When Your Life Feels Like It's Going Nowhere 

The problem isn't just leaving the comfort zone. It's overcoming a sense of incompetence. I feel like I lack the intelligence or sophistication needed to advance.

The worst feeling is the feeling that things and life will just get alot worse.

I'm tired of dogpaddling through life. I can't seem to get ahead no matter how hard I try.

My life would be better if I did something. Anything. Yet here I am doing nothing. Stagnant.

My main problem is that I have focused more on helping others than taking care of myself. I was stuck here for decades. At 67, I am single with no children. Therefore, I need to look at myself and begin to relate to myself better. The way I have protected myself from my developmental years is through people-pleasing. So, I didn't learn how to say "no." I was raised in an atmosphere of criticism, emotional abuse, judgment, neuroticism, etc. Therefore, I have never really felt as though I am enough. Although I know my strengths, I focus on my weaknesses. Change comes hard for me, due to my fear of failure/fear of success. My main concern is that I'm growing older right before my eyes. Aging is another struggle. However, writing poetry brings me pleasure.

I just stopped hyperfocusing on chasing happiness and focused on small things that make me happiER than I was yesterday last month or 5 minutes ago. It feels more attainable. It's like compounding confidence.

One thing i do is hold my breath. I dont even realize it.

I've drifted my whole life, never knowing who I want to be or where I want to go - no direction or purpose, no goals. I feel like I'm a nobody who's gone nowhere. I've made major life changes that went wrong, decisions that didn't work out. Now I'm stuck and am afraid to make any changes and feel incapable of making decisions in case they go wrong again. I've lost motivation.

Prolonged boredom = familiarity = anxiety / panic attacks...

I have no problem leaving my comfort zone - the main problem is that I really don't know what to do with my life. I have no motivation, no desires, except maybe for a quiet life. But I don't even know how to achieve it, and I've been thinking about it for a good 10 years.

Your 13+1 ways to transform your mental health, set me on my path to recovery. Between you and my therapist, l am changing my life. Nutrition, good sleep, fresh air and seeking accomplishment rather than joy, is slowly working! I actually looked at the blue sky yesterday and decided l wanted to see more...my suicidal thoughts are fading! I am so grateful that l found you ❤

It's no so much as feeling like I'm going nowhere. It's more like it's going straight to the dumpster and I'm along for the ride.

I've been stagnant for over 10 years now.. stuck in a huge freeze response. I'm starting to just give up..

I was thinking this morning about how it feels like the pandemic ruined my life. I had trajectory and momentum before. But everything stopped during and my life went on hold. I haven’t been able to recover since. Still in the same college, still haven’t found a job, still living with my parents, still single and not dating…

You hit on it today...what I hate are repeat problems like with the house or medical. No matter how hard you work to take care of things and proactive breaks again. Every day I wake up to a problem... mostly with the house since my husband died i have been ripped off by Lennox expensive hvac system only 5 years old defective in a class action lawsuit and they don't respond or cannot get parts. I am still paying on it 15k and Allen Kelly in NC has washed it off. No lawyer cares enough got some new parts and it went out again this morning!!!! You just cannot fight anymore it takes your life away for 4 years. Don't buy Samsung Fridge, look it all up, defective class action lawsuit and you will spend years trying to get Samsung to repair since it can not be repaired. I have save you grief and about 25k. Look it all up it is out there, no one cares, just bought a new fridge, Fridgidaire Gallery. Wish me luck.

I’ve been in a stagnant period for about six years now. I’ve all but given up hope that it will ever end.

Or as the old saying goes "If you do what you've always done, you will be where you've always been "

Nice to see comments from people of all ages and from everywhere around the world. Thanks, Scott and thank you to all of the commenters on here!

I’m 38, married, 2 kids and I’ve been feeling like this for quite sometime. It’s progressively gotten worse. I now have 2-3 panic attacks a day. Thankfully have started working with a therapist in conjunction with a psychiatrist.

People ask me what's wrong and I reply everything and nothing

I actually think this hamster wheel feeling is quite valid. We have been sold the wrong bill of goods and are now realizing it, at least those of us that have been out in the workforce for so many years. We are told to grind, work long hours, get those things, become the job to get ahead, and it's all bullsh*t. We don't have to try to BE anything. And that doesnt mean the world is shaping us. Because it already has.

I do know what I want. However, I take care of my folks and family property and they are constantly working against everything I want or need in my life. I feel more trapped now than I did when I was in an abusive marriage. I feel like I've swapped one bad situation for a different one. One I feel I can't so easily get away from.

My backsliding isn't due to wanting homeostasis. It's always been due to economic crises outside my control: the company I work for gets acquired and lays off thousands, a recession, a pandemic, etc. I would actually welcome predictability and stability in my financial life, but every time I get it and start setting goals, the universe yanks it away. It leads to a horrible sense of having no internal locus of control. I'm 62 and can't start a new career or pack up and move. I have a chronic health condition. It feels like I've done a lot of the changes I can do. But the big stuff requires money I dont have. It always comes back to that. I would like you to talk about how to make these changes when you're extremely underresourced (including lacking support from friends and family).

I’m 20 years old in college and I just finished my junior year a couple weeks ago. Right now I feel like I need to be doing something huge and more compensating to my time and my future. I can’t even enjoy lounging around, play video games, etc. because I feel like I’m wasting time.

Going through the comment section..so many of us are in the same boat…what’s going on with the world ?😢

Missing several steps on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Got a career and paid off a house, but forgot everything else...

At 53, going through menopause, just after covid and exiting a 13 year abusive relationship plus losing the house I lived in for 10 years, while still in the same shi**y underpaid job I've been in forever, this article has helped immensely - thank you - if any of you Women out there have been through similar you will know how bloody hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning with menopause just adding another nail to the lack of motivation coffin... Brilliant article, wise and informed ! Have saved it for reference and will be doing my damndest to get my mindset and direction on the move. Thank's again .

It sucks when you are self aware enough to know you are wasting your life, but don't have the capability to stop it. For me, the issue is religious CPTSD. America right now is intolerable for someone with my background. Also, every time I watch one of your videos, I think about ditching my therapist because I realize how incapable she is of helping me out of my issue.

I’d like to expand on that: I’ve tied myself down with trying to understand why our civilization is becoming more toxic. We can’t agree on anything and some have it in their head to change things around to an extremism I’ve never seen and can’t absorb as things change so quickly and dramatically.

When I was 19 I had a serious mental break down. I was taught that life is meaningless but I could be my own god and create my own meaning. Well I became miserable but then the Lord came into my life and I found meaning in Him.

Consistent effort has never been something i was good at. Effort exhausts me after a while especially if i feel like im not seeing results.

I had to laugh when you said: "You are a hybrid of your 5 closest people" and I thought a second about it: "there is only my cat." So I am a hybrid from a hermit and a cat on a bicycle meowing and hissing my way to get my food from the store. But serious, the rubber band is a good comparison. It feels that hard. When I want to use my freedom my shame pulls me still back, even if I already identified it. Like trying to rip through a bicycle tube. And I still feel weak. But after all what you said, the conclusion for me is I should keep trying, build the muscle and when I break through... I go on my way meowing on a bicycle to the store!!

Yesterday was my birthday. I am living overseas alone and I was quite confused because my mom used to call me first thing in the morning. Then my little brother called me while crying that mom did not stop crying.. So I immediately called her. When she answered, she said happy birthday while crying. She is having a mental breakdown because of my father. My father is a mentally abusive person (not physically), and my mom said she could not take it anymore and wants to just get away from this world. I was there listening to my mom. I myself suffered a depression to the point that it ruins my health and I have to go to a psychologist before, but I was always there ever since I was little, listening to my mom's suffering in her marriage (my father cheated a lot back in the days, and despite in his mid 60s, he is still sometimes flirting with women). I do not know what to do at this point. I can only pray..

its the lull’s in between the depression and happiness that is brutal. When Im depressed, at least im working to get out of it. When Im happy I work harder to maintain it. but the in between when you have no current projects or anything fun to look forward to, you get in that mundane rut. It’s like your not really depressed or happy. just a black hole of apathy. Thats where I struggle.

You are my absolute favorite mental health RU-vidr! Please never stop💗

My body want to isolate and do nothing yet my brain screams at me to do something and be productive. Everyday is just a battle. So sick and tired of screaming at myself and crying. Argh!!!

I DO KNOW that I want to help other people. 😊

I've never had any goals or dreams in life, so I just always plodded through hoping somewhere along the line I'll find something. I've now been stuck in a dead-end, underpaying job for the last 10 years, with no motivation to even try and change. And even if I did, I have no idea what to change too. My life has just become slowly waiting for the inevitable end to come, while I try and hold on the what little sanity I have left.

the suicidal urges get stronger every day and my hope for recovery is breaking. i have been deep in the suffering for years now. the light at the end of a tunnel is a myth to extract more money out of ill patients. the repetitiveness and misery is too much to handle. i am a suicide waiting to happen. every mental health 'professional' basically just told me to 'try harder' or 'choose to not think negatively' or other shit like that. i cant cope anymore. i cant live like this anymore. some people think that just because in theory, there is one path that can lead me out of this, doesnt mean that its practically or realistically possible. in reality, the future is much of the same for years until either my psyche breaks or i stumble into something that actually helps and makes life worth living. im glad that you found a life worth living scott, but i dont and probably never will and frankly i dont care to try anymore. goodbye

20 years of nothing.... I'm ready to die but even that is not happening

Feels like a hamster on a wheel. Trying so hard getting nowhere.

It is really hard on older people such as myself, who are all alone on holidays,& you know your family & kid simply don't care.

I recall someone saying "if it feels scary and isnt comfortable- thats when you should do it". Instead of staying in the comfort zone I do try to put myself out there and "expose" myself to these scary things like socialising, going to the shops etc and try to be proud of myself for it. Sadly though, i do feel that im putting myself through these huge things consistently and yet i still feel im not making friends. Its like no matter how engaging or how often i socialise, no-one wants to know me past a superficial level. Its easy to just retreat and feel "why bother?" then resentment and defeat consumes me.

My life does feel like its getting worse and falling apart. It seems like my life just gets worse not better.

Makes a lot of sense, Scott. I've been struggling with the back and forth, and I see what you're saying. Environment is a big influence. I'll have to reassess that in all aspects of my life. Thank you.

Toxic family and it sucks

also maybe good to mention how grief work is important…not getting into any toxic relationship, stop drinking alcohol, trauma work etc. all this is immensely hard

Wow, are we on the same wavelength? This video came out at the perfect time in my life. I literally said to myself yesterday that I feel like I’ve been living the same day over and over again. I’ve always struggled with stagnation, most of the time due to mental health struggles, burn out, and neurodivergence, but recently it’s been particularly trying. I have dealt with health issues throughout my life, and though they cause me pain nearly every day, I have a tendency to push through the pain and go about my life. Recently, my health got worse after getting mono and it has been 5 months of me still recovering, still not well enough to walk longer than a minute, or leave the house. I stayed in college and worked something out with my professors, only coming in during exams. In school there was some momentum, I was learning and getting good grades, but now that it’s over I feel once again, I’m going nowhere. I’ve been stuck at home doing nothing, essentially, in order to get better. All while feeling upset that I am continuing to abandon the dreams and the hobbies I’ve loved for years. Feeling like I’m continuing to go nowhere. This past week I said enough is enough and started doing what you recommended in the video. I made a list of the things I want to do, and have been doing some every day. It’s helped my mental health, though I am still frustrated at times. I do also have a tendency to overdo it and put pressure on myself, but it’s okay. I really appreciate this video, it came in a time of need and was helpful. It was reassuring to know I’m on the right track, and to learn the information you shared. Thank you for all you do! God bless you and all those watching the video, I hope you all overcome this hard period in your lives.

"...Goals you've given up on". Yes, in sole pursuit of Peace after leaving toxics I lost sight of my musical goals. My voice got weak. I had to rest in security and recharge for a while. But I'm stronger now and need to jump back on these creative ideas. Thanks for the reminder. Stretch that rubber band.

I was already feeling stuck going in circles and then made a bad choice which caused me to question my existence. Never in my life have I ever thought what's the point of life or that I don't want to be here anymore. That scares me to my core since I've always thought of myself as an optimistic person but looking at my life I really feel like the last 15 years have been the same thing. Me trying to fight off the loneliness or fill the void of whatever is missing. I find myself making myself depressed by pondering "what's next?" because my horizon looks so bleak at times. Usually work or personal relationships provide an escape for me but right now both are in the shitter.

I just love this video. It’s so useful to learn about the homeostasis that we are fighting against. It’s also such a paradigm shift to realize that the majority of our days are on autopilot, and that we need to set up our environments to create low barriers to entry and automaticity for the supportive actions to take place. Dr. Scott, you elucidate concepts and forces that only someone who has been deep in the trenches of suffering can understand. Thank you for helping point the way to some hope for change.

Feel like this after went on SSDI. FIrst felt like life was turned upside down, then when I adjusted....it was same dull existence....needed to find my purpose again.

Isolate, then angry because I isolate. Watch others live their lives around me and live vicariously through them. A vicious cycle and one that is hard to break.

I just retired at 67. I've been working for 50+ years most all in some form of technology with last 23 was in networking/automation. this defined me. I'm having to reformat my hard drive and redefine "ME" by learning things I have never done like digital art. I understand the part about being a hybrid of 5 closest people because you, probably subconsciously, affiliate with those who match "you"

One step forward three steps back! It happened just last month

For me this is called old age.

I've been stuck in tar for decades and I've broken myself mentally physically and spiritually to do things counselors, coaches, etc said to do. I'm over pushing myself. I'm actually getting serious health problems from this stress now. I've expended resources trying. Now I'm apathetic, indifferent, and joyless.

I was told I was invisible, unimportant and I would be forgotten basically until I ran away from home at 14. Along with those words, I was also treated that way by my step mom. My dad was just disconnected emotionally from me, though he would hit me to I shall quote, " shut the B**ch up." My birth mom died in an accident when I was very little. My dad and I were in the car. My dad was for sure traumatized by the accident. My Step mom was an incest survivor. I realize now as an adult that she probably felt invisible and unimportant herself. I could write pages of the emotional instability and alcoholism in our household. But the bottom line is, I made their trauma my truth. I have never allowed myself to fully complete or follow thru on my goals. Understanding why is the first step. Now I get to figure out the second step etc. I get to rewire my brain to believe that I am important and that I am not invisible (that is a big one for me) I keep telling myself all these experience couldn't be for nothing. I have an uncanny gift of getting people to open up and that has allowed me to feel like I had something to give back..I have had the deepest most moving conversations with total strangers that were going thru something. Maybe that will help me to feel that I wont be forgotten. I am just now waking up to all of this. What a journey. Bring it on!

I remember when I thought the story of sisyphus was a myth

My deep depression and anger are not currently bothering me, but I have no tangible goals or ambitions inspiring me forward. It's stagnating.

That jolted me - being in the same environment as the one that allowed you to become this person, isn't beneficial. I'm in a profession that feeds boredom, over eating, self hatred, low self esteem.. I desperately need to change this but ironically, the consequences of being here are keeping me stuck. I feel like a massive life change is the only possibility to improve things, but it feels too uncertain and scary right now.

Thank you Dr Eilers-this sums-up my current situation. I feel like I am now living-out Faith No More's 'Mid Life Crisis' on a daily basis. 🤢Many thanks for your excellent advice on how to break-free from my self-destructive programming...

Im diognosed with depression, and have adhd. My life froze totally when the love of my life was murdered 5 years ago. And i cant seem to get out of freeze and grief. Theese videoes gives me at least spme kind of understandig and learning about its normal ti have theese reactions and why life can feel so dead

I've been low for years now and it takes a toll lol. I'm not sure what to do with myself

You're great. One can tell that you know what you are talking about from experience. The therapists I had never gave any advice that was even nearly as good as yours. Thank you

I'm in a situation like this. I'm a survival, a famous psychologist here in Brazil (Contardo Calligaris) was researching about my case (my life) and talking to me to try to understand how I survived tragedies equivalent of spending three years in a Concentration Camp and one year in the front line of a war. Unfortunatelly Contardo died and now I'm facing an even worst siruation. I can't stand suffering anymore. The only dream I have is to be dead, I often pray to wake up from this nightmare people call life. I think no one has suffering so many tragedies after tragedies in life. And I can't stand it anymore. But I'm so tired and freezing I can't suicide. It's like I'm living a nightmare for more than 40 years and I can't wake up.

Existential depression is so different from what you discuss on this channel. I am sure it is great for those with "normal" depression. Really I appreciate your desire to help others. What I have is a true anomoly. Yes, I am special.

It's a thought, not a feeling. It's important because the attached feeling might be something like sadness or even anger.

Skilled trades are a grind. I have 19 more years of this shid left.

I'm stuck on Groundhog Day. I'm 74. My husband died 6 years ago. It took me 5 years to get over it. I thought: I will never want a relationship again. But yesterday to my surprise I was thinking of going on a dating site. It makes me very uncomfortable and I read a lot of bad reviews. I'm more of the type to let things happen. But I don't work. Dating sites make me feel like I'm desperate. But my standards are high. I'm in doubt. Just thinking out loud.

I don't have a direction, don't really know where to go and there is no one around either. So it's hard to find the strength or the motivation.

So 1. make a plan 2. Small steps to get there 3. Improve your health

I've worked for 51 years! I have achievements! I have also had many struggles, and have had to start over and reinvent myself several times! But now, I'm feeling worn out, uninspired, and somewhat hopeless. I'm not sure how to proceed.

Thanks Dr Scott ❤

The thing abt changing your environment is sometimes it's totally outside your control, like you have to stay in a job or in a town you hate bcs you hv to take care of an elderly parent or u have a family to feed. I wonder how to move from stagnancy in these cases.

Thanks for this video. Exactly where I am and have been for a long time. The relationship analogy is spot on.

Your work is so helpful. Thank you very much! ❤

You hit an important nail on the head when you talked about who do I want to be today vs 5 years from now and how it has changed and will change. I'm not sure I have asked myself that in a direct way and I now need to figure out what will pull the rubber band far enough. Unfortunately, I have to stop watching the video @15:13 until I do because my ______(fill in the blank with diagnosis) brain will hijack that important trajectory with whatever you say next and all my now current momentum will be lost. Thank you for this approach!

Wow‼️ I absolutely love this information. Thanks‼️

Thanks Again Dr Scott. I am moving forward..

Great video Dr Scott. I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately so what you spoke about really resonated with me.

I am 68 yr old male and married to a narcissist..l was orphane twice have no family l need someone to talk to

Thank you Dr. Scott, you are crushing it with your uploads lately 💛

Have you ever talked about how to overcome environmental/climate change depression and anxiety? Or AI anxiety? I really like your videos but would really like to hear you talk about how to over come that.. I have clinical long term depression and anxiety but lately feeling very doom and gloom about the environment and humanity as a whole. Thank you for these videos though, they all apply to me, especially this one

WOW! This was fantastic, one of your best! The rubber-band analogy really hit home with me. I like to think that I am disciplined and responsible, but I'm not. I've been trying to change myself in incremental ways, thinking that that was all that I was capable of, and trying to address the worst aspects first, but I'm a continual recidivist. Without an overall game-plan, and thus being patchy in my approach to improving my life, I keep slipping back into wasting my time with random online entertainment. Thanks so much for your edification and inspiration.

I think I've been stuck for decades... Thank you I needed to hear this.

Dr. Scott, your videos never fail to offer me motivation and food for thought. Thank you!

Thanks for such great perspectives!

What a wonderful video. Thank you so much for talking to us. :)

Thank you for your wisdom. I just ordered your book from AMAZON and hope it gets to me before this weekend so I can delve into it. You are an inspiration and so selfless to share your knowledge with those who can identify with everything you say. It is like you have known me all my life and know my struggles. God Bless you and your family, your kindness is so appreciated.

You are basically describing the life of aspiring artists like me. :,D I want to work as a concept artist, illustrator or mangaka. For this, I have been honing my art skills for the past 6 years. About january last year I hit such a huge plateau I have not been able to overcome it by now. Like, I can draw and paint amateurish-decent but there is something holding me back big time from achieving a more professional look. So basically most of the days when I am not doing something with my husband or family outside (daytrips, vacation or even small mundane stuff) I have this "Everyday is the same, I am stuck"- feeling. I want to work as an artist because I love it but not being able to get better can really be soul crushing. I know that learning art skills is an up-and-down, there can pass months without any progress... but then, seeing others doing much better than me just hurts. If I wasn't so determined and loved art so much, I wouldn't be able to push through with this I guess. What you say about not doign stuff that stands in the way, for me it is basically not looking at social media at all or looking at stuff that makes me sad/depressed. If I was able to get rid of my self-doubt and voices in my head mirroring harsh critique and mocking from other artists I have received along my art journey, this would help me the most I guess. Thank you always for your content, I really appreciate it, especially because you feel like a very authentic person to me who had his own struggles. Also, I like the it when you randomly drop a gaming/anime/etc reference. :,D

Thanks Dr.Scott. This was another good video.

oh man thnaks a lot i really need this today.

Love your channel! Your content is extremely well presented and very useful. Just bought your book🙂

Thanks again, Scott. Great video.

So glad I found your channel sir

When you're married and 67 you get no where. He doesn't want to do something like move, it doesn't happen. He's happy so it's all good

Summary: Three steps towards change: 1. Get a sense of who you want to be and in which direction you want to move (make a decision) --> when we don't have a plan we let the world and our environment shape us, the plan can be adjusted over time as we reflect constantly on the direction we are heading (like testing hypotheses) 2. Make as many decisions as possible (on a daily basis) torwards this goal/ideal, always reflect: are my actions and decisions moving me torwards my goal or away from it? 3. Look at your environment (physical, social, digital, etc.): Is it supportive of your goal or is it holding you back? -> Make the stuff that helps you as accessable as possible and remove barriers. By controling our environment we pre-plan our decisions, we control our subconcious, bc most of our days we spend on autopilot. (Sorry for the errors I am not a native speaker)

Best guy on the internet. HE GETS IT. THANK YOU SIR

I feel like I'm going somewhere, but I don't want to go there. I just hate that path the least so I'm going there.