Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? 

I feel sorry for my abuser. She has been through a lot. But I can't help her heal. I got my own healing to do.

I feel so sorry for him, hes 40 but he is like a child to me and im so much younger than him. I loved him but i hate him too for all the damage he caused me. Theres a soft spot in my heart for him even though he was so cruel to me. Its a love-hate relationship I wish i can stop feeling for him.

You can't really have to much empathy, this really is the highest human trait to have. It is something to be very grateful for, and even to cultivate. The real problem is that you have more empathy for them, than you have for yourself. So cultivate some warmth for yourself too! :)

I just did that, felt sorry for abuser. And it’s been 40yrs. Ago.

i would like to say, this woman has hit the nail on the head! God sent me this woman to speak to me the truth! thank you!

I feel so sorry for him, he's an orphan with no career prospects and I am a doctor, my career has always been steady. I was beaten up, abused verbally on a daily basis, financially supported him, and took care in every way I could. He has made me hate myself, he dehumanised me told me I was nothing but a horrible person who deserved it, and for the longest time (even today) i do feel that I deserve the abuse. Coming from the medical field, sympathy and empathy was deeply inculcated in my brain and I would always believe he didn't deserve such a horrible person like me. I was a rambler and would often spill out secrets, which was his excuse to isolate me from all my friends and family, never take me to meet his friends because I was the reason he had to leave all his friends. He often blamed me for ruining his life and career and made me attempt suicide 4 times within the last 6 months. One time when I was at his house I tried to end myself and he got so abusive and hit my all over my body saying "if you want to die then go fucking die but do not do it in my house as I would lose the next 30 years in jail". I still chose to forgive him thinking I was so selfish to try and end my life because it would destroy his. Yesterday I finally lodged a complaint against him and I still don't feel he deserved or that I did something wrong. I hope I find the courage to fight this

Wow! What you share here is totally true! Took me years to realize the truth and finally accept. When I started waking up and taking care of myself, my wife became more and more resentful and started making our marriage more difficult. She started calling me selfish and her smear campaigns through triangulation became more and more brutal towards the end. I’m still trying to get over the emotional trauma she put me through. I was a good husband; dedicated family man, financially responsible and so on, yet she just cast me aside. I know the relationship was toxic; a codependent empath married to a narcissist. Ouuch!!!!

My narc-ex admitted once when he was drunk “I know I sabotage my own happiness”. A little snippet of truth!

Thank you Vivian. I was just beginning to feel sorry for my ex-narc this week. My brain kept flooding with images and feelings of the good times. Images of his hurt face popped in my mind... Like my brain is trying to sabotage my non-contact rule. I do feel sorry for him sometimes, but I know he will manage to hurt me if I reach out.

I don't think we attract "narcissist's" exactly because the man I met was just an all around "good" guy. He was everything I wanted in a man. He was good looking he was an outdoorsman he was a "family man" (so I thought) he was respectful and caring he was fun and outgoing he was not overbearing he was a hard worker he was calm and relaxing he was a sweetheart. Well all of that was what I thought I was getting. I didn't think I was getting this insane narcissist who was gonna eventually treat me like shit and take advantage of me in every way possible and was going to use and Abuse me and disrespect me and threaten to kill me and completely ignore me around people and lie and cheat on a regular basis and physically beat me and demean me and control every single thing I did and get drunk and act like an asshole and blame me for everything and just be the devil. So I don't think I was attracted to a narcissist in any way what so ever. It's like he just turned into one over time and I was just full of love and hope for him. It's just so confusing. Why won't they just stay the way they are in the beginning?

I understand all of this, always have. I accept it. However, that does not make me stop the cycle. There are many like yourself who talk about the why's and how's we get into these types of relationships but there is no real answer or magic button that helps you to get out. I can sit here fully aware and still find it next to impossible to get out, to change it, to cut it off.

My ex husband use to do this, when he was caught having one of his affairs he got all down and out and it was the poor him TG I didn't go back had enough at that stage, HAPPILY DIVORCED and life is GOOD, no more mind games no more disrespect he can have ALL THE WOMEN he wants but NOT ME, I'am FREE from his abuse and live PEACEFUL AND HAPPIER life, I have TOTALLY healed and wouldn't want him near me, feel disgusted by the way he lives his life.

Marie Mar Same for me, I feel so sorry for the Narc I was with, it's so sad that they will always end up alone.

You tell exactly how it is!

This is def spot on. The one thing that gets me is they know what they are doing and my abusive artner at the time was very connected and we would have super deep and real conversations it was like night and day... hot n cold and flip like a switch in a sec... go to 0-100 in a matter of time. I truly appreciate this video bc I really resonate with this and it honestly has taught me more about myself... but thank you so much for your story and informative video. So happy you made it out... you are amazing!!!

I love that you mentioned recreating your childhood trauma. I'm at a personal crossroads but as I'm thinking through next steps, I think about events from my past and feelings of loneliness from my childhood that led me be in the type of relationship I'm in. Thank you. I hope I can find strength in this message

This is so true. People who have been abused in any way will get your point straight away. It is so accurate. I found myself in every word you say. So true how we forget about our pain when we feel sorry for them.

Spot on! Absolutely brilliant! I needed to hear this.

Thank you so much for making this video. I have been healing and learning from my mistakes to insure I don't draw another person like this. 💯

My goodness this is so true!!! I escaped mine today and this is absolutely on point! Xx

I needed to find this video today. Thank you

You know I feel like I never learn ,My ex boyfriend got sick really sick so I felt sorry for him and brought him home,to my home, and he just got so abusive and angry because he wasn't feeling well, even-though I. Was doing everything I could to help him he turned on me and beat me! Gave me a bad black eye and swollen face. I'm so humiliated. I can't even call the police anymore because I've gone back to him so many times. My childhood was great my parents loved each other and I wasn't raised this way .I appreciate your videos I'm trying to learn self-love and Learn from my mistakes but I still end up going back... If anyone can tell me anything that will help me let him go ,I would appreciate it, I am working on myself and in therapy.Aloha

This is so accurate. Thank you so much

This video should have a million likes

Thank you for this, resonating!

Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for anyone, but if the Lord advise you to separate yourself from someone. And He advise you not to communicate with them. You should do just that. Because it's for your own good.

The most imp is to recognize that they Absolutely DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!

Thank you for being here. I love your videos I can rewatch them for reassurance. I was with someone for two years who checks off just about every single box for the requirements of a narcissist. He left me when he made the situation so horrible there was no turning back. Do you know why I feel like it’s still my fault? That if I could have done something different it would have all been alright? I fight the idea that maybe I sabotaged it, but I really did try so hard when he was cruel everyday.

I just watched it .it just popped in...good timing....I needed to here it to clear my mind, So I can refocus n heal

Self-loving is paramount! Love is stupid if not reciprocated. Happy Chinese New Year! Missing HK from the Bay Area.

Wonderful video and best advice! From the North of Spain, THANK YOU. In Spain this is a very unknown topic... It's impossible to try to explain to others....

Thank you. This helped me and blessed me. It was just what I needed to understand the state I'm in.

I feel sorry for my Ex because he was due to be kicked out of his property (the Landlord wanted it back) thus didn't know where he was going to live. I felt so sorry foe him that I said he could stay with me, but then when he started snapping and snarling at me as he'd done on so many occasions I told him I was done and went no contact after blocking him. I wasn't tolerating his verbal abuse ant longer. I think about him and wonder what he's doing because of the sympathy I have for his situation but my self respect is more important to not let him shout at me. By doing so he shot himself in the foot. 🍒

So valuable, thank you! Gave me great insight. Nevertheless is sad to get abused and treated bad because you own empathy and a good kind heart.

Everything you say is extremely relevant and important information. However, I don't think it's always a person who has insecurities and childhood issues that ends up being manipulated by the narcissist. Any halfway decent human feels pathos; the most natural and desirable response to the wounded animal or child. This we see in the narcissist and try to offer some kind of Bandaid. They don't only prey on the broken or vulnerable in my experience. I am glad that I found your videos and hope to be able to use them to help someone dear to me. Thanks so much.

Powerful💯

Wow...video 7 years old..but so relevant right today...similar to the Bible❤. Thank u, good to know I'm not by myself in feeling sorry for my ex😊.

I keep hearing that narcissists have these manipulative powers. How in the hell did they get these? I am so defenseless against the narc. in my life. She has a serious medical issue, so thst's the emotional/empathy sledgehammer I'm always hammered with any feel tremendously guilty when I dream of divorce.

Thank u So much

I do too. I feel SO bad for my abuser....He IS mentally ill, and apparently had a traumatic and abusive childhood (if it's true) and i really don't think it's his fault that he is awful abusive person. he wasn't always that way just became it once he felt comfortable. But no matter what happens i just feel SO bad for him. My heart brakes for him. I can NOT imagine being him or living a life like that and feeling enraged 24/7 like he does.. I can't imagine not being able to change and he HAS to hate himself??? I can't imagine being so messed up to where you feel nothing but anger and hatred and want to hurt people. Especially nice people who care about you. I know he is narcicist and sociopath. But yes i feel bad and i can't stop and nobody understands. but yes, i am a empath and always have been. Actually it was even in my DNA i had some mutation that makes me more empathetic than most people. So it's genetic i can't help it. And i hate it to be honest. Would rather be an awful person so i didn't feel pain. But i know his DNA makes him who he is too. He was probably supposed to be a warrior or killer or supposed to be fighting off bears and dinosaurs or something. I'm one of those people that thinks everyone is special all types of people. And nobody is better than anyone else. I also have a history of severe childhood narcicistic abuse, so i dunno if that is what makes me attract all these narcicists. I hate it SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

Most partners have an outburst of physical abuse cos their partner has cheated on them. They don't do it for no reason

My covert narc husband left me last week for someone else after 25 years of marriage. Don't think I need to describe my state of heart right now. Thanks for the vid.

Honestly life changing for me. You explained everything so simply and thoroughly. I havent realized that my brother.. My abuser as a child.. Is probably a narcissist. I felt like ive owed him something all these years? Felt bad because he is homeless and cant get his life together.. While i manage mine okay. Every time i tell him he hurts me by not thinking of my feelings, i let him pull me back in with his sob stories and whatever. He needs me.. I can fix him.. Blah blah. Meanwhile i completely neglect myself. I do not owe him anything. He is 27 I am 23. We are adults.. Hes not a baby.. I have to let him go and fix myself before its too late. I feel as if ive been experiencing stockholm syndrome. I love him but I can't let him hurt me anymore. Its like the abuse never stopped.

i love this

I'm just out of a domestic violent relationship. I've had ptsd since 2016 ( although I think it's been longer due to my childhood ) he hit me with an astray in march of this year and it took me til the end of July to get him out. I'm alone and I think I need to be in order to heal. I still feel sorry for him though but I can't go back for my own safety and sanity. Ps, you look so pretty in this video! Your eyes are lovely 💕

I feel bad for ending my relationship with my narcissistic ex girlfriend. I won't get into the details as to why I did it... But I had to end it. Now, weeks later and I want her back and I want to reconcile. It's ridiculous. I need advice before I do something stupid and text/call her telling her this.

👍 So what you are describing is an addiction to the abuser. It's a cycle of an addiction.😔 Efrat. Israel.

This was so good

I totally get this. He just pulled the “final discard” of abandonment towards me and it feels like he is in so much turmoil than he thinks I am? It is definitely a power struggle and it’s a lot of trying to shame blame me and guilt monger me. I felt like he was surprised I wasn’t crying. I was very observant to what he was saying and acting. I recently called the police and filed a report and he literally just told me how he has to do the same thing. It’s interesting bc I know how he is spying on me and he’s doing the exact I am doing to him towards me. The good news is I am not in fear and I am definitely not falling for the trap.

I once had someone in my life who would constantly say that he didn't deserve to be cared about and I would always remind him that both others and I cared about him. He later said that I never cared about him and that I treated him badly. It's been ages since but yet it still bothers me because he never told me what I did and wasn't open for discussing things in a civilised manner. I still feel sorry for him even after we stopped talking.

Yes !! Exactly! I been trying to understand what&why all this craziness was happening.I have a question for you ,I am struggling with leaving my boyfriend the thing that haunts me is his mask isslipping and I am feeling used ,does that mean he never cared about me ? Never Really had feelings for me was it all an act??

Mine almost killed me and he bragged that he would and he would get by with it?

I don't feel sorry for her, my mother always was a sick creature and I don't feel sorry for her at all. I actually dislike her so much that I don't want to even talk to her.

We fall for them because we are us. They suck the life out of us. Yes!!! I met my youth psych from 23~ to 26. I , somehow , do not feel like this . Being abandoned needs no fear . It is a choice for the better . I never tried to fix him . I tried to dump him first.

Tus palabras son simples me llegan de forma fácil eres una mujer inteligente y muy linda seguro eres un ángel que envió Dios para guiar el camino de quienes han pasado por esto. Tu misión en la vida rescatar almas empáticas

I felt so sorry for my ex so sorry. I saw a small boy who never got the right kind of love or appreciation as a child. I tried to fill that hole up while draining my core being. It’s so gradual you don’t even realize that is what’s happening. He always used to say I admire you. I’m like huh? You admire me...that’s not what future husbands should say maybe I love you but not admire. Admire in context would be of a friendship or getting to know someone. Not a year and half of talking about a future together. I said from the start you have mom issues and I have dad issues. We had enmeshment codependency issues it was a recipe for a natural disaster! You said that perfectly I think we both are controlling and trying to control the past..but using each other it’s so twisted

Wow i got an email 15 years later from my abuser asking for forgiveness!!!..thank you for this...still processing how i allowed myself to get sucked back in and "fall in love" again with him..realized it was a trauma bond and that often victims want to rewrite the story by going back..narc empath PARADIGM..and i never knew i needed to forgive him but then all the trauma came back and i started a healing journey, i blocked him then now keep minimal contact but still seem to feel like that 16 year old girl again. First love and first abuser...still blame myself for allowing myself to continue a relationship and then he abused me again ..states away through verbal, emotional narcissist tactics..he too was abused so that was my excuse that he "didnt mean to" and i never realized my core wound was from that because i have experienced many traumas in my life..him coming back for forgiveness brought all of those memories and triggers up and i am still healing from them thinking itll end but realizing it never will.

Do you think it's conscious for the abuser if they have issues

Ha ha the sure do make you react , I hung up on my ex wife the other day because she was abusing me on the phone and trying to get me to admit to a fabricated situation that she made up in her own mind and also telling me that I needed her permission to take the kids (on my court ordered days) I told her well that is not going to happen and when I stood my ground and showed her she was wrong with proof from the text messages we sent each other in regards to the fabricated situation she drove around to my house in a rage and started on me in my own house ,after telling her to leave and still not reacting to her she switched to the 16 year old son we have together and got him so wound up he punched the wall and hurt his hand , I told her to go before I ring the police and spent the next two hours calming my son down and getting him to stop sobbing , then she text me when she got home and said that he needed to be on medication and switched the blame on him ,(I already knew she was going to say that ) she is trying to convince him he is unstable as she did with me when I was married (and I believed her for a while )but unfortunately for her I am working overtime convincing him he is not at all , and I will win because the Narc is strong and fearless in there attack but they cannot think , they can only act and react and if you know what your doing and you have enough experience with them you can easily defeat them by just staying calm and making sure you have your facts right and not budging ,(beware though as the switch to rage and can resort to violence quickly)when they act this way be the coldest mo fo alive and dont give them an inch ,stand strong like you did with the school yard bully because that is all that they are ,they are just thugs and bullies . I write this as a warning to others if your in the early stages of being mixed up with a Narc ,get out now before you have kids GET OUT NOW RUN ! because all 3 of my kids are broken and im doing my best to try to fix them , im working 24/7 to try to get them right again and I will win much to the disgust of the Narc , and if that means that I have to out narc the narc then so be it because she has taught me well and I know all of there tricks and after all of the damage and destruction she has created I cant wait for the Karma to come back to her ,and hopefully if im really lucky god will allow me to watch it , it is sad to say and I dont wish this on her but if she played mind games and got into the head of almost any other man like she did me then she may find they will snap and she could find herself the victim (even good men or women can snap when they are subjected to prolonged mental abuse) ,I snapped at the end but not with violence I just shut down and had a mini breakdown luckily but she wanted nothing more than for me to react with violence ,the minute I did shut down she was gone ,her job was done and within two weeks was with another man and might I say it was the best day of my life and on the anniversary of the day she left I make it a day where I go hunting or do something I want to do because for 17 years I had no life because of her ,I had no friends ,I fell out with all of my family I was isolated and to any man or woman who has been through this or is going through this I send you all the love and sympathy in the world and just know that I love you because we are connected ,we are like war veterans brothers and sisters we have been to hell and back and we are still here ,were still standing and to the Narc that fact is the biggest insult of them all ,it is 3 years on now and I still have to see her because of the kids (I always throw up in my mouth a little bit when I see her ) she still tries to get a reaction out of me after all this time or tries to cause tension between me and anyone else thats around with her smear campaigns ,one of her favorites is being rude to me when I come to pick up the kids in front of other people to get me to snap at her but im too battle hardened to fall for that one ! she wont get her hooks out of me but once my kids are fully grown then I tell you I will have nothing to do with her at all and if I see her walking down the street I wouldn't even say hello .

my dad is the one who abused me and i wanted to die after that happened but im going to do the hardest thing I've ever done im going to try and forgive him

The drill was an AMEN 😂😂😂 You can not help them

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻😇💖

The cult of the "survivor" finds all sorts of ways to dismiss the genuinely remorseful. The more sincere the partner you're leaving is, the more guilt you need to find ways of dismissing. Good behavior? Insincere. Continued good behavior? The honeymoon phase. How long does the honeymoon phase last? However long the good behavior lasts. Demonstrating positive change over an extended period, voluntarily entering therapy? Not to be believed, they could always become abusive again. The clearer it becomes the "abuser" is making change for the positive, the harder it becomes to cling to the notion that you're a heroic "survivor". The greater the evidence of positive change, the more the false narrative of "he can never change" becomes apparent, the greater the injustice you know you're committing, the more bizarre and convoluted your rationalization becomes. Even the phrase "almost murdered" is quite likely an exaggeration. Most of the feminist oriented battered women's shelters strive to make every woman believe she was "almost murdered", including the most minor of scuffles, as part of a number of methods used achieve their unstated goal of breaking marriages. I say "unstated" because it's important to trick the woman they're advising into believing she's making the choice for herself. You cannot be "almost murdered" by strangulation without serious injury requiring medical treatment and gaining the attention of the authorities. Look at her expression, 5 seconds into the video when she says "one of MY FOLLOWERS". Narcissism takes many forms.

BECAUSE ALL MY THERAPIST DID NOT TAKE MY ABUSERS SERIOUSLY

To be honest,narcissist feel pain when you detach

just like the father of my 3 children, he was spanked by his mother !!!