Hi Catherine, I lost my wife Kyong Cha, June of last year and find it hard to find other men willing to talk about their loss. I've found a few on You Tube that I follow but not many do like you do. Is that because men are supposed to be strong and not show emotion or something else. If that's the case I'm not much of a man because I cry every day and can't keep my emotions under control, I think about her all day and only have peace when I sleep. Thank you for your videos, they do help me.
Richard, please join my facebook group! Ive had amazing men join my grief course and it brings me great joy to help. Email me at griefinspired@gmail.com and I’ll connect you!
I lost my wife two months ago,and I cry everyday. I try to work, but I'm thinking about her every minute I'm awake . It's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I'm 68 years old and I know the rest of my life is going to be sad and lonely. She was my life.
Richard, I'm so sorry for your loss. And to cry a lot shows you are more of a man; because you can express your feelings instead of macho and prideful. It shows your feelings are true.
Catherine, I lost my wife of 50 years married I know it’s been only 63 days ago but I can’t see me getting better. Am shattered in a million pieces.💔💔💔
Being married for 50 years is literally a lifetime! In comparison, 63 days is so short. It makes sense that you feel shattered. Be gentle with yourself, talk to your wife and know that she is still with you-even if she isn’t physically with you.
Good video Catherine. I've probably said it a million times, "I don't know where I belong." I think I've told you before that I felt like I had just been cut in half. That half of me is gone. Like taking a chainsaw and just literally cutting me in half. When you find the right person, fall in love, say your marriage vows, you're each giving yourself to that person. That is where you belong. And when you've been married a long time, that is who you become. You think the same thoughts and you finish one another sentences, but you totally belong to that person. I gave up my last name, and took on his name. I became his and I belonged to him. Now, I'm older and we had a what I call an "old fashioned" relationship, where we truly belong to each other. I sure as hell was not going to share him with anyone. And I can tell you he wouldn't have shared me with anyone. We belonged together. We belonged together. And then all of a sudden that person you belong to is gone. Wham bam smack you in the face. They're gone. They're not coming back. Life is never going to be the same. The reality of all that takes time to digest. I don't think there is a time limit on any of it, and as you said it's a journey, because I can see that I don't hurt deeply 24 hours a day anymore. The pain is still there and it's very intense. But It just isn't all the time. Things have gotten better. But now that my body has been sawed in half, it's sort of like I have to find new pieces of me. He's not there to support me and give me that security that I needed. So it's like I have to grow back the other half of my body. And that takes time. You can't do it overnight. And that's what I'm learning to do. I'm learning to grow another leg so I can find some stability in life and stand on my own two feet. I'm learning to grow another arm and hand so that I can do all the many things that he used to do so well. Those are just metaphors but I swear that's how it feels like. someone totally chopped me in half. But thank God, things are getting better, it's a process and it's a journey. In the beginning, we don't think we will ever get out of pain. In the beginning, we don't know how we are going to live this life without them. The truth is that it's horrible, it's terrible, it's the most lonely, disconnected, awful feeling in the entire world. But I'm learning to find some stability, and learning so many things about myself. Because now I am the one who has to stay on my own two feet and figure things out. I'm the one who has to find happiness. He did things that made me happy. He did things and brought me joy. He made me smile. He made me feel loved. All those things are gone when you lose your spouse. He's not there to fill my love tank anymore. I have to find find how to love myself and fill my own tank. And I am doing that. I wrote in our group the other day that I did something on my trip and it seemed it kind of childish but it made me smile the whole way. But I realized I smiled through it all and it brought happiness. You got to look for that happiness and you got to make that happiness because it's not going to just knock on your door and say here I am. It's not like my husband. It's not going to come save the day, I have to learn to save my own day. I have to make my own way. Way I have to make my own Joy. And that's what I'm trying to do. And even if my family thinks I'm crazy, and sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm going to keep pushing forward and figure this thing out one way or the other. I'll always be sad. I will always have a hole in my heart. I realize that now. And I can't emphasize enough that this is not what I wanted! This is not how I see my life playing out! I'd do anything to turn back the clock and have him back with me. Believe me. But reality starts to set in and you realize that is not going to happen. l have to learn to live again and that's what I'm doing. Let me say for anyone that's new, that the Facebook group is extraordinary. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why for me anyway. You do need that connection with someone. You do need to feel like you belong. The people I feel the most connected with is people who understand grief. I can go in that group anytime I want to, and need to, And let my emotions flow there. And at least I know I'm being heard by people who understand. I'm getting it all out of my system and they are there encouraging me all the way. So please do that. It takes time to realize that the group is helping, I will admit that, because you're not seeing them face to face, but I've been in the group long enough and I have let my grief out long enough to know that it works. Go in there, tell your story. Share your journey. Tell The Good, the bad, and the ugly. Because we've all been there, Done that and hopefully coming out on the other side. So please do use the Facebook group to get your grief out. I love you all and I hope everyone will continue on their journey of learning who they are and finding that peace and joy that we all need, and that we all deserve. That is what your loved one would want for you.❤
Richard you are definitely a great man, I lost my wife 63 days ago and I cry every day and night. We were married for 50 years, my wife died on August 11th and on August 10th we were married for 50 years.
This definitely resonates about the loss of belonging. We lose certain roles we played when our loved one was alive plus activities youd do together, ie when my father was alive I was his daughter and we loved to share jazz and classic music. I've lost multiple family members and the loss of all these wonderful people and connections is devastating and has at times triggered very negative thoughts about people not liking me, not belonging anymore etc. When we meet strangers they don't know us or love us and it can feel so disorientating. Its especially hard if I encounter people who are cold, callous or rude since I really need to rebuild my support network and value all positive interactions. Community is so important when grieving but it can be a challenge to find/build/grow sometimes.
The key is to begin to look for new meaning. Who else and what else is important when you look deep within? It can take time but if you keep looking, you will find it.
