Why the Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to Give Their Betrayed Spouse Details about Their Affair 

@Ashley Norton, I totally agree. The minimization is worse than the affair itself. They don't realize it feels like they are still keeping us on the outside of their precious relationship with the AP. They need to have enough respect for us at this point to tell us the whole truth. BTW, if that's your picture, you are absolutely gorgeous. I can only imagine he totally affaired down. My husband certainly did.

True.. That's what happening to me.. He is protecting his mistress so I will not attack her I just need to be quiet.. He never calls me in a day and it's too abvious he comes home same timing but I knew he left work earlier.

Same

True

I am so sorry... As a husband that has been that man that has hurt you in the way that has been done, I'm sorry. I miss my wife so bad.. I lied, tried to be better, and lied again, and it's been hard.. my wife just found about my affairs and infidelity and betrayal and... I'm sorry for this hurt pain and despair I've cause us... I miss my wife and want to see the future I seeing us.. God I messed up...😢

Thank you I so agree with you. My wife cheated online with some guy in a open world video game. Although it was not physical, but mentally and emotionally it still hurt the same. So after 17 years together i ask her for the truth, i though i deserved it. She keeps saying it wasn't like that. That is BS. She engaged in intimate exchanges with this person while i worked all day and our children were in the house with someone from Canada. We live in the States. I just wanted the truth..i still don't have it..We are separating. My 10yr. old is devastated.

@@kevinpender2515 💔

The details will haunt you and result in so many more triggers in your environment. Instead of seeking details surrounding their actions, ask for details regarding why they transgressed, what were they looking for.

@@Natedoc808 not knowing will cause your brain to fill in the gaps, and will be worse than knowing the truth. Unfaithfulness is keeping secrets from your spouse. If you did it, you have to own it fully, if you want to work on getting the relationship into recovery.

I want him to tell me that he did it tha it wasn’t all talk I mean you gonna plan on what you are gonna do and where they are gone be and then all of a sudden you don’t do it ok ya well that’s why I am making him take a lie detector test

10000000% You have every right to feel that way. I do!

Impotent rage. You don't know what to do with them. Love them, punch them, scream until you're hoarse. You want to release all the anger and hurt, but you can't. It's like an anchor on your soul you carry around with you daily.

I feel desteoyed

Good luck

Wow dude this sounds just like what time going thru now..

Me too.

@@ggstorm8101 me too

I'm sorry. Me, too.

I asked my husband about the times he did it after the first time and he told me. But then I was furious he hadn't lied and said it was only one occasion. I had so many more images stuck in my head to overcome. And if he'd told me that white lie I would never have found out the truth later.

I'm the other partner in an adulterous relationship. I feel myself that my partner ( the unfaithful) , has not divulged specifics to his spouse. And yes, he is absolutely positive that she will not accept him and his inner desires. He has approached her about her inability to talk about some of their issues and of course in a bid to save her marriage ( which btw I do not blame her one bit) , she has told him she will try to change and she does make the effort but as it goes with all of us, she is not motivated enough for herself. She believes that she can just putter along and go the route that she has always followed and I honestly think she believes he will stay. They've seen two counselors at his request and he told me he had to drag her to both. One of them told him that if he ever tries to leave she will make his life a total misery. I love him dearly, we've been together off and on now for 7 yrs., we can't seem to give each other up. He's a good man caught in a difficult situation and I doubt he will ever leave her during to the family repercussions and I understand that. I honestly think most people assume that all unfaithful spouses are bad and that the people they cheat with are bad too. Well, I'm hear to tell you that we're just caught up in something that we couldn't deny and neither of us want to hurt thos woman but we are. And it goes on, she's caught him twice and this is now our third chapter, what I would like to know is why anyone would want to stay after finding out their partner cheated at least twice? And why do I stay, perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm suffering from a self- esteem issue, do I usually seek out men with partners, no. This man is honestly the best man I have met and if she really doesn't want him, I certainly do.

​@lisagibbs5398 No judgment here. Been there. As I got older, I realized that what he told me bout their marriage, wasn't the whole truth. Why does his wife stay? Well it likely has something to do with what he is telling her about you. Lies. He has painted a very interesting picture for you that makes him seem like a victim.. 1. He drug HER to counseling. 2. She is frigid, and can't have fun in bed. 3. He can't leave, because a person in power, the therapist said said she will make his life (and therefore yours) miserable. It's a nice tidy scenario. I think he is not being truthful with you, either. I think he is likely a slick smooth talker. He probably tells her that you chased him. That he is afraid that if he doesn't treat you with kid gloves, you'll ruin his business/go over the edge/tell his mother/bribe him for mone, etc. It took me a long time to wake up and realize that I was being lied t about what was happening in their marriage.

@@lisagibbs5398I hope you get him. I freed my husband of 40 years to his affair partner but it seems he didn’t really want her 😅

You are right and I'm so sad about it

I have been going through this for 6 years. It’s mentally and physically damaging 😢

It's not just men...

Really not just men, dealing with this EXACT situation with my possibly soon to be ex wife now. Worst part for me is that I NEVER spoke about our relationship with friends, and it turns out my 'wife' has been giving a VERY bias opinion on our relationship to everyone that wants to listen. Missing out all her bad parts of course.

Yes you are right

It's called dripping

💜💜💜💜💜

@@hlonikhaoletsa8937 Good Term. is it unofficial or an actual clinical term?

Why did she confess in the first place ?

​@@teslakontrolmost literature calls it "Trickle Truth."

Was she still having the affair when you left?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

You aren’t ruined. Good for you for leaving! I left my ex husband and it wasn’t easy! However, I have no regrets. Trying to make it work was miserable! You’ll make it to the other side. Sending you love!

You aren't ruined ... Are least, not permanently; nothing lasts forever, luckily!!

I am so sorry. I really hope u r okay Miklo.

Yup! So I said we need a separation time because nothing is getting resolved, and I’m told I’m just trying to punish. I’m the one doing the punishing?

David Ducharme his refusal to disclose was the deal breaker for me as well

I wanted to know everything.so he answered whatever i asked. This man, the man I trusted with my whole heart...he betrayed me. How the hell am I supposed to believe his answers. It seems to me he says what he thinks I want to hear. All I feel is pain, mistrust, betrayal, anger...have i missed any emotion?

@@mojavekaye2108 no you have not. It's been almost 2 months since I found out my wife had been having an affair with this guy for almost 3 years. She even introduced him to me as a friend. She brought him around our kids. While I was out busting my ass 14-15 hours a day, she was talking to him everyday. He fell in love with her. She ended the affair and we are working things out but the fact that she wont tell me details about what happened does keep me up at night. I'll wake up at times in the middle of the night and have difficulty going back to sleep. I see that she's really trying and putting in an effort to make this work but it's like...dude!!! You know what I mean?

masterexploder213 I know exactly what you mean. It's like you can't stand to think of what they did and it kills you to picture her doing these things with someone else, yet you HAVE to know everything. I too am working it out with my husband, and it's been quite a ride. Some days are great, he's treating me like a queen. But will I EVER get the image of this man, who swore before God to love me and only me til death do we part, will I ever get it out of my head, what he did? I have to try. He's told me everything. Still, it kills me to think of him giving to someone else what he swore to me and only me. But I do love him. And he loves me. So, we are working hard on it. No, it's not easy. Nothing worth keeping ever is. Good luck to you. I wish you the best. Hang in there!

Yup, same friend

We need to understand..one lie destroys all truth...

After 20 years of asking and getting told I was a perv for wanting to know so I could heal, she got mad and told me the affair continued after we got back together. This all came about after one day the question entered my mind to ask, how did it end? I kept pushing for 20 years and 2 weeks ago she told me the affair continued but she still refuses to give me the details. She also told me that she had conversations about me, but she refuses to tell me anything about the other man.

You nailed it!! I feel EXACTLY like this!!

How can the betrayer ask for trust? Trust will be earned as the betrayer shows honesty.

I’m feeling this right now. How can I truly heal and move forward if I don’t know WHY he did this. To me, to us! And how can I ever trust his words if he won’t be honest with me.

Free2016 . I am going through the pain of being cheated by my husband

2 weeks later i still have no clue

And it is hell.

@@goodweatheronly I know the feeling, it's been a year since I found out about my husband's affairs. He was with so many women and one for 6 years and sex chatted with over 30 . It's hard I'm still in shock , I know about some and even talked with about 9 of the women but he hasn't told me about all of them Just gave me a number, it's the worst thing I've ever went through .

It has been 4 years the only thing he says their is no one out there grass is not greener on the other side

Funny, my husband was always one for crying easily at the slightest thing. But he never cried when I told him how hurt and broken I was. It added insult to injury that he who was moved to tears over a strangers tragedy in a news story, wasn't moved by my pain that he'd caused.

I have found that to be true.

Agreed

Four years since her infidelity, I know who he is, but she blames him for “taking advantage of me”, and”if I hadn’t been drinking, I would never have done it”. Typical, shifting blame.

Same. I found out all the info about my ex's affairs on my own or from other people. He refused to tell me anything

It's been five years for me since my husband betrayed me . I still cry on a daily basis...my heart is broken , I'll never look at my husband the same ...

you can't early on...that's why getting the right help is essential to help them learn how to be honest and accountable. the truth is honesty creates intimacy and intimacy creates trust over time. but without help, they have no idea what they are doing and you don't know how to move forward either. i would get expert help so your partner can learn how to be honest again.

so glad to hear that.

your timeline still gives me hope. I am at month 8 and still ONLY know the details which I found on my own...he has added one fact only...how they met...the rest he says he either can't remember or doesn't want to talk about it....that just isn't good enough for me.

Know a couple well, who, fifteen years later, say that they are very glad they worked hard to repair their relationship, and are much happier than they have ever been.

Morgan Falk, my hubby denied everything to my face even I have the evidences. I keep thinking to myself to stay with him 2 more years for my son’s sake. It is only 2 weeks since I found out and it is killing me so I don’t think I can stick around another 2 years.

You're a lucky woman..

This is where I am. Found out 6 weeks ago about her affair. I can't take it anymore.

good for you.

Jessica Brotzel wishing you strength with your recovery. Stay strong. Mine was a narcissistic sociopath with a secret separate life.

It’s a hell of a roller coaster. You ever feel like no one understands us The Betrayed? Like does no one realize the damage done to us and the pain we gotta live through everyday? I wish you and your children all the best. And best of all, do what’s best for YOU

There is an excellent talk on forgiveness by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I'm almost a year out from finding my wife in an affair. Forgiveness is not easy, I'm still somewhat struggling with it...but not so much as before. I know almost nothing of the affair details. What I do know is that whatever I did or am perceived by her to have done to justify her affair in no way justifies the affair. Nor does it justify the 4.5 zero sex years leading up to it. However, I have come to understand that a lack of forgiveness for whatever it was led to her affair. That insight came about in reflection over the suggestion that I needed to forgive. Of course I could forgive, if I saw remorse...but I have yet to see it. So, why forgive? Clearly I do not need to forgive. Yet, I do. If I do not forgive I damage myself. Holding onto all this, not forgiving, creates a blockage inside of me that damages my ability to love. We have children. They need love. The love in the marriage is less than ideal so they need more love than ever. The affair did not strike me alone, it struck the marriage and the family. Resentment, unforgiven, aimed at me and fostered over time produced collateral damage in my wife's marriage and family as well as that of her married affair partner. Hasn't lack of forgiveness already done more than enough to indicate that me not forgiving only adds to the Carnage? It doesn't have to be perfect or completely altruistic but it must be done. If you can't do it, do what Jesus did on the cross...ask God the Father to do it. In this world divorce or 'the 180' make sense but forgiveness echoes in eternity.

@@mfawls9624 thank you for this.

How are you

👍

You are living as my echo my friend! I often hear people use the blanket term, "I know how you feel", when I know damn well they don't know sh!+ about my situation. However, in this particular instance, I actually think we're either having extremely similar issues in our marriages or we're married to the same woman..! I got lucky and had time to completely download my wife's phone usage since she got it. So, minus a few apps that limited the range or data collected, I have everything I could ever need in a court of law to do her some serious damage. However, I too, chose to stay and make one last attempt at this marriage. Kids are just coming of age now, not sure if it's worth wasting another 20yr hoping to not be betrayed again by my loving Narcissistic Serial Cheating wife or not..

I betrayed my wife... She found out about it.. I didn't know at first what she was talking on but after I remembered and she had all the evidence.. I messed up.. I miss her right now... I messed up and being the man I am, I messed up bad and it feels so bad.. I love my wife, I do. But I hurt her and it will only be by the grace of God that she accept me back as the husband I know I can be while I help me learn to better know who I am... I miss her so much right now man and I know I messed it up but I do have to face the consequences..😢

@@jphendersonclan5066chin up brave man, you got balls😮I congratulate you on your growth! If you continue to be there for her in a supporting role of who you use to be despite all of her attempts to push you away and are still there after the day, there satisfied to take you back after you make them feel safe. Usually the guilty accuse the innocent of exactly there behaviour !!! Much respect dude you got this !!! Godspeed

Good point

Does not apply for me. I know it's ongoing

True word! Recognition of faithfulness is not gender bias.

Yep my wife refuses to discuss the fling with a female colleague

Be strong and develop self love

@@derac9739 Thank you! I'm beginning to realize how little self love, self respect and boundaries I never set, or always took a step back. I know this isn't how happiness feels. 😢

🙏🏽

Yea hes an old dog

35 year marriage here, and he's managed make me financially dependent and moved us 8 hours away from friends and family. Trying to figure out HOW to leave without losing everything. 😢

That's what I did. I left.

Prayers for you.

😢😢

He doesn’t really have a decision in the rest of your life, you decide

🙏🏽

since 3 years has passed what happened? for your hubby to say he wouldnt leave or abandoned you and he didnt want to throw away 35 years of marriage? he did that the first time he took his pants off to sleep with her! he broke covenant with you over and over again, lied over and over and he still has the nerve to say he would not throw away 35 years? how absurd can u get! i hope everything worked out for you the way u wanted it and not the way he wanted it! Peace!!

Have you called his bluff?

If he truly cares about you and loves you, he would put up with it. Same with my girlfriend.

After HE cheated? That's pretty low of him. Call his bluff.

@barbarafordham9185 And I guess he thinks he's the prize then?!? Betraying spouses can be arrogant and manipulative as hell. 🤬

So sick…

I agree with you

Facts

Mari Steenjamp, please don't go to such length. Remember, him cheating was never about you and what you lacking, it is about him and lust. You're not accountable for his infedility, don't haunt yourself for something that isn't your own doing. Be gentle to yourself at this point, love you and appreciate your self worth. Healing is sure💞💞💞

How awesome..best comment yet 🌺🌈

LDT7Y..... gotten same scenarios a year ago and til now twa's heartbreaking whenever popp' n in my mind. Whatever you said on your comment, really exactly what has been told.

Yeh, mines first time I caught him too...the second is worse . Sickening...I hear ya!

Currently going through it

i'm proud of you for standing your ground. here is a video that will help you both understand the process and what is needed or not needed: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell

Theoretically you could investigate as if you are a private investigator. Contact friends and business associates of his and begin asking questions... it's not necessary for him to know, lol ...but I bet he will let you know when he finds out about your activities.

To be honest i don't know what would be worst to know who she is or to not know. I know the woman my husband was having an affair with. we all work in the same place and I see this woman almost everyday. My husband is doing everything and anything for us to work things out says she means absolutely nothing that is was all about him being in a dark place thinking our marriage and family was broken and i guess that was like an escape for him. now he realizes it wasnt broken. He is braking it with what he did. and hes is doing everything to fix out marriage but all i see is this woman face in my mind. It's a horrible feeling.

I think you have every right to know who the affair partner is. Not revealing the identity would be a deal breaker for me !!

I'm my experience details actually lead to healing. You may think the details are irrelevant, but every detail is relevant to a betrayed spouse. True healing, forgiveness, and rebuilding of trust can't happen until there is full disclosure that the betrayed spouse is satisfied with.

How are you going now? I am writing this feeling rage also. I hope you have found some peace.

Wow. Im so sorry you went through that. And part of me agrees with what you said about full disclosure could cause a deep pain and thoughts that will never go away, but let me ask you, dont you think that NOT knowing and having a million of "maybes" or "what ifs" or random scenarios going through your head is going to have the same result? It will do nothing but torment and haunt the betrayed. Im going through this right now and tbh, when he doesn't tell me things about his cheating, it makes me even more angry and convinced he's still hiding stuff from me, so he is still betraying me! I can't forgive what I dont know!!!

@@joleencox5900 I know 99% of the details...read all the messages! It hurts like hell....the pain is unbearable....I can recite all I read and the pain worsens everytime

That’s what my husband said. But of course if was worried about my feelings he wouldn’t have cheated. I think he’s just scared to piss me off more. He doesn’t accept that he’s hurting me more by refusing to answer some important questions.