Guys, one day you will be grateful for this nasty lesson in life. I am happy she is out. I am alive, I have 50:50 custody, my son loves me, no more passive aggressive comments, no more devaluations. Hybrid no contact is helping since we share custody. You will cross the river and never ever look back. Thank you Duane for your channel.
Well said Filip and that right there is what I LOVE to hear! I know its weird for others to understand that we can continue to "parent" with a person like this and that things can get better but it really does. First we get ourselves back on track, then our relationship with the kids strengthens, and then their ability to effect us is *almost* eliminated!
Been divorced 3 1/2 years, part of this thinking stems from wanting a sense of justice and things not being fair. The reality is that things will never be fair, and there probably won't be justice in this life. I just recognize that I just need to worry about trying to work on my life and goals. Also, all of these feelings directed towards the ex (including anger) sap energy from you. Don't direct your limited energy into a dead relationship. Project it forward to your life and happiness.
So true Jerry - and I think the piece that most of us struggle with. There was even a time that I KNEW what you just wrote BUT I was unable to stop focusing that energy on her... Sometimes you just have to hit emotional rock-bottom to be able to stop. I hear what you're saying about no justice but I've since revised my thought on that - their justice is being who they are and without the ability to EVER change - even though they could. It's like they are in the jail cell of their own creation with an unlocked door that they will NEVER walk through... Sure it would be great (would have been great) if that justice would have been what I originally imagined BUT I'm okay with this.
@@DSD Possibly true in a lot of cases. I think what I am saying is that since they are clueless to the pain they have caused, there is usually some expectation of justice that they will eventually realize the damage and pain they have caused and feel sorry. The critical thing is that type of thinking assumes that they operate the same way you do. They don’t. I don’t know if you have ever talked about this, and maybe it isn’t an issue for some, but I was married for almost 30 years and faithful. While I could get her out of my head in many ways intellectually and emotionally, I couldn’t get her out of my head sexually. Any advice?
Yeah, they will NEVER recognize the damage and pain... They are incapable of it. The most is they will blame you for the damage and pain they have caused... I was just talking to a client the other day about their problem with looking at things through THEIR lens and not of the ex... We would never do the same things because our conscious would NEVER allow us too. Man that is tough on the sex part - I'm assuming because it was really good and nothing has really compared? (I had the complete opposite so that hasn't an issue for me). If I'm correct than I'd say this. Remember that BPD and Histrionics tend to use sex for their manipulation and control - so basically it wasn't real and you're dealing with a severely damaged person. I think one problem a lot (most) of us have is really accepting the reality of what we are dealing with. That is why "absolute thinking" is my #2 video on my Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery playlist - it is critically important that we truly SEE what "they" are and constantly remind ourselves of that FACT. But to be clear/honest - THIS TOOK ME A LONG TIME and I really struggled with it. I'd say it took me at least of month of doing that DAILY before I started to see incremental (minuscule) improvements. Honestly getting her out of your head intellectually and emotionally is a HUGE accomplishment so it really sounds like you are on the right path. It just takes too damn long than what it should...
@@DSD Yeah sex life was actually really good until she started her affair. I am religious so don’t really engage in casual sex, and I have followed the Rebuilding book like you did so have avoided rebound or transitional relationships. Plus I was so f’d up with PTSD trying to have any kind of romantic relationship was not really possible and as the book indicated whatever your beliefs it is not right to use people when you are in that state. It doesn’t affect me that way much anymore with the passage of time. Plus I am almost 60 so the sex drive has ramped down a bit. Anyway that area was one thing that drove me crazy as I would have dreams about it. Anyway it was kind of one area that I didn’t find therapy helped me too much, just the passage of time.
I feel the same about justice. My ex broke the law so many times without repercussions. But then I wonder who really lost the opportunity to be loved and cherished... I lost the abuse and he lost love. No greater loss and justice that THAT!!! What we are fighting is killing our feelings of love, since we genuinely invested our heart. I have done it in the past and I dont love the person anymore and recognize how I really never liked him anyway. Do your work, find new friends and hobbies, eat well, walk. And have hope that many people before us healed ( Like I did with my ex ex). Important not to make the same choice again, watch for red flags and know your boundaries.
They can skip down the road like nothing happened, because they were never invested in the relationship like you were. I realized many years later, we were not showing up the same! I know I put down roots, deep ones. I was committed to my marriage and to him. He did not do that. He never really got to know who I was, nor did he care. So when it was time leave, for him, it was easy because he was always superficially in the marriage. Also, because he left me, he had time to plan, to get new supply, to organize his life so that he swing on a rope from our relationship to the next one. As miserable as I was, I didn't see it coming, so I had to overcome the shock and the hurt, (and oh yeah, I was 7 months pregnant with our second child). You may not feel it now, but there will come a day when you will be grateful that they left. They have nothing to offer anyone. Ever.
That last part you said is SO true... It's hard to realize or even think it is possible but them discarding/leaving/etc is probably the ONLY push that makes us break free... Some people can find that in a couple of years, others (like in my situation) it can take decades...
7:16 is so important. I didn't care about my life anymore because tomorrow was pre-planned by him. It would either suck or be "nice" but it wouldn't be my choice. Now at least I have the "unknown". I'm out of the dead end that was my life. I have OPTIONS. That's so beautiful.
Isn't it crazy how the unknown can become exciting? I think you can probably relate that while you were in that relationship the unknown was freaking scary (terrifying). Now I'm excited about the unknown - even if I don't know what it is, what it might mean, or where it is going to lead. Well, it's either that growth OR I've burnt out my adrenals so much that there isn't anything left in the tank to have a negative reaction! LOL
A narcissist never truly emotionally connects to you. What I have learnt post abusive relationship is that you can't love someone else until you truly love yourself. As a co-dependent, I totally get this. I was too busy doing all the giving and taking care of the ex and our 3 kids. I forgot to focus on myself. The ex found new supply and discarded me like I was nothing and I was envious for a good 18 months until I fully accepted her toxic behavior and personality disorder. through my research Once we have radical acceptance of our situation (our life was a lie) this can lead to so much healing. Recovery from narcissistic abuse is so difficult because when we begin, it's like all the jigsaw pieces are thrown in the air and land on the floor and we have to slowly find the pieces that fit together.
Adam that is SO true... Learning to "truly love yourself" as weird as it sounds is the key thing that changes EVERYTHING. Radical acceptance is SO beneficial - I had to do that myself... You forgot to add that all of the pieces land UPSIDE DOWN on the floor!
My situation was similar, it has taken years to recover.The most hurtful thing is they never loved you , you were just convenient at the time. I also was too busy looking after the kids and always put myself last. My research has been revealing and also distressing what I tolerated .She would not even reflect on our relationship except to blame me for everything .They are an emotional vacuum and its all about them.
You know I sometimes wonder if these type of people are the origin story for vampires - because it sure seems like that is EXACTLY what they do. They consume until there is nothing left without regard to what it does to the victim/target.
My situation was similar to yours, narc sought me out, pursued me, I thought I met the most wonderful woman on earth. I lived to please her and totally lost my identity as a person. Needless to say, she cheated and she actually filed for divorce and moved on the very same week as if we were never married or ever in a relationship. Being codependent myself, I was shattered. I didn't know how to face this, but therapy taught me about narcissistic ppl and the clarity helped me along very nicely. I keep remembering my therapist's words "healing is a journey and when you get there, the outcome will be amazing "
@@DSD Yes. The jigsaw pieces definitely lie upsidedown to begin with. First you have to turn them over, then find the pieces that fit together. Definitely this 🙏
You are so right about disconnecting!! Don't look back! Also right, very often what you see on social media is not reality. It is very likely that it is all posted for a purpose! For a poke in someone's eye! Or all for pretense! Start doing things you like to do, or doing things you have to do, or start practicing an instrument or...etc...... every time you find yourself ruminating or looking back. It helps!! A great way to break that rumination habit! Always great advice from you DSD!!!
This is wise information and I do feel better now than what I did a couple weeks ago, and the thoughts of my ex living the life on social media is becoming less and less hard to get my wrapped around it and I just want to make my life better too just for me
You have no idea how much you are helping me and others. Compassion and thruthfullness as well as a through knowldge of the subject because of your own experience, makes this material extremely valuable.The best information about narcissists, anti-social personality disorder and psychopaths, Some scholars claim that it is the same disorder as traits of manipulation and explouitation are similar. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Exactly a year since my discard. It still hurts because she's just "living her best life". No guilt for what she did to me and the kids. Some days are better than others and I'm still healing. I've got a new partner who is very patient and understanding of my situation. I just practice being grateful for what I've escaped and what I have now, but it does still hurt. I "lost" not just her but half a family too.
It hurts because you cared and were betrayed by someone who was pretending and wearing a mask throughout your relationship. It's like being dropped on your head. Be strong my brother, keep working on yourself and breaking the trauma bond. You will get there bro, you're doing great, all the feelings you're going through right now are totally normal for someone who has been emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused for years.
@@shanejoseph3432 thanks for the kind words. We'll all get through this. I always check in on pages like this to show people it can and will get better.
Their lives aren't better, real people don't find their soul mate after a break up without a grieving period. It's still a loss, a failure and anyone congratulating them on "finally finding their true love" is a fool. Any one not questioning them on that fact is not healthy. We were fooled but we knew something was wrong. I was conned, it's all they know. They should be embarrassed at their behavior but they don't get it. Sorry we all went through it ,but golly it's better and peaceful. I am wiser for it. Never again.
Hi Duane, I know what you say about avoiding the text message flame wars. It is amazing how many mothers act like they are the only ones are raising and providing for and making sacrifices for the children. It is never enough or good enough.
You are awesome, watching your Videos for five years now. Thank you so much, you know exactly what you are talking about. It gives me a positive wibe listening to you! Crazy journey with those people.. thanks again for your authenticity, giving people hope..
This so makes sense to me. Love your videos, I had so many people die, he never supported me through anything. When I was grieving he seemed to enjoy it.
As soon as I'm able to I will definitely book a coaching session I just hope I'm not too far gone my ex left me in November 2018 I just wish I didn't miss the illusion of being apart of a extended family and become happy to have my own life.
Chris it's really tough man so don't beat yourself up about this or feeling like you're stuck. These people do a real number on us and that illusion felt so real it is very difficult to accept that it wasn't. I do not think/feel that you are too far gone. You're stuck in that infinite do-loop and it is VERY difficult to break out of that. You have to work on becoming happy with your "own life" and *MOST* of the time the extended family part resolves itself. Did the video help?
@@DSD it did honestly help me and to be honest you're always so good at putting me in a better headspace, I just want to be happy overall, I feel like I was just tricked about things and she always made such a enfaces on me being accepted by her family and that I didn't have to worry about being alone, but then she would act out and make threats about her family not wanting anything to do with me if we're not together, so I feel like that portion of the puzzle traumatized me because I didn't want to lose that so called happiness of going out to family gatherings but I truly felt like a prop like I've told you before.. I promise as soon as I get caught up on things since being on my own is still kinda new for me, but I wish I could work with you with one on one sessions about this I truly do.
Glad it was helpful man - hell put it on repeat (or just download/steal the audio/video and play it as much as you need). The problem with these people is EVERYTHING is manipulation and games. When she was telling you "my family won't want anything to do with you if" she just knew how important that was to you and was using it as a control mechanism. The reality is most relationships once they are over the family sides with their blood and we get thrown to the wolves. I feel bad about mentioning the coaching, man I didn't mean to poke you in the eye or make you feel like you needed to do something. I'm glad you asked the question/made the comment because it is a common threat/thought I hear from people a lot. It generally seems like certain topics comes in waves (like this one) where I see a lot of the same things from multiple people - that's always a key for me to address that topic.
@@DSD I think this helped because it put things in perspective, in reality I miss my grandmother so much she raised me all my life, and when she died a month after my ex left me, I made a mistake of contacting my ex to talk to her about my grief of losing my granny and when I did my ex cut me off and told me I'm such a negative person and that I've always been negative and she didn't need someone like me in her life anymore, I apologized and said im usually upbeat and happy but my granny was my rock and I lost my way, and then she just stopped replying to me for 5 month's, and then that's when I learned she got a new guy.... and then my dad passed away from cancer in December 2019 and then my mom also passed from cancer in May 2021 on mother's day so I think the combination of my exes harsh words and the losses all piled on a big traumatic ball of despair for me. But I don't want to give up and fold.
@@DSD I remember that even when I was with my ex and she seemed to be so blessed with opportunities and chances that I could only dream of receiving, she was completely unappreciative and looked down on people who couldn't make big financial moves so easily like her and her family, she looked down on me because I couldn't just get a newer car, or looked down on me because I couldn't go on a trip to California with her within just a week notice, or that I couldn't afford to go out to eat every weekend like her, I just didn't have it financially I grew up very humble, but I tried my best I truly did try to make her happy, I just wasn't good enough in her eye's.
I think it's helpful to adopt a mindset of emotional detanglement and find your own purpose and keep your mind on that. If there's kids involved, all that matters is the welfare of the kids and the rest should not be a concern or comparison. Struggle with your purpose and not with comparisons. I treat my ex like a stranger that I'm in a professional contract with (it's business, not personal.... I'm just fulfilling the contract). Once the kids turn 18, the contract is fulfilled and that particular purpose ends the last entanglement you have with your ex (you're done, celebrate and close that chapter in your life with joy). Until then, its an endurance test and you work through it until completion... but it _does_ have an end (there's light at the end of the tunnel albeit the tunnel may be quite long). If you ex is doing well, she's somebody eles's problem. If your ex is not doing well, she's still somebody else's problem. If your kids are not doing well, that's your problem. You're better off not knowing the details about your ex'es life (aka: 'burdened by knowledge' that's not your business and takes you off your purpose). If it makes you feel better, you get to devote your inheritance to your kids and nothing for your ex (she lost her share... she'll have to make a deal with somebody else).
Keep it up DSD! Great video and chris one day her dominos will fall, for the moment just try and smile at the small things, and the big things will fall into place.
What I have seen and noticed and understood as a Christian minister is that our abusers gloat over the appearance of "doing better than you." God is ultimately in charge of retribution, but it not not retribution that we should seek. It will happen in it's own time. We should actually be glad for the happiness and welfare of the other person, for our own sanity and health. Let all that go, God (or Karma) will take care of it. Whatever we die, well also reap. Sow good seeds, reap good crops. I could give examples, but you all have seen these examples played out. I know you want to see it played out in your own life. The fact that you're still alive and continuing on and making daily progress is your "win." Disengage from them completely, and make yourself the master of your own life and don't wish for the life of someone else. You will succeed, and problems will still come, but as usual you will overcome. Have faith in yourself and faith in God.
Hi Duane thanks for your great show as always 😊 I seen a movie documentary called " the red pill" Worth watching, I don't think we will ever get justice. My madness is still going on But thanks to you Duane I am getting on with it and as you say "look back on last year and the year before see how crappie it was?? Yes it's getting better slowly but in the right direction " thanks Duane your a star 🌟 Mick from Ireland
That is a great documentary - just recommended that to someone a few days ago. Man I hear you on the justice BUT I will say this. I think my justice is how I've been able to take an experience that nearly killed me and have been able to turn it around and help people all over the world. My justice is her being stuck in who she will ALWAYS been. A person only able to live and create chaos but I get to see people get their lives back and share their experiences with me. And I know that what was done to me, what she did to me, enabled this to happen. IDK maybe that sounds crazy but that is how I feel about this. Mick I really looking forward to when you are on the other side of this and maybe even one day being able to get on your side of the planet to meet you for real!
You have to understand, whatever your ex is up to, is NONE of your business. Think of her life as “The Brady Bunch” in it’s truest form….it’s all an illusion…it’s a fantasy…it’s not real. Whatever “good fortune” your ex has found… the new car, the trips overseas,…they are trappings…remember, a turd in a castle, is still a turd. Turn it around, wish your ex the best. That is the place of power. Live your best life.
Outstanding advice SlenderTheCat! Love tying "The Brady Bunch" to the illusion it really is! Great point! Okay, and the turd in a castle is pretty brilliant as well!
@@DSD Duane, never underestimate your value. Your words and your wisdom are appreciated beyond the capacity of words. Go well brother. Kind regards, Gordon
that is easier said than done, most not all people that have been abandoned and emotionally abused want the impossible .....and that is just acknowledgement from their ex that they have behaved abhorrently and express some sort if remorse.So the next best thing is to not wish but witness Karma unfold for them to get the next best thing other than a apology hence the continual interest in what they are doing.All of us in varying forms are guilty of this one way or another.
I can so relate. It has helped me enormously to do something really nice for myself when I'd see all kinds of what looked like the ex had an instant amazing new life. Seeing updates was painful, but I made a decision to turn away from that and figure out something nice to do for myself. Eventually, it got easier to do and less painful if I did see something. Now, I really don't care if he had gold bullion running out of a diamond castle because he can't hurt me again. I may have a very simple lifestyle but there's zero trauma drama, and that's worth the price of freedom. Eventually, I hope the person finds new adventures to try and those add up to self achievements that grow and grow. Focus on yourself in baby steps. They add up. I was so down whipped at one time that I was agoraphobic for years. Now, I take myself on trips all over. Even went to Hawaii solo. If I can get out of that hell, anyone can. Be proud yourself for your achievements. Learn how to love yourself and you will fall in love with the most important person...yourself.
I really want to say I've been free for a year, and sometimes it feels like that, other times it just hurts. And that's despite having a much better and drama free (untill the ex pipes up) life. Time, and work. I'm a year on, but still much to do. Thanks for all your content, I do feel at times that it saved me from doing some very silly things.
That's why I made this channel Michael! These situations are just so damn difficult to break free from - and they want to pull us back into the drama ALL THE TIME. It isn't fair, well none of this is fair, now long it takes to get our lives back...
@@DSD well, thank you. From one survivor to another. You're doing a wonderful thing. I'd like to share my own discoveries one day and see if it helps other people, kinda pass the knowledge around someday.
Hi Duane, Thank you for this. It’s not the “better” life that bugs me, and I think most. It’s the way they get there. How many times have they refused doing things with you, as you mention in the video - only to do that and more once they get YOU out of the picture? In my case, work was an excuse to avoid anything, from doing things together, to having a conversation to even going to the couples therapy she had suggested (it was a couples therapy for me, clearly - not “us”). And the moment she was ready for divorce, she put herself part time. Now she has time for walks, cycling, badminton with other(s)…. I understand she may have come to the point she didn’t WANT to do these things with me, but was all this charade really necessary? The counselling, the months of agony, the self-victimisation (she told me there would be “nothing left of her” if she tried again (?) to save the marriage). Sometimes it’s stronger than me and I just ping her (try to) to her responsibilities and make her accountable in some way. Her feedback: I select “partial facts” that I “decide” to view in a particularly negative light. To top it up, she wishes me the best for my future life. No accountability for how much unnecessary havoc, complexity and plain madness she brought into it; not an apology for the one-sided sacrifices. Happily moved on as if nothing happened.
My ex never flaunted her new relationship after the final disgard infact she vanished for about 8 months she even disgarded her friends and family and belongings, even her cat...Shame based..
Hi There ,Duane I think that most survivors can relate to the comment and on some level even the narcissist . ESPECIALLY surivors of parental narcissistic abuse and then reenacting the cycle and even narcissist because they sometimes had a narcissistic parent that where they learned their pathology. survivors and narcissist typically have the same fears of being alone, lonely when they are not with people or in relationships ,fear of abandonment which the discard always trigger those fears and bring them to the surface . The only difference is that get survivors get into relationships with genuine intent to have a healthy relationship and have empathy for the other person . Since there is always a lack of empathy in the narcissist that's why they are able to easily abuse ,manipulate, and do terrible things to their targets. Duane I think that he maybe having the fear of being replaced Being triggered by seeing his ex in a new relationship which is very common fear among survivors and narcissist . Survivors and narcissist have the same wounds and fears but goes about dealing with them differently. SO I THINK HE SHOULD WORK TOWARDS HEALING THOSE WOUNDS BEING TRIGGERED SO THAT ONE DAY HE CAN GET TO THE POINT OF INDIFFERENCE LIKE YOU AND MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO .
I also want to mention that a lot of people with the feelings of being disposable that are triggered with the discard and their ex moving to their next supply the next day
Her 'new man' has to spend his time and resources on another man's children. Such a former wife is not exactly the first-pick, she is a compromise. Perhaps don't be so convinced that the compromises another man makes are a better life than the one you have.
@@DSD Exactly. She is no man's first pick. Meaning this gentleman is worried about a man who doesn't get his first choice. Meaning, the dude in the Instagrams has suffering an problems. It ain't perfect.
How people will shamelessly live off of their spouse’s money their entire life, I will never understand. I would rather skip a meal than ask for money from someone. Oh well good riddance to these shitty spineless parasites of people even if that comes at a price.
LOL yeah I hear you AK... I'm just waiting until the last kid falls off the "dole". Then I'll refresh the "court funds" and go back to try to lower alimony. Hopefully her perfect match will show up and eliminate that "requirement".
Its because of codependency and cognitive disodence..You have to work on yourself and your own childhood issues..No contact is the only way...As yiu get better you wong chpose these types of people and they wont gravitate towards you ..Their lives never get better then are maladjusted..
Well, inflation hasn’t even gotten started,so a little sweet justice might be on the way😂 I was married for 14 years and divorced for 2. He Hoovers over and over, whenever I see him and the woman he left me for it’s laughable. He’s fat and she looks wore out already from trying to meet his “needs”. Just think back to how often the narc actually seemed happy. They aren’t.
How can they be such monsters and not get karma, I grew up believing in justice and cause and effect etc where is the justice? 17 years later this monster still relentlessly attacking and recently winning on just heresay now. In a year when my child turns 18 i may move and change my identity- wish i was kidding. Meanwhile he has his Phd now, owns property, and has been able to excel in his career.
I hear you on that velvet artist... I used to struggle with that myself. Seems like *nothing* ever effects these people. Personally I just had to realize that constantly thinking about what they are "getting away with" and the absences of "justice" was NOT helping me. I had to get to the point that I was able to make the decision to put that time toward my own life instead of ruminating about them. It is REALLY tough though especially when it appears they are living the best life full of rainbows and butterflies. It's weird but after all this time I can see or hear of what she's doing and it doesn't effect me anymore. But that took me a few years to get to that point - so it is NOT an easy thing to master. And I can see times where I *could* get pulled back down in the vortex of chaos - but now I make a conscious choice to refocus my attention to something else. Hang in there!
