What You Try to Control, Controls You | The Paradox of Control 

Rectification: the story of King Canute (as told in this video) seems to be based on a common misinterpretation. My apologies for not researching and checking it properly, as I assumed this was the correct version. King Canute did not command the waves to stop out of arrogance and delusion, but to prove to people that the powers of kings are limited and trivial - pretty wise and profound. Thanks to the people who pointed out this mistake. I hope this clears up my error. E.

*”Do not fear having no friends. Fear having bad friends”* ~My life taught lesson

"I am not what has happened to me, I am what I choose to become". That is powerful

“In life, we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.”

" My heart is calm because I know that what I miss will never be my destiny and what is destined for me will never miss me " Umar Ibn El-Khatab

You can't control others' ACTIONS, only your own REACTION.

This resonates with me. Especially how it shows exactly why WORRYING NEVER HELPS ANYTHING. If anything, it makes it worse.

Lord Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

When you letting go, the whole world flows in you.

By accepting that we cannot control everything and learning to let go, we can find greater peace, joy, and freedom in our lives. It's a call that encourages us to focus on what we can control, such as our thoughts, emotions, and reactions, and to trust that everything else will fall into place as it should.

Currently going through a rough time. Been separated from my wife 2 months now and it’s been the hardest time of my life. I realize my pain comes from my desire to control the outcome and no matter how much I worry or think of solutions it will matter very little. I have to just let go and what will be will be. Thanks for this video. It came at a perfect time.

Having an absolute control over one's actions and reactions to external circumstances is perhaps the greatest feat of courage and strength. Letting things unfold on their own accord is the true way of the universe.

The part about the woman stressing over her job is very relatable. I plan to switch from a stressful software engineering job to becoming a handyman. I'll make way less money, but I enjoy meeting new people (in person) and I love seeing different places and houses. Last 3 years, I feel like I've been trapped in my house and forced myself to stare at a computer screen for too many years of my life.

It is always a good thing to be reminded of our lack of control as we often struggle daily to maintain inner peace.

“Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”-Bruce Lee

As a person who constantly looks back at the past and wishes I could go back and change it, I now realise after watching a couple of your videos that this is foolish and a waste of time. I know it will take work, because I have a lifetime of bad habits to break, but I think it will be worth it. Thanks for an awesome video 📹

I was about to have a nervous breakdown and then this video showed up in my feed. THANK YOU! What a huge help this channel is!

It surprises me how few people understand why manipulation, or coercion, has the opposite effect (eventually) of the hoped-for outcome. Even the most moral, or altruistic, intentions become warped when delivered by force or deception. It never ends well.

When I was about 13 my whole house flooded (water heater burst in the attic while out of town - don't ask me whose bright idea that was). The flood began from directly above my bedroom on the top floor and destroyed the whole house over the span of a week while we were on a cruise. When I went inside for the first time upon returning, I stood outside the door to my decimated room watching as water and insulation continued to pour onto my bed and belongings. Unlike my parents, I wasn't devastated or upset, even. I think that was the moment I learned nothing is permanent. I learned a lot from sleeping in a hotel for months and having to buy all new clothes and basic necessities. It could have been worse...I could have been asleep under the water heater when the ceiling collapsed, my parents could have forgotten to pay their insurance bill and we could have been homeless(well- homeless-er) Point is, you can lose EVERYTHING (or everyone - different story) in an instant, and that's that. But it doesn't have to break you. You cant undo what has been done, so you either learn to let go or you become consumed by the grief of losing something that was never meant to last forever anyways. The last lesson I learned, appreciate what you have WHILE you have it, not after its already gone. AND DON'T PUT YOUR WATER HEATER IN THE ATTIC.

There once was a factory owner who's factory burned down. Instead of breaking down by the sight of his factory burning he called all his workers and said "You'll never see a fire this majestic again". Change the things you can change and accept the things you cannot - thus you can change your reaction to negatie events. In the end, seek opportunity with risks you've a solution for as the worst case never comes to fruition.

It is probably not the best idea to control your emotions. Rather control your actions in response to them.

I learned this as a young child, I called it the pool noodle problem. I wanted to use the pool noodle, but there was never that many, however when I had it I was then unhappy because I “had” to guard and keep others from it and couldn’t just swim. I learned that I was happier without the fun sounding toys for the most part, or at least the thought I should use them, because I was literally held back. This has carried over to many things in my life, having both hands full but still trying to maintain a normal pace doesn’t work, just letting go leads to a better life.

Uncontrollable forces of human nature at that. Discovered my wife cheated twice. Acted like nothing happened. I got cancer and was kicked out of the house, it took me too long to recover from her infidelity. Hahaha. So, while homeless, tumor in my body, and jobless. I was then served with divorce papers! At 38 I’m back with my folks and licking my wounds. The key is to remember to stay calm even when you’ve only got one nostril above water.

Life happens .. !! Drink coffee ☕️ go fishing 🎣 have wine 🥂 ... accept u cannot control everything. Don’t control people - Do not be controlled either. Live Free !!

My grandfather died in a sailboat accident just one year before I was born, but left me this gem... "Always camp a few feet above the high water mark."

Everyone needs to remember that only our thoughts, words and actions are in our control. External things like climate, economy or other people's behavior are beyond our control and thus one should not be bothered by them!

My husband recently learned this in a very literal way at work. He got a new job over the summer, making more money and working from home. He was very happy with this, then got caught up in the rat race idea of constant growth and just more and more and more. He became unhappy with the situation he was just happy with a few months ago because he wanted more. So he started doing more and more that was outside of his job in order to move up. This is a form of controlling other people in my mind. We were already doing well financially and didn't want for anything, plus we could spend way more time together. I told him he can't control his status at work, and his company will pay what they want to pay and will hire who they want for management positions. Well, his hard work didn't stop the company from hiring someone else at a higher rate who works far less. Now my husband is going into the office all the time, 120 mile round trip btw, while the other guy never comes in, and still makes way more in the same job title. He was hired on as a remote worker, but his need to show he's worth more, only showed he doesn't mind the drive or hours put in. Did i mention my husband is on 24 hours for 4 days straight when he's on shift, while the other guy is off nights, yet still doesn't have to come in? This is why the position was work from home to begin with. He didn't get a promotion he was going for because the company likes him doing his job since he has turned the department around. If they promoted him to another department, his current one would fall. His new company is now controlling every aspect of his life because in his attempts to move up, he really just showed them he's a doormat who will work harder for less pay. It's getting to the point now that he's thinking about quitting the job he used to love.

The Art of Doing Nothing is bliss

the ability to view ourselves.... our actions, emotions as a third person is very powerful and life-changing

I found your channel right about the time I went into recovery and began my healing journey in my new life. These videos have been such a wonderful added support for me. The teaching of the stoics ties right in to the way of the program I'm in. I have 11 months sobriety and these videos are like a mental vitamin supplement for me as I continue to heal and transform body, mind and spirit. Thank you for the gift you bring to me, and to the world.❤❤❤

"Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know." (Al Baqarah 216)

I've been struggling with this recently. This is a perfectly timed video. Thank you.

I've learned the hard way that the more I try to control a situation, the less I am in control of it. It's a bitter lesson and one that I have to keep learning 😥

"Our lack of confidence is not the result of difficulty; the difficulty comes from our lack of confidence."

I genuinely need this message today. I just had a panic attack a moment ago due to severe anxiety. Somehow the knowledge that often everything is out of our control other than our own actions or response to certain situations helps me focus on the present, and not fear the outcome of tomorrow if will be on my favour or not. Sending hugs. 💞💞

Holding your breath means also losing your breath. Bro that is deep. I’ve grown tired of quotes over time but that one hit different 🙏🏻

I am so glad that this channel exists !!! This video made me realised that what society preaches isn't always what we need for our lives to find peace. They tell us to have EVERYTHING under control, buy in most cases that is an impossible task to accomplish. Thanks a lot👏👏👏

This video helped me so much! I am pulling the weight of three coworkers currently while managing far too many projects. I tried to control the outcome to the detail and put a lot of pressure on myself for no reason - because rarely anything ever went like I wanted since I was just not in control of supply chains, coworkers, client's moods ... After watching this video it felt like this weight has been removed from me, I am able to let things happen naturally and only focus on the things I actually have control over. Thank you so much!💙

God bless this channel. You are always sent to us in the most difficut times of our life. Whenever I had trouble, a break up, sickness or any form of distress this channel has been an immense help and a source of strength. I am a teacher and I share this with my students. I believe this knowledge is necessary for the young generation as it will save them from unnecessary sufferings and cultivate their potential. Thank you so much. P.s: your way of tackling concepts is mindblowing. I really love how you deconstruct common sense and construct wisdom with your essay structure! *kudos for all the team*

I have come to understand that life was a way to teach us more harshly what we are not willing to learn in an easier way. I guess it depends on what type of Trauma each of us have. What I can say to anyone out there who was a Perfectionist complex, due to whatever childhood pressure you must have lived through is this: Give it up, You are Perfect already even if you make lots of mistakes and have failed. If you are looking for external approval, stop and give that approval to your self. Remind yourself or Re learn to do the best you can in whatever circumstance and then let go, the outcome will be the outcome. it took me 45 years to learn that, and I am living in a more balanced way now, and learning to let go of control and just focusing on doing the best I can, and learn to trust life knows much better than I do, and that life was indeed the bigger picture. Blessings to All.

The desire to control everything isn't just out of insecurity but also immaturity

Thank you. I needed this today. To all of ya out there who are struggling, you will be alright. You will come out stronger, better.

"When you do anything to the extreme, you end up doing the opposite of what you originally intended."

Really thankful for this video and many others before. It's just what i needed today. I will let these words sink in now and remember again and again that this might be my lesson to learn, letting go and control what i can. I quote my friend, he said lately: this difficulty that i have with (insert topic) might come back in my life, as many times as are needed to understand the lesson. So here I am once again....but its getting better everyday. 🙏

Thank you so much for this video, and all the others. I struggle with low self esteem and it has hurt so many people, mostly myself. Learning to not see myself as a victim who needs to gain power in order to survive is one of the most difficult things for me to wrap my head around. Thank you, thank you for all you do

This is one of the few channels that have stood the test of time IMO. I get “in” to different stuff all the time but this dood’s videos are always so interesting AND helpful! I totally save screen shots and screen recordings all the time. This guy is awesome!

One step at a time. One day at a time. Only thing different from a bad or good day is what you do about it. Stay strong minded and keep focusing on what matters most. Life is too short to worry about the things you can’t control. Enjoy the journey there’s no destination :)

This whole thing was totally amazing and hopefully life-changing. I'm going to go get a notebook and a pen and watch it again and take notes this time. Thanks so much.

Going through a really bad (and sinking) friendship right now. Thank you for the wonderful content as always!

I think one point that I felt was not that explicit in this video, but that fits the topic well, is that whatever you choose to control, will consume your mind, and thereby also control you. It is not just about whether the thing you want to control is not behaving according to how you want it to (or maybe it does, who knows) and thereby giving you uncertainty and stress, but also that if you choose to not control the thing, your mind if freed to focus on other things, perhaps something that you can control.

I can't explain how much i needed it at this time. RU-vid recommended this to me yesterday but couldn't watch it as i was busy but a feeling came to me that i must watch it so i searched for it again. I'm having a difficult time rn and this video is an eye opener for me. Thank you so much

“I’m not what happened to me; I’m what I choose to become” ❤

Another great vdeo, thank you. It often happens that the topic you choose is exactly the one I need to hear at that time and so it is with this video. While watching, this thought came to me - I want to be like the captain of a ship on the sea. The captain knows that neither he nor the ship can control the chaotic waves but he also knows that, with his skillful guidance, the ship can safely ride the waves until the sea calms. Seeking the skill to guide our own ship and the wisdom to accept the waves as they are is, perhaps, one of the most valuable lessons we can learn in life.

Thank you so much. I hope you never stop doing what you’re doing. You have helped me throughout difficult times from age 17 till now, 20. I appreciate you.

Thank you. I needed this. It's funny; I often find myself coming undone, losing control of my patience; but then you upload a video, and everytime I'm am reminded of the stoic way of thinking; I find calm, pick myself up, and carry on.

Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat

8:41 in Quran (But you may hate a thing although it is good for you, and may love a thing although it is evil for you. Allah knows, and you do not know) Sura 2: AL-BAQARA ❤

If I try to control my addiction issues. My addiction controls me. If I'm mindful, and I place my addiction into a higher which can be anything. I stay sober.

Life is a good teacher, as long as you’re a good student

You just make such amazing videos. Thank you so much. So many love and acknowledge your work.

Fighting for control will put you in a hole that will be difficult or impossible to climb out of. Hold on loosely but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're going to lose control. Those words previously typed are lyrics from a .38 Special song called 'Hold On Loosely". They fit well with this. Thanks for the thought nutrition and reading this.

Amazing video! We need to focus only on the things we can control. Life is a learning process and it is easier with these beautiful reminders! Thank you!

I am drawn to your videos , not so much by algorithm but by inner curiousness

True. I often thought depression resulted when bad things happen to you over which you have no control. Here it says the way out of that is to have confidence that you can handle any situation even if it simply means to run away. You can’t control a tornado so get out of its path. But more than that the Chinese farmer is correct. What is good? What is bad? It’s like being angry at circumstances or yourself for being late and missing getting on the Titanic. What looks like bad luck could be the luckiest day of your life. Michael Jackson missed an appointment at the World Trade Centre in New York on Sept 11, 2001 because the night before he had stayed up to 3 AM talking to his mother on the phone. “Damn. Missed my appointment at the WTC this morning because I slept in late. It was important. Maybe tomorrow.”

This one hit home for me! I’m going to listen to it daily for a while! It’s a keeper. Thank you for the great content 💕

Sometimes it's just hard to find that fine line of where your control stops and the uncontrollable starts. It is not a bad idea to prepare yourself before walking into a mine field, but you can't prepare for absolutely everything.

The paradox of control is such a profound concept. It's so true that the more we try to control things, especially those beyond our reach, the more they end up controlling us. The story of the man trying to control the floodwaters with a dam was a perfect illustration of this. It's a reminder that we need to let go and accept that we can't control everything. This doesn't mean we should stop trying to improve our circumstances, but we should be mindful of our limitations and the potential consequences of our actions.

Please never stop these, they help me in so many ways, thank you!

I'm an empath . I can feel your pain . You are not alone .

Whoever you are who can't sleep tonight, is tired or sad, believe that there will be tomorrow that will light up your beautiful days. You just need to endure a little more, a little more, and a little more ... Thank you for being patient, thank you for being able to survive. And as you read this, promise yourself that you will be able to get through your toughest days in the future. Promise to keep smiling, no matter how you are ... You deserve to be happy :)

This is my favorite self improvement channel on RU-vid. Thank you very much. I'm forever in debt to you♡

Thank you so much for another wonderful video. I see things more clearly and is not affected by external factors anymore, I always say (in my mind) what Epictitus said. "you suffer more in imagination, than in reality" and now I also have the courage to undergo any process required, for example: applying for a document in our municipality which is time consuming and a hassle going back and forth, but with your wise words, I overcome all that and got what I needed. to make it short, we all should take our time and give it a shot, no matter what we are trying to do or needed to do, instead of worrying in advanced which will just make us suffer. This channel unlocked my capabilities.

Every video on this channel is so deep , knowledgeable and pleasant to watch. We gain wisdom in an entertaining way.

Really loved the animation in this video. Great moral from the story as well.

Thank you so much for all you do. These videos are part of my daily spiritual and mental upkeep. You are so appreciated.

I admire those people who are confident even if they smell bad. They just dont care whatever people will say.

Damn, this channel and these videos are incredibly powerful and amazing. The stress and anxiety comes to complete ease when I watch one of these videos. Thank you for this channel and these videos.

What a coincidence that this video appeared in my feed. During an intense, serious discussion, because I was so increasingly desperate to get my point of view across to a few family members, I didn't realise that I was raising my voice and trying to talk over everyone else. It caused my elder brother, who I had not quarreled with in over a dozen years, to furiously lash out at me. It shocked me so suddenly and badly that I ended up apologising to him immediately afterwards. We made up, but I still feel terrible for provoking him. I wish that this video came to me sooner, but I guess it's a lesson learned nonetheless.

Several years ago, I was laid off from a law firm, along with several others. I was devastated. Six months later, I was hired by The Department of Justice. With a higher salary, pension, great benefits, promotions and annual COLAs. I came to realize, the previous layoff was a blessing in disguise!

Only when everything's out of control do I find myself in control.

accept what you can’t change, have the courage to change what you can, and more importantly the wisdom to know the difference between the two! same here, no paradox of control, make a choice on what you think you can control. try and fail sometimes, succeed othertimes :)

I admit that this is the most sensible video I have seen in last few years .... everything said in this vdo is too true ... practical.. especially Farmer tale ..how do we know what's good or what's bad 🙄....deep ...I can say I have faced these situations and good one turned bad and bad one turned good ... 🙏🏼🙏🏼

One of the best channels I have come across...❤ Thank you for spreading the wisdom...

I dont read papers listen to the news, this is the only way I find peace. I just leave every day to God, everything is always outside my control. Why would I think otherwise? The only thing I know is how I feel in this moment just as it is. ❤

This one is a home run! Great job man

i just want to say: einzelgänger! you ARE something else...🙌 this is the best educational video i've seen in a while. every second of this video was educational. and this is really hard to achieve. wow. you fed my soul. ❤

I naturally align with most principles of stoicism but I really struggle with fearing things beyond my control. Like, I’ve never been afraid when I’m in control and can’t imagine being afraid of things that are in your hands. Mostly, my fear is with other people who may control my fate, or that of someone close to me. We cannot trust most people we meet. It’s like the trust fall exercise I had to do in middle school. The kid dropped me on purpose. His reprehend was ‘ok, haha, come on now. Take it seriously you guys. If you two act up again you’ll be in trouble,’ lumping me into it. I already knew enough to try and get out of this exercise and yet I could not argue my way out of it, but it was that day that 11 year old me finally said out loud that I didn’t trust others. I’ve been through many natural disasters. Some affected me more than others. I trust I can survive and as bad as it may be, I can figure out how to clean up the aftermath in time. But with other people, you never know when they will hurt you in a way that impacts you forever, just because they felt like ruining your life. People like this are not as rare as sheltered people think. I’ve met several. Humans can be worse than any storm. None have successfully killed me, but some have left my body and health permanently damaged. Unfortunately we have to trust people anytime we go to a doctor, or live with a roommate, or interact with co-workers and employers, and find a long term partner. It’s terrifying because not only are some out to hurt you, but the handful of good people out there make mistakes. They may not want to hurt you but they can, and often do, because they just made a mistake. Those mistakes can hurt you even more than anything else.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” - Isaiah 43: 18-19

As long as I can remember,I have been suffering from constant anxiety and derealization/depersonalization..Literally every time I try to think myself out of it and try to control it,the symptoms seem to worsen and the situation becomes almost unbearable..Your videos give me some form of peace and acceptance,thank you.

E, you have become like an old wise friend, always there in the background to give well founded advice if needed😊 Your gift to us all will continue to make this world a better place, with your great videos we can understand the reasons behind suffering & orientate ourselves towards a better place. With much appreciation 😊

Thank you for posting this video. All the material you release are good reminders for sure

Letting go takes more BALLS...knowing that all you truly have is YOURSELF

This reminds me of Sauron, who poured much of his spirit into crafting the One Ring to control the wills of others, and master Middle Earth itself - but ultimately he just ended up making himself critically vulnerable

We just need to accept what life is. Its very courageous to live like that.nothing ever last forever. Live to the fullest. Don't be afraid have faith.. Stop overthinking nobody will escape death. Be kind always. Thank you for sharing this❤❤❤

"Life can only be understood backwards."

Now I see that I'm passive aggressive. I'm aware that I want the situation to conform to my will, Awareness I found is a key for helping oneself

Perfect timing thank you ❤

So so beautiful!! Such profound wisdom. Thank you!! ❤️

Your videos are a real help to countless people. We ultimately are responsible for our own happiness and achievements, and consequences of misdeeds. Blaming our travails on outside forces, such as what race we are born as, social status achieved, whatever issues we cling to, boils down to our own responsibility. Another excellent source to break through inner stoppages, are Jordan Peterson's lectures, and his response to the pernicious influence.of evil social forces...a master of inner change. Thanks.😇

Isn’t that similar to the Sith philosophy of the Dark Side controlling them. Or how a person tries to set his greed, but ends up becoming successful and one option being falling prey to his vices. It seems to show that the imposition of control takes away from the struggle that is reality, in which we develop as generally productive and intelligent beings; probably another reason as to why too much control or dictatorship is most definitely bad, among other ideals regarding freedom, and the way of life we live.