My bf (from Japan) was confused when I said I love you so freely to him. I explained to him what my mom told me: “life is full of ups and downs and you never know what will happen. So I always want you to remember that I love you. Even if we fight or have struggles, when you’re sad or depressed, when you’re scared and alone. I want you to know that no matter what I love you..” He says “love you” now whenever he leaves the house.
Same. I’m Chinese and my family expresses our love through acts of service (though not really with words). Making or buying food for someone is equivalent to saying “I love you.” Asking if someone is hungry is like asking, “How are you? Are you ok?” Asking someone if they’re full (after a meal) is like saying “So you’re ok now?” Even though we never explicitly say “I love you,” it is implied through acts of service (usually revolving around food!)
I wouldn't say it's "fortunate". My parents rarely say I love you to me but I still know they do because actions speak louder than me and thet treat me very well, they respect my choices, they don't hit me or say horrible things like I hate you, they care about me... So I still consider myself lucky!!
We didn’t use to say it all the time. But one of my brothers died very young and nobody got to say goodbye to him, it was sudden. After that, every morning my mother would give me a hug in the morning before we both left for work. And every chance we would end a conversation on a good note and say I love you and goodbye. Because you never know what will happen. Growing up the saddest episode was of a tv show where a teenage girl said “I hate you” to her father and he left the house and died in a car crash. So I learned to always let my family know I love them And never walk away angry, always resolve things.
It took almost two years of saying "I love you" to my mom and grandma before they started saying it back. Heck, even across my family they're wondering what sort of magic I cast to get that to happen.
No judgement ever. I get it. But for me, saying I love you to my mom and girlfriend daily are things that bring me through the day. It genuinely feels good and never feels like it loses meaning. In some cases it is downright healing to my mental state.
Yeah, I feel that way. But I still cannot say I love you in my own language (I was born in the eu) I usually say it in English or any other language, since it has a much higher meaning in my native tongue
The thing is that there's other ways for these East Asians to show love and also some things that the Westerners do that they'll find very weird and not loving. For example Asian parents still often cook for their children even when they're 25 and they let them live together up until they get married. Unlike in the West when it's often expected than when you're 18 you're kinda all by yourself. So for them they see the Westerners as just as weird and unloving as many Westerners see the Asians. And therefore this discourse should be more nuanced. Not to say that non Asians shouldn't be able to criticise Asian culture, but if they do, they should still consider their biases.
Something I've noticed about the "I love you" thing from the west, is that sometimes you just don't know if you will see the person again. Someone could pass because of an accident and whatever you said last is the thing you'll remember. Saying "I love you" to someone could bring peace of mind...
Yeah I had a roommate who would call her mom, her dad, her brother, and her boyfriend every night just to say "I love you" because she was terrified of one of them passing away
for us it's just cringe so we never say it. my parents say it more often than me (it's still very rare) and if they do i dont even respond back because i'm too shocked 😭
@pepedust782 I'm not Asian, but North African. I understand what you say but it doesn't bother us that much. When my parents compliment me I don't really like it so much tbh (maybe because they used to never compliment me and now that they do, it feels fake and for the sake of showing more affection than in the past...?). I'm just used to not express or to not receive verbal affection. So I only felt slightly bad in my childhood and now I actually like it more that way?
I’m Russian and that is exactly the case. My grandma and I never expressed our love for each other verbally. She was battling cancer and i was visiting her on my spring break in college and randomly decided to say “i love you” when i was leaving her. She passed 3 days later and to this day i’m happy that the last thing i said to her were these 3 words. I’m terrified of losing someone without them knowing how much they mean to me. There’s not a single conversation with my mom or my stepdad that doesn’t finish with “i love you” and “i miss you”
I have asian parents, I think that I never heard them say "I love you" once. My problem now is that I have no idea how to show affection other than services and helping. Just saying "I love you" seems so strange to me, it doesn't feel authentic when I try to say it. I know that my parents love me but I don't think we can express our feelings openly.
I feel this so much, in my family we don't even say thank you very often, it's just implied through reciprocation of those acts of service. So I'm not sure an I love you would even be possible
@@anny8720 If you're EA culture coded it's because thank you implies formality which equals distance. You can make a friend native to Korea/China and if you say thank you some will look at you funny or you'll never become close friends. Apologies if you knew this already but I feel a lot of diaspora don't and I wish their parents would explain since a lot are conflicted by caucasian norms.
@@iimmortalldreams yeah I don't think we're lacking for not using thank yous tbh it's never felt needed tho it does feel weird comparing my family to my non ea friends and most of the asian people I knew growing up had more americanized parents while my parents just a straight up time capsule of when they left china
in my opinion saying the words cheapens love, the only time my parents and i say it to each other is when we havent seen each other for a long time or are going away for a long time. in everyday living, we express it through our actions and it is a given to us. i would like to believe your parents feel the same way, but the way they communicate makes it jarring since they grew up a probably a different culture to the one you grew up in with norms and expectations being very different.
please never stop making these videos! cultural literacy helps us to stop judging and start understanding people who act and behave differently. americans are so bad at thinking our values are superior and seeing other cultures as inferior. these videos really help❤
I relate to this so much! As the eldest daughter in a Filipino-Chinese family, I've never heard my parents, " I'm sorry" ever in my life even when I was unjustly accused or beaten. The last I've ever heard my parent say " I love you" was when I was 5 years old.
I feel this so much. And you're just expected to sweep it under the rug and not mention it, because acknowledging it would be perceived as disrespectful. It hurts.
Heehee. The exactly opposite problem of this video, going from the lack of “I love you” to the commodification of “I love you”, making the phrase meaningless.
I recently had a big fight with my mom about this. I'm a first generation Chinese immigrant in Germany and even though my parents are more open with their affection than other Chinese parents it still always bothered me how they would say such hurtful words during fights and just pretend nothing happened after a while (not a even an act of apology). My birthday was recently and my parents neither called nor texted me on my birthday. I kinda expected it but it still hurt. The following weekend was my birthday party and my parents cooked a huge Chinese buffet for my friends and I. The party was great but I just couldn't shake off the heavy heart of my parents not saying "Happy birthday" even once. The feeling persisted for a week and I finally decided to call my mom and tell her how much it bothered me and my mom was understanding at first but then got angry at how ungrateful I was. Don't get me wrong I'm super grateful that they did the party for me but I also told her "You could have saved 100€ and just texted me happy birthday and I would have been twice as happy". Then a fight broke out and she insulted me a few times. We kinda talked it out and after the call she texted me "Mom and dad will forever love you, remember that". I just felt instantly how this one message healed every crack in my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a western mindset since my parents do so many acts of services but I hate how they always insult me (weight related and high expectations) and just throw money at me to shrug it off. Maybe it's my immaturity I don't know. Over the years I've learned to deal with their way of showing affection and my parents have learned to say that they do in fact love me sometimes. I guess it's a learning process for us all.
So this basically means that you've become Westernised and internalised the Western standards of affection. You grown up with the I love you things from the movies to your peers so you think it's necessary for affection. Not that your family is wrong. Like youse said with food. Someone from a Western family that would grow up in Asia and get used to Asian culture will think the opposite. That whenever their parents say I love you but don't cook big meals for them, this is seen as hurtful and disrespectful. Which again shows that the two cultures have legitimate views. Which is okay. It's okay you as a Westernised Asian to have opinions on your culture. But you shouldn't think that your opinions are the only legitimate ones. Because you know, the West kinda dominates all the global culture, society and discourse. Judging other cultures. It's really not a fair thing and it's pretty culturally imperialistic too.
@@gamermapper You act like these "other cultures" don't judge the West themselves. They do and a lot. As an Eastern European, I had seen many Eastern Europeans and East Asians, who act like their culture is "morally superior" while the Western culture is "bad, rotten" because there you aren't legally allowed to execute homosexuals and treat women like garbage. Like, even Eastern countries themselves constantly hate and judge each other, which often results in bloody wars.
It makes you feel like you're indebted to them, that you owe them obedience in exchange for their service. Even if they love you, it's still a crappy feeling. It makes me feel like a sentient pet rather than a man.
@@gamermapper I totally agree that where you grow up plays a huge role in the kind of person you become because of the cultural impact of where you live and the values of your community/society.
Some real problems happen when some toxic Chinese parents not only refuse to say ‘I love you’, but also explicitly and constantly say ‘I hate you’ or ‘you are such a bad/disobedient kid compared to the child of my friend’. Their assertion of dominance in the confucian society in this way can have very profound impact on their children’s psychological development. Their children can become very depressed in their childhood, and sarcastically, when the children grow up, they will repeat this to their own children and then this ideology passes on from generation to generation 😢😢
What's wrong with you? Keeping saying i love you IS a problem. Anglo-Saxons has the loudest voice on the world stage doesn't automatically mean their habits are right, are laws to follow
You *is* the polite form of you. We dropped the impolite form (thou), not the polite one. Swedish is an example of a language that dropped the formal version (ni). And the switch from titles and "ni" to the informal "du" only happened as a very intentional shift that lasted from ~1900-1970
Exactly correct. That is why in the King James translation of the Bible, addressing God is done with "thou" (informal), not "you", to show a close relationship.
i was under the impression that 'you' used to be 'thou', with the letter þ (thorn), but printing presses, being predominantly german, which lacked þ, used y instead.
@@XenTownsend that's a coincidence. you are correct that y was used to print þ (because in handwriting þ had become closer and closer to y), but you and thou were different words, which can be seen in verb inflections e.g. "you are" vs. "thou art"
@SibilaDelphos I don't believe I am useless, thank you very much. I got a whole lot of bad energy from commenting here, leave me alone. Does the concept of someone being a confident person without loving parents threaten you? Is that why you felt the need to project insecurity onto me? I've gone through hell and back for my confidence. It is well earned. It's a bit odd to wave this in people's faces though, I can see how it can be intense and overbearing - so I usually don't. Don't tell me I'm insecure when I'm not. I'm just annoyed at the bias.
The irony of being bullied off a comment thread by people with supposedly loving moms, who have a condescending bias towards those of us with unloving moms - who clicked on this video for some reason 🤦🏾♀️ I'm so damn irritated with the immaturity. You got an easier deal in life in the parent department and you still lack empathy and compassion. I was fed up of trauma bonding, and I'm trying to figure out how to connect with people who had better relationships with their parents. It's been really difficult, there's so much judgment from your crowd! So little compassion for the trauma responses! So much overexplaining just to be misunderstood anyway! I'm exhausted. The earth is a lovely mother too.
European here. Every time i have lost a loved one i just wished i would have said and expressed my love more during the time we had. I should say it much more often.
Indeed, the older I get and the more friends and family I see dying off, the more I realize how important it is to tell people how much you care about them, while you have the chance. You never know if it's the last time you'll see someone.
Indirect speech drives me crazy. My asian partner asks me "have you seen my phone", and when I say "no" she gets angry at me because I didn't get up and look for it. Bruh, if you want me to do something, just tell me.
I think that’s why Western expressiveness is still trending, there’s too much cost and friction to learn a lifetime of nuances specific to a culture, and then still make mistakes which can easily spiral into personal permabans. Power distance can be fatal; whole planeloads of people have died because the flight deck wasn’t as assertive toward their pilot in charge as they should have been.
I find lack of detailed communication in southeast asia the worst. You land with the plane, get to the hotel, you say you have a reservation and give them your info, but then you see the two receptionists bickering in their local language. You're thinking what's wrong and they just say "please have a seat" in English and you sit down confused. Turns out the room wasn't ready... But that's like the basics of communication, you need to explain the situation and not ignorantly think that you can argue in front of a guest and think we won't know. It's like a magic wall pops up when they switch to their local language and completely disregard the fact that they're unprofessional in front of a guest. Another thing is when you're in a serious relationship and at some point your love breaks up but doesn't tell you exactly 😂🤦🏻 They would just argue and say everything else except the words "break up".
This! I'm more "westernized" than my mother and sometimes I ask her the same "Have you seen [ ]?" and she gets so angry and berating! She thinks I'm asking her to find it, but in reality I'm genuinely asking is she has seen it nearby.
@@doujinflipi would argue western expressiveness has the same amount of nuance you need to learn. Its not more effective communication necessarily, you just understand it better.
in my language (serbian), saying a full on "volim te" ("i love you") sounds too heavy, but over time we've started saying the abbreviation "vt" between friends, which probably stems from texting, and it sounds much more casual! i think the ways in which languages adapt are so cool
Hey! I live in Switzerland but my parents are Serbian and we talk Serbian at home but I‘m not sure how often people usually use „volim te“. My mom rarely says it to me, but for me it feels too heavy to say😅 Since you probably live in Serbia, in what settings/relationships would you say people say „volim te“ and how often?
In my country (Poland) "I love you" is reserved more for romantic love, parents expressing love for their child would be more like... praising them? "You're such a good and talented kid and your interests are epic" is much less awkward than "I love you" when my mum says it. Of course there are families where this phrase is very common, but overall I've never heard any parent tell their kid "I love you", ESPECIALLY in public. I think that if I said to my family "I love you" outta nowhere they'd be worried about my mental health lmao
Yeah, Portugal here and "I love you" is usually reserved for romantic love (unless you are drunk or in an extreme situation, then all bets are off). If parents express love verbally it's via "I am so proud of you having done X" or "I really like X thing about you" or "I feel lucky to be your parent" or other things like this. In writing, we may write "I like you very much" (or in special days we may say it), which does not sound childish like in English, but serious and reserved to your family and closest friends.
Also, a lot of mothers (most usually) in my culture still show love via food. They bring food when they visit, they ask if they can send more food, they ask what are have been eating... although to be fair my culture revolves a lot around meals.
yeah, I would say the same in Cantonese, except because I never grew up in HK or China, I can't say for sure. I love you in Cantonese sounds like a momentous step you would say to the person you're about to marry. Saying it willy nilly like in English just isn't normal
i say i love you in english often but in my native language somali its only reserved for my parents which feel weird sometimes and maybe a rare occasion for my siblings (not cause i hate them but the word is strong) saying to friends in somali i could never
I'm from Ghana and this all feels so relatable. Saying 'I love you' sort of feels like a really powerful thing than you say anyhow. Saying you love someone is only ever used on a few rare occasions, usually between couples and in church when we say "Jesus loves you."
I'm an older midwestern white american that married chinese, and we've had these discussions. It's perfectly possible to overuse words until they have no meaning anymore, but also, acts of service isn't an either-or choice versus words of kindness. A good parent uses both. And knows when NOT to use them. I've seen parents guilt-trip their kids, even young ones, by saying how much they work for them when it's really just basic parenting duties and I come down pretty harshly on that. Children aren't there to serve adults. I've seen this more often in chinese circles because while it must also happen in american ones, the american ones tend to hide that kind of treatment from other americans for the obvious reason of being called out on that behaviour by other adults.
I don't know if you realise this, but towards asian cultures, parents are expected to serve the children, and children are expected to serve their parents. Such hierarchy is not a one-way dominance (that's a form of abuse), it's a reciprocal social structure. Filial piety isn't just individual duty, it's also a form of trust and form of societal co-operation. Since you've married Chinese, your Chinese partner is opening their comprehension of western culture, then you should open your eyes to eastern culture and the subtle reasoning for why certain things exist.
As an American with a greek immigrant father, I always could related to my Muslim and Asian friends because our parents treated us the similar crazy strict ways .i later found out in psychology it’s called Traditional parenting styles and in my experience it unites kids with shared trauma lol 😂
Bruh, you don't know the half of it. I'm a full bloodied Greek, and my parents were older than usual when I was born. This meant I was essentially raised with a 1950s to 1960s parenting style.
Lol growing up in NYC all of my best friends (who I've stuck with for 30+ years) are the children of immigrants and consistently our favorite talking point is the similarity in our parents even though we're all from completely different backgrounds
@@ΣτελιοςΠεππας I’m in my mid 20s but my father from Greece is in his 70s rn, I am very lucky my other parent was American so I got the best (and worst) of both worlds LOL
because most immigrates that weren't part of the US side during the cold war retained collectivist cultures and norms. After the war, with the boom of the economy and jobs, families in the west could afford not being collectivist and start weird trends (moving out at 18, buying a house at 18 which then resulted in more freedoms in personal life etc). Though with how much economy wise has changed , families in the west are going back to a collectivist culture they abandoned after the war Meanwhile everywhere else retained a collectivist style of culture around their families because the could not afford to be individual like the west which is why they held on to it and only now with their economies in a much better state, the internet and with some of the disapora going to the west and learning about individualism, those societies are becoming more individualist but not at the rate that ameirca did. Reason why immigrant parents seem to be unable to express themself properly is because in collectivist families, needs of many outweighed the needs of one so one could not focus on ways to work on expressing themself as often.
@@elevatedmeance6807 This is some actually good historical and cultural information, someone like you could make a good commentary video out of this topic!
I think the western ‘I Love You’ can serve two purposes too depending on context and emotions expressed behind it. We have the causal ‘I Love You’ that you may say at the end of an interaction as maybe a lite reminder and the rarer one where we might bring some one in close and with deep emotion express ‘I Love You’ when we’re really feeling it. I don’t think saying it often cheapens the later expression at all.
your videos are so good. very sophisticated, multi angled, and quite deep without being dry. great work! I enjoy them a lot. also wanted to add that it does justice to asian culture's depth, and it "humanized" Asian culture in a Eurocentric world by breaking it down where certain seemingly buzzard actions are coming from.
Speech is an action. Risking the psychological vulnerability of saying it despite the uncertainty of reciprocity is was makes it more powerful than mere action. As an aside, I think it’s becoming less common in relationships. My coworkers would talk about sex all the time and all the crazy stuff they were into but I mentioned the word love they would shrivel.
Issue with speech is that people say I love you to feel good or comfortable or out of obligation. At the end of the day most relationships are held together through comptability and obligation. All that emotional stuff around the words is convoluted and not alwayd as meaningful as the words are idealized to be.
@@trollingisasport people saying I love you to feel good about themselves is not bad. People who say it out of obligation is not an issue either. I used to focus too much on the “you” in I love you and not enough on the “I.” When I would say it, all I really wanted was for the person I was saying it to to say it to me. Now when I say it, I only say it if it’s true regardless of whether or not the person I’m saying it to says it back.
My family says I love you to each other pretty regularly, but we’re also pretty Americanized. Glad this is one more thing I didn’t have stressing me out lol
Oh my goodness thank you so much for taking a deeeep dive into this topic Aini! I would never think that the direct expression of love can be a threat to the social hierarchy in East Asian culture (which is like you said very role-oriented while expressing affection almost bypass the role of the person), which is why it was rarely seen! I also totally relate to the phenomenon that it is earlier to say I love you in English than my first language (mandarin), I would almost get goosebumps when I utter the phrase because it almost feel cringy me (and interestingly I started to feel it in English, too). Based on what I learned from the video, it seems like my belief of the utterance of love is still heavily influenced by my Chinese heritage😳. I think another thought that I have when it comes to vulnerability is that although I view vulnerability is an essential part of any kind of relationship, if we are applying the same logic (that it can be a threat to the hierarchy), can this be the reason that vulnerability is not being viewed as important, sometimes even discouraged, between parents and children? Man that’s a lot 😂😂😂 but again this topic is so interesting and I’ve watched several of your videos and I’ve enjoyed them so far🤩🤩🤩thank you so so much for sharing your insights! 爱你🤩❤️
I'm so glad this video showed up in my recommendations because youtube apparently unsubscribed me for some reason and it was so good, I would've hated to miss it! I think it's a really well-made overview of the whole topic and a lot of things that play into it. I honestly especially liked that you also included a segment about the attitude of US Americans towards it, it was very interesting! I'm from Germany, and while things are changing with US influence, at least in my family expressing any kind of care was definitely a "special moment" thing at most, and even then we kinda skirted around it. Same goes for compliments, and honestly since complaining is kind of our smalltalk, saying "there's nothing to complain about" is like. a BIG compliment honestly lol so when I first got in contact with US Americans in particular online, it was... very strange. It all felt over the top, honestly (and sometimes it still does). Especially when my friends would say "I love you", not even in a slightly roundabout way, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I feel I adjusted relatively well by now, at least when it's writing and in English, but I still rarely say it if not in return, and instead for the most Emotional moments I use things like "I cherish you" or "I care for you" bc "love" just feels so.... strong and inappropriate to express directly? Even when I was dating someone I never did :'D I think it's also influenced me to be a bit more open in my native language and I can now usually fight through the at best awkward feeling of telling someone things like "I enjoyed spending time with you today" or whatever, but I still would never consider telling someone I like/love them directly, except for maybe a special occasion like a birthday or if they bring it up first. MAYBE. Okay it was genuinely such a good video I had so much more to comment on but this is already such a huge wall I shall refrain. But yeah, that part in particular somehow really got to me so again, thank you for all of this
As an American, I think I got culture shock just from watching this. I would never last in East Asia, I can't even read the bits of indirect communication we do use here in the U.S. I'm lousy at "reading the room" as the saying goes. I do wonder if the hesitancy to talk about emotions is why mental health and mental health treatment are so stigmatized in some East Asian countries. Because the treatment for such things is usually psychotherapy, which involves talking about emotions.
It's more acceptable to have a physical disability or illness that explains your inability to do normal things but can be cured or has easily understood treatment than having a mental illness or psychological disability, though disability in general is also stigmatized for putting extra burden on your family to take care of you. Asian parents often trust the doctor over a therapist, and you have to prove your mental illness and that therapy and medication would be effective. My mom would buy cough medicine in the middle of the night if I got sick but I get constantly asked if I really need meds for adhd and she still doesn't really understand it (bc shes probably the one I got it from and she thinks it's normal) and I frame it around performance in school instead. I feel with mental illness in particular they don't like the uncertainty of you not getting better and that mental illness don't necessarily have a clear cut cause and effect, or that they may be the ones who contributed to it and need to adjust and make amends for their behavior. This is where western therapy speak kinda falls short imo bc you're not supposed to question your parents authority like this and hold them to be accountable for their actions. The trope of a higher authority coming in to talk sense into your parents and make them understand the child's viewpoint is also popular because of this and always hits different when I see it in asian video games, ga-ming's story quest in genshin is a recent example that some western fans didn't like bc they felt xianyun (higher authority as an immortal being) crossed boundaries in inserting herself in his issues with his father without ga-ming asking her to do so, but that is the fantasy for a lot of teens that someone unattached will take action and it not be perceived as disrespect from the child like it would if the parent knew they requested outside help. I wrote a lot but I have experienced this personally so I hope my explanation helps
This is a great video. I didn't realise how any of that worked. It explains some of my difficulty. My dad, British, will express love all the time but he is unwilling to treat me like a daughter but rather treats me like a friend. My mum will never express love towards me but she will go to the ends of the earth to fulfil her duty as a mother and make sure I have a good life.
Give me examples like if and when I became a father I will treat her as a friend cause I never had a dad so I dont know what you mean the role of father ? Other than being a guide or advices from an elder friend (aka me )
@@Ahmad-os3siYour child is an independent person who might not share any interests with you and who might not enjoy hanging out with you. It’s possible that your child may not even like you very much. As such, your child isn’t your friend, and that’s fine. As a father, you can still be available for them and protect them and help them out, even if you have nothing in common with them. Also, a child is NOT your equal. As a father, you are expected to provide emotional support and companionship to your child. Your child should NOT provide emotional support and companionship to you. They should not be expected to bear that responsibility when they are young, even though normal friends would do that.
@@my2iu still I dont understand your definition of friend I know all of this but the comment said that her father is refusing to be her father but choose to be a friend I don't understand that ?
@@Ahmad-os3si As the father, you often have to discipline your child or get tough with them and force them to do things they might not like such as doing chores or doing homework etc. Some parents would rather be liked by their child than to enforce discipline. A parent who is your friend will just do all the fun stuff with you and let you do whatever you want even when you are wrong and behaving immaturely. A father will also be stern with you when you are acting selfish and immature. Who forces you to eat your vegetables, do your homework, go to sleep at bedtime, put down the phone, and to stop playing games all the time? It isn’t your friends.
Growing up, I mostly indulged in Western media and saw family dynamics where everyone was really affectionate and open with each other. So I expected my parents to be the same. When I was 14, I made a big scene at home, crying and tearing up family pictures because I was upset that my parents didn't hug me or say "I love you." 😭 I can't even remember the last time they said it, if they ever did. I thought that's how families were supposed to be, based on what I saw in movies, celeberities, and even from vloggers. Over time, I've come to realize that it's normal for families not to have that kind of relationship. The families of the ppl i know and the way family is portrayed in my country are different from what I saw in Western media. I had this expectation that our relationship should be full of gentle, sweet words and affection. Instead, I get passive agressive comments, but hey they're only concerned for me.. idk if that's a good thing or a bad thing... i know they lov e me and want what's best for me but i nust hate how i i feel uncomfortable when ppl are affectionate to me because i never got that from my parents
Thank you for this honest comment. To me it explains how messed up things can get for a person who grows up in a different cultural environment then their family relations did. And how that has great influence even later in life. I always lived in one place in one culture that my family is also part of, so I never had an experience like yours. Thank you for sharing, I feel I learned about a new perspective because of your honesty.
You don't have to like the way they chose to show their love, I also felt the same with the passive aggressive concern. Concern itself is fine but I don't like having to repeatedly reassure them on the same topics everytime and they seem to doubt me more than they believe in me
Sounds like your feelings are very valid... I don't come from your culture at all and still relate to your experience to a certain extent. Affection is a need, and if the closest people to you don't show you affection, it's just normal to feel upset. And no, passive agressive remarks are not a way to show care. They are just an underhanded form of agression that people justify with the excuse of "but I'm concerned for you". Think about it, if you're concerned about someone would you repeat mean things to them? I don't think we should excuse toxic relationships by saying "it's the culture". Sometimes the culture itself is toxic.
Excellent video. Yes. My mom may not say i love you often but I know her love is as consistent as the sun rising and setting each day. And its true that so many standards of what is "wrong" is through a Western video. Thanks Aini. This has made me feel a lot better about myself and culture. And with what you mentioned about folktales of men expressing their love too freely to lure girls, that actually makes so much sense when you put it in context of Asian parents' reluctance and suspicion of new people in their kids' social circle! Theres a fine balance to walk across both sides of course but context always helps.
Great video as always! You're my #1 East Asian culture educational channel! Though American society is not homogeneous. In particular, in some conservative communities, the relationship between parents, specially fathers and their children, is very absent of affectionate words like I love you. It's because to them, the expression of emotions and affection is sign of weakness as, just like you mentioned, it corrodes the power dynamic and the ability to control others, mainly at work, and many extend this notion to their personal relationships like the connection to their kids. Part of the reason that the modern American culture of parenting is moving towards BOTH acts of services AND verbal expression is to ensure their children grow with minimal trauma and secure attachments. I have not seen a comparative study, but all the studies I've seen in this area shows how this style of parenting increases the mental health of the children and their sense of safety later in life. Another note is that in American culture, given the level of individuality, it is known that what would keep their relationship between children and parents once they grow is not power dynamics and power imbalance. Therefore, expression of love is not deemed threatening to corrode the power dynamic since that power dynamic does not exist as of late teen years anyways. Lastly, I don't think anyone says I love you to their kids to continue their connecion, nor do partners do that to continue their relationship because high mobility does not mean "if you don't say I love every day then it's over". That was a reach! ;)
I think many Asian parents instill more fear than love in their children. I think it may have something to do with ensuring that we don't become "soft" or uncompetitive. My parents never said they love me or good job. Even when I won at national competition and got full college scholarship, they still didn't say that. It's just gave me more assignments, yelling, beating, ensuring that I stayed on track and became successful. And when the child finally grows up, saying I love you after all that would just be weird and cause cognitive dissonance.
I disowned my parents for less, ask yourself if they really serve any value to you or if what you really stay attached to them for is the idea of what a parent should be and that you're still holding onto them because letting go would require acceptance of that lack of fulfillment
The ironic thing is, all that verbal and mental abuse they think will "toughen" you up just makes kids develop into timid adults who can't stand up for themselves or challenge authority when necessary.
@@bl-nb8foInterestingly, speaking from personal experience, all that abuse I suffered as a child just taught me that no one else but myself will stand up and fight for myself, so I will have to be the one to do so. So many times as a kid I have to run to the kitchen and grab two kitchen knives just so they would fucking back off with the caning 😅 And they fucking wonder why I don't talk to them any more lololol
Discussions on indirect language show me both how abuse has shaped my perception of the world and why I get on a lot of people's nerves. I am American, if it's not incredibly obvious Not reading indirect communication properly got me smacked a lot as a kid, so I became fluent in it while hating indirect communication. My dad is the type to mock his kids for saying I love you, believes that actions are enough, and is incredibly indirect with speech. He is the son of two Ukrainian people I now view refuse to deal with indirect communication, yet read it fluently. Like someone will say "It sure is hot today", I will understand they want me to turn on the fan, and I will completely ignore that request because I view it as rude they would not ask directly. I view it as rude to make me have to put the effort into understanding what you want and then punish me if I fail. I then started musing on the power dynamics of that sort of situation. Part of why I am so direct is that I'm willing to argue, fight, etc. if the consequences of my statement are negative. I can now see why a lot of people would consider direct communication to be rude. It's an invitation for a confrontation, which many people simply do not want to do. And if there is any sort of power imbalance, that confrontation becomes so much harder to have. I do not think either way is more valid, but I will continue with my directness and not honoring people's indirect requests. Thank you for the new perspective, it was enlightening
someone said this was an interaction between 'ask' culture and 'guess' culture, but this new framing actually makes a lot more sense in power dynamics. the soft conditioning to flex someone's power by making you act without direct command, only through constant apprehension of their discomfort. it's very 'politeness/proprietary' coded and absolutely a tactic abusers use
Direct communication forces the hierarchical and power dynamics between people to rise to the attention of both parties, traditional cultures and abusive people view the hierarchy as natural and a thing that shouldn't be questioned. Which is why they think they shouldn't have to ask an "inferior" to serve them. If they have to ask it invites questioning, criticism and negotiation, so they don't want that, so they just make indirect comments. Though, sometimes people are just clueless of their environment so they might not see the solution to their problem right in front of their nose, so there's nuance.
@bl-nb8fo given that there are people who literally can't, like autistic people, that view from the other side is very ignorant and not all that smart either
What a great video. Communication is fascinating and honestly, quite difficult. It's hard to say whether or not there's a right answer, but I think making sure people know you care about them is almost always a good thing. This is tangential, but in my own life, I'm pretty careful about saying I love you. My mom and i say it to each other the most, and it's typically when I leave the house. Morbidly, it's because if one of us gets into a car accident, then that phrase will be the last thing we've said to each other. As a lesbian, I feel awkward saying it to my female friends, and I've had one conversation where we clarified right away that it was platonic. My best guy friend and I say it to each other once in a while, we've been friends for close to twenty years at this point. I don't feel the phrase has been significantly watered down in my own life, but when I am truly *filled* with love toward another person, the word doesn't feel like nearly enough. I feel like sitting down with the person and showing them a deeply emotional song and saying, "Okay, THIS is how I feel when I think about you." Poetry/song lyrics get the closest to my heart. I have learned to recognize love in the actions of other people, but I think I'd probably end up hurting if no one ever said it to me again. My mom said her parents basically never said it to her (Midwestern American raised) so she made it a point to make sure both my sister and I grew up hearing it. And I'm really, really grateful for that.
my dad is a jamaican immigrant of mixed chinese ancestry and i've definitely noticed the trend of acts of service over words of affirmation within him. i've gotten into the habit of saying i love you at the end of a phone call but i can't recall him ever being the one to initiate those same words. however, he'll gladly give me gas/grocery money or bring me a bowl of sliced fruit and i've learned to appreciate it just as much
Me : *"I love you"* My parents : *"Are you a doctor or a lawyer now?"* Guess for Asian parents, actions speak louder than words. Also flying flip-flops is just Tuesday for us xD
I prefer it this way. It means when I say it, it holds more weight. If you've ever been part of friend groups, especially female ones, worked in a white collar office job in the West it's full of "I love you" but being two faced. It costs nothing and most times means nothing. You can have a bf/gf say they love you to high heavens but still treat you like an afterthought and cheat. Asians learn talk is cheap early.
@@iimmortalldreamsPeople are gonna people, east or west. Saying I love you generally isn’t common for coworkers as much though. Unless you genuinely are close friends, I’ve never really heard of that.
Very interesting video. In reverse, although I greatly prefer emotional openness, it makes me think of the dark side of Western affection too. Many dysfunctional families weaponize love and affection in order to get what they want. "But I love you so much, how could you (anything they don't agree with) to me???" "I love you so much, but you don't do anything in return (when you don't give affection in the way they want" "You can never understand how much I love you, so you (do this impossible thing I want)" While this has opened my eyes to other cultures, I can't say ours is perfect either. (Though I do think emotional openness makes it easier to foster strong relationships.)
Aini, your videos are great and insightful beyond explanation. This channel has become one of my favorite channels. I have repeatedly watched your videos (which I usually don't do at all.). I am getting educated a lot through your channel about east Asian cultures. Thank you so much for these thoroughly researched videos. ❤
i've read somewhere that for a bilingual person, the learned second language doesn't really hold that much power while talking. my first language is not english and whenever i felt overwhelmed by my emotions and felt like i could not utter the words without bawling my eyes out, i would just start talking in english. a person's first language always holds a lot more meaning and emotion than a second one.
I speak a bunch of languages, and saying "I love you" comes much more naturally in some and not in others. I would NEVER say it in German, for example, but no problem in Italian or French.
In the words of Winston Churchill, “speaking to a person in their second language is speaking to their brain, but speaking to them in their native language is speaking to their heart.”
i agree with everything that you said and found your video so interesting and enlightening but!! i have a small precision to add. at some point you said that "you" was the equivalent of informal speech and that everyone addressed anyone else using that pronoun in english. although that is partly true, i think it's interesting to see where that came from. as you probably noticed in shakespeare's plays, old english had another pronoun, "thou". i'm french so i'll use french to compare it, but "thou" was the equivalent of "tu" in french, so the second person singular pronoun, while "you" was the equivalent of "vous", the second person plural pronoun. in french there are several ways to express respect and formality through speech, and one of the main ones is by switching between "tutoiement" (the use of the "tu" when speaking to a singular person) which is seen as less formal and/or respectful, and "vouvoiement" (the use of the "vous" when speaking to a singular person) which is viewed as more polite. but this pattern was observed also in english back then, but over time, people were so concerned with appearing as polite, educated and somewhat posh, that everyone started using "vouvoiement" with everyone! and so "you" gained the role of also being the second person singular pronoun and somehow lost it's formal and respectful feel, while "thou" was completely abandoned. what's funny is that now most people actually think that "thou" was a pronoun used back then to show respect and a higher form of speech, but it's actually quite the opposite! so when juliette says “o romeo, romeo, wherefore art thou romeo?” she's not actually acting all kinds of sophisticated on her balcony, she's just an ordinary teenager complaining in a plain, ordinary way about her crush. this got suuuper long which was not my intention, my bad.
European languages, especially in the west, have become much less formal with these kinds of address than in previous generations. It actually illustrates pretty clearly the shift along the spectrum towards individualism and equality of person.
@@cmaven4762 yes totally! i personally think that's quite a positive change, but that might be my very western identity speaking :) i just like how through the discarding of formal address, you're reminded that we all have the same value, living each experience for the first time, and that there is not one individual less important than the other who should be brought down by using humbling speech.
Your videos have taught me so much on topics that I've always noticed but never fully understood, thank you! I've had chinese friends, and my friend was in a situationship with a chinese partner and after seeing this video I now see how alot of their ways of showing affection was more service based, while reserving certain words for deeper connections. Also related but not entirely related, my brother and I learned chinese from middle to high school and my senior year we visited China as part of my brothers exchange program. We met chinese exchange students and their families and spent alot of time together. When we were saying goodbye I hugged one, he was shocked and when I was about to hug the other he stopped me and just verbally said goodbye. After it happened I was a bit hurt but thought about it and thankfully back then I had some understanding that it must be a difference in culture. This video got me reflecting on that now and it makes much more sense why it happened that way. As a mexican-american we're very used to openly showing affection whether by hugging, kissing on the cheek, it won't take long to start hugging someone we view as a friend. I viewed them as friends and responded how my culture would on impulse. Now I see they also were thinking/responding how their culture would. It's all so interesting!!
I grew up with my dad's half of the family - who are Italian - and my dad is just the same way, if I were to say I loved him he'd assume I was about to do something dramatic!! We'd joke and cook for each other and sometimes rarely hug each other, but we just never said those words. I studied Japanese throughout high school and college and it gave me such a fresh perspective on the concept of parent-child relationships outside of the Euro-centric American background I had and the backgrounds I saw with my peers. It took me ages to learn that love is more than words!!! I appreciate your multi-layered perspectives as always.
In German we have two expressions for affection, wich help resolve the tension in the individualistic need of affirmation.: "Ich liebe dich" is the direct translation of "I love you" and is used primarily for intimate relationships. it carries quite significant weight and people saying it too early is deffinitely a red flag in relationships. Then there is also "Ich habe dich lieb", wich could loosely be translated to "I have love for you", wich better expresses platonic love and doesn`t carry as much weight if used between family. This said, I still feel, that me using it to end conversations with my family is regarded as more open than is usual, generally speaking.
It’s core in our culture that action speaks louder than words, and sometimes you need words to reach the extra depth when needed. I think ideally there’s a good balance that can be achieved, though the “balance” might not be 50/50. Coming from a fully Chinese family, my parents have never said I love you in front of me, but i never doubted their relationship because of what they do for each other, because I think that’s their “balance”. Also reminded of an interesting contrast. In my culture, if people say “sorry” in English, it can sound insincere. But the time my mom said sorry to me in mandarin, it weighs so much heavier and whatever mistake she made, i immediately forgave her. Props to the great video, releasing it on 520! (20th May, 520 when said it mandarin, sounds like 我爱你)
“Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen, Emma
Your videos are getting less views, but know that they are very interesting and it's always a pleasure to watch one of them, so please keep up creating them! Can't wait for a new one!
This video really touched on something I have really identified with, being someone who was a decade+ early to the mainstream western introduction of Japanese and Korean culture but never really felt like I quite fit in with typical American culture. Asking why do Asian parents never say I love you is a very western-centric question to ask, and I am glad you pointed that out. It can be something very hard to understand as a child when American media portrays a typical family as something very different. You may think "Why can't my parents be normal like everyone else?" Especially at the formative ages, fitting in is especially important so it feels like it's something wrong with you specifically for your family relationships not being like everyone else's. When I think about how I can know that my parents love me, it's not something that they did for me that immediately comes to mind. It's the general feeling that they sacrifice a lot for me, and then I start thinking back on the ways that they've done that. I also think back on times I was frustrated that they don't understand certain things do or assumptions they make that bother me. I remember one time I got really mad with my dad for dropping some errand (for the nth time) on me right away, like helping him fix something and being annoyed that I wouldn't just drop everything to do it right then. I remember my mom saying that my dad is just that way, and it's not like he doesn't love me even if he doesn't say it. It's something that's hard to exactly put into words, but in some ways, I feel like I can't understand how much my parents actually love me if I don't reflect on the things that they've done. It's not something that I think about in my day-to-day life but it is something that I will remember strongly. It's not something you can just hear about and make a judgment on. I appreciate aini making these types of videos because East Asian culture is just something I grew up with and I get from interacting with media, people, culture firsthand. There are so many things that get thrown out that people think "wow, that's crazy!" without trying to understand why or what the underlying cultural phenomena are. It's something you have to experience to truly understand, but you provide so much relevant context, some that even I wasn't super aware of, and you really provide a holistic view of things. Especially because while the culture is different, these things happening are not completely foreign if you took the time to think about it. Even for someone who's super direct, has there really never been a time you can think of where it wasn't appropriate to just ask or tell someone what you were thinking without any filter? You can say "wow, I could never imagine not saying I love you to my ____ every day," but you shouldn't think things like "oh wow, that's horrible!" It's just different, not wrong. Of course there are levels, and anything taken to the extreme is probably unhealthy. But back to my first statement, I feel more like my horizons have expanded when I just accept that some things are different for different people. And not everything should be centered about what makes sense to me being right for other people. For bicultural people who don't really feel assimilated to the mainstream culture, you can just accept that you're different and that's okay. You don't need to reconcile these differences to fit in if it just isn't you.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
I’m Mexican American and my ex wife is from China (moved to US in her 20’s). This was something I noticed with the differences between our families. Her family (Chinese) had the approach that actions are what proves love. My family (Mexican) showed love with BOTH actions and words. It seems among Latino communities, actions are not enough but in East Asian families, actions mean everything and words aren’t needed
Excellent content. SE Asia here - my mom actually said that from time to time in our lazy days. But thinking back, I and my sister surprisingly never learnt how to properly respond to it, even with being raised "westernized", while my mom was the exact opposite.
My wife is chinese and so I see this when she interacts with our kids. Though, I find that it comes from a place or insecurity, where she has a hard time expressing effection in general. I don't think this is solely a cultural thing. As my scot/Irish father is exactly the same. Prefering to shake my hand than give a man a hug. Haha.
I've grown up with an Asian mother and throughout a lot of years in my childhood I never felt loved by her despite knowing that she cares for me. I've grown up with a father, who isn't Asian, that prefers people to go to him for comfort and love and prefers to show his love through actions and once again, I've never felt loved enough despite knowing he cares for me. Growing up like this has caused a lot of issues for me in relations to others such as trust issues or never feeling loved enough by friends and those close to me. Despite all of this, I still constantly tell those that I hold close to me that I love them. Everyone is different but it's important to let those close to you know that they are cared for by you regardless of how to show that
@@LionHeartSamy Yeah. I don't plan to have any kids, but if I do I'm going to make sure not to raise them in a way that makes them feel like I don't love them
This video is soo good. Your explanation is so clear, so full of cultural background, is admirable how much you can teach through just a couple of minutes
I came out to my family a few years ago at 30. This was a very destabilizing event given that my immediate family and extended family who, though we all live far apart, are very close, are split about 50/50 between highly religious and highly atheistic. My parents are both religious. To add even more variables, I am still religious. Despite this, I still talk to my parents about once a week, they always ask about what Im up to and how Im doing and at the end they always tell me they love me. We dont have a lot of needs that can be resolved due to the distance. Sometimes, service is not applicable or sufficient because some problems are only happening in our heads/hearts.
I love your videos so much! They make me think and examine cultural understandings of the world around me, but in an approachable way that I have not seen by anyone else on this platform 💜💜 I hope that you continue to find joy and fulfillment in your content because me and many others love every single one you’ve made so far
so interesting because my parents say i love you to end almost every single conversation we have. the trade off is that we never actually ‘talk’ and it’s usually surface level conversation.
great video. I'm a Latino man and my parents immigrated to America when they were young. Love your video, and it was nice to see all the lights we see love through.
Doing what’s expected as a parent or family member can also build up resentment and frustrations of feeling taken for granted. Therefore verbally saying “I love you” or other words of affection can provide reassurance and appreciation.
This is very interesting to me, as someone who's been reading the ramblings andof the (largely english-speaking) aromantic community for years now. There appears to two major viewpoints on how "i love you" should be used. One believes it should be used more liberally, to express appreciation for friends, family, pets, etc, not just partners. The other believes the phrase is a crutch to express any positive emotion and should be used sparingly, with real consideration for what message you're trying to express. So that combined with your explanation of Asian parenting prompted an important question everyone should consider: What does "I love you" really mean? Of course, it means something different to everyone, between relationships or even across cultures. Some definitions overlap and others contradict. Some aromantics feel love very strongly, while some romantic couples don't express it verbally because they prefer to express intent through actions; much like the parenting styles you described!
I'm a Korean and I think you're a genius how you explained things so well and empathetically. I had parents who said "I love you" relatively more frequently than most, I would say. Though, that frequency was once every several months. No other Korean ever said that to me. While an Italian, a Canadian, or an L.A. American friends of mine would have no problem saying "I love you" on the phone or "I love you guys" while going out at night together. They also taught me how to hug. I have never hugged my parents. Instead, the main love language in between my families has been gifts. My great aunt giving me and my mom a box full of apples and sweet potatoes every time we come and say hi. And we keep saying no, partially because that's the polite thing to say to a gift like that, so we end up being pushed to taking them anyway because it's rude to actually not take those gifts. We also celebrate Chinese New Year (although it's called differently in Korea due to culture reasons) and one of the ritual is younger ones giving traditional full bow to senior members while saying something that can be poorly translated as, "Receive a lot of this New Year's blessing", and those uncles giving nephews an envelope containing some money, anywhere in between $5 to $50 in my family's case, in place of a more traditional bag of luck of sort. They're all gifts and actions. Things that they do say are some big polite traditional phrases, the understanding of courtesies are entirely based on cultural contexts, and never directly saying how much they care for each other. I'm a bit literal guy. So I thought this was really weird because it felt like, "Ok, my cousins and I are keep telling you older guys to be blessed. But we're all actually robbing you., and trying to look cute doing it" It never felt right to me. So one day, I left the country, and I was like, "Thank f-, I don't have to beg and rob my uncles anymore." But after hearing your explanation, this makes so much more sense! This was their love language! A very rare occasion that they get to have one!
There is nothing wrong with that perspective, what matters is that you feel loved by your parents. But from the western perspective theese things might be seen as just fullfilling your obligations as a parent beacuse it is expected of you. And you need to express that you love your family in ways that make it clear that it is unconditional and not tied to any practical things.
Tbf I grew up in an environment where my parents also showed that they loved me with actions and making sacrifices, but they still said it often, which sounds preferable to me.
@@Regarded69 This exactly. In our culture, these are not mutually exclusive things. They back up and reinforce each other. A lot of people do things for family out of obligation but that doesn't match up with what I understand as love. It's not a universal thing, but I definitely prefer both.
“The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one's narcissism. The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous to one. The opposite pole to narcissism is objectivity; it is the faculty to see other people and things as they are, objectively, and to be able to separate this objective picture from a picture which is formed by one's desires and fears.” ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
That's why I'm really glad that Aini highlighted American culture in particular when talking about the liberal use of verbal expressions of affection. People often label this a "western" habit. American/Canadian hegemony in global media often makes it seem that way. But this is forgetting that plenty of western cultures tend to be much less gregarious than North American ones.
@@bwnnn Swedish culture at least is basicly the same as American in terms of saying I love you and showing affection to your family members. Even though the social culture is the exact opposite in other ways. If you ask a stranger ''hows your day been?'' in Sweden there will be a police report filed.
This was fascinating! I first started understanding these differences when I watched the Hawaii season of terrace house. It’s so interesting to watch because of the differences in communication styles between the Japanese participants and the American ones
