Thank you. Hehe no need to apologise about the planes! Ive been practicing surrender. Similar to 'who am I? Who is suffering?' Only less proactive. I dont seek the end of suffering for it is pointless. Like looking for the end of the earth. It will always happen. There is just such deep deep sadness in the body. No amount of grieving and alllowing seems to be enough. Other people say awareness is like a movie screen. That all things appear within it. Im most likely entering into a depressive episode again. My manic episodes while on medication are the only times I feel okay. I know liberation is the only way to escape this hell. To detatch from the stories. There have been so many moments that I have cursed being concious. I apologise for pouring this out to you I just dont know where to turn. So much of my life has been an internal war and a desperate clinging to for my will to live. To see other with a bliss body activation... it appears like a dream come true.
After speaking to a friend I see it now. I couldnt allow myself to sit with discomfort. The discomfort of sensations but also the habit of analysing how I am truly being for the thought that there is something wrong (in response to the uncomfortable feelings). It seems so simple in retrospect. The sense that something is wrong or disconnected persists but it dissapates once thinking is dropped. The 'problems' haha...
