would be used in combination with regression therapy, accessing an otherwise isolated deep part of yourself, going through it again, but with the difference that this time you will say, do, act in line with self-love, self-respect, and so on. Learning what you never learned to do. Standing in your own power, knowing that from this place, the outside world can not get to you; you are safe within your own healthy boundaries. This is my perspective in the context of my own experiences in ptsd and 10 years of unsuccessful Mainstream therapy.

After over 20 years in a marriage with covert narcissistic abuse, being dragged into couples counseling with a counselor whom he was able to manipulate and control sessions, finding a doctor who skillfully led my recovery, went back to school to become a therapist myself to help others who have gone through this hell, i am so surprised now how many clients report their prior therapists have done these things. Knowledge and education about recovering from this abuse is so much needed. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for your work. I have been watching your videos for a long time which have been a great help in my continuing recovery and finally have courage to comment online.

After a 10 year relationship and three couple therapies, I concluded therapy is just not for me. Never was the word “abuse” uttered. Never did they mentioned I did not deserve the constant yelling & insulting. I believe this happened because therapists are trained not to confront but to make the patient come into his own realization of the problem. That never happened for patient narcisist but left me feeling like an intolerant, exagerated, nor commited partner. I had to convince him to go to three therapies and at the end the real problem was never named. Ted talks and this channel are the only placed I’ve found that put a name to a terrible, unacceptable behavior that keeps going on two years after we signed the divorce. Now, the flawd legal system is his best ally on keeping the economic and mental abuse going on and on.

I was 4 years in an abusuve relationship with a therapist and one year with an ineffective one. My whole family is a narcissistic tragedy, as well as my coubtry's elected government.

I've always been into music 🎵🎶 and playing my drums 🥁 is my airplane, thanks DR RAMANI and survivors and thrivers 🙏

I ran into a therapist, and another one, who after hearing just a few things, even tho these were very clear examples of obvious abuse, suggested me that I can have codependent personality and shifted the blame of abuse just right on me. At first I was puzzled, shocked even. I was an independent thinker since I was a kid, a truth teller, I guess, honest but caring, I knew the difference between telling the truth and hurting others, nobody who really knows me couldn't produce such absurd statement. I'm just struggling so hard right now to escape this controlling monsters! Yet this "professionalist" told me not knowing the whole story that I "glued" myself first to the narc husband and his narc family and now, going thru the divorce, i glued myself to my sister. (Side note: He left me after a surgery with nothing, without any warning and thankfully my sister can help me with some stuff, that's normal human behaviour, to help each other in hard times, isn't it?). Glued? Whoa! Hold your horses. Come again? I well hate this that I haven't noticed right away what I got into but for God's sake, it's not easy when you fall in love and fall prey to such viscious people, bc that is what's happened - I was being brain-washed and gaslit for few years not by one person but by a whole bunch of them, coordinated! I got very messed up after the session with that "therapist" but thanks to you, Dr Ramani, and few other normal people around, I got back to sanity. It's already hard enough to deal with all the harmful brain-washing effects of such abuse and when you seek for help you get what? What I am saying is, if you seek for therapy, be awared that many "professioanlists" out there are not professional at all and thanks to Dr Ramani, that she is speaking this crucial truth!

I’m glad you brought up how therapist can invalidate your experience with a narcissist. My therapist did help me realize how I could adjust my boundaries, however I did feel invalidated when I first brought it up to her. I explained how I had experienced emotional abuse with a family member and as I was venting, she stopped me and said “let’s not make this person a monster, and try to see my role which will tell why they may be treating you this way”. I was willing to see my part but I was also uncomfortable with the fact that she said i was making this person out to be a monster when I was simply explaining their behavior. I mean, if she says I made them a “monster”, their behavior was obviously violently unjust!

My therapist was solely focused on cbt he just wanted to reprogram my thinking. Putting all the blame on me. He was basically gaslighting me from the very first session so I had to leave him for my sanity. About 5 months later I came across you channel And started watching your videos which has helped me to make sense of my life and recover from the abuse. Still working on my attachment issues and trauma bonding. Thanks for your magnificent work. You have guided me through the worst times of my life and I will always be grateful for that,wish you good health so you can continue your great work Thanks for doing this

Its the invalidation of defending my abusive parents who PAY them.

I am a therapist but also have my own stories and I am interested in learning the credentials when they are created to be considered a narcissistic abuse expert…. Please keep us posted Dr. Ramani

Two therapists told me that my mother "simply was afraid of losing me". I had not even said that I thought she might be a narcissist. How nice, you seek help and the therapist takes the side of your abuser...

My experience has been really brutal.. Married 45 years, 2 adult daughters. My husband was tragically killed in a helicopter crash .…1 day after learning of his death we learned he had been living with another woman for 7 years, splitting his week with me. We were beyond shocked. Your videos have opened my eyes to the narcissistic patterns and lies in my marriage. How does learning about adultery after the death of the narcissist change my recovery? Starting trauma therapy Monday🙏

I'm still recovering from my childhood narcissistic family, I have found learning to love myself and belief in myself enough to not allow anyone to mistreat me again has helped me regain my inner strength. I have made a promise to my self that I will never abandon myself and will always have my own back. Still healing but better then where I was so... progress right lol.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ In weekly therapy 15 months with a good one. Once I told my narc of 38 years that I won’t live this way any more, I chose individual therapy first “to make sure I wasn’t crazy”, first. It’s taken 15 months to find myself significantly healed inside. It’s totally different and marvelous, the way I experience life. Dr. Ramani and this community form a large part of my support. I had to backspace a lot here; for now, I will just say I practice between sessions when a situation arises that corresponds to a tip or insight from the last session; and I reflect a bit ASAP after I leave the session on what they said, to remember it. Example: for unhelpful thoughts, I yell silently, “STOP! I get to choose how I inhabit my day.” I did it while listening to this video when negative self-talk tried to creep in the back door of my mind, habituated by a lifetime of harsh criticisms from narcissistic. 😂 And that was the short version. Thank you, Dr. R and everyone for helping me to remember daily that I don’t have to buy what every Tom, Narc, and Harry is selling.

Dr. Ramani you are spot on. I just signed up with Better Help 2 weeks ago motivated by your videos. And the therapist was like oh how do you know they are a narcissist? We don’t self diagnose! We don’t assign labels! Let’s change your thinking etc. Now I’m signed up to see a therapist who focuses on trauma wish me luck 🍀

The best therapy after suffering narcissistic abuse is you Dr Ramani ❤️

An issue that I had when I was in therapy DURING my abuse, was that I sought out a therapist to help me with my existing issues (bpd symptoms, so I sought out dbt). My therapist eventually switched gears on the dbt and went more into crisis mode with me, and she was absolutely instrumental in helping me leave, HOWEVER it took ME realizing that I was using dbt skills to cope with being abused, and verbalising that to her. I think the way that I was framing my experiences, and the parts I was choosing to include, were inhibiting her awareness, probably in part because it isn't her area or expertise. There's soooo much work that goes into trying to sus out existing or unrelated mental health issues vs. awareness/symptoms of abuse. Even though they obviously play off of each other, they are not the same thing. I'm considering writing a letter to the dbt clinic, not to criticize my therapist, but just to share my experience because it seems like a dangerous and common issue with dbt. I've also seen people speak on how they felt they were being taught to cope with structural abuses, like racism, by using dbt, which... in some ways it can give someone more power in their day to day emotional experience, but also seems like a form of self-gaslighting.

“Therapy is your space, your story, your experience!”+💙

Narcissistic abuse has caused me to seek counseling. Sadly the first person I went to blamed me. (I did not know atthe time to call it narcissism.. I did realize a personality disorder was a factor.) Finally, I did see someone who used CBT. It helped! Also, some narcissists are alcoholics, the case with me, and Al-anon helps. Still would like to find someone trained on narcissistic abuse. (The narcissist isn't a partner but a family member who I have backed off from but have to speak with on occasion. All narc techniques are still attempted, even though I don't respond. Only respond in 'functional' ways. )

self love was the best start.

Your the only Therapist that I truly listen to every single word to say and take it in

I am blessed to have a trauma informed therapist. I asked her if she was familiar with your work and she said YES! The work I do in between sessions include: journaling, listening to uplifting music listening to inspiring RU-vid videos - Oprah, Les Brown, Mel Robbins and others, sensory exercises, loving my inner child work, documenting my thoughts and triggers.

You're an angel. Thank you!

My previous therapist had prescribed me CBT and I went through 3 months of exercises and techniques. I made some progress but it didn't help me get better clarity about my relationship. Later on, I figured out that it was not what my situation required. Thank you for pointing this out. It's amazing how you know exactly what I need to hear! :D My current therapist, with whom I have been talking for a few months, has been able to understand my experience. She is very patient and speaks from a place of empathy while giving me practical advice. It's been really good and my ruminations have reduced in frequency. Thanks again for doing this, Dr. Ramani!

What's helped me so far is meditation practices, guided in particular, focused on self compassion, self acceptance and self forgiveness Surrounding myself with people who I feel safe around Music, dance, writing, reading

You are the only practitioner who I encountered as of yet who fully understands this issue. My therapist didn’t believe me and stated so. I am still experiencing grief. The losses are detrimentally large and feels permanent. Education helps. Thank you for all your help.

Thank you for posting this! I hope you have a great day!

Thank you so much for this Dr. Ramani! Going through this with my current therapist, invalidating, questioning my assessment of my narcissist etc. This video was SO helpful!

Great video! I was lucky enough to be able to have a 'menu' of local therapists available with details on what they specialise in, and specifically went for one who had experience of personality disorders and trauma/abusive relationships. In short, he was fantastic. Two things which always stuck with me is, 1, that 'gut feeling' of dread that you get is your subconscious mind, able to process way more things (past experiences, and how they all link together) that your conscious mind is not capable of processing, sending you a warning - it's not something that is inherently 'wrong' with you (and goodness me, how it predicted things with spooky accuracy!), 2, that some of the scenarios that I described to him were far more dangerous than I was trying to convince myself of (I was often telling myself that I was overreacting but he assured me that my concerns were entirely valid, if not understated)

Journaling absolutely. I also refocused by thinking about and writing about all of the passive aggressively demeaning, disrespectful contemptuous activity of the narc instead of landing on the very very few good moments that happened and ruminating over their loss . That helped tremendously. At the recommendation of my therapist I also ‘dated’ myself and in so doing realized I didn’t treat myself very well. I felt I had two sides to ‘me’. One side that was realistic (we’ll call her Reason) who said ‘are you crazy? Don’t let them treat you like that!’ And the other side (we’ll call her Empathy) that said ‘but they are damaged and were maltreated as a child….have some compassion woman!’ In the process of dating ‘we’ discussed out loud how each side related to the problem and what problems each side presented. Eventually Reason won out and Empathy left saying “ I have inadvertently harmed you and I am sorry for that. I am always here for you but from here in I’ll only step forward for those people in your life that really deserve you. And don’t worry. There will be many. But when those red flags fly take heed and take cover!” It was transformative. Equally was the talk I had with myself saying that this was a part of my life journey. As was raising my children who are now grown adults. I took with me the experience but no longer have that activity of baby care in my day to day. The narcissist WAS but is no more. I listed all of the GOOD things that happened because of him instead of focussing on the negative. I learned. ALOT. things I learned about MYSELF. I suffered a lot of narcissism in my life at a time I had no idea what one was or how they impacted my life. I learned how: To enjoy my own company. To become complete being by myself. To now know when people are taking advantage of me To say NO To set healthy boundaries To recognize red flags and take appropriate action To believe my gut reaction and act accordingly To keep people at arms length when those flags fly high To extensively research topics I never knew anything about (thank you Dr Ramani! A real bright spot in the travels-your books are great!) I could go on and on. In my journal I did! And I read these entries over and over again to reinforce that this leg of the journey in my life was very pain filled but it was like getting a full education. I now feel like I hold a PhD in ME. I’ve written 37 journals spanning many years. Some I have thrown away as part of my therapy. I regret that some days. Because I know that if I looked at the beginning entries and the end entries prior to my new beginning, not much had changed in the relationship with the narc except that the abuses increased. My patience worked against me there! Don’t expect therapy to correct things immediately. It took a lifetime for me to get to the point where I needed it. It wasn’t going to correct without a lot of self reflection and a lot of work. But put in the time and it will happen. The real hard work is not done by the therapist. They help plant the seed. You tend to the garden as it grows and in the end you reap the harvest!

I’m so thankful for my therapist. She had never once invalidated my view of my abusive narc ex. She kept me safe, accepted my point of view, and calmly worked to help me see what was being done to me. After two years with her I was able to get out and get a sense of myself that I have never had. It opened up the world to me. I was able to do more things I wanted to that I always felt stuck with before.

I'm so thankful my therapist was talented. I began seeing her in 1991 when NPD was not well known. She was an ordained minister, registered nurse, and licensed psychotherapist - body, mind and soul. She never blamed me for the behaviour. PS: I love the dark red on you and the hair colour as well!

I went to a "narc specialized" therapist and she kept on triggering and retraumatizing me....come to find out she had only had a narc boss once. No ma'am, doesn't cut it. she actually told me that she felt like she had to walk on eggshells with me after making a highly inappropriate and insensitive remark. dropped her like a hot potato.

It IS a lifelong process. One step forward, two steps back. DBT, CBT, mindfulness, ZOOM therapy, in place therapy, betterhelp, chat therapy, EMDR, tapping, yoga, meditation, music therapy, aromatherapy, walking, journaling, hand mnemonics, affirmations, shadow work, and so many other things to try. Peace is the biggest loss of all from this traumatic experience.......

Can I say how much this community helps me ❤ Just reading the comments occasionally makes me feel not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏

Learning a new skill was really helpful for me. New things keep my mind in the present moment and also focused on the future. After almost 2 decades of narcissistic abuse I spent so much time thinking about the past and trying to make sense of it all. Learning a new skill starts at the beginning, everything is new. You take what you have learned and produce something. When you are finished using your new skills, you have something real to show for it. That feels pretty good. This is just something that has helped me, I hope it can help others as well.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani! This video came at the RIGHT time for me... I was literally composing an email to send to you to ask for your advice as to what type of therapist to seek out. I am a narcissistic abuse survivor who endured heavy abuse through ALL of the concentric circles... family (the initial abuser) and rippled into work, friends and romantic relationships! It's been really hard and my woes had always fallen on deaf ears (ie- gaslighters, flying monkeys, enablers, pollyannas, willfully clueless... you name it!) When I first went to college, it crossed my mind to leave my family behind but being so young and conditioned that "family is supposed to stick together " and NEVER being validated that I'm allowed to have boundaries made getting out of the relationships hard to do. When I turned 35 yo, I was finally over EVERYONE and said enough is enough! And so began the process of cutting toxic ppl out of my life which started with family and going no contact... then on to "friends" and potential romantic relationships exhibiting red flags... then finally the pandemic did me a favor and got me out of a very toxic, narcissistic work environment that I had worked in for 20 years!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I was 42 and lost my job but it was the BEST thing that had happened to me! I was starting my new path and I was on top of the world... I had my 2 chihuahuas (who are the loves of my life, my family and my foundation who I've had since they were 3 month old and they are now 11 YO) and I was loving life!! I was rating life as an 8 or 9 and hopefully it would move up to 10 once I found a new job that I was happy with! I took a year off to heal and enjoy "Me-time", the companionship of my dogs, take up more hobbies and explore unexplored interests and meet new ppl. I was planning my new career (I sought out a career coach) and how to have positive ppl in my life. Dr. Ramani's videos helped in the meantime as therapy to help validate me and once I found a new job, I was going to seek out a therapist to talk to and help keep me afloat. So unfortunately, one of the loves of my life pet chihuahuas unexpectedly died 6 weeks ago and my world has turned upside down and I'm having a hard time coping. This is the first grief (aside from the grief suffered from narcissistic abuse) that I've experienced losing someone/something that I cared dearly about and who cared about me! Life is now rated as a 2 or 3 and I'm not being dramatic. My dogs ARE my family and have been the only safe place for me. They are my only constants and unconditional love and support that I've ever had and I believe that this is a result of all of the narcissist abuse I've endured. My dogs are the only ones that I can trust and now one of them is gone and my foundation is broken and I believe I'm heading towards depression. I can't believe that I'm never going to see my precious little baby or care for him again and he's gone way too soon. Im being gaslit by some ppl about my feelings of losing him. I thought I had another 5-10 years to spend with my dogs and I owed them the world. I was excited that I was entering into a new happy phase in life and I would get to enjoy that with them and hopefully find my safe PERSON to add to our family. My dogs helped me through a depression after experiencing a traumatic romantic/work relationship 11 years ago and none of the therapists I saw understood what I had been through. So I stopped going. Dogs are automatic emotional support... hands down!! And now I lost one of them... my family and my happy place!! So now after losing my dog (which has triggered all of my narcissist abuse wounds) looking for a therapist has now gone into PRIORITY 1 mode!! It is completely overwhelming and hard to find anyone who specializes in narc abuse. So I was wondering if trauma therapy was the next best and Dr. Ramani has answered that question! TY!!! I came across pet grief therapists (Yes! Pet grief is just as normal, needed and valid as regular grief), so now I'm trying to see if any of them can address all of the issues I need addressed (narc abuse/trauma, pet grief & cultural issues). When I was I compiling my email to Dr. Ramani, I listed all of these issues and wondered if she was going to shake her head and say that I was asking for too much and no ONE therapist could deal with so many issues!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️ But TY so much Dr. Ramani for sending this video today! I definitely needed it! Please keep me in your prayers! This devastation is overwhelming and I'm hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel again!

Great video, I agree with doing multiple therapies/steps at once. Recovering from my narcissistic abuse I found I needed to both see a trauma informed therapist with IOP (3x a week for 3 hours after work) helped me find my footing. After that I saw my therapist along with a couples therapist for my partner of 13 years and do EMDR. It is a lot of work to heal and each day I wake up feeling more connected with who I am. I am now discovering myself after a lifetime of being told who I am.

All immediate members of my family are in therapy to deal with the toxic fall out of a narcissistic parent and now an in-law(neither of whom are in therapy btw). I am the one hold-out. First because I'm an older person whose lifelong training has been to tough it out, suffer in silence etc second, it's not easy to spill my guts to a stranger and third, if I'm understanding you correctly, the probability of finding a therapist that gets narcissism is low so what's the point in looking. I have ,however, found that watching your videos has unpacked and explained a lot for me and I'm getting better at coping. I've seen ALL your videos and you've set the bar really high; you're a hard act to follow, maybe to the extent that I may stop looking for a therapist and simply engage in your series of healing seminars. You're amazing insight deserves to be on display over every media outlet. You are literally and figuratively saving lives. Hats off!

Oh Dr. Ramini! You are amazing. All those things you emphasize that a therapist should be aware of as well as be responsive to were paramount in what I wanted and needed in a therapist. That's exactly what has held me back from seeking therapy. Plus I am 71 and surviving on Social security and a small pension. So right now cost is prohibitive as I continue to pay other Dr bills, etc. Unfortunately by the time my spouse was through abusing me financially I was living below the poverty line. Quite a rude awakening. So I take in everything I can from your teachings. It has taken me since 2019 to finally be able to begin to work through the grief that just about destroyed me. In the end I have 1.sister, no friends,. Church or otherwise, and no other relatives. Thanks to you I am beginning to understand some things he put me through. He passed away 4/21 of lung cancer so I was able to watch his daughter do what she pleased not only with his care but his considerable financial holdings. But praise God I am beginning to heal. Thank you for your guidance. 👏❤️😻