Why We Can't Save Those We Love 

What he said...

Agreed 100%

I feel the same about this.

Thanks for putting it into words, what I feel everytime I sit down to see a new video from this channel :)

you worded it perfectly man

Yes yes yes!! It took me a long time to come to terms with this, not only having to pick up my own broken pieces (which seemed impossible) but feeling helpless in unable to ‘fix’ others. I feel like mindset is so powerful and we are all different in how we deal with our issues but you will heal as you grow as a result of your suffering. It’s so difficult but it’s also kind of reassuring knowing you are your own solution💗 I really hope I worded that okay haha, I find it hard putting deeper thoughts like this into words

very well said

All we can do is show them the correct path but they actually have to start walking

As a father who doesn't live with his kid who has taken a turn for the worse, I absolutely cannot believe this to be true. It would be irresponsible as a father...

It's apart of human nature to self sabotage. Make sure that you don't sabotage yourself because of her actions. If she drowns in the bottle, you shouldn't have feel like you have to drown too.

Alcoholism is something else man…

like the video said my friend ''its not your fault''.

Be careful not to lose yourself as you stand by waiting for her to heal. You deserve to be happy, too, and sometimes that means having the courage to let go.

Sub use counselor here... if you are enabling her... leave. Tough love is hard but its real love! Unconditional support actually can be a problem with users!!!

I don't know your life or experience, but I thought if you could show them this video they might understand it too. Sorry if this is from an unknowing random person, I wouldn't know till I learn

Damn.

Who are you hiding from?

Same dear

I know it's been a whole year but I hope you've been well. ❤ Maybe this'll remind you of this video, and you'll come back for a refresher. I know it's helped me.

Tears in coffee...

same :'(

I agree 100%.

Absolutely 100%

a lot of the best shows got pass unnotice for some reason. mr robot for example it's also one of the best shows ever made and it barely gets mention. specially outside de us

I disagree that it's the best show of the past decade. I loved it but personally, I think Rectify takes that title. If you thought The Leftovers has the least amount of attention out of all the great shows, Rectify somehow has even less. I hope one day LSoO watches it and maybe does a video on it. Because it's really quite a poetic and beautiful show.

it is way too dark for general audience, most people watch shows/movies just to be entertained.

@@Chris-vs6ll Who are you? And what do you mean?

Agreed with OP on all points. This was incredibly well done.

Ditto - very much expressing the words I could not find to convey what my inner experience was and is

Absolutely. And I can't let go of how I was never meant to change them- I couldn't- no one can change another. I was supposed to love them as they are. Not in my own well meaning arrogance prresuming to know what another person needs and race them on a timeline not of their own and in a journey that it was not their decision to embark upon. I learned that I lost the person I love because I wasn't really loving him as he was at that moment. This hurt me and humbled me and I miss him to this day.

I respect his sentiment but I disagree. Your voice is calming and serene but your biggest asset is your ability to carefully construct a video essay that gradually builds a coherent narrative. You string your ideas together magnificently and the clips you choose hammer in the emotion. This can't be easy. Thanks for pointing out the art. To Paradoxical Citizen, I mean no disrespect pointing this out. I imagine you simply wanted to call attention to his voice and not diminish his other qualities. Cheers.

I like that. 🙃

That's a good goal I think

Ayyyeeeeeee Death Does that too. :)

Agree. Thank you.

Please do not say “you will never understand “ to someone who helped you understand 😉… at least don’t say never😄

@@Chris-vs6ll What utter crap. You take a discussion about intensely personal experiences with friends and family, and you try to make a *political* statement out of it? Talk about missing the point.... You *cannot* control the choices other people make, and sometimes -- no matter what you do -- some of those individuals will make bad decisions. They'll make self-destructive choices, and commit actions that harm themselves or (even worse) other people, and you may never understand why they think those thoughts, or do those things. You can listen. You can offer good advice. You can try to provide the best example you can, with your own life, about how more good choices than bad choices (and we *all* make bad choices, from time to time) can slowly help move life in a positive direction. But you *cannot* save people who refuse to listen, who refuse to acknowledge the reality that their own bad, self-destructive choices will cause harm to themselves, and sorrow to others. You do the best you can, and in most cases, it helps. But you have to acknowledge that -- sometimes, for some people -- there's nothing you can do. That's what's real.

@@Chris-vs6ll so you are taking all this space to fill it with all these words and then you are not interested in any conclusion? You just run away? Because that is what it feels like to me, you are trying to escape a pain that you conver up with all these ideas and arguments.

You Are helping yourself. And that is not selfish, who could you truly support, if you are not standing solid on two feet with your own strength? Who can you help if you yourself are in need of it? We do not have to sacrifice everything in order to give ourselves completely. We can only give what we are able to give, nothing less and nothing more. And so we learn and grow, as with every step we learn to give just a bit more. And what else matters?

@@Chris-vs6ll I am a little confused how 'I took the original comment at face value, and responded with my very own opinions' meant your response was connected to the original comment. The video, was very much that you cannot save those you love, as per the title, and the original comment is very much on the line of that essay the video considers. That no matter how much we want to help, how much we believe what is needed to help, those who we try to help cannot always be helped, and sometimes even when the help is accepted it can make the original problem worse. This is caused (in LSoO's opinion, and in part in my opinion) by a lack of ability to communicate deep issues on both sides, a lack of intimacy before hand, knowing and understanding a person, their angelic side, their personal demons, or just their history. I could tell you I had a bad day at work, but that would not accurately convey what I mean even if using a photographic memory retelling of every action; What I felt, and my personal experience of that event are personal, because of the context at work, and my personal history, unrelated to the event, but deeply affecting my response to the event, and to be honest, no-one could because you are not me, in the same way that I am not you, and even our personal interpretation of the same event could be very different. The original OP stated that they felt their need to help was egoistic, and sometimes caused pain through the process, and whatever the film 'A River runs through it' used to cause the original pain, was demonstrated that the help offered in the movie wasn't successful from the clips and narrative LSoO used. I think AA use 'accepting I am an Alcoholic' as one of the steps, until someone sees they have a problem, and is aware of the help available and is willing to accept that help, whatever you do, I don't care what you believe, but that help, whether perfect or not, is absolutely useless and will in most cases do more harm. As a very simple example, your friend has become addicted to Meth. They don't think its a problem, and wont accept your help to take them to drug rehabilitation. So, maybe I will threaten their dealer to stop supplying them. This is you helping, them not accepting that help and making it worse anyway, because if they didn't find another dealer seeing you as the cause and impediment, they will possibly have a come down that come down that kills. Well done, you've just fucked it up even more than it was on a response of not stopping helping them, you egoist.

@@Chris-vs6ll Okay, I find your responses disingenuous, intellectually dishonest, and mildly offensive. Firstly, this is a *public forum*, and that means you DO NOT get to tell me what I can and cannot write, in response to whom. So, I will respond as I see fit to what you wrote, and you don't get to tell me I cannot. Secondly, you wrote, "The reality is you have the power, it’s those in power who want you to believe that you have zero power but that it’s okay and you’re blameless." That's a political statement. Any human relationship built on power is, by definition, a political relationship. I simply responded to what you actually wrote, and I found it wholly irrelevant. This whole video was about the difficulty we sometimes experience when we try to help those we love -- and love *is not* a political power relationship. Finally, you wrote, "So I guess everyone is unreachable, unable to helped, and it’s bad if they harm anyone else other then themselves in their condemned pain...." I NEVER wrote that. I never wrote anything like that. What I *did* write was, "You do the best you can, and in most cases, it helps. But you have to acknowledge that -- sometimes, for some people -- there's nothing you can do." What part of that seems to you that I advocate avoidance of responsibility, or that I despair of ever being able to help anyone, and so won't bother to try? Sometimes you can help. A lot of times, even. That makes it worth the attempt. That's clear from what I wrote; yet you put words in my post that *I never wrote.* You then posted two long rants arguing with something I never said. Next time you want to engage in that form of wanking, get a room. Nobody else wants to see it. Let's be clear. It's always worthwhile to try to help, because (frequently) it does help. However, any help you offer comes to a dead stop if they exercise their right to refuse your assistance. No matter how wise, or well-intentioned, our help may be, they have the *right* to say, "No" -- to tell you to back off and get lost. If they make that choice, you can keep trying (and they can keep refusing); you can (eventually) accept that there's nothing left for you to do and what happens next is on them; or you can resort to physical coercion -- and, in so doing, pile the trauma of oppression on top of whatever they're already struggling with. At no point did the author of the video ever say it's not worthwhile to try to help. However, this video focused on those particular instances where your offer to help is REFUSED. People may, and some will, spurn your offer to help them, and you might never know why. This video focuses on how hard that is to accept, when all we want is what's best for someone we love, and that person refuses the offer, and we never understand why.

I often realise this when I am missing the people I have lost over the years The question that forever stumps me, is, "what would you say to them if you could see them one last time and you only have the time for one sentence" I always think of a billion useless sounding half copied quotes about my love for them or the loss that we feel without them, or some weak sounding apology for my failure to save them or show them how much I loved them while they were alive, and still do It is never enough. I don't think you can convey what you feel too those who are no longer here anyway. However, while they were here - I would never have said those junk words...I would, had I known what I know now - back then, have SHOWN them, that I truly respected who they were. That the things they felt were valid and meaningful and worthwhile. That they had shined a light on my world that no one else may be able to see ..... Yet that blinded me. I would hold them more often without fear of rejection, or without taking the rejection personally if I was rejected. I would have made them laugh more often I would have laughed at the things they did to to try to make me laugh when I was a grumpy, every time. I would never have missed a chance to watch the way they interacted with there kids or families or friends. I would have realised the depth meaning and been filled with gratitude for having them invite me to participate an event That would allow me this insight. I never would have let myself think that they were not loving me in the way that I wanted. As Though it was my choice and mine only how they express themselves to the world. I never would have assumed that I was doing any better that their attempts of showing love - because, looking back, I most certainly was not. I would have allowed for more fun. Like .... Play. I would have let go of my struggle to be "normal" and my wish to drag them into that sad ideal. And instead , sat around doing nothing with them watching tv or baked chocolate cake, or made fun of each other and tried to trick each other with funny little pranks and jokes. They seemed to find that important. I never allowed the time to even consider it as a reasonable way to spend time until i lost those U loved. Playing.... Laughing.... They ARE love. They are what defeat the opposite anyway. And if I could explain the above in one sentence to them I would, I would give almost anything to have the opportunity to just know they were still here, with opportunity and hope. But I can't. So now I choose to learn my lesson. And I make sure I do all those things with the people who are still here, that I do love, that I will miss one day, or that will miss me. I want to make sure neither of us must feel the loss anymore than we need to. We won't have boring nights with the TV on and no communication, we won't have to look back on the ways we missed out on being there for one another, we won't have to hurt to the very core just because we never bothered to really stop and listen to the people we will one day miss. At least no more than is necessary or appropriate. I personally, make it my most important thing to do, every time we are together.... To allow their words to be as important as anyones , to show them that, to give them back what they offer and a little more to boot in the way of hugs and kisses, to be Concious of the inability to ever express the way I feel and vice versa. And to attempt to , at least in some way, make up for that - by showing them instead.

❤

The most successful person I know is a meth addict. He enjoys life more than anyone else his age that I know. He is like a perpetual child who never grew up, he loves his remote control cars more than I love any non-person object. I envy him. I wish I was easily amused.

I feel you. My grandfather was always tough kinda man. He helped family with everything he could. But now I understand he was very soft inside. He protected me from "adult things", real word and what it really is. But he always tried to look invincible, never told anything about what's bothering him and that played it's part. He was diagnosed with cancer when symptoms were already immense. There was no saving him. I knew it and he knew it too. Me and my grandma took care of him in his last months. I still don't know if he feared death but he was always trying to smile. Maybe it was just for us. Felt nothing when he died. I knew it's going to happen. I think unreleased grief still follows me after seven years. And I know for sure, even if I had another chance to turn back time and tell him "go see a doctor" that wouldn't change anything. Sorry if my english is bad, my native one is russian

Yeaah! it made me very happy also. The Leftovers is wonderful and terrible and deep and so absolutely f..... beautiful tv show. Every chapter one punch inch to your heart. I would love if he decided to do and essay only for "The Leftovers"

I think that it would be impossible to be happy. You would never realize how good you have it since nothing would make you uncomfortable. It would be a bland colorless world.