Why Do So Many BLACK MOTHERS HATE THEIR DAUGHTERS? The Mother Wound Explained 

If your own mother hates you she hates herself, thats just what it is ,very sad

I've noticed how much our moms will abuse us, tear us down, embarrass us, but treat the sons like gold😢

Clearly "Claire Huxtable" was so beloved because a lot of us longed for a mother like her, myself included.

Ladies keep going. Our mothers dont define us.

Because they’re jealous! And our brothers are their son husbands!

This conversation is deeeeeeeeeeeep!!!! My mother is in a wheelchair at this moment resulting from a stroke. I love her. I don’t hate her. But I simply cannot wipe her ass. I was verbally mentally emotionally and physically abused all of my life. She even allowed her siblings to treat me horribly. But my brother was her golden child. I forgave her but simply CANNOT bend over backwards to come to her rescue. I am now a mother and I strive daily to be better than she ever was. I hug my kids. I speak positively to my kids. I tell them I love them. I protect them. I nurture them. I never make differences in them. I went through therapy. I am now at a place where I can tell her I love her and call her beautiful. Things she never did to me. I tried to hug her and she pushed me away. She told me she loved me for the first time after God put her in that wheelchair. My brother…The golden child…WILL NOT HELP HER!!! Yet my family…her toxic abusive narcissistic siblings expect me the one they abused to come save the day. I’m not doing it. I’ll FaceTime her but I have no desire to wipe her ass.

My mother was my biggest bully growing up. She abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. I forgave her and tried to have a relationship with her. I'm 47, she's still toxic so I had to cut her off my life. Meanwhile, she treats my brothers who are all losers like gold. Sad indeed 😢

My mother has envied me my entire life. I remember her saying I think I’m better than everyone when I was a teenager. Like girl, I’m 15. What are you even talking about?

It’s deep when your mother tells you that her other child is her favorite on her sick bed while you are caring for her and that child is no where around. We are some hurt people.

My grandmother hated my mother, my mother hated on me there is generational trauma. I think every race deals with it but they don't talk about it enough.

I'm glad this dark secret is finally being talked about...my grandmother hated my mother & her kids, the hatred ran soo deep

To me, it is sad how many of us relate to this. Including myself.

I am sooo glad black women specifically are deciding to speak and disect this topic I am as well.

I didn’t tell my mom about my new by friend, when I bought a house. When I got my real estate license. I’m not sure I will invite her to my wedding because anything good that happens to me, she will try to ruin it. It hurts my hurt that I can’t include her in my victories😢

My mother resented me because my father didn't want to be with her, and she took it out on me. She lied about who he was, preventing me from ever meeting him. She only revealed the truth after he had died, along with many other hurtful things. I've cut her off for good. Sadly, I had to mourn the parents I never had, but now I can finally heal.

I knew at 5 years old something was wrong. I addressed it the 1st time when I was 9 or 10 years old. I wrote my Mom a letter. I asked her why did she hate me. I said let’s spend time together. She refused. She denied everything. Our relationship was always strained. Especially when I moved to NYC. She ignored me. I didn’t understand how much she impacted me until I became a mother at 34. I didn’t realize my mother is a narcissist and we are a part of a narcissistic family system. Your guest is totally me! Thank you so much for this!!

I’m so glad we are coming out of isolation saying “OUCH MY MOMMA HURT ME”! I’m a “unloved daughter “ and also help women with this issue. I read a book called “Daughter Detox daughters of unloving mothers “ and it changed my life! It showed me that there are thousands of us. I was not alone! My mom’s treatment towards me has always been harsh and horrible. I’m healing my emotions still at 51 years old. But I’ve raised 2 daughters and my girls have never experienced me as an evil mother. This is a Hot Topic.

As a black man, i needed this. I understand our women so much better and im only half way through. Thank you so much 🙏🏾🫂

It’s time to talk about this because it’s a cycle. This mentality has destroyed our community. It’s interesting how Black mothers favor their sons, very harsh on their daughters but then the same sons still have resentment or unspoken towards them hence the negative attitude towards Black women. It’s complex.

that part of going back to your child and apologizing to your kid, and letting them know your issues are not their fault. that is sooooo beautiful, f*cking up as a parent is inevitable but that going back explaining, and apologizing is so vital.

I am a Black Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a mother, and a mommy wounded woman. My wounds definitely fueled my professional development. As a therapist and someone with life experience,I come from a place of understanding that society, in addition to cultural factors, contribute to how we view our mothers and motherhood. I always use the clients perspective to guide the conversation. I understand that all mothers “aren’t in fact doing their best and it’s not ok to accept things just because she’s your mom.” Great conversation ❤️ I wish love and healing for us all!

My Mother was there physically but mentally checked out. She was deep into Religion and used Jesus as a shield to hide from the real world. She treated my younger brother like a king he got whatever he wanted. Didn’t have to do chores, work, she did it all for him. He treats her like $hit now that we are grown. I barely speak to her because it’s so draining. She didn’t teach me anything about life, money, Men, Nothing. I was on my own to figure it out. 😢

My mom relationship is non existent. She bullied me from a child to my adult years. I forgave her but I love from a distance. I’m okay with that. But reading these comments it seems like these baby boomer moms had a mental illness they didn’t want to let go of.

I started to see that narcissistic mothers especially, keep their kids dependent on her. She rarely celebrates the kids who seeks success. She keeps all of her children and grandchildren feeling like having success should not be looked at as worthy of celebrating. But they’ll celebrate mediocrity. It’s twisted. Glad the conversations are happening

This is a convo I would love to be a part of. My mother broke my heart when I realized she was my biggest bully. The way she raised me was to only care about her and to live in her reality. If I didn’t participate in her world she would disown me. I would have to tap dance and do everything for her to talk to me, let alone be there for me but she never was. I always felt like a burden to her, like she hated me. I felt like she raised me to be stupid and not think for myself and if I did I was being disrespectful. She lied about my biological father, told me another man was my father only to realized they used me as their pawn to cheat on his wife for 30 years, and I recently found out she knew my sister was molested and did nothing to protect her. My mother is the big bad wolf I’ve always been scared of. An absent Father is hard, yes. But an unhealed mother is the most dangerous person in my opinion. I have 4 children, 2 girls. I was so afraid of having girls cause I wasn’t taught how to be a woman. Though I still learning through these podcasts, therapy, and healing, I can say it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I missed the mother I will never have. But I’m the mother I needed to my girls. I will never say or do half of the things my mother did to me. I’m healing for myself but also for my kids. I want them better than me. My mother wanted me to suffer like her or more. The adult daughter/mother pain is something you can’t explain. Thank you for this convo❤️

Glad this is being talked about. Ladies, please don't let ANYONE tell you how you feel about someone, including your mother. Your feelings are valid.

Success as a trauma response…..that’s deep

I experienced an enormous amount of emotional abuse as a child. My mother even said that we wished that I was never born. As a child, my mother often called me Black and ugly because I was dark skinned while my sisters were light skinned.

My mother wasnt a friend at all. From the day i was born she was antagonistic and hateful towards me. Apparently she threatened to strangle me as a infant until my father stopped her. My grandmother took me in and raised me until age 7 and then sent me to go live with my biological mother. For 4 years, she was abusive, physically and verbally, extremely mean towards me, sabotaged anything or anyone that was loving towards me. Never had my back, went around telling people lies about me as a child and teenager. When i was 23 or 24, she made the comment "i looked better than you when I was 24". Thats when i realized she was my first hater, bully. I have been estranged from her since then. Its been 12 years. But as an adult i began to understand why i showed up in female friendships guarded and defensive. I saw every woman as a potential hater, to be mean,rejecting towards me.

my mother was abusive, neglectful and toxic. she made me feel unloved and unwanted and i knew something was wrong from a very young age. my late 20s i discovered she is very narcissistic, if not an actual narcissist, and it was like something clicked and it all made sense. our relationship has always been strained and ive tried too many times to have a good one with her. it wasnt until i fully realized how messed up my childhood was and how she’ll never change, that i went no contact. i dont plan to ever speak to her or see her again if i can help it. it really sucks but ive started my healing journey and i will be okay.

I never thought how Mothers coming out of slavery mindset would struggle with motherhood. ❤ This definitely has been a perspective change.

Alot of Black mothers love their daughters too!

My mother left me with my father when I was almost two years old. For most of my life she would brag about how she left me. As an adult woman my mom is only present in my life when it benefits her. She wasn’t present throughout my entire cancer journey but she showed up to my final chemo treatment, wearing a shirt that said “I’m God’s Favorite”. Just to post pictures on Instagram. I finally started working and she’s already asking me for money and if she can borrow my car when most people wanna borrow sugar. I need emotional space from her so I can nurse myself to health.

This is so amazing!! So many black women need to hear this !!!!

Wow, that example of the driver and the hit pedestrian around 18 minutes in is phenomenal!

I cried through this whole video. I abruptly left my 15 year toxic job that was killing me. I told my mom and she hasn't checked on me or spoken to me since. I hate to admit it but I think a part of her enjoyed my suffering. I refect on things she's said in the past like, "What do you mean you had people over your place? Who would want to be friends with you?" I've had to keep coming back to this over the years, hoping that I'm wrong or don't understand her enough. But the truth is this person doesn't really love me (probably doesn't know how). Very, very hard to face.

This reminds me of Monique’s character in Precious. Bad mothers compete with daughters.

I’m a black man who witnessed how my mother treated my sisters way worse than me…I’m really glad that you’re having this conversation….

my mother always accused me of being stupid, untrustworthy and not able to choose good friends. I never understood why she thought so little of me and always stressed myself trying to prove to her otherwise. she always talked about my size although she was plus size and I'm thin, she was married to my dad so this is not a single mother issue by a long shot. later I realized she hated that my dad treated me better than her. well in her eyes he did. It was so freeing when i went to therapy, but sometimes therapist will have you sympathizing with an abuser, you can understand them but there is no excuse..... absolutely NO EXCUSE only thing I can thank her for despite the emotional trauma is making me an overachiever.

I just came from TikTok please continue this conversation on how it impacts your finances, how you feel stuck, how you feel like you’re unable.

I think a lot of Black mothers from yester-year don’t want to admit that they fell for the okey doke…they thought having kids by men who weren’t going to raise them or by men who would mistreat everyone in the household was the ‘play’ and they played themselves in the end. They see what many of us have achieved on our *own* and the freedoms we have fought for and afforded ourselves through hard work and dedication. They see how many of us are *CHILDFREE* and like it that way and how we travel or own property or whatever and they wish they’d had the courage and sheer audacity to dream bigger for themselves but got up in the *fantasy* of things instead of seeing the reality of their situation. When they said don’t ’mess up like them’ we LISTENED (which they probably didn’t expect) and now we are reaping the rewards of their warnings and thriving in larger numbers than ever before! Naturally, that will cause mixed feelings from the very same women who wanted better for their daughters but don’t know how to reconcile that with the envy they hold deep down that we did what they couldn’t.

I’ve noticed that some mothers have messed up their own lives. To only find their daughters doing it differently than them. They become jealous and want to live their lives over by snagging onto their daughter’s lives. So when the daughter out comes is a lot better a mother becomes resentful . Some mothers don’t know how to respect boundaries and think just because they are the mother. They think you’re supposed to always jump and ask how high. Not realizing you’re your own person and allowed to be and make decisions on your own. My mother never respected my preferences In who I choose to date. I like the choice of dating outside my race my mother likes her own. So she think that just because she likes who she likes I’m supposed to like the same. She never respected my decisions or my boundaries so I speak less to her. Because we are two different people and she knows that. Her life isn’t my life and my life isn’t hers. But some moms think they can live their life through that of their daughter. Instead of correcting whatever it was they did in their own life they’d rather latch on to their daughter’s life. Which always back fires on them in the end!! Daughters speak up and shine your always good enough😊

This is the most affirming video that my 65 year old self needed to watch at this specific moment. Mother wounds caused me to normalize being "othered," gaslit, demeaned and wronged. Then, I had horrible experiences in therapy early on because their training was to keep you engaged with people who don't change to conform because generationally, this was the way things were. I have finally decided that almost all of the people I held space for in my life - blood and otherwise, can kick rocks! I have blocked and ghosted all those who make me feel wrong or wronged and those energy vampires who take from me disproportionately to what I give to them, leaving me depleted. I am spending time alone and loving it. Having those conversations with my inner little girl. Loving her. Allowing myself to be super picky with who I allow into my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you RU-vid algorithm for putting this in my feed! Subscribed!

That flip phone iPhone analogy really did what it needed to do for me. Thank you.

Hurts so much when your first love (mom) calls you her worst mistake. 😢

Wow it brings me comfort to see women supporting and talking to each other about these issues! Its healing!

I’m the underachiever. Always being super smart never trusting myself that I can be the best I can be.

I struggle with guilt of speaking on how I was treated because I don’t want my Mom to look bad to other people.

Omg the shame! I never knew how shameful I felt about myself for my mother not loving me properly.

I remember watching "Precious" and hearing her yelling at the bottom of the stairs... my mom sounds EXACTLY like her...

27:04 to 28:20 "Success as a trauma response" is a whole sermon 💡

This is a much needed conversation that needs to continue and scale because there’s a lot of us out here. For the daughters who are truth tellers please continue to tell your story for your own healing and also to try and break these toxic generational curses/traumas for daughters that come after us. The shame associated with being an unloved daughter who never felt good enough and the outcomes (PTSD, perfectionism, hyper independence, lack of trust and more) that come as a result of being emotionally, mentally, spirituality abused by your mother to the point that you physically can’t be around her is almost unbelievable, but it’s real. I pray for the healing of any woman who has experienced this!

I was disconnect with my mom at a very young age. My mom had always hated me and treated my brother well. I’m her care taker now and it’s been the hardest thing to care for someone who doesn’t care about you. I’m the first to break the the curse. I made sure that me and my daughter have a good relationship. I will die before I allow me and my baby have the kind of relationship me and my mom and grandmother had.

This video NEEDS to go viral with millions of views instead everything else that is plaguing social media! Fellas please support protect and love our women!!!!

My mom died two years ago, before she passed she finally apologized to me for how bad she treated me/ beat me/ hated me/ embarrassed me/ she said she was jealous of the woman I was. She said I was the girl growing up she ALWAYSSSSSSS wanted to be, she also told me that she knew outta her 3-kids I was the strongest one. She said she hated how I never needed her like my sister and brother. I NEEDED THAT. It helped me become the woman I am today, maybe if she would have said it earlier we woulda had a better relationship, but mommas please tell your daughter you love them. Life is SO SHORT❤

I have a daughter and I try to love her so much so never feels the mean things my mom did towards me!!

THIS WAS GOOOOOOOOD!!!!! We as black women from all age groups need to have & hear this conversation!!!!!!! Jennifer is good!!!!!

I think my mom feels she’s in competition with me. The hate my mom has given me at times has been hurtful. One time she said to me” that’s why you don’t have a MAN no one wants you!”….😮 that cut so deep! She really has issues.

I'm an only child. My mom hates me always has. The abuse she put me through is crazy. I've had family members say, they're surprised I'm alive/survived. Smh

So good! I still have to watch my back with my own mother. I am afraid for her to have my address due to the fact she may show up or hire someone to follow me or harm me...I am afraid to introduce her to my adult friends because she will get their numbers and fake like she is being "motherly" and then dog me out to them, to prevent me from having emotional support/love outside of her...I thought I was an oddball growing up and the only one going through these things...I still won't tell a man I am dating until after we are perhaps, engaged...because people look at you different and don't get it unless they are living through it. I made it through, but there is a fine line in forgiving an extremely toxic mother and protecting yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. She is still a predator. And I have made peace with that. I show her respect when I see her. I even visit her and my father about once a month...but I keep it light and leave it at that.

Please we NEED a series! Part 2….we want moreeeeee

I unfortunately relate with both these ladies. I began to mourn my childhood and relationship with my mother when I had a daughter and saw how she trusts me in ways that I could never trust my mother. She used her words and lack of compassion and love to tear me down. Til this day, in my 40's I am having to heal. You cannot heal continuing to give excuses or compassion toward your mother, until you give it to yourself. We deserved better, we are worthy of love. Great topic of conversation.

My mother NEVER liked me or my 2 sisters. As adults, we figured that out. As children, we gave her a wide berth. She was a cold piece of work. When our mother became ill, we sent my adult niece (Niecy) to Indiana to talk to our mother to gain insight into why our mother treated us like she did. My mom never wanted to discuss this topic with me or my sisters, but my niece, the 1st grandchild was the "Golden Child." We knew Ma would talk to her & we were right. My niece flew in and spent 3 days with her grandmother before she became chronically ill. When Niecy got back home, she called me & her mother. Niecy told us "She loves y'all but she don't like either of y'all". We knew that, but we didn't know why. Niecy said that Ma wanted the lives my sisters & I have. She was jealous of us. My mother was born during Jim Crow and most women couldn't decide to do anything but be married & have children. She wanted to go to college & become a nurse, but growing up in the segregated South, she thought she didn't have that option. Niecy couldn't get Ma to talk about the traumas she suffered growing up. A lot of our Black mothers went thru things that they took to their graves. Those things shaped who they became, and who some of their daughters suffered through. My mother was an excellent code-switcher. In public, she was elegant, poised, well-spoken, gracious & stylish. But at home? Chile... My friends did not believe it until they saw it for themselves. Everybody didn't have June Cleaver or Clair Huxtable as a mother. Thank God for our Dad. He was our rock!

Narcissism (deep insecurities) and worldliness (putting things over people) is the cause. We must break the cycle. I was abused by my mom yet I broke the cycle with my child.

Jennifer Arnise....this is beyond finding your niche...this is creating your own space...respect to you

Our mother's can't give what they don't have. We are humans and will have deficits. Hopefully, as time goes on, each generation will get better.

The topic about moms and daughters is so sensitive yet necessary. I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mom and it causes discomfort. She will Gas light you 😭😭😭I don’t have the power to and have no control so I pray for Gods intervention, nothing is impossible for God. This is too big for me.

I am now 26 years old… I realized I have of healing from my mom I need to do but I’m blessed to say , God changed my mom & healed her so now she’s a better mother to me.. she still has some issues she can work on and step up to the plate on but she’s growing everyday and I’m so thankful before I left this earth I got to experience the healed version of her. I pray we all get to do the same but I know this isn’t everyone’s reality but please don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t happen! Just be better than what you seen.

I don't know how I found this channel and episode but I am so grateful I did. I hit that subscribe button so fast. The host is so beautiful for being honest and vulnerable about her mommy issues.

I am not alone in this feeling. I just don’t understand how some mothers can’t abundantly love their daughters and make them feel special at every opportunity. I don’t have children of my own, but I give them all the motherly love I can when any child is in my presence. I make it a point to tell them how beautiful they are and how important they are to me every time I see them, whether they're family members or students at school. It is truly a blessing to be a mother to many souls on this planet! When little ones run up to me, my first reaction is always a hug, getting close to their face, and making a kiss sound-no matter what, even if they’re not behaving perfectly. We all need love, and it’s something that has to be taught before we can truly give it to others. Thank you for this podcast; it is much needed in our community. Often, we feel pressured to portray our parents as perfect, no matter what, but that’s living a lie. It's important to acknowledge the truth and embrace honesty for healing and growth.

When I was 9, my mom asked me why don't I get out of her and her children's (my 2 younger sisters) house. She looked possessed. She definitely hated me. It made me want to do better than she did as a woman and mother. I can proudly say that I have.

I have a ministry I started to deal with this. I love this topic! Ladies, keep talking we can change a generation.

Please make this topic a series! This woman is a national treasure.

My mother spent her entire life taking care of my brothers and their children while mistreating me and now that she’s elderly, I am 100% sure she expects me to be her caretaker and to be honest I don’t know what to do.

She was so very right when she said that this is an isolated topic. There are many wounded daughters out there that are afraid to talk about this topic to friends, family, or anyone. I use to talk about it with my so called closest friends and some of them really dont understand because they weren't treated that way, or some of them will try to treat you the same exact way. After decades of learning this, ive stopped talking about it to anyone. People really dont care or they see you as the problem. Its a lose lose conversation.

I remember exactly where I was, how old I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing, and why I was crying to my best friend for the umpteenth time about "Why doesn't she like me? Why doesn't she love me?". So when My mom told me just last October, the depth to which she hated me... Even though I knew when I was 6 that I would NEVER be enough -Not even good enough, just enough- It hurt to hear her say what I already knew in my wounded child's heart. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, and to be frank, I hope I never see or hear from her again. If she died tomorrow, 2 things would happen: I wouldn't care, cry, or show up to the funeral, or, I would show up to the funeral, and stand far away from everyone as a representation of how I felt separated from the family, and wear my favorite colors just to make it clear that I don't respect her. Even in death. The "She's still your mom" statement is repulsive to me. It Holds no weight to me because she chose everything over me. Money, sex, alcohol, men. I was merely an accessory to her life, and nothing more. She *knew* she could be a better parent, she just didn't *want* to be a better parent. Her Mindset was "You can do better, but not better than me." When the Loved experiences of a person are nonexistent or are overshadowed by the lived experiences of a person, you get what you deserve. If you don't want people to have negative experiences of you, perhaps you should treat them better.

Part 2 definitely we need to talk about the financial stability of the mother. Being overwhelmed as a single mother and how to treat your child.

Listening to this and reading the comments, I never thought I could love my mother any more than I already do, because my love is beyond infinity for her. I do have a deeper level of respect and love for my mother now because she was and is such an amazing mother to me. She’s literally phenomenal. This makes me appreciate her even more. I cannot imagine having a different mother who didn’t love or support me, or was abusive towards me. My mom is in her 70’s and we are so close. Now I understand why so many other girls and young ladies looked at my mom as their “2nd” mother-figure. Continue to get your healing ladies. 🙏🏽

"Our mother is the water that we swim in," how deep, and so true, especially my mother was the most toxic person in my life, which is why I no longer speak to her til this day: POSITIVE VIBES ONLY!🌞🌞🌞

I am so glad that these conversations are being had. I had stopped sharing things about my relationship with my mother because I would be shamed so badly. For years I thought I was a unicorn. We are estranged now and I wish her nothing but the best and a journey of healing for herself. I am done being the recipient of toxic hurt from her childhood. I wish you all the best on your paths to healing and recovery.💞

I just officially cut my mother out of my life as of a week ago. This podcast really opened my eyes to a lot of the behaviors that I have because of mother wounds. From being a perfectionist’s . I have two bachelors degrees and I was in the military. And I still feel the need to achieve more. From never asking for help, to being indecisive.. all of these things I do not knowing that it’s because of the damage my mother has done. Thank you for this ❤❤❤❤l

This is horrific; my mom loved me so much and I loved her until she left this earth; I have 3 girls and one son and love my children with all my heart.

I’m only 5 minutes in and I’m already invested. It feels so good to not feel alone. Thank you for talking about this.

My mother was abusive to me and is still a terrible mother to me but my younger sister she treats well and tries to make others favor her over me as well but it never works. We have different fathers mine she hates and my sisters father is the man she loved and couldn’t truly have.

20:39 “‘I need you to be all the things that nobody was to you’, which continues to wound you.” I’m only 20 minutes in and this conversation is already tremendously validating. I knew at 15 that my mom didn’t love me but an uncle gave me false hope that had me going back, being understanding, trying to see her as her own woman outside of my mother, accepting her as she was, for 20 years. I finally realized that I can’t heal our relationship by myself and that I can’t heal her. She has to want that. Last year I went no contact. She thinks I’m punishing her but I’m just choosing my peace. Going along with her delusions and accepting her narcissistic abuse hurts me and I won’t do that anymore. She calls me mean because I’m not loyal to her but there can be no loyalty where there is no love or respect.

This made me cry in so many ways! Listening as a wounded daughter and A healed Mother!!

This whole thing was sooo interesting. My biggest gift and curse was the ability to look past self or society imposed titles from birth. It’s refreshing to see how others think.

My mom put me down for being dark skinned it hurts until this day. I have two sons and would never treat them like I was treated. Heavenly Father only you can change my situation, You have provided this far. I need a miracle today please come and rescue me. As a single mother, raising not one but two children on the spectrum I am overwhelmed and I’m constantly struggling to pay bills. Struggling to buy groceries, struggling to do it all. But I won’t give up faith is all I have left and faith is all I need. I believe Father.❤️💕

This conversation is SO NEEDED! There are so many Black women with mother wounds (myself included). You ladies fed my soul!🥰

Rooting yourself in the fact that this is a remnant of chattel slavery really aligns me with the work that still needs to be done for my children’s sake.

This was one of the more informative, insightful podcasts I've seen in a while. So thank you both for this. Something even as a man I've been dealing with with my mom, which seemed to get worse around my teenage years when I started searching for my own autonomy not only from her but my family as well, so it's always nice to see other people put things I've felt into words. Topics like this are equally as reassuring as they are heartbreaking because I hate to see other people have to not only experience this, but move through life with the residue of it. Plus, as black women, I couldn't imagine how much more crushing/defeating it is to have to deal with. Much love to yall and salute for having the courage to fight to be who you actually are, not just for your kids, but for yourselves as well. Side note: There's a book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish and it's a communication book geared around children but it has a lot of practical exercises on how to communicate with kids that translates really well when we use it to self talk to our own inner child. Jennifer mentioned the importance of reparenting ourselves and that's a resource that's done wonders for me.

I didn’t have the best relationship with my mother so I tried to be what my mother wasn’t to me daughters. My oldest daughter, who was my mother’s favorite, is just as toxic in her behavior and treatment towards me as my mother. My worth is determined by what I can do for her. It’s so heartbreaking.

Yes, please have her back to discuss the impact on careers; high and low earners. Thank you for bringing this topic forward with clarity and dignity.

It’s a cycle. My grandmother was treated badly by her mother, and they are still not close. My mother also had bad experiences with her mother, and then she passed on those bad experiences to me. May my mother rest in peace. I rarely received motherly love from her and was often put into adult situations. When I was in middle school, I got into an argument with my mom about my father, who was incarcerated at the time. It had a profound impact on me, and I threatened to harm myself with pills. She and my grandmother used to compare me to my father, saying hurtful things about him. I struggled with being called lazy, lack of care for my mental health, and lack of emotional support. My mom was embittered by my father's mistreatment of her and took it out on me. While I knew my father wasn't perfect, I didn't want to be in the middle of their conflict. During my younger years, I experienced depression and severe anxiety. I was quiet and awkward at school and got bullied for it, so I had to deal with bullying at school as well as at home. All of these experiences made me a loner. My dysfunctional home life growing up still affects my mental health to this day.

I believe there are layers to mother daughter relationships. What they are discussing are the worst I've ever heard. I feel so sorry for us.

I’m a therapist and I agree with you!!! I don’t put the mother on a pedestal when people are struggling . As healing begins they start seeing the parent and their full story!!!

Speak. Exactly how I feel. People are turning against me due to not wanting a relationship with my mother. Very good discussion.

*Sigh* I'm raising my hand, as a 40 year old black woman, I've experienced this same thing with my mom. My mom is very mentally immature still til this day. Im praying for all my sistas! I love yall!

It’s 50/50 with my mom. She always looked out for me, told me how much she loved me, supported me in every dance recital, cheerleading, gave me a beautiful sweet 16 party…but things turned bad the older I got. Sure, she trained me to take care of my brother at the age of 9. She whipped me every day for a year. I remember this as a three year old and remember the day it became less frequent. It was the day I hit her back, it was wrong but I felt the need to fight back. My mom used the church and religion to try to stop me from getting married. When my husband became successful she then said to him, you should have been like this from the beginning. I have a long list of things. I did forgive her but the relationship is acknowledging her as my mom and seeing that she is cared for. We don’t talk much. I raise my children differently. I apologize when I am wrong, I let them be free, I homeschool, we have a lot of structure but I’m not a micromanager, I don’t say things like “you owe me for bringing you into this world.”

Intersectionality - being Black and ALSO a woman. Bell Hooks wrote an excellent book on this subject