No video :(

Why Do We Cheat? Understanding Intimacy Avoidance before and after Infidelity

Подписаться 91 тыс.

Просмотров 43 тыс.

50% 1

Today you'll hear from our alumnus Samuel about the dangers of something called intimacy avoidance. It's one of the most devastating factors to a marriage before, during and even after infidelity. The end result can oftentimes be emotionally divorcing your partner, while still remaining in the marriage or relationship. Today, you'll hear a voice of hope for preventing what seems like catastrophic relationship failure after infidelity or addiction.
- FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairreco...
- What kind of affair was it?
Take the FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairreco...
- FREE Expert Articles & Videos: www.affairreco...
Get a Recovery Library Membership: www.affairreco...
- Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
- Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
- Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
Weekend Retreat: www.affairreco...
Online Courses: www.affairreco...
Hope Rising Conference: www.affairreco...
Recovery Library: www.affairreco...
Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Опубликовано:

27 авг 2024

Ссылка:

Скачать:

Готовим ссылку...

Добавить в:

Мой плейлист

Посмотреть позже

Комментарии : 89

@kellygray5872 2 года назад

Going along to get along is the story of our 20 year marriage, when I finally said enough was enough and filed for divorce. I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore and not see the girl he had broken affair after affair, but stayed cause of fear, money, and codependency. I listened to every single one of your videos after dday and did your online course, alone. He never would participate. I still come back for more information and to understand. All I can say is thank you, even after a failed marriage, I still find comfort in your videos to understand how we got here today.

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

i'm so glad I could help in some small way. thank you for your kind words and for watching. i'm so happy for you and your own healing and continuing to go forward even in pain. proud of you!

@phsquared8719 2 года назад

I understand Kelly. After 25 years together and 23 married, I realize the depth of the abuse and his complete disconnect. We’re in couples counseling and in the process I realize I do all the talking and am vulnerable while he defends and deflects. I’m playing out my life in different scenarios knowing he’ll likely not see the light. It’s very sad.

@benscott6826 Год назад

Unfaithful here. Sam is 💯 right. It’s crucial to make marriage safe for prevention

@mitzyme6262 2 года назад

So hurt .. so angry … the angrier I got the more he went outside to others … double edged sword … not being angry made me feel like I was accepting of his behavior

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

it's a tough walk my friend. i'm sorry you felt that way. how are you now?

@ghalsos9130 2 года назад

Yes!!! Exactly how I feel!!

@phsquared8719 2 года назад

I consider porn addiction and withholding intimacy as infidelity. It resonates as the same to me.

@blueseptember2174 2 года назад

And it leads to it too.

@dr.ednaovertreet6734 2 года назад

It absolutely is!!!!

@jamesmcconnell000 Год назад

@@blueseptember2174 it absolutely does

@dougmccoll6126 Год назад

well, rest assured you are obviously spot on!

@ElimEx1 Год назад

No it doesn't but why do you feel it is?

@laniec.f.2531 2 года назад

"Don't go along just to get along. " Good advice but sometimes challenging to do. Thank you.

@conniefolkerts629 2 года назад

You nailed it! I have been struggling with conflict avoidance and abandonment issues in my 24 years of marriage. I gave up trying for my voice to be heard. I felt so alone. My frustration lead to my infidelity which then lead to our separation and now to my husband’s revenge infidelity. I need to find my voice

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

so glad you're seeing that. now is the time to heal and move forward my friend. you can do this.

@brhondastephens7629 2 года назад

I am so thankful I found this channel I am a therapist still licensed but it’s so different to help myself and my partner. The trust thing has always been hard due to early childhood trauma that extended into adult life.

@melcee4 2 года назад

Same here. I am a therapist as well and I’ve been a couples therapist but going through it is a whole other animal. It’s incredibly difficult.

@jayt6200 2 года назад

I don’t think you even realise how many videos of yours I’m watching and how much it is genuinely helping. Thank you so much! I don’t know you and just through you making a few videos, I owe you so much. Thank you to you and your loving misses samantha for giving us the opportunity to learn through both of your healing processes.

@eileenchuck Год назад

Thank you Samuel! We are about 7 wks out of Dday and did EMS weekend virtual. It has been not only a mountaintop experience but life changing…we are now better prepared to move forward positively rather than “stuck”. Your organization is to be praised and thanked for the work you do in acceptance and inclusion of all, and instruction as a way forward to understanding and change❤

@svang55 2 года назад

2.5 yrs, post affair discovery betrayed here. I am stuck right here, I'm avoiding voicing myself because all I want to do is tell her how horrible she is for doing what she's done. Nothing I wanna express isn't a form of shaming. I don't look at her the same, don't respect her the same, don't even love her the same. I feel stuck because of the kids and because of financial reasons. If not for the kids I'd never wanna see her or hear from her ever again. Wish I can just delete her from my life, as if she never existed. That's how much I love her and the reason why my pain is so great. I'm just, ever so slowly, bleeding to death here and I'm stuck.

@blended2010 2 года назад

I totally understand what you're saying. I want to leave, we have a 15 year old, my husband cheated with sex workers and has been a big source of pain for nearly 16 years because he was unhappy with himself and seemingly still is.... My problem has been feeling guilty for what he'll face if I go. I wish I didn't feel that way

@tammysnide5389 2 года назад

I completely understand the feeling. It's an awful way to feel. Prayers for you and the family.

@passdahotsauce 2 года назад

Every thing you say which is probably fact to be used as a reason to flip the blame on you.

@phabeondominguez5971 2 года назад

Dark Cloud.. it's been 3 months since this post, how you holding up now? What's you and her status now?

@simfora8053 2 года назад

As an unfaithful i'm sorry, I am truly sorry that it happened.

@jamesmcconnell000 Год назад

Sam you are worth your weight in gold for the amount you help people on here. I can relate to your stories very well, as a confused unfaithful. I've gone from thinking it was a normal problem to really going inward and realizing there is much to unpack and am now getting professional help. Its grievous what a bit of infidelity causes

@leahdalager827 2 года назад

Spot on. I'm not living like this anymore. 💔

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

great to hear my friend.

@anissaholmes4495 6 месяцев назад

I prefer the word adulterer rather than unfaithful. Just my thoughts. There is no excuse for not using your voice. None. Cheating is not a solution for anything and there is no valid excuse for it.

@titus-parmley31 Год назад

"We simply go along to get along" wow.

@colleenapter4346 2 года назад

Thank you for your wisdom! I’m post betrayal almost 4 years; my husband was cheating for approximately 8 years. We did intensive marriage counseling for almost 2 years , when my husband said that was enough! He has not done the work except for his own therapy , which based on his behavior , im not really sure he is being honest with her. I still deal with gaslighting and controlling behaviors from him- I found that this video was a very accurate account of my life now- I’m fearful to discuss anything , yet he is without restraint to continue to tell me how difficult I am and that I complain. When he wants to know what’s bothering me and I finally get the stamina to tell him he is defensive and dismissive. I have children still at home and a business together and 40 years married. I don’t know how to go on from here. Any help would be appreciated- thank you

@blueseptember2174 2 года назад

I would make sure he sees a male counselor instead of a female one first off. Then I would go to individual therapy for support for myself. One thing I have been looking into lately is less explaining(cause they tune you out) and more showing. "I can show ya better than I can tell ya"-tony gaskins Jr Make sure you think about the game film of your relationship and fix firmly in your mind what your boundaries are and how you would act ahead of time consistently every time. Like when you are training a dog or children ( I know that seems weird but if your wishy washy, they will eat you alive).

@JohnnyJitsu11 2 года назад

Thank you for the message. I feel extremely disgusted as I was the betrayed. I remember events and time frames, specially now that I’m at that one year mark! I avoid her intimacy at times, because I feel grossed out.

@debraharrell5860 Год назад

I love all your videos!! Your wisdom and advice are spot on! These videos have helped me tremendously ❤ thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

@ToFishTeacher 2 года назад

What happens when “being yourself” and “expressing what I want” includes some unhealthy behavior like porn or too much alcohol or overspending or a hoarding disorder. Your video on humility suggests that sometimes we should let go of things and work through behaviors and desires that need changing. How does that spouse then begin to “find their voice” while simultaneously admitting there are things that are broken regarding “who I am” right now?

@blueseptember2174 Год назад

I mean this is where discernment comes in. If it's an unhealthy habit or toxic behavior then that shows that the person is honestly being selfish and not contributing to the success of the marriage. It is the honest reality. Most people won't b honest about that because they still want to have their cake and eat it too. But you cant.

@kitkit5515 2 года назад

Definitely resonated! We were emotionally divorced

@donnamilo5495 Год назад

Some people are just crappy humans that feel like their entitled to do what they want. There isn't always any reason, excuse for cheating.

@anissaholmes4495 6 месяцев назад

Great comment. I agree!

@mariamenani1536 2 года назад

After finding out about my husband affair I am scared to talk to him we are just surviving evry day! I feel like I am waiting for the kids to get older leave the house so I can leave him 🤔😕

@blended2010 2 года назад

Same

@phsquared8719 2 года назад

I thought it’d change or get better. It didn’t and I got worse. I got help. He didn’t. I have a roommate with whom I’m married and do not know. At all.

@phabeondominguez5971 2 года назад

@@phsquared8719 what kinda help did you get? Even though it was "just an EA" and not physical, it's over, 18yrs down the drain like nothing.. Worst is how she treats me.. She treats me like I'm the one who betrayed her.. cold, utter contemp towards me, to her I am a barely tolerable roommate. She is ignorant beyond words if she doesn't think the kiddos aren't picking up on that.. I leave for good in 2 weeks... But I truly do not understand where she is coming from, we had 17 MAGICAL years together with plans for another 80 like so, and she threw it all away..

@artphotography9158 2 года назад

Thank you for this message!! God bless you

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

and you as well. thank you for watching and commenting.

@louise3731 2 года назад

I overheard my husband telling his ap, that he loved her many times. I finally had the nerve to ask him if he was cheating, he said no. I finally caught her talking on a tape recorder that I set up, but I accidentally erased it. He still denies. It’s been 2 years and I’m getting to the end of my rope. He’s on and off about any recovery work and last time was a definite no. How do I get him to tell the truth? I’m thinking of filling on his birthday, as a last gift…his freedom!

@tikamoore702 2 года назад

How are you doing Louise?

@iramsavir5631 2 года назад

Your freedom too.

@taniatanner7483 2 года назад

That is true❗that is what is being happening to me for years and my husband keep hiding in till spring of 2,020 when the LORD started to reveal it to me little by little it's soooooo much that it took me over a year almost 2 years to find out WHO HE WAS and WHAT HE WAS UP TO .

@jamesritch5245 2 года назад

Same exact storyline with me. Figured she was cheating on me last couple years until I finally caught her last month. 15 years down the hole

@dougmccoll6126 Год назад

what about when you've asked and shared how you feel/what you need but partner blames you for feeling how you do instead of being a team-mate?

@carrollhayes6759 2 года назад

Sorry excuses the cheater made a decision to have a physical relationship with another and return home to their family and spouse over and over AND LIE OVER AND OVER. The deceitfulness the very unchristian life style of deceitfulness. Deserve to be punished and alone. Annoyed with excuses. Everyone has some son story of youth or life but AFRAID OF CONFLICT.

@canaweb 2 года назад

more complicated than that. Be sure to watch all of Samuel's videos. Cheating is never 'ok', but it takes two to tango, and there is also a dopamine addiction component that is rarely discussed (not even here...). One thing is for sure, shaming and judgement won't fix anything. Not even you. "Deserve to be punished and alone". Sort of says it all, and even though it's a valid feeling and very normal - it will just cause more damage. And, more lies.

@blueseptember2174 Год назад

@@canaweb "it takes two to tango" is the biggest lie. And I see that all the time.

@oceandove Год назад

@@canawebthere’s never an excuse to cheat on your spouse. You made vows on you’re wedding day and they should mean something. If you are not happy, there’s counseling and honest communication to help the marriage. Lying and sneaking around takes thought and planning and the choice to hurt you’re partner as well as risking the loss of you’re relationship. That’s what causes the lying and damage. Not the betrayed spouse who is the actual victim here. Justifying adultery doesn’t help anybody

@tonypoor9110 2 года назад

Great video. Explains allot in my situation. Thank you.

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

thank you. my pleasure.

@cosmicgrl3008 2 года назад

Yuck! I am the unfaithful spouse and EVERY word here is true. No excuses, but this is EXACTLY why we 'did what we did'.I know it doesn't make sense to betrayed spouses. I realize now it had NOTHING to do with him. I never wanted to "replace" my husband, I was acting out a delusion of a fantasy life. It's been several years now since D-day. Sometimes we just "keep going" as you said. Watching this makes me want to make this up to my husband so bad. Sometimes I don't know how 😔. This is a form of hel l for the unfaithful.

@phabeondominguez5971 2 года назад

Counsel me, cuz here is where I'm at and I jus don't understand it.. Even though it was "just an EA" and not physical, it's over, 18yrs down the drain like nothing.. Worst is how she treats me.. She treats me like I'm the one who betrayed her.. cold, utter contemp towards me, to her I am a barely tolerable roommate. She is ignorant beyond words if she doesn't think the kiddos aren't picking up on that.. but I leave for good in 2 weeks... But I truly do not understand where she is coming from, we had 17 MAGICAL years together, with plans for another 80 like so, and she threw it all away.. but again, treats me like I am just a POS...

@blueseptember2174 Год назад

Just one time I'd like to see the cheating husband sound like this. But they never do. They don't even care to make it up to us. I feel used.

@MelancholyRequiem 2 года назад

I have not watched every video, but from what I can gather, you, Samuel, had a major life change in losing your job or something around the same time of your affair. If this is true, do you think you would have been so open and willing to work on healing your marriage if there wasn't another significant change in your life at the same time, such as home and financial insecurities, as additional motivating factors?

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

yes, because i wanted my family more than anything in life.

@ginaramaci1929 5 месяцев назад

@samshealingpodcast I don't understand, if you wanted your family so much, why did you put it in jeopardy, my soon to be ex says the same thing, yet when I asked him if he ever saw the face of his daughters or our only grandson while driving g to his affair partner of the last 15 years, he said no, that tells me that lust and greed is stronger than family ties, and its all a cover up, sorry, 50 years of marriage and for what

@tthomas 2 года назад

This video is soooo spot on.

@blueseptember2174 2 года назад

How can you be sure you won't cheat again?

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

it comes down to expert care and doing our own work and making sure we develop new habits, patterns and routines.

@brhondastephens7629 2 года назад

My worse problem is trusting f he told me everything I know in my head knowing it all won’t help yet I push for more to the point I want to do a background d check which he is ok with.

@mariamenani1536 2 года назад

Thank you! ❤

@OregonSingles 2 года назад

Thank you for this message

@mnfp6717 2 года назад

Go along to get along! I’ve done that for 30 years. 😔 5 years ago he emotionally left. He recently told me he still doesn’t love me. Refuses to divorce. What type of course would you recommend?

@AffairrecoveryLLC 2 года назад

for you the betrayed, this course called harboring hope: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope as an intervention to get him to get help, do work and come out of the fog, this intensive: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend

@sheilamynatt1180 2 года назад

Intimacy anorexia is a real thing.

@j.d.aengus 2 года назад

That's one way to describe it.

@thelmarobinette6551 5 месяцев назад

1. Because the affair partner hasn’t experienced you as you 2. Everything is exciting in the beginning and 3. If you cheat on your wife you will evidentially cheat on the affair partner when it gets dull for you

@fazoolaccount2335 2 года назад

I did I stood with her,,, but I did a mistake and she ended it on that.... as she was finding a way already....

@jordangalle1751 2 года назад

I don't know if this is just me being selfish, but I was in a way avoiding intimacy because my wife just wasn't all that turned on like I was. There was nothing entirely wrong with our relationship; everything else was beautiful and I honestly thought I was okay with sex not being that big a factor in the relationship. But I also was not seeing her love language, mostly because mine is very loud and hers is more quiet. And that was a huge reason I thought she was just never really in the mood....

@nomadikmind3979 2 года назад

id really like to not cry today. Stop personally attacking me lol

@bcarnold5911 Год назад

My husband of 20 years has been cheating for the last 5 years with multiple partners, it started from sex workers then masseuse, goes to the bars to look for women to have sxx, had a girlfriend that they had an agreement to have Sxx and him giving money every week to support her , pornography went to watching gay porn, going to bathhouse, joining a gay app hook up and the last is had sxx with a gay man. Is that considered an affair or mental sickness and how can i get over this insanity?