I second guessed everything after my breakup and Craigs words during our Skype meant so much to get me to realize that I probably was a good boyfriend. But I didn't have the understanding about avoidant partners that I do now.
They fear intimacy; things are going fine and they feel they are losing themselves due to the relationship. They fear their needs will not be met due to their attachment style. I should mention I'm a psychotherapist. They always put things before the relationship because of their fear of lose of self. But they can change their attachment style. They have been solving problems by themselves since childhood. If they are not aware or don't want to do the work it will cause anxiety. Loss of their identity ( engulfment anxiety). They often have fantasy based situations about the one perfect partner who may not exist. There is a push pull with these types. They feel they were to intimate two days ago and pull away. They want to solve problems by themselves and think they are very logical. This is not so true. They have fantasy based ideation and often blameshift. It correlates with specific personality disorders. So if they use fantasy often that is not healthy. It's not healthy to blame someone else for your own stuff. You might feel very alone with these types.
This is so timely! The guy I was dating and have known for three years completely ghosted me/has been ignoring me since we went to a wedding together. No arguing or fight. We talked about a future together and have a bit more history than I want to share. But I would have rather him tell me he can’t handle things than just ignore me. It’s so painful 😢
After absorbing all the information from this video, I'm left with one question: Is this type of dumper likely to know they left a good partner and come back? I was a good partner, and she left me. My intuition and gut tell me to give it time and she'll come back (it's been 5 weeks since the breakup and 5 weeks of NC) but god it's hard to trust my intuition on this one
@@af235 The problem is avoidants and it seems your an avoidant always pointing fingers at the other person instead of yourself being talked down too, no communication no intimacy doesn’t want to open up because in their cat minds think it’s weak were humans not cats and then have the nerve to want to be in a relationship with all this come on it’s a cycle
Lol. I needed to read this. Hilarious. My ex just ghosted me after three years together. I'm not perfect but I don't think I deserved a disappearing act. His loss 😂
Just thought I’d share. My avoidant ex that I swore would never come back drunk called me 14 times. I answered the 7th call and then realized she was drunk and told her to call me back when she was sober. I didn’t want her excuse to be it was a drunk mistake. It had been 89 days of no contact and I worked on myself. I’m in a great head space. I changed my major to computer science and have been proud of how well I am doing in school. I started working out 6 days a week and look very fit. I now know about attachment styles and how to identify them in my partner and how to deal with avoidants. I have an anxious attachment style but feel myself becoming more secure each day. Keep doing the work. Even if she never contacts me again and it was just drunk calling me, I will be a better person for the next person I date.
My avoidant partner of 7 years told me our relationship was the most important thing in his life and that I am the most important person in his life in the same sentence as he broke up with me. I feel so sad for him, of being so scared of life and the future of our lives together. He won't get me back until he understands his issues and works on himself, as I did for us and for myself.
You do not know how much your video helped me. I was struggling for a while to understand why the man that told me "you are the only one that made me feel that love truly exists" would suddenly break up with me by a text saying that he could not see his life next to me. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🤗
@@mmt2310 honestly I do not know. I decided that I deserve better so I stopped crying, blocked him and went on with my life. After some time I felt happy again. 😊
This very thing happened with my ex , she always told me I was the best kindest man she had ever met but then she still broke up with me. As it turns out she had a mental health condition that caused lots of triggers in the relationship that she had a very tough time keeping in balance. But now after some time I look back at the time together and know I did my best and treated her very well and was thoughtful and kind so I have no regrets about it . I do of course want the best for her and would love to hear one day that she is doing better and happy.
The first time my ex left me, they blamed it all on me, which was completely unwarranted. 1.5 years later when they left me AGAIN they told me I did absolutely nothing wrong and was a great partner. Their patterns leading to the breakup were the same in both situations, and I even picked up on them the second time and brought them up. They changed nothing at all. I wish I didn’t love them so much and want them back. This is just a pattern that probably won’t change. Meanwhile, despite being a great partner, I am STILL working really hard on myself and trying to remind myself that I deserve the same love and effort I put in.
Almost the exact situation to mine. I was with my ex for two years before he broke up and pretty much blamed me for the breakup. He came back after 6 months saying he missed me and still loved me... After about 5 weeks, we became official again and he broke up again after another two years and two months. I was in therapy after the first break up and then took a break for a little while and have been in therapy for the last year and a half, for my own stuff... So I've been trying to continue work on myself, but he hasn't done any inner work. I'm extremely heartbroken and I love him so much, I'm still in shock. It's been about 6 weeks now, since we had our breakup conversation and since I last saw him. I'm very sad for him and during our last talk I told him I was worried about him and that I hope he considers going to therapy for himself. I think he has a lot of trauma he needs to work through and doesn't even acknowledge. He's unaware. I miss him every day, still almost every minute of every day I feel him and it's just a dull pain inside me. 💔
I still love her and I always will. She made me better and whether or not she comes back, I’ll always be grateful for our time together. My heart breaks for her and the narcissist abuse she endured.
So with all this knowledge…What is the answer. Is it worth continuing in this one sided type of relationship. Can DA’s ever love or appreciate a good partner or will they forever look for “that perfect one”.
its been months but it's soo mind boggling that my ex left a healthy relationship for such an illogical reason. i remind myself everyday that it is not my fault and that i did nothing wrong. what is even more puzzling is why he is still so angry and refuses to even communicate. he was very upset that i talked about my degree in letting him know about a law he agreed with. his degree is hanging on his wall???? months of therapy had to reinforce, yes i was secure in the relationship and after, but that does not matter at all the an avoidant who wont communicate in a healthy manner.
I wasn't perfect , but my ex lady God bless her heart said "I was the best man she dated" "and thank you for showing me how to be cared for in a intimate relationship" I was sooo confused and heartbroken...I beat myself up alot reflected alot and grown alot. However, sometimes it's not always you...thank you for this video it gave me clarity and peace.
My ex said something very similar. That I was the only one who made her feel loved, special, completely comfortable around me, etc. just had a weird feeling that she couldn't explain and broke up. She was def avoidant looking back.
I am an abandonment survivor I’m 67 years old and still dealing with my childhood wounds. the good news is I have come across Susan Anderson’s she has a series of books on abandonment and workbooks. I highly recommend them to anybody who is an abandonment survivor
Thank you so much ! You are angels in this world ! I have discovered you two years ago and I keep on coming back to listen to you ! You are so soothing ! Lots of love from France !
Such a helpful video, after all my personal growth this year, working through the workbooks plus an email coaching, happy to say i don't want my ex back. To add the indirect direct contact from my ex lately has me cracking up 🤣 Thank you for helping me heal, change & just be a more secure person 💗
It got me thinking… do avoidants regret eventually their decision? Do they understand through therapy what they did and are willing to fix things? Or will they move on, with someone that they find “familiar” in their loving ways even if that person is a Bad partner with them?
Going through this now after 5 years together. So confusing as she is an avoidant. I gave her the world, but it wasn’t good enough. Still have no idea why she left me and her reason made no sense. Heartbroken as she was the one and she turned my world upside down and walked away and acts like I was nothing to her after all the love I gave her. Sad really. Since she is an avoidant, afraid she will never change her mind.
I know exactly how it feels. Your soul is crushed. How long have you been broken up? Keep your chin up there are lots of emotionally ready people in the world. Read ghe book attached before you go dating again.
I felt this. Been a bit over a year, dated a bit but I’m just not ready. Same thing the reason made no sense. I think it’s a mix of still wounded and honestly not wanted to start over again dating. So for now, just taking some time for myself.
@@morpheus3190 yes just take your time. You will get back to yourself eventually. It's a very traumatic experience so be kind to yourself youve been through a lot.
Wow this is totally my situation, thank you for this video it applies to me in every way ! Now that I think about her it just seems to much effort to even try and continue a relationship with her I will have to let her go if she tried to come back.
My avoidant ex dumped me about 3.5 months ago. It was devastating. I was so confused. 8 weeks after, he finally texted and told me I was Amazing and shouldn’t change anything about myself. That made me more confused. In the past few weeks he has began reaching out randomly, testing the water. I really educated myself on this attachment style to better understand his behaviors. But, avoidants do come back or at least reach out also.
@@hijihiami it’s going no where. He tried shifting some blame to me and has never taken responsibility for the hurt he caused much less apologized. I have since told him to stop contacting me without any clear intentions.
Wow this was eye opening! I really appreciate all of your videos that you put out! This one perfectly explains my last relationship and why it ended. I am currently going through all of your videos Coach Craig and implementing the information shared to better myself! Thank you!
100% my story! My ex of 2yrs who I truly believe is avoidant last said to me that I make her feel relaxed, comfortable, sexy and wanted, broke up with me. We lived together for a year and I was a full time father figure to her 5yr old son. She's come back twice since and kept leaving. It's mind boggling 🤪
My ex said something very similar. That I was the only one who made her feel loved, special, completely comfortable around me, etc. just had a weird feeling that she couldn't explain and broke up. She was def avoidant looking back.
@@andrewfischer2556 it's just crazy too me but I'm now understanding why, because of the attachment styles. Thanks to Craig, Victoria and the beloved Marguerite ❤️
They need to realize they are human and have needs just like everyone else. I thought of myself as the perfect girl for my Avoidant ex. I was caring, gave him space, heck he even called me beautiful. Multiple times. These people are the weirdest because every breakup is when you don’t even expect it. I wish I had known about attachment styles back then but did not. He was not a talker and nowadays I see that for what it actually is. A legit personality DISORDER. If he tried to flaw find, however, I can say he wasn’t very good at it. I’m sure he envied my confidence and natural abilities.
I'm a healing FA and dated a DA. I understand other people's point of view with avoidants. It is like dating yourself. It caused me to start asking nyself, "am I doing patterns that could hurt other people?" I think it is important for everyone to remember to be humble with each other and to keep working on yourself daily no matter what attachment style you are so you can be channeling into red flags. If a partner hurt you and left after helping each other grow and then they left, just know you didn't deserve that and it had everything to do with them . Be gentle with yourself as you heal. Validate your emotions. Look toward your unkown Heaven.
I left my ex 6 months ago after weeks of the silent treatment..We were together for 20 years..He did many kind things..but then he would "flip" to an avoidant and blame me for everything...I know I am the anxious attachment as I would always chase him to make it better...especially during the silence...I couldn't handle it anymore....He has contacted me recently to remove remaining things I left behind via an e-mail...he also stated..."Sooner or later we are going to talk....you can e-mail me...I am good with that"......I have been no contact... I am confused whether to reply to this e-mail or if I should?.....Thank you for these wonderful videos...I am learning so much.
Thank you guys! Great video! I am in NC with my ex. After 3 months of NC I thought it was long enough and I broke NC. Within a month I had to relaunch NC, without knowing your recommendation, I somehow felt that it was right. You helped me to identify that she is avoidant and I am anxious. So, kind of a perfect match for a preprogrammed breakup. I do not want to repeat other comments here, for most of it I have experienced during our 7 year relationship with her. I confirm, only you simply have a feeling that you don’t know what your partner tries to achieve. And yes, she said that being with me together is her best relationship. And even said that may be there will be something more than what we had. Now in second round of NC on day 50… we will see. Somehow I am feeling that there is still a slim chance of reuniting and making it work this time. Your contribution to my understanding of things going in our relationship is hard to overestimate! Thank you very much! And I am keeping up to be empowered and make things work. Feel much more secure even though at times the separation is very hard to endure…
@DanielGodspower-yh8om You are funny. I don’t believe neither you nor occult practices you offered. Stick to the NC and trust the Lord. That’s it. There are no round abouts of this…
This is my situation to a tee. My ex always told me that it wasn’t me. Even told me, I was the most amazing man she’d ever met! But she still left and went completely silent! Refused to even respond to a text, or answer the phone! I have a hard time not blaming myself sometimes! Thinking that I must’ve been too pushy, or maybe that me asking her to engage with me a little more was just too needy! We’ve known each other for years, and have tried a few times, but she always seems to go cold.. Sad thing is, we will usually start out really well! I guess that’s avoidant attachment style for you!
So is it possible to have a healthy long term relationship with an avoidant? My breakup was almost 6 month ago, and after watching this video it was really clear for me, that my ex is an avoidant. Almost eveything you two said in this video fits to him.
It is, when both parties are aware of their attachment styles and are able to communicate their needs. It all boils down to communication, which is a key to every successful relationship. Secure people are “naturally” gifted with well adapted communication skills, whereas the insecure types have to learn it. The problem with avoidants often is, that they are not aware of having a problem. They think they do everything right and it always/ often is the other persons fault. The most extreme case of avoidants may be narcissists. But if you have an insightful avoidant, a relationship, even the anxious-avoidant combination, is totally possible and manageable. I am out now for over six months and I don’t want to get back anymore, I can honestly say that I am over the relationship. I changed but they didn’t and they probably won’t (as I mentioned the problem with avoidants). I know my worth and value and want to get a partner who is mostly secure. I wish you well either way, getting them back and being happy or moving on and being happy.
@@lisaa.971 my ex said during the breakup and a few days before that, that he is the fault, that we will get trough his problems. He also showed me his love for me a lot. For him I think he was more overwhelmed with everything (work, family, relationship) and he also had some depressive episodes or general depression.
'So is it possible to have a healthy long term relationship with an avoidant?' I'd say no, if the avoidant stays avoidant. If you are both ready to work on yourselves and better communication, then you are on the way to be securely attached. But the avoidant needs to pull their weight, you can't love someone into healthy attachment. Avoidance comes in many forms and there are different levels of it, too. But ultimately, avoidants will find ways to sabotage or control the intimacy levels of the relationship to get back into their safe, hyper-independent space.
I love the tango analysis coach vitoria . 😃 .. it is my believe if you cant dance toghether you will and can't be together.. its about feeling the moves and vibe 🤗
I never realized she was being distant. She would go on trips on the weekend and not invite me or seldomly do so, at first I was secure and didnt question this. But as time went on I became anxious and asked her if she even wanted to see me anymore and that I felt like I was a burden to her. She jumped ship after that citing she would never be able meet my needs and deserve someone who could give me that time.
It happened to me and they don’t even really know why so I am just focusing on me and letting him figure himself out .. something is obviously wrong Orr it wouldn’t have happened.. all I can control is me .
I am avoidant and broke up with the most amazing guy. I believe he was secure but by being constantly there, kind, good to me I felt suffocated. So I broke up and never looked back. It suffocated me to the point I never want to be near him, while I know he did nothing wrong.
After absorbing all the information from this video, I'm left with one question: Is this type of dumper likely to know they left a good partner and come back? I was a good partner, and she left me. My intuition and gut tell me to give it time and she'll come back (it's been 5 weeks since the breakup and 5 weeks of NC) but god it's hard to trust my intuition on this one.
How do I heal avoidant attachment? I’m 25 and never dated, just dealing with social anxiety too. I’d like to try dating tho. I want to be a good partner and let myself feel free to feel love. I push people away it’s just makes me feel so uncomfortable to have people emotionally close, but I crave it. How do I overcome this?? Thx!
Can you do a video on if you botched a possible indirect direct? My ex reached out to complain about a friend, tell me Yellowstone was back, and asked if I wanted her to order a PS5. I answered all her questions, turned down the PS5 and she said "K". I didn't ask her out, conversation died. Later that night she asked if she could ask me something and I said sure and she never responded. 2 days after she asked if I wanted Christmas ornaments her neighbor had for my mom and I said No. She said K. I asked her to stop reaching out like this as it wasn't healthy for me and she got mad. She said she was reaching out because work was stressful and she was looking to old places of comfort. I said I was sorry to hear that but that wasn't fair and I wanted to be there but could only do it one way (meaning relationship). No response. I just feel used so idk if setting my boundary was right or if I needed to take a chance and ask her out. She said she'd never give me another chance and I'm hung up on that.
I think you should be proud of yourself. You set a healthy boundary and respectfully explained why you set it, showing that you value yourself and your time and emotional energy. Their reaction to this indicates that they don't respect your boundary and think their need for comfort is more important than your mental/emotional health.
@@alexblainelayter7703 I see it that way in part but I know she is going through possible infertility (I told her I'd stay with her if she can't have kids and she still doesn't want me back. I don't get why she would even tell me that) her work laid off like 50% of the company in the last 3 months and her home situation sucks. Maybe she isn't as stressed as I'm imagining but I hate seeing her in pain. She's never reached out with something positive to say, just the break up is hard and her life is hard and it still isn't bringing her back.
@@LoganRichardH 'She's never reached out with something positive to say' You must be in a lot of pain right now - detaching from someone is physical and emotional torment. Especially people with attachment trauma find it easier to focus on someone else's, their partner's, pain and issues than processing their own emotions, a form of avoidance in essence. But look at this sentence you wrote and ask yourself why you want to let this person back into your life. She may be going through a lot of things right now but so are you. Invest in yourself and your healing.
@@alexblainelayter7703 I was neglectful. I did the begging and apologizing and told her I would change. And I have. I really have figured out the child hood traumas and issues that led to why I shut down, why I was afraid to say I love you. She showed up after the break up when I had a suicide attempt because everything was coming to head and I was on bad meds. She has flaws. I think she is lost but simultaneously done with me. And it's hard because we are both more than we've shown in our worst moments and I can accept her and she can't accept me.
Can the channel provide a playlist on videos you strongly recommended watching on repeat for higher retention like this one?? I think this idea will help a lot of people!
This is so perfectly describing what I had for 6 months. First things went south after 4 months, then its going from bad to worse until its just TOO MUCH to deal with
This my life after 25 years her father died she left me and my teenagers 3 boys it life she went off the ship so I have to be strong for my boys because I know Iam a good man is her lost not mine
My girl left me a couple weeks back because we had been on and off, and she had trauma from her past that she hadn't dealt with. She broke it off with me because she said she didn't want to keep messing me around and messing with my head. So she wanted to work on herself and deal with this trauma as she had started seeing a therapist. With the final nail as "I love you but I'm letting you go..." Wasn't easy to read. But I ended it with "This isn't what I want. If you change your mind let me know, take care you beautiful soul xx" Went into NC and haven't spoken in nearly two weeks. She unfollowed me on IG on Monday and forced me to unfollow her too.
Fear..avoidants want distance and not to feel trapped. The cycle will repeat itself, their both terrified of being in a relationship and yet crave the support of a secure relationship. Severely broken insecure people, who can only heal themselves, most don't.
I think my ex was an avoidant, but you never said anything through this video on where their mind is at after the breakup. I had deleted all of her photos from online (facebook, etc.) after she left and a week later had a relationship psychic draw a picture of "my soulmate", and the picture that I got looked just like her...coincidence, I think not....
I would really love a channel (yours?) to tackle the difference between "ready" and "willing." To me it seems like "ready" is one of those vague trump card words that simply stops discussion, like "moderation" and "trying." It seems like it's just accepted to be such a subjective term that no one can argue it or impose any kind of observable criteria on it, so it's easy to hide behind.
Described my ex but she monkey branch. Dunno what you said still applies. I was good to her. She end up with someone with no values.. i question she got with him cause how she grew up? Disfunctional.
